All language subtitles for Goodnight Sweetheart s02e07 Would You Like to Swing on a Star

Good night, sweet heart.

All my prayers are for you.

Good night, sweet heart.

I'll be watching over you.

Tears and parting may make us alone.

But with the dawn,

a new day will come.

Hello. Hi.

And to what do I owe the pleasure?

Well, it's a bit embarrassing, really.

See, it's the end of the month on
Friday, and Yvonne thinks I'm working

so she's going to want to see some
wages.

What a quaint, old -fashioned notion.

Wages you can actually see.

I know. You tell her you're working for
me on a commission -only basis, and

you're crapped. She'll believe that.

My salary checks you're signing?

Don't even think about it, Gad.

The best way to lose a friend is to lend
him money.

No, Ron, that's the second best way.

The best way to lose a friend is not to
lend him money.

All right.

All right, as long as I know where I
stand.

May I use your phone?

Or are you morally opposed to lending me
ten pence worth of telecom?

Don't be bitter.

Hello, Director, yeah. Could you give me
the number for the nearest Salvation

Army hospital for the homeless?

You'd better get a proper job soon,
because I'm not going to go through

twice. Oh, thanks, Ron. You're a man
among men.

Yeah, well, now that you've got some
money for once, you can buy me a bevy.

No, can't tonight. Previous engagement.

You heard of the Wilsdon Wildians?

Of course. They're Cricklewood's answer
to the Royal Shakespeare Company.

Not a very good answer, mate.

Well, Yvonne's going to audition for a
part in their next production.

Really? What brought this on?

Well, we hired a video of that Madonna
movie and Yvonne said, I'm a better

actress than Madonna.

Well, so am I.

Are you going along to lend moral
support?

Yeah. Yeah, sort of.

You don't want to be in it.

Do you?

Surely not.

All that poncing about and shouting.

Well, you know, it might be a natural.

Yeah, only if they're doing Billy Lyre.

You can't go.

You can't go now.

You can't leave me like this.

I've got no money, no future.

I'm five months pregnant.

What do you want me to do?

To cry? To beg? To scream?

To kill myself?

She's very good, isn't she?

The next time she tells me she's got a
headache, I'm not going to believe her.

Can you hear gas escaping?

This time I won't fail.

This time it won't just be an overdose.

A cry for help.

This time it's the razor just in.

You want to be a great film director?

You want to have the final cut?

Well, here it is.

Was there any good?

Good? It was magnificent.

You brought my play to life.

Or death.

Perfect. Wonderful.

Yvonne, the part is yours.

I wouldn't usually offer a leading role
to a novice, but in your case... That's

great! Isn't that great, Gary?

Yeah, terrific.

Hey, I really liked all that thrashing
about.

Could do with a bit more of that when
we're... Well?

It looks like we've got ourselves a
cast, mes enfants, so if we could all...

Sorry, Gregory, what about Justin?

I'm sorry?

Yvonne's boyfriend, Justin.

I was thinking maybe I could try out for
Justin.

But Justin's already cast, love.

That's right, dear, the part was written
for me.

What? Gregory always says no -one
handles his leading parts like me.

Oh, look, Greg.

At least let me have a bash.

Look, I don't like to blow my own
trumpet.

Oh. But I did go to drama school.

I've been a member of the BBC radio
repertory company and I was in several

episodes of Trainer.

What have you ever been in besides the
unemployment statistics?

Look, I think Gary's just being
protective of me. He is my husband.

It's all right, Gary. I can look after
myself.

Just disappointed, that's all. I was
rather hoping to be in this.

And you...

Can be, Gary, love.

You would be perfect for the part of
police Constable Barr, wouldn't he,

everybody? And you've got one of the
most important moments in the whole

Really? Yes. On your action, the entire
tragedy pivots.

Yeah? What do I do?

It's all on page 57.

Justin is beating up Priscilla, and a
neighbour has called the police, who

arrive in the person of PC Barr. But
when you realise what's going on, you

say... Well, here's a script.

Say it.

I'm sorry, but the Metropolitan Police
have a policy not to interfere with

domestic squabbles exits.

Oh, domestic squabbles exits.

Perfect. I was moved.

So why is that pivotal?

Well, thanks to PC Bard's callous
indifference to Priscilla's plight.

The tragedy proceeds to its sad,
inevitable end.

Ah, yeah, yeah, I can see that.

Well, I don't think I can hack it. Well,
of course.

You've got the height, you've got the
presence, and you've only got one

Is that all?

Well, you don't want too much to learn,
seeing you've volunteered to do men's

wardrobe as well.

Men's wardrobe?

I didn't volunteer to do men's wardrobe.
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to mention it.

The thing is, the place set in the early
50s.

And since you know all the risks and all
about the war... Well, that was the

40s. The 50s and the 40s had completely
different styles.

Told you he's an expert, Gregory.

Excellent, Gary, thank you. Your help
will be invaluable.

Now, Yvonne, are you prepared to delve
into the inner recesses of your psyche?

If that's what it takes. It takes more.

It takes energy, teamwork, courage.

I'm up for that.

And you have to take your top off in Act
2, Scene 1.

Hold it, hold it.

I'm up for that.

I'm not.

always says nudist is alright as long as
it's artistic, don't you, Gary?

Yeah, in the movies.

If it's Julia Roberts or Kim Basinger.

Well, of course, the lighting will be
very discreet.

Yvonne, I think we should talk.

Look, Yvonne has a very demanding job.
I'm not sure she could cope with a

leading role.

Shut up, Gary. Thank you, Yvonne.

Look, let's limber up with the scene in
question.

then Gary can set his mind at rest as to
just how tasteful the lovemaking scene

actually is.

Look. Look, you can see.

A second ago, she only had her kit off.

Right, hold it. Hold it, hold it. I'm
hot, all right?

Sorry, I thought it was... Gary, dear,
do calm down.

It's only acting.

From the top, then.

Lance, enter stage left.

Yvonne, we'll move downstage. From
upstage, center. Okay.

Hello? Anyone in?

Coming.

Justin! What on earth?

But what are you... I work here.

In this pathetic little hotel?

Well, I have to go somewhere.

And you abandoned me.

I told you I'd return.

I know.

But how could I believe you?

Well, believe this.

Right, hold it.

Right, right.

Come on, come on, break it up.

You said this was a dry run. Gary, don't
interfere. I was just getting into it.

Oh, you can see that.

Look, um...

Can't you do, Annie, get your gun or
something?

How do I look?

Like a social deviant.

Thought so.

That lance was all over her.

The last tongue to boldly go that far
belonged to Mr Spock.

And everyone was lapping it up.

Maybe she was acting really against you,
Emily.

I've learned that. Gregory, man's a
pervert.

If they did The Sound of Music, he'd
have the entire cast gyrating topless

tassels on their nipples.

Well, where else?

How much for the suit?

Oh, give us a tenner. Looks a bit muffy.

Well, I'll do for Lance.

I suppose he'll keep it on for more than
five minutes.

Here, Ron.

I'll take these two as well. They're
1940s.

You got any shirts?

Size 15.

Gary, over here.

I'll be a sec.

You've got some good old notes here.

Oh, yeah.

How much is this pound note?

£30.

At this rate, the cost of living in 1941
is going to overtake the cost of living

today. You'd be better off getting hold
of the banknotes in 1941 and selling

them here.

Dr. Hughes' nephew.

Ron, you are a genius.

of amateur dramatics.

Why am I a genius?

Because you've just hit on how I can
make a living.

What's the most expensive 78 you've got?

Got a first pressing of See You Later
Alligator by Bill Haley. I couldn't

less than 100 for it.

So, what about wartime recordings?

Are they real?

You're joking.

78s are fragile enough when there
weren't bombs dropping on them.

And what would a wartime white thing
buy, say, Frank Sinatra fetch?

Who knows? Have to put it into auction.

Could go to a couple of thousand.

Bloody hell.

Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be in
Wartorn, London.

All right, Raj?

All right.

How about all right?

A lot of things I could say about the
situation at present, and all right

any of them.

Sounds like somebody got out the wrong
side of bed this morning.

I didn't do with bed, young Gary.

Not that my bed has a right side, since
Mrs. Dedman started making me sleep in

the scullery.

Hitler's pandas are hundreds of miles
inside Russia.

Once he's knocked Stalin out of the
picture, I have all Russia's oil and

What'll he do then?

Make the world's biggest victory
pancake?

That ain't very fun.

Well, that's not bad for off the cuff,
you know. Keep smiling through, just

you used to do.

Hello. Oh,

I'm really pleased to see you.

I'm so fed up.

At least when you started coming round,
you used to make me pictures, dancing,

dinner up the Savoy. Where do we go now,
eh?

Thought we might do a bit of shopping.

Oh, very romantic.

Just you and me in an endless queue.

Not everything's rationed, Phoebe.

Could have film, eh?

My life begins So open up your heart and
let

This fool rush in Well, I'm not quite
nervous.

He's so skinny, though. You've seen his
photo. He looks like he never eats.

Yeah.

Don't worry.

He'll fill out.

Do you wish to buy the records, sir?
Well, I'd like two copies, please.

One for my girl and one for me, in case
we're ever apart.

Oh, I'm afraid we've only got the one
copy left. These American recordings are

so popular.

I can order one if you like.

Would you?

Here they are.

Very sweet of you, Gary, but I haven't
got grandma's phone.

Oh. Well.

Maybe I'll buy you one, eh?

Oh, don't be silly. They cost a fortune.

Can I keep it anyway, to remind me of
you?

Of course.

I'm not going anywhere, though.

You always say that. It's never true.

Will there be anything else, though? Uh,
yeah.

I'd like to buy a few more.

Oh, certainly so.

I'll just get them from the stockroom.

Do you really mean it about farming one?

Yes, of course.

Twelve guineas.

You don't have to save up.

Well, not necessarily.

Well, you don't think I should go in for
that, do you?

Oh, you'd walk away with it. You could
sing one of your songs, you'd bring the

ass down.

Oh, come on, it's tonight, look.

Well, I suppose I might be in with a
chance.

No, no, sorry. Wouldn't be compatible
with my secret work.

Excuse me, sir. I have your recording.

Oh, right.

Why would it be incompatible with your
secret work?

Well, I go in for it, right, and I win
it, and I get really famous, and then

topping the bill at the London
Palladium.

Which is hardly conducive to a full
-time undercover job with military

intelligence, is it?

Thanks. Might as well call myself Gary
Sparrow, the singing spy.

You're a cracker, do you know that?

No, look, I promise you, they're in mint
condition.

And the sleeves are... OK, I'll hold on.

They look like they were only bought
yesterday.

That's me, actually.

Oh, come on. Where did you find them?

An old aunt died. She was a bit of a
hoarder. We found those in her attic.

Any more, are there?

Well, it could be.

It's a big attic.

What's your friend's name? Just
checking. Hello.

Right. Yes, OK, I'll tell him.

£700 for the three?

That's with me taking a small finder's
fee.

But I found them.

Take her off stage.

All right, yeah, deal.

Who's she meant to check out to?

Gary's... No, better pay Ron Wheatcroft.

I think she also had a 1940s press sing
of Frank Sinatra singing Fool's Rush In

with the Tommy Dorsey band in the loft.

I mean, the records in the loft, not the
Tommy Dorsey band.

That'd be worth a fortune.

Ah, well, that's nice to know.

Come on. I'm in the bedroom.

How do I look?

Poo -poo -pee -doo.

It's true. Don't do that.

I thought you liked Marilyn Monroe.

I do, but she's dead.

Finding her sitting in your suburban
bedroom's a bit unnerving.

Why are you dressed like that, anyway?

Well, we're all trying our play costumes
on tonight.

It feels really strange. I suppose it's
wearing stockings instead of tights.

What?

You've got to get into the style of
dressing if you want to move right on

What? You're wearing stockings on stage
with lance and suspenders?

Well, stockings aren't much good without
suspenders, Gary. They keep falling

down.

It's really strange because men find
stockings and suspenders really sexy,

they? Yet women just find them a pain.

You know, when tights first came in, my
mum said they were a godsend.

Well... I'd better get them off. Yep, I
was going to suggest that.

Gary, you're very up tonight.

Oh, is that a premise?

Well, of course I'm up. I got my first
salary check from Rome. Oh, great, let's

see it.

You mean my paycheck?

Yes.

Ta -da.

You became more than that when you were
blue -collar.

Well, thanks a lot.

I'm on commission. It takes time to come
through.

It's a tough world out there, Yvonne.

It's all right for you, sitting in your
air -conditioned personnel department,

reducing employees to little bits of
cardboard in a filing cabinet.

You know, promote them, move them, sack
them. They're not real to you.

That's not true.

It was hell when I got that push. You
had no idea what I went through.

Of course I got an idea. You didn't stop
whinging for a month.

You've no idea what it's like working as
a print rep.

The rudeness, the broken promises, the
sheer inefficiency.

Don't you behave. No wonder you aren't
making much money.

Then there's the disgusting smell of the
ink, the deafening clatter of the

presses. Gary, what do you want me to
say?

I want you to say, my poor hero, I had
no idea you were so brave. Let's take

our clothes off and work up a sweat.

I can't. We've got to be at rehearsals
in an hour.

I see.

So rehearsing that stupid play is more
important than celebrating your

Oh, Gary, we can celebrate afterwards.

You won't want to, then.

You'll have had that lance caressing
your tonsils with that roll of lino he

calls a tongue.

I can't believe you're really jealous.

Gee, of course I'm not.

Anyway, I wasn't kissing him back.

You didn't have much choice, did you?

My mouth's had a less thorough
examination from a dentist.

Anyway, I can't be bothered to go to
rehearsals. I've only got the one line.

It's a stupid one, isn't it? Oh, Gary,
please, for me. You heard what Gregory

said. It's the pivotal moment. Without
you, we can't rehearse it.

Oh, please, darling.

Keep the stockings on when we get back.

I'm sorry, but the Metropolitan Police
have a policy of not interfering in

domestic squabbles exits.

What does he look like?

The play's set in the 50s. Actors were
debonair.

I never saw James Macon with nine inches
of inner tube stuffed down the inside

of his Oxford phone.

Anyway, I'm playing the policeman. I
should have the truncheon. You look

Gary,

what are you doing here? This is a main
cast rehearsal, dear. You've only got

one line.

Makes a bunch, Yvonne.

Well, I suppose you could make the
coffee, as you hear.

And then I do that joke.

My dog's got no nose.

How does he smell?

Horrible.

What do you think?

Well, who's going to say, how does he
smell?

Eh?

You haven't got a straight man, Reg.

When you say, my dog's got no nose, you
need a straight man to say, how does he

smell? Oh, that's the point.

I suppose you fancy... Me. Oh, do me a
favour.

Anyway, it's such a corny old joke, the
whole audience will probably yell out,

how does he smell?

That's a thought.

In fact, you'll probably find you've
invented a whole new sort of

Reg.

Community joking.

Probably get some sort of medal for it.
Next.

Name? Police Constable Reginald Horatio
Deadman.

Reg. No, no, I work as Biffo. You can't
help loving him. Blogs.

I see, Mr. Blogs. And what do you do?

Well, we haven't actually worked that
one out yet.

Right. Excuse me. Excuse me.

It's all right.

I asked this young lady to hold my place
while I donated blood.

Is that true?

Not exactly, no. It's more what you
might call a lie.

So, are you going to have a go after
all?

Well, yeah, I thought, you know, what's
the point of having a God -given musical

talent if no -one gets a chance to
appreciate it? Excuse me, do you have a

Yes, it's Gary Sparrow.

Gary Sparrow. What do you do, Mr
Sparrow? Bird impressions?

Actually, I'm a singer -songwriter.

What's one of those when it's at home?

Well, write songs and sing them.

Why didn't you say so?

My dog's got no nose.

Well, come on.

My dog's got no nose.

And you've got no idea, mate.

My wife's gone to Jamaica and West
Indies.

How does she smell?

Look, this is a good one.

What's Hitler going to do?

When he gets his hands on all of
Russia's oil and wheat.

Oh, no, Reg, don't do it. No?

He's going to make the world's biggest
pancake.

It's turned out nice again.

Hold on.

Oh, Mr. Woo, what shall I do?

I'm almost kind of like my tiny laundry
clothes.

How do you think it went? Oh, Reg.

Well, he said there were tomatoes in the
shops anyway.

Thank you, Biffo. You've got to admit,
he's got a nerve, long.

And now, all the way from Hollywood, it
says here, Barry...

Somebody loves you It's no good unless
he loves you

All the way

Happy to be near you When you need

someone to cheer you All the way

Deeper than the deep blue sea is,

that's how deep it goes if it's real.

When somebody is, it's no good unless
he's real.

And through all the in -between years
Come what

may Who knows where the road

may lead us Only a fool would say

But if you let

me love you

No need to push. Give him some air.

Fresh. That's for accident victims, not
autograph hunters.

Did you really write that song?

Oh, he said so, didn't he? He's written
loads of great songs. If it wasn't for

the water, he'd be a star.

Yeah, he will be. All right, now, that's
enough. That's enough. Clear off. Go

on, clear off.

Now, I've got to admit, when I saw you
turn up in that suit, I thought to

myself, ooh, another no -over.

What's wrong with the suit?

Well, you can't go on stage in a brown
worsted, especially one that looks about

50 years old.

You've got to have the proper evening
attire if you want to be taken

What do you mean?

Well, I mean... Well, now, what do you
want out of this business, Barry?

Actually, it's Gary.

Good idea changing your name. Never
liked Barry. Tell you one thing he wants

of this business, his prize for coming
first.

Do I look like a man who carries a
radiogram about on his person?

Well, just don't forget.

Oh, don't worry, love.

She's very sharp, your little woman.

Oh, she's not my little... Oh, I
understand.

No, you see, I don't only do...

talent competitions, that's just my
contribution to keeping up morale.

I'm an impresario, manager, agent,
booker and music publisher.

Then what do you do on your day off?

Ah, you stick to the music. I've got
someone else to do the jokes. You see,

putting together a little tour. Are you
interested?

Well, I don't know. I've got a day job.

Yes, very important. More work.

Oh, don't worry. We're not talking about
the London Palladium. Not just yet. No,

it's what I call a tour of the outer
suburbs.

Uh, Palmer's Green, Freeham Barnet,
Guildford, Dagenham and Climaxing at

Ponder's End.

Ponder's End?

What's London's answer to Las Vegas?

It's two shows a night. Sleep in your
own bed.

Five are in your hand, what do you say?

Is that good?

It's very good for a newcomer. Only the
great Gary Baldy and his performing

pigeons gets more, but then he's got
that millet to buy.

I'm sorry,

you saw how Mark Gary went down here
tonight. The women loved him.

You're not the first agent who's shown
interest.

No, that's right. He's had the Yanks
swarming all over him.

Judy Garland's interested in his musical
comedy. He's had supper with Clark

Gable and Greta Garbo. She's got a very
vivid imagination, actually.

All right, six quid a night, and I'll
get you a set of tails cost price. Now,

make up your mind.

What do you think?

Well, um, how did you feel when you were
out there in front of all them people?

Oh, terrified at first, but then I began
to feel really great. And when they all

started twapping, I thought, yeah, my
life can do with more of this. Seven

guineas a night and you've got a deal.

Right.

You should do a bit of comedy yourself.

All the way.

You're in a good mood?

Yeah, well, did pretty well tonight.

Oh, scored, did you?

Oh, better than that.

I won the tank.

I won a karaoke competition.

Who knows where the road may lead us?
Only a fool would say.

What do you think?

Well, I expect it sounded better with a
backing track.

So, how did your evening proceed?

No doubt the second I left the room,
Lance went from raunching rompers to

pouch and then spent the rest of the
night doing his snake charmer

Come off it, Gary. You know exactly how
the evening went.

Where did you get it, anyway?

Get what?

The suit for Lance.

Well, didn't it fit? It was his size.

Oh, it fitted.

Well, didn't he like the colour?

The colour wasn't the issue, Gary. It
was infested.

He was bitten half to death within
seconds of putting it on, as if you

know.

house of the zoo and steal a box of
voracious South American piranha fleas.

Get a nasty nip, did he?

He ripped the suit off in five seconds
flat and rushed off the stage,

manically. He returned ten minutes
later, covered head to foot in cold

resigned from the wilderness.

He said it was an appalling thing to
happen to a man who'd been in several

episodes of Trainer.

I see why. Probably only played the back
end of the race, though.

So tomorrow, Gregory wants to see you.

Oh, I... I'm out before the bacon. He
wants to audition you for the part of

Justin. And I think you stand a really
good chance.

Because I told him I wasn't prepared to
snog anyone else on stage but my

husband.

Really? So if you fancy a practice
tonight... Good night,

sweetheart.

Sleep will banish sorrow.

Good night, sweetheart.

Till we meet tomorrow.