All language subtitles for The Beaverton s03e05

A secret radioactive explosion in Russia
is suspected to just be viral marketing

for season four of Stranger Things.

Trump has threatened to label Antifa a
domestic terrorist group. But how will

they fit all those World War II vets in
Guantanamo?

And Prince Andrew denies involvement in
the Jeffrey Epstein scandal because,

like all royals, he only has sex with
his relatives.

All this and more on the Beaverton.

Emma, how was your weekend?

Miguel, none of your goddamn business.

Okay. And now, tonight's top stories.

With the federal election just two
months away, things are kicking into

with the kind of high -octane drama only
Canadian politics can provide.

A 63 -page ethics report.

Ethics Commissioner Mario Dion concluded
that Trudeau's interference in the SNC

-Lavalin case violated the Conflict of
Interest Act. Dion also insisted that

Trudeau return his world's best boss
coffee mug.

Trudeau is breaking barriers as the
first prime minister to violate the new

Conflict of Interest Act.

He's also now repeatedly disregarded the
rules, making him the Neil and Lance

Armstrong of ethics law.

Trudeau's behavior might be forgivable
if he ever actually asked for

forgiveness, but he still refuses to
admit wrongdoing.

I can't apologize for standing up for
Canadian jobs.

Come on, man, you love apologizing.

In fairness, Trudeau is right to be
worried about SNC -Lavalin. They are one

the few non -pornography -based
companies left in Quebec.

It's true.

The liberals are apparently now planning
to minimize the PM by running without

using his name or image, which means all
three parties are running with an empty

space for their leader.

Of course, conservatives are even more
in bed with big business than the

liberals. Choosing to vote sheer over
Trudeau because of SNC is like finding a

spider in your bathtub and saying,
that's it, I'm moving into the spider

factory.

Trudeau is clearly hoping Canadians
won't remember the details of his

when they vote in October.

Honestly, that might not be a bad
strategy, because we started talking

this three minutes ago, and we've
already kind of forgotten.

Right. Anyway, moving on.

Now for the exciting story that's
captured the world's attention.

The economy.

Oh yeah, let's do it.

Forecasters say we could be headed for a
recession.

The reason? It's something called the
inverted yield curve, which is a thing

will never understand that has the power
to completely destroy you.

Like a rare bacteria or a Cthulhu.

That's because the inverted yield curve
has predicted every U .S. recession for

the past 50 years. It's like a groundhog
predicting spring, if the groundhog

were a reliable economic concept.

and not just a glorified sewer rat that
thinks it's better than me.

But for this possible recession, there
could be a much simpler reason. The

simplest reason of all?

Yeah.

No longer satisfied with bankrupting his
own business, Trump's planning to

bankrupt every business.

How? His ill -considered trade war with
China.

When you elect a businessman as
president, you can't expect him to

how the economy works.

But please don't be too hard on him.

His best friend just died.

Trump's taking a lot of heat for letting
things get to this point. In fairness,

he isn't rich because he made money.
He's rich because he has money, which

proves the old economic saying.

Have money, dumbass.

There's no better investment than
generational wealth.

One thing's for sure, if a recession
does hit, it would be terrible for

middle class. So thank God we don't have
one of those anymore.

It's a known for sure true fact that
Canadian media has a left -wing bias.

example, most television news outlets
are owned by Bell, Rogers, and Chorus.

nothing says Marxism like a handful of
billion -dollar telecom giants.

And there's another itty -bitty
exception to the rule, Post Media, a

conservative conglomerate with a scary
amount of U .S. ownership.

Last week, Canada Land reported that
Post Media gave a directive to its

to introduce an even further right -wing
slant to their papers. You might ask,

why didn't my local newspaper also
report on this?

Well, it's because Post Media owns them.
They have over 140 brands, including

the National Post, Assorted, The Sun,
and one very Islamophobic Doggy Daycare.

The fact that they want to go further
right is remarkable, considering they

already employ Rex Murphy, who is so pro
-oil that climate change is happening

to his face.

Poor guy.

Which brings us to tonight's point
counterpoint.

Should the Beaverton follow in post
-media's footsteps and become a far

news source?

Emma, how far right are we talking here?
Iraq war right or Iran war right?

Oh, oh, oh, further.

We're talking war with Ireland right.

They had a good run, but...

PostMedia put a prominent conservative
and climate skeptic in charge of their

political coverage. If a fake news
source like us isn't there to counteract

them, the country might be at risk of
believing the actual fake news. You

like PostMedia. Oh, stop worrying.

The U .S. has Rupert Murdoch, Sinclair
Media, and Fox News barfing right -wing

propaganda down their throats 24 hours a
day.

And the last time I checked, which was
October 2016, they were fine.

Sure, sure. Now that you mention it,
according to everything I read in the

they still are.

Look, Miguel, everyone's bosses
interfere with their content. Our

us we can't use the word shit more than
two times per episode. And I love to say

that word.

We're saving one for later, okay?

Okay, okay, but it's more than that,
right? Wouldn't shifting our stance to

far right mean pandering to racists and
homophobes and also conceivably calling

our spouses mother?

Miguel, I... I already call my husband
that.

Okay? Sort of our thing.

But at the end of the day, whether we're
acting as a shill for big oil or

writing advertorials for the Fraser
Institute, right -wing media gets paid,

Mama needs to buy nice things.

For Mother.

I don't like that. No, no.

I don't know, Emma. I'm not sure I can
sell my principles for money.

Okay, if not for money, then how about
the thinking man's money? Fear!

Fear of what?

Unemployment. How many jobs do you think
there are in Canadian media, Miguel?

As Margaret Wente and Christy
Blatchford's decades of work have

op -eds are the key to a journalist's
job security.

Well, I do need job security. Well,
there you go. A hard shift to the right.

else. Now, tell people what to expect
after the break on the new Beaverton.

Oh, man. Really?

Just read it.

Okay.

After the break, are libtards cucking
your free speech?

Meet the 55 -year -old man who says a
racial slur we can't repeat on air.

Welcome

back.

The Hong Kong protests are now in their
11th week.

This weekend, an estimated 1 .7 million
people held pro -democracy rallies.

The situation continues to evolve as
rapidly as a flurry of kicks and punches

from beloved Hong Kong film star Jackie
Chan.

The protesters are mostly young, and
they want greater democratic freedom,

access to affordable housing, and any
sign that Beijing cares about their

future. On the other side, the Chinese
authority simply wants to keep stomping

on everyone's face forever, so... It's
up to say who's in the right.

Protestors have remained energetic and
organized, using laser pointers to

disrupt facial recognition technology,
pylons to contain tear gas, and shutting

down Hong Kong's airport, causing
hundreds of flights to be canceled.

Amazing! You and I can't even organize
an evening of drinks. And we don't have

to deal with tear gas or rubber bullets.
Just which Jackassers to go to.

I love their sauced -up chicken fingers.
Hey, do you know they don't even freeze

those things? They're fresh.

Wow. Oh, yeah. Delicious.

Now, China's government is adamant
they'll only allow elections in Hong

they can pre -screen the candidates,
which is kind of like having your

pick your date.

They'll go with a lawyer, because that's
what's best for you, when all you want

is a three -way with some hot pro
-democracy gymnasts.

So how did it all get here? For that, we
turn back to 1997.

Titanic was sailing into our hearts at
the box office, and Chumbawamba's tub

-thumping made us all wonder if the very
idea of music was worth it.

Also, the UK ceded control of Hong Kong
to mainland China. As part of the deal,

Beijing agreed that Hong Kong could keep
its Western systems of finance and

administration for 50 years. What
happens when those 50 years are up?

knows. It's the most terrifying mystery
since what was in that yogurt cup I

bought at the gas station.

And that anxiety is a big part of what's
fueling the demonstrations.

China's government has painted the
protesters as terrorists.

which is a bit misleading.

I mean, keeping planes on the ground
isn't usually part of the terrorist

playbook.

Officials have also claimed the United
States is orchestrating the protests

behind the scenes. So let's see what the
alleged conductor -in -chief has to say

about the situation.

It's a very tricky situation.

I think it'll work out, and I hope it
works out for Liberty.

I hope it works out for everybody.

If you need proof that the U .S. isn't
behind the pro -democratic protests,

no further than the fact that he put a
question mark after the word liberty.

Trump wasn't the only leader of the pro
-democracy West to speak out on the

situation in Hong Kong with the white
-hot intensity of a 10 -watt bulb.

We certainly call on China to be very
careful and very

respectful in how it deals with people
who have legitimate concerns.

In fairness to Justin, maybe he's just
afraid if he condemns China, they'll

their pandas back.

He clearly loves those little guys, and
he could probably use a hug.

What Trump and Trudeau are saying by
saying nothing is that they're afraid of

pissing China off and damaging trade
relations, which brings us back to the

situation in Hong Kong.

The Chinese army could crush the
protests in a couple of days. They have

ramping up military exercises in the
area.

These satellite photos show armored
vehicles parked in a stadium near Hong

Kong's border, though hopefully they're
just there to play a little tank soccer.

You know, the reason... Even Beijing
hasn't sent in the army is the same

Trudeau and Trump were so tepid. Money.
Hong Kong is a major center for global

commerce. But you get the feeling their
patience is almost up.

No one is sure how this is going to end.
And though the protests are a byproduct

of Hong Kong's unique history, the
sentiment behind them isn't. Young

feeling hopeless and underrepresented is
a problem a couple other countries have

as well.

And with democratic institutions under
assault all over the world, Hong Kong

could be the canary in the coal mine.

In the meantime, we can only hope China
considers the demands of the protesters

and reforms itself into a more open
society, one that respects the will of

people. A sort of people's republic, if
you like.

Up next, Democrat Michael Bennett said
his brother was unenthusiastic about his

run for president, which is a wild way
for me to find out that Michael Bennett

is my brother.

Welcome back.

Fans of RuPaul's Drag Race, rejoice.

the popular show about drag queens
competing to be America's next drag

superstar, is coming to Canada this
fall. And at the risk of editorializing,

are gag... Shut up! Yacht Queen!

Here to talk about it is Beaverton
writer and queer culture enthusiast,

Hackett.

Hey.

What's up, Brandon? Aren't you excited
for Drag Race Canada?

Oh! I can't wait for it. But I can't
help but think, what's for us anymore?

Us? No, not you. Us. The queer
community. As queer culture becomes more

popular, what else do we have that's
just ours?

Madonna?

Okay, please.

Madonna stole from queer people.

She appropriated voguing, she knows all
the words to Evita, and sometimes she

affects an English accent.

Oi, Madge, that's our thing, innit?

But no one is taking away queer culture.
Sam Smith is as popular as ever.

True. Sam Smith won't just go away
forever, no matter how much I pray.

But as with most cultures that are
appropriated, it does get watered down.

queer slang, which was created by black
femmes as a defiant queer vernacular,

but is now the thing any soccer mom uses
when she gets her latte.

Serving pumpkin spice real is...

Okay, well, fine. That sucks. I get
that. But there's a huge proliferation

queer movies now that everybody loves.
That's great news for queer visibility.

Oh, yeah?

Name a queer movie, and don't say...
Call Me By Your Name?

Oh. Why not?

Because that movie isn't queer.

It's about two cisgender men who have a
fling in Italy, and when it's time for

them to bone, the camera gets so scared
it zooms in on a tree.

If you asked me, it should have zoomed
in on Timothée Chalamet going full

eggplant on that peach.

Absolutely. Yes, definitely.

Now, Miguel and I get it, okay? But to
play devil's advocate, wouldn't that be

just a touch too much for general
audiences to handle?

Okay, that's exactly my point.

Everybody loves queer culture when it's
fun. But there's also a part of being

queer that's not fun.

Remember that drag and slang developed
as reactions to repressive social

So if people truly want to love and
respect queer culture, they should be

to accept every aspect of it, especially
the uncomfortable.

What are you proposing?

You want to watch Drag Race? You also
have to watch Angels in America.

You want to listen to Queen? You gotta
gut it through Freddie Mercury's solo

albums.

It's tough, but it's fair.

Brandon Hackett, everybody.

The Trump administration announced
strict new immigration rules designed to

poor foreigners from moving to America.

Just like Jesus said.

To promote the changes, Citizenship and
Immigration Services Director Ken

Cuccinelli put his own spin on the poem
at the base of the Statue of Liberty,

saying, Give me your tired and your
poor, who can stand on their own two

and who will not become a public charge.

Sorry, the poetry was really bad. My
broccoli.

Oh, wow.

But it doesn't end there. Cuccinelli has
a long list of updates to bring the

Statue of Liberty in line with Trump's
vision of America.

The famously welcoming statue will now
stare down hopeful immigrants by

brandishing a stop sign and a tiki
torch.

And instead of her hoity -toity robes
and crown, she'll now wear an ice vest

a who farted hat.

Spoiler alert.

It was her.

But the biggest change of all? Instead
of standing out in the ocean doing

nothing all day, the Statue of Liberty
will be getting herself a damn job, like

the rest of us.

From now on, she'll be laid on her side
to make up 200 feet of Trump's border

wall.

Covered in dust and foiling desperate
migrants, Lady Liberty has never looked

more glamorous.

When we return, Benjamin Netanyahu
claims that denying Ilhan Omar entrance

Israel has nothing to do with her being
Muslim, since he also banned Bernie

Sanders from a birthright teen tour.

Welcome back.

A woman from B .C. known as Dr. Lipjob
has been jailed for posing as a doctor

and providing cosmetic injections at
Botox parties.

Think of them like clothing swaps,
except instead of taking old clothes out

your closet, you're putting new toxins
into your forehead.

And now I'd like to offer my hot take on
the issue.

Oh, no. Oh, yes.

And it's the subject of tonight's...

This is the greatest injustice since
Joan of Arc was burned at the stake.

Dr. Lifjoff is a feminist folk hero, and
we've got to get her out of jail.

But she's scammed tons of women, and
she's not a doctor. Neither is Dr.

Dre, but we let that slide because he's
an artist.

And yes, faking your credentials so you
can play fast and loose with botulism

is, how shall we say, softly shady.

But her only crime, other than the crime
she did, was trying to help women feel

better about themselves.

What? Let me explain.

Women aren't allowed to age a day over
21.

I can legally be fired from television
if I do.

Here, dropping serious bank on serums
and creams and products like Dead Sea

Snail, Living Beauty, Uvanessence. They
smell like gasoline. They don't do shit!

So if some women would rather put their
money towards a night with the gals,

sipping rosé and getting stabbed with
glow -up venom, I say that's way better

than Cards Against Humanity.

Sip and rosé. I don't think people can
consent to medical procedures while

they're drunk. Except for tattoos.

Why can't women just go to a clinic? Let
me explain. No, me explain.

Women are shamed for growing old, and
double shamed if we pay for a procedure

reverse it. When people thought Renee
Zellweger had gotten work done, they

treated her like she turned into some
kind of swamp witch.

It's a real pick -your -poison scenario,
where one of the choices is actual

poison.

Yeah, ageism sucks, but shouldn't we be
trying to shift our way of thinking

instead of chasing the fountain of
youth?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we should all try
to love ourselves more. But that'll

take, like, ten years of therapy and a
full -scale reboot of society's

towards women. And I'm busy. For now,
Botox is more efficient and more

affordable.

You know what? That I can get behind.
Well, you're not going to get behind

I think all men should get Botox. What?

Why? Let me explain.

You need men to get on the Botox train
to help normalize the stuff. Then, bro

science companies will market it as face
poison, and your trainer can stab you

in the temple on your way out of the
gym.

I guess that sounds kind of fun.

This has been Let Me Explain.

Free Dr. Lip Job!

Well... That's the end of our show. Next
week, a fossilized penguin the size of

a human being was discovered in New
Zealand. But one big question remains.

Will they let me ride it?

See you next week.