All language subtitles for According to Jim s07e06 Rubys First Date

Okay, you rats.

I know you guys miss your mom, but I
figured out a way to have her with us

she's in Florida taking care of Grandma.
It's gonna be just like having her

here.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Mommy.

Mommy, what are you doing on Daddy's
naked lady machine?

Great idea, Andy.

Come on down here, kids. I got all the
clothes.

They're all done.

Wow. Cheryl's been gone a month, and
you're actually making things work. I'm

really impressed.

Well, when you have a system, it's very
easy.

What'd you do?

You know that? I pin their outfits
together before I wash them.

That way I can tell whose is whose.

Oh, there you are. All right, young
lady.

This is yours.

Great. My red sweatpants and my white T
-shirt.

Daddy's learning.

No. No, you're not.

This is for my sleepy football star.

What happened to my unicorn PJs?

Oh, you know what? The laundry fairy
took them out to live on a farm.

She takes everything that makes me feel
magical.

I can't tell if you're stupidly clever
or cleverly dumb.

How about...

Magically delicious.

All right, my dear, here you go.
Perfect.

Those are Kyle's underpants.

They're girly enough for you. Come on,
put them on.

Daddy? Yes?

Remember how you said when Mom's away, I
can bring all my problems to you?

Yes, yes, yes.

I've got a Mommy problem.

Oh, great. Here, let me put my Mommy hat
on.

My friends are getting it done. Look at
mine. They're hideous.

You don't have to get them waxed. Not
when they're just starting to grow

together.

Anything else?

Yes.

I need you to buy me a training bra.

Daddy,

are you okay?

Let's talk about your eyebrows.

powers for things like that.

What's this about?

He's freaking out because I told him I
needed a training bra.

Dana, take my credit card, all right?
Buy it for her. I don't want to hear

it. I don't want to see it. I don't want
to find it in the laundry.

Okay, what's this about? Your mom and I
bought you a bra last month.

I know, but it's no fun going to the
mall with daddy.

I need the words training bra to freak
him out, and now I get to go with you.

Except for that hideous eyebrow.

Andrea, can I talk to you about
something?

Sure. There's a boy at school named
Sammy. Oh, I dated a Sammy once. Well,

really dated. It was more like a lot of
one night... Tell me about your Sammy.

He passed me a note, and he wants to go
out sometime.

Oh, perfect. Good for you.

What else do you know about him?

His name's Sammy, and he passed me a
note.

Sounds like quite a catch.

Well, all right, if you want to go, as
long as it's in a public place,

like here.

Aunt Mommy says yes.

Awesome. I'll call him right now. Oh,
no, no, no, no. You wait two days. Then

you pass him a note saying you just got
out of a major relationship and you're

taking things slow.

How old were you when you got married?

32.

I'm calling.

Thank you very much for that.

So did you get the, um...

Yes,

she tried it on. It's a little big, but
she can grow up.

Just give me the credit card.

Oh, we had the best time. Lots of girl
talk.

Oh, and guess what?

Our little Ruby is going on her first
date.

You okay?

So tell me about the training, bro.

No! Ruby is not going on a date. She's a
little girl.

Ruby's dating? I'm not even dating. What
the crap?

No.

Nobody is dating.

Jim, she's in the sixth grade. She's
ready for this. Oh, you know what? I

girl in the sixth grade who was ready
for this. And you know what? I went to

kid's first birthday party in the eighth
grade.

Jim, that's not Ruby. They're going to
go to the mall and maybe hold hands.

I knew a girl who was ready to hold
hands in the sixth grade.

And her grandkids went to her high
school graduation.

Wait, wait.

Something doesn't sound right about
that.

Why haven't you introduced me to this
girl?

Because she's a great -grandmother now!

And he is.

Tell me about this guy, because I want
to kill him. He's not a guy. He's a boy.

He's a little boy named Sammy.

What do you know about Sammy? I'm sure
he's six inches shorter than Ruby with

pimples and a squeaky voice.

Aw, and this kid's getting action? Damn!

Nobody's getting any action because
she's not dating this kid. She's not

on a date. She's too young. I'm sure
it's harmless. Don't you remember middle

school? You were there for five years.

We're going to put an end to this right
now.

Andy, do your voodoo thing and summon
Cheryl.

It's a video chat, Jim. It's not black
magic. Summon her!

You know what?

We're going to get the right answer from
the real mommy.

the mother of my children, my wife, the
wisest woman in the whole world.

Hey, guys. Hi, Cheryl.

Listen, um, Ruby got asked out on her
first date, and Dana said she could go.

A date? I'm so happy for... Forget

it. I knew it. From now on, there's only
one mommy in this house, and you're

looking at them.

It's age appropriate.

She's right on schedule.

Schedule for what?

Working a pole at cleavages?

Not happening.

What's that sound? Oh, it's the
computer. It's Cheryl.

Hey, what happened? Everything went
dark.

I don't know, honey.

Maybe asteroids.

What's going on with Ruby's date? I'll
tell you what's going on. She's not

on a date.

All right? She just got her first
training bra. I don't want some sleazy

named Sammy trying to take it off her.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Wait, what was that, Ruby?

Did she hear you?

I don't think so.

Everything seems fine.

Be locked up in her bedroom? Yeah.

I'm gonna go to the garage and get a
crowbar. Wait, wait, Tim, Tim, Tim. Come

here. No, no, no, no. You gotta sit
down. I want you to hear this. No,

me for a second, okay?

Look, my dad was a real hard ass. He
wouldn't let me or Cheryl wear makeup or

talk on the phone or even think about
boys. He was like a prison warden. A

brilliant man.

No, it just made us rebellious.

Rebellious? You two are the town skanks.

You and Cheryl went through half the
football team.

Cheryl is my wife. Now, you back off.

Yeah, that's right. Cheryl preferred the
basketball team. What?

Yeah. And poor old dad would stay up all
night on that sofa with me and his gin,

wondering where it all went sour.

Was it me, Andy?

Did I raise him wrong?

No, Pop. You did the best you could.

Refill your cocktail?

My point is, if you lock her up, you're
just going to turn her into me.

All right.

I'll talk to her.

Good. That was the fridge.

Do you think it's Ruby?

I don't know. Gracie's at a friend's
house.

And Carl always says, open Sesame Magic
cold box.

You made Dad drink?

Sure.

And don't pour that gin like you bought
it, because you didn't.

I know I didn't. I'm just a kid. I was
just a kid.

Hey.

I really want to be alone.

Hey, you know what? Me too. Maybe that's
something we can do together.

Why are you making such a big deal about
this?

Honey, it is a big deal.

It's a really big deal. It's a turning
point in a father's life seeing his

little girl grow up. And that's my
problem how?

Look.

It's my job to protect you. From what?

We're going to eat frozen yogurt.

I'll order a little fat.

Well, that attitude, maybe I'll go on a
date with you.

I don't understand.

What do you think is going to happen on
this date?

Well, you know what? I've already got a
headache. I don't want to think about

it.

It's like you think I'm bad or
something. I don't think you're bad,

It's the boys. They're rotten.

You're a boy.

I'm the only good one.

Do you think you and Mommy did a good
job raising me? Of course we did.

Well, then you obviously taught me right
from wrong.

True. And you should trust me to do the
right thing. Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait. Or your bad father.

Take your pick.

Man, you're good.

All right.

I trust you.

Thank you.

You really think Mommy and I did a good
job raising you?

Yep. Great if you do.

Kyle? Let's not spoil the moment.

So what are you going to do when Sammy
gets here?

I'm just going to have a little talk
with him.

Out in the garage.

Nothing scary.

I just want him to see that I have a saw
that can cut through bone.

Okay.

Here she is.

Hi, Daddy.

Look at you.

You look so beautiful.

Turn me around. I can't see.

You look... Beautiful, like a little
angel.

For God's sake, will somebody turn me
around?

Oh, oh, look at my little girl, all
grown up.

And you're wearing your training
clothes. Oh, my God, that's Sammy.

All right, Jim. Now, just remember, this
is probably the little guy's birthday,

too, so try not to scare him.

I feel so bad that he's getting dates
and I'm not.

Can I get you another beer, Jim?

Or maybe a gin and tonic?

Hey, Ruby.

How you doing?

I'm good. Let me get my coat.

What happened to that pimply -faced run,
Gina?

You said he was a kid.

What do I know, Jim? I'm just the town
floozy.

Sorry I'm late.

Basketball practice went long.

Like mother, like daughter.

Okay, see ya.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

You two have fun.

What are you doing? You let her go! Say
something!

I looked her right in the eye, and I
told her I...

At least when Cheryl and Dana skanked
out, they went through the back door.

They're walking away.

I'm not a prison warden, Dana.

That's what you said.

So we're going to follow them to the
yogurt store?

Absolutely. Grab your keys.

can you tell? Can't hear a word they're
saying.

Hold me up. Hold me up. I can't see.

I know that kid. He's a seventh grader.

I think he hit on me once.

Wait a minute.

Who are those hooligans?

They got cigarettes.

Jim, those are straws.

Good Lord, they're hooked on straws.

Yeah, I'm not on my watch. I'm going in.

Don't worry.

She's not going to even know I'm there.

Here, hold Cheryl's head.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, want a coupon?

No, no, no. I think it's break time for
you.

Break time? I wish.

So,

how do I look?

Fantastic. Hey, see if you can get some
coupons. Or the hole punch for the

frequent buyer card.

More than usual.

So the other day, my dad was totally on
my case.

He said, back off, Walter.

And he did.

Awesome. What's your dad like?

Tight. We're in.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Get me out of this thing.

Get me out of this thing.

I can't break that kid's neck with these
flippers.

What's going on?

Oh, that other creep wants to go over to
his house to hang out. Probably the guy

who brought the straws.

Well, it's not going to happen. Get me
out of this thing. I'm trying. Hey, did

you get the coupons? What coupons? No.

That's my cell phone.

That's Ruby's tone.

Dana, it's in my front pocket right
here. Get it. Not your life.

Come on, Dana.

Andy, come on. Your turn. It's right
here. There's a vent right here. Right

below my waist. Right here. Come on. You
call it a vent. We both know it's a pee

hole. Get it.

You heard him ask, folks.

Hurry up before she sees us.

Andy, get it.

Coupons? You suck.

Sure, I can come pick you up.

I'll be there in ten minutes, huh?

Will somebody tell me what's going on?

That was Ruby.

She wants me to come and pick her up.

She's going to tell Sammy that she's not
feeling well and we're supposed to meet

her outside in the mall.

Oh, she's such a good girl.

Yeah, she really is.

Yeah, a good girl who's coming this way.

Don't you want to talk about tonight?

I'm dying to.

That's why I'm going to go upstairs and
call my friends. Come here. Come here.

Come on. Come on. Come on, wise guy. Sit
down.

Now, what happened?

They were some older kids, and they
wanted to go to this guy's house where

are no parents around.

And you're right.

All boys aren't creeps. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. You went a little fast

through my favorite part.

Boys are creeps?

No, no. Back farther.

You were right.

Sweet victory.

Don't I get any credit for realizing it
wasn't a good situation and getting

myself out of there?

Doesn't that make you trust me?

Oh, baby.

Absolutely not.

I'll never trust you, not now or ever.

I mean, face it, honey.

You're really a good kid.

But on your wedding night, if you order
room service...

be sure I will be under the cart.

Dad. No, no, no. On your 20th
anniversary dinner, you look up and

waiter. It'll be your old man in a fake
mustache.

But... And when you are elected
president, the first night in the White

I get it.

Secret service guy, wake.

That's all I'm going to say.

Come on. You know I love you.

You mean everything to me.

And you're a good kid.

And that's why I will always be looking
out for you.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's Ben.

Ben who?

He's the one I really like. I was only
going out with Sammy to make Ben

I thought you said all boys were creeps.

Ben's different.

I can change him.

Hi, Ben.

Hold on a second.

Dad, what you said tonight really made a
lot of sense.

I'm really lucky to have you as a dad.

And I've learned a lot tonight.

So...

Yeah,

right.

You're really good.

Oh, my God. I'm so happy you called.

Go.

I was at the mall, and this weird
penguin, he was being really weird.