All language subtitles for According to Jim s07e17 No Bedrest for the Wicked

Hey, J -Dog, can I get a what, what?

What? And one more.

What? Ah, my man, kicking it old school.

What you doing?

Ah, making a list of all the things I
want Cheryl to do when she gets off of

rest.

Hey, uh, is fence post one word or two?

You got her digging fences?

You're damn right. During her whole
pregnancy, I've been doing all the

housework. As soon as her doctor signs
off on her lady business, I want her

doing some of my jobs.

Mow lawn.

Yep. Rake leaves.

You know, Jim, we could make some money
here.

I'm pretty sure there's a fetish market
on the Internet for pregnant women doing

yard work.

Actually, I'm very sure there is.

And you are sick!

But you'll send me that link, right? Oh,

baby.

You know, Andy, the best part of this
whole thing is when Cheryl goes off of

rest, we can finally get back to bed
action.

Oh, that is good news. It is.

You get to have sex with my pregnant
sister.

my unborn twin nephews watch out in
horror.

Annie, it's been nine months. If they
blink once, they'll miss it.

Hey, guys.

Hey, there's the queen of my castle.

I mean, it's not quite a castle. I mean,
castles have fences.

Um, honey, first of all, the babies are
fine, but the doctor really doesn't want

me on my feet until I go into labor,
so...

I'm still on bed rest.

Bed rest?

Are you sure you said bed rest?

And not you should be fed less?

Do you want me to help you upstairs? No,
thanks, honey.

Look, Jim, I know you're disappointed,
and I really wanted to start pitching in

around here, too, but... It's no big
deal, honey, really. Come on.

I didn't even think about it.

I am the best, aren't I?

What's that?

That's just a list of things I got to do
before the babies get here.

I'd be happy to pitch in. Oh, I don't
think you really want to. Play pregnant

stripper who needs cash to pay rent.

Give me that.

Doesn't matter.

Stuck doing my own lawn work.

The good news is, Jim, I'm pretty sure
there's a fetish site on the Internet

husky blue -collar guys doing yard work.

Actually, I'm very sure there is.

Queen Cheryl wants her favorite cereal.

Queen Cheryl wants her organic raisins.

the light bulbs, but that's okay. A
grown man can go one night without

the old Easy Bake.

Oh, I need a break.

This is one of the couple days between
the pregnancy and the birth.

Have a little sex.

Maybe even a repaved driveway.

This has been a tough time for you.
Yeah, well, yeah.

I tell you what, you buy me some new
light bulbs, and we'll see if a four

tray of snickerdoodles doesn't turn that
frown upside down.

Hello, Jim.

Oh, Dr. Collins, how are you? Andy, this
is Cheryl's lady doctor.

Oh, how are you?

Hey.

Jim, why are you shopping?

I mean, this is exactly the kind of
thing Cheryl should be doing now that

off bed rest.

Jim, Jim, this isn't what Cheryl said
when she got home. Hey, are you lying to

us, man? Because that would be in very
poor taste. I don't even know you.

Yes. Isn't that good news?

Oh, it's good news.

Oh, it's very good news indeed.

Andy, direct me to the whoop -ass aisle.

I'll be needing several cans.

Resting in bed as per the doctor's
orders. Yes.

So, were you guys shopping?

Shopping? Of course.

What Saturday haven't I shopped in the
last nine months?

Yeah, nothing's different.

Jim's shopping.

You're lying in bed as per the doctor's
orders. Yes.

You guys getting my ice cream?

Oh, did we remember her ice cream? This
ice cream here? Oh, this ice cream

indeed.

Are you going to give it to me? Oh, I'm
going to give it to you.

I'm going to give it to you, baby.

What the hell?

All right.

What's going on here?

I don't know. What's going on here? I'm
in the dark.

Maybe these bulbs will light up the
subject.

Guess who I

ran into at the grocery mart today,
Cheryl?

Here's a dab.

Dr. Collins.

He told you I'm not on bed rest. And he
told me you were not... Okay, so you

guessed.

My wife is a big fat liar.

And I always thought this marriage was
based on your honesty.

All right, what's going on? I saw ice
cream flying out the window and Andy

running down the stairs muttering, my
bulbs, my beautiful bulbs.

Jim figured out I was faking.

Oh, crap.

Were you in on this, too?

Oh, my God, Cheryl, how deep does this
go?

Are you even pregnant?

No, Jim.

No, she's not pregnant. And guess what
else?

She's a dude.

Okay, okay, here's the truth.

If I get up and start moving around,
these babies are going to pop out.

And this family is going to be changed
forever.

But Cheryl, Cheryl, come on with the
crying.

Stop with the crying. No, I know.

Come on, you're not the victim. I'm the
victim. I should be crying.

I know, I know.

I guess I just wanted to savor these
last few days before everything changed.

But honey, it was wrong.

And I am so sorry.

But Cheryl, the doctor said...

legitimate, deep emotional feelings.

Actually, she triple -crossed you.

She's a dude.

Stop it!

I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry. I was
wrong.

Wait a minute. What are you doing here?
I'm getting up. I'm not on bed rest.

Wait, wait, wait.

Please, Cheryl, wait.

Wait a minute. If it's that important to
you, why don't you just stay in bed

and... Enjoy yourself the last couple of
days.

Really? Yeah, really.

Are you sure? I said really. Don't push
it.

And if you really want that ice cream, I
probably could scrape the ants in a

broken light bulb off it.

I'll go get it.

Or you could just go back to the store.

were faking but i didn't know it was
driven by legitimate deep emotional

feelings well now that jim's gone i can
tell you that maybe they weren't that

legitimate or deep or emotional really
wait you were

lying again why mama's not cooking
mama's not cleaning mama's not digging

fence posts

Can I get a what -what?

What's the matter with this thing? It
doesn't work.

I've been having the same problem with
my easy -bake oven.

Oh, my God.

Is this what I think it is? Jim, this is
the... Let him say it. Let him say it.

Hear ye, hear ye.

By order of Stevie B., emperor of ribs,
viceroy of barbecue sauce, and sovereign

ruler of all things grilled, you are
hereby anointed king for a day.

At the Stevie B.'s Rib Cafe, booze and
blues crews... the lake.

Yes! You will reign for 12 hours as the
S .S. Babyback sails to the

far off shores of an exotic land known
only as Michigan.

If it pleases your highness. Oh, it
pleases my highness, correct me.

Good. We set sail tomorrow at 10 a .m.
It may also please your highness to

a light jacket and cash for premium well
drinks. Tell Stevie B that I want to do

that.

Tell him that I accept thine offer.

By your leave, sire.

Okay. Leave.

Leave. I'm leaving. Leave, leave, leave.

Yes, yes, yes.

Walking for a day. Yes, yes. That's
exactly what you deserve. I deserve it.

deserve it. This is your reward. My
reward. For the way you've treated

for the last nine months. Cheryl.

go to sea for 12 hours when a big white
whale is about to blow?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Why not?

You are the king.

Yeah, but be serious.

I am serious.

Cheryl's back on bed rest, Jim. These
babies may not come for days.

And you, you deserve this.

That's true.

And if I miss the delivery,

We could always start a new life in
Michigan.

Unless those babies come out before we
set sail, I see no reason why you can't

go.

No reason.

No reason at all.

Punishing a guy who's been a bonehead is
one thing, but punishing a guy who's

been an absolute prince for the last
nine months, brah, oh.

Don't say it like that. You make me feel
like a horrible person.

You are a horrible person.

You're my role model.

I'm thinking about faking pregnancy just
to get my husband to take out the

trash.

God, what am I doing?

He's been so good for nine months. And
so rotten for the last 15 years.

This is nuts. Dana, help me up. I gotta
get these babies out of me. No, no,

Cheryl. Get back in bed. No, punish him.
Just grind him into the dirt. Tina.

Cheryl, if you go down there, then he
wins.

And you know what that means? We're
gonna see a victory dance. Oh, don't

He doesn't do that anymore.

to Riverdance five times.

They have nothing on what you just gave.
Oh, I thought it too, Andy.

Ever since they made me the king, I've
changed inside.

I see the good in the world, not just
pregnancy and babies.

I'm a king. You are the king.

Yes?

Honey, I have something important to
tell you. Oh, I have something to tell

I think we should have sex. I like what
you're thinking. Go, get up.

Yeah, we'll make a few mistakes because
we haven't done it for a while. Go. Hey,

Jim, I'm pretty sure there's a fetish
site on the Internet. Get up!

Okay. Okay, where do you want to do it?

Oh, we're going to need some room.

Should I get some newspapers for the
rug?

Hey, don't you want to know why I want
to do it? No, I just want to do it. I

want to do it and fall asleep while
you're telling me why we should do it.

But listen to me, because making love is
a great way to induce labor.

Cheryl, making love is a very fancy term
for what's about to happen.

You know, if this works, we could have
these babies tonight.

Excuse me, what?

We could have these babies tonight.

Look, honey, I know you're tired of
taking care of me, so the sooner we have

sex, the sooner I go into labor.

Tonight, huh?

Oh, Cheryl.

She's not in the mood.

Not in the mood?

You got kicked in the junk by a horse
and you were still in the mood.

Can I tell you, Cheryl, I'm not just
like a light bulb you can turn on and

Not working.

What's going on?

Is it because you're not attracted to me
when I look like this?

If I say yes, will you go away?

You sure you're not in the mood?

Hey, we could play Pregnant Stripper
Needs Tips to Pay the Rent.

I don't like that game.

I find it very demeaning to pregnant
women, strippers and renters.

You know, I'm starting to think you
don't want these twins to come. I don't.

yet. I mean, I was thinking about what
you were saying the other night about

preserving the family. I got to be
honest with you.

You won me over.

You're right.

I'm wrong.

All right.

You don't want to have sex and you just
admitted to being wrong. Either you're

having an affair or you're doing
something insane you don't want me to

about.

Her name is Sue.

Really?

Where'd you meet her?

At the gym.

She's a, you know, spinning instructor.

What's spinning?

Hula hoops.

All right, Jim, come on, spill it.
What's going on? Nothing's going on

for my undying love for you and our
children and our current family

I see.

Then I guess you probably don't want me
to shake the twins out by doing this.

Oh, wow. Oh, sure. Oh, my God, honey.
Oh, sure, you're testing my undying

BB Blues and Booze Cruise.

I'm the lake tomorrow for 12 hours.

Okay. I am about to give birth.

Yes. And you want to go on a boat on a
lake for 12 hours eating ribs?

Yes, Cheryl, I do.

I think I deserve it.

I mean, for the past nine months, I've
been taking care of you and the

You should go. I take them to school. I
do the laundry.

I do all the cooking for them. I can do
the floor. I mean, the vacuum cleaner

needs to be fixed. I think I really
deserved and earned this.

What's that?

You should go on the cruise.

Okay, Blondie, what's the game?

Okay, I admit the cruise sounds a little
bit selfish, but I've been pretty

selfish myself.

No, you were just trying to preserve our
family and its current structure.

Well, actually, the current structure I
was trying to preserve was you doing

everything while I sat around on my ass.

But you had legitimate, deep emotional
feelings, Cheryl.

Legitimate, deep emotional?

Yeah, faked.

You pulled off a double fake.

Bravo, Cheryl.

Wait a minute.

Is Dina right? Are you a dude?

Oh.

I think I just went a little crazy, you
know, thinking about what it's going to

be like with five kids.

Me too.

Really? Yeah.

Five kids are a lot, Cheryl. It's a lot.

How the hell are we going to handle it?

Probably not by lying and tricking each
other.

I hate to give that one up.

Guess I'm not going to get my ice cream
in gossip magazines.

Yeah, I'm not going to get my ribs.

I'll be able to pee off the side of the
boat.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

Wait a minute.

Do you think that you could handle
holding off your raging desire for me

few hours?

I think I can manage.

This with just one phone call?

Well, I may not be on the blues cruise,
but I'm still the king!

Hear ye, hear ye! In honor of the king
and queen, I present for thy royal

pleasure Stevie B's smoked meats and
hushed puppies.

As your king, I declare this forsooth!

Forsooth is good, right?

As you wish, my king.

My king?

Yes? You have some sauce on your chin.

Mm -hmm.

Wench. Where's my wench?

Yes? My lady.

My lord needs his chin wiped. Oh, I'm
not doing that. He's just going to look

down my dress again.

Or suit.

You do it. Call me when you have the
stupid babies.

Would you like to join me in the royal
bedchambers, my witch?

I thought I was the queen.

Oh, believe me, you'll be wearing a few
hats before the night's over.

Except my water just broke.

Your water just broke? Oh, we're never
going to get that cook off the throne.

My big witch!

Honey, I'm sorry. You're going to have
to take me to the hospital. Fine, fine,

fine. Pack a small bag. I'm already
packed.

No, no.

feast. I'm not carrying it. I'm the
king.