All language subtitles for Are You Being Served S04E01 No Sale.DVDRip.HI.cc.en

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

IT'S NEARLY 8:30. YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE FINISHED ON THE FLOOR BY NOW.

WE'RE NOT USED TO
COMING TO WORK THIS EARLY.

MY OLD MAN HAD A
FIT WITH HIS LEG UP.

HAD TO GET HIS OWN BREAKFAST.

IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S RIDICULOUS
OPENING THE SHOP AT THIS HOUR.

WHO WANTS TO GO SHOPPING AT
HALF PAST 8:00 IN THE MORNING?

ONE HAS TO EXPERIMENT. THAT'S
WHY WE BUILT THE CONCORDE.

HEAR THAT, ETHEL?

HE'LL HAVE US COMING TO
WORK ON THE CONCORDE NEXT.

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

GOOD MORNING, MR. RUMBOLD.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?

A CUP OF COFFEE AND
WHAT WAS DESCRIBED

AT FRED'S CAFE AS A BACON BUTTY.

BUT I THOUGHT MRS. PEACOCK
ALWAYS GOT YOUR BREAKFAST?

NOT AT 0600 HOURS.

WHEN I TRIED TO WAKE HER UP,

SHE TURNED OVER AND
MURMURED SOMETHING

WHICH SOUNDED REMARKABLY
LIKE, "GET KNOTTED."

STILL, I'M SURE THE EARLY
START WILL PAY DIVIDEND.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU? WE'VE
GOT A CUSTOMER ALREADY.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

DON'T BE DAFT. IT'S ME.

MY DAD GAVE US A LIFT IN ON
THE BACK OF HIS MOTORBIKE.

WE PICKED UP MRS.
SLOCOMBE ON THE WAY.

THAT'S RATHER DANGEROUS...
THREE OF YOU ON A MOTORCYCLE.

SHE WAS IN THE SIDECAR.

THAT IS THE LAST TIME.

WHEN YOU SAID
HE WAS A T.T. RIDER,

I THOUGHT YOU
MEANT HE DIDN'T DRINK.

I TOLD YOU TO FACE THE FRONT.

I COULDN'T BEAR TO
SEE WHERE I WAS GOING.

OH, IT'S GOING TO COST ME A
FORTUNE AT MADAM BERYL'S

TO GET THIS KNOT
BACK INTO SHAPE.

AT LEAST YOU'RE HERE
ON TIME, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

TIME FOR WHAT?

THERE WON'T BE ANY
CUSTOMERS, YOU KNOW.

AND WHAT IT'S DOING TO MY
DOMESTIC ARRANGEMENTS...

HAVING A BATH AT
6:00 IN THE MORNING,

PLAYED HAVOC WITH MY PUSSY.

HE SLEEPS IN THE
AIRING CUPBOARD,

AND THE GURGLING OF
THE TANK WOKE HIM UP.

AH, MR. GRAINGER,
RELIABLE AS EVER.

I'VE HAD A MOST
UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE.

MRS. GRAINGER HIT
ME OVER THE HEAD

WITH A BOTTLE OF BISMUTH.

DIDN'T YOUR WIFE WANT TO
COOK YOUR BREAKFAST EITHER?

NO, BUT APPARENTLY
WHEN I WOKE HER UP,

SHE WAS DREAMING SHE
WAS ON ERROL FLYNN'S YACHT.

WAS SHE HIS GIRLFRIEND?

NO, IT WAS MUCH MORE
COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

SHE WAS ERROL FLYNN.

I SHALL HAVE TO SORT IT
ALL OUT WHEN I GET HOME.

AH, WELL. ONLY MR. HUMPHRIES
AND MR. LUCAS TO COME.

MR. HUMPHRIES
MAY BE A LITTLE LATE.

HE WAS GOING AWAY FOR
THE WEEKEND, I BELIEVE.

I HOPE WE'LL ALL CONTINUE TO MAKE A
SPECIAL EFFORT TO GET HERE ON TIME,

BECAUSE I'M SURE
THAT THE SALES FIGURES

RESULTING FROM THE EARLY OPENING

WILL FULLY JUSTIFY MY
FAITH IN THE NEW SYSTEM.

ALL ABOARD.

AH, FUNNY BOY.

YOU'RE NOT JOINING UP, ARE YOU?

OF COURSE I'M NOT JOINING UP.

IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET FROM
NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

PEOPLE ARE VERY KIND TO
THE SERVICES, YOU KNOW.

YOU WERE LUCKY
TO GET AWAY WITH IT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE THE NAME OF
YOUR SHIP ON YOUR HEADBAND.

IF THE NAVAL POLICE
HAD SPOTTED THAT,

YOU'D HAVE GOT INTO TROUBLE.

I'D HAVE GOT INTO WORSE TROUBLE

IF THEY'D SEEN
WHAT WAS ON BEFORE.

- WHAT WAS THAT?
- "KISS ME QUICK."

Mrs. Slocombe: DIDN'T ANYONE
THINK THE UMBRELLA WAS PECULIAR?

OH, YES, BUT WHEN
THEY QUESTIONED IT,

I SAID IT WAS TO KEEP MY
HAIR DRY IN THE FAIR ISLES.

I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T
WEAR THE WHOLE UNIFORM.

I USED TO, BUT PEOPLE KEPT WANTING
TO TOUCH MY COLLAR FOR LUCK.

I BET YOU MET A LOT
OF NICE GIRLS THAT WAY.

I DID.

NOT TO MENTION A
ROVING REPORTER,

A TRENDY BISHOP,
A STRING-VESTITE

AND A DUSTMAN WITH A VERY
INTERESTING TALE TO TELL.

( bell rings )

PLACES, EVERYBODY.

OH, COME ON, ETHEL, TEA UP!

MRS. SLOCOMBE, UNCOVER
YOUR BUST, PLEASE.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

YOUR COUNTER BUST.
WE'RE OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

OH, YES, OF COURSE.

UM, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A TELLTALE,

BUT OUR MR. LUCAS IS NOT IN YET.

ISN'T THAT CORRECT,
MR. HUMPHRIES?

YES, THAT'S CORRECT.

I'M QUITE AWARE
OF THE SITUATION,

BUT YOU DID RIGHT TO
BRING IT TO MY ATTENTION.

I JUST HOPE HE
HAS A GOOD EXCUSE.

( razor buzzing )

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

YOU'RE NEVER GOING
TO BELIEVE THIS,

BUT MY POOR OLD CRIPPLED
MOTHER OVERSLEPT THIS MORNING

AND SHE FORGOT TO WAKE ME UP.

THEN I MISSED THE BUS.

SO SHE HAD TO GIVE ME A
LIFT IN HER INVALID CARRIAGE.

I KEPT TELLING HER TO PUT
HER FOOT DOWN... HER GOOD ONE.

THE POLICE STOPPED HER FOR
SPEEDING AND GAVE HER A BREATHALYZER.

UNFORTUNATELY, SHE ONLY HAD TIME
TO COOK MY BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.

ALL SHE HAD WAS A QUICK LIQUEUR
CHOCOLATE ON THE WAY OUT.

IT WAS STILL ON HER BREATH
WHEN SHE BLEW UP THE BAG.

BY THE TIME I'D BEEN TO BOW
STREET AND BAILED HER OUT,

I WAS VERY NEARLY LATE.

YOU ARE LATE, MR. LUCAS.

THAT'S BECAUSE I MET YOUNG
MR. GRACE ON THE GROUND FLOOR.

"GOOD MORNING,
MR. LUCAS," HE SAID,

"HOW CLEVER OF YOU
TO GET HERE ON TIME."

BY THE TIME I TOLD HIM
HOW I WAS VERY NEARLY LATE,

I WAS. GO ON, YOU CAN ASK HIM.

AT LEAST YOU COULD HAVE
SHAVED BEFORE YOU LEFT HOME.

I'VE BEEN SHAVING
ALL MORNING, SIR.

IT'S THE BATTERIES,
THEY'RE GETTING A BIT LOW.

MY MOTHER USES THEM DURING
THE WEEK IN HER DEAF AID.

- HOW DID IT SOUND?
- WONDERFUL.

MAKES DR. WHO'S ADVENTURES
SEEM QUITE NORMAL.

IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THE ONE
ABOUT YOU HELPING TO DELIVER A BABY

FOR A TITLED LADY ON A BICYCLE
THAT HAD TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS.

HERE WE ARE, 8:30
IN THE MORNING.

WHEN'S IT ALL GOING TO START?
WHEN'S THE RUSH GOING TO HAPPEN?

TO QUOTE MR. RUMBOLD,

THE CREATIVE PLATFORM
THAT THIS IDEA IS BUILT UPON

IS BASED ON THE PREMISE
THAT BY OPENING EARLIER,

WE SHALL CATCH CUSTOMERS
ON THE WAY TO WORK.

ALL WE'RE LIKELY TO SELL AT THIS
HOUR OF THE MORNING ARE MONKEY NUTS.

IF YOU ASK ME, PEOPLE
ON THEIR WAY TO WORK

WON'T HAVE TIME TO BUY ANYTHING.

GOOD MORNING, SIR. ARE
YOU BEING... OH, YOU ARE.

CHECK SUIT ON THE
DUMMY IN THE WINDOW,

£32, SIZE 38.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

THAT'S IT!

OH, THE CHECK, YES. THAT'S A NEW
LINE, AND VERY POPULAR INDEED.

IT'S PRESHRUNK WOOL
AND 50% MANMADE FIBER,

AND THEN YOU... UH,
YOU... MR. GRAINGER!

NOT WHEN I'M SELLING,
MR. HUMPHRIES, PLEASE.

YOU'VE SOLD,
MR. GRAINGER. HE'S GONE.

BUT I NEVER TOLD HIM

THE SLEEVES WOULD
RIDE UP WITH WEAR.

GLASS OF WATER FOR MR. GRAINGER.

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

- GLOVES.
- SIZE?

SEASONABLE WEATHER.

LARGE.

- COLOR?
- BLACK.

ONE LARGE BLACK.

HUH. FITS. HOW MUCH?

£5.

I SEE THAT YOU'RE
INTERESTED IN GLOVES, SIR.

THE GENTLEMAN IS INTERESTED
IN GLOVES, MR. LUCAS.

IT'S ALL OVER, MR. GRAINGER!

( telephone buzzes )

OHH, BLIMEY.

( high voice ) HELLO, MENSWEAR.

NO, THIS IS NOT MR. HUMPHRIES!

IT'S FOR YOU. IT'S A LADY.

THERE'S NO NEED TO
SOUND SO SURPRISED.

HELLO?

OH, HELLO, MOTHER.

YES, OF COURSE I'M ALL RIGHT.

SHE CAME TO STAY
WITH ME LAST NIGHT,

FOUND THAT I WASN'T IN BED.

YES, DEAR.

I PUT MY PAJAMAS ON THE BOLSTER

SO YOU'D THINK IT WAS ME
IN BED WHEN YOU ARRIVED.

HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WASN'T?

I DON'T SLEEP WITH
PADDINGTON BEAR ANYMORE.

HIS WELLINGTONS WERE SO COLD.

NO, NO, NO. I'D BEEN
HITCHHIKING DRESSED AS A SAILOR.

FOR A PARTY.

WAS IT FOR A PARTY
THE LAST TIME AS WELL?

OH, MOTHER, NOW, I AM OVER 21.

WELL OVER.

YES, OF COURSE I'M
STILL YOUR LITTLE BOY.

NO, I HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.

WELL, NOT MUCH.

I CAN'T HELP IT IF
I'M POPULAR, CAN I?

OOH, THAT REMINDS ME.

IF A MAN RINGS UP WITH
A SCOTTISH ACCENT,

YOU'RE THE CLEANER AND
YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF ME.

MM-HMM.

NO, I DON'T OWE HIM ANY MONEY.

I DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
THERE'S SOMEONE

COMING UP THE
GARDEN PATH IN A KILT?

LOCK THE DOOR AND
HIDE IN THE CUPBOARD.

I'LL PHONE YOU
BEFORE I LEAVE HERE.

WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T OPEN THE DOOR

UNLESS IT'S A YOUNG POLICEMAN
CARRYING A ROLLED UMBRELLA.

IF I CAN BORROW A HELMET FROM
THE TOY DEPARTMENT, THAT'LL BE ME.

TAKE THE PHONE INTO
THE CUPBOARD WITH YOU.

BYE.

IT'S ALL GO AT
YOUR PLACE, ISN'T IT?

YES, AND IT'S ONLY MONDAY.

THIS EARLY-MORNING
OPENING SEEMS TO BE WORKING.

THEY'VE TAKEN ALMOST
40 QUID OVER THERE,

AND THAT'S BEFORE
THEY'VE UNLOCKED THE TILL.

THAT WON'T HAPPEN
OVER HERE, MISS BRAHMS.

SHOPPING IS AN ART.

WOMEN LIKE TO TAKE THEIR
TIME TO ASSESS THE GOODS

AND MAKE A DECISION.

MEN JUST SEE SOMETHING THEY
WANT AND GRAB AHOLD OF IT.

- HADN'T YOU NOTICED?
- YES, I HAD.

IT HAPPENED TO ME
IN THE PUB LAST NIGHT.

- IT DIDN'T, DID IT?
- MMM.

THERE WAS THIS BLOKE
WITH THIS OPEN-NECK SHIRT

AND A HAIRY CHEST
WITH BIG MUSCLES.

THE PUB WAS JAM-PACKED,
AND I WAS WEARING...

JUST A MINUTE. HOW
OLD WAS THIS MAN?

OH, HE MUST HAVE
BEEN 40 IF HE WAS A DAY.

OH, QUITE YOUNG, REALLY. GO ON.

I WAS WEARING MY
SKINTIGHT JEANS,

THOSE ONES WITH THE
FALSE PATCH JUST THERE.

"BLIMEY," HE SAYS,
"THERE'S A STITCH GOING,"

GRABS HOLD AND WON'T LET GO.

OH, JUST IMAGINE. GO ON.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SHOUT AND
MAKE A FUSS OR ANYTHING.

NO, ONE DOESN'T, DOES
ONE? SO WHAT DID YOU DO?

I ORDERED A LARGE GIN
AND TONIC WITH A LOT OF ICE,

PUT IT ON HIS BILL,

AND POURED IT DOWN THE
FRONT OF HIS TROUSERS.

THAT GOT HIS HAND OFF.

DON'T SOME MEN TAKE
TERRIBLE LIBERTIES?

WHERE EXACTLY IS THIS PUB?

GOOD MORNING,
MADAM. CAN I HELP YOU?

HATS... LADIES'.

HURRY.

WHERE WOULD MADAM
LIKE TO BE DIRECTED FIRST,

TO THE HATS OR THE LADIES'?

NO, NO, LADIES' HATS.

WEDDING.

COUNTER, THERE.

GOOD MORNING, MADAM. NOT
A VERY NICE MORNING, IS IT?

GUEST AT A WEDDING.

10:30.

NEED A HAT.

OH, DO HURRY, PLEASE. I'M LATE.

MILLINERY... OCCASION,
MISS BRAHMS.

THIS WAY.

AH, THIS IS THE
LAST ONE OF THESE.

IT WAS A VERY EXCLUSIVE LINE.

OH, THAT DOES SUIT MADAM.

OH, THAT DOES SUIT MADAM.

OH, THAT DOES SUIT MADAM.

OH, THAT DOES SUIT MADAM.

OH, THAT DOES SUIT MADAM.

OOH.

OH, THAT DOES SUIT MADAM.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOUR
NEEDLE'S STUCK IN THE GROOVE.

I JUST CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.

HOW MUCH ARE THEY?

THEY'RE ALL £5.

I'LL TAKE THE LOT.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

THAT'S, UH, £20.

RIGHT. THANKS.

WELL! DID YOU EVER
SEE ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

WHAT WAS THAT?

THE 8.50 NIGHTIE.

IT WAS PROBABLY THE 10:30 BRIDE.

YES, VERY SATISFACTORY.

ARE YOU REFERRING TO
THE QUEEN PUDDING, SIR?

NO. NO.

NO. THE REMARKABLE JUMP IN
SALES FIGURES THIS MORNING.

IT'S VERY GRATIFYING WHEN ONE
PLAYS A HUNCH AND IT COMES OFF.

YES, SIR.

IT'S THE SORT OF THING
THAT MADE CHURCHILL GREAT.

THE RIGHT DECISION
TAKEN AT THE RIGHT TIME.

TURNING DEFEAT INTO VICTORY.

IT'S AN ABILITY I PUT TO VERY
GOOD USE IN THE WAR, IN THE ARMY.

THERE MUST BE TIMES WHEN YOU
MISS THE CATERING CORPS, SIR.

YES.

I MUST SAY, THE STAFF
DON'T LOOK TOO HAPPY.

I THINK WE'RE ALL JUST GETTING
OVER THE EARLY START, SIR.

STILL, THEY'LL SOON SETTLE DOWN.

HOW'S YOUR QUEEN PUDDING?

IT HASN'T QUITE
FULFILLED ITS PROMISE.

I DON'T KNOW...

IT PROMISED TO BE
AWFUL, AND IT'S DISGUSTING.

IT'S THIS CUSTARD...
IT LACKS DEFINITION.

IT'S MORE LIKE DISTEMPER.

WHAT IS CUSTARD?

REAL CUSTARD IS MADE
WITH NEW-LAID EGGS,

FRESH, CREAMY MILK,

AND REFINED CASTOR SUGAR.

THIS LOT'S MADE OF EDIBLE
STARCH, COLORING, FLAVORING,

AND MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

THE LIBRARY WAS
SHUT THE OTHER DAY,

SO I READ THE
PACKETS IN MY PANTRY.

IT'S NO GOOD. I'LL
JUST HAVE TO EAT IT.

IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG
TIME SINCE BREAKFAST.

I HOPE WE DON'T GO ON WITH
THIS EARLY-MORNING EXPERIMENT.

THE WAY I SEE IT,
THEY'RE BOUND TO.

HOW DO YOU ARRIVE
AT THAT HYPOTHESIS?

- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- I WON'T SAY THAT AGAIN.

MY TEETH ARE CAUGHT
UP WITH THIS CUSTARD.

IT STANDS TO REASON, DOESN'T IT?

LOOK AT THE SALES WE
MADE IN THE FIRST HALF-HOUR.

WE WERE 100 QUID
UP THIS MORNING.

WE WEREN'T FAR SHORT.

IF WE GO ON LIKE THIS AT THE END
OF THE DAY AND WE'RE UP THAT MUCH,

THIS EARLY-MORNING START
COULD BECOME A WAY OF LIFE.

IF IT DOES, I SHALL HAVE
TO CHANGE MY MILKMAN.

HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT OUT?

THIS MORNING WAS THE FIRST TIME

I'D MET HIM FACE TO FACE,

AND IT WAS A VERY
NASTY EXPERIENCE.

I THINK HE'D BEEN TO SEE ONE
OF THOSE FILMS, YOU KNOW...

"CONFESSIONS OF A MILKMAN."

IF HE HADN'T HAD HIS HANDS
FULL OF RASPBERRY YOGURT,

I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
HERE TO TELL THE TALE.

WHAT DID WE TAKE LAST MONDAY?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DID WE
TAKE LAST MONDAY, MR. GRAINGER?

OH, DON'T ASK ME.

MY MEMORY'S LIKE
A... LIKE A... LIKE A...

- LIKE A SIEVE.
- THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS.

ALL WE GOT TO DO IS FIND OUT

WHAT WE DID TAKE LAST
MONDAY AND THEN KEEP BELOW IT.

BUT OLD JUG EARS KEEPS
ALL THE FIGURES IN HIS OFFICE.

SOMEONE WILL
HAVE TO HAVE A PEEP.

HOW?

SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO
GET HIM OUT OF HIS OFFICE.

THEN WHILE HE'S OUT, ONE OF US
CAN NIP IN AND NIP THROUGH HIS FILES.

IT'S JUST THE SORT OF THING THAT
BULLDOG DRUMMOND WOULD HAVE DONE

WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO
OUTWIT OSCAR PETERSON.

YOU MEAN CARL PETERSON.
OSCAR PETERSON PLAYS THE PIANO.

HE DIDN'T PLAY THE PIANO WHEN
BULLDOG DRUMMOND WAS THERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M MAKING A DICE
OUT OF THIS SUGAR CUBE.

WE'LL THROW IT.

WHOEVER GETS THE SMALLEST
NUMBER DOES THE DEED.

OH, ISN'T IT EXCITING?

- MR. GRAINGER, YOU GO FIRST.
- WHAT IS THIS?

I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.

JUST PUT THE SUGAR
IN THE CUP AND SHAKE IT.

MRS. SLOCOMBE,
EVERYTHING'S FIXED.

NOW, LOOK. YOU PHONE UP
RUMBOLD AND GET HIM OUT HERE,

AND LEAVE THE REST TO ME.

OUT AND ROGER.

WOULD YOU CONNECT ME
WITH MR. RUMBOLD, PLEASE?

( phone rings )

RUMBOLD HERE.

( high squeaky voice )
YOU DON'T KNOW ME,

BUT I SPOTTED YOU AT THE
SQUASH CLUB LAST NIGHT.

OH, YES? WHAT IS THE
NATURE OF YOUR INQUIRY?

I WAS IN THE GALLERY, AND I
COULDN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU.

Rumbold: To whom am I speaking?

OH, YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE NOTICED LITTLE ME.

I'M ONLY 21 WITH
LONG BLONDE HAIR

AND A 40-INCH BUST.

BUT OUR EYES DID MEET
BRIEFLY FOR A SECOND

WHEN YOU LEAPT IN THE AIR

AND HIT THAT WINNING SHOT.

YOU HAVE TERRIBLY
EXCITING KNEES.

UH... HOLD ON.

HAVE I GOT THIS RIGHT?

YOU'RE 4O WITH A 21-INCH BUST...

NO, IT'S THE OTHER WAY ROUND!

WHAT'S THE OTHER WAY ROUND?

OH, NEVER MIND.

THE FACT IS THAT
I MADE INQUIRIES,

AND I FOUND OUT WHERE
YOUR PLACE OF WORK WAS,

AND I MUST SPEAK TO YOU

BECAUSE I'VE GOT THIS THING
ABOUT BALD-HEADED MEN.

Rumbold: But I'm
happily married.

I'VE GOT THIS THING ABOUT
HAPPILY MARRIED BALD-HEADED MEN.

YOU'RE NOT ALONE
IN THAT, YOU KNOW.

Slocombe: I'm coming
to see you in your office.

GOOD HEAVENS, ARE
YOU IN THE BUILDING?

YES, I'M IN THE RESTAURANT.

MORE TEA, DEAR?

HOLD ON, HOLD ON. YOU
CAN'T COME DOWN HERE.

Slocombe: I'll see you
in a minute, my sweet.

MEET ME AT THE LIFT.

Rumbold: Wait, but
how shall I know you?

I'LL JUST GO OVER MY
VITAL STATISTICS AGAIN.

I'M 21, WITH BLUE EYES,
LONG BLONDE HAIR,

A TINY WAIST, AND
A 40-INCH BUST.

MRS. SLOCOMBE.

( normal voice ) GOODBYE, ETHEL.

MRS. SLOCOMBE,

WE DO NOT MAKE PERSONAL
CALLS ON THE FIRM'S TIME,

NEITHER DO WE CONTRAVENE
THE TRADES DESCRIPTIONS ACT.

- HERE HE COMES.
- WELL, GO ON, THEN.

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, SIR?

OH, YES, YES, YES. I WAS JUST...

COUNTING THE CUSTOMERS.

AT THE MOMENT, WE HAVE ONE THERE

AND ONE OVER THERE.

GOOD, I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.

CARRY ON, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

CARRY ON, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I AM CARRYING ON, SIR.

THIS IS WHAT I DO.

WHAT, ALL DAY?

ALL DAY.

I'LL MAKE A NOTE
OF THAT AS WELL.

( telephone rings )

FIGURES...

I HEARD THE PHONE RINGING,
SO I CAME IN TO ANSWER IT

IN CASE IT WAS
URGENT, MR. RUMBOLD.

- WHY HAVEN'T YOU
ANSWERED IT?
- YES.

I SUDDENLY THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
PERHAPS IT'S A PRIVATE CALL,

AND MR. RUMBOLD WON'T WANT
ME TO ANSWER IT, I THOUGHT.

ANSWER IT NOW AND
ASK THEM IF THEY'RE 21,

WITH LONG, BLONDE
HAIR AND A 40-INCH BUST.

ARE YOU 21 WITH LONG,
BLONDE HAIR AND A 40-INCH BUST?

NO, NO, NO.

I'M... I'M 80,

WITH SHORT, WHITE
HAIR AND, UH...

HARDLY ANY BUST AT ALL.

- I'VE GOT IT.
- QUICK, BEFORE PEACOCK
GETS BACK FROM HIS BREAK.

- NOW, WHAT WAS IT?
- LAST MONDAY, 325.

AND WHAT HAVE WE TAKEN SO FAR?

I'M UP TO 170 ALREADY.

AND WE'RE 150, AND IT'S
ALREADY HALF PAST 2:00.

Lucas: ANY SUGGESTIONS?

COULDN'T WE CLOSE?

NO, BUT YOU'VE GIVEN ME AN
IDEA. WE COULD STOP SELLING.

STOP SELLING? HOW CAN YOU STOP
SELLING IF PEOPLE COME IN TO BUY?

IT'S QUITE EASY. PUT THEM OFF.

HOW?

WELL, THAT'S EASY.

INSTEAD OF PUSHING THINGS,
YOU DO THE OPPOSITE. COME ON.

GOOD AFTERNOON,
SIR. MAY I HELP YOU?

NO, YOUR ASSISTANT IS
ATTENDING TO MY WIFE.

SHE'S BUYING AN EVENING DRESS.

AN EVENING DRESS?
ABOUT WHAT PRICE RANGE?

£95.

95... EXCUSE ME. MISS BRAHMS!

- YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
- HOW'S THE SALE GOING?

OH, SHE LOOKS LOVELY IN IT.

IF YOU SELL IT, WE'RE DONE.

BUT SHE LIKES IT.

I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET.

DO COME OUT WHEN
YOU'RE READY, MADAM.

WELL, HENRY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT.

YOU'VE GOT TO WEAR IT.

I THINK MADAM LOOKS
QUITE ENCHANTING.

IT'S A DELIGHTFUL GARMENT.

I'M AFRAID MADAM'S
HUSBAND ISN'T QUITE SO SURE,

AND I'M INCLINED
TO AGREE WITH HIM.

I DIDN'T SAY I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU
MUST SPEAK YOUR MIND.

I THINK MADAM
CARRIES IT VERY WELL.

OH, THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT THE COLOR, SIR?

NOW YOU'VE MENTIONED
IT, IT IS A BIT BOLD.

I THINK MADAM CAN GET
AWAY WITH A BOLD COLOR.

SHE'LL CERTAINLY BE NOTICED.

MAY I INQUIRE WHAT
THE FUNCTION IS?

IT'S THE FIRM'S DANCE.

YOU'LL BE THE BELLE OF THE BALL.

AND IS SIR THE
MANAGING DIRECTOR?

NO, I'M MANAGER OF ACCOUNTS.

IF I MAY SAY SO,

ONE HAS TO BE CAREFUL
NOT TO OUTSHINE

ONE'S SUPERIORS'
WIVES AT THESE DOs.

ON THE OTHER HAND, A MAN
IS OFTEN JUDGED BY HIS WIFE.

IT DOESN'T PAY TO
BE TOO FLAMBOYANT

WHEN YOU'RE HANDLING
THE FIRM'S MONEY.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I
AM NOT SUGGESTING

THAT THE GENTLEMAN HAS
BEEN DIPPING IN THE TILL.

THEN HOW CAN HE
AFFORD A DRESS LIKE THAT?

I'VE BEEN VERY
CAREFUL ALL MY LIFE.

DON'T CALL PAYING £95

FOR A DRESS FOR ONE
OCCASION CAREFUL.

BUT IF MADAM IS HAPPY,
THEN NO PRICE IS TOO GREAT.

HE'S NOT DOING IT FOR HER.

HE'S PANDERING TO HIS OWN EGO...

SHOWING OFF IN
FRONT OF THE BOYS.

IT WAS YOUR IDEA, HENRY.

I'D SOONER HAVE HAD
A WASHING MACHINE.

THERE YOU ARE. THERE
YOU ARE, YOU SEE?

AND WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING ONE?

'CAUSE HE CAN'T SHOW
IT OFF AT A DANCE.

IF YOU WANT A WASHING MACHINE,
I'LL BUY YOU A WASHING MACHINE.

I DO WANT A WASHING MACHINE.

TAKE OFF THAT STUPID
DRESS, FOR A START.

YOU LOOK LIKE A GREAT
BIG STUFFED TURKEY.

OH! WHAT A HORRIBLE
THING TO SAY.

OH, WE'RE GETTING THE
TRUTH NOW, AREN'T WE?

YOU NEVER LOVED ME ANYWAY!

NO, HE DIDN'T!

TYPICAL, TYPICAL.

ONE WORD OUT OF PLACE,

AND SHE TURNS THE WATERWORKS ON!

YOU CAN GO TO THE DANCE ALONE!

OH, I SHALL GO TO THE
DANCE, BUT I SHAN'T GO ALONE!

OH!

OH, THE TRUTH'S
COMING OUT NOW, ISN'T IT?

IT'S THAT GIRL ON
THE COMPTOMETER!

IT ALL ADDS UP!

MADAM MUSTN'T
JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

SHE DOESN'T NEED A £95
DRESS TO SHOW HERSELF OFF!

I DON'T NEED A £95 DRESS EITHER!

- I HATE IT!
- OH MY GOD!

I HATE IT! AAH!

WE'LL HAVE TO
CHARGE YOU FOR THAT.

YOU'VE JUST RUINED A
PERFECTLY GOOD DRESS.

YOU'VE JUST RUINED A
PERFECTLY GOOD MARRIAGE.

JUST LIKE
"CROSSROADS," ISN'T IT?

OH, MR. GRACE. THIS IS
INDEED AN HONOR, SIR.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

OH, CHECKING THE TAKINGS, SIR.

THE NEW SCHEME WAS GOING
VERY WELL UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON,

THEN, FOR SOME INEXPLICABLE
REASON, THEY DROPPED OFF.

WHAT DROPPED OFF?

THE TAKINGS.

WE'RE STILL £20 SHORT
ON LAST MONDAY'S TOTAL.

YES, WELL, I CAN'T
GO BACK ON MY WORD.

IF THE FIGURES DON'T
IMPROVE, THE SCHEME'S OFF.

WE'VE STILL GOT A
LITTLE TIME TO GO, SIR.

YES, WELL, AT THE END OF THE
DAY, COME BACK HERE TO MY OFFICE

AND PUT THE FIGURES
HERE ON MY DESK.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, THIS
IS NOT YOUR OFFICE.

THIS IS MY OFFICE.
THIS IS MY DESK.

OH... THAT'S YOUR WIFE, THEN?

YES, SIR.

THANK GOD FOR THAT.

FIVE MINUTES TO GO.

I DON'T THINK I COULD LIVE
THROUGH ANOTHER DAY LIKE THIS.

I'VE LOST 8 POUNDS...
IN COMMISSION.

I THOUGHT IT WAS
A BIT CHEEKY, MIND,

THE WAY YOU TOLD THAT ARAB YOU
THOUGHT THEY WERE JEWISH UMBRELLAS.

MR. GRAINGER,
MR. HUMPHRIES, CUSTOMER.

BLIMEY. IF HE WANTS ANYTHING
MORE THAN A SHIRT STUD, SHOOT HIM.

LEAVE HIM TO ME.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

THANK YOU. I'D LIKE A RAINCOAT.

WE DON'T SELL MANY OF THOSE THESE
DAYS, SIR. WHAT DO YOU WANT IT FOR?

TO KEEP OUT THE RAIN.

WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY
THAT'LL KEEP OUT THE RAIN.

WE'VE GOT ONE OR TWO
THAT MIGHT STRAIN IT FOR YOU.

IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO KEEP OUT THE RAIN,

YOU OUGHT TO GO TO THE YACHTING
DEPARTMENT AND GET AN OILSKIN.

I DO USE AN UMBRELLA.

I'D LIKE THE RAINCOAT I
SAW IN THE WINDOW FOR £28.

AH, THAT RANGE HAS
BEEN MARKED UP TO 40.

OH.

OH, I SEE.

SORRY I CAN'T OBLIGE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. GOOD DAY.

WELL DONE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

LOOK OUT.

EXCUSE ME?

WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT ONE IN
THE WINDOW THAT'S MARKED 28?

- WHAT SIZE ARE YOU, SIR?
- 40.

THAT'S A 34, YOU SEE.
THAT'S WHY IT'S GOING CHEAP.

OH.

I SEE.

WELL DONE, MR. LUCAS.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

I SUPPOSE IF THEY'VE ALL GONE
UP, THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

- I'LL TAKE ONE FOR £40.
- RAINCOAT RAIL, MR. LUCAS.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. JUST
WRAP IT UP. I'LL TAKE IT.

NO, SIR, YOU MUST TRY IT ON.

IT'S MORE THAN MY JOB'S WORTH
TO LET YOU LEAVE THE DEPARTMENT

WITHOUT TRYING
IT ON. HERE WE ARE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THERE.

NOW, THEN.

OH, JUST LOOK AT THAT
TERRIBLE STITCHING.

HOW COULD THEY LET IT OUT
OF THE WORKROOM LIKE THAT?

YOU MAY WELL ASK, MR. LUCAS.

I HAVE TO ASK, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WE HAVE A SACRED TRUST
TOWARDS OUR CUSTOMERS.

LOOK AT THAT. UNEVEN SLEEVES.

I ALWAYS HAVE THIS TROUBLE.
MY ARMS ARE UNEVEN.

I'M USED TO IT, YOU KNOW.

ARE YOU?

LET'S CONSIDER THE COLOR, THEN.

YOU CAN'T WEAR THAT
COLOR WITH THAT COLOR HAIR.

OF COURSE, THE GENTLEMAN COULD
CHANGE THE COLOR OF HIS HAIR.

I AGREE WITH YOU,
BUT MY WIFE INSISTS

I WEAR CLOTHES THIS COLOR.

THE GENTLEMAN
COULD CHANGE HIS WIFE.

YEAH, I TRIED TO,
BUT SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT.

NO, IT'LL DO FINE.
GO ON, WRAP IT UP.

- DESPITE THE FACT
IT'S THE WRONG COLOR?
- AND IT ISN'T WATERPROOF?

YES, JUST WRAP IT
UP. AND I MUST SAY,

I'M REALLY MOST IMPRESSED
WITH YOUR HONESTY.

ONE WOULD THINK YOU DIDN'T
WANT TO SELL ME AN OVERCOAT.

THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU'VE GOT A FAT FACE,

PIGGY EYES... AND A
PIMPLE ON YOUR NOSE.

YOU YOUNG SALESMEN
JUST DON'T KNOW

HOW NOT TO SELL CLOTHES.

MR. GRAINGER, ARE YOU FREE?

YES, I'M FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

A CUSTOMER HAS JUST
COMPLAINED TO ME THAT YOU SAID

HE HAD A FAT FACE, PIGGY
EYES, AND A PIMPLE ON HIS NOSE.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

AM I THE SORT OF MAN WHO
WOULD TELL A CUSTOMER

HE HAD A FAT FACE, PIGGY
EYES, AND A PIMPLE ON HIS NOSE?

NO, OF COURSE NOT,
ERNEST. I'M SORRY.

THANK YOU.

( theme music plays )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIAL, SOFT FURNISHING,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪