All language subtitles for According to Jim s03e14 House for Sale

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing?

I came to see Cheryl.

Well, are you going to come in?

Nah, I'm just not in the mood for you
this morning.

I'd rather wait till you're gone.

Oh.

Okay.

Run a little late. It's going to be like
an hour or something.

I'm cool.

Okay.

Have a good one. You too.

I am just exhausted. My stupid
neighbor's dog started barking at 7 .30

morning. Can you imagine?

7 .30.

Yeah, let's see. By 7 .30, I have
everybody up and dressed. I've made

lunches and cleaned somebody's vomit off
of something.

And I had to lie there for a whole hour
before I could go back to sleep.

And that's how a male seahorse
fertilizes its eggs.

Did you see that the Millers across the
street are selling their house?

What? The Millers? Wait, refresh my
memory. Did they hate you?

No, but to be fair, they never really
knew me.

Oh, I love that house.

I would kill to have that kitchen. Can
you imagine having granite countertops

and vaulted ceilings with skylight? Oh,
come on. That house isn't that great.

I mean, probably no one ever uses that
screening room they have.

I'd never leave the house if I had that.

Or a woman.

Do you know their master bedroom has a
fireplace and their bathtub is a spa?

Oh, it is perfect.

Oh, come on, perfect. Do they have a
wine cellar like we do?

A case of beer under a ping pong table
is not a wine cellar. We're talking

the cool room in the corner of the
basement.

Yoo -hoo -hoo!

Anybody to home?

Is that...

Wait for me. Save yourself.

What are they doing here? I thought we
got rid of them. We're good.

I know it. Then I ran into Cindy at the
market this morning, and she kind of

said it'd be great to get together.

And you said?

I said no.

And in my head.

Although out loud, I may have said
that'd be great. You were nice to her?

Well, excuse me for being polite. That's
how I was brought up. Give me a break.

We had the same parents, and I...

save yourself, there's usually a little
back and forth.

Contact lens. Thank you, everyone, for
helping me. Oh, great.

They're so expensive, you know. So, Tim,
Cindy, everything.

Well, Tim, tell them how the hot tub
business is doing.

It's bubbling over.

Oh, boy. I think I just peed a little.

So, Jim, how's the construction
business? Oh.

A high crew cut off his own arm in order
to escape.

I get it now.

Okay, enough witty banter. Let's get
down to beeswax.

We have some big, important news.

Okay, honey, let me tell them. No, I
want to tell them. No, me.

No, me.

Why don't you two just tell each other
in the car on the way home?

Pass the sunscreen, honey. We're getting
burned.

Okay, all right. On our way over here to
see our best friend, we...

read to chat or watch our stories,
borrow a cup of sugar?

Uh -oh.

Did I just hear someone say they needed
some sugar? Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Three bags full.

Wow.

And all because Cheryl ran into them at
the market.

Isn't life funny? I think I just peed a
little.

In 90 seconds exactly, we're going to
begin Operation Scare the Hell Out of

Devlin so they don't live across the
street.

Everyone, circumcise your watches.

Synchronize. Will you please not get in
the way of my technical planning?

Andy, you got a brick to throw through
the window? I couldn't find a brick, but

I got something even better. Good.

Oh, for the record, I still think my
plan was bad.

I am not getting up at 3 in the morning
to make crop circle.

All right, let's go.

And take it up a little higher?

Would the brakes be working in that car?

Hey, we're back.

Oh, hey, Cheryl.

I've been studying feng shui, and you
and Jim wouldn't fight as much if you

rid of that big, awful TV.

You want to bet?

Yeah, you know what? We're not really
feng shui people.

Oh, I'm a narrow -minded westerner. I
don't believe in something that's been

around for thousands of years. Yeah,
whoops, my mind was open a crack. Better

shut it.

Speaking of crack, um... You know, this
neighborhood's got a little bit of a

crime problem.

What?

Oh, my God! It's gang activity!

Gang?

Look! An omelet pan!

Well, that's not just any omelet pan.
This is the calling card for the Maple

Street Gang.

That is so scary.

And it might be someone's wedding
present.

Well, I guess it's better that you know
about this neighborhood's ugly secret

before you put an offer on that house
across the street. Oh, those ruffians

don't scare us. No, the Timinator
understands the gang mentality.

He played Riff in West Side Story.

So you still want to put an offer in on
that house?

Oh, absolutely.

As long as you two are here, it's still
a desirable neighborhood.

What do you think of crop circles?

They scare you out of it. Look what they
did to me.

This is the work of the Maple Street
Gang.

And they spray painted their name on the
Devlin's van.

We don't have a van.

We do.

And I'm sure they're very sorry about
it.

Feel free to look around, but just know
that I counted every beer in that

refrigerator.

Well, my dear, we're having an open
house. That's what you do when you put

house on the market.

What? Just relax.

We're not really selling the house. But
if we get the devils to think that we're

moving, then maybe they won't buy the
house across the street.

What if somebody makes an offer?

It is so overpriced. Who's going to pay
that?

Whoa. Yeah.

Who's the sexy genius?

Russell Crowe, but that is a good plan.
It is, isn't it?

Say it ain't so, Jim.

You're moving?

Aw. I'm afraid so. You know, I got a
sudden job opportunity that I just

pass on. Where?

Alaska.

Right, Cheryl?

Right, yes, yes. We bought a cannery and
we're turning it into a B &B.

Without you, this neighborhood's just a
gang -infested hellhole.

I know.

Well, you know what? We'll be sure to
send you a postcard from...

A town in Alaska.

Yeah. We better go withdraw our offer
before it's too late. I need my man

sweater first. Hope it still fits.

It always fits. One size fits Cindy.

Are we willing to carry back a second
mortgage?

Yeah, you know, I gotta go. She has a
little bit of trouble with compound

interest. Excuse me.

Look, I'm sorry about this, but, you
know, if you're ever up in Alaskan

territory passing through, be sure to
give us a jingle, all right? I can't

believe we're not going to have you in
our lives.

I know. But we can have a part of them.

Oh, my God.

I know what you're thinking.

We should buy this place!

Yes!

Yes! Every inch of this house will
remind us of you.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't do
that. Why not? It's for sale.

I know, but nobody in their right mind
would pay this price.

We would.

Well, then certainly no one in their
right mind would pay $10 ,000 more than

that.

Or $20 ,000.

$25 ,000.

Then lock us up because we're nuts.

waxing lady.

Cindy, I didn't expect to see you here
on a ladder outside my bedroom.

Your bedroom?

Well, I guess it is for a few more days.

What are you talking about?

Didn't Jim tell you? He sold us your
house.

What? Oh, I ruined the surprise, didn't
I?

to surprise you.

Surprise me with jewelry?

Not by selling my house?

Oh, but Sarah, you know how much money
we made. I really soaked them. Now we

buy any house we want. You want another
house?

Well, yes, you do.

I heard you. No, you said so. You want
another house.

When? Well, you're always going to open
houses and talking about the big new

kitchens and the walk -in closets and
the skylights. You even wanted to move

into the millers across the street.

I don't want another house. I want this
house, my house. And I want a husband

who asks me before he sells my house.

Hey, you get me my house back.

My house, my house, sure.

Let's see you pay the mortgage with the
tips the kids give you for making that

lot.

Excessive moisture penetration so we
don't pass the inspection.

Jim, why don't you tell the Devlins you
don't want to sell the house? The deal's

already closed, and by state law, the
only way out of this thing is by doing

something sneaky and underhanded. Come
on, more, more.

I don't know, Jim. I'd like to try on
the truce sometime, see how it fits.

Yeah? Well, if it's anything like those
pants do, it's going to be tight in the

seat.

All right, because you're Audrey
Hepburn.

Excuse me, can I see that for a second?
Just for a second.

Audrey Hepburn! We'll be right back.

Someone needs to be cited for a smile
that collapsed.

Can you just wrap this up? Yeah, thanks.

Come on, Cheryl.

Let's take a last look at all the
memories you're leaving behind.

Yeah, can we not hold hands all the
time?

load this money pit.

But you know what? It wouldn't feel
right to sell this place to a friend.

Yeah. I just hope there's no hard
feelings.

Oh, come on, guys.

This is just a setback. It's not a deal
breaker.

Look at this place.

Spiffy and a jiffy.

I kind of like having a project I can
tackle with my pants off.

Sell our home.

We love our home. We never wanted to
sell it.

The only reason we were doing this was
because we didn't want you anywhere near

us.

I'm just glad we're not losing you to
Alaska.

Come on, hugs?

Not until you put your pants back on.

And then no.

Come on, Timberwolf. We have a house to
buy across the street.

Yeah!

Well,

I better go get some paper towels.

I'm guessing this wasn't the original
plan.

Yeah, it was, except for the water.

Come on, come sit with me on my dock.

Oh, my God.

Well,

look, it's not your dream house, but at
least you got a couple thousand dollars

worth of water damage.

You know, Cheryl, I just wanted to do
the right thing by you. That's all.

Honey, when have you not done the right
thing by me?

You know, eventually.

I just think you deserve better.

You do.

And, you know, I'd get you a castle if I
could. You know that. Hey, this is my

castle.

Now I even have a moat.

Yeah, but you don't have a walk -in
closet or a bigger kitchen or skylights.

And the kids?

And no backyard.

Freaky floorboards.

Lots of great memories.

Jim, I walk to this house and I feel our
family and our life.

I love that.

That's what makes this a home to me.

Yeah.

Me too.

perfect time to play swamp thing come on
you be heather locklear i'll be swamp

thing i'm heather locklear

Some of the kids' toys and Jim's tools.

Right here on the insurance farm, I got
one rare stamp collection, one Picasso,

two Rolls Royces.

Greetings, all.

Got some house party invites for across
the street.

Oh, great.

Now I have to buy these psychos a
present.

The Devlins didn't buy the house.

What? Some eligible bachelor did.

Yeah, has family in the neighborhood.

Oh, my God. Is he cute?

Gorgeous.

But he's out of your league.

Oh, and he's your brother.

What?

It's me.

What? You brought the house across the
street?

I outbid the Devlins. Hello, neighbor.

The best news, man. I cannot believe you
people.

You knew?

If I was anything less than a gentleman,
I'd whip you within an inch of your

life.

Come on, cat on a hot tin roof. Let's
go.

With pleasure.

We never want to see any of you again.
Ever!