All language subtitles for The Beaverton s03e04

Coming up tonight... Pro -democracy
protests shut down Hong Kong's airport,

severely limiting access to $17
sandwiches.

Rogers Cup winner Bianca Andreescu was
stripped of her title after testing

positive for being a TELUS customer.

And will ice raids mar Mississippi's
image as a paragon of racial justice?

All this and more on The Beaverton.

Yes, thank you very much. Welcome,
everyone. Welcome to the Beaverton.

it's great to see you. Miguel, I wish I
could say the same. But before we unpack

that, let's begin with tonight's top
stories.

Up first, Trump mass shooting himself in
the foot.

Amid growing criticism that Trump's
nationalist rhetoric had inspired the

events in Dayton and El Paso, Trump
treated the cities like a woman's locker

room and entered them despite their
asking him not to.

There he brought cheer the best way he
knew how, by bragging about his crowd

sizes and attacking his political
opponents.

No one has misread the vibe this badly
since Netflix released another season of

the OA.

Why?

Of the eight victims still being treated
at University Medical Center in El

Paso, not one of the patients well
enough to receive visitors agreed to

with Trump.

Instead, Trump snagged a juicy photo op
with a baby who'd been orphaned in the

attacks, proving once and for all
there's no one so young that Trump won't

them without their consent.

On the plus side, he managed to get
through the entire photo op without

the baby a loser.

Then again, cameras weren't rolling, so
we actually have no way of knowing that

didn't happen.

After the visits, Trump reportedly threw
a massive hissy fit on Air Force One

that he wasn't getting enough credit for
his actions.

Don't worry, Trump.

Everyone agrees the shootings were your
fault. Oh, yeah.

Of course, Trump had the perfect way to
contain the fallout. Tweet an absurd

conspiracy about the Clintons murdering
Jeffrey Epstein.

It's all part of Trump's strategy.

He tweeted about Epstein to make
everyone forget about his hospital

which he did to make people stop talking
about the ICE raids, raids he

authorized to move the news away from
his racist tweets, tweets he sent to

up his connection to accused sex
trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.

Kind of like the old lady who swallowed
a fly.

Only if the old lady was jamming the
animals down everyone else's throat.

Imagine Hillary did have Epstein killed.
That means there is a woman capable of

murdering a man in prison in order to
protect a global pedophile ring, but

capable of changing her email account.

Of course, we don't want to trade in
jokes on terrible conspiracy theories,

because as a comedy news show, we have a
higher ethical obligation than the

President of the United States.

So, just, yeah, just to be clear, just
to be clear, we don't believe that

Clinton's had anything to do with
Epstein's death.

Right, because it was definitely the
royal family.

They've killed before, and now they've
done it again.

Damn you, House of Windsor!

Democratic frontrunner and leering bozo
Joe Biden spent the last week trying to

squander his lead with a series of
gaffes.

On Thursday, he called Theresa May
Margaret Thatcher, but explained it was

a Freudian slip.

Like that time he called Angela Merkel
mommy.

He claims he misspoke when he said poor
kids are just as bright as white kids.

I mean, obviously, he knows the
difference between poor kids and black

didn't spend the 70s working with
segregationists to keep poor kids out of

school.

Biden also suggested he was vice
president during the Parkland shooting

other fantasies, like that he ever
passed meaningful gun reforms.

But to anyone who's paid attention to
American politics over the last four

years, it's pretty clear what Biden is
doing.

Pretending to be senile is the only way
to win back Trump voters.

In 2016, America was taken with Trump's
old folksy charm and his affinity for

telling it like his softened brain sees
it.

Voters have always been drawn to
candidates you can sit down and share

dementia medication with.

Much like Trump, Biden is trying to
prove he's the ideal choice for people

like their president's ancient, handsy,
and confused after sundown.

And sure, you can applaud him for trying
to punch his weight with Trump's brain

farts and explosive mouth diarrhea.

But the truth is, the Dems should really
just move on. It's time for the DNC to

put Biden in a home and throw their
support behind a more youthful and

candidate. Bernie Sanders!

In the wake of America's mass shootings,
there are renewed calls for gun control

in the United States.

But since then, more than 25 people have
been shot in Toronto, which is why gun

violence is the subject of tonight's
Meanwhile Canada Sucks 2.

Canada likes to compare itself favorably
to our more dysfunctional American

brother. I mean, if your job was to give
enemas to elephants, you'd look way

better if your sibling happens to run a
dog fighting ring.

The only problem is being elbowed deep
in an elephant is still objectively bad.

And much like an elephant's ass,
Canada's gun laws are full of crap.

Yeah, since 2013, Canada has experienced
a 42 % rise in gun violence. We rank

fifth among 36 Western nations in gun
deaths per capita.

Our rate is twice as high as
Australia's. As a nation, I think we can

can't let ourselves be beaten by those
upside -down kangaroo perverts.

But how are they doing so well? In 1996,
after a grisly mass shooting, they

instituted an assault weapon buyback in
one of the most effective gun control

laws in modern history.

In Canada, however, we have a different
issue.

More than half of our gun homicides are
a result of handguns, even though they

make up less than 10 % of all guns in
Canada.

So who in their right mind would be
against a handgun ban?

Shocking. But it isn't just
conservatives. When asked why Canada was

its heels on handgun reform, Minister of
Public Safety Ralph Goodale had this to

say. I can't comment on other countries.

Other facts? and information, including
ongoing events, are

shaping the policy proposals that we
will be making to

Canadians in the weeks immediately
ahead.

Wow. Right to the point and so
inspiring.

So our politicians are useless, but are
handgun bans? For an answer, let's

travel to the cold, distant nation of
Iceland.

Iceland, don't tell me we've fallen
behind those right -side -up kangaroo

perverts, too.

We have, by a lot. Iceland has almost
the exact same gun ownership rate as

Canada, and yet since 2007, they had a
total of zero gun homicides.

Wow, they really settled down since
their Viking days.

So why is our safety falling behind a
former penal colony or the historic

pillaging capital of the world?

Well, there's one big way Canada is like
the U .S., our gun lobby. According to

lobbyist registration records, gun
lobbyists met or communicated with MPs

senators over 100 times since 2016.

Maybe they just wanted to talk about
Game of Thrones, you know?

To be fair, if Westeros had guns, that
show would have been much, much shorter.

That's true.

But you can't deny the gun lobby's
influence on our laws.

In 2012, they helped repeal the federal
long gun registry.

They're currently pushing the Senate to
gut a bill on stronger background

checks. And whenever a high -profile
shooting happens, they're quick to

us now is not the time to talk about gun
legislation.

That's like if there was an E. coli
outbreak and the vegetable lobby told us

is not the time to talk about a romaine
lettuce recall.

Is poo in our lettuce more dangerous
than guns?

Who's to say?

Either way, there's every reason to make
guns harder to get.

A recent national poll showed 61 %
supported a handgun ban. The last time

of Canadians agreed on anything, we all
got to legally spark a blunt in our

bathtub.

So let's keep pressuring our
politicians.

There's nothing we can't do if we don't
put our minds to it.

Except electoral reform.

Oh yeah, obviously, forget it.

When we return, two elderly worshippers
stopped a mosque shooting in Norway,

proving the only way to stop a bad guy
with a gun is a 65 -year -old man with

arthritis.

I don't care.

Thank you. Thank you.

Welcome back.

Last week, a U .N. report highlighted
four simple ways to mitigate the effects

of climate change. But why take the easy
way out when there's another, more

complicated option?

It's called climate hacking, and it's a
big hit with Silicon Valley thought

leaders and Republican lawmakers,
natural allies like jackals and vultures

snakes and other snakes.

Here to share more about this exciting
new field is our own Dave Barclay.

Tell us a bit more about climate
hacking.

Well, the basic idea is this.

Reckless meddling with the environment
got us into this mess. Therefore,

reckless meddling with the environment
is going to get us out of this mess.

Hey, it's how I fixed my sister's
marriage.

Go on, Dave.

One proposal, or hack, to stop global
warming?

Using satellites to block out the sun,
which scientists now know is very hot.

Hold on a second. Is this a real
proposal or a sci -fi fever dream?

In 2019, everything is both.

But this particular bit of fevered
realism is one the U .S. government has

considering since the Bush
administration, a famously sane

But don't we... How do I put this?

Need the sun?

I guess we'll see.

But if you're a big fan of the old hot
gas ball, you're really going to hate

this next idea.

It's called stratospheric aerosol
injection.

Bill Gates is a fan, so you know it's
got to be good.

Ooh, does it come with a free trial of
Microsoft Office?

No, but it's just as bad.

See, when a volcano explodes, the sulfur
it releases reflects sunlight, lowering

temperatures. So the idea is we
intentionally fill our atmosphere with

fresh -smelling sulfur.

Just like bad climate change.

and our beautiful blue skies become a
thing of the past.

Now, I'm a few years out of Sunday
school, but isn't sulfur famously the

atmosphere in hell?

This is science, Miguel.

Leave your hell out of this.

Moving on to the blood -red seas.

The what? It's called ocean
fertilization.

Here's how it works. By dumping
fertilizer into the sea, we can grow

which breathes in carbon dioxide.

Unfortunately, the algae is blood -red.

I mean, I guess that's not the worst
thing. No, the worst thing is it's also

extremely poisonous.

But on the bright side, think how many
dead, rotting fish will wash up on

How is that the bright side, Dave? Oh,
many species of fish are bioluminescent,

and since we blocked out the sun, we'll
need them to view the hateful Crimson

Sea.

Okay, so the solution to climate change
is to create a smelly, fish -lit

hellscape with a dead red ocean and a
brimstone sky.

You're kind of a glass -half -empty
person, aren't you?

Well, it's just that these side effects
to these temporary solutions seem like

they're going to make things worse.

Can't we just...

I don't know, cut emissions?

No.

No, that's too expensive.

Well, Dave Barkley, everybody.

Coming up next, could rising tensions in
Kashmir lead to soft, luxurious nuclear

war?

Hope not. Hope not. I love a good day.

Welcome back. If you made it this far
into the show, you'll notice the news is

little depressing, which is why
sometimes we prefer to make it up. Right

it's time for the counterfeit news.

A new study has ranked Canadians'
favorite things to do in the summer. It

as no surprise that the number one
summer activity is our storied national

pastime, pretending we enjoy camping.

Every summer, Canadians begrudgingly
drive hundreds of kilometers to a

-infested campsite, all for the chance
to get crotch rot, then hang our food in

the trees to prevent a bear attack
during our bad, terrifying tent sex.

Then we wake up the next day to look at
a stupid river while we take a dump

outside and bury it in the ground like a
goddamn animal.

All while feeling the need to constantly
say, this is fun, right?

I hope we don't get hurt since we're so,
so far away from a hospital.

But questions remain.

Why is camping so terrible?

How did we convince ourselves it was
fun? Am I reporting on this story solely

get my friends to stop asking me to go
camping?

The answer to that last one is yes.

You could have just told me you didn't
want to go camping with me. Pretty sure

just did.

Fad diets.

Like movies based on comic books, they
keep popping up. And like those movies,

they're often expensive, unpleasant
slogs that leave you feeling diminished

hungry for something better.

For more on the subject, here's a new
segment we call What Fresh Hell with Ann

Pornel.

Thank you, pal.

So I was at home last night, going
between mindlessly scrolling on my phone

falling asleep, as one does, when I
stumbled across a very alarming article

about actual goddess and my raison d
'etre, Beyoncé.

Specifically, it was about the new diet
she and her personal trainer are

promoting. And it made me wonder, what
fresh hell, Beyoncé?

For the record, Beyoncé fans, I have no
beef here. Please don't at me.

Well, if you don't want beef, the 22
days nutrition meal is for you. For only

$18 a month, plus a big chunk of your
self -esteem, you can eat like Beyonce

does, or in this case, doesn't.

It cuts out bread, carbs, sugar, dairy,
meat, fish, and alcohol.

Honestly, it's more restrictive than
Destiny's Child was when it came to

Michelle sing.

Anne, what can you eat on this diet?

Pretty much legumes with a schmear of
mustard and, I don't know, ice.

Bey was quoted as saying, 175 pounds is
a woman's worst nightmare.

Not to quibble with the queen, but if
you ask me, a woman's worst nightmare is

three weeks of eating beans and lentils
and farting herself into the sun.

Look, Yonce, you may be a fierce female
icon and a huge inspiration, but you

can't stand in front of the word
feminist and then promote a fad diet.

That's like calling an escape room fun.

See, that's what I've been telling you.
Don't bring it up in front of my friend.

Now, this is just the latest piece of
self -starvation tripe for us to gnaw

Remember the master cleanse fad a few
years ago?

If you don't, let me remind you. The
master cleanse was just you paying for

diarrhea.

Some of the most expensive bowel
movements of my life.

And Beyonce isn't the only celebrity
who's trying to sell us diets.

Look no further than American royalty,
the Kardashians. From detox teas to

appetite suppressant lollipops to meal
replacement shakes, I don't know if

they're a family or just a sexy pyramid
scheme.

The thing about Beyonce and the
Kardashians is they're not just people.

industries. And like all industries,
they have employees.

Like trainers, chefs, personal
assistants, and doctors to yell at them

look at a cookie.

Breaking news. Most people aren't
gazillionaires.

But that hasn't stopped them from
investing in diets like they are. In

America, people spend over $60 billion a
year on diets.

That's a lot of asparagus water, man.

Tell me about it.

Honestly, when it comes to how we eat,
the only celebrity we should be

to is Daddy Science.

Okay? Now, I realize he's a tad out of
fashion these days, but he still knows

his stuff. And science has consistently
found that diets do not work.

Science has also proven something else.
Your body needs food!

So, take a hike, celeb diet.

Don't try and tell me that denying my
body calories is going to make me rich

beautiful, because I haven't had my
dinner yet, and I could literally flip

this fancy glass desk, and oh yeah, my
weight through a wall like the Kool -Aid

man!

Thanks for noticing the desk. Yeah.

expect a negative election campaign full
of personal attacks.

But honestly, what do those idiots know?

Welcome back to the show.

If there's anything we've learned from
Senate Majority Tortoise Mitch

it's that slow and steady blocks common
sense gun reform.

The gun control debate is a tale as old
as the NRA's time.

But last week, a new question was added
to the discourse.

It's a news item that's so ridiculous,
it's a shock we didn't make it up. Those

stories live here in a segment we call
Not the Beaverton.

We absolutely cannot believe this found
coverage in mainstream news sources, but

last week, in response to calls for an
assault weapon ban, Some guy delivered

this now infamous tweet.

Legit question for rural Americans.

How do I kill the 30 to 50 feral hogs
that run into my yard within three to

minutes while my small kids play?

Ernest Hemingway was always looking for
the perfect sentence.

Well, wake up, Papa, and break out the
scotch because I think we just found it.

Seriously, let's give this tweet to
Pulitzer.

The tweet went viral for a whole three
days. In terms of popularity, that's the

modern -day equivalent of Bible sales.

But this insane tweet, which we need to
reiterate is 100 % real, does bring up a

valid point.

Feral hogs are absolutely terrifying.

Which makes us wonder, are there
legitimate reasons for someone to own an

assault rifle?

What if you live next door to a zoo?

Sure, you could take down a bear with a
handgun, but how do you account for the

flanking 30 lions and 50 tigers?

Look, these hogs are obviously out for
revenge. They know we eat them. Plus,

they know we laughed at them all the way
through Babe, Pig in the City.

He just got too cocky.

Shouldn't have done that. No.

Clearly, the only way to stand your
ground against invading hog hordes is by

firing your semi -automatic rifle into a
yard filled with 30 to 50 hogs and two

to four small children.

Wild boar attacks account for a whopping
3 .8 deaths per year. But Congress

would rather thousands of Americans die
from preventable gun deaths than allow

hogs to gore almost four people.

Wow. Republicans agree these hogs need
to know their place. They do. This has

been Not the Beaverton.

That's our show. Join us next time as
Andrew Scheer responds to demands he

in a pride parade by watching half an
episode of Queer Eye.