All language subtitles for Are You Being Served S01E03 Camping In.DVDRip.HI.cc.en

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE
LENGTH OF THE FINGERS, SIR.

YOU'LL FIND THEY'LL
RIDE UP WITH WEAR.

AND I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND
THEY'LL GIVE EVERY SATISFACTION.

DON'T YOU AGREE, MR. HUMPHRIES?

YES, MR. GRAINGER. IT'S
VERY DIFFICULT TO DISTINGUISH

THAT PLASTIC
IMITATION LEATHERETTE

FROM THE REAL
IMITATION LEATHERETTE.

AND YOU'LL FIND THAT THE LINING

WILL KEEP THE HANDS
WONDERFULLY WARM.

- WON'T IT,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
- WARM AS TOAST.

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S
MADE OF REAL IMITATION,

SIMULATED NYLON
FUR FABRIC, YOU SEE?

THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS.

I WORE A PAIR OF THOSE
MYSELF LAST SEASON,

AND I HAD QUITE A LOT OF
SATISFACTION, DIDN'T I, MR. GRAINGER?

I BELIEVE YOU DID,
MR. HUMPHRIES.

DURING THE
FREEZE-UP LAST WINTER,

WHEN I COULDN'T FILL
MY HOT WATER BOTTLE,

I WORE A PAIR OF
THOSE ON MY FEET,

AND I GOT QUITE A LOT OF
SATISFACTION TOO, DIDN'T I?

WHAT YOU SAY HAS A DISTINCT
RING OF TRUTH ABOUT IT,

DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU'VE
ONLY BEEN WITH US TWO MONTHS.

THEY'RE FOR THE WIFE'S BROTHER.
I DON'T LIKE HIM VERY MUCH.

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU COULDN'T
HAVE MADE A BETTER CHOICE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, THAT
MAN'S BEEN HANGING AROUND

OUR UNDERWEAR COUNTER
FOR THE PAST 10 MINUTES.

OH, DEAR. DO YOU THINK
HE'S ONE OF THOSE?

- ONE OF WHAT?
- A BON VOYEUR.

THEY'RE THE PEOPLE WHO
LOOK, BUT DON'T TOUCH.

I'VE NEVER BEEN OUT
WITH ONE OF THOSE.

- ARE YOU BEING
SERVED, SIR?
- NO.

DO YOU HAVE A MALE
ASSISTANT ON THIS COUNTER?

NO, SIR. THIS IS
LADIES' UNDERWEAR.

- I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
HAVE A MAN TO HELP.
- NO, SIR.

THERE ISN'T MUCH DEMAND FOR THAT
SORT OF THING AT GRACE BROTHERS.

AH. WELL... I WANT
TO PURCHASE A BRA.

WHAT SIZE DO YOU TAKE?

THAT'LL DO, MISS BRAHMS.

NO, NO, IT'S FOR MY
FIANCEE. SHE'S A YOUNG GIRL.

CONGRATULATIONS.

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT
SIZE THE YOUNG LADY TAKES?

WELL...

MISS BRAHMS, GO AND
POLISH SOMETHING.

I MANAGED TO KNOCK THIS
OFF WHEN SHE WASN'T LOOKING.

OH, HOW CLEVER OF YOU.

SHE'S A HEALTHY GIRL, ISN'T SHE?

MISS BRAHMS, GET OUT THE 44s.

THE KILIMANJARO RANGE.

YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

MR. LUCAS?

DID YOU BECKON ME,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

BY STANDING UP
THERE NEAR THE LIFT,

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR TERRITORY.

YOUR PLACE IS AT THE
OTHER END OF THE COUNTER

TO ALLOW MR. GRAINGER
AND MR. HUMPHRIES

FIRST CHOICE OF THE CUSTOMERS.

THAT'S ALL WELL, BUT I HAVEN'T
HAD A CUSTOMER ALL DAY.

MR. GRAINGER?

SOMETHING WRONG,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

MR. LUCAS WAS BEMOANING THE FACT

THAT HE HADN'T HAD A CHANCE
OF SERVING A CUSTOMER ALL DAY.

I WASN'T COMPLAINING,
MR. GRAINGER.

MIND YOU, IF I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO EARN ANY COMMISSION,

I CAN PROBABLY LIVE ANOTHER TWO OR
THREE DAYS BEFORE I STARVE TO DEATH.

WELL, PERHAPS, WE HAVE BEEN

A LITTLE HARD ON HIM, YOU KNOW.

I'M SURE THAT MY COLLEAGUE AND I

COULD HOLD BACK A LITTLE.

MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?

YES, I'M FREE, MR. GRAINGER.

THE NEXT CUSTOMER
WILL BE MR. LUCAS'.

UNDERSTOOD, MR. GRAINGER.

- THANK YOU, MR. GRAINGER.
- THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

THANK YOU AGAIN,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

ISN'T IT TIME FOR YOUR
TEA BREAK, MR. LUCAS?

I'VE GIVEN IT UP.

IN THAT CASE, YOUR
CUSTOMER IS APPROACHING.

CARRY ON, MR. LUCAS.

JUST MY LUCK.

GOOD AFTERNOON,
SIR. CAN I HELP YOU?

( Scottish brogue )
AYE, WELL, I HOPE SO.

DO YOU HAVE ANY GOOD, STOUT,

LONG-LASTING,
HARD-WEARING TWEED?

YES, WELL, LET ME THINK.

DO WE HAVE ANY GOOD,
STOUT, LONG-LASTING,

HARD-WEARING TWEED?

SOMETHING IN THE
JACKET LINE, PERHAPS, SIR?

NO, SOMETHING IN THE TREWS LINE.

- TROOS?
- TREWS, MAN.

- BREEKS.
- HARRIS TWEED BRIEFS?

BREEKS! THAT'S
TROUSERS, MR. LUCAS.

YES, OF COURSE.
YES, YES, TROUSERS!

YES, TROUSERS.

- WHAT WAIST
ARE YOU, SIR?
- 36.

BUT 40 WOULD BE
MORE COMFORTABLE.

36, BUT 40... AND
YOUR INSIDE LEG?

MEASURE IT.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- MEASURE IT.

I'VE ALWAYS WORN THE KILT.
NEVER WORN BREEKS IN MY LIFE.

JUST A MINUTE.

CAN I BORROW YOUR TAPE MEASURE?

I'VE GOT TO TAKE THAT
GENTLEMAN'S INSIDE LEG.

I'D PREFER THAT YOU
BORROWED MR. HUMPHRIES'.

MR. HUMPHRIES, DO ME A FAVOR.
TAKE THAT MAN'S INSIDE LEG.

DON'T ASK ME. I'VE
GIVEN IT UP FOR LENT.

ANYWAY, HE'S YOUR CUSTOMER.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, THEN.
LEND ME YOUR TAPE MEASURE.

HERE, BUT DON'T
LOSE IT ANYWHERE.

HANG ON A MINUTE.

( breathes )

- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- I'M WARMING THE END
OF IT.

WHICH SIDE DO YOU
WEAR YOUR SPORRAN?

ON THE LEFT OR ON THE RIGHT?

GET ON WITH IT, MAN!

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
GOING WITH THAT THING?

I'M JUST MEASURING
YOUR INSIDE LEG.

AWAY, YOU IGNORANT SASSENACH!

IN SCOTLAND, WE ALWAYS MEASURE
THE INSIDE LEG FROM THE OUTSIDE!

- RIGHT, SIR.
- JUST ABOUT THERE.

I MAKE THAT 32,
INCLUDING THE SPORRAN.

DO YOU THINK IT SUITS ME?

OH, YES, IT DOES, MADAM,

THOSE ARTIFICIAL CHERRIES
ARE VERY YOUTH-MAKING.

- DON'T YOU THINK SO?
- OH, YES.

- TAKES YEARS OFF HER.
- THANK YOU, MISS BRAHMS.

AND THAT GREEN GOES SO
WELL WITH MADAM'S EYES.

- I'VE GOT BROWN EYES.
- THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

THE SORT OF BROWN THAT
GOES SO WELL WITH GREEN.

GIVES YOU A SORT
OF FILM STAR LOOK.

- MARLENE DIETRICH.
- BUT SHE'S IN HER 70s.

WELL, SHE WASN'T
WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT 40.

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD
WEAR THE BRIM UP OR DOWN?

DOWN.

HAVE YOU GOT ONE
CUT A BIT LOWER?

( gasps )

WOULD YOU MIND REMAINING
IN THE FITTING ROOM, MADAM?

WE SHARE OUR ACCOMMODATION
WITH GENTS' READYMADES,

AND THEY'VE GOT EYES LIKE HAWKS.

I CAN'T WAIT IN THERE HOURS
FOR YOU TO COME AND SERVE ME.

- ANY TROUBLE?
- I THOUGHT YOU'D BE OVER.

I'M JUST ASKING YOUR SALESGIRL

IF SHE'S GOT ONE
CUT A BIT LOWER.

HOW MUCH LOWER
DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

I'LL DEAL WITH IT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MISS BRAHMS, GET
OUT A 38C PLATFORM

- WITH HEAVY-DUTY STRAPS.
- YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WILL YOU TAKE THE HAT, MADAM?

NO.

NO, I THINK I'LL TRY ON A
PAIR OF SHOES INSTEAD.

I SEE.

- CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

WOULD YOU DIRECT MADAM
TO THE SHOE DEPARTMENT?

CERTAINLY. WILL
YOU COME THIS WAY?

I'M SORRY WE COULDN'T FIND
ANYTHING TO GO WITH YOUR FACE,

BUT NO DOUBT
YOU'LL TRY US AGAIN.

AWKWARD COW.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, THEY'VE COME OUT.

I BEG YOUR PARDON, MR. MASH.
WHAT HAVE COME OUT?

THE TRANSPORT... TRAINS,
BUSES, THE LOT. LOOK...

"THEY'RE OUT. TRAFFIC CHAOS."

- UP THE WORKERS!
- MR. RUMBOLD SAYS

THERE'LL BE A
MEETING IN HIS OFFICE

AT 5:30 TODAY RE: THE
TRANSPORT STRIKE.

JUST US HEADS OF DEPARTMENTS,
OR THE STAFF AS WELL?

EVERYBODY.

- DOES THAT INCLUDE ME?
- NO.

ISN'T IT MARVELOUS?
I'M NOT EVEN EVERYBODY.

I'M NOBODY!

TRUE.

WELL, YOU'VE ALL SEEN THE NEWS.

I'M AFRAID THE TRANSPORT
SITUATION IS VERY GRAVE,

BUT I'M PROUD TO SAY
THAT GRACE BROTHERS

IS GOING TO RISE
TO THE OCCASION.

ARE WE GOING TO MAN THE BUSES?

MRS. SLOCOMBE'LL MAKE
A MARVELOUS CLIPPIE.

SHE'S GOT PLENTY OF ROOM ON TOP.

DON'T ENCOURAGE
HIM, MISS BRAHMS.

NOW, WHICH OF US HAS CARS?

OH, DRAT IT. I LET THE
CHAUFFEUR HAVE MINE.

I HAD AN OLD BANGER
BEFORE THE WAR.

ONLY MRS. GRAINGER
MADE HIM GIVE HER UP.

MR. LUCAS...!

MINE'S OFF THE
ROAD, BEING PREPARED

FOR MY CONTINENTAL
TOURING HOLIDAY.

GOING TO THE ISLE
OF WIGHT AGAIN?

NOW, IS ANY OF US
WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE?

WELL, I COULD BE HOME BY
THE MORNING IF I SET OFF NOW.

IT'S AS I THOUGHT. WE ARE
IN A SENSE STRANDED HERE,

BUT, FORTUNATELY,
MR. GRACE HAS KINDLY

GIVEN HIS PERMISSION
FOR THE EMPLOYEES

TO SPEND THE NIGHT
INSIDE THE STORE.

- WHERE ARE WE
GOING TO SLEEP?
- ON THE FLOOR.

- I'M NOT SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR!
- ON THE DEPARTMENT FLOOR

ON WHATEVER BEDDING OR OTHER
DEVICES THAT WE CAN IMPROVISE.

CAN MISS BRAHMS AND I BAG THE
WATERBED ON THE FOURTH FLOOR?

ONLY IF YOU SLEEP INSIDE IT.

NO, WE'RE ALL STAYING
ON OUR OWN FLOORS.

- IT'S BEEN AGREED.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT PRIVACY?

WE CAN'T ALL JUST KIP DOWN
LIKE SODOM AND GOMORRAH!

OR SWAN AND EDGAR.

I THINK MRS. SLOCOMBE HAS
RAISED A VERY VALID POINT.

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOME
SEPARATION BETWEEN THE SEXES.

AND ALSO WITHIN THE SEXES.

PERHAPS THE LADIES COULD
SLEEP IN THE FITTING ROOM.

MISS BRAHMS AND I ARE NOT SLEEPING
IN THAT POKY HOLE WITH NO AIR.

YOU KIP DOWN WITH
THE REST OF US,

I'LL GET YOU A COUPLE
OF CHASTITY BELTS

OUT OF THE NOVELTY DEPARTMENT.

JUST BECAUSE IT'S AFTER 5:00,

DOESN'T GIVE YOU CARTE
BLANCHE TO BE COARSE, MR. LUCAS.

NOW, WHAT WE HAVE
TO DO IS TO IMPROVISE.

NOW, LET'S ALL THINK
VERY CAREFULLY.

- CAMPING.
- I BEG YOUR PARDON,
MR. RUMBOLD?

CAMPING! WERE YOU
NEVER IN THE SCOUTS?

NOT OFFICIALLY, NO.

TENTS! WE'LL HAVE TENTS!

IF WE'RE GOING
TO SLEEP IN TENTS,

I WANT ONE WITH A STOUT BOLT.

I FEEL SURE I CAN SPEAK
FOR ALL THE MEN HERE

WHEN I TELL YOU THAT WE WILL
NOT, AS YOU SEEM TO SUPPOSE,

BEHAVE LIKE MAD DOGS AS
SOON AS THE LIGHTS ARE OUT.

( softly ) HEAR, HEAR.

WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER,

AND IT IS UP TO US TO
MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN FIX UP.

CAMPING EQUIPMENT, PLEASE.

IT WON'T GO, YOU
SEE. I CAN'T GET IT IN.

- DO IT FROM INSIDE.
- YES.

GET INSIDE.

GET THE SPIGOT INTO THE SOCKET.

I'M SORRY!

I'M SORRY!

I CAN SEE THAT YOU
WERE NEVER IN THE ARMY.

I DON'T SEE WHY I COULDN'T
HAVE SPENT THE NIGHT

IN THE TOY DEPARTMENT
IN PETER PAN'S HOUSE

WITH WENDY AND THE CROCODILE.

ARE YOU REFERRING TO WENDY
FROM THE GRAMOPHONE DEPARTMENT?

DO YOU FANCY HER AS WELL?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ARE YOU FREE?

- YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- COULD I HAVE YOUR
ASSISTANCE FOR A MOMENT?

CERTAINLY.

THERE'S NO CURTAIN AT MY WINDOW.

I SHOULDN'T WORRY,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I MEAN, YOU'LL BE
SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR,

AND ONLY A VERY TALL
PERSON COULD SEE ANYTHING,

AND EVEN THEN HE'D
HAVE TO STAND ON TIPTOE.

THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING.

BUT APART FROM THAT,
ONE USUALLY FINDS

THAT CONDENSATION
STEAMS UP THE WINDOWS.

I CAN ASSURE YOU,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

THAT SLEEPING ON AN AIR
BED UNDER AN ARMY BLANKET,

I'M NOT LIKELY TO
GET UP MUCH STEAM.

OH, YES, YES, AND
THERE'S ANOTHER THING.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
DO THE ZIP UP FROM INSIDE?

WELL, PERHAPS THE BEST THING,

WOULD BE TO GET SOMEONE ELSE
TO ZIP YOU UP AFTER YOU'RE IN.

YES, BUT WHAT IF, FOR
SOME REASON OR OTHER,

I WANTED TO LEAVE IN
A HURRY IN THE NIGHT?

IF YOU THINK THAT SORT OF
EMERGENCY MIGHT OCCUR,

IT MIGHT BE WISER TO
LEAVE YOUR ZIP OPEN.

OH, IT ALL SEEMS VERY PRIMITIVE.

YES.

( banging )

PAJAMAS! LOVELY RIPE PAJAMAS!

GET YOUR PAJAMAS
OFF ME! HERE YOU ARE.

FRESH PAJAMAS. FRESH FROM
THE SALES DISCOUNT DEPARTMENT.

THERE YOU ARE, MISSUS.

ROOM FOR YOU AND A FRIEND.

WHAT AWFUL COMMON THINGS.

OH, WELL, I SUPPOSE THEY'RE
BETTER THAN NOTHING.

I THINK I'D PREFER
YOU IN NOTHING.

MISS BRAHMS, OUR
SLEEPWEAR HAS ARRIVED.

- WHAT SIZE ARE YOU?
- NOT FOR ME, THANKS.

I NEVER WEAR ANYTHING IN BED.

I DON'T LIKE ROUGH
THINGS NEXT TO MY SKIN.

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU AIN'T
GOT ME IN THERE WITH YOU.

YOU WILL WEAR PAJAMAS TONIGHT.

SUPPOSE THERE WAS A FIRE
AND YOU HAD NO CLOTHES ON?

I'D BE FIRST TO BE RESCUED.

- GET THEM ON.
- I CAN'T WEAR THESE!

THEY'RE MEN'S! THERE'S
A FLAP AT THE FRONT.

FIND A SAFETY PIN AND WEAR
THEM THE WRONG WAY ROUND.

- WHO'S IN HERE THEN?
- I AM, AND MIND WHERE
YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR HAND.

- WANT SOME 'JAMAS?
- NO, THANK YOU.

I'VE MADE MY OWN ARRANGEMENTS.

FROM A FRIEND IN THE
GENTLEMAN'S BOUTIQUE.

BLIMEY. ANNA MAY
WONG RIDES AGAIN, EH?

ARE YOU IN THERE,
MR. GRAINGER, SIR?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MR. GRAINGER?

I'M TRYING TO GET
MY TROUSERS OFF.

IT ISN'T EASY, YOU KNOW.

WOULD YOU LIKE A
PAIR OF BANANAS?

WHY, THANK YOU.

YES, I...

I THINK PERHAPS IT
WOULD BE MORE DIGNIFIED

IF I CHANGE IN THE
GENTLEMEN'S CLOAKROOM.

THE THINGS YOU SEE WHEN
YOU HAVEN'T GOT YOUR GUN.

MR. GRAINGER! YOU'VE
LEFT YOUR FLAP OPEN.

ON YOUR TENT!

I DON'T THINK THAT WAS
VERY FUNNY, MR. LUCAS.

HERE YOU ARE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

TOP QUALITY PASSION-KILLERS.

HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANYTHING
OTHER THAN STRIPES?

WHAT DO YOU WANT THEN... PIPS?

I THINK THAT HAVING
REGARD FOR MY POSITION,

I SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING
THAT MAKES ME LOOK

A LITTLE DIFFERENT
FROM THE REST.

WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE
THE TROUSERS OFF?

SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'LL SEE IF I CAN FIND
YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

BLIMEY, I'D BE QUICKER TO PINCH
ONE OF MRS. SLOCOMBE'S BRAS

AND SLING IT UP AS A HAMMOCK.

IT'S THE LAST PAIR, MR. LUCAS.

OH, TA. GREAT.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO WITH THESE?!

HOW DID THEY GET IN THERE?

- THEY MUST HAVE COME
FROM THE WINDOW DISPLAY.
- THE WINDOW DISPLAY?

HOW MANY ONE-LEGGED
MEN GO WINDOW-SHOPPING?

NO, IT'S THE BED
ADVERT, YOU SEE?

THE HE-DUMMY WAS GETTING
OUT OF ONE SIDE OF THE BED,

THE SHE-DUMMY WAS GETTING
OUT OF THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BED,

AND THEY USED ONE PAIR
OF PAJAMAS FOR TWO, SEE?

BUT I CAN'T WEAR
THESE IN MIXED COMPANY.

ALL YOU DO IS YOU PUT
BOTH LEGS DOWN THERE,

AND YOU... HOP INTO BED.

( screaming )

'ERE!

- WHAT'S YOUR GAME?
- I'M SORRY, MISS BRAHMS.

I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION
THIS IS WHERE I WAS TO BE SLEEPING.

NOT ON YOUR NELLY,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE
BIG TENT WITH MRS.SLOCOMBE.

THEN TAKE IT UP WITH HER.
AND YOU'D BETTER KNOCK!

BY THE WAY, YOUR PAJAMAS

SHOULD BE ON THE
OTHER WAY ROUND.

LOOK, YOU DO YOUR
THING YOUR WAY,

AND I'LL DO MY THING MY WAY.

AHEM... ( sputtering within )

MRS. SLOCOMBE?

( sputtering )

ARE YOU FREE, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

JUST A MINUTE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I CAN COME BACK LATER.

( sputtering )

OR NOT AT ALL.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'VE GOT THE STOPPER IN.
- WELL, I'M RELIEVED.

I WAS BLOWING UP MY AIR BED,

AND IT TAKES PUFF
AFTER PUFF AFTER PUFF.

CAN I HELP ANYBODY?

NO, THANK YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES. I'VE MANAGED.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, WHAT IS MISS
BRAHMS DOING IN THAT TENT?

KNOWING YOU, I'M SURPRISED
YOU HAVEN'T LOOKED.

HE HAS, AND I WAS
PUTTING ON ME PAJAMAS.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

THE POINT IS, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

THAT THIS LARGE TENT IS FOR
YOURSELF AND MISS BRAHMS.

THERE'S GOING TO BE NO ONE IN MY
BOUDOIR WHEN I BLOW OUT THE CANDLE.

I HAVE NO OTHER ACCOMMODATION.

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO BIVOUAC?

I DON'T CARE, WHACK IT.
IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

HERE. GO BACK. KEEP GOING.

WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT, MR. MASH?

THIS IS A BED, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
MR. RUMBOLD ORDERED IT, SIR.

HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL OF HIM.

NOT THERE, MR. MASH.

IT WOULDN'T GO THROUGH
YOUR OFFICE DOOR.

I CAN'T SLEEP OUT
HERE WITH THE STAFF!

( loudly ) YOU CAN'T SLEEP
OUT HERE WITH THE STAFF?!

OF COURSE I CAN SLEEP OUT
HERE WITH THE STAFF, MASH!

DON'T BE SILLY! HOW
DOES THIS WORK?

YOU PULL THIS DOWN, SEE, SIR?

UNDO THE BOLT LIKE THAT, SEE?

BRING IT DOWN.
OH, EXCUSE ME, SIR.

GET THE LITTLE LEGS
DOWN THERE, SEE?

PULL THIS RIGHT HERE.
LOOK, NICE LITTLE BED.

IT SHOULD BE SCREWED
TO THE BEDROOM WALL.

WHEN YOUR BIRD'S FATHER
KNOCKS ON THE DOOR,

YOU PRESS THE BUTTON AND SHE
GOES UP THE WALL INSTEAD OF HIM, SEE?

THAT'LL DO, MR. MASH.

INGENIOUS DEVICE, IS IT NOT?

- YES, MOST INGENIOUS.
- QUITE ROOMY.

YES, WELL, IT IS SOLD
AS A SMALL DOUBLE.

IT MIGHT HELP TO SOLVE A
SLIGHT PROBLEM WE HAVE.

- WHAT PROBLEM?
- MISS BRAHMS REFUSES
TO LEAVE MY TENT.

HAVE YOU TRIED PERSUADING HER?

YES. SHE WAS QUITE ADAMANT.

YOU WERE QUITE RIGHT
TO TELL ME, OF COURSE.

WHAT YOU DO AFTER
HOURS IN NORMAL TIMES

IS YOUR OWN AFFAIR,
BUT YOU CAN HARDLY

GO THROUGH WITH THIS UNDER
OUR VERY NOSES, SO TO SPEAK.

I THINK YOU MAY HAVE
WHAT MIGHT BE TERMED

- "THE WRONG END
OF THE STICK."
- HAVE I?

YES, SIR. I HAD ARRANGED
FOR MRS. SLOCOMBE

TO HAVE THAT LARGE TENT
BECAUSE I WAS QUITE SURE

THAT SHE WOULD
BE WILLING TO SHARE.

TO MY SURPRISE, SHE
WOULDN'T HEAR OF IT.

DO YOU SUPPOSE SHE HAS HEARD
ABOUT YOU AND MISS BRAHMS?

I WAS TRYING TO GET MISS BRAHMS

AND MRS. SLOCOMBE
TOGETHER IN THE SAME TENT.

WHAT, ALL THREE OF YOU?!

NO, SIR.

I DON'T WANT TO
SHARE WITH THE LADIES.

- AH, GOOD.
- I WANT TO SHARE
WITH YOU.

All: ♪ KEEP THE HOME
FIRES BURNING ♪

♪ THOUGH YOUR
HEARTS ARE YEARNING ♪

♪ THOUGH THE
LIGHTS ARE FAR AWAY ♪

♪ THEY DREAM OF HOME ♪

♪ THERE'S A SILVER LINING ♪

♪ THROUGH THE DARK
CLOUDS SHINING ♪

( solo ) ♪ TURN THE DARK
CLOUDS INSIDE OUT ♪

( solo ) ♪ TILL THE
BOYS COME HOME. ♪

THAT WAS WONDERFUL, MR. RUMBOLD.

DIDN'T YOU THINK SO,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

YES. IT BROUGHT BACK
MEMORIES OF THE ARMY,

THE LADS, THE HEAT, THE SUNSET,

AND THE ENDLESS SHIFTING SANDS.

HOW LONG WERE YOU
AT BOGNOR REGIS?

MR. LUCAS, WHEN
YOU WERE AT SCHOOL,

I WAS WITH SOME OF THE
TOUGHEST SOLDIERS IN THE WORLD,

CHASING ROMMEL
THROUGH THE DESERT.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE ALL THE LUCK.

Mr. Rumbold: YES, LUCAS.

SOME PEOPLE SEEM
TO FORGET THAT MEN

LIKE CAPTAIN PEACOCK AND MYSELF

WERE INSTRUMENTAL IN
MAKING THIS A COUNTRY

FIT FOR HEROES TO LIVE IN.

WHAT WERE YOU IN
THEN, MR. RUMBOLD?

- THE CATERING CORPS.
- THE NAAFI?!

NOT THE NAAFI, MR. LUCAS.

THE CATERING CORPS WAS A VERY
IMPORTANT PART OF THE SERVICE.

THE ARMY MARCHED ON
ITS STOMACH, REMEMBER.

I SUPPOSE THEY COULDN'T WALK
UPRIGHT FOR THE INDIGESTION.

UNFORTUNATELY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

THESE YOUNGSTERS SEEM TO
FORGET WHAT WE WENT THROUGH.

WERE YOU IN THE
NAAFI, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

NO. OF COURSE, I WAS
A MERE SLIP OF A GIRL,

BUT I WAS IN AIR
RAID PRECAUTIONS.

IN FACT, THAT'S HOW
I MET MY HUSBAND,

DURING AN AIR RAID. THE
BOMBS WERE RAINING DOWN.

AND I SAW HIS FACE
LIT BY AN INCENDIARY.

HE THREW ME ON MY FACE AND SAID,

"LOOK OUT, HERE
COMES A BIG ONE!"

I SUPPOSE THERE WASN'T MUCH TIME

FOR CHATTING IN THOSE DAYS.

AND WHEN IT HAD GONE OFF,

WE HEADED FOR THE
NEAREST SHELTER,

AND IT WAS THEN I KNEW THAT
IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

THE FIRST BOMB SITE YOU COME TO.

OOH, YOU HAVE GOT A NASTY MIND.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN
ALL THIS WAS HAPPENING?

WELL, I WAS IN ENSAH,
ENTERTAINING THE TROOPS.

WHAT DOES ENSAH STAND FOR?

"EVERY NIGHT SOMETHING
AWFUL HAPPENS."

YOU DID A GRAND
JOB, YOU ENSAH CHAPS.

OH, THANK YOU.

I USED TO DO
IMPERSONATIONS, YOU KNOW?

I CALLED MYSELF
"WHIMSICAL WILLIE."

I DID IMPERSONATIONS OF HITLER

AND GORING AND GOEBBELS

AND VON RIBBENTROP
AND "LORD HAW-HAW."

WHOSE SIDE WERE YOU ON?

WELL, I USED TO DO
MR. CHURCHILL AS WELL.

DO YOUR "LORD HAW-HAW" FOR US.

HE WAS THE ONE WHO USED TO
BROADCAST PROPAGANDA TO ENGLAND.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN. IT
WAS SO MANY YEARS AGO.

THE LAST TIME I DID IT WAS
IN A CONCERT IN TOBRUK.

( mimicking Lord Haw-Haw
) "GERMANY CALLING.

GERMANY CALLING.

YOU ENGLISH HAVE NO
CHANCE OF WINNING THE WAR.

THE GERMAN ARMY IS INVINCIBLE."

OH, LIFELIKE.

IT SENT SHIVERS UP YOUR SPINE.

AND THEN I USED TO DO
MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL.

( imitating Churchill ) "WE
WILL FIGHT ON THE BEACHES.

WE WILL FIGHT ON
THE LANDING GROUNDS.

WE WILL FIGHT IN THE
STREETS AND IN THE VILLAGES,

BUT WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER.

GIVE US THE TOOLS,

AND WE WILL FINISH THE JOB."

AND THEN I USED TO RAISE MY HAT.

I THINK YOU WERE VERY
BRAVE, MR. GRAINGER.

WITH AN ACT LIKE
THAT, HE HAD TO BE.

OF COURSE, I WASN'T AROUND
WHEN ALL THIS WAS GOING ON.

- WHERE WERE YOU, THEN?
- I WASN'T BORN.

BUT IT WAS THE WAR THAT BROUGHT
MY MOTHER AND FATHER TOGETHER.

WE'VE STILL GOT PICTURES OF HIM

WITH HIS BLACK FACE
RUNNING UP THE BEACH.

WHAT WAS HE, THE
FIRST ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT?

HE WAS A COMMANDO.

- THE TOUGHEST.
- ABSOLUTELY RUTHLESS.

MY MOM FOUND HIM
IN HER BICYCLE SHED.

HE WAS ON A TRAINING
EXERCISE IN IPSWICH.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" SHE SAYS.

"LOOKING FOR THE
JERRY," HE SAID.

SO SHE TOOK HIM INDOORS
AND SHOWED UP UPSTAIRS,

AND, WELL, THEY
JUST SORT OF CLICKED.

ISN'T THAT ROMANTIC?

YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY I
MISSED ALL THAT, REALLY.

STILL, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

EVEN IN SPITE OF MY PIERCED
EARDRUMS AND FLAT FEET,

WHATEVER HAPPENS, I'LL BE
THERE AT THE FRONT THE NEXT TIME.

DRESSED AS A WOMAN WITH A
TICKET FOR SWEDEN, NO DOUBT.

WELL, I THINK IT'S
TIME FOR LIGHTS OUT.

IT'S BEEN A MOST
ENJOYABLE EVENING,

JUST LIKE THE OLD
BOY SCOUT JAMBOREES.

YES, IT'S ONLY HALF PAST 10:00.

SHALL I PUT THE CAMPFIRE
OUT, MR. RUMBOLD?

OH, YES, WE DON'T
WANT TO TAKE ANY RISKS.

HELLO, CHURCHILL'S HAVING
ONE OF HIS CATNAPS AGAIN.

SOMEBODY BETTER WAKE
HIM UP. IT'S TIME TO GO TO BED.

- Peacock: MR. HUMPHRIES...?
- ARE YOU FREE, MR. GRAINGER?

YES, I'M FREE.

All: GOOD NIGHT.

HEY, SHIRLEY, FANCY A GAME OF
PING-PONG IN THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT?

- NO, THANK YOU.
- HOW ABOUT SARDINES
IN SOFT FURNISHINGS?

GET IN YOUR TENT
AND ZIP YOURSELF UP.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO GO TO THE LIBRARY

AND GET YOU A COPY OF
"THE SENSUOUS WOMAN"?

TWO COPIES?

HAS ANYBODY SET THE ALARM
FOR TOMORROW MORNING?

I'VE SET THE BURGLAR
ALARM FOR TONIGHT.

I HOPE YOU CATCH ONE.

- AFTER YOU, SIR.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M GONNA KEEP MY SOCKS
ON, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

NOT AT ALL, SIR.

( imitating bugle
playing Last Post )

THAT'S ENOUGH, MR. LUCAS.

GOOD NIGHT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

ARE YOU STANDING ON TIPTOE?

- NO, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- OH.

( sputtering )

OH, DRAT IT! THERE
GOES ME STOPPER.

FIRE! FIRE!

FIRE!

WELL, THAT'S
DAMPENED IT DOWN A BIT.

- GOOD NIGHT, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- GOOD NIGHT, MR. LUCAS.

I WON'T COME OUT. I'VE
JUST PUT CREAM ON MY FACE.

AH... JUST THINK...

THOSE TEETH ONCE
DID WINSTON CHURCHILL.

- GOOD NIGHT, MR. GRAINGER.
- ( muffled voice )

DON'T BOTHER.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO READ,
ARE YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

NO, SIR.

CAN YOU GET RID OF THAT THING?

- WHAT THING?
- THE LIGHT.

OH, YES, SIR.

THERE'S NOTHING ON MY SIDE.

OH, DAMN. IT MUST BE ON MINE.

- MR. LUCAS,
YOU'RE NOT IN BED YET.
- I'M JUST GOING, SIR.

Mr. Rumbold: TURN THIS
LIGHT OUT FOR US, WILL YOU?

CERTAINLY, SIR.

NOT THE LEVER.

OH, I'M SORRY!

( theme music plays )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIAL, SOFT FURNISHINGS
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN. ♪