All language subtitles for According to Jim s03e12 Rules of Engagement

Hey. Hey.

Check it out. I got a new phone with a
built -in camera.

Wow. That is pretty cool. Huh? Isn't it?
We should take pictures of our butts

and send them to Dana.

Two minds, one thought, my friend.

I'm bringing it tonight to Cousin
Sylvia's wedding.

Oh, right. Another boring family
wedding.

Oh, no. Come on. It'll be fun.

Hey, we can take pictures of our butts
next to the cake and then show people

pictures while they're eating it.

Yeah, that's good for the first hour.
Then what?

Come on, man. Why do you have so many
cousins?

We're breeding folk, Jim.

Look at these hips.

Hey, Cheryl. Want to see my new phone?

Nope.

Hey, honey.

I was thinking about what I said last
night, and I kind of overreacted.

I just want to say I'm sorry.

Well, thank you.

It means a lot to me.

What was that all about?

I have no idea.

Did you guys have a fight last night?

I didn't.

I mean, it seemed like a pretty normal
evening, you know. We had dinner,

TV.

The girls did my hair. We had a tea
party.

I prayed for the boy to get older.

Seemed pretty normal to me.

Well, aren't you going to ask Cheryl
what that was about?

Yeah, yeah, right after I called the IRS
and begged for an audit.

Are you kidding me?

Think about it.

I had a fight with my wife, I won, and
she apologized, and I don't even know

what happened.

Yeah, that reminds me of the time I
found a dollar in an egg roll.

Yeah, rare moments, rare moments, my
friend.

Okay, come on, take my picture.

Make sure you get my good side.

Oh, man.

Hey, Andy.

Give me the plans for that NOAC project.

Just a sec. I'm putting the finishing
touches on my wedding toast.

Hey. If my cousin Sylvia was a flower,
what kind would she be?

Oh, I don't know. What kind of flower is
fat?

Well, have you written your toast yet?

I'm not going to write a toast. I don't
even want to go.

Jim, you have to write a toast. It's
family tradition.

The last person who didn't write a toast
was great Uncle Alec.

Seven months later, almost to the day,
they found him dead.

He was a 93 -year -old diabetic with a
bad heart.

All right.

If you want to roll the dice. I'll roll
the dice.

Hey.

Oh, hey, you want to see my new phone?

It's always going to be known.

Cheryl, what are you doing?

Oh, well, I was still feeling bad about
last night, so I made you a picnic.

A picnic?

Wow, roast beef, sandwich, cake, grape,
pop.

Hey, you got anything in that basket for
me? No, I didn't hurt your feelings.

Until now.

Anyway, honey, enjoy.

And again, I'm sorry.

I love you. I love you, too. I mean,
even with, you know,

everything.

She owes me big.

Oh, you, my friend, are sitting pretty.

Oh, yeah, I got a gimme coming my way, a
big one. What kind of gimme you gonna

get? Oh, I don't know, I don't know. Let
me think, let me think, let me think.

Oh, I got it, I got it.

No, no, Jim.

You have to go to the wedding.

I'll be the only guy at our table.

What about your cousin, Carrie?

She's got a mustache.

Oh, my sweet things.

Hi, Daddy.

Where's Mommy?

Okay,

call me when it happens.

Oh, good. Hey, why don't you jump in the
shower? I laid your suit out on the

bed.

Yeah, the wedding.

What?

Well, Cheryl...

I'm still feeling kind of vulnerable
from last night.

I feel like a raw nerve, you know?

Not really in a celebrating mood.

Jim, it's a family wedding. You have to
go. Oh, and I want to be there.

I really do, but, you know, weddings are
about fun, and I wouldn't want to ruin

it for, you know, Sylvia and Marlon.
Mike. Mike.

I just, I need to work this thing
through.

Yeah. Jim, is there any chance that you
may be milking this just a little bit to

get out of the wedding?

Cheryl, you know what you said to me,
and you know how it hurt.

Okay, so if you were me, could you just
put on a smiley face and pretend you

were having fun?

Yeah.

Well, that's you, Cheryl.

That's not me.

I guess I have a little more integrity
than that.

Look, honey, here.

Maybe it would help you to just talk it
through.

We've talked about it enough.

With who?

Andy.

We talked about it all day.

And by the way, I told him the whole
story, and he agrees with me.

You talked about it all day?

Yeah.

We would have had some chamomile tea.

It helped. It was nice. It was soothing.

It's a diuretic. Did you know that?

That's good to know.

Well, just stay here and do what you
need to do.

I suppose that would be best.

But then tell Cousin Carrie
congratulations on the tractor pull.

and I had that falling out over Grandma
B's sterling silver candlesticks, which

were supposed to be mine.

Dana, sit down.

I'm totally, totally fine. I'm just
wondering why someone who lives in a

trailer, right, I mean, would want
sterling silver candlesticks. I mean,

you going to entertain?

Oprah coming over?

I think what Dana's trying to say is,
may you and Mike have one happy life

together. We love you.

So, Cheryl, you've been really quiet all
night.

What's going on with you? Well, I'm
still bummed about this whole Jim thing.

What did you two fight about anyway?

You know, I don't want to rehash it
again. Ask Andy.

Why would I know?

Jim said he told you all about it.

Oh!

Right, yeah. I believe there was some
mention of it.

No, he said you talked about it all day.

Right.

Oh, my God, I ate shellfish.

I have to rush myself to the hospital.

You're

not

allergic to shellfish. What are you
hiding?

Oh, never.

Well, you know, I guess we can respect
that.

Thank you.

Hey, Andy.

Do you feel my hand on the top of your
underwear?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Well, how would you feel if I pulled it
up over your head?

You wouldn't dare, not in a public
place.

This is the worst day of my life.

Ooh, bunny hop. That'll work it loose.

Wow.

And to think you made Jim a picnic.

Yeah, it's like a machine.

Food goes in, lies come out.

Well,

I'll be at the gift table.

Why?

Well, Sylvia got the candlesticks. I'm
going to get me a food profit.

else is on because I've been watching
this particular game all day.

Hey!

Jim, too bad you missed the wedding.
They had an open bar.

Probably for the best, you know. I would
have just got myself in trouble.

Yeah, well, the night's still young.

hoes. Great Kung Pao.

Tomorrow afternoon, my treat. Please
don't kick my ass fight.

Hey, how was the wedding?

Oh, you know, it was great, but I was
miserable.

I just kept going over our argument
again and again.

Well, the good news is I worked through
it.

Yeah, you know what would really help me
close the door on it?

You know, if you could look him in the
eye and say, Cheryl, it really hurt me

when you said, and then just repeat the
words I said last night.

Well, there were so many.

And they're all so hurtful.

Pick the ones that hurt the most.

Unless... you don't know what I said.

Shin -ho's!

Yeah, yeah. You bet, Shin -ho's. Shin
-ho's...

You mean it didn't hurt?

You've been lying to me since the minute
you left for work this morning.

Have I been lying?

Or did I give you the opportunity to
unload your guilt?

Think about that.

And you're welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you for letting me beat myself up
for the last ten hours. Thanks a lot.

Okay, okay. I'm sensing a trace of
sarcasm in your voice.

So I'm guessing that we're going to have
this fight whether I like it or not,

right? Yes, we are.

Okay. Well, I don't want to have this
fight until I know what the fight was

night. All right.

All right.

Try to pay attention this time.

I was doing the dishes, and you were
sitting at the table.

32 down, five letters.

Book them blank.

Dano. Yeah, I don't know either.

Hey, honey, would you hand me that
plate?

Can you give me a kiss?

No plate, no kiss.

Kiss first, then plate.

If I come over there to give you a kiss,
I can just get the plate myself.

Well, now you see what I'm going for.

Yeah, the plate is so heavy and the sink
is so far away.

Well, I don't ask you to do my job, do
I?

Believe me, there are some days I'd love
to switch jobs with you. Oh, yeah?

Well, let me know.

Because I'll let you go out and build
buildings while I sit around the house

peep my toenails all day.

But not during the busy season when
you've got to clean out the lint trap in

dryer. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute. No, let me...

There's no finishing here.

What? That wasn't a fight. I was just
joking.

Oh. Come on. We were bantering back and
forth like those gay guys do on that

show, which I've never seen.

Yeah, but then you took it too far.

I didn't take it anywhere.

What? Because I was kidding.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let's
discuss the rules of engagement here.

what? Rules of engagement.

You see, a fight is an official.

Unless both people know you're having
it.

That's why they play boxing matches so
far in advance.

They don't just lure some poor sucker in
a casino and beat his brains out.

Look, I am not going to be responsible
for something I said in a fight that I

didn't even know ever happened. Come on.
So what?

You get a free pass for manipulating my
feelings and blowing off the wedding?

Come on, honey. This isn't free.

Last two minutes haven't been a
vacation. Come on.

All right. Fine. Fine.

Ben, if we never had the argument, I
never should have apologized, so I take

back. Okay.

That's your right under the rules of
engagement.

Good.

Great.

It's overdone.

Oh, wait a minute. Hold the phone here.

How dare you?

What? I just remembered why you're
apologizing.

I'll let you go out and build buildings
while I sit around the house and peep my

toenails all day.

But not during the busy season when you
gotta clean out the lint trap in the

dryer.

Oh, no.

I'm busy all the time. Wonder why I
married such an idiot.

Yeah. Well, this idiot just got 32 down.

Book him?

Rondo.

You called me an idiot.

I thought you were kidding, but you were
serious. Yeah, yeah, I was. And that

Rondo...

That's not once, that's not twice,
but... Okay, it was twice.

No, no, no, I want my apology back.

You apologized for what you said. All
you do is sit around all day and paint

your toenails.

Is that supposed to be me?

No, it could be any idiot. Fuckin'
three!

You just called me an idiot three times!

Come on! Besides, I was joking.

Rules of engagement. You can say
whatever you want as long as you're just

kidding.

Right, that's right. So, that's what we
do around here. We kid. So we can get a

million... laugh. Nobody's feelings ever
get hurt. Well, that's just great. You

know, I'm going to go upstairs and I'm
going to paint my toenails because

apparently that's all I ever do around
here.

I know that tone.

We're still having a fight.

Right?

Damn.

What's with your sister?

She has self -esteem issues, so she
clearly picked a guy whose failings make

feel better about herself.

Yeah.

Why is she all mad at me?

You blew off the wedding.

Oh, I've done that before. That's not
it.

Well, I don't know. She's still upset,
so there must be something else going

Like what?

Well, I don't know.

God, if only there was just some magical
way of finding out.

Here's a thought.

What? Go ask her.

Yeah.

Any other thoughts?

Um, she's hurt.

And she's a woman, which means she needs
to process.

And whether you like it or not, you need
to be there.

Oh.

Kind of like jury duty, huh?

Yeah.

Except this time you can't get out of it
by showing up without your pants.

I'm not going to come on to you. I just
wanted to help.

Although, if you give me a signal, I can
switch gears like that.

I can get it.

Okay.

I'm just here to help you process.

Process?

Oh, you're only here because Dana sent
you.

No, no. I also came up, you know, to use
the bathroom. My favorite crossword's

in there.

Oh, come on, Cheryl.

Come on, are we going to be Mr. and Mrs.
Serious from now on? I mean, watch C

-SPAN all day and look up words in a
dictionary?

No, we don't have to be serious all the
time.

Well, then what?

What's going on?

I don't know. Maybe I just don't want to
be the butt of everyone's jokes.

Everybody? Who's everybody? Andy and
Dana? They're out. I'll change the locks

the house.

No.

It's not Andy and Dana.

Well, then who else is there? I mean,
all we have left are the girls.

What? You know what?

It's the girl.

Be mad at me? Let's go wake them up,
tell them they can't watch TV for a

and hit the sack.

No, no, no, I'm still mad at you, but
it's because of the girls.

Hey, girls, I need you to clean up the
mess you made in the living room.

Can't you do it, Mommy?

No, I'm busy.

You're not busy. You just play your toes
and eat bonbons all day.

Yeah, and Daddy brings home the bacon.

Are you saying they got that from me?

Yeah. along with Ruby snoring and
Gracie's fear of hobos.

Oh, come on.

All right, when did this happen?

I don't know, a few days ago.

Well, why didn't you tell me when it
happened? You weren't around, and then,

know, life takes over.

I didn't even realize how much it
affected me until right now.

Oh, so you needed time to process.

Yeah, don't make me hate that word.

I'm just teasing you. Don't stop me from
teasing you. I know, I know.

Look.

I love it when you tease me. I do, but
you've got to be careful in front of the

girl. Well, it's hard to do. I mean,
they're around all the time, and I'm

funny.

Yes, honey, you're always funny.

I am, aren't I?

Honey, you know, the girls just don't
get sarcasm.

Well, maybe we should send them to a
different school. No.

Oh, well, why don't they get it?

No, no, they're just too young to
understand it. So when you tease me

being lazy, the girls think it's true.

Really? Yeah, honey, come on.

Jim, I really, really want them to value
what I do around here.

And what exactly is that? Hey.

Come on!

Come on!

All right, I get it.

I didn't realize that girls didn't
understand that kind of humor.

I'll watch what I say in front of him.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

You may now help me with my dress.

Yes.

Wow, this is nice.

Thank you. Nice material.

Thank you.

You know what you should do? You should
put tissues on your hangers so it

doesn't get all bulgy here in the
shoulder.

Where did you learn that?

Football at halftime. They give tips,
you know.