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1
00:00:03,820 --> 00:00:07,422
CBS presents this
program in color.
2
00:00:58,742 --> 00:01:01,542
Sechs, sieben, acht, neun...
3
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,151
Report!
4
00:01:09,186 --> 00:01:13,122
Herr Kommandant, all
present and accounted for.
5
00:01:13,157 --> 00:01:14,522
All right, Schultz.
6
00:01:14,558 --> 00:01:15,824
Hogan,
7
00:01:15,860 --> 00:01:17,626
at ease.
8
00:01:20,430 --> 00:01:22,109
All present, Colonel Hogan.
9
00:01:22,133 --> 00:01:23,598
I'm glad of that, sir.
10
00:01:23,634 --> 00:01:25,033
Now, you should know
11
00:01:25,069 --> 00:01:27,347
no one ever escapes
from Stalag 13.
12
00:01:27,371 --> 00:01:29,805
However, I appreciate
your cooperation
13
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,952
in asking for this
special count.
14
00:01:31,976 --> 00:01:34,076
A couple of hotheads
had a crazy escape plan...
15
00:01:34,111 --> 00:01:35,822
You know, in business
for themselves.
16
00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:37,880
I wanted to head 'em off.
17
00:01:37,915 --> 00:01:39,915
That was a wise decision.
18
00:01:41,952 --> 00:01:44,219
Smoke if you have them.
19
00:01:44,255 --> 00:01:45,999
I mean, if there's
any breaking out,
20
00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,667
our Escape Committee
can handle that.
21
00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:50,959
I warn you, Hogan,
one false move and...
22
00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:58,483
There it is, Major,
a perfect arrow.
23
00:01:58,518 --> 00:02:01,153
Hogan's Heroes.
24
00:02:01,188 --> 00:02:02,666
I don't know how they do it.
25
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:04,400
Now, that's what I call service.
26
00:02:04,424 --> 00:02:07,759
They sure turned this
mission into a milk run.
27
00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:11,908
Blue Fox Leader to Little Foxes.
28
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:16,634
Primary target,
bearing 0-6 degrees.
29
00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,514
Follow me in, drop your eggs,
30
00:02:18,538 --> 00:02:21,506
and head for the barn.
31
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,241
Pilot to bombardier.
32
00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:24,743
It's all yours, Mike.
33
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:27,090
Get that bridge, and
I'll punch your ticket
34
00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:29,314
to a three-day pass in London.
35
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:49,613
Gentlemen, last night
a force of enemy planes
36
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,948
attacked the Adolf Hitler Bridge
37
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:54,016
near the town of Braunstadt.
38
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,910
Except for minor damage,
39
00:02:58,945 --> 00:03:01,313
the Adolf Hitler
Bridge was not touched
40
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:04,583
and is being used
today for vital military
41
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,084
and civilian traffic.
42
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,098
Silence!
43
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,723
The Adolf Hitler
Bridge remains intact,
44
00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:14,959
proving the superiority
of the German defenses.
45
00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:17,729
Yeah, we'll get the bridge
next time, Fritz, baby!
46
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,677
Silence!
47
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,034
Enough of your
American insolence.
48
00:03:23,069 --> 00:03:26,237
The man who said that
will take two steps forward.
49
00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:29,419
Not all of you! Back.
50
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,910
No, that's wrong!
51
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:34,980
I wish you'd make
up your mind, Schultz.
52
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:36,226
It's a lovely day for a walk.
53
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,951
Yeah, we should've
packed a lunch.
54
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,964
Since you all take
two steps forward,
55
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,454
you're all guilty,
56
00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:44,756
and you will all take
the consequences.
57
00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:48,793
The recreation hall will
be closed for one week.
58
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:52,064
That's terrible!
Come on, Colonel!
59
00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:53,765
If you close the
recreation hall,
60
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,001
you're gonna deprive us of
our Tommy Dorsey records.
61
00:03:57,204 --> 00:04:00,038
That's a cruel, inhuman,
sadistic punishment.
62
00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:02,540
Colonel Hogan...
63
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,410
I am so deeply
moved by your protest,
64
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:08,280
the recreation hall will
not be closed for one week.
65
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,250
It will be closed for two weeks!
66
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:14,319
Dismissed!
67
00:04:16,656 --> 00:04:20,025
Two weeks?! It's impossible!
68
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,262
Look, I know that arrow
69
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:25,697
was pointed in
the right direction.
70
00:04:25,732 --> 00:04:26,965
I took a bearing from the roof
71
00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:28,744
of Klink's office.
Doesn't matter, Kinch,
72
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,646
the Adolf Hitler Bridge
is still in business.
73
00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:33,171
Yeah, and Klink's
happy... nasty happy.
74
00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:34,839
Let's make him
unhappy... Nasty unhappy.
75
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,141
Let's knock out that bridge.
76
00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:37,575
Huh?
77
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,522
What?! You're kidding. I
mean, how do we get there?
78
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:40,778
We'll worry about that later.
79
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,647
What kind of explosives
have we got, Carter?
80
00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:44,995
Three firecrackers
and a can of lighter fluid.
81
00:04:45,019 --> 00:04:46,084
Firecrackers?
82
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,585
Well, sure, you remember.
83
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,765
We told Klink that
LeBeau was part Chinese,
84
00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:52,757
we had to have firecrackers
to celebrate Chinese New Year.
85
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,526
Oh, yeah. And I cooked that
86
00:04:54,561 --> 00:04:56,772
whole pot of chow
mein with sauerkraut.
87
00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:58,397
Please. Not while I'm plotting.
88
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:00,532
Have we got anything
to make explosives?
89
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:02,778
Well, the easiest thing
would be some kind of gas,
90
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,614
if we could get a
detonator and a timer.
91
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,604
Maybe chlorine gas.
What do you need?
92
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,486
Ammonia would do it, mixed
with bleach, if we had any.
93
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,309
Hey, the Krauts
keep a lot of that stuff
94
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:12,677
in the kitchen for cleaning.
95
00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:14,179
Newkirk, go find Schultz.
96
00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:16,448
Volunteer for kitchen
detail. Yes, Colonel.
97
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,161
Kinch, you go with
Carter, help him set up
98
00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:19,795
his bomb factory in
tunnel number three.
99
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:21,197
Get him anything
he needs. Right.
100
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:23,166
Wha-What about me, Colonel?
101
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:25,090
What do I do? LeBeau, my boy,
102
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:27,426
I'm holding you in reserve
to make chow mein.
103
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:28,571
What?
104
00:05:28,595 --> 00:05:30,128
If Carter's bombs don't do it,
105
00:05:30,164 --> 00:05:33,532
we may have to
poison that bridge.
106
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,808
We'd better get out of here.
107
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,143
He's got work to do.
108
00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:46,978
Carter, good luck.
And hurry it up.
109
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,480
Yeah, right, Colonel.
110
00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:58,707
Carter?
111
00:05:58,742 --> 00:06:00,141
Carter?
112
00:06:00,176 --> 00:06:02,143
You okay? Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
113
00:06:02,178 --> 00:06:04,190
Boy, that stuff's
really unstable. Yeah.
114
00:06:04,214 --> 00:06:05,925
You got to get that
mixture just right.
115
00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:08,695
Yeah, I know, I know. You've
got to expect a few little explosions.
116
00:06:08,719 --> 00:06:10,296
Oh, sure. Oh, boy,
you keep that up,
117
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:11,731
Klink'll be down
here in a minute,
118
00:06:11,755 --> 00:06:12,965
and there goes the ball game.
119
00:06:12,989 --> 00:06:14,989
I think I have an idea
how to explain the noise.
120
00:06:15,024 --> 00:06:18,259
Carter, keep working.
Uh, you do have insurance?
121
00:06:43,086 --> 00:06:45,420
Sign here, Colonel.
122
00:06:47,457 --> 00:06:49,391
And... here.
123
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:54,362
And here.
124
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:58,600
Without requisitions,
there would be no war.
125
00:06:58,635 --> 00:07:00,201
Danke.
126
00:07:03,172 --> 00:07:06,307
Greetings, baby.
127
00:07:08,144 --> 00:07:10,111
Herr Kommandant,
you sent for me?
128
00:07:10,146 --> 00:07:11,346
I did.
129
00:07:11,381 --> 00:07:13,448
Tell me, Schultz,
what was the reaction
130
00:07:13,483 --> 00:07:15,784
to the closing of the
recreation hall, hmm?
131
00:07:15,819 --> 00:07:17,118
Very unhappy.
132
00:07:17,153 --> 00:07:19,654
They miss Tommy Dorsey.
133
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:20,988
What a pity.
134
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:23,658
I daresay they're calling
me all sorts of names?
135
00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:24,992
The usual,
136
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,529
but Colonel Hogan has a new one.
137
00:07:27,564 --> 00:07:29,697
It starts with...
138
00:07:32,769 --> 00:07:35,403
"Your parents were
baboons and..."
139
00:07:35,439 --> 00:07:36,571
I'm not interested!
140
00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:41,643
Of course, Herr
Kommandant, I did not listen.
141
00:07:58,344 --> 00:08:00,522
Now, uh, during the
disciplinary period,
142
00:08:00,546 --> 00:08:03,081
there is bound to be
increased escape activity.
143
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:05,817
I want you to make spot
checks on all barracks
144
00:08:05,852 --> 00:08:08,419
and search for any
signs of tunnel-digging.
145
00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:10,221
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
146
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:16,494
Those explosions.
147
00:08:16,529 --> 00:08:18,229
They are top secret.
148
00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:20,231
Please don't tell me.
149
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,466
I'm such a blabbermouth.
150
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,170
If you open your blabbermouth,
by the time you close it,
151
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,772
you will be a well-known
figure at the Russian front.
152
00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:29,674
If you live.
153
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:32,610
Now, there is a sign posted
a half a mile from here,
154
00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:35,113
"Blasting in Progress
for Construction."
155
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:38,116
I have checked with Berlin...
They know nothing about it,
156
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,529
which, of course,
means that it is top secret.
157
00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:42,331
The sign has
obviously been put up
158
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:45,056
to make people think
that it is a civilian project.
159
00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:46,590
Very clever of Berlin.
160
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:50,295
Oh, those devils...
always up to something.
161
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,675
You are talking about
Headquarters, Sergeant.
162
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,166
Oh, I didn't mean it that
way, Herr Kommandant.
163
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,046
Now, if the prisoners
ask any questions
164
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,048
about these explosions,
you know nothing.
165
00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:00,638
You are ignorant.
166
00:09:00,673 --> 00:09:03,241
Oh, I can handle that.
167
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,709
I know.
168
00:09:04,744 --> 00:09:06,344
Dismissed.
169
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:26,064
Boy, that was a beaut.
170
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,499
Yeah, he... he loosened
one of my fillings.
171
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:29,678
Write to your prime minister.
172
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:31,302
You ordered soufflé for tonight?
173
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,304
What you will get
is upside-down cake.
174
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:36,440
That's two if you... Wait a
minute, I heard something.
175
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,554
Shh. Listen. You're
going round the bend...
176
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,912
Will you shut up and listen.
177
00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:42,513
It's Carter! The tunnel.
178
00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:45,549
- Newkirk, watch the door.
- Something's wrong!
179
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,719
Quick, get him out of there.
180
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:52,190
Come on, come on.
181
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:54,025
Put him here.
182
00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:55,304
Can you hear me?
183
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:56,494
Hello, Mom.
184
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:57,706
The water.
185
00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,730
LeBeau! I'm nervous.
186
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,367
Will you give it to him.
187
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:03,712
There. Feeling better?
188
00:10:03,736 --> 00:10:04,869
Much better.
189
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,271
Not you. Him.
190
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,606
I'm fine now. I'm
okay. I'm just...
191
00:10:08,641 --> 00:10:11,509
He's in great shape.
192
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:14,379
No, everything's
really fine, Colonel.
193
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,781
If I could just have a
couple of more shots.
194
00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:18,961
A couple of more shots,
and we won't be here.
195
00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:21,230
We could never get that
stuff to the bridge anyway,
196
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,599
even if you got it ready.
Shall I make some chow mein?
197
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,606
Watch out! Goons coming!
198
00:10:35,585 --> 00:10:36,718
Hi, Schultz.
199
00:10:36,753 --> 00:10:39,487
Hello, gentlemen!
200
00:10:39,522 --> 00:10:41,567
Oh, it's our old pal, Schultz.
201
00:10:41,591 --> 00:10:43,892
What is wrong with
Carter? He looks terrible.
202
00:10:43,927 --> 00:10:46,260
Very sick. Oh?
203
00:10:46,296 --> 00:10:47,628
One for Mommy.
204
00:10:48,665 --> 00:10:52,100
And one for Daddy.
205
00:10:52,135 --> 00:10:54,202
What is that? Medicine.
206
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,648
It's delicious... you want some?
207
00:10:55,672 --> 00:10:56,749
Ugh! No.
208
00:10:56,773 --> 00:10:58,651
We take him to the hospital.
209
00:10:58,675 --> 00:11:00,008
Langenscheidt!
210
00:11:00,043 --> 00:11:03,489
Hey, Schultz, what about
a game of cards, then?
211
00:11:03,513 --> 00:11:04,724
Come on. Who, me?
212
00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:06,659
You're a right old
wizard at poker, you are.
213
00:11:06,683 --> 00:11:08,717
At poker I stink.
214
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,351
No need to get personal, now.
215
00:11:10,386 --> 00:11:12,386
Hey, come on, Kinch, deal.
216
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,627
Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.
217
00:11:19,662 --> 00:11:22,063
Hmm. Auf Wiedersehen.
218
00:11:27,537 --> 00:11:30,271
We still got to figure a way
to make more ammunition.
219
00:11:30,306 --> 00:11:32,373
Well, I'm still willing
to try, Colonel.
220
00:11:32,408 --> 00:11:33,708
Whose side are you on?
221
00:11:33,744 --> 00:11:36,222
Pity we don't have
about 500 of these.
222
00:11:36,246 --> 00:11:38,057
They'd make a lovely bomb.
223
00:11:38,081 --> 00:11:40,314
Hey, Newkirk,
where'd you get these?
224
00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:42,228
Schultz's cartridge
case... I pinched them
225
00:11:42,252 --> 00:11:44,163
while I was giving
him that old jolly-up.
226
00:11:44,187 --> 00:11:46,427
Bit of practice. You
get rusty, you know.
227
00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:48,823
Oh, yeah. Why not?
228
00:11:48,859 --> 00:11:51,092
Why not what, Colonel?
229
00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:54,495
Blow up the Adolf Hitler Bridge
with their own ammunition.
230
00:11:54,530 --> 00:11:56,965
It's a nice touch. Here.
231
00:11:58,969 --> 00:12:01,329
All right, fellas, look at here.
232
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,532
This is where the Krauts
keep their ammunition,
233
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:04,989
in the ammunition room, right?
234
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:09,160
Now, we dig a right-angle
turn in tunnel number three,
235
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:12,463
and we surface in the middle
of all that beautiful gunpowder.
236
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:13,797
That's marvelous!
237
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:16,045
That's great. Wait a
minute, hold it, fellas.
238
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:19,170
Before you get too happy,
I got some bad news.
239
00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:22,407
That last explosion collapsed
about 50 feet of tunnel three.
240
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,909
Oh, that's the clincher.
241
00:12:24,944 --> 00:12:26,411
The way the Krauts
are watching us,
242
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:28,379
it'll take us a month
to clear that 50 feet.
243
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,465
Newkirk, can you pick a lock?
244
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,845
I find that question,
sir, highly insulting.
245
00:12:32,869 --> 00:12:34,536
Sorry, old bean, I
should have known.
246
00:12:34,571 --> 00:12:36,270
Gentlemen, I think
we're in business.
247
00:12:36,306 --> 00:12:37,705
LeBeau, we can use all the paint
248
00:12:37,741 --> 00:12:39,407
you have left over
from that sign job
249
00:12:39,443 --> 00:12:40,769
and a couple of
paintbrushes, too.
250
00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:41,937
Okay. What for?
251
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:46,130
Tonight we're going to
paint Klink into a corner.
252
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,573
"Hess...
253
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,575
is a mess."
254
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,788
"Himmler is a rat fink."
255
00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:03,331
"Goering is a fat rat fink."
256
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:05,333
"Col. Klink...
257
00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:09,838
is bucking for rat fink."
258
00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:11,206
Oh, no!
259
00:13:12,608 --> 00:13:14,586
Hogan, this time
you've gone too far.
260
00:13:14,610 --> 00:13:15,721
Aw, come on, Colonel.
261
00:13:15,745 --> 00:13:16,989
That's a boyish prank.
262
00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:19,325
Ever since you closed
up the recreation hall,
263
00:13:19,349 --> 00:13:21,794
they can't dance to their
Tommy Dorsey records.
264
00:13:21,818 --> 00:13:23,362
Got to blow off steam somehow.
265
00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:26,020
I'll send you to the
cooler, every one of you!
266
00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:27,533
Temper, temper, Colonel.
267
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:29,035
Your men can paint
out those words
268
00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,358
in a couple of hours.
269
00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:31,860
My men? Your men!
270
00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:34,162
They will paint this
entire building at once.
271
00:13:34,197 --> 00:13:36,364
Then we'll talk about
punishment. Schultz!
272
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:37,877
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
273
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,879
Issue paints and brushes
to these assassins at once.
274
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:41,214
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
275
00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:43,049
Now, wait a minute,
Colonel. I protest.
276
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,583
Prisoners of war
are not required
277
00:13:44,607 --> 00:13:45,740
to do this kind of work.
278
00:13:45,775 --> 00:13:47,275
We'll need a tarp... a big one.
279
00:13:47,310 --> 00:13:48,442
And besides that,
280
00:13:48,478 --> 00:13:49,889
it's against all the
rules of civilized warfare.
281
00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:51,880
Need a couple
of ladders... tall.
282
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:54,582
Jawohl. One more
word out of you, Hogan,
283
00:13:54,617 --> 00:13:56,284
and your men will
paint this building
284
00:13:56,319 --> 00:14:00,421
for the entire war... in chains!
285
00:14:06,329 --> 00:14:08,174
Newkirk, paint
the door trim, huh?
286
00:14:08,198 --> 00:14:10,442
I'll have to go under
the tarp for that, sir.
287
00:14:10,466 --> 00:14:12,644
I don't care how you do it.
288
00:14:12,668 --> 00:14:14,002
Okay, Colonel.
289
00:14:28,051 --> 00:14:30,552
Piece of cake.
290
00:14:31,888 --> 00:14:34,300
LeBeau, get under the
tarp, work on the door.
291
00:14:34,324 --> 00:14:36,357
Right, Colonel.
292
00:14:42,732 --> 00:14:45,772
All right. Come on, fellas,
let's get this job done.
293
00:14:50,373 --> 00:14:52,373
That job is going to
take much more time
294
00:14:52,409 --> 00:14:53,874
than we thought, Colonel.
295
00:14:53,910 --> 00:14:55,209
It's slow work.
296
00:14:55,245 --> 00:14:56,544
All right, Newkirk.
297
00:14:56,579 --> 00:14:58,712
Permission to go to the
hut for a minute, Schultz?
298
00:14:58,748 --> 00:15:00,248
Jawohl.
299
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:05,269
Water the paint.
300
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:07,672
We need more time.
301
00:15:17,883 --> 00:15:20,551
There is more traffic
here than downtown Berlin.
302
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,232
Paint fumes gather
underneath the tarp, Schultz.
303
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,576
They have to clear their heads.
304
00:15:30,213 --> 00:15:34,348
I wish I had a
drugstore on this corner.
305
00:15:34,383 --> 00:15:36,851
You ordered us to paint
the building. We painted it.
306
00:15:36,886 --> 00:15:39,621
Colonel Hogan, this is
not what I had in mind.
307
00:15:39,656 --> 00:15:41,555
I can still read those insults.
308
00:15:41,591 --> 00:15:43,335
Now, you will paint it again,
309
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,837
and again, if necessary,
310
00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:46,572
until those insulting
statements are gone.
311
00:15:46,596 --> 00:15:48,229
Now, paint it!
312
00:15:50,233 --> 00:15:52,366
All right, fellas, you
heard the Commandant.
313
00:15:52,401 --> 00:15:54,068
Now, let's get it right.
314
00:15:56,405 --> 00:15:58,405
No, no, no, no, no!
315
00:15:58,441 --> 00:16:01,009
A pink building on a
military establishment?
316
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:02,510
Are you mad?
317
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,156
If you think I wouldn't turn you
318
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:06,425
over to the Gestapo,
you are sadly mistaken.
319
00:16:06,449 --> 00:16:07,827
Come on, Colonel.
It's about time
320
00:16:07,851 --> 00:16:09,228
we got a little
color in the war.
321
00:16:09,252 --> 00:16:11,653
Everything's so drab.
322
00:16:11,688 --> 00:16:13,788
Paint it again!
323
00:16:13,823 --> 00:16:16,168
All right. So there won't
be any misunderstanding,
324
00:16:16,192 --> 00:16:17,692
Carter, come here.
325
00:16:19,362 --> 00:16:21,941
Carter was a decorator
before the war.
326
00:16:21,965 --> 00:16:24,832
I've made up some
samples for you, sir.
327
00:16:24,868 --> 00:16:26,333
What?
328
00:16:26,369 --> 00:16:28,836
May I suggest Blue Lagoon?
329
00:16:28,872 --> 00:16:30,337
Blue Lagoon?
330
00:16:30,373 --> 00:16:32,339
It's so warm and friendly.
331
00:16:32,375 --> 00:16:36,343
My wife loves Shocking Burgundy.
332
00:16:36,379 --> 00:16:37,845
Shocking Burgundy?
333
00:16:37,881 --> 00:16:40,882
I'm a little partial to
chartreuse, myself.
334
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:43,785
Well, after all, you
are an officer, sir.
335
00:16:43,820 --> 00:16:48,222
Paint it as all the
other buildings. Schnell!
336
00:16:49,726 --> 00:16:51,742
No imagination.
337
00:17:03,839 --> 00:17:08,809
All we have to do is
set this timer, and boom!
338
00:17:08,844 --> 00:17:10,311
Hello, Adolf?
339
00:17:10,346 --> 00:17:13,314
Did you see a bridge
go by at 5,000 feet?
340
00:17:13,349 --> 00:17:16,317
Ja? Well, it had your
name on it, mate!
341
00:17:16,352 --> 00:17:17,818
Fine. We have the bomb.
342
00:17:17,853 --> 00:17:19,164
Now, how do we get it there?
343
00:17:19,188 --> 00:17:21,100
I'm glad you asked
that, my friend.
344
00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:23,034
Might I have your
attention, please?
345
00:17:23,058 --> 00:17:25,770
Here is Braunstadt and
the bridge, and here we are.
346
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:28,340
Every day, the Division
messenger comes in here
347
00:17:28,364 --> 00:17:31,064
to pick up the mail and,
like a good little Kraut,
348
00:17:31,100 --> 00:17:34,146
he goes back across the
bridge on his little motorcycle.
349
00:17:34,170 --> 00:17:36,982
Tomorrow, there's going
to be a little extra package
350
00:17:37,006 --> 00:17:40,352
in his little sidecar... without
him knowing, of course. Cute?
351
00:17:40,376 --> 00:17:41,853
Cute. Cute.
352
00:17:41,877 --> 00:17:43,844
Well, how can we be exact
about setting the timer?
353
00:17:43,879 --> 00:17:45,991
All rear echelon
drivers have orders
354
00:17:46,015 --> 00:17:47,859
not to exceed 40 miles an hour.
355
00:17:47,883 --> 00:17:50,284
Right. So all we have to
do is measure the distance
356
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:52,386
from here to the bridge
at 40 miles an hour,
357
00:17:52,421 --> 00:17:54,388
and then set the
timer so that it blows up
358
00:17:54,423 --> 00:17:55,867
while he's crossing the bridge.
359
00:17:55,891 --> 00:17:58,058
My son the mathematician.
360
00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:29,001
What are you doing, eh?
361
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:31,158
Oh, I was admiring
your motor, that's all.
362
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:32,826
Get off.
363
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:35,495
Hey, you know, I had
a motorcycle at home?
364
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:36,997
I said, get away!
365
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:40,167
You... You push me,
I push you right back.
366
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:42,002
Wait. Wait a minute.
367
00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:44,558
Maybe I don't push you back.
368
00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:05,609
Bon voyage!
369
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:06,978
I wonder
370
00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:09,680
what the new messenger's
going to be like.
371
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:11,682
What are you doing?
372
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:14,251
Very nasty bit of work,
that courier, Schultz.
373
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:15,419
You're telling me?
374
00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,188
I asked him to take one pound
375
00:19:17,223 --> 00:19:19,323
of coffee to my
wife in Dusseldorf.
376
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:22,259
He charged me ten
marks for that little detour.
377
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:23,372
Dusseldorf?
378
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:24,362
A detour?
379
00:19:24,397 --> 00:19:26,430
Oops.
380
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:30,767
Now, according to my figures,
it's, uh, roughly 20 minutes
381
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:33,137
before he reaches
the crossroads here.
382
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,516
The road to the
left is Dusseldorf,
383
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:36,318
to the right Braunstadt
and the bridge, huh?
384
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:38,120
Yeah, and, according
to the information
385
00:19:38,144 --> 00:19:39,521
that we pumped out of Schultz,
386
00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:41,056
they've got three
sentries posted
387
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,391
between here and Braunstadt.
388
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:44,326
They're numbered,
uh, five, seven and nine.
389
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:46,583
All connected by
phone. Yes, Colonel.
390
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,964
The Krauts use them
for setting up roadblocks.
391
00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,699
Now, Number Nine is closest
392
00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:52,201
to the crossroads. Here.
393
00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:54,358
That's the one we try for.
394
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:55,693
If Kinch is right,
395
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:58,462
we have exactly 18 minutes
before that bomb blows.
396
00:19:58,498 --> 00:20:01,365
Start sweating.
397
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,401
And that's an order.
398
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:13,527
So, your men were
going to try to bribe me.
399
00:20:13,562 --> 00:20:14,828
Me.
400
00:20:14,863 --> 00:20:15,996
Afraid so, sir.
401
00:20:16,031 --> 00:20:18,031
Indeed.
402
00:20:20,035 --> 00:20:22,703
Fraulein Helga, come in here
with your notebook at once.
403
00:20:29,244 --> 00:20:30,522
Bribery, huh?
404
00:20:30,546 --> 00:20:33,046
This will go down in
the record for Berlin.
405
00:20:33,081 --> 00:20:35,415
Now, Fraulein Helga, I want
you to take down everything
406
00:20:35,450 --> 00:20:37,617
that is said in this
office, verbatim.
407
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:38,819
Jawohl, Herr Colonel.
408
00:20:38,854 --> 00:20:40,187
All right, Colonel,
409
00:20:40,222 --> 00:20:42,756
now just what exactly
did your men do, huh?
410
00:20:42,792 --> 00:20:44,670
Well, they gave the
Division Messenger money
411
00:20:44,694 --> 00:20:46,371
to pick up a case
of your favorite wine
412
00:20:46,395 --> 00:20:47,628
in Dusseldorf.
413
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,250
They figured the
bribe, or the gift,
414
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:55,619
would make you reopen
the recreation hall.
415
00:20:55,654 --> 00:20:57,121
And they keep saying,
416
00:20:57,156 --> 00:20:59,656
there's a lot of human
being in Colonel Klink.
417
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,242
Those fools.
418
00:21:02,277 --> 00:21:04,478
I told them they were wrong.
419
00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:05,896
A bribe, huh?
420
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:08,332
I will throw them
in the cooler for life.
421
00:21:08,367 --> 00:21:10,468
Even after the war.
422
00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:11,868
Even if we lose.
423
00:21:13,138 --> 00:21:15,067
Schultz, arrest the
Division Messenger
424
00:21:15,091 --> 00:21:17,324
the moment he sets
foot in this camp again.
425
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,337
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
426
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,011
I must say
427
00:21:21,046 --> 00:21:23,709
you're the most secure
officer I've ever met.
428
00:21:23,733 --> 00:21:25,099
What do you mean?
429
00:21:25,134 --> 00:21:27,167
Well, the Division
Messenger goes to Dusseldorf,
430
00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:30,537
stops at a bar for a drink,
starts bragging about the bribe,
431
00:21:30,572 --> 00:21:32,973
the Gestapo overhears.
432
00:21:33,008 --> 00:21:34,891
My hat's off to you, sir.
433
00:21:34,927 --> 00:21:36,672
I mean, do you care
if they need officers
434
00:21:36,696 --> 00:21:38,596
at the Russian Front? No, sir.
435
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:40,598
That's enough.
436
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:42,644
Get me the Division
Messenger on the road
437
00:21:42,668 --> 00:21:43,778
to Braunstadt at once.
438
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,136
Sentry Post Number Nine.
439
00:21:45,171 --> 00:21:46,482
Ring Sentry Post Number Nine.
440
00:21:46,506 --> 00:21:48,317
There goes my pound of coffee.
441
00:21:48,341 --> 00:21:50,719
Don't put that down, baby.
442
00:21:50,743 --> 00:21:53,183
Schultz, stop muttering.
443
00:21:53,746 --> 00:21:55,190
The Recreation Hall, huh?
444
00:21:55,214 --> 00:21:56,325
I shall personally
445
00:21:56,349 --> 00:21:58,227
smash their Tommy Dorsey records
446
00:21:58,251 --> 00:21:59,595
in front of their eyes.
447
00:21:59,619 --> 00:22:00,984
Oh, come on, Colonel...
448
00:22:01,020 --> 00:22:02,764
And their Jimmy Dorsey records.
449
00:22:02,788 --> 00:22:05,356
Also the Andrews Sisters.
450
00:22:05,391 --> 00:22:06,590
Hello?
451
00:22:06,626 --> 00:22:08,925
This is Colonel
Klink, Luft Stalag 13.
452
00:22:08,961 --> 00:22:10,327
What?
453
00:22:10,363 --> 00:22:11,906
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Heil Hitler.
454
00:22:11,930 --> 00:22:14,309
Has the Division Messenger
passed your way yet?
455
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:15,699
He hasn't?
456
00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:17,279
Good. Now listen carefully.
457
00:22:17,303 --> 00:22:18,980
He is not to go to Dusseldorf
458
00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:20,549
for any reason whatsoever.
459
00:22:20,573 --> 00:22:22,417
He must proceed
on his regular route.
460
00:22:22,441 --> 00:22:23,774
To Braunstadt across the bridge.
461
00:22:23,809 --> 00:22:25,621
To Braunstadt across the bridge.
462
00:22:25,645 --> 00:22:26,610
Understood?
463
00:22:26,646 --> 00:22:27,656
Understood.
464
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:28,890
Now you're to telephone me
465
00:22:28,914 --> 00:22:30,058
and confirm.
466
00:22:30,082 --> 00:22:31,793
If these orders
are not carried out,
467
00:22:31,817 --> 00:22:33,728
you and the messenger
will be court-martialed,
468
00:22:33,752 --> 00:22:35,230
shot and sent to
the Russian Front.
469
00:22:35,254 --> 00:22:36,431
That's all.
470
00:22:36,455 --> 00:22:37,688
What?
471
00:22:37,723 --> 00:22:40,090
Oh, yes, of course. Heil Hitler.
472
00:22:40,125 --> 00:22:42,337
Did, uh, you say something
473
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:43,738
while I was talking
on the phone?
474
00:22:43,762 --> 00:22:44,895
Me? No, sir.
475
00:22:44,930 --> 00:22:46,074
Schultz,
476
00:22:46,098 --> 00:22:48,258
you're muttering again.
477
00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:53,904
All right, now we shall all wait
478
00:22:53,939 --> 00:22:56,307
until the sentry calls us back.
479
00:22:56,342 --> 00:22:57,986
And then you will watch me
480
00:22:58,010 --> 00:23:01,022
throw your men into the
cooler with my own hands.
481
00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,747
And you can put
cooler in capital letters.
482
00:23:24,903 --> 00:23:25,980
And if I find any
483
00:23:26,004 --> 00:23:27,349
Bing Crosby records,
484
00:23:27,373 --> 00:23:29,017
I smash them, too.
485
00:23:33,579 --> 00:23:35,824
Herr Kommandant,
that was the worst.
486
00:23:35,848 --> 00:23:37,048
It's that construction work.
487
00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:38,215
I wish they'd finish.
488
00:23:38,251 --> 00:23:39,383
I'm getting sick of this.
489
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:40,684
I don't think there are going
490
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,185
to be any more
explosions, Colonel.
491
00:23:42,221 --> 00:23:43,798
And how do you know, may I ask?
492
00:23:43,822 --> 00:23:46,022
Just a wild guess.
493
00:23:51,664 --> 00:23:53,942
And the source of the
mysterious explosion
494
00:23:53,966 --> 00:23:57,434
that destroyed the bridge
is being investigated.
495
00:23:57,470 --> 00:23:59,064
Good luck, Charlie.
496
00:24:00,256 --> 00:24:01,366
In the meantime,
497
00:24:01,390 --> 00:24:02,567
I am calling for volunteers
498
00:24:02,591 --> 00:24:04,936
to help rebuild the
Adolf Hitler Bridge.
499
00:24:08,431 --> 00:24:10,964
Oh, pipe down, pipe down.
500
00:24:10,999 --> 00:24:12,377
Colonel, I volunteer
the services
501
00:24:12,401 --> 00:24:13,612
of my command.
502
00:24:15,638 --> 00:24:16,770
Pipe down, pipe down.
503
00:24:16,806 --> 00:24:18,082
Thank you, Colonel, thank you.
504
00:24:18,106 --> 00:24:20,407
Provided the recreation
hall is reopened
505
00:24:20,443 --> 00:24:22,320
and all past
offenses are excused.
506
00:24:22,344 --> 00:24:25,011
Request granted.
507
00:24:25,047 --> 00:24:27,080
Dismissed.
508
00:24:30,486 --> 00:24:31,618
Shh.
509
00:24:31,654 --> 00:24:33,587
All right, all right.
510
00:24:33,622 --> 00:24:34,999
We're going to
rebuild the bridge
511
00:24:35,023 --> 00:24:36,490
with a very special feature.
512
00:24:36,525 --> 00:24:37,769
What do you mean by that?
513
00:24:37,793 --> 00:24:39,704
It's going to be the
only bridge in the world
514
00:24:39,728 --> 00:24:41,728
with a built-in bomb.
36559
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