All language subtitles for According to Jim s04e19 Take My Wife, Please

Come on, Ortiz. Quit dancing. It's a
cage match, not a tea party.

Choke him out, Donnelly. You know what I
like about that, Donnelly? He's not in

it for the money. He just likes to hurt
people.

Okay, so explain to me again the
difference between ultimate cage

regular boxing.

Well, first of all, there's a cage,
which is an octagon.

Instead of a ring.

Which is square.

And there's no rules, so it makes it
illegal everywhere except for Asia.

And Alabama.

As you can see, the crotch is in play.

Right.

Hey, Jim, are you expecting anyone?

What? Like a friend?

Come on, now!

Come on, come on, come on! Oh, hi, Mr.

Osgood! Oh, now, please, Cheryl, I told
you before, it's Bertram. Mr.

Osgood was my father, and he's passed
on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, I'm not. I hated him.

Anyway,

I got some of your mail again.

Oh.

Oh, my God!

Two minutes, 75 bucks, it's over? That's
it?

What's the matter? Can't you fight with
a compound fracture?

Okay, Bertram, please, would you like to
come in? Thank you. Oh, you know what?

I actually think this is yours.

Opera tickets. Jim, Bertram has tickets
to Deflator Mouse.

Is that the one where everyone thinks
the baby kangaroo is a giant mouse?

Different classic, but just as good.

Are you an opera fan, Cheryl?

Oh, I've never actually gone, but I have
seen it on TV.

I see a lot of fun things on TV that
I've never actually been to.

I'm going to die in this house having
never been anywhere.

Well, would you like my ticket? Oh, God,
yes!

Dina! Friday!

Huh? Oh, yeah, well, I have to check my
book, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing

something that I wouldn't hate.

Andy! Andy, opera, huh?

Strauss, please.

I like my coffee black, my women on the
rebound, and my opera Italian.

Thank you, news.

I won't even ask.

Atta girl.

Hey, why don't you, uh, why don't you go
with Bertram?

Well, would that be okay with you?

Well, I would be delighted. That is, if
you don't mind being seen on the arm of

an old man.

Please, I've been to better places with
worse.

It's true.

She's dated some real losers.

Just one.

Well, that's great then, Cheryl. I will
see you on Friday. Oh, and you're going

to have to drive because I'm not allowed
to after dark. Oh, it would be my

pleasure. Well,

I am going to the opera.

And I...

Boy, are you asking the wrong guy.

We're going to play house.

Kyle's the baby.

I lie down and they bring me food.

Honey, that's not the baby.

That's the daddy.

Go on.

Hey, would one of you get the dinger?

No.

Dinger, dinger.

Cheryl, dinger.

Oh, I know.

Would it kill you to turn it off?

Cheryl, that's your area. I'm just
trying to respect it.

It's been a whole day. How long does
that opera buzz last?

It is such a romantic story.

You see, Alfred is still in love with
his old girlfriend, Rosalyn, but she is

married to Gabrielle von Eisenstein.

A love triangle.

How fresh.

And then afterwards, Bertram and I went
out and discussed it over tea.

It'd be nice to go to something with you
that didn't involve the words nitro

-burning.

Or totally nude.

You know, Cheryl, they have a British
dancer there. That's culture.

Like this, honey, look.

Look, there's a foreign film festival at
the Hillhurst.

I don't know, Cheryl.

Honey, come on, it'll be fun.

Yeah, it might be fun, but then what
happens if we're going to spend the rest

our lives chasing that hive with drugs
and alcohol?

in this city. We should take advantage
of it. Why don't I take you to the zoo?

Oh. All right, all right. I'll take you
to the forum, Phil.

I hope it's subtitled. There's nothing I
like more than reading a good movie.

Oh.

Oh, hey, Bertram. How are you? Oh, Jim.

Cheryl, I thought you might like this
CD. It's La Traviata with Hildegard

It's a real barn burner.

Thank you so much, and thank you for
taking me to the opera.

You know what? I baked you some cookies.
I'm going to go pack them up for you.

Well, come on in.

Please, please.

Here, here. Have a seat.

Wherever you want, Bert.

Do you mind I call you Bert?

Actually, I'd rather you didn't. Bert
always reminds me of that puppet on

Street.

Who, uh... Ernie?

Sure. Yeah?

Great time last night. She's been
singing all day back there. Well, Cheryl

delightful company. She is smart, and
she's funny, and she's considerate

to spend time with an old man. Oh, come
on. How old are you? I'm 76.

Holy... You want a shawl or a blanket or
something?

Oh, look, the newspaper.

Huh. That's funny.

Five mornings out of seven, I never get
mine.

That is funny.

Hey, the Foreign Film Festival.

Are you folks going?

Yeah, my wife's dragging me to the
Bicycle Thief.

Well, Jim, you're in for a real treat.
The Bicycle Thief is one of the great

works of European cinema. Oh, I got a
few European films in a box in the

Every once in a while, I have my own
festival.

So you like the bicycle thief, huh? Oh,
I love it.

Well,

that's interesting.

Why don't you take Cheryl to see the
bicycle thief?

Really? Sure.

You know what? It would make her happy,
and I like seeing her happy.

And believe me, I don't want to be up
all night standing in the bathroom

out tea.

I hear that. Yeah.

Well, I would really... love to take her
that is with your kind permission oh

permission granted are you sure oh of
course i'm sure i'm the one who told you

to do it so you wouldn't mind oh just
take my wife to the damn movie box

Five by ten. Okay, okay, wait a minute.
Listen,

I know you're going to be with Bertram,
but you're going downtown, so please

park on the street, because I'm not
paying those parking structure rates.

Who's Bertram? Oh, he's just a neighbor.

Cheryl's going out on the town with
another dude?

Oh, he's not another dude. He's just
some old guy. He takes her to the

and, you know, the opera and all the
crap I hate.

You think he'd take my wife to church?

You know, Jim, an old man is still a
man. That's right.

Please, knock it off. No, no.

It's true. I once walked in on my
grandparents doing it.

Yeah, yeah. They were in their 70s, but
Gramps was really putting Nana through

her paces.

Can we change the subject here?

You know, they got these pills now.
It'll turn an old man into a teenager.

Admiral Winky can sure stay on the
bridge a lot longer than he used to.

I mean, they got four hour, six hour,
and now the new 36 hour.

Hey, 80 is the new 60. They really are
the greatest generation.

Jim, Jim, you ready?

I'm counting off, man. Yeah, I'm
counting.

Okay,

hold on.

Two, three, four.

See, Bertram, you didn't have to walk me
through the door. I'm fine. Boy, you

can't be too careful. I didn't like the
look of some of them squirrels out

front. Oh!

Oh!

Jim!

Did I?

I'm sorry, my pet.

I was waiting up for you and I must have
nodded off.

What time is it?

Oh, mercy me, it's after one.

One? Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

I should have called. I had no idea how
late it was.

After the ballet, Bertram and I went to
this jazz club he knows about.

Bertram. Yes.

Bertram.

Oh, what a night.

Oh, my God, you must be just exhausted.

Why don't you go upstairs to bed, honey?
I'll see Bertram out.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Bertram, thank you for a lovely, lovely
evening.

So I'll see you on Saturday.

Right, the symphony. I can't wait.

All right, baby.

I'll be up there in a second to take my
place beside you in our bed.

All right.

What was that?

What? No, no, no. You just made a... You
just made a sound.

Oh, I was just clearing my throat.

No. No, no.

You want... Clearing your throat is...
You

just made the, I want to hit that noise.

I'm sorry, Jim, but I don't understand
what you're saying.

It's been a long night. I'm going home.
Well, you can stay home. Well, thank

you. I live there.

You listen to me, pal.

Here's the deal.

You and Cheryl...

Are over.

I don't want you to talk to her. I don't
want you to see her. I don't want you

calling her. You got it? Yes, but I
don't understand what you're... Shh,

shh, shh, shh, shh.

I think you do understand.

Just because a dog is droopy doesn't
mean he can't still hunt.

Is this another Sesame Street thing?

I want you out of here by the time I
count five or I'm going to turn that

on you. But Jim, this was all your idea.

No surprises this time.

I'm confident about that.

Hey. Hey, well, look at you. Hot date
tonight?

Yeah, you.

Didn't Jim tell you? I'm taking you to
the symphony.

What? Where's Bertram? Yes, Bertram,
yes.

He's a creep, honey.

I'm going to have Andy take you on dates
from now on.

What? The shoes stay on for an hour.
After that, no promises.

who wants to get down on it. Oh, come
on.

Cheryl, trust me, you should have seen
him when you were going up the stairs

other night. He made the mmm sound.

Mmm? No, no, no, no.

Not mmm from the throat, mmm from the
loins.

It's a guy thing, and honey, it is
uncontrollable. Oh. No, it's true,

mmmed a meter maid at the DMV yesterday.

What is it about those uniforms?

Mmm. Oh!

Fine. Next time, Jim, greenlight your
scheme with the wife before I squat the

crease out of my suit.

Jim, how dare you?

Where's my friend?

He's not your friend, Cheryl. He's a
guy.

And you put a guy in a batter's box,
he's gonna take a swing.

He's a 76 -year -old man.

Man, Cheryl, that's the operative word.

Man. I'll admit, I was fooled by the
age, too.

But he's a man.

And I'm a man. And I'm your husband.

Therefore, it is my job to protect you.
I don't want to ruin your friendship.

It's just my job.

Deciding who I'm friends with is not
your job.

That's a very common mistake, Cheryl.

Lots of wives make that mistake.

You know what? You're wrong about
Bertram. No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes.

By protector's permission.

Granted.

Cheryl, what are you doing here?

Jim's not with you, is he?

No, no.

Look, I'm just going to give you the
standard speech I give all the

Dear sir or madam, apparently my husband
has insert appalling action here.

Well, this is by no means an admission
of guilt or legal liability on Jim's

part.

Please accept this green bean casserole
as a peace offering.

I kind of stormed out, so I'm going to
have to owe you the casserole.

Thank you.

Please, come on. Oh, thank you.

Bertram, would you please tell me what
happened between you and Jim? Well, I

don't know. He just flew off the handle
the other night.

He thinks you have ulterior motives.

Oh, is that it?

Man is so hard to read.

He thinks you made an mmm noise?

Cheryl, I'm 76 years old. I make all
kinds of noises.

Look, please sit down.

You look a little shook up. I was just
having a glass of wine. Would you like

one? That would be great.

Thank you.

I'd love him to death, but I swear to
God, sometimes he's just a caveman.

Oh.

to the performing arts.

Oh, that is

lovely.

Yes, well, that's a California Merlot. I
hope it's not too pedestrian.

You know, I mean, I get to choose my own
friends. I just want someone I

can do things with.

It's very soothing, isn't it?

Yes, you know it is.

It's just, it's amazing to me. It's like
Jim really doesn't believe that a

straight man can be friends with an
attractive woman.

The man is a Neanderthal.

No, no, no.

He's a good guy. It's just that
sometimes he gets these crazy ideas.

What smells so good?

Oh, that's the candle.

It's cold.

Tropical passion.

Those island nights.

Okay.

You know what?

Jim is not going to ruin our symphony
date. So you go get your suit on and

go. Oh, what's the rush? Why don't we
just sit and finish our wine?

Oh, but we're going to be late for the
symphony.

Just think how much better friends we'll
be when we see each other naked.

Ow!

Where are you going? Where am I going?
I'm going to the symphony.

Alone.

You know what the saddest part is?

It's not just that our friendship is
over, which it is.

The gym was right about you.

Men aren't animals.

Oh, no, Cheryl. Men aren't animals.

Men are men at all ages.

Ah, what an old fool I am.

I went and ruined a great friendship.

It's just that I've been so lonely since
my dear Adele died.

Not working.

All right, I'll see you.

Commence firing.

Come on, tuba player, stay still.

Sweet!

Hey!

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Well, I thought if you came alone, I'd
be your date. If you came with Bertrand,

I'd kick his ass.

Now I put my roll of dimes back in my
chain store.

You were right.

Bertram made his move.

Go ahead.

Do it.

Well, well, well.

Not this time, Cheryl.

Although I am right.

It is partly my fault.

You set me up with him. It's all your
fault.

Well, all is apart.

You know, I realize when we do stuff
together, that's not really about the

we do together.

It's that we're together.

Oh, honey.

I've been together with you, too.

And we're together at the symphony. I
finally got you here.

Yes, the symphony.

Since I'm new at this, you want to talk
me through it?

Down there, those guys?

Mm -hmm. They play music and we listen.

Well, what am I supposed to look at?

Cheryl.

Yeah?

You didn't park in the structure, did
you?

You know, Jim, some people...