All language subtitles for According to Jim s04e15 Guess Whos Cooking Your Dinner

Piggy takes a bride.

This porker's a corker.

A sequel to Piggy's Day Off? Hollywood,
consider my appetite wedding.

Nine bucks a ticket?

I'm not paying that.

You tried that at the toll booth. These
people don't haggle.

Yeah, I'm gonna offer five. Let's see
who blinks.

Hey, Kyle.

How old are you? I'm four.

That's close.

Nuts!

What if Daddy needed you to be three
again?

Like, it would save Daddy's life.

Are you sick, Daddy?

Yes.

Sick of Hollywood taking me to the
cleaners.

Okay, I'll be three.

That's my boy.

Can we have candy?

No, no. It's too expensive here.
Besides, I brought a bag of spaghetti

night.

Good thinking. I got skirt steak.

We'll share.

Yes, can we have one adult and two
children for the piggy movie?

Does the boy need his own ticket? How
old are you?

I'm three.

Yes, and a very smart three.

That's why you're my favorite.

Hey!

It's just a figure of speech and a
reminder to stay on your toes.

All right, thank you.

Uh, yes.

Piggy.

Senior citizen discount.

You don't look that old.

Oh, and who says the young people don't
show respect anymore?

Hey, I remember you.

Hmm.

I bet you do.

You're the guy who tried to smuggle in a
ham in a baby carriage.

So nine dollars then?

Monkey socks. Monkey socks!

What?

You were saying monkey socks.

Oh, I was asleep.

Jim and Andy took the kids to a movie.
That was my first nap in five years.

I miss naps.

And one assumes monkey socks.

One assumes.

So, things are going well?

Really well.

I think Ryan and I are ready to take it
to the next level.

You mean you guys are gonna... Oh,
please, Cheryl, we did that on the

fourth date.

No, I mean, I want to throw a big...
family dinner at my place. See, Ryan's

always talking about how his mom used to
cook big Sunday dinners for the whole

family. Oh, it's so sweet.

Yeah, well, if he likes cornball, I'll
give him cornball.

I just want him to see my domestic side.

But that side doesn't exist.

I know. That's why you're cooking and
I'm taking the credit.

Here's the menu I prepared.

Oh, okay.

Noisette of lamb pernod, salad nicoise,
potato mayonnaise.

Oh. Sounds simple enough.

Yeah.

Look, Cheryl, I know this sounds like a
lot of work, but I'm totally willing to

help out. Oh, how?

Oh, I thought you were just going to
say, no, no, I got it.

Hey! Hey!

Did you get some rest? I did.

Good, good, because Andy here bought
three bags of candy for the kids.

You're going to have to make them go in
the backyard and dig holes or something

before bedtime.

We want caramel blobs. We want caramel
blobs.

I don't know where they were putting
them all.

Uncle Andy, can we take a picture?

Sure. They love their uncle.

Come on, girls, let's go find a camera.

And some gummy bears.

All right, my young men.

Why don't you go upstairs? It's time to
take a bath.

You sure can, young man. You're only
three at the movies.

And by the way, you did a great job.

Santa's going to hear about it.

Yay!

Jim. What?

You told him to lie to get him in for
free?

Sure I did. And by the way, you did a
great job.

He's a natural. He'll make a great
politician.

Jim, you made our son lie to save two
bucks?

Four, Cheryl.

Four dollars!

You may recognize it as an hour's pay if
you had a job.

Now you got two fights going.

Cheryl, as Piggy said to Mayor Chicken,
no ham, no fowl.

Cheryl, what you did is wrong.

Wrong? Yes.

What kind of wrong, Cheryl?

I submit it's acceptably wrong.

Acceptably wrong? Acceptably wrong. No,
there's no such thing. It's either wrong

or it's right.

Cheryl, there's a whole scale of what's
wrong.

Sure there is. At the top of the scale,
there's really bad things. Like Bible

bad. Oh. Like cannibalism.

Felonies. Anything that would get you
strapped in an old Sparky.

And then the bottom of the scale is, you
know, what you say to women to get them

in bed.

And in the middle, there's a whole ocean
of gray.

Come, Cheryl.

Sail with me.

Cheryl, you're telling me you wouldn't
roll through a stop sign if there was no

one there? You've never done that?

No.

I come to a full and complete stop.
That's the law.

Cheryl, I'm going to heaven just because
I'm married to you.

So you would never, then, ever pour down
old motor oil down a kitchen sink?

Oh, my God.

Oh, relax, Cheryl.

Not our sink.

Jim, Jim.

Why? Kids learn good values by example.

Cheryl. Your little scheme taught him
it's okay to lie. Or it taught them how

the real world works.

I try every day to be a good example for
our children. You know, I can't do it

alone. Why not?

You got nothing else going on?

Okay, so we're back to the other fight.

Oh, those girls. I know they tease me,
but it comes from a place of love.

Hey, I'm going to hit that coffee shop
where all the hot girls come in and

their tea and read.

I think they're going to enjoy a page
-turner called The Andy Man.

How do I look?

Like a king.

happening what's up okay so far all i've
known to get out of principal farrell

is that gracie was caught turning in
homework that was clearly done by

else and you think i did it of course
not it's homework

i wanted you here so she knows how
serious this is i need her to know that

don't approve oh she knows i don't
approve of cheating come on really how

you know that by watching you follow her
so you want to stop at red lights

Hey, girls.

Mr. Farrell, why is Ruby here?

Because we've determined Ruby was the
one who did Gracie's homework.

You've got the good one, too.

Have a seat.

What's going on? Come over here, young
lady.

What's going on here?

How do you know that Gracie didn't do
the work?

Well, our teacher was suspicious when
Gracie's assignment seemed neater and

complete than usual.

But when we thought Gracie'd done the
extra credit questions...

Gracie, you got greedy.

You flew too close to the sun.

I'm sorry, Mommy.

But I thought it was okay because I was
helping Gracie.

No, it's not.

Not even for really good reason. Wrong
is wrong.

Even if it's for your sister? Even if
it's for your sister.

But Aunt David's Mommy's sister, and
Mommy's cooking a special dinner for

tired of talking. Who wants ice cream?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa. Sit down.

What does Aunt Dina have to do with
this?

Mommy's cooking dinner so Aunt Dina can
tell Ryan she cooked it. Because that's

what sisters do.

That's what you said, Mommy.

Well, well, well.

What's happening?

I'll let the wife explain it to you, but
be easy on the girls because they were

led astray.

By someone they trusted.

Cheryl, I've spent a lot of time in a
principal's office.

I've been yelled at. I've been
suspended.

I've been humiliated.

But I have never, ever left a winner.

Until today.

You know what? If I could follow a
hearse on the way home, this would be

best day of my life!

I need to talk to you about my gourmet
meal. Not your birthday. A good time.

What's going on here?

Are the conspirators hatching a little
dark plot to snare a man?

What's on the menu here?

Oh, chili con your boyfriend?

Uh, lasagna?

Kim. Wait a minute. I drove all the way
home thinking of these.

Or for dessert, New York cheese fake?

cooking dinner for me. What's the big
deal?

Tell me, my young bride.

Would you consider this situation right?

Or wrong?

I think I remember somebody telling me
there are no gray areas.

What was her name?

She was a role model.

Jim. No, that's my name.

Just get off her case. No one's getting
hurt.

Really? No one's getting hurt.

A perfectly decent, honest man is being
tricked into believing his girlfriend is

a fantastic cook and no one is getting
hurt?

My God, I love the view up here from
Mount High Ground.

Look, I promise I'll learn to cook
eventually.

You know, when my husband loses his hair
and lets his body go.

So stay out of it, Jim.

Oh, Dana, I don't know. I think Jim's
got a point.

What?

This is wrong. I don't think I can do
it.

Cheryl, Cheryl, even though I think your
scheme is wrong, I'm not saying not to

do it.

Come on, Cheryl, just this once. I need
this dinner.

She's your only sister. Yeah, Ryan's the
one. I can feel it. And he's a doctor.

Come on, Cheryl.

You really think he's the one?

Yeah.

Well, it's not...

exactly right.

But if it's that important to you... No!

Rolling through the stop sign!

No traffic!

I'm speeding now!

Because exactly right is the same as
acceptably wrong?

I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. Were you
saying you're right, old wise one?

Yeah, that was it.

Okay, so you'll cook the dinner and say
that I did it? Yes. Oh, thank you!

And dressed down, I really want to
shine.

But not a word about this to Ryan.

Why would I say anything to him? I'm a
pro.

I work in lies like the Da Vinci Code
works in oils.

Ladies, welcome to the great gray ocean
where wrong floats.

The great gray ocean? I thought you were
on Mount High Ground.

I'm all over the map, baby.

I'm on high ground here. I'm in the
ocean.

I'm in the playground.

I'm on the island.

I'm on the table. I'm in the bed. I'm in
the toilet.

Yeah, how about the living room? I'm in
the living room.

Ah, Doc.

There you go. Thanks.

So, how's work?

I had a tough call to make on Friday.

Yeah, one of my patients, a pregnant
woman, doing eight weeks.

Incompetent cervix.

Ooh.

Did she fire the guy?

Actually, uh... Oh, come on. I know what
the cervix is.

It's the front door to the baby oven.

Okay, let's make this look good. Tie the
apron on me.

Make sure he can still see my butt. I
did two hours on the Stairmaster

yesterday.

Maybe we can tell him that we cooked it
together. Then it's not a complete lie.

Cheryl, this is true love. The only
thing that's going to work is a complete

lie.

Hey,

sorry I'm late.

Things got a little crazy at my Star
Wars club.

Somebody said episode two was better
than episode five. Before you know it,

Chewbacca threw a chair at Jango Fett.

I'll, uh, put your toy with your cloak.

Don't mock the force.

Hello, Kyle.

Uncle Andy, will you do my sticker book
with me?

Well, that depends.

Pens, do you have the guilty stain of
caramel blobs on your hands?

How about you two, huh?

That was a week ago. Get over it.

Hey, why don't you two get over this?

Yeah, that's a bill, ladies, for my dry
cleaners. I will be speaking to your

parents about garnishing your allowance.

We're giving an allowance?

You see where you started?

Okay, everybody.

Dinner's ready.

Hurry up.

Wow,

look at those plates. I know. Doesn't it
look great?

Yeah. You know what?

Before we start to eat, Andy, you know,
a special meal

like this deserves a special toast.

To our hostess, Dana, whose hard work

And special attention that she put into
this meal is almost... What's the word?

Unbelievable!

I know I don't believe it.

That gravy is scalding! Oh, honey, I'm
sorry. My

bad. Why don't you put some butter on
that and shut your gap?

You know, the inspiration for this meal
came when I told Dana how my mom used to

cook traditional Sunday dinners when I
was a kid.

And I really want to thank you, honey,
for recreating it without my mom's quasi

-racist political ramblings.

Anyway,

I've got to tell you that the love and
warmth here, I find it very moving.

Easy on the wine, Doc. You're starting
to blubber.

I did not slave in the kitchen for two
days for nothing.

Let's eat while it's hot.

It's hot, all right. Yep, it's
blistering.

These potatoes are fantastic, Dana.

You really outdid yourself tonight.

What exactly does one put in mayonnaise
potatoes?

Candy? More gravy?

Withdraw.

Yeah, Dana, what do you put in them?

You're going to pour gravy on him?

I start with potatoes, obviously.

And then, um, you know, I can really
taste the onion.

Cheryl, please, I'm talking.

Onion, front and center.

What's that, Gracie? Oh, you'd like to
know how your Aunt Dina made this

wonderful lamb roast? You know what? So
do I. What is that unique spice? Ow!

Are you okay, Jim? Oh, he's fine.

He does that when he likes something.
It's like a James Brown ow.

Yeah, like, ow!

Roast lamb!

Ow!

Ow!

I gotta tell you, I mean, everything is
really, really good. I mean, this whole

meal is just terrific.

I mean, it's just really, you know, and
being here tonight and all this, it's

just, it's really just part of a picture
that I've had in my mind for some time.

And I mean, yeah, you know, I've seen
you.

Dana, as this beautiful, vibrant,
exciting woman, and now to see you here,

know, with your family surrounded by the
people that love you so much, it's

just... You know, I know this is fast,
and I may sound crazy, but

I... Dana, I would just love to see you
as my wife and the mother of my

children.

That's because she buys the cheap stuff.
Who skimps on pudding?

Oh, look, Ryan.

I'm sorry for lying to you. It's not
their fault. They're just trying to

me. Of course they are. You have an
amazing family.

They love you so much.

And I do, too.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. I mean, the fact that you
could manipulate your sister into going

all this trouble for me, that's
incredible.

I've got to say, I've always felt that a
well -crafted lie shows just as much

effort as actually doing something nice.

Here, here, you're all right, Doc.

But, Brian, I don't want our marriage to
be based on lies.

Eleven years is still going strong.

tricking you? I mean, you don't think it
was wrong?

No. I mean, something this right could
never be wrong.

Dana, just tell me you'll marry me.

I will!

I wasn't actually even done yet, but
we're gonna call mom.

Wow! Whoa.

Man, that was...

Quick! Daddy, how come when we lied
about doing Racy's homework, we got in

trouble, but when Aunt Dana lied, she
got engaged?

Well, you know, honey, life doesn't make
sense sometimes.

You want a little piece of pie?

But we're not done with dinner.

Exactly.

But that doesn't make sense.

That's the lesson.

Except you.

I was married.

So she left you.

I've moved on.

Have you?

I know.

Candy, Mom wants to talk to you.

Oh, my God.