All language subtitles for According to Jim s08e14 Happy Jim

So, honey, when you're done in the
kitchen, would you mind lifting up the

in the living room and buffing the
hardwood floors in there?

This is a floor waxer? Yeah.

Oh, I thought it was a mini Zamboni.
We're going to make an ice drink out in

backyard.

Oh, hey, guys.

Ooh, we waxing the floor for the cake
party?

What? Nothing, nothing, Andy. Go home.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait

a minute. What did he say? Nothing,
nothing. He's been drinking. Ooh, smell

bourbon? No way. I brushed my teeth.

Freeze right there, both of you.

I thought I heard the P word.

I thought you were going to T -E -L -L
space H -I -M. I didn't have a C -H -A

-C -E.

I don't care what you spell. I heard the
word party.

Okay, honey, honey. Give me a chance to
explain.

You see what I'm doing, Cheryl?

You see how I'm gazing off into space?

What am I doing, Cheryl?

Checking your files. I'm checking my
files.

And I don't see a party request form.

I told you to file the forms.

I was really looking forward to this
party, and now this jerk is going to

it. See you, buddy.

Come on. Okay, Jim, here's the thing.

I'm having some people over on Saturday,
but I wouldn't really call it a party.

What would you call it?

A meeting of my cake decorating society.

All right.

And her husband. Oh, come on, Jim.

You know I don't like parties. You know
I don't like people.

And people at parties don't like me.

Oh, honey, I like having people over. I
think it's fun.

Fun.

Was it fun in your birthday party,
Cheryl?

Yeah!

Okay.

We're done here.

Everybody out.

Was it fun christening the twins?

Okay. We're done here.

Everybody out.

I know, but... Was it fun at your game
night?

Okay, we're done here. Everybody out.

Tim, it's one night.

It's cake and it's drinks and it's
really important to me. You know what's

important to me, Cheryl?

Filing the proper paperwork.

But that's not as important as making me
happy, right?

I don't know. Let me check the files.

Well, can't find it in the files.

Checking the W for wedding vows?

I must have lost it in the fire.

L for loving act of kindness?

Not there.

H for half your stuff?

There it is.

That's always smart.

Before we start to review the
instructions.

Chapter one. So you bought yourself a
new waxer. Chapter two. Jim turns it on.

your new waxer.

Hey, buddy.

How's your back?

Cheryl said you were at the emergency
room for a couple hours.

Thought maybe you could use a hug.

So, say hi to Get Better Bear.

Well, hello, Get Better Bear.

Uh, Jim, are you okay?

Mr. Bear, would you like some honey?

I don't think we have any, but we got
lots of sugar.

Uh, let me guess. Pain pills?

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Oh, there are my angels.

Hey.

The pain pills your dad's taking are
making him feel pretty good.

So if you have any bad news, now's the
time.

I quit baseball and never told you.

That's okay, son. I never paid the
league fees.

Sometimes I steal money from Mommy's
purse.

things to say before this thing wears
off.

Uh, Jim, a while ago I rented a car on
the company credit card so I could take

girl on a date.

That's great.

I also rented the date.

It's okay, Andy.

It's only money.

And I want you to be happy.

I was thinking about my cake party, and
I was thinking maybe because you're

hurt, I should postpone it.

Why, honey? It's so important to you.

Yeah, but maybe I should just cut down
the guest list.

No.

I think you should add to it.

Really?

sugar for Mr.

Bear.

Ah, there's my buddy.

Who's with his buddy.

Hey, um, just a quick heads up. I'm
going to be playing golf Thursday

so I'm going to be a little late to
work.

I'll be in around noon on Monday.

That is totally unacceptable.

Oh, no, I just thought that... Andy,
please, I am watching the game right

What happened to you? Oh, come on, Rob!

Geez, fine.

I don't know why you're upset at me when
Kyle quit baseball and Ruby's stealing

from Cheryl.

I shouldn't, but I might.

I want to, but I won't.

just right.

Well, here it is. The Sears Tower in
cake.

What do you think?

In a word, no.

What? As an architect, may I point out
that the scale's completely off.

The detail is horrendous, and it's
missing its trademark radio towers.

I'll let you look at the knife. Oh,
hooray.

Oh, Cheryl.

Cheryl.

I spotted this flower on my walk.

It reminded me of you.

Aw.

It looks beautiful.

It smells great.

And it makes me happy when I look at it.

Well, I was cheerful.

What got into you?

Is that the Sears Tower?

Yeah. What a great likeness.

Sucky cake, sucky cake.

It's completely edible, even if the
security guard made it out of Marzipan.

If you'll excuse me, I need to spend
some time with my kids.

And then I'm going to clip the hair out
of my ear.

Then taking his pain pills.

Oh, really?

Uh -huh. Well, maybe someone refilled
his prescription.

What did you do?

Nothing.

You did something.

Okay, I did do something.

Something wonderful.

Andy, you drugged him.

Cheryl, drugged is such a terrible word.

I medicated him.

How could you do that?

He was being a jerk.

So, you know, some pills accidentally
found their way into his soda.

Yesterday.

And again today.

Andy, that is dangerous and immoral. You
can't give painkillers to someone when

they're not in pain.

Sure. He tore the head off a defenseless
get -better bear.

And, by the way, he's stealing money
from your purse.

Ugh, so does Ruby.

You're right. You're right. I mean,

what's the big deal if he's not in a
good mood for your cake decorating

No, no, no. Your guests will have a
great time from the moment they enter

five minutes later when Jim yells at
them to leave.

I can't give him painkillers?

He's not even hurt?

Well, then maybe we should hurt him.

Okay, we're going to ask Jim to take
this cake box out to the fridge in the

garage.

Okay.

The weight of the cinder blocks will
throw him off balance and he'll hurt his

back.

He'll be in so much pain he'll have to
take another pill.

This is so much nicer than drugging him
for no reason.

So when do we do it? When the other pill
wears off.

Okay. Hey!

Where's your remote?

Who hid my remote?

Oh. Oh.

I found it. I'm sitting on it.

I think it's time.

Let me know how it goes.

Well, where are you going?

I can't be a part of this.

Well, no. You thought of it. We're
calling it Cheryl Cinderblast.

This is not a remote. This is a cell
phone.

I press channel six and call my mother.

Hey, I'm really glad you're here.
Listen, Cheryl would like you to take

cake box out to the garage refrigerator.

Why don't you take it?

Yeah, because she wants you to take it.

Well, I'm not telling you to take it.

No, she told me to tell you to take it.

Well, what does it matter who takes it?
Would you just take it?

Quite strong.

You get the door for me?

Why don't you get the door? Why do I
have to get the door?

Fine. Take the cake. Fine.

As long as you tell me what's going on
here. Oh, the pain, the pain.

Relief is right here.

What's with the cinder block?

It's a new kind of cake. I don't expect
it'll catch on.

No, no, no. Okay, Cheryl.

Cheryl's trying to hurt you.

Why? She wants you to have to take pain
pills so you're not a jerk at the party.

Her words, not mine.

Andy, did you have anything to do with
this?

Yes, yes, I did.

I was in on it from the beginning. I
even helped name the plan.

Andy, thank you for being honest.

Oh!

What'd you do that for?

Because I'm a jerk without my pain
pills.

She wants me hopped up on pills, does
she?

Well then, you know what?

I'm going to be hopped up on pills.

And you know what? I'm going to have
nice, minty, fresh breath.

I tripped coming up the steps.

My husband hurt his back. He's been
taking some pain pills. Oh, yeah, about

that, Cheryl.

They're not really working, so I took a
couple more.

What? How many?

I don't know.

Two?

Four?

You took too many. No, I just took like
this and put my hand like that. And I

went like this.

Jim, Jim, that is really, really bad.

Jill, look at that.

Wow.

I know this one.

This is that building in Washington.

that even without pain pills, I'm a
pleasant guy.

Okay, we're done here. Everybody out.

Well, Cheryl, as usual, I've done some
of my best thinking in the shower.

And I have decided not to press charges.

As long as your apology is sincere and
at least five minutes long.

I'm supposed to apologize to you? Wait,
wait, wait. Let me start the watch.

You ruined my party and you embarrassed
me.

You tried to drug me.

Medicate you.

I just didn't want another party to end
in a scene.

Well, then don't invite me.

Is it really that awful? Yes, Cheryl, it
is that awful. It is.

I love you, I love the children, and I
tolerate Andy.

That is it. I don't know why you don't
understand that. Why do you keep having

these parties?

I guess I just keep hoping you're going
to like the next one. Cheryl, Cheryl.

At the wedding, what was the first thing
I said after I do?

You turned to my father and you said,
take that, she's mine now.

After that, after that.

You said, can we skip the reception?

See?

I may be a jerk, honey, but I'm
consistent.

All right, fine.

For the rest of our lives, we'll never
go to another party.

Thank you.

I think that's the first fight I've ever
won.

Wait, let me check my files.

Yep, first one.

Yes, Kim, you won. I did.

So no more kids' birthday parties? Oh,
we can have kids' birthdays.

No Thanksgiving or Christmas?

Honey, those are holidays.

We have turkey.

That's different.

Super Bowl?

I invite a couple friends over.

How about when you get a new grill?

Oh, I love barbecues.

Barbecues aren't parties.

Yes, they are.

We just don't call them that.

Really? Yes.

Well, then maybe it's possible I just
don't like Meredith and Murph.

Fine. They are dead to me. Kyle can get
a new godmother.

But I still win, right?

You totally win.

You told me what's what, and I backed
down.

Damn right.

Now, you file a proper paperwork, and
I'll consider this fight

over.

You know, I think I have the proper
paperwork right here.

Think I'd like that in triplicate,
please?