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Previously on According to Jim... So,
you guys want to be in a commercial?
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00:00:04,220 --> 00:00:05,220
Yeah!
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Come on, Cheryl, this is an opportunity
of a lifetime.
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There's nothing I'd love more than going
on a cruise. Well, then let's do it!
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I'm not an actor.
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Don't worry.
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I have enough talent for the both of us.
No. No, no, no, no, no. We need to get
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Cheryl a better husband.
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She's got to go.
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Chad, this is my husband, Jim. And Jim,
this is Ted.
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He plays my husband.
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Some guys get pretty uptight standing
around watching their wife kiss a good
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look. Wait a minute. They're going to
kiss?
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Hey, handsome.
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Hey. Hey.
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00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:42,960
Well, Cheryl, I've done it. What?
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I've officially spit in all five of the
Great Lakes and two oceans.
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Oh, yeah.
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That's a great story at the dinner
table.
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You know, really, don't tell that story
again.
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I'll tell you.
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00:00:55,460 --> 00:00:58,360
You drop the kids off at the Oceaneers
Club? Yeah, they didn't even say
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Hang up a sign that says, no parents
allowed, and suddenly they can't become
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Vegas for kids.
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You know, I missed you.
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Oh, yeah?
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I did.
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Look at that.
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Two kisses in one day.
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Boy. Sure, giving them out freely,
aren't you?
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Ted, me.
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You know, I can get goofy down here if
you really feel generous.
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I knew it.
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You're upset about me kissing Ted. I
told you, I'm fine with it.
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I'm fine. I'm as fine as a fine wine.
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Which, by the way, tonight, easy on the
wine? Oh, come on. I'm telling you.
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Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt.
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Yeah, but we saw you shooting the
commercial today, and you and your
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make a great couple. Oh, boy, thank you.
But actually, that wasn't my husband.
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This is my husband. Right here.
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And she's funny, too.
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Good night.
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Still fine.
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Okay.
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Oh, baby.
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What is Ted doing here? I don't know,
but be nice.
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I am nice.
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Okay, maybe I didn't make myself clear.
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Don't be an ass.
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Hello,
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everybody. Look, it's lovely.
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Well, hi.
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Hi.
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Ted's here.
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Isn't that great? Yeah. That's great,
isn't it? Yeah, it's great.
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So, Jim, did you get a chance to take in
the sights while I was working?
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With our wife?
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Yes, I did, actually.
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00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:53,420
I went to the southernmost point of the
United States, and I mooned Castro.
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Well, I guess the ball's in his court
now.
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00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:02,200
Wow. No chair for the Andy man, huh?
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00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,780
No, no, no, no. We can work this out.
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Cozy. So, Ted, how did you get into the
acting game? Well, I was a camp
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counselor for special needs kids, and we
did a mid -summer night's dream.
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I caught the bug.
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00:03:31,140 --> 00:03:33,120
Oh, that must have been so rewarding.
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I went to camp.
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00:03:36,660 --> 00:03:38,860
Yeah, and it was this big swimming hole,
right?
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00:03:39,390 --> 00:03:42,250
And I would do cannonballs that would
bring birds out of the sky.
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Well, we didn't have a swimming hole.
Most of the kids were confined to
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wheelchairs. Oh, boy, you missed out.
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00:03:54,510 --> 00:03:56,050
Hi, what will we be drinking this
evening?
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00:03:56,330 --> 00:04:00,130
Oh, Jim, how about a nice bottle of
Chardonnay, huh? I'll take a look at the
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00:04:00,130 --> 00:04:01,130
wine list.
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00:04:01,230 --> 00:04:04,690
I once played a snotty wine to it in an
Alton Twins movie.
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00:04:04,950 --> 00:04:06,950
I saw that. You were snotty.
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Thank you very much.
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00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:15,920
Andy, good work out there today.
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00:04:17,959 --> 00:04:19,959
You'll find that I'm good at a lot of
things.
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00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:27,360
What do you say later we go test the
stabilizers out on this ship?
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Andy, I'm gay.
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00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,280
Oh, I didn't know.
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It just happened.
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00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:43,200
What's with this tent guy?
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Huh? You've been working all day. I
haven't seen Cheryl. Now I gotta share
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with Ted. I'm sorry.
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My boss insisted. I couldn't do anything
about it.
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Look, why don't you come by the set
tomorrow? Hang out.
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00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:56,670
You got a part for me?
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00:04:57,570 --> 00:04:59,830
No. It's this bartender thing.
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00:05:00,690 --> 00:05:01,690
I can play bartender.
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00:05:02,090 --> 00:05:03,190
I can play bartender. No.
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00:05:03,430 --> 00:05:04,430
Come on, Dina.
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00:05:04,870 --> 00:05:07,790
If it wasn't for me, Cheryl wouldn't be
here right now. You owe me.
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00:05:08,310 --> 00:05:10,810
Let me play the bartender. Let me play
the bartender. Let me play the
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00:05:10,850 --> 00:05:12,990
What? I'll see what I can do.
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00:05:13,470 --> 00:05:14,630
You better not embarrass me.
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That really hurts my feelings.
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Since when do I embarrass people?
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00:05:19,770 --> 00:05:20,770
I haven't embarrassed anybody.
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00:05:22,670 --> 00:05:23,890
Hey, bread guy. Bread guy.
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Yeah, just throw me a roll, would you?
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Ow!
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Hey, Cheryl.
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How's it going?
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Hey, oh, fine.
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I'm just having a little trouble waking
up.
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It's taken care of.
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Thank you, Dana.
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As I was getting the director new
underwear, I thought, how could this job
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possibly get more demeaning?
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00:05:52,130 --> 00:05:55,930
Get Cheryl a coffee with skim milk. No,
he doesn't have to do it. Actually, I'll
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have one, too.
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Oh, and some croissants.
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Oh, chocolate for me.
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00:06:02,510 --> 00:06:03,510
Yeah,
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00:06:04,930 --> 00:06:05,930
would you warm him up?
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I like this. It's like having our own
little helper monkey. Yeah, he's my
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I said that without giggling.
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You're the bartender?
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No, I'm Esteban.
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From Albania.
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Is that a mustache?
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You like it?
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I did it myself. I don't know why, I
just thought Esteban would have one.
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Okay,
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bartender pours two drinks.
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Happy couple, smiles and toasts.
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Is that a mustache?
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Yes. I made it myself.
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I thought Esteban would have one.
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Good.
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00:06:58,020 --> 00:06:59,340
I play harmonica.
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00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:01,500
Is there any way we work that in?
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00:07:01,900 --> 00:07:02,900
Harmonica?
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00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:04,780
And action.
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00:08:01,070 --> 00:08:02,330
I thought Esteban would do something
like that.
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00:08:04,030 --> 00:08:05,870
I like what you're doing. Thank you.
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00:08:07,010 --> 00:08:09,630
But can you bring it down a little?
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00:08:10,330 --> 00:08:11,430
Sure, sure. How much?
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To just handing them the drinks.
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Sorry.
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00:08:18,470 --> 00:08:19,730
Thought you wanted it to be good.
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00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,220
It's showbiz talk, Cheryl.
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Ted, tell her.
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00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:09,940
That's a new one to me, Esteban.
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00:09:13,260 --> 00:09:16,760
Chip, Chip, can I talk to you for a
second? I'm working here. No, no,
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problem with your wardrobe.
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Really? What's the matter?
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00:09:20,180 --> 00:09:21,820
You're in it, and they want it back.
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00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:26,220
You firing me? Good guess.
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00:09:26,540 --> 00:09:27,519
I'm Dana.
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00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:28,800
Dana. No, no, no, no.
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00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,440
Dana wanted me to handle it. Besides,
she already got to fire you, and I
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my shot, so let's go.
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I'm not going anywhere with you, no.
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Make me.
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I missed you very much.
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00:10:21,940 --> 00:10:22,940
Hey.
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00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,300
Well, hello, movie star. You know.
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00:10:25,660 --> 00:10:27,280
Would you like to have a drink with your
husband?
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00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:28,580
You know, I would.
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Have you seen him, Esteban?
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00:10:30,860 --> 00:10:32,520
Hey, hey, look who we have here.
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00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,080
Hey. It's my wife and her husband.
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That's a good one, Ted.
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You're everything. You're like an actor,
comedian, magician.
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You're a jackass of all trades, huh?
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00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,200
Okay, come on.
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00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,440
Okay,
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now this is just for the dads.
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We're going to play the Mexican hat
game.
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00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:23,520
Okay, bye -bye.
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00:11:24,580 --> 00:11:27,740
Okay, now what I'd like is for you to
form a circle for me, please.
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00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:33,340
Okay, and here's how it's going to work.
When I say one, take the hat from your
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right and put it on.
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00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:38,580
When I say two, take the hat to your
left and put it on. And when the music
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stops, you don't have a hat. You're out.
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Vamonos.
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Okay, here we go.
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Two to the left.
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Two to the left.
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00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:52,460
Two to the left.
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00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:56,600
One to the right. And stop. Who doesn't
have a hat?
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00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:17,160
It says here they're making flubber in
the Oceaneers Club.
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00:12:17,420 --> 00:12:19,000
Nah, we like the ladder.
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00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,400
Hey, Goofy's doing calisthenics
poolside.
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Nope, ladder.
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Maybe I should build you a ladder when
we get home.
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00:12:28,740 --> 00:12:29,820
Uh -uh, we like this one.
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00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,160
Hey. Hey.
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00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,520
Listen, girls, Daddy and I need to talk.
Would you mind closing the curtain?
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00:12:46,890 --> 00:12:49,510
If you're going to seduce me, the girls
are right there.
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But we'll keep it really quiet.
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00:12:52,910 --> 00:12:54,010
What is with you?
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00:12:54,570 --> 00:12:55,610
What? What?
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00:12:55,870 --> 00:12:58,550
You said you're okay with this Ted
thing, and next thing I know, you're
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him out.
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00:12:59,290 --> 00:13:01,910
I didn't punch him out. He ran into my
elbow.
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00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:04,290
For God's sake.
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00:13:04,630 --> 00:13:06,050
What? Are you guys fighting?
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00:13:06,390 --> 00:13:07,390
No, honey.
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00:13:07,470 --> 00:13:10,030
Now you're confusing me because I
thought we were fighting.
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00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,480
God, his nose is not broken, and I think
we can cover up the bruise with makeup,
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00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:51,260
but my boss is not happy. Yeah, well, to
be fair, I don't think she was a happy
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00:13:51,260 --> 00:13:52,260
person to begin with.
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00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:53,840
Come on, girls.
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00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,460
We need you on camera in a half an hour.
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00:13:57,820 --> 00:14:02,020
And, Jim, I may not make it to Haiti,
but I have the rest of my life to make
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00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:04,760
pay for this week, and I'm going to
start by giving you this dirty look.
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00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:08,799
That's right.
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00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:09,800
Get used to it.
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00:14:20,910 --> 00:14:23,130
You're going to actually do this? You're
going to actually kiss this creep?
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00:14:23,410 --> 00:14:24,389
Yes, Jim.
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00:14:24,390 --> 00:14:25,369
I am.
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00:14:25,370 --> 00:14:26,370
Because I have to.
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00:14:26,590 --> 00:14:29,750
Because we're here on this free cruise
that you talked me into.
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00:14:30,110 --> 00:14:33,930
And then, and then they fired you. And I
wanted to leave, but you said, no, no,
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00:14:33,970 --> 00:14:36,930
stay. So I did. And then, and then they
brought in this husband, and I thought,
220
00:14:36,970 --> 00:14:37,689
you know what?
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00:14:37,690 --> 00:14:40,790
That's going to be kind of weird. But
you said, no, no, honey, I'm fine with
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00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:55,280
than some other guy.
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00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,920
Especially when there's an exchange of
monies.
224
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,580
You are being completely unreasonable.
225
00:15:02,220 --> 00:15:03,220
Yes.
226
00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:05,060
That's me.
227
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,920
I don't know why you're so surprised.
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00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,180
You know who you marry.
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00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,400
Yeah. And so do you.
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00:15:14,540 --> 00:15:17,440
What do you mean? Hey, Cheryl. Ready for
some make -out? I mean, make -up.
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00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:18,440
Sorry, Joe.
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00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:31,540
This is just killing me.
233
00:15:32,620 --> 00:15:37,720
Jim, just maybe this one time, it's not
about you.
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00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:47,760
It's not about me?
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00:15:49,980 --> 00:15:52,660
Andy, one of the extra kids threw up.
Can you get up here with him, Mom?
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00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,080
Well, it sure as hell isn't.
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00:16:09,770 --> 00:16:13,290
It's the big moment. We've had the best
vacation ever. We're holding hands.
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00:16:13,490 --> 00:16:14,490
We're in love.
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00:16:14,770 --> 00:16:17,230
Remember, we're on Disney's magical
island.
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00:16:17,770 --> 00:16:21,170
Oh, Cheryl, where do you think you're
going? I've got to talk to Cheryl for a
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00:16:21,170 --> 00:16:23,850
minute. No, sorry, Jim. No can do. Fine.
242
00:16:24,690 --> 00:16:26,690
Well, if you're going to make me sit out
here in the sun, at least give me some
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00:16:26,690 --> 00:16:27,690
sunscreen.
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00:16:27,970 --> 00:16:29,510
All right, all right, fine.
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00:16:32,850 --> 00:16:33,850
Cheryl!
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00:16:35,410 --> 00:16:36,410
Cheryl!
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00:16:36,590 --> 00:16:39,250
Cheryl, I do know who I married. I want
you to kiss him if you have to.
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00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:42,080
Cut.
249
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:44,240
I believe this.
250
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:48,780
Jim, all next week I'm coming to your
work and I'm ruining things. What are
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00:16:48,780 --> 00:16:49,579
doing here?
252
00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:50,580
Where is Cheryl?
253
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,200
She didn't want to do the kiss scene.
254
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:56,240
Really? She played the sister card. What
could I do?
255
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,680
I was a good guy and I got my own way.
Yes!
256
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,580
Where is my lovely wife? Probably
looking for you.
257
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,880
Oh, so she didn't want to do the kiss,
huh? I take that, pretty boy.
258
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:08,940
Jim, could you just leave?
259
00:17:10,810 --> 00:17:13,650
Do I still have to... No, the cruise is
still free.
260
00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:16,270
Yes! This really is a magical island.
261
00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:21,450
Okay, and... Action!
262
00:17:22,569 --> 00:17:24,609
And we're leaning in for the kiss.
263
00:17:24,849 --> 00:17:26,930
And romance, romance, romance.
264
00:17:27,690 --> 00:17:28,690
And...
265
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,840
or was that kid special?
266
00:17:43,940 --> 00:17:44,940
Dana, I'm a professional.
267
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,720
When I'm on the job, my main focus is...
Drinks later?
268
00:17:47,940 --> 00:17:48,940
Oh, God, yes.
269
00:17:51,300 --> 00:17:52,300
Nice job.
270
00:17:52,820 --> 00:17:53,659
Drinks later?
271
00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:54,660
Oh, God, yes.
272
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:57,760
Hey, great work today.
273
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,100
Thank you.
274
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:00,540
So, drinks later?
275
00:18:00,820 --> 00:18:01,840
Oh, God, yes.
276
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:06,800
Hey, sis.
277
00:18:06,860 --> 00:18:07,960
Thanks for the free trip.
278
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:11,150
Hey. Thanks for taking my crap all week.
No problem.
279
00:18:11,810 --> 00:18:14,590
By the way, I've been spitting in your
coffee the entire cruise.
280
00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:19,310
Please, I knew you'd do that, so I've
been switching it with your coffee.
281
00:18:21,250 --> 00:18:22,250
Damn it!
282
00:18:22,510 --> 00:18:23,790
I drank my own spit.
283
00:18:45,260 --> 00:18:46,260
Pretty. Yeah.
284
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:56,460
You know, I went to the shoot trying to
find you and tell you that it's okay
285
00:18:56,460 --> 00:18:57,980
that you kissed him.
286
00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:00,400
And I really meant it this time.
287
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:02,560
I wasn't going to lie or anything.
288
00:19:03,980 --> 00:19:06,260
But you weren't there.
289
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:07,520
You didn't do it.
290
00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:09,640
What? No.
291
00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:14,820
Call me old -fashioned, I only want to
kiss my unreasonable husband.
292
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:17,880
Okay.
293
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,120
New rule.
294
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,240
Only one husband.
295
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,220
Yeah, fine, but you know, Tim, you
didn't have to hit Tim. Oh, it was an
296
00:19:23,220 --> 00:19:26,320
accident, honey. I'm very competitive. I
wanted that hat. I didn't want to get
297
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:27,360
kicked out in front of the kids.
298
00:19:28,020 --> 00:19:30,580
It's our last night on the ship. We
really want to get into this one.
299
00:19:31,620 --> 00:19:32,620
Right, you're right.
300
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,760
We'd save it for the plane. I didn't
bring a book.
301
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,720
You know...
302
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:42,160
I do know who I'm marrying.
303
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:44,460
Yeah. I love you.
304
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:49,040
Me too.
305
00:19:50,860 --> 00:19:52,040
And death.
306
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,040
Look, it's the first star. Make a wish.
307
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:12,400
Well, I don't see it. Would you just go
with me on this and make a wish?
308
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:21,840
What do you wish for?
309
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:26,220
I wish that we'd be together forever and
we'd always be this happy.
310
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:28,520
How about you?
311
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,440
Not too much. You know what I always
wish for.
21508
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