All language subtitles for According to Jim s03e26 The Marriage Bank

Hey, Daddy? Yes, my dove?

Can we hold umbrellas and jump off the
garage?

No, you can't do that. That's too
dangerous.

Then can we have popsicles?

All right, all right. I see what you're
doing here. You're opening with

something big so you can get something
smaller.

I invented that.

So can we? Absolutely. Well played.

James? Andrew?

I got some good news for you. What? You
and I are spending a glorious weekend at

Fritz Krewer's cabin up in Wisconsin.

Wow, that place is supposed to be great.

How did you get it? Fritz and I ended up
in a high -stakes dice game last night.

You playing craps with one of our
clients?

Craps? Please, we're not roustabouts.

We played a gentleman's game of skill,
Dungeons and Dragons.

Well, you better be careful out in the
woods. You know, it's still nerd season.

It's okay. They give a special vest.

All right, so when are we going?

And don't say next weekend.

Oh, no.

What? Cheryl's never going to go for
that.

Next weekend is when Aunt Kunkka's
coming to visit.

Aunt Kunkka?

Is she the one with the unibrow who
soaks her underwear in the sink?

Yeah, she doesn't trust washing
machines.

Or toothpaste, from what I remember.

So stick with Cheryl. What's the point
of having a wife?

I get to sleep next to a beautiful woman
instead of staying up all night playing

Dungeons and Dragons.

Don't knock it. Try it once. You'll get
hooked.

Yeah? Try mine once. You'll get hooked,
too.

Okay, Cheryl, come on. Come on. Out of
my chair. Out of my chair. You've been

watching TV for an hour. If you wanted
more time, you should have put it in the

wedding vows. Let's go.

Dr. Ted's almost over. It'll be one more
minute.

Yeah, he's about to give us his word of
the day. Now, until tomorrow, I want you

all to think about this word.

Gratitude.

Gratitude.

You know what my word of the day is?

My. My TV, my chair, my remote.

My small word, so much power.

Attention, Chicagoland viewers.

Dr. Ted will be in your area this
weekend for his two -day seminar, making

marriages great.

Oh, my God! Write down that address. We
should go down there and have Dr. Ted

sign our book.

Oh, that's brilliant.

It'll be just like when we met Journey.
Remember, you made out with a security

guard and we were backstage in no time.

What?

Oh, just the once, honey.

If you really want to see Dr. Ted, why
don't you just sign us up for a seminar?

I'm serious.

What, you want to spend the weekend at a
marriage seminar?

Well, why? Why is it so odd that I want
to work on our marriage?

What?

Well, Jim, it's on a weekend, and you
have to get up early.

And shower.

And change who you are.

Fine, if you want to talk me out of it,
that's just fine. No, no, no, no, no,

no. I mean, if you're serious, then I'm
going to call and get his tickets before

you change your mind.

Oh, Cheryl, get me a ticket, too.

Oh, Dana, it's a marriage seminar,
and... If

you like the journey story,

ask her about Whitesnake.

And Def Leppard.

And Debbie Gibson.

Jim, you beautiful, sensitive man.

Oh, I didn't think I knew you, but come
on, you don't know me. You don't know me

at all. Come here. No, no, no, get away
from me.

That little performance just bought me a
fishing trip to Wisconsin.

How? Well...

I just made a deposit in what I call the
marriage bank.

I deposit something Cheryl wants, a
seminar, and I withdraw something I

fishing trip.

Nice.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're going to make Cheryl babysit Aunt
Kunkka?

Well, it is a big check, but I just
covered it.

Oh, honey.

It's so great that you suggest this. I
mean, you already have such a good

marriage, but anything good can always
be better.

Well, then why do you get so upset when
I put ketchup on your meatloaf?

There's already ketchup in it.

Oh, yeah, you're here because your
marriage is so great.

Hey! Hey!

What are you guys doing here? Well, you
know how much I love Dr.

Ted, but as the darling of every 80s
hairband reminded me, I'm still single,

I got me a husband.

As if she could ever trap this piece of
man's steak.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dr.

Ted.

Are you people ready

to say things right?

Yeah, give yourself a big round of
applause.

Thank you very much. You know, during my
many years of counseling couples, I

have uncovered the hidden danger in
every marriage.

It's in my new book, Making Good
Marriage is Great, available in the

.95.

And I have given this danger a name.

And I call it, Tova, please, the
marriage

bank.

Now, the marriage bank is a place where
couples deposit and withdraw favors.

Now, the thinking is, I will only do
something for you if you do something

for me. Now, is that starting to sound
familiar to some of you people? Raise

your hand if it does. Raise your hand.
Come on, folks.

I thought we were here to set things
right.

Yeah. The key to a successful marriage
is to avoid tit -for -tat behavior.

Now, where does this... I'm so glad we
don't do that.

I'm just glad I don't even know what the
hell he's talking about.

Oh, honey.

Thank you so much for going to that
seminar with me.

Oh, you're welcome. Maybe you don't have
to thank me or, you know, do anything

in return.

Oh. Because I just want to set things
up.

Yeah, honey, it's set things right.

That, too. That, too.

I love you.

Love you more.

Crap!

Now I can't trade that seminar in for a
fishing trip.

Hold on a second.

Did you see how proud Cheryl was of you?

Yeah, so?

So, Jim, the deposit's been made. You
just have to be creative about how you

make that withdrawal.

You have my attention. Continue.

If I bring up the fishing trip now...

If I bring up the fishing trip

now in front of her, she'll think it's a
brand new idea.

And she'll still think that you wanted
to go... And she'll still think you

wanted to go to the seminar just because
you love her.

You know, Andy?

If you didn't have such a long history
of being an idiot, I'd say you were a

genius.

Follow my lead. I'll follow it.

Hey, honey.

I brought you a beer for no other reason
than I love you. Oh, you are so sweet.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Go up to your place this weekend.

You, Fritz Krewer, go up to your cabin.

Up on the Iron River in Wisconsin next
weekend?

Well, I'll tell Jim, but there's no way
he's going to pass up this golden

opportunity.

You're never going to guess.

Fritz Krewer invited us to use his
fishing cabin in Wisconsin next weekend.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Next weekend?

Rats!

That's the weekend my Aunt Kuka is
coming to visit. But Jim, come on. No,

Andy. No, no, no, no, no. This is not
fair to Cheryl. And our marriage is more

important than a once -in -a -lifetime
fishing opportunity up in Wisconsin.

Closed.

You know, honey... Yes, my young bride?

You love to fish.

You should go.

I mean, you did this whole marriage
seminar for me, right?

Honey, Dr. Ted said we should avoid any
tit -for -tats in a marriage.

I don't expect anything in return for
letting you go.

I mean...

Did you expect anything from me for
going to this seminar?

Well, Cheryl, yes.

An even better marriage.

Oh, honey!

Look at you two!

Boy, did I marry the wrong sister.

In the garden of marriage, you harvest a
salad of love.

Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.
Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Maybe they're not there yet.

Thank you. Thank you. Guys, we're going
to take a quick 10, and then we're going

to do a fun little exercise on intimacy.

Ooh, intimacy.

Well, I hope you're wearing your good
underwear.

All that talk about salad put me in the
mood for a burger.

Give somebody a 10 -minute break. Can
you really find a burger that fast?

Sounds like a challenge to me. Oh.

That T -shirt looks great on you.

Of course, it'd look a lot better off
you.

What are you doing?

We're married.

It's okay. I told her we're swingers.

No, we're not.

We are a loving couple. We have adorable
twins, Max and Maddie, and we listen to

books on tape in our hybrid vehicle, and
he makes me laugh and laugh.

Stop it. Just stop it.

a divorce, all right?

These walls are closing in on me. This
birdie's gotta fly!

Fine! But I'm telling our mother that
you are the worst husband ever!

We have different fathers, so it's cool.

Can you believe that jerk?

Well, to be honest, I'm kind of
surprised you got him to come at all.

We made a deal.

I said I'd house -sit for him while he's
fishing in Wisconsin.

They didn't find out about that trip
till last night.

Sure they did.

No, no, I was there when they got the
call.

That's weird.

No.

No, it's not.

I bet you knew about that when you
offered to do the seminar with me.

Because he loves me. My ass!

You got all that from that one little
thing I said?

I've been married to Jim for a long
time. The one thing that always trips

is timelines.

Well, that and Velcro.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to make a good marriage, petty
and vindictive.

Okay,

okay. I got my burger.

Well, what was my time?

I wasn't timing you.

What? Well, why did I buy you that nice
watch?

Oh, you mean my Folex?

Well, I can't take it back. The guy
drove away.

So, I must be pretty excited about that
fishing trip.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, I am. Although, you
know what? I'm going to miss you as I

do. Oh, you sweet.

Okay, people, breaks over time to do -si
-do, huh?

So grab your partner, line up in front
of some piece of equipment. As you see,

what we got here set up is what I like
to call the love walk.

Now, the love walk is a trust exercise
because one of you is going to be

blindfolded, and you are going to have
to trust your partner to lead you

this course using only words, no
touching.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, no, no, no, no, honey. You know
what? We're not going to be very good at

this. I mean, touching is my best thing.

And listening is way low on the list.

Look, you know what? Why don't we start
with you? You start. No.

I insist, honey. You go first.

All right. All right.

Oh, come on. Oh, nice.

Hey, you nervous?

Well, yeah. I mean, I can't see a darn
thing. Well, you don't have to be

nervous. You know you can trust me.

Just like I know I can always trust you.

Okay, I'll take one more step.

No touching.

Okay.

Okay, one more step.

One more. Okay, then step up and over,
over, up, up, over.

Great. Yes, I did it. I did it. I did
it.

This is good.

Let me ask you something. Let's keep
walking.

What prompted you to take this seminar
with me? Oh, lots of things, honey.

Unselfish love being one of them. Oh,
it's so sweet.

All right, go ahead, honey.

Step. Step.

My bad.

I'm sorry, I meant to say ramp.

I'm sorry.

I hurt you. I know, baby, but you're
good. You're good. Okay, look, now you

clear sailing, okay?

I trust you. I know, honey, and you
should.

You're good, see?

You're doing so great, honey.

There's only one guy who's actually
faster than you, but in your defense,

much younger.

Please. Anybody want to trade?

Put your arm down.

All right. How did you figure it out?
How do I always figure it out?

Damn. Timelines.

I don't believe you.

You didn't come here out alive. You just
wanted to stick me with your creepy

Aunt Kunkka. Okay, fine. It's obvious
you're in one of your moods. So why

we just cut our losses and go home? No.

No. You want to go fishing? You are
staying here till the end. This marriage

bank check hasn't cleared yet.

Fine. But I don't need your help. I'm
one -sixteenth Cherokee. I'll let the

voices of my ancestors guide me.

See?

focus on Jim and Cheryl right back here.

Everybody, I want you to take a look at
this man.

Thank you.

No matter how many times his wife led
him into a wall or just abandoned

him, he dusted himself off and tried to
set things right with his

marriage.

Let's give Jim a big hand.

come here for applause. I came here to
work on my marriage, and the sad things

rise!

Shame on you, Cheryl. Shame.

And shame on you, Jim, for being such a
doormat.

Oh, you've got a real problem, friend.

You're going to have to find out what it
is you want.

Jim is going to have to find out what
Jim loves.

That Jim doesn't get to do anymore.

Jim likes to fish.

I am not taking care of your ink,
Kunkel, while you go fishing.

Looks like Cheryl the accountant is
trying to cook the books in the marriage

bank.

She does that a lot.

I bet she does.

People, this man... is what I like to
call one half of a good marriage. Now,

many of you agree with me?

What upsets me most?

You embarrassed me in that seminar.

You only went because you wanted
something in return.

Gerald, it's the way of the world.

No. Everybody does it, including you.
Oh, I do not.

Really? How come every time you feed me
lasagna, all of a sudden we're going

antique shopping?

You throw some noodles and meat on my
plate, and then we're looking at dead

people's furniture.

Well, that is just a coincidence. Oh,
really? Really? Is it a coincidence that

every time you put on your cheerleading
outfit, I end up going to some co -ed

baby shower or a wedding or someplace
you're going to show me off at?

Fine.

Fine. Maybe once in a while I do the
marriage bank thing.

You happy?

Well, I'm not happy, but I'm a lot more
smug than I was a minute ago.

This is so sad.

I thought we were better than this.

I certainly thought I was better than
this.

Well, you're not.

You know what?

We're not.

But who cares, Cheryl?

This works.

We've got a good marriage.

I know.

It doesn't mean anything coming from my
husband.

I really wanted to hear from Dr. Ted.

Why? Dr.

Ted doesn't love you like I love you.

In fact, he doesn't really even like
you.

Come here. Come over here. Oh.

Come on. I have a little intimacy
exercise we could try.

Okay.

You know, I'd love to.

But first...

You have to mow the lawn.

Cheryl, you can't trade sex for lawn
care.

Why not? I traded it for this house.

That was a good trade.

Hey, pick up the kids.

Steak for dinner.

Take out the garbage. Carrot cake for
dessert.

Done. Love you. Love you more.