All language subtitles for Are You Being Served S04E07 The Father Christmas Affair.DVDRip.HI.cc.en

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

( knock on door )

ENTER.

HERE WE ARE, SIR.

ONE CUP OF DECAFFEINATED COFFEE

WITH 2 LUMPS OF
DE-SUGARIZED SUGAR,

WITH A DASH OF
DE-FATINATED MILK.

IT AIN'T WORTH DRINKING,

BUT IF YOU POUR IT OVER
YOUR HEAD, IT'LL WAKE YOU UP.

WHERE ARE MY SLIMMING BISCUITS?

OH, BEG YOUR PARDON.

THEY'RE SO FEW IN CALORIES,
IT BLEW OFF THE TRAY.

- ( blows )
- THAT'S BEEN DE-FLUFFED.

I'LL DO WITHOUT THE BISCUIT.

PLEASE YOURSELF. OH, BY THE WAY,

- THE C.D.U.'s ARRIVED.
- THE C.D.U.?

"CHRISTMAS DISPLAY
UNIT." SHALL I BRING IT UP?

- OH, YES, YES.
- RIGHT.

I'D BETTER INFORM THE STAFF.

WHICH ONE DO YOU
THINK SUITS ME BEST,

THIS ONE... OR THIS ONE?

IF I WAS YOU, I'D STICK TO THAT.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK? ARE YOU FREE?

NOT AT THE MOMENT.

I'M FLUTING.

I'M FREE NOW.

GATHER THE STAFF TOGETHER.
THE C.D.U. HAS ARRIVED.

- C.D.U.?
- "THE CHRISTMAS
DISPLAY UNIT"!

OF COURSE. YES.

MISS BRAHMS, FORWARD, PLEASE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE?

SHE'S IN THERE,
FLOGGING HER TITFER.

IF YOU MEAN SHE'S
UNDERTAKING A MILLINERY SALE,

I'M SURE SHE CAN
SPARE US A MOMENT.

MRS. SLOCOMBE?

YOU CALLED?

MAY WE INQUIRE WHY
YOU'RE WEARING THAT HAT?

A CUSTOMER WANTED TO
SEE HOW IT LOOKED ON ME.

- WHERE IS THE CUSTOMER?
- SHE LEFT.

MR. RUMBOLD WOULD LIKE TO
SEE YOU... WITHOUT THE HAT.

MR. GRAINGER, ARE YOU FREE?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WOULD
YOU COME OVER HERE?

I'D RATHER THAT YOU
CAME OVER TO ME.

I WOULD RATHER THAT
YOU CAME OVER TO ME.

MR. GRAINGER, ALTHOUGH
YOU ARE THE SENIOR ASSISTANT,

I MUST INFORM YOU THAT I AM THE
ONE WHO IS IN CHARGE ON THE FLOOR.

AND I MUST INFORM YOU

THAT I'M THE ONE WHO HAS
HIS TIE CAUGHT IN THE TILL.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS RING UP "NO SALE."

TO DO THAT, I NEED
YOUR SIGNATURE,

SO WOULD YOU PLEASE
COME OVER HERE?

OH!

THE FLOOR SEEMS HALF
EMPTY. WHERE'S MR. LUCAS?

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT.

( sniffing )

COME HERE AT ONCE, MR. LUCAS.

I... I'M JUST COMING,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

JUST COMING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WAS JUST DEMONSTRATING THE
ELECTRIC TROUSER PRESS, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

- I WAS JUST
DISCONNECTING IT.
- I SEE.

YOUR TOASTED SANDWICH
IS READY, MR. LUCAS.

- EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
- IT'S MY BREAKFAST.

IF I DON'T HAVE BREAKFAST, I
FAINT IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMERS.

IT'S VERY BAD FOR
GRACE BROTHERS.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
BREAKFAST BEFORE LEAVING HOME?

I VERY NEARLY DID,

ONLY THE CENTRAL HEATING'S
BEEN CUT OFF IN THE BUILDINGS.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO
HAVE MY 2 BOILED EGGS,

WHEN I NOTICED MY
POOR CRIPPLED MOTHER

WAS LYING THERE BLUE WITH THE
COLD. "WHAT COULD I DO?" I THOUGHT.

SO I STUCK THE 2 BOILED
EGGS IN THE TEA COZY

AND STUCK IT ON HER HEAD
TO KEEP HER EARS WARM.

THEN I SUDDENLY REALIZED I
WAS GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK,

SO I GAVE HER A QUICK KISS ON HER
BLUE CHAPPED LIPS AND RAN FOR THE BUS.

THE LAST I SAW, SHE WAS SITTING
THERE CLUTCHING THE CANARY

TO STOP HER HANDS FROM FREEZING.

IF YOU CARE TO JOIN
US FOR CHRISTMAS,

YOU'RE VERY WELCOME,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

- GET RID OF IT.
- YES, SIR.

WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?

MR. GRACE GAVE HIM
SPECIAL PERMISSION

TO BE LATE AFTER THE WEEKEND.

( dings )

NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT THIS.

WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN, MR. HUMPHRIES?

WHERE NO OTHER MAN
HAS EVER BEEN BEFORE.

HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE
LADIES' POWDER ROOM?

MR. HUMPHRIES HAS BEEN AT
AN OUTWARD-BOUND SCHOOL.

YES. THEY ROWED US TO THIS ISLAND,
AND WE ALL HAD TO FEND FOR OURSELVES.

ALL THEY GAVE US
WAS A 2-MAN TENT.

I FOUGHT TILL 3:00
IN THE MORNING...

AND THAT WAS JUST TO
GET THE STOVE ALIGHT.

WERE THEY ALL MEN?

IT'S HARD TO TELL
LIKE THIS, ISN'T IT?

HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR A MOUSE
CRAWLING INTO THE TENT,

I'D NEVER HAVE REALIZED
THAT FOR THE PAST 2 DAYS,

I'VE BEEN SHARING ME RAZOR
WITH A LADY TRAFFIC WARDEN.

TAKE IT OFF BEFORE
THE CUSTOMERS SEE YOU.

WITH PLEASURE. DO YOU KNOW,
COMING HERE ON THE TUBE,

AN ESKIMO TRIED TO
RUB NOSES WITH ME.

I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU'D
BE ONE OF THE LAST PEOPLE

TO GO ON ONE OF
THOSE EXPEDITIONS.

THE ADVERT SAID IT
WOULD MAKE A MAN OF YOU,

SO MY MOTHER THOUGHT
I'D BETTER GIVE IT A TRY.

♪ LOOK OUT, WORLD ♪

♪ I'M LOOKING FOR THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ EVERYBODY START... ♪

HERE IT IS, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THE C.D.U.

- C.D.U.?
- All: CHRISTMAS
DISPLAY UNIT.

GRACE BROTHERS IS PURCHASING
ONE FOR EACH DEPARTMENT.

Lucas: LOVELY THOUGHT.

I BET THERE'S A DIESEL-POWERED
REINDEER TO GO WITH IT.

AND NEXT CHRISTMAS, THEY'LL
HAVE US ALL REPLACED BY ROBOTS.

I CAN SEE IT NOW,

A REMOTE-CONTROLLED
GRAINGER WITH A BIONIC TRUSS.

A GAS-FILLED MRS. SLOCOMBE.

AND A SPECIAL
SWITCH FOR MR. LUCAS

TO SHUT HIS ATOMIC CAKE-HOLE.

MAY WE INQUIRE EXACTLY
WHAT ITS FUNCTION IS?

YES. WELL... THE
SPECIFICATION SAYS

THAT IT UTTERS A
CHRISTMAS PHRASE

IN A DEEP, AVUNCULAR VOICE

AND OPENS ITS ARMS IN A
FRIENDLY, WELCOMING FASHION.

OOH... THAT'LL BE NICE.

CAN I ASK A QUESTION?

YES, OF COURSE. I REALIZE
IT IS RATHER TECHNICAL

FOR THE AVERAGE MIND TO
GRASP, BUT I'LL DO MY BEST.

WHAT DOES AVUNCULAR MEAN?

OH, WELL, IT MEANS
LIKE A SORT OF...

LIKE AN UNCLE.

BUT HE LOOKS
NOTHING LIKE MY UNCLE.

LOOKS A BIT LIKE
MY AUNTIE ETHEL,

ONLY HER BEARD'S A BIT LONGER.

I WON'T ASK IF THERE
ARE ANY MORE QUESTIONS.

- CAN WE SEE IT WORK?
- YES. ALL WE NEED IS 50p.

OH, HERE. BE MY
GUEST, MR. RUMBOLD.

NO CALL FOR YOU TO
PROVIDE IT, MR. HARMAN.

THINK NOTHING OF IT.

I'VE GOT THE KEY
TO THE MONEY BOX.

Ho ho ho, little boy.

Have I got a surprise for you.

YOU SEE, THERE SHOULD
BE A BRAN-TUB IN FRONT

WHERE THE LITTLE HORRORS
PUT THEIR STICKY LITTLE MITTS,

AND THEY BRING OUT A MAGNICIFENT
PLASTIC PRESENT MADE IN HONG KONG.

WORTH ABOUT FOURPENCE.

HERE. I THOUGHT YOU
SAID IT OPENED ITS ARMS

IN A WARM AND FRIENDLY FASHION?

I THINK A LITTLE TECHNICAL
ADJUSTMENT IS REQUIRED,

IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME.

- SHALL I TRY AGAIN, SIR?
- YES, PLEASE.

Ho ho ho, little boy.

Have I got a surprise for you.

I WONDER WHAT THAT COSTS.

WHY? DO YOU WANT TO BUY ONE?

THE SLEEVES HAS GOT
STITCHED TO THE COAT.

I'LL SOON GET THAT FIXED.

HAVE I MISSED ANYTHING?

THERE ARE ONE OR
TWO TEETHING TROUBLES,

BUT I'M SURE YOU'LL SOON GET THE
GIST OF WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO DO.

SHOW HIM, MR. HARMAN. THERE
ARE GOING TO BE ONE OF THESE

IN EACH DEPARTMENT
FOR CHRISTMAS.

Ho ho ho, little boy.

Have I got a surprise for you.

Miss Brahms: WHATEVER'S THAT?

ONE SARDINE ON TOAST.

OH. WATCHING OUR
FIGURES, ARE WE?

WE DON'T GET PAID
UNTIL TOMORROW.

I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND

WHETHER TO HAVE IT
ON THE BONE OR OFF.

WHY NOT HAVE IT STUFFED?

STUFFED AS A MEMENTO
OF YOUR HARD TIMES.

- YOU DON'T WANT ALL
THOSE POTATOES, DO YOU?
- GET OFF!

WHAT DID YOU SELECT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

STEAMED COD.

- SHALL I TAKE YOUR TRAY?
- OH, THANK YOU.

RIGHT.

JUST THINK... 40 BRAVE MEN,

TOSSED IN THEIR FRAIL CRAFT

IN A 90-MILE-AN-HOUR GALE,

RAMMED BY GUNBOATS,

FROZEN FINGERS
PULLING AT THE NETS

ALL FOR THIS.

THAT'S SMOKED HADDOCK.

OH, BLAST.

I'D GET ON WITH IT IF I WERE
YOU. IT TASTES THE SAME.

IF YOU DON'T FANCY
THE TAIL, I'LL HAVE IT.

WHERE'S OLD GRAINGER?

WHEN LAST SEEN, HE WAS
ORDERING A MINUTE STEAK.

HIS TEETH WILL
NEVER STAND UP TO IT.

WELL, AT LEAST IT WON'T SPLASH.

WELL... I THINK HE'S... I
THINK HE'S RATHER WORRIED.

HE'S VOLUNTEERED TO DO A TURN IN A
CONCERT FOR THE OLD PEOPLE'S HOME.

DIDN'T HE DO THAT LAST YEAR?

HE DOES IT EVERY YEAR. HE DOES
AN IMPERSONATION OF CHURCHILL.

NEVER HAVE SO MANY WINSTONS
BEEN DONE SO OFTEN, FOR SO FEW.

THIS TIME THEY'VE ASKED HIM TO
DO SOMETHING MORE UP-TO-DATE.

- OH, YEAH? WHAT'S HE COME UP WITH?
- STAFFORD CRIPPS.

WOULD YOU PASS
THE WATER, PLEASE?

I'M ON A HEALTH DIET.

THANK YOU. ONE DOESN'T REALIZE

HOW SHORT OF THE
ESSENTIALS ONE IS

UNTIL ONE STARTS LOOKING
AT HEALTH MAGAZINES.

WHICH PARTICULAR PILL

IS GOING TO CURE WHICH
PARTICULAR DEFICIENCY?

I SHOULD START WITH THE
BIG ONES, IF I WERE YOU.

- FUNNY YOU SHOULD
SAY THAT.
- YEAH.

THAT'S KELP. VERY GOOD
FOR THE HAIR AND NAILS.

THIS IS VITAMIN A, B, C, AND D.

THAT REPLACES THE
VITAMINS IN BREAD,

BUTTER, CHEESE,
BEER, AND SUNSHINE.

I'D RATHER HAVE A
CHEESE SANDWICH

- AND A GLASS OF BEER
SITTING IN THE SUN.
- SO WOULD I...

BUT I'VE PAID SO MUCH FOR
THESE PILLS, I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

THIS IS A NEW ONE I'M TAKING
AT THE MOMENT... VITAMIN E.

ISN'T THAT SUPPOSED
TO MAKE YOU BE SEXY?

IS IT? HANG ON A MINUTE.

NOTHING YET.

WHAT ARE THOSE LITTLE ONES?

OH, THOSE. THOSE ARE TO STOP YOU
GETTING ALL GRAY AND WRINKLED AND OLD.

YOU'VE BEEN TAKING THOSE,
HAVEN'T YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

NO. I JUST LOOK AFTER MYSELF.

I'M SURE YOU DO.

AND MAY I SAY HOW
MUCH I ADMIRE YOU.

THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS.

HOW ELSE COULD YOU
LOOK LIKE THAT AT 65?

MR. LUCAS, IF YOU'RE
IMPOLITE TO MRS. SLOCOMBE,

YOU WILL NOT BE PERMITTED
TO SIT AT THE SENIORS' TABLE.

- Miss Brahms: DID YOU
GET YOUR MINUTE STEAK?
- NO!

THEY SAID IT WOULD
TAKE 10 MINUTES.

SO I SETTLED FOR
SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE.

AND SOME JUNKET.

MR. LUCAS, GET IN TOUCH WITH
THE DRY CLEANING DEPARTMENT.

TELL THEM TO STAY OPEN LATE.

I'M VERY FOND OF THIS, YOU KNOW.

YES. MRS. GRAINGER AND I
FIRST HAD IT IN SORRENTO.

DID YOU EVER FINISH IT?

DON'T BE FACETIOUS, MR. LUCAS.

I-I-IT'S A KNACK, YOU KNOW.

Lucas: RIGHT HAND DOWN A BIT.

Humphries: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

YOU LIE DOWN, AND WE'LL DROP
IT INTO THE LITTLE RED LAKE.

HERE! WERE YOU
THE LAST SPAGHETTI?

YES... WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?

I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T EATEN IT YET.

NO, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.
PULL UP A CHAIR AND WATCH.

NO. IT'S THE BOLOGNAISE.

WE JUST LOOKED AT THE DATE ON
THE TIN. IT EXPIRED SIX MONTHS AGO.

OH, DAMN.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'D MASTERED IT.

NEVER MIND. YOU'VE
STILL GOT THE JUNKET.

I WAS HOPING HE'D
FORGOTTEN THAT.

AM I TO UNDERSTAND

THAT YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR ALTERNATIVE MATERIAL

FOR YOUR OLD FOLKS' HOME?

YEAH, IT'S A PITY ABOUT
WINSTON CHURCHILL.

YES. ALL THE OLD
VALUES ARE CHANGING.

AND IF I MAY SAY SO,

I DO THINK THAT STAFFORD
CRIPPS IS A BIT OUT-OF-DATE.

YES, PERHAPS YOU
ARE RIGHT, STEPHEN.

I MIGHT TRY SIR
LESLIE HORE-BELISHA.

WHO WAS HE WHEN HE WAS AT HOME?

HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR
FLASHERS AT PEDESTRIAN CROSSINGS.

AND HE GOT KNIGHTED FOR THAT?

HE WAS KNIGHTED FOR
INVENTING THE BELISHA BEACON.

IT COULD BE YOUR
GREATEST TRIUMPH, SIR.

I CAN SEE IT NOW,
MR. GRAINGER STANDING THERE,

WITH HIS HEAD PAINTED RED,

FLASHING AWAY TO
A HUSHED AUDIENCE.

TROUBLE IS, MY MEMORY
IS NOT SO GOOD, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'D BE
ABLE TO LEARN THE NEW WORDS.

THAT'S EASILY
REMEDIED, MR. GRAINGER.

YOU COULD MIME TO SOMETHING.

YEAH, WHAT ABOUT
JULIE ANDREWS SINGING

"SUPER-CALI-FRAGILISTIC
EXPI-ALI-DOCIOUS"?

I THINK IT'S VERY UNKIND

THE WAY YOU GO
ON AT MR. GRAINGER.

WHAT HAVE YOU EVER
DONE FOR OLD PEOPLE?

I HELPED YOU WHEN YOUR
FITTING-ROOM DOOR GOT STUCK.

MR. LUCAS, YOU WILL
APOLOGIZE, AND THAT IS AN ORDER.

I'M VERY SORRY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I DO APOLOGIZE MOST
SINCERELY AND MOST DEEPLY.

ACCEPTED.

SHE REALLY IS A GOOD
OLD SPORT, YOU KNOW.

I THINK A MIME MIGHT VERY
WELL SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS.

YES. THE BLACK AND
WHITE MINSTRELS MIME.

THEY JUST OPEN AND
CLOSE THEIR MOUTHS.

YES, BUT THERE ARE 50 OF THEM,

AND THERE'S ONLY ONE OF ME.

YOU COULD DO AL JOLSON.

I'M SURPRISED YOU
REMEMBER HIM, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

LISTEN, THEY'LL HAVE THE
RECORD IN THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT.

ALL YOU'LL HAVE TO DO IS
OPEN AND CLOSE YOUR MOUTH

AT THE RIGHT MOMENT.

PITY HE CAN'T DO
THAT WITH THE JUNKET.

PERHAPS YOU COULD
GET MR. HUMPHRIES

TO TEACH YOU A FEW
ACTIONS TO GO WITH IT.

OH, WOULD YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?

YES. WITH PLEASURE,
I LOVE A CHALLENGE.

ALL WE'VE GOT TO DO IS
THINK OF THE RIGHT SONG.

WHAT ABOUT "THE
OLD FOLKS AT HOME"?

OH, "THE OLD FOLKS AT HOME"? MRS.
SLOCOMBE COULD TEACH YOU THAT.

THAT'S IT. I'M OFF.

- MR. LUCAS...!
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO
AND APOLOGIZE.

NOW, WHAT ABOUT "CLIMB
UPON MY KNEE, SONNY BOY"?

I DON'T THINK HIS
KNEES ARE UP TO IT.

I CAN REMEMBER SOME
OF THE WORDS OF "MAMMY."

WHICH ARE THE
WORDS YOU REMEMBER?

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ MAMMY! ♪

I'M NOT VERY CLEAR AFTER THAT.

WE'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

AH, SHE'S NOT CROSS.

SHE WAS AT THE COUNTER
ORDERING A BOWL OF JUNKET.

YOU'RE VERY LUCKY, MR. LUCAS,

THAT MRS. SLOCOMBE IS A
WOMAN OF GREAT SELF-CONTROL.

YEAH, SHE'S NOT A
BAD OLD TROUT REALLY.

HERE YOU ARE, MR. GRAINGER.
I BORROWED THIS RECORD,

AND WE CAN PLAY IT
THROUGH THE SOUND SYSTEM.

THIS IS REALLY VERY GOOD
OF YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

NOT AT ALL, AS SOON
AS EVERYBODY'S GONE,

WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE REHEARSAL.

JUST A MOMENT,
PLEASE. JUST A MOMENT.

MR. RUMBOLD WOULD LIKE TO
ADDRESS YOU BEFORE YOU ALL LEAVE.

WELL, I HOPE IT'S NOT
GOING TO TAKE LONG.

IF I'M NOT HOME ON
THE STROKE OF 7:00,

MY PUSSY STARTS
CLAWING UP MY BUSY LIZZIE.

NOW... AHEM... SORRY ABOUT THIS.

YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD THAT
OUR ELECTRIC FATHER CHRISTMASES

HAVE NOT BEEN AN
UNQUALIFIED SUCCESS.

THE VOICE IS ALL
RIGHT, BUT THE ARMS...

NEED SOME MODIFICATION.

YES. IT WAS A PITY ABOUT THE
SMALL BOY WITH THE BROKEN RIBS.

STILL, MR. GRACE DID MANAGE
TO PULL A FEW STRINGS

AND GET HIM PUT IN A
PRIVATE WARD WITH HIS FATHER,

WHO'S NO LONGER
ON THE DANGER LIST,

HAVING RECOVERED
FROM THE ELECTRIC SHOCK

SUSTAINED WHEN TRYING
TO RELEASE THE LITTLE LAD.

WHAT IT IS TO HAVE INFLUENCE.

YES. SO IT'S BEEN DECIDED
TO ABANDON THE PROJECT

AND INSTEAD SUBSTITUTE
A LIVE FATHER CHRISTMAS.

I'M ASKING FOR A VOLUNTEER.

NATURALLY, IT'S HOT WORK,
BUT THERE IS A BONUS...

£10 A WEEK.

- LESS TAX?
- LESS TAX.

ANYBODY FANCY WEARING A BEARD AND A
DRESSING GOWN FOR A WEEK FOR 3 QUID?

PERHAPS A SHOW OF HANDS?

WITH ALL THESE
YOUTH PILLS I'M TAKING,

IT WOULDN'T BE
GOOD FOR MY IMAGE.

CHILDREN DON'T SEEM TO LIKE ME.

WHEN I SMILE, THEY HIDE

THEIR FACES IN THEIR
MOTHER'S SKIRTS.

WELL, IF ANY OF YOU DO
DECIDE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND,

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO
SUBMIT A WRITTEN APPLICATION.

OTHERWISE, SOMEONE
WILL HAVE TO BE APPOINTED.

THAT'S ALL. GOOD
NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

RIGHT. COME ON. I PLUGGED IT IN.

NOW, MR. GRAINGER,
MR. LUCAS AND I

HAVE WORKED OUT ONE
OR TWO ACTIONS FOR YOU.

THAT'S VERY KIND OF
YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

NOT AT ALL, I JUST HOPE

YOU'LL BEAR IT IN
MIND WHEN I ASK

IF I CAN LEAVE EARLY ON
CHRISTMAS EVE TO DO MY SHOPPING.

WELL, NOTHING IS FOR NOTHING,

AS MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO SAY.

NOW YOU SIT DOWN
HERE, MR. GRAINGER,

AND WE'LL SHOW YOU
WHAT WE'VE GOT IN MIND.

- YOUR HAT, MR. LUCAS.
- THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

- YOUR CANE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- THANK YOU.

- ARE YOU FREE, MR. HUMPHRIES?
- I'M FREE, MR. LUCAS.

RIGHT. CONTACT!

( music playing )

( singing with recording
) ♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ THE SUN SHINES EAST ♪

♪ THE SUN SHINES WEST ♪

♪ BUT I KNOW JUST WHERE
THE SUN SHINES BEST ♪

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ MY HEARTSTRINGS
ARE TANGLED AROUND ♪

♪ ALABAMY ♪

♪ I'M A' COMIN' ♪

♪ SORRY THAT I MADE YOU WAIT ♪

♪ I'M A' COMIN' ♪

♪ I HOPE AND PRAY
I'M NOT TOO LATE ♪

♪ OH-HH, OH, MAMMY ♪

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ I'D WALK A MILLION MILES ♪

♪ FOR ONE OF YOUR SMILES ♪

♪ MY MAMMY. ♪

RIGHT. NOW...

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THAT, MR. GRAINGER?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

THERE WERE ONE OR TWO
BITS I DIDN'T QUITE GRASP.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

THERE'S YOUR STICK.
THERE'S YOUR HAT.

ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS GET
IN THE MIDDLE AND FOLLOW US.

NOW, BACK A BIT. THAT'S IT.

- THERE YOU ARE.
- LUCKY YOU WERE
A DANCER, ISN'T IT?

YES, YES, YES, YES.

I MEAN, LOTS OF PEOPLE
WOULD TAKE YEARS, YOU KNOW,

TO GET HOLD OF A
ROUTINE LIKE THIS.

( laughing ) YES.

ALL RIGHT, STAND BY. HERE WE GO.

( music playing )

- NOW WALK ROUND,
MR. GRAINGER.
- ROUND.

AND SWING.

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ THE SUN SHINES EAST ♪

♪ THE SUN SHINES WEST... ♪

HANG ON A MINUTE!
HANG ON. HANG ON.

( music stops )

I'M... I'M AFRAID I MADE
A FEW MISTAKES THERE.

YES, YOU DID.

BUT MY MOUTH WAS
MOVING WITH THE WORDS,

- WASN'T IT?
- OH, YES, YES.

YOUR LEGS WEREN'T
MOVING WITH YOUR BRAIN.

PERHAPS WE COULD
DO IT A BIT AT A TIME.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT. YES.

LET'S START BY DECIDING
WHICH IS YOUR LEFT LEG.

TELL YOU WHAT YOU
DO, MR. GRAINGER.

YOU COME OUT LIKE
THIS, AND YOU GO:

♪ MAMMY, MAMMY ♪

♪ THE SUN SHINES EAST... ♪
AND YOU GO OVER THERE.

THE SUN SHINES WEST,
AND YOU GO OVER THERE.

AND I KNOW WHERE
THE SUN SHINES BEST.

WHICH DIRECTION IS THAT?

WE'LL MEET THERE
WHEN WE COME TO IT.

PERHAPS WE COULD PLAY
THE MUSIC A LITTLE SLOWER?

I'LL HAVE A WORD WITH AL JOLSON.

IT'S ON THE RECORD!

WELL, YES, BUT YOU CAN...
YOU CAN CHANGE THE TIME.

YOU'RE NOT AS SILLY
AS YOU LOOK, ARE YOU?

ALL RIGHT. READY?

YES. NOW STEADY, MR. GRAINGER.

AND... GO!

( playing very fast )
♪ Mammy, Mammy ♪

♪ The sun shines east ♪

♪ The sun shines west... ♪

- MR. LUCAS, PLEASE!
- ( music stops )

HE'LL DO HISSELF A MISCHIEF.

I THINK I'VE GOT
THE HANG OF IT NOW.

WE'RE GOING TO
DO IT VERY SLOWLY,

SO IT'LL GIVE YOU PLENTY OF
TIME TO THINK WHAT COMES NEXT.

- YES, YES, YES.
- RIGHT!

NOW WALK ROUND.

( music playing very slowly )

IT'S BIONIC GRAINGER.

♪ Mammy ♪

♪ Mammy ♪

♪ The sun shines east... ♪

OVER HERE, WHERE IT WAS BEFORE.

♪ The sun shines west... ♪

WEST IS HERE, YES.
BY GEORGE, HE'S GOT IT.

YOU WAIT TILL HE GETS HIS
HEARTSTRINGS TANGLED AROUND ALABAMY.

THE WAY HE'S WALKING,
I THINK HE ALREADY HAS.

♪ Mammy ♪

♪ Mammy... ♪

ROUND, MR. GRAINGER. DON'T
SCREW YOURSELF IN THE GROUND.

- OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
- ♪ My heartstrings... ♪

- COME HERE, DOWN HERE.
- ( music plays normally )

♪ Alabamy... ♪

- ARE YOU READY? NOW WALK.
- READY?

♪ I'M A' COMIN' ♪

♪ SORRY THAT I MADE YOU WAIT ♪

- THIS WAY.
- ♪ I'M A' COMIN' ♪

♪ I HOPE AND PRAY
I'M NOT TOO LATE ♪

HERE!

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ MY LITTLE MAMMY ♪

♪ I'D WALK A MILLION MILES ♪

♪ FOR ONE OF YOUR SMILES ♪

♪ MY MAMMY. ♪

IT'S LIKE THIS, MR. GRACE.

TO BEGIN WITH, THERE
WERE NO APPLICATIONS AT ALL

FOR THE FATHER CHRISTMAS
POST, BUT SINCE I'VE TOLD MY STAFF

THAT YOU'RE OFFERING £50
CASH, THEY'VE ALL APPLIED.

YES, I THOUGHT THEY WOULD.

SOME PEOPLE WILL DO
ANYTHING FOR MONEY.

ARE YOU STILL DOWN
THERE, MISS BECKBOW?

YES, MR. GRACE.

WELL, YOU'D BETTER COME UP.

- BEEN THERE LONG ENOUGH.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT. I FOUND IT.

IT WAS IN THE WASTEPAPER BASKET.

ALL RIGHT, I FOUND IT.

IT WAS IN THE WASTEPAPER BASKET.

OH, GOOD.

WELL, NOW, WHO DO YOU FANCY?

( snickers )

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

AS FATHER CHRISTMAS, SIR.

WELL... LINE THEM ALL UP,

AND I'LL COME DOWN AND PICK
ONE BEFORE THE STORE OPENS.

AND IT IS DEFINITELY
£50 IN CASH?

ABSOLUTELY. CASH IN THE HAND.

THANK YOU, SIR.

RIGHT.

OHH!

( knock on door )

- WHO IS IT?
- CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

OH, WELL, COME IN.

I'M SORRY. I WANTED
TO SEE MR. RUMBOLD.

AH-HA. GOOD MORNING, SIR.

I... I CAME TO INQUIRE IF THE
MEMBERS OF THE EXECUTIVE STAFF

WERE PERMITTED TO APPLY FOR
THE POST OF FATHER CHRISTMAS.

- THEY ARE.
- I GATHERED THAT.

- ( knock on door )
- WHO IS IT?

MRS. SLOCOMBE, LADIES' WEAR.

WAIT A MINUTE. COME OVER
HERE AND STAND BY ME.

WE'LL GIVE HER A SURPRISE.

ENTER!

MRS. SLOCOMBE, WHAT ON
EARTH ARE YOU PLAYING AT?

I'M NOT PLAYING AT
NOTHING, MR. RUMBOLD.

( spitting )

BUT I WOULD ASK YOU TO REMEMBER

THAT PARLIAMENT HAS PASSED
THE SEXUAL RELATIONS ACT...

WHICH STATES THAT WOMEN
ARE JUST AS GOOD AT IT AS MEN.

AND WHAT'S MORE, THEY SHOULD
BE PAID THE SAME FOR DOING IT.

I'M RATHER CONFUSED

AS TO EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE
SUGGESTING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

THAT I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO
HAVE A GO AT FATHER CHRISTMAS.

FATHERS ARE, BY TRADITION, MEN.

WITH ALL THESE WHISKERS,
WHO'S TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?

PRESUMABLY THE MOTHERS.

I DEMAND MY RIGHTS
TO A FAIR TRIAL.

OH, VERY WELL. WE'LL LET
YOUNG MR. GRACE DECIDE.

THE THINGS I DO FOR 50 QUID.

COME ON THEN, STAND UP.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT YOU.

IT MAY TAKE LONGER
THAN YOU EXPECT.

WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU GET THAT?

IT WAS ALL THAT WAS LEFT OVER

FROM LAST YEAR'S
SNOW WHITE STAND.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'M MEANT
TO BE HAPPY, SNEEZY OR GRUMPY.

IF YOU ASK ME, YOU'RE DOPEY.

BEFORE YOU SPEAK,
I'VE BORROWED IT.

I BORROWED IT OFF
A FRIEND OF MINE

WHO'S IN A SOHO REVUE
CALLED "MERRY STRIPMAS."

YOU SHOULD SEE
WHAT THE GIRLS WEAR.

HAVE YOU SHRUNK, OR ARE
YOU STANDING IN A HOLE?

DOWN, FIDO.

NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING.

I HOPE NOT.

YOUNG MR. GRACE WILL
BE HERE IN A MOMENT.

WHERE'S MR. GRAINGER?

I PHONED LAST NIGHT, JUST
BEFORE HE WENT TO HIS CONCERT,

AND HIS WIFE SAID HE'D PUT BLACK
GREASEPAINT ALL OVER HIS FACE...

THE PARROT HAD SEEN HIM
AND HAD A HEART ATTACK.

SO I TOLD HER TO WISH HIM LUCK

AND GIVE THE PARROT
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION.

THERE WE ARE, MR. GRAINGER.

YOU'RE AMONGST FRIENDS.

HE SAID HE'S SORRY HE'S LATE,

BUT HE GOT ROPED IN AS
THIRD DUSTBIN IN A STEEL BAND.

I'M NOT... I'VE SAT UP ALL NIGHT

TRYING TO GET THIS
DAMN STUFF OFF MY FACE.

DIDN'T YOU USE THE
REMOVER I GAVE YOU?

YES, I DID. IT BROUGHT
ME OUT IN BIG BUMPS.

OH... YOU POOR OLD THING.

THEN I WENT TO AN
ALL-NIGHT CHEMIST'S.

COULDN'T HE HELP YOU?

NO. HE JUST RUSHED

FOR THE TELEPHONE,
CALLED FOR AN AMBULANCE,

AND SAID, "LASSA FEVER."

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, MR. GRACE
WILL BE DOWN IN A MOMENT.

GET THE REST OF YOUR
FATHER CHRISTMAS STUFF ON,

AND MAYBE WITH THE WHISKERS
AND A BEARD, HE WON'T NOTICE.

HOW DID THE SHOW GO?

OH, I WAS A RIOT.

YEAH. HE WENT TO THE WRONG HALL

AND DID TWO CHORUSES
FOR THE NATIONAL FRONT.

IT'S VERY LUCKY THE OLD
PEOPLE LAUGHED A LOT,

BECAUSE I HAD A TERRIBLE
ROW WITH MY WIFE BEFORE I LEFT.

I CAUGHT HER KISSING THE PARROT.

Mr. Rumbold: QUICK!
INTO LINE, EVERYBODY.

HERE COMES YOUNG MR. GRACE.

MORNING, EVERYBODY.

All: GOOD MORNING, MR. GRACE.

NOW, LET'S SEE.

NO, NO, NO, NEITHER OF YOU.

YOU'RE BOTH TOO SHIFTY-EYED.

I'M NOT PAYING HIM 50
QUID. HE'S ONLY HALF-SIZED.

I DON'T THINK I KNOW YOU, DO I?

( low-pitched voice )
HO HO HO, LITTLE BOY!

HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

GOOD MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
VERY GOOD LAST WEEK.

YOU SAW MY SALES FIGURES?

NO, NO. I SAW "MERRY STRIPMAS."

EXCUSE ME,
MR. GRACE. I FOUND ONE.

AH YES. I KNEW IT WOULD
BE A DIFFICULT CHOICE,

SO I SENT MY SECRETARY
OUT TO PICK UP

THE FIRST SMALL BOY
SHE CLAPPED HER EYES ON,

AND... AND HE CAN CHOOSE.

WOW! THAT'S WHAT I CALL
A REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS!

HO, HO, HO, LITTLE BOY!

HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

( theme music plays )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIAL, SOFT FURNISHING,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS... ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪