All language subtitles for According to Jim s03e27 Everyone Gets Dumped

Oh, really?

Does it have a guy with a ponytail on
the front?

Yeah.

That's mine.

Hey, come on, no sad faces.

Why don't you go check on the couch?
Maybe there's some money there.

You know, if it's not mine.

Hi.

Hey. Ranger, where you been?

Working. God, I miss unemployment.

That's funny. That's what he used to
call you, Miss Unemployment.

I found a dollar.

Isn't that funny?

I just lost a dollar.

So, guess who I bumped into, an old beau
of yours.

Who? Doug Stephen.

Doug? Get out!

How is he? How does he look?

The truth, or you just want to feel
superior?

Come on, I'm not like that.

fat, bald, and rehab give me anything.

He looks fantastic.

In fact, he kind of, well, sort of asked
me out.

Oh, my God.

Well, isn't that something?

So, uh, wouldn't it be too weird for
you?

Please. We broke up like a million years
ago. Good, because we've been dating

for the last two weeks.

Okay, a month.

And I really, really like him.

Oh, wow.

Good for you.

You know, we should have him over here
for dinner. Oh, yeah, totally.

You know, someday.

You already invited him, didn't you?

Saturday.

Dana, I just don't know if dinner's such
a great idea.

I mean, I'm totally fine with it, but...

You know how jealous Jim gets around my
old boyfriend.

Yeah, he does that victory dance. I got
her. You didn't. I got her. You lose

her.

Fine. I'll ask Jim. If he's okay with
it, then I'm fine. Great. Okay, girls.

Third time's a charm.

There might be some change underneath
Daddy's car seats. Go on.

Jim. What?

They got tiny little hands. I can't get
under them.

Dana is dating one of my old boyfriends,
and she wants to have him over here for

dinner, and I'm fine with it.

But if you feel worried about it at all,
I totally, totally understand.

What's for dinner?

Steak. I'm good.

I got her. You didn't. I got her. You
lose it.

Oh, baby.

Here, here, here, here.

Try that.

Amazing.

You're an artist, you know that?

Well, thank you, Doug.

I do know that, but...

It never hurts to hear it.

Here, try another piece. Oh, I'm sorry.
Five -second rule. Yeah, you can have

that.

Isn't he wonderful? I think Doug's
wonderful.

He's wonderful, isn't he? Yeah, yeah,
wonderful.

Hey, Jim, did you know that Doug has
season tickets to the Cubs?

No kidding.

Yeah, right behind the dugout.

You only have one seat.

No, I have two seats.

Try some of my famous three -bean salad.

Yeah, she gets it at the store.

You know, the Cardinals are coming in
next week. That's going to be a hell of

homestand. You know it, my friend. Hey,
Cheryl, you want to get my buddy here an

ale? Oh, I'd love to. Whatever Doug
wants. It is Doug's world.

Okay, fine. I buy the three -bean salad
at the store, but I add an extra bean.

That makes it four -bean salad.

What's going on with you?

Nothing. Is this about me not letting
you use the grill?

Because we've already been over this.
Man tames fire, not woman.

And yet you send me to relight the pilot
on the water heater.

That's different. That basement's
crawling with spiders.

You know what? You've been acting weird
with Doug all day.

That's not true.

Here's Doug's beer.

Okay, I'm getting the feeling you're
having a problem with Doug. Well, maybe

do. What?

Doug is awesome.

I don't even know why you broke up with
the guy.

I didn't break up with him, okay? He
broke up with me.

Well, well, well.

This all makes sense.

Ken dumped Barbie.

No. Yes. No.

I'm not upset that he dumped me, Jim.
I'm upset that he never told me why.

It was just over. Like that. There was
no closure.

Oh, great. Closure.

Do I have to stay for the rest of this
conversation?

Everything between us was going great.

Yes, I do.

And one day I asked him when I was going
to see him again, and he just said,

don't worry about it.

Life's long.

And I never heard from him again.

Nothing. I had no idea how to process.

Carol, you women are insane about
processing.

You know what? Men just move on.

Are you telling me that when someone
broke up with you, you didn't want to

why? Yeah, I just figured out it was
some personal failure on their part.

Carol,

men don't ask why. They ask what.

Like, what's for dinner?

You never hear them say, why dinner?

I don't understand. No, I do understand.
No, no, I do understand. You have to

let it go.

Yeah, but... The guy dumped you 15 years
ago, Cheryl. Come on. Move on, baby.

Okay, okay.

Fine.

Maybe Doug could be good for Dana.

Well, he could be good for me, too.

Doug's got box seats at the Cubs game.

Yeah, yeah. And you know what?

If things keep going the way they are,
and I'm getting all the signals...

I think he's going to ask me to the game
this weekend.

You know, honey, Wrigley Field is pretty
old. I hear those stands are infested

with spiders.

Don't even joke like that!

Hey.

What? Going to the game with Doug, huh?

Yeah, yeah. It's going to be a good
game.

Don't lend him any money, because you'll
never get it back.

I think it's his treat.

Okay. Well, that's good.

That's what I thought 15 years ago.

Good old Doug said, Hey, Andy, want to
tag along with me and Cheryl? We're

to see Driving Miss Daisy.

I was going to go work out, but I
figured, you know, what's the harm in

one day?

Andy, what is the point? The point, Jim.

As we get to the box office, and guess
who conveniently forgets his wallet? Mr.

Hair Product himself.

He stiffed me. Do you realize how many
times I had to dance for my grandma to

earn that ten spot?

You danced for your grandmother for
money?

That's not the point of the story!

weird message from Doug.

Really? What?

Well, I haven't seen him in a few days,
and when I called him to ask him what

was up for this weekend, he left me this
message back saying, don't worry about

it. Life's long.

What?

What does that mean?

It means he dumped you. I mean, I don't
know.

Come here.

Come here, sweetie. Sit down.

It seems that that's Doug's way of
breaking up with people.

He did the same thing to me, exact
words, life's long, and I never heard

him again.

I don't believe it. Doug dumped me? But
he didn't even give me a reason.

I feel so awkward.

I'm supposed to go to the game with a
guy who broke your heart.

You're not blocking my car, are you?

I've never been to every game at a
homestand before.

You spoil me, Doug.

Ah, well, extra innings, walk -off home
run.

Doesn't get any better than that. Oh,
good stuff.

Good stuff.

I gotta say, you know, last couple
weeks, I've been really having a great

Me too. Yeah.

It's just that, you know, I've been to
games with other guys, but it's

with you.

I mean, you'd get me.

Hey, you want to come in? Oh, no, I got
to get up early.

Yeah, me too, me too. Yeah, very busy,
very, very, very busy.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

Thanks.

So are we going to go to the game
Thursday, the Phillies game?

I'll call you. Yeah, when, Tuesday,
Wednesday?

Hey, don't worry about it.

Life's long.

Couldn't be better.

He's a prince.

Yeah.

He doesn't owe you ten bucks. Yeah.

Hey, Daddy, I found another one of your
dollars.

Keep it.

Why shouldn't I be? It was a good game.

So then, why aren't you boring me
sentences with all the details I don't

about?

No big deal.

It's just a ballgame.

just unwind after a game?

Fine.

Fine, unwind.

Fine.

And then, excuse me, I'm going to go be
alone with my thoughts and soak in the

tub.

Men do, right?

I know, but... Cheryl, I... I just
can't.

Could it be that you're hurting?

And maybe you need closure?

No.

Yes.

I don't know.

I just feel a little emotional right
now, all right?

It feels pretty terrible, doesn't it?

thing that can care what you've got. You
need to process.

Hugs.

Tighter.

I don't want an apple martini. Why can't
I have a beer?

You have to, honey. This is how we
process.

I said...

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Oh.

Ooh, it tastes like jelly beans. Uh
-huh.

See? Okay, now tell us your feelings.

Do I have to? Yes, sweetie. What are you
feeling?

All right.

I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

Mm -hmm. Do you have an overwhelming
urge to get a new haircut?

A little. Mm -hmm.

Andy, get him another martini.

Coming right up. You don't get over a
broken heart without a little liver

damage.

I just don't get it.

My guy takes me to six games.

He pays for everything.

Then he just tosses me aside like what
we had meant nothing.

You know what? You are too good for him.

Oh, I don't know, Cheryl.

I'm going to push too hard.

My God, at the first game, I high -fived
him. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

What were you supposed to do? Guy buys
you a hot dog, you make assumptions.

You know what?

You want to get over him, this is what
you do.

First, you call him on the phone, and
when he answers, you hang up. Then you

it again, and again, and again.

And then, when he finally changes his
number, you drive by his house, and you

spy on him.

Isn't that stalking?

No, no, it's healthy.

Also,

you have to burn something he gave you.

My foam finger?

All right, may as well.

It's not like I'm going to be going to
the Phillies game now.

What if he's with someone else?

Then you go with someone else. And then
when you accidentally bump into Doug,

you snub him in front of the new guy.
It'll drive him crazy.

Hey, hey, hey, I'll go. I'll be your new
friend.

Oh, no.

He'll recognize you. He won't recognize
me. I was a dork back then.

Box seats. They're way too expensive. I
can't afford that. Oh, yes, you can. You

get a broker and you pay what you have
to.

I once spent $300 on a pair of shoes
because I knew I was going to see an ex

with his new girlfriend. And then when I
did, I made sure to compliment her

crappy shoes.

That's good. That's good. Always
compliment the shoes. It shows you're

bigger person.

You know what?

We should all go.

Doug burned all of us. Yeah, he did.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what? We should all
go.

and show him he can't treat us like
dirt. Yeah.

That's right. He can't take a prize like
me and just toss me away.

Woo! You go, girl.

You know, I was really into it till you
said that.

Pardon me. Excuse me. My seat's running.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Doug Stevens as I live and breathe!

What are you doing here?

I have season tickets.

That's right. That's right, because I
came with you and I sat right there.

Hey, Dana. Cheryl. Hi, Doug. This is one
of my friends, Alexander.

Alexander Hamilton.

I got a $10 bill.

Yeah, yeah, we're very close. Best
friends. Best friends, this guy.

Great. This is Oliver. Hi. Hey, Oliver.
How are you, Oliver? Nice to see you,

Oliver. Excuse me.

Good day at Wrigley Field, the friendly
confines.

Hey, Ollie.

Yeah. Nice shoes.

He just stepped in gum.

Yeah.

I'm aware of that.

Now what do we do? Hey, show me off. I'm
your boy toy.

No, no, no.

We have to show Doug we're having a much
better time without him. Yeah, yeah,

Jim. Say something and we'll pretend
it's hilarious and laugh really loud.

Okay, okay.

Okay, I got something. I got something.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

You are such a rock on jerk.

Cheryl, what a catch. You witty, witty
man.

It's not working.

Look at them over there. They make me
sick.

Show me.

But I'm guessing it was more clever than
blah, blah, blah.

Hey, hey, hey, that's mine.

Hey, that's my ball.

Hey, new guy, that's my ball. Give me my
damn ball.

What are you talking about? You know
what I'm talking about.

I should be him. That should be me
sitting next to you. That should be me

you gave the ball to, not the guy you
dumped me for.

This is my wife right here.

We like to do it.

Jim, why don't you just sit down and
chill out, okay?

No, no, you know what?

You will not chill out. Not until
everybody here knows how you treat

That's right, Ollie. You better watch
out because you're next. That's right,

that's right. Today it's fun and
peanuts. Tomorrow you'll be drinking

martinis with your wife and sister -in
-law.

You know what? You want to know why, but
you never will because he's too much of

a wuss to tell you. You're right.

Do you want to know why I ended things
with you?

Yes.

I dumped you because you never let
things go.

You overcompensate for your insecurities
with this obsessive need for

perfection. Dana, you never emerge from
your sister's shadow. And the lack of

maturity comes across as childish
sarcasm. Can't such good looks.

And Jim, you never stop talking.

I don't need to hear your insane
theories. I just want to watch the game.

I don't know the history of ham.

Or why women are like oatmeal.

You're a foolhard.

And this is why men just move on.

Well, we all know why Doug dumped us.

And we've all had time to process.

Who feels better?

Anyone?

Anyone?

I am far too pretty to ever have to hear
why someone breaks up with me.

Childish sarcasm. Yeah, right.

Am I insecure?

Or is he insecure because I'm perfect?

I am, aren't I?

I really wanted that $10.

I'm driving Miss Daisy money that's like
three movies.

I think I've proven that this whole
processing thing is a bunch of crap.

We'll do it my way. We'll forget about
it and move on.

Let's egg his house. Toilet paper! Yeah!

Poopoo on his doorstep! Poopoo!