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1
00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:07,623
CBS presents this
program in color.
2
00:01:00,344 --> 00:01:03,212
Easy now. Hold it...
3
00:01:03,247 --> 00:01:04,813
Here it comes.
4
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:10,702
On the count of three...
5
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:13,605
One, two,
6
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:14,806
three!
7
00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:21,113
Hey, that was a lulu!
8
00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:22,313
Oh, very nice, indeed.
9
00:01:22,349 --> 00:01:23,760
Oh, great timing, Newkirk.
10
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:25,261
You did very well, Newkirk.
11
00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:26,752
Thank you very much, chaps.
12
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:29,654
For my next number, I
shall do a request explosion.
13
00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:30,922
Did you see it go off?
14
00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:33,158
Come on, come on.
Let's get out of here.
15
00:01:33,193 --> 00:01:34,459
Right, right, let's go.
16
00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:36,995
Hey, Carter, which
way back to camp?
17
00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:41,499
Well, I don't know.
18
00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:42,500
What?!
19
00:01:42,535 --> 00:01:43,635
I beg your pardon?
20
00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:45,837
Well, I was afraid
to tell you guys.
21
00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,538
I don't know where we are.
22
00:01:47,574 --> 00:01:50,008
I guess I must have
dropped the compass.
23
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:51,509
How stupid can you get?
24
00:01:51,544 --> 00:01:52,784
You ruddy fool!
25
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,179
Not very bright.
26
00:01:54,214 --> 00:01:57,215
Well, if I had any brains,
would I be a prisoner of war?
27
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:58,661
How do we get back to camp?
28
00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:00,385
Maybe we could ask somebody?
29
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:02,265
Who do we ask, a
German soldier or...?
30
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:04,522
All right, all right.
Take it easy. Hold it!
31
00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:06,357
Let's not lose our heads.
32
00:02:06,393 --> 00:02:08,093
Look, I'll go climb
a tree up topside,
33
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,227
take a look around,
34
00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:11,196
see if I can get a
fix on our position.
35
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:12,742
I'll go with you, Kinch.
36
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:14,310
Carter! Hey, stay here.
37
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:16,334
You'll end up breaking his leg.
38
00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:17,602
I'm sorry, fellas.
39
00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:18,915
Ah, forget it.
40
00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:20,438
We'll make out somehow.
41
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:23,341
Well, I don't know why
they ever drafted me.
42
00:02:23,376 --> 00:02:26,411
I don't know anything about war.
43
00:03:28,225 --> 00:03:30,003
And if I hadn't
been up in the tree,
44
00:03:30,027 --> 00:03:31,459
they'd have grabbed me, too.
45
00:03:31,494 --> 00:03:32,672
That's a break, anyway.
46
00:03:32,696 --> 00:03:34,607
By now, the
Gestapo's got the boys.
47
00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,097
Yeah, that's swell.
48
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,333
Well, at least they
got their fake dog tags.
49
00:03:38,368 --> 00:03:40,513
Yeah, and the detonators
and the walkie-talkie
50
00:03:40,537 --> 00:03:42,170
and a few extra
sticks of dynamite.
51
00:03:42,206 --> 00:03:43,817
It's a cinch the
krauts won't think
52
00:03:43,841 --> 00:03:45,718
they were selling
magazine subscriptions.
53
00:03:45,742 --> 00:03:47,375
We gotta spring 'em, Colonel.
54
00:03:47,410 --> 00:03:48,487
First thing we got to do
55
00:03:48,511 --> 00:03:49,956
is find out where
they've taken the boys.
56
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,148
Look, tomorrow
I'll keep Klink busy.
57
00:03:53,183 --> 00:03:54,549
Tap into his phone
58
00:03:54,584 --> 00:03:57,485
and call Gestapo
headquarters in Gluckenheim.
59
00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:58,698
Call the Gestapo?
60
00:03:58,722 --> 00:04:00,388
Tell 'em you're a general...
61
00:04:00,423 --> 00:04:03,491
General... Kinchmeyer,
Gestapo Headquarters, Berlin.
62
00:04:03,526 --> 00:04:05,526
Push 'em around.
You know the bit.
63
00:04:05,562 --> 00:04:07,362
Sure.
64
00:04:07,397 --> 00:04:09,008
Hello.
65
00:04:09,032 --> 00:04:11,132
This is General
Kinchmeyer speaking.
66
00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:14,369
Why have you not reported
the three men you had captured?
67
00:04:14,404 --> 00:04:15,536
Where are they?
68
00:04:15,572 --> 00:04:16,804
Schnell!
69
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,573
That's very convincing.
70
00:04:18,608 --> 00:04:21,309
You know, I'm not
so sure about you.
71
00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:32,153
So...
72
00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:38,377
You are Antonio Calvelli, hmm?
73
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:39,678
Yes, sir.
74
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,991
That's funny. You
don't look like a Calvelli.
75
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,760
Well, I've always
been fond of pizza.
76
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,818
Pizza? You are a liar!
77
00:04:46,853 --> 00:04:48,531
Antipasto? Shut up.
78
00:04:48,555 --> 00:04:51,456
And you...
79
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,191
little one...
80
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:57,228
you are... "Jock McPherson"?
81
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:59,864
Yes, sir. Hoot mon.
82
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,167
Obviously, a Frenchman.
83
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:04,035
On my mother's side.
84
00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:06,938
We'll see.
85
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:11,743
And you...
86
00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:14,245
you are Heinrich Hilgenbecker?
87
00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:17,616
That's right, sir. Or
jawohl, if you prefer.
88
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,852
A very German name
wearing a very British uniform.
89
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:23,221
Yes, sir. Hands across
the sea and all that.
90
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:26,158
So, the faces don't
match the names,
91
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,960
the names don't
match the accents,
92
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:31,730
and the uniforms don't
match anything at all.
93
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:34,566
It is a bit of a
mess, ain't it, sir?
94
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:36,702
Quiet. I could have
the three of you shot
95
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:38,481
for spies and
saboteurs right now.
96
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:41,372
Begging your pardon, sir, but
we were captured in uniform.
97
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:44,275
We have identified ourselves;
name, rank and serial number.
98
00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:46,255
And according to the
Geneva Convention,
99
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:48,262
I could...
100
00:05:48,298 --> 00:05:51,566
I am not interested.
101
00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:55,704
We will find out all
about you in our own way,
102
00:05:55,739 --> 00:05:58,006
soon enough, I assure you.
103
00:05:58,041 --> 00:05:59,708
Sergeant?
104
00:05:59,743 --> 00:06:02,911
Take them to Stalag Four
until I communicate with Berlin.
105
00:06:05,515 --> 00:06:07,716
You will be kept in
solitary confinement
106
00:06:07,751 --> 00:06:09,818
pending the
disposition of your case.
107
00:06:09,853 --> 00:06:11,330
Sir? Ja?
108
00:06:11,354 --> 00:06:13,588
What is it, Calvelli?
109
00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:15,056
I suppose it
wouldn't do any good
110
00:06:15,092 --> 00:06:16,491
to ask for the American Consul?
111
00:06:21,031 --> 00:06:23,164
Good luck, General Kinchmeyer.
112
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:44,702
Now, let me
understand this, Hogan.
113
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,704
Your men are volunteering?
114
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,317
Yes, sir. They'll help
with camp maintenance,
115
00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:49,719
if you'll allow us to
ask the Red Cross
116
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,154
for movies to be
shown in the Rec Hall.
117
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,610
They want to work?
118
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,490
War does strange
things to people.
119
00:06:54,514 --> 00:06:55,881
What do you say, Colonel?
120
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,249
Movies, huh?
121
00:06:57,284 --> 00:07:00,819
I'll have to call Berlin and
ask policy on this matter.
122
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:03,688
A man like you has to telephone?
123
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,556
There are rules, you know.
124
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:09,194
For the commandant of the
toughest POW camp in Germany?
125
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:11,462
I thought you made
your own rules.
126
00:07:11,498 --> 00:07:15,167
Well, I make a few
and Berlin makes a few.
127
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:17,803
That way we get
a nice assortment.
128
00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:19,671
Hogan, there is something
129
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:20,972
behind this request.
130
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:22,318
Oh, Colonel, I assure you...
131
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,876
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Your
men are working already.
132
00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:28,091
Of course. They're doing their
best to beautify the old alma mater.
133
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,115
But I haven't agreed
to your proposal yet.
134
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:33,897
Let's just say it's an act of
faith... in our commandant.
135
00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:35,753
You trust me that much?
136
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,868
Oh, please, don't embarrass
me by asking emotional questions.
137
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:39,991
I understand.
138
00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:41,659
I knew you would.
139
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:44,095
In view of your
expression of confidence,
140
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:46,965
I will settle the matter
at once in your favor.
141
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,701
Hello, get me Berli... Hello?
142
00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:53,471
Who's on the line?
General Kinchmeyer?!
143
00:07:53,506 --> 00:07:55,941
Uh, were you calling me, sir?
144
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,542
Who am I?
145
00:07:57,577 --> 00:08:00,678
I am Colonel Wilhelm Klink,
Stalag 13, at your service, sir.
146
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,580
Oh, you weren't?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
147
00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:05,116
The lines must be
crossed. I'll get off at once.
148
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,318
Yes, sir.
149
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,353
Wh-wh-what's that?
150
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,288
Yes, Heil Hitler.
151
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,390
General Kinchmeyer...
152
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:15,961
I don't know any
General Kinchmeyer. I...
153
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,230
Hogan, what's the
matter with you?
154
00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:21,032
You don't look well at all.
155
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:22,700
It's the old ticker.
156
00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:25,503
Skips a beat once in awhile.
157
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,175
Twelve.
158
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:33,589
It can't be.
159
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:34,980
Three men missing?
160
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,482
I have to count again.
161
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,417
Eins, zwei, drei...
162
00:08:39,452 --> 00:08:41,652
Forget it, Schultz, there
are three men missing.
163
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,299
And Klink will be
here in a minute.
164
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:45,423
I wish there would
be four missing.
165
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:46,224
Why four?
166
00:08:46,260 --> 00:08:48,126
Including me.
167
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:50,128
Oh, I have to
report this at once.
168
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,041
He'll blame you.
You're in charge.
169
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,132
I can explain the
three men, Schultz.
170
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:55,566
Report everyone present.
171
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:58,169
Tell the commandant a lie?
172
00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,504
Of course.
173
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,440
Why don't I ever
think of those things?
174
00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:06,711
They are in Stalag Four now?
175
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:08,013
Mm-hmm. That's right.
176
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,281
Why did they leave?
177
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:11,216
I thought they were happy here.
178
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:12,929
Was there something I said?
179
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:14,485
No, no, they got restless
180
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:16,187
and decided to take a walk,
181
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,023
and the Gestapo grabbed them.
182
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,024
The Gestapo!
183
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,158
Mm-hmm.
184
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:21,470
That's the situation.
185
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:23,694
I'll report this to
Commandant Klink,
186
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,330
and he will get them back.
187
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:26,965
You mean, before they talk?
188
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,601
Yes, before they talk.
189
00:09:29,636 --> 00:09:31,169
Talk about what?
190
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,448
You see, that's the problem.
191
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:34,072
The boys are sure
to be questioned.
192
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,641
They'll talk about Stalag
13, and they'll mention you.
193
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:38,142
So?
194
00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:39,544
Well, I mean,
what if you do take
195
00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,046
an occasional
bribe of cigarettes?
196
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,458
Or give a little information
197
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,160
in exchange for
a few candy bars?
198
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,184
Or lie to Klink, your
superior officer?
199
00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:47,418
That was your idea.
200
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:49,654
In this world, you want
to be Mr. Nice Guy,
201
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:51,022
you have to pay the price.
202
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:53,191
They could send me
to the Russian Front.
203
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:54,236
Or shoot you.
204
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,727
Or both.
205
00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:56,895
That's impossible.
206
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,162
You can't shoot a man
207
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:00,198
and send him to
the Russian Front.
208
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:02,366
No, they could do it.
209
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:03,868
Eh, I'm sorry, Schultz.
210
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,236
Sorry don't help.
211
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:08,607
We have to get them back
before they talk about me.
212
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:11,009
Please, Colonel
Hogan, do something.
213
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,478
All right, there's
only one thing to do.
214
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:15,680
An officer from
Stalag 13 has to go
215
00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,682
to Stalag Four and get the boys.
216
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:20,429
Why, that is a
brilliant idea, Colonel.
217
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,653
Thank you, Kinch.
218
00:10:21,688 --> 00:10:23,755
Fine, but who is the officer?
219
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,824
Who can we trust?
220
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:26,825
You.
221
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:27,826
Me?
222
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:29,360
You.
223
00:10:29,395 --> 00:10:30,895
You are both nuts.
224
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,130
Me, an officer?
225
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:33,665
Come on, Schultz!
226
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,377
Nobody at Stalag Four
knows what Klink looks like.
227
00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:37,013
We'll make you a
beautiful uniform.
228
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:39,181
You simply walk right in and
demand the three prisoners.
229
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:41,773
I cannot pose as an officer.
230
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:45,343
Forget it. We have to
think of something else.
231
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,746
Eh, not we... you.
232
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:48,880
That's right, Schultz.
233
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:49,981
It's your funeral.
234
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,250
Ooh! I wish you
hadn't put it that way.
235
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:53,384
Oh, I'm sorry, Schultz.
236
00:10:53,419 --> 00:10:55,353
No, I cannot do it.
237
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,622
That's final.
238
00:10:57,658 --> 00:11:00,458
Pose as an officer!
239
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,207
Well, so much for that idea.
240
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:08,266
Kinch, my boy, sometimes
you've got to have confidence.
241
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:11,469
Five, four, three, two, one...
242
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,237
Oh, Colonel Hogan!
243
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,472
Achtung!
244
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,541
At your service,
Commandant Klink!
245
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,378
Neck...
246
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,213
19 and a half.
247
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:25,550
Neck...
248
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:27,752
19 and a half.
249
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,855
Boy...
250
00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:33,703
this one may have to be
continued on the next tape measure.
251
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:35,493
You call yourself a tailor.
252
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:37,929
Don't do that.
253
00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:39,042
Waist: 52.
254
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,332
Waist: 52.
255
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,802
Sure that's not wrapped
around both of you?
256
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,214
Very funny.
257
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:47,806
Don't forget the hips
and chest measurements.
258
00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:50,374
The same as my waist.
259
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,810
Well, saves time.
260
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:54,913
No, Colonel Hogan, no, I
cannot go through with it.
261
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:56,247
All right, Schultz.
262
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:58,449
We leave the
boys at Stalag Four,
263
00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:00,551
and the Gestapo questions them.
264
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:04,055
For you, that's the fastest
way to the Russian Front!
265
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,389
I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan,
266
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,536
but I-I haven't got the courage.
267
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:08,727
No guts, Schultz?
268
00:12:08,762 --> 00:12:11,462
That I never had, I'm sorry.
269
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:16,101
I'm afraid we lost him.
270
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,469
Maybe.
271
00:12:18,504 --> 00:12:20,805
Maybe.
272
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,707
Look, we don't have
any choice in the matter.
273
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,042
We've got a good organization.
274
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,222
LeBeau, Carter and
Newkirk, they're a part of it.
275
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,323
Without them, we fold up.
276
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:28,591
You don't have to sell me.
277
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:29,981
What about Schultz?
278
00:12:30,016 --> 00:12:32,083
All right, tomorrow we
put the pressure on him.
279
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:34,552
How much material will you
need to make him a uniform?
280
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,833
Well, let's put it this way:
281
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,257
How many inches in an acre?
282
00:12:49,219 --> 00:12:50,552
Kind of cold, huh, Schultz?
283
00:12:50,587 --> 00:12:51,827
Ja, very cold.
284
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,566
Care for a cigarette?
Oh. Well, thank you...
285
00:12:53,590 --> 00:12:55,067
Well, here, here,
keep the whole pack.
286
00:12:55,091 --> 00:12:57,069
No, no, no, no, I can't.
No, no, no, no, no, no...
287
00:12:57,093 --> 00:12:58,326
Here. Oh, come on, Schultz...
288
00:12:58,361 --> 00:13:00,139
It's against regulations.
Keep the whole pack.
289
00:13:00,163 --> 00:13:01,128
Please, I... Ah, come on.
290
00:13:01,164 --> 00:13:02,129
Thank you.
291
00:13:02,165 --> 00:13:03,864
Thank you.
292
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:05,694
Hey, Schultzie, here's
that can of sardines
293
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:06,796
I promised you, old buddy.
294
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:07,785
Sardines? Yeah.
295
00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:09,331
Oh, no, I c-can't...
Oh, come on.
296
00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:10,699
Here, go on, take them, here.
297
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:12,267
And I'll bring you
the chocolate bars
298
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:13,903
as soon as I get my
Red Cross package.
299
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:15,560
Chocolate! Ja!
Please! I like choc...
300
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,773
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Cigarettes?
301
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,964
Sardines?
302
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,466
Chocolate bars?
303
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,746
You live better than Goring,
304
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,681
and you're twice as big.
305
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:27,839
Yes, Herr Kommandant, but...
306
00:13:27,874 --> 00:13:30,018
It is against regulations
307
00:13:30,042 --> 00:13:32,387
to fraternize with the prisoners
308
00:13:32,411 --> 00:13:34,189
or take things from them
309
00:13:34,213 --> 00:13:36,124
for any reason whatsoever.
310
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:38,783
Yes...
311
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,552
Put yourself on report.
312
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:52,697
What happened?
313
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:54,465
Fraternizing... You
heard what he said.
314
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:55,967
Oh, that's nothing.
315
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,212
He'll give me some extra duty,
316
00:13:57,236 --> 00:13:58,848
and then the whole
thing is forgotten.
317
00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:00,137
I don't think so, Schultz.
318
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,706
It becomes part of your record,
319
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:04,742
and when the Gestapo adds
that to what the boys tell them...
320
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,548
I was standing here
321
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:12,984
minding my own business...
322
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:16,086
Here he comes.
323
00:14:16,122 --> 00:14:17,154
All right, start the hat.
324
00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:18,623
Now, remember
how much you put in
325
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:19,690
so you can get it back.
326
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:21,492
All right, fellas,
let's all give.
327
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,160
Remember, it's for a good cause.
328
00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:24,328
Dig, dig, come on!
329
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:25,530
Try to forget that the man
330
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:27,398
we're collecting for
wears a German uniform.
331
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:28,900
He's been more
than an enemy to us.
332
00:14:28,935 --> 00:14:30,034
Oh, hi, Schultz.
333
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:31,035
Wha-What is this for?
334
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:32,436
Oh, this? Oh, we're collecting
335
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:33,437
for somebody's widow.
336
00:14:33,472 --> 00:14:34,750
I mean, wife! You said widow.
337
00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:35,973
Well, she's not a widow yet.
338
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,975
We just want to
be ready in case.
339
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,376
Aw, this is nice.
340
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:42,212
You all got it right in here.
341
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:43,681
Thanks, Schultz.
342
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:44,949
Wife?
343
00:14:44,984 --> 00:14:47,117
Widow?
344
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:50,120
Just in case?
345
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:53,390
Just in case it is me.
346
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:54,659
All right.
347
00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:56,027
Back with the money.
348
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:58,206
Back, back, back, back,
back, back with the money.
349
00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,496
Back with the money...
350
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,600
All set? Let's try it.
351
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,435
Now, remember, I'm your captain.
352
00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:07,071
Kinch is Major Bernsdorf,
Kommandant of Stalag 4.
353
00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:08,372
All set?
354
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,407
Here we go.
355
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:15,145
Achtung! Colonel Klink!
356
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:24,221
Ah, Colonel Klink,
welcome to Stalag 4.
357
00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:25,723
Heil Hitler!
358
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:26,924
Morning, Major.
359
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,525
Nice to meet you.
360
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:30,828
No, no, Schultz,
that's all wrong.
361
00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:32,163
Listen,
362
00:15:32,198 --> 00:15:34,109
to be a German officer,
you have to be mean
363
00:15:34,133 --> 00:15:35,433
and nasty and-and arrogant.
364
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,711
Right.
365
00:15:36,735 --> 00:15:38,936
Arrogance is what
makes a German officer.
366
00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:40,804
L-Let's do it again.
Please, quickly.
367
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,251
All right. Look, look, look.
368
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,352
Maybe with a riding crop.
369
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:44,541
That's what Klink has, huh?
370
00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:46,457
Stand over there,
watch me do it.
371
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,414
Major Bernsdorf, you are
holding three of my prisoners.
372
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,649
I demand their release at once!
373
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:53,801
Sir,
374
00:15:53,837 --> 00:15:55,280
without proper authority,
375
00:15:55,304 --> 00:15:56,749
I must deny your request.
376
00:15:56,773 --> 00:15:59,039
You dare to deny my request?
377
00:15:59,075 --> 00:16:01,709
I shall have you
court-martialed!
378
00:16:01,745 --> 00:16:03,277
Jawohl!
379
00:16:03,312 --> 00:16:04,679
Okay?
380
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:05,880
Ja, ja.
381
00:16:05,915 --> 00:16:06,897
Let's try it.
382
00:16:06,932 --> 00:16:08,866
From the top.
383
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,434
Achtung! Colonel Klink!
384
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:14,405
Major Bernsdorf, you
have three of my prisoners.
385
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:18,442
I demand that you
release them at once!
386
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:21,012
Ooh... ooh...
387
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:23,447
I hurt myself.
388
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:26,583
Come on, Schultz,
concentrate, will you?
389
00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:31,188
Major Bernsdorf, you
have three of my prisoners.
390
00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:34,058
I demand that you
release them at once!
391
00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:36,438
Sir, I deny that request.
392
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:38,762
Okay. If you say no,
393
00:16:38,797 --> 00:16:41,698
then it is no.
394
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,909
Major Bernsdorf, I
demand that you release...
395
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:53,977
Schultz, Schultz.
396
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,247
I'm over here.
397
00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,450
I can't help it.
398
00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:01,552
I-I... I can't see through.
399
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,387
Schultz, open the other eye.
400
00:17:13,016 --> 00:17:16,617
Attention! I am Colonel Klink.
401
00:17:16,652 --> 00:17:17,985
I want you to stand at attention
402
00:17:18,021 --> 00:17:19,453
when I talk to
you, or I send you
403
00:17:19,488 --> 00:17:21,322
to the Russian Front.
Do you understand?!
404
00:17:21,357 --> 00:17:24,125
I tell you and
you and you and...
405
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,960
Ooh, and you, too.
406
00:17:25,995 --> 00:17:27,394
Achtung!
407
00:17:27,430 --> 00:17:29,463
Attention!
408
00:17:34,103 --> 00:17:37,305
You understand if I
talk to you attention?
409
00:17:37,340 --> 00:17:38,405
Oh, my goodness.
410
00:17:40,009 --> 00:17:42,009
Attention!
411
00:17:48,184 --> 00:17:49,316
All set.
412
00:17:49,352 --> 00:17:51,118
I fixed the back
window in Klink's office.
413
00:17:51,153 --> 00:17:52,587
You'll be able
to open it tonight.
414
00:17:52,622 --> 00:17:53,754
Good.
415
00:17:53,790 --> 00:17:55,422
Now, remember, give
us a two-hour start.
416
00:17:55,458 --> 00:17:57,558
When the boys in the
barracks start the diversion,
417
00:17:57,594 --> 00:17:59,527
you get into Klink's
office and make the call.
418
00:17:59,562 --> 00:18:00,639
Don't worry, I'll be there.
419
00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:01,929
Did you talk to Schultz?
420
00:18:01,965 --> 00:18:03,776
Yeah, he'll have a truck
out of the motor pool.
421
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,310
He'll meet you
there right after dark.
422
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:06,868
Fine. Then we'll
be off and running.
423
00:18:06,903 --> 00:18:08,180
Sure hope this works.
424
00:18:08,204 --> 00:18:10,571
If it doesn't, I'll just
keep right on running.
425
00:18:21,918 --> 00:18:24,351
Achtung! Colonel Klink!
426
00:18:24,387 --> 00:18:25,419
Hei...
427
00:18:25,454 --> 00:18:26,487
Hei...
428
00:18:27,924 --> 00:18:30,491
Colonel Klink, Heil Hitler.
429
00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:32,221
It's a pleasure. We're honored.
430
00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:34,711
Y-You-You are?
431
00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:37,748
Naturally!
432
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:45,088
Can't get any decent
monocles nowadays.
433
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,224
May I offer you
some refreshment?
434
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,937
Ja. How about a little sandwich,
435
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:51,628
some liverwurst with a
little bratwurst on the side.
436
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:52,975
Colonel, may I remind you,
437
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,009
our time is limited.
438
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,099
Yes, uh, of course.
439
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,267
Thank you, Colonel.
440
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,385
Colonel?
441
00:18:57,420 --> 00:18:59,086
Oh, uh, he wants to be one.
442
00:19:00,990 --> 00:19:02,389
Makes him happy.
443
00:19:03,626 --> 00:19:05,376
I see.
444
00:19:05,411 --> 00:19:07,328
Prosit...!
445
00:19:07,363 --> 00:19:09,363
Prosit!
446
00:19:11,134 --> 00:19:14,668
Now, what can I do for you?
447
00:19:14,703 --> 00:19:16,904
You have three of my prisoners.
448
00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:19,907
I would like you to
release them at once.
449
00:19:19,943 --> 00:19:22,176
Captain, give him their names.
450
00:19:22,211 --> 00:19:23,889
Jawohl, Kommandant.
451
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:26,814
Antonio Calvelli,
Jock McPherson,
452
00:19:26,849 --> 00:19:29,283
Heinrich Hilgenbecker.
453
00:19:29,319 --> 00:19:31,919
But these men were
brought here by the Gestapo.
454
00:19:31,955 --> 00:19:34,855
I don't care about the Gestapo.
455
00:19:34,890 --> 00:19:37,691
It's very brave
of you to say that.
456
00:19:37,726 --> 00:19:39,810
Maybe I'm too brave.
457
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,979
I don't seem to have
any written authority
458
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,048
to release the men.
459
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:46,116
Written authority?!
460
00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:48,319
Nobody told me
anything about that.
461
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:49,832
Commandant, it's hard to believe
462
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:50,966
your word is not enough.
463
00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:52,723
I know what you mean.
464
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:54,791
I wish I didn't, but I do.
465
00:19:56,829 --> 00:20:01,966
I demand that you release
the three prisoners at once!
466
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,600
I must deny your request.
467
00:20:03,635 --> 00:20:05,169
Is that so?!
468
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,404
Well...
469
00:20:07,439 --> 00:20:09,874
if you say no, then it's no.
470
00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:11,075
Let's go.
471
00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:12,955
Uh, sir, may I
remind you that, uh...
472
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,348
Major Bernsdorf.
473
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:18,582
Who?
474
00:20:18,617 --> 00:20:19,812
Kinchmeyer.
475
00:20:19,836 --> 00:20:22,703
General Kinchmeyer, Gestapo.
476
00:20:22,739 --> 00:20:25,172
Has, uh, Colonel
Klink arrived yet?
477
00:20:25,207 --> 00:20:26,674
Yes, he's here now.
478
00:20:26,709 --> 00:20:29,944
Good. You will release
the three prisoners to him...
479
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:35,016
Calvelli, McPherson
und Hilgenbecker.
480
00:20:35,051 --> 00:20:36,583
But, General Kinchmeyer,
481
00:20:36,619 --> 00:20:39,586
I have no written authority
to release these men.
482
00:20:39,622 --> 00:20:43,090
You dare to question the
word of a Gestapo General?
483
00:20:43,126 --> 00:20:44,703
Release the three
prisoners at once,
484
00:20:44,727 --> 00:20:46,304
or you will suffer
the consequences.
485
00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:48,195
Heil Hitler!
486
00:20:48,230 --> 00:20:49,630
Heil Hitler, General.
487
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:54,151
I have received orders to
deliver these men to you.
488
00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:55,352
I will do so at once.
489
00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:58,555
I'm glad you see it my way.
490
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,724
Oh, boy, am I glad.
491
00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:04,494
Halt!
492
00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:08,565
Here are your three prisoners.
493
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:09,833
Danke.
494
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:24,714
Put the prisoners
into the truck at once.
495
00:21:24,750 --> 00:21:25,894
Jawohl, Herr Colonel.
496
00:21:25,918 --> 00:21:27,351
Inside!
497
00:21:27,386 --> 00:21:29,531
Hey, look... isn't that that
terrible Colonel Schultz
498
00:21:29,555 --> 00:21:30,654
from Stalag 13?
499
00:21:30,689 --> 00:21:33,101
No, that's the
terrible Colonel Klink
500
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:35,392
from Stalag 13.
501
00:21:35,428 --> 00:21:37,127
Don't send us back
there, sir, please.
502
00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:38,528
No, it's inhuman.
503
00:21:38,564 --> 00:21:39,696
We were happy here.
504
00:21:39,731 --> 00:21:41,432
We even had a tunnel started.
505
00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:42,599
All right, raus!
506
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:43,767
Inside the truck!
507
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:44,901
You heard the order!
508
00:21:44,937 --> 00:21:46,437
Back, back, back,
back, back, back!
509
00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,016
Back, back, back,
back, back, back!
510
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,040
There you are, sir.
511
00:21:50,209 --> 00:21:51,241
Three prisoners.
512
00:21:51,277 --> 00:21:52,354
Very good.
513
00:21:52,378 --> 00:21:53,810
If you don't mind my saying so,
514
00:21:53,846 --> 00:21:56,913
it's a highly irregular way of
conducting military business.
515
00:21:56,949 --> 00:21:58,726
Who do you think
you're talking to?
516
00:21:58,750 --> 00:21:59,916
But...
517
00:21:59,952 --> 00:22:01,563
I will tell you who
you are talking to.
518
00:22:01,587 --> 00:22:04,088
I am the famous Colonel Klink!
519
00:22:04,123 --> 00:22:06,390
The Iron Colonel.
520
00:22:07,626 --> 00:22:09,037
Now he comes to life.
521
00:22:09,061 --> 00:22:10,194
Arrest this man.
522
00:22:10,229 --> 00:22:11,561
But, sir...
523
00:22:11,597 --> 00:22:13,663
Have him shot and
sent to the Russian Front.
524
00:22:13,699 --> 00:22:16,367
And believe me, I can do it.
525
00:22:16,402 --> 00:22:17,812
And what is more...
526
00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:18,981
Uh, sir, Sergeant Schultz
527
00:22:19,005 --> 00:22:20,082
is waiting for you.
528
00:22:20,106 --> 00:22:22,672
I am a very big
man with Sergeant...
529
00:22:22,708 --> 00:22:24,408
Schultz?
530
00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:26,676
Auf Wiedersehen.
531
00:22:26,712 --> 00:22:28,678
Auf Wiedersehen, Colonel.
532
00:22:28,714 --> 00:22:31,448
You, uh, must come
to visit us sometime.
533
00:22:38,974 --> 00:22:40,974
Hey, Schultz, you were terrific.
534
00:22:41,010 --> 00:22:42,221
Yeah, you really
told that major;
535
00:22:42,245 --> 00:22:43,522
send him to the Russian Front.
536
00:22:43,546 --> 00:22:45,846
You gave him what
for, right and proper.
537
00:22:45,881 --> 00:22:47,659
Hey, Schultzy, where
did you get the...?
538
00:22:47,683 --> 00:22:49,661
Hey, Schultz, what's the matter?
539
00:22:49,685 --> 00:22:50,817
Colonel, he's fainted.
540
00:22:50,853 --> 00:22:52,219
Blimey, so he has.
541
00:22:52,255 --> 00:22:53,532
There's one
thing in our favor...
542
00:22:53,556 --> 00:22:55,556
He was sitting down
when it happened.
543
00:23:12,458 --> 00:23:14,769
I told you, sir, that
they are not here.
544
00:23:14,793 --> 00:23:18,128
Calvelli, McPherson
und Hilgenbecker.
545
00:23:18,163 --> 00:23:19,274
There has never
546
00:23:19,298 --> 00:23:20,875
been an escape from Stalag 13.
547
00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:22,148
Then I suggest
548
00:23:22,184 --> 00:23:24,150
that someone is making
a fool of you, Colonel.
549
00:23:24,186 --> 00:23:25,330
Impossible.
550
00:23:25,354 --> 00:23:27,354
What's done is done.
551
00:23:28,357 --> 00:23:30,290
The fact remains that an officer
552
00:23:30,325 --> 00:23:33,159
calling himself Colonel
Klink came to Stalag 4
553
00:23:33,195 --> 00:23:34,495
and took those men.
554
00:23:34,530 --> 00:23:36,697
Now, I was here all last night
555
00:23:36,732 --> 00:23:39,566
in my quarters
listening to the BBC.
556
00:23:39,602 --> 00:23:41,334
I mean, the BBC Symphony.
557
00:23:41,370 --> 00:23:42,503
I have them on records.
558
00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:45,906
The man was over six feet tall,
559
00:23:45,941 --> 00:23:48,909
weighed 300 pounds, with very...
560
00:23:48,944 --> 00:23:50,911
military bearing.
561
00:23:50,946 --> 00:23:52,746
Well, that certainly is not me.
562
00:23:52,781 --> 00:23:55,749
And we have no such
officer in our camp.
563
00:23:55,784 --> 00:23:56,950
Very well.
564
00:23:56,986 --> 00:23:58,585
But I assure you,
565
00:23:58,621 --> 00:24:00,787
the investigation
will be continued.
566
00:24:03,559 --> 00:24:04,791
The nerve of him!
567
00:24:04,827 --> 00:24:05,959
You know, sir,
568
00:24:05,995 --> 00:24:08,028
the description he
gave fits Schultz.
569
00:24:08,063 --> 00:24:09,930
Coming here and...
570
00:24:09,965 --> 00:24:12,633
Schultz?
571
00:24:12,668 --> 00:24:14,167
Our Schultz, an officer?
572
00:24:16,438 --> 00:24:17,671
That's ridiculous.
573
00:24:17,706 --> 00:24:19,172
Schultz an officer.
574
00:24:24,079 --> 00:24:26,813
Colonel Hogan, what happened?
575
00:24:26,849 --> 00:24:28,916
They're looking
for a man, Schultz,
576
00:24:28,951 --> 00:24:32,085
over six feet tall, weight 300.
577
00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:33,364
Do you think there's a chance
578
00:24:33,388 --> 00:24:34,599
they might find him?
579
00:24:34,623 --> 00:24:36,489
No, but just to be
on the safe side,
580
00:24:36,525 --> 00:24:39,492
why don't you go on a diet?
581
00:24:39,528 --> 00:24:41,962
Colonel.
582
00:24:41,997 --> 00:24:43,997
All right, men, fall out.
39450
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