All language subtitles for According to Jim s04e09 Poking the Bear

What's with these doctors? They're
always showing off their diplomas. I

it's like, ooh, I finished college. Ooh,
I completed med school.

Ooh, I really know a good framer.

Jim, he's the best fertility doctor in
town, and I find the diplomas

You know what I find reassuring, Cheryl?

Employees must wash hands.

Good morning. Good morning, Dr. Gibson.

Good morning, doctor. I'm Jim. Yeah,
Jim, we met last time. Yeah, I just,

I thought maybe you didn't recognize me
with my pants on.

I looked at your test results. Yes.

And it seems that your sperm count has
increased.

Yes! That's because you stayed away from
alcohol and the hot tub, just like you

said. I even gave up the tighty
-whities.

I'm riding commando right now.

At ease, soldier.

You're really doing great. Oh, thanks.
But even so, the numbers are still well

below what we would like them.

I'm afraid you're going to need to make
a few...

Additional sacrifices.

What else is there to give up? Jim, I'm
talking about frequency of activity.

I think that we know what that means,
Cheryl.

Wink, wink, nudge, boing.

Yes, Jim, thank you for speaking in code
in front of the doctor.

To maximize your chance of getting
pregnant, I'm advising that you refrain

boing.

What?

Except during Cheryl's ovulation window.

That's once a month.

That's impossible.

I mean, look at her.

And that should be your only release.

Are you freaking kidding me?

I gave up the booze, cigars, hot tubs,
bicycle riding, and now I can't do what

God built me for?

Jim, do you have this kind of outburst
often?

No, not really.

Okay, let me ask you this.

How well do you cope with stress?

Very well. Whenever it comes up, I
identify the cause and I yell at it.

When you do that, you raise your blood
pressure and release cortisol into your

bloodstream. Yeah, I like that stuff. It
helps me yell louder.

Jim, it's not good for your count, all
right?

You should do whatever you can to avoid
any kind of outburst.

Well, you know what that means?

A prescription for no Dana.

What's a Dana?

Dana is my sister. She's kind of
sarcastic, and Jim finds her really,

annoying. Really? Yeah.

And she's single, if you're interested.

A month without sex? Honey, that's like
a month without sex!

Jim, I know it seems difficult now, but
the time's going to fly by. Is this a

recent picture because she is fine?

Yes, it is.

Honey, honey, I know you're not happy
about this. No. And neither am I, but we

both want this baby, right?

Yes, yes. No, I want the baby.

I know.

It's so hard, a month.

I know, sweetie.

All right, well, if I'm not going to
release, then you've got to help me.

No more late -night cable viewing.
Right. You've got to comb the newspapers

you know, bra advertisements.

Okay. And you keep Laverne and Shirley
under wraps.

You've got great sperm.

Mel Gibson?

What? He's got like 30 kids.

No, me.

Hey, got you your favorite sandwich.

Oh, my God, Italian beef?

Uh -huh. Double dip with peppers?

Uh -huh. Oh, I am starving.

So, it went well, huh? Oh, yeah, it went
great. Yeah, feeling fantastic? Oh, I

feel the top of the world. Oh, great.

Remember that feeling, because Max is on
his way over with some stupid change to

the model.

Oh, man.

Will you remind me why are we trying to
get this job again?

Because he's loaded and you love money.

Right, right.

Kind of all days for him to come. Why,
what?

My fertility doctor said if I get
stressed, I can't knock up your sister.

Bet Mel Gibson could.

Ellis!

Max!

What? No strippers?

I guess you guys don't want the job.

I'm kidding you. I'm kidding you. Come
on.

I'm on a time crunch here, so let me
look at the new model and point out the

things you did wrong, which is just
about everything.

Oh, thank you.

That's good.

You should have one.

I love the skylights.

Those are air conditioning units.

Could they be Skylight?

Max, Max, please. This is the third
model we built for you.

I know. My kids love playing with them.

Which is why I'm close to hiring you
guys.

How close?

I'm as close to hiring you guys as you
could be to hiring you guys without

actually hiring you guys. I mean... But
I gotta run.

Good talking to you, Kat.

What exactly do you want us to do to
make the model better? See?

Exactly. Make the model better. You're
smart.

You okay?

Yeah. Come on.

I passed that test.

Hey,

you want anything?

You want a coffee? You want a donut?
Anything you want?

Uh, no, no. I'm good. I'm just gonna
start off. a new model for Max.

Uncle Andy and I are trying to do some
work here. Can you kindly settle down?

We're sorry, Daddy.

It's okay, baby. Thank you.

Kids, kids, kids.

Daddy needs some quiet, okay?

Now, who wants to help Mommy and Aunt
Dana bake a cake?

All right.

Wow. And you guys want to try for a
fourth kid?

If I were you, I'd be looking to sell
one of them.

Cheryl, what are you doing in here
wearing that sexy outfit? You're driving

crazy.

Jim, it's a sweatshirt and sweatpants.

Ponytail, ponytail!

Cheryl,

do you want a pole to do that on?

that voice.

Honey, honey, I know it's difficult.
It's hard for me, too.

Oh, yeah.

Coming from the woman who was in the
shower for 45 minutes this morning.

I was pumicing.

Whatever you want to call it, Cheryl.

Oh.

Honey, honey, honey, why don't you guys
just go work in the office? No, no, no.

No, we can't go to the office. Why not?
I can't go to the office because Max

always shows up.

At the office with some stupid idea that
he gets while he's driving a stupid

car. And then we got a stupidly
knotted... Oh, my God, what kind of

that? You are driving me crazy.

It's a dryer sheet. Calm down.

I am calm. I'm trying to be calm. It's
very hard. We haven't been able to do

special monkey hug.

Welcome to my world, Jim.

I haven't hugged a monkey in a long
time.

I don't like this.

I haven't seen you this stressed out
about work in a long time. It's okay.

the money that this job is going to
bring in, this family can use.

No, honey, we're fine.

There's absolutely no reason for you to
kill yourself over this.

Carol, think about it.

We're talking about having a fourth
child, we've got three bedrooms, and all

these kids are going to go to college.
That's expensive.

Please.

Gracie's going to be robbing gas
stations.

Best case scenario, she gets caught and
becomes the state's problem.

I'll get it.

All right, maybe only three of them are
going to go to college, but it's still a

lot of money. I'm going to put later
here.

Max, what are you doing here?

Max, how did you find out where we live?

I got people that know people.

You want to know where Oprah lives?

I'll give you a little hint.

Nowhere near here. That's where she is.

I'm Max. Hey, I'm Jim's wife, Cheryl.

Wow, nice work she is.

Listen, you sneak me some Polaroids,
I'll get them after.

Max, Max, Max, Max, Max. What do you
need, Max?

Well, I'll tell you what. I was out
driving around today, and I think I came

with a great idea.

Oh, let me guess. We throw out the
skylights?

Wrong. I love the skylights.

For another building. But I want you to
put a second floor on this one.

Max, you can't understand me. No, honey,
honey, honey. A second floor means more

money, which is... Good, right?

Right. Money.

Right. Good.

Right.

See, the thing is, I want to hire you
guys, but I got to know you're my kind

people. You know what I mean? Life is
too short to work with people you can't

stand. You get used to it.

So I was thinking that maybe we could
hang out together, you know, and crack a

few cold ones.

How about Sunday?

Oh, Max, I don't know. Sunday is...
Sunday's really for family. Yeah,

That's good. Family is good. You know, I
got two or three myself.

Yeah. Well, that's too bad because now I
don't know what I'm going to do with

these.

Bears, green bait, tickets, and Lambeau
Field?

It's the yard light.

First class trip on my luxury party bus.

Forget it. You got the family.

I don't. I'll die alone.

Me too.

For your Trump family, honey.

Oh, God. It's in our wedding vows.

Well,

then it's set. I guess I'll see you guys
tomorrow morning at nine o 'clock.

Nine.

Cool. Hey, will brunch be provided?

I get a bit peckish around 11.

Yeah. Me too.

Peckish. That means horny, right?

No.

Then I got no idea what you're talking
about, man.

What does he think brunch means?

Doug, you guys are riding on a luxury
bus. Yeah. We made to watch the Packers

-Bears game. And you're sitting on the
50 -yard line. Yes.

Why didn't you get me a ticket?

Because I want to have fun.

Don't worry, sis. I told Max you're a
big Bears fan and would love to come.

did? No, I want to have fun, too.

You guys are jerks. Yeah, jerks with
tickets!

Oh, Cheryl, Cheryl, that's the home game
figure. That's not the away game

figure. Just forget it.

Honey, honey, honey.

If you went on this trip, you could stay
home. Yeah, you know, Cheryl's right.

We all want that fourth child. I should
go in your place.

Cheryl, I'm going to remain calm.

I'm going to be calm.

Come on, I'm going to be surrounded by a
bunch of Bears fans. How much more

relaxing can that be?

Jim? That's Max.

Let's begin our journey on the luxury
bus that Dana won't be on.

We're down, Chicago Bear.

Make every way clear the way to victory.

I know what you're thinking.

Nice bus.

Did we get these guys or what? Brandon,
grab the camera. Grab the camera.

this bus has cheddar in their veins.

Well, then why'd you invite us?

Because winning isn't fun unless you can
rub it in someone's face.

Oh, you must feel like crap.

Brianna, quick, take another picture.

Dana, what are you doing?

Yeah!

Why do I even smile?

Load up! Hello, Christmas card.

Dana, don't you dare!

Oh, shut up!

I'm going to find out if this guy really
does bleed cheese.

No, no, no.

What are you doing?

No. Be cool, man. What are you doing?

Make a fool out of him. Come on. Shh.

I don't like this guy any more than you
do. But we can't kill him until we get

the job.

Or I score with one of these babes.

At least the job's a possibility.

You cannot get on a bus with a bunch of
Packer fans.

Cheryl, I have to. The doctor said you
need to stay calm and not... Lose it.

not going to lose it, okay?

Five hours on a bus full of Packer fans.

Jim, you explode after five minutes in
tight shoes.

Joe, I think I can exercise a little bit
of self -control.

Okay. We haven't had sex in weeks, and I
take a shower, and I don't even pumice.

God, I think I was really pumicing.

It's all right, as long as you were
thinking about me.

That's when you get started. Want a
beer?

I'm not drinking beer out of a Packer's
cozy.

Unless there's a kiss involved.

I carry me.

Where?

And so the dance begins.

Jimmy, let's go. Get on the bus. Come
on.

Jim, I don't like this.

Maybe I can go with you. You know, Dana
could watch the kids.

Cheryl, I'm a big boy now.

Okay? I can handle this.

No, no, no, no, no.

beautiful woman.

Let's go Packers!

Let's go Packers!

Let's go Packers!

Come on, Jimmy, let's go! Let's go
Packers!

Let's go Packers!

Let's go Packers!

Let's go Packers! Well, honey, thank you
for coming. Let's go Packers! I'm

telling you, I would have been fine by
myself. I know.

I know, but you've been doing a lot of
sacrificing for the family, and I can

too. I'm just happy I could be here for
you.

Cheryl, put a rub on my leg.

Let's focus on something else. Close
your eyes and picture yourself in a

of daisies.

Daisies.

Daisies.

Honey?

Do daisies look like boobs?

Then I'm not in the field of daisies.

Seriously, I carry mace.

And yet you haven't used it. I'm seeing
green lights.

Rivers!

Jim, we just crossed the Wisconsin
border, so we're officially in

Let's go!

Love this one.

Okay, here we go.

Silly Sally, what'd you do today?

Silly Sally, what'd you do today?

Did you comb your hair with a... comb?

Okay, okay, and you'd think so, but
Sally is silly, so it's something weird.

A weird comb?

Must be a beer. Yeah.

How's it going with Brianna?

Not good.

No. Her eyes said yes, yes, but her
knees said take that, creepo. Oh.

Just to eliminate any confusion, her
mouth said it too.

Hey, there you guys are.

You guys have been great sports. Have a
day, everybody.

How long are you going to keep this up?

Just until we get the job.

Oh, oh, I've got to tell you, you
already got the job.

Since when?

I decided last week.

Right.

Wait, last week?

What last week? You don't think I can
tell the difference between an air

conditioner and a skylight?

Come on.

No, no, wait a minute. So this whole
exercise on this bus ride was just to

us look like jackasses?

You and your buddies can have a good
laugh. A good laugh. We had a million

laughs.

Tim, it's not worth it.

We'll try for a baby next month.

Really? Yes.

Matt. Yes.

I'm not going to blow up.

But you know what? I have something to
say.

And Andy here is going to say it the way
I mean it.

You're some piece of work.

You are some piece of work!

Nobody talks to me like that. Nobody
talks to him like that!

You know what? If you're not a stand -up
guy, then we don't want to work for you

anyway. You know why?

Because I've made a good living without
you all these years, and I'll continue

to make a good living without you. If
you can't be a stand -up guy through the

years, you gotta keep them shorter, Jim!

Tony's a piece of crap. You, sir!

are a worthless piece of crap.

I'm just speaking for myself now. Your
pasta salad sucks.

Wow.

Anything else?

I don't know. We good?

Spike the cheese head.

I think that's funny, huh?

That's great.

You guys are great.

You're weird cats, but I love you, man.

You're my kind of people.

You still have the job? Of course you
have the job.

Let's start Monday morning. Bring the
plants over. Come on. And by the way,

Brianna is a dude.

Come on, buddy.

You know, honey, I think I know you. I
know I don't know you.

But self -control is very sexy.

Cheryl, you're waking up the beast in
the cellar.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that works.

You do not look sexy at all.

You've got to keep that hat on.