All language subtitles for According to Jim s03e13 Secret Santa

What do you think? It's perfect. You
don't want to overdo it with

I love it.

It's our best work ever.

Ready, Mommy?

Plug it in, sweetie.

Oh, baby.

And you'll never guess what I got you.
Take a guess. I don't want to guess.

Please. Good choice, because you'll
never guess.

I don't want to guess.

I totally own Christmas.

Dana's gifts aren't going to show me up
this year.

Ho, ho, ho. Here comes the Christmas
train.

Hey, Jim, it's getting a little slippery
out there. You might want to salt the

walkway. No, no. Not until after
Christmas. I do it to discourage the

Yeah, that's in case they miss Jim
Snowman giving them the finger.

Well, you have a brother and sister,
too, you know.

That big one's mine, right?

Calm down, Gracie. She probably stuffed
that package to make it look bigger.

I know that trick.

Aunt Zena always gets us the best stuff.

Excuse me, who planted a tree in Israel
for you last year?

Trust me, you won't be disappointed.

Yay!

Well...

Oh, looks like Santa got Dana a new
credit card this year.

What is that supposed to mean? She
hasn't worked for nine months. Money

grow on trees. Haven't you been paying
attention to my lectures?

Yeah, Jim, I'm working my way through
the cassette.

I'm still on volume four, Children, the
Deductible Blessing.

Jim, why would you assume that I have
money problems? I find that kind of

insulting.

Well... This isn't exactly PC, but
everybody knows that women can't manage

money.

Yeah, yeah. You know, I saw an interview
with Oprah on that.

Filmed on the island she bought.

Well, this woman made good money and she
invested wisely.

All you plan for is your next salty
snack.

I find that insulting.

Andy, chip me.

don't let him get to you with these
silly stereotypes. Come on, throw on an

apron, help me bake some cookies.

This box isn't fooling anybody.

I better get to the toy store.

Oh, don't mind Jim. He's just mad
because I got a pint and an air

the bathroom.

If I wanted to go in the woods, I would
have married a bear.

Do you need money?

No, because I got a new credit card,
just like Jim said.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. Oh, it's a
nightmare.

I mean, I got great gifts for the kids,
but I had to skimp out on the rest of

you. Oh, come on.

Everybody's going to understand.

Cheryl, I don't need understanding. I
need to feel like a big shot.

God, this is going to be the worst
Christmas ever.

When Jim sees those stupid reindeer
socks I got him, he's going to know he

right about me.

Okay, you're putting pepper on the
cookies.

Hey, why don't you just put your name on
one of the gifts I got, Jim? Cheryl,

I... Yeah, take the big red one with the
green bow.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

And Jim will never find out? Dana, we're
sisters.

Sister -sister bonds will be between us.

Okay, thank you. Oh, honey.

You're welcome.

Well, I should probably apologize in
advance for the stupid oven mitts I got

this year.

I'm sure I'll love them.

Yeah, one's Captain, the other's
Tennille.

Oh.

Twelve hours of shopping, four hours of
wrapping. In 30 seconds, the kids are

off with their plunder like Viking
raiders.

Well, they'll be back when they get
hungry.

Well, the girls really seemed to like
the dollhouse I got them. Yeah, they

Best gift ever, I think, for the worst
of people.

Well, they're kids. They don't know crap
about Christmas.

You guys haven't opened my gifts yet.

Looky here.

To Cheryl from her thoughtful brother.

The Robe, starring Richard Burton.

Wow, it's so unexpected.

Well, Jim said it was on your wish list.

What? Andy, you idiot. I said get a DVD
or a robe.

You mumbled because you're always
eating. No, you're not listening to me.

don't listen to me.

Forget it. What am I saying?

I'll just pop this in next time I'm in
the mood for a two -hour and ten -minute

biblical epic.

Let me see what I got here.

Oh.

Wow, this is really cool.

It's Chicago Blackhawks' Zamboni
keychain.

Honey, it's also a whistle. A whistle?
How cool.

Oh, thank you, baby. Okay, yep. Oh, but
my, my, my.

Okay, okay, Annie. Okay, Mr. Christmas.

Oh, wow, look at that.

An electric football game.

This is one like I had when I was a kid.

Please, Jim, you're embarrassing me with
all the gushing.

I know it's no oven mitt or play
reindeer socks, but enjoy.

How's that taste, sweetheart?

What did you get the gift you got for
Jim?

Yes, Dana's gift.

I look forward to it all year.

Here, this is for me.

No, Dana, that's not the gift you got,
Jim. No, it says from Dana to Jim. No,

no. Let me guess. This is a gift
certificate to a bookstore?

Joke's on you, baby. They sell porn
there now.

No, Dana.

This is to get... Oh, my God.

This is an 11 -game pack of tickets for
the Chicago Blackhawks.

These are impossible to get.

Nina.

You got these for me?

Yep. Merry Christmas. Oh, Merry
Christmas, Dana. Merry Christmas.

You know, I think the coffee's ready.
Dana, can you help me? Sure.

Oh, my God.

Cheryl, can you believe it? No.

No, I can't.

Cheryl, I am so sorry. I told you to put
your name on the big shiny red package

with the green bow. It was a shower CD.

I was going to, but I felt bad taking a
big gift, so I just put my name on the

smallest one.

gift certificate.

By the way, thank you for the gift
certificate.

Dana, I had a whole hockey theme leading
up to those tickets. I had the

Blackhawks boxer shorts. Then I had that
little tiny hockey stick.

I put more thought into this than naming
Kyle.

Well, you still got him the shower CD. I
mean, he'll use that every couple days.

Crap.

All right.

Fine. I'll just...

I'll just go in there and I'll tell Jim
the tickets were from you. It'll be his

best Christmas present ever. My life is
a total disaster.

Stop, not wait.

It's not important.

Jim's happy. Everybody's having a great
Christmas. No one has to know.

Really?

Sister, Sister Bond, remember?

Your secret's safe with me.

I don't know how to thank you.

Yeah, well, go in and check on Kyle. I
bet there's a diaper full of thank yous

right there.

Dina, Dina, Dina, check it out. Check it
out. There's two home games this week.

I want you to go with me.

Really? You know,

I bet Cheryl would want to go. Hello,
hockey fan over here.

Dina, Dina, you got me these tickets.

You're coming with me. Come on, let's go
check online to see where the seats

are. Come on.

Christmas.

It says here the robe was the first
movie shot in CinemaScope, 1953.

Fascinating. Yeah, yeah, isn't it?

You want to hear the director's
commentary?

Sure.

We can't. He's dead.

Damn it!

I should be at that Blackhawks game.

Why couldn't Dana have gotten enough
tickets for all of us?

Well, Dana's a very selfish person.

Hey! Hey, did you see it on TV?

What? That intermission, they called out
our seat numbers, and we went down on

the ice.

I scored a goal!

Look what we won!

Man, we were sitting so close to the
ice, I actually caught a tooth.

Oh, Dana, that was fun.

Yeah, the tickets were just great. Yeah,
well, anyway.

Okay,

are we done for Wednesday, Cheryl? What?

We're going to do that fun, cool thing
that's better than some stupid hockey

game. Oh, yeah, right.

No.

You know what?

I like her.

What? Dina, your sister, I really like
her.

I mean, she was right on the mark with
these hockey tickets.

Oh, please.

No, no, really. She gets me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, she does.

No, no.

Oh, no, no. She really gets me. No, she
doesn't get you.

I get you. I am the only person who has
ever gotten you, and you will go to your

grave with me being the only person who
gets you.

Well, you may get me, but all you got me
was a whistle.

David didn't get you those tickets. I
did.

What? I told her to put her name on one
of them. of my gifts. Why?

Because she's broke.

I knew it. I knew it. She's broke. God
bless us, everyone.

You can't say anything.

What do you mean I can't say anything?
This is golden country, baby. I'm

on a saddle and I'm riding.

No, no, no, no. Jim.

No. What? She told me in confidence.

I am telling you in confidence.

I already broke the sister -sister bond.
You cannot break the marital bond. I

thought the marital bond was where I'm
not supposed to sleep with another

I mean, that's the one that gets all the
press.

But there's also honoring each other's
secrets.

Cheryl,

you and your secrets.

You keep secrets all the time. No, I
don't. I lie. That's totally different.

I can't keep a story straight unless I
invent it myself.

Yeah, for me.

This is important.

Oh, Cheryl.

All right, all right.

All right, but you know, I'm just a
simple man.

I can only keep one marital bond at a
time.

I'll keep your secret, so I don't want
you flipping out if you hear about me in

the sack with Meg Ryan.

Okay? Well, that's only fair. Okay.

He's at the 20.

He's at the 10.

He's at...

You're probably just tuckered out
because you've been to 11 billion hockey

with your best friend Dana. Oh, come on.
Will you stop? No, no, no, no, Jim. No.

She stole Christmas from me. Were there
expensive gifts for you and the girls?

All I got were these crappy reindeer
socks.

Just looking at my feet pisses me off.

Why don't you stand up and you'll never
see them?

Dana's. I'm going to rub these right in
her face.

In fact, I'm going to put them down the
back of my pants for the ride over.

Andy, you can't do that. I did it once
with a shirt an ex -girlfriend gave me.

Sends a pretty strong message.

No, no, Andy, Andy. No, no, Andy, Andy.

No, no. You can't go into Dana's face
like that.

Dana is off limits.

No, no. I mean it.

Off limits.

like her better. All right, listen.

You got to promise you're not going to
say anything to anybody.

Cheryl bought me those tickets and let
Dana put her name on it because she's...

She's broke.

No, no.

No, no.

Oh,

God bless us everyone.

Oh, Andy. Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, Andy, you can't say anything to her.
You can't. Are you kidding me?

Jim, this is revenge for all those times
she gave me wedgies and purple nurples

and told all her hot friends I was gay.
Oh, Andy, I understand. It's killing me,

too, but you can't because I just broke
the marital bond.

You slept with another chick?

I thought that's what it meant, too. But
apparently it includes keeping your

wife's secrets.

And I'm only telling you because I'm
protected by the guy -guy bond.

That's it.

Damn, guy bond. That's right.

Oh, it feels so weird.

Of course, it could be the reindeer
socks.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Happy New Year!

Oh, girls, girls, girls. Okay, come on.
This is the fourth time I've asked you

to stop. It's not New Year's yet. It's
only 720.

you're somewhere?

Yes. On Monster Island.

Oh. Where we may move if you don't knock
it off. Okay, okay.

All right, I'm gonna go get dessert.

Oh, I'll help you. Oh, I want dessert.

Hey, Jim. Yeah. Huh?

What do you say after dinner we throw
down some cognac and ring in the new

with some electric football?

Uh, no.

Wow. That's good champagne.

Yeah. You think I'm going to let Jim
make a toast with that swill he got at

yard sale?

But don't say anything.

Oh, your secret's safe.

Especially after what you did for me.

Thanks again.

It wasn't that much. Are you kidding me?
You got him this great gift and you

can't take any credit for it.

It's no big deal.

No, it must be killing you to keep it
inside.

You know, I think I'm going to get
started on this right now.

You're the best.

Okay.

really like the dollhouse, huh?

Yeah, there's a lamp on the table that
really lights up.

Oh, I'm so glad you guys like it.

How about the walkie -talkies I gave
you? Pretty cool, huh?

We took the batteries out to make the
lamp light up.

Well, when you guys fall down a well, at
least you can call for help with your

precious dollhouse.

Andy, they just prefer the dollhouse.
What are you going to do?

I guess if I wanted everyone to say how
great Andy is, I should have just put my

name on the dollhouse, huh?

Oh, my God.

Cheryl told you.

I don't know what you're talking about.
And even if I did, I wouldn't betray

Jim's confidence.

Jim knows?

And Cheryl told him. That's all I'm
saying.

I cannot believe Cheryl told you.

clean her clock. No, no. Are you crazy?

Jim and I got a guy -guy bond.

If he finds out I rolled over on him, my
life ain't worth a damn out on that

street.

I promise I'll let him bury you in your
reindeer socks.

No.

Tell me she wasn't carrying the pie.

Because I like you and I want you here.
Come here. Come on.

I'll tell you why.

Because we're all here and Cheryl would
like to apologize.

Oh, Dana.

I am so sorry.

I should never have betrayed your
confidence. That was wrong.

But, you know, it all started because I
was trying to protect you.

Right. And you see, that's where our
mistake was.

We were trying to protect you.

And you know what? We shouldn't protect
each other from each other.

I mean, we're family here.

And if we can't talk to each other about
what's really going on, then... I mean,

what's the point? We're just coming home
and saying, where's the remote? We need

cheese.

Look, I want everyone to raise their
glass.

Make a toast to Dana.

No, listen.

I know I'm a charming guy.

But I can probably say a lot of great
things about you because I have a way

with, um...

Words. Words.

But I think everybody should say one
word that describes Dana.

Like... Loving. Loving.

Strong. Beautiful.

Dollhouse.

Forgiving. Ooh, tenacious.

Talented. Stylish.

There you go.

Embarrassed.

Crying. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I
got one.

How about family?

Oh, family.

You see, Dana, you didn't hear us use
one word like job or money or

rich or poor.

No, because, honey, that has nothing to
do with who you are or how we see you.

Thanks, I really needed to hear that.

But you know what? I think next year is
going to be my year.

And if I do need to talk to anyone, I
know who I can turn to.

You know what I think we really learned
this year? What?

Is that the girls really like my
dollhouse better than Andy's walkie

You know what? You just couldn't let it
go. Good job.