All language subtitles for According to Jim s03e08 Scary Movie

Who's this?

This is Buster. I installed a sink in
his house and he couldn't pay for it, so

we're doing a barter thing.

So, uh, something snappy for the young
lady?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh.

You know what, honey? No, that's too
weird.

It's too weird. I've got to go upstairs.

All right, Buster. That's it for the
night.

Sign off.

expect me to babysit if I can't stick
them in front of the TV?

Oh, I'm sorry.

All right, no dessert for a month!

Well, how do you think I get them in the
bathtub?

What? No!

Stop fighting!

Mom, Gracie called me a cat butt.

Mom, Gracie called me cat butt.

She's copying me. She's copying you.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Cheryl, let me.

Girls, I sense some unresolved issues.

Why don't we all just sit down and draw
our feelings?

I want to draw you, Aunt Dana.

With all those lines on your forehead.

Oh, like you're going to be seven
forever, cat cut? Oh, okay, okay, okay,

okay. Hey.

Hey. Hey, Cheryl.

Cheryl, look, I was thinking it's a
beautiful Saturday.

The whole family is together.

So, Andy and I are going to go down to
Lumberyard and shoot the breeze with

of the weekend guys. Come on.

Wait, wait, wait.

If you're going out, you've got to take
the girls with you. You can't take kids

to a high -stakes Chinese checker game.

Jim, seriously, they've been driving me
crazy all week. You've got to get them

out of my hair.

Let's have three. Those were your words.

All right.

Girls.

Hey, girls, do you like ponies?

Hey, you want to see some ponies run
around a track with little men on their

backs?

All right. No, you're not taking them to
the racetrack.

It's completely inappropriate.

They're just, they're little girls. Oh,
come on, Cheryl. Don't you think you're

overreacting a little bit? No, Jim, I
think I'm being a responsible parent. I

don't know if you were that responsible,
you wouldn't be sticking them with me

today.

Hey, there's a new Piggy movie playing.
Oh, Piggy's Day Off. That's perfect.

No, I don't have it. Daddy, can we
please, please, please?

Uh -huh.

Sure, girls. Thanks. All right, girls.

Piggy movie it is. Let's go.

Come on, Andy.

Piggy. Yeah.

This was the weekend I was supposed to
hit myself in the face with a hammer.

You guys have fun. Uh -uh. That's where
the piggies go. Come on. Come on. Let's

go. Honey, honey, honey, honey.

Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. Thank you
so much. Would you pick up some dinner

on your way back? Oh, you'll be rested.
You can cook.

Here we go. Piggy's day off.

You know, what's he need a day off from?

He's a pig.

Actually, Jim, he does have a job. He's
a male nurse.

You don't think he takes that home with
him? Oh, please.

Robot warrior cyber death.

Listen,

listen to that.

Bet that's wall -to -wall action.

I hear the helicopter chase cost $20
million.

All right, come on. Daddy, we want to
see the Robot Warrior.

Well, we're going to see Piggy's Day
Off.

But everybody at school saw Robot
Warrior, and they said it was awesome.

Everybody. Awesome.

Look out! Her eyes are laser beams!

Oh, my face!

Well, the killer robot is a chick.

Cheryl's always yapping about how the
girls need strong female role models.

Oh, no. Come on, let's go see what
Piggy's up to.

All the kids in your class saw Robot
Warrior.

We're the only ones who didn't see it.

And whenever they talk about it, we just
have to stand there by ourselves and be

sad.

You hear that, Andy?

My kids.

They're being shunned by their peers.

Bend down that rope.

That Cheryl's just being overprotective
again.

Uh -uh. We're good.

If all the other kids are doing it, it's
got to be okay.

I see no fault in that logic. Come on.

Man, I do not want to be here 400 years
in the future when all that goes down.

do that when we get home. Why?

Well, remember how left out you felt
when all the other kids in your class

Robot Warrior and you didn't?

You want Mommy to feel that way?

No. We love Mom.

So do I.

And every time I think of her, my heart
melts.

Just like the president's face in the
movie.

So you have to remember that when Mommy
asks you about the movie, you say,

Piggy's day off was awesome.

Try it.

Piggy stay off with Arthur.

Oh, that's great, my girl.

This is going to be great. This is going
to be great.

Next time Cheryl gives me the
inappropriate speech, I'm going to say,

I took the girls to see Robot Warrior,
and they're fine.

You really going to say, Ha?

Ha, gotcha. I don't know. I'll play it
by ear.

All right, girls. Come on.

You guys go ahead. I think I left my
keys in the theater.

Teddy bears and rainbows.

Adorable.

Keeping the abs tight for your main man.

So tell me, what did you do today while
I was with the girls? Oh, honey, it was

unbelievable. I took a shower in the
middle of the day, and then I ate a

sandwich sitting down.

You know, honey, I got to tell you, it
does turn me on when you're in totally

responsible dad mode.

Really? Yeah. Did I mention I made the
kids wear seatbelts on the way home?

I don't know.

How is people doing, Daddy?

Yes, yes, yes. Of course you can.

Come on, girls. Nobody can hurt you.
Mommy and Daddy are here.

Now go in. There you go.

Hey, Cheryl.

Care to go downstairs for a midnight
snack?

not tonight.

How about just a snack for me?

Go ahead.

Fine. I'll just get something to eat.

So, Pearl, can you tell Mommy what's
scaring you?

Or we can all go down for ice cream!

Yay!

Jim, what are you doing? It's 11 o
'clock. It's not talk time.

You said you wanted the freezer
defrosted. Well, it's time to put up the

For some reason, I feel like giving you
a raisin.

No, I...

Girl's

still keeping you up at night? Oh, third
night in a row.

I guess your hot offense sort of fell
apart.

Yeah. You know, I keep hearing how kids
become too desensitized by violence.

What is going to happen to my kids?

Oh, hey, Jim.

Hey, let me... dropped my clothes off, I
ran into Gracie's teacher.

She wants to see us today after school.

Cheryl, how many times have I told you,
when you drop the kids off, don't make

eye contact with the teacher.

Whatever is keeping her up at night is
affecting her at school, Jim. You've

really got to be there.

Oh, I don't know if that can happen.

I got this work thing.

Right, Andy? With a guy?

Actually, it's a double work thing.

With two guys. Right.

Take twice as long. Yeah.

You'll probably have to buy me dinner.

Kim, I'm really worried.

Oh, relax, Cheryl. I'm sure it's no big
deal.

Oh, Tina, you don't understand. You
don't have kids.

Why do you have to keep bringing that
up? What, you want me to go out and

with some hobo off the street just so I
can understand your secret parent

language?

You know, you must have a hobo already
lined up or else you wouldn't have said

that.

that when kids have irrational fears,
you've got to get inside their head and

help them deal with it.

Dina's right. We should ignore it until
it goes away.

Fine, fine. I'll go by myself and figure
this thing out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I didn't say I didn't want to go.

I mean... Okay, when is it? Four.

Four?

Okay. Okay.

You know, that's when Mickey does this.

Hi,

sorry to keep you waiting. Have a seat.

As I mentioned to Cheryl, I'm concerned
about Gracie.

Lately, I've noticed a change.

There's a lot of anxiety.

Well, it's probably just puberty.

Jim, she's seven.

Well, she knows it's coming. It's got to
be flipping out.

I'd like to show you what I'm talking
about. A week ago, Gracie was drawing

things like this.

Kittens, rainbows, Santa and God eating
a hamburger together.

Isn't that cute?

It's a good -looking hamburger.

Yeah.

Now, look at this.

It's clearly some kind of mechanical
monster, female, and it looks very

Oh, my God.

Well, it's not that bad. I mean, come
on, look, there's Santa right there in

corner. Yes, and he's been ripped apart
by the robot.

Well, you know what we're going to do?
We're going to go right home, and we're

going to punish Gracie until she learns
her lesson.

It is so good to see you again.

You know what? Thanks for keeping us in
the loop. Come on, Joe. Jim, Jim.

I think I know what this is about.

You do?

Yes. Yes, remember last week when I was
so angry and frustrated with the girls?

Gracie's just expressing her feelings.
This is me.

Oh.

I don't think that's it.

No, no, it is.

I was yelling like a maniac, and I'm the
robot.

Well, now at least we know what the
problem is.

Gracie thinks I'm a monster.

Who knows how it's affecting Ruby?

I'm an awful, awful mother.

Oh, come on.

Don't say that.

Your great mother.

You just snapped.

You know, there should be a list of
stuff you can't put in the microwave.

So how'd it go with Gracie's teacher?

Oh, not so good.

Where are the kids?

Uh, well, Kyle's napping and I think the
girls are upstairs playing.

You think?

What kind of babysitter are you?

A free one.

Carry on.

I need to talk to you. No, Cheryl, I
don't think you want to do that. Jim,

there's a problem here.

Oh, thank God they were upstairs.

They're good.

Girls, remember last week when Mommy was
yelling at you for fighting all the

time?

Well, I think I scared you.

I am very sorry.

You do know that Mommy loves you very,
very much, don't you?

We love you, too, Mommy.

What a nice moment.

Okay, girls, who wants to go in the
garage and check out Daddy's new nail

Yay!

Gracie, honey?

Is this how you see Mommy?

Ask the girls what they thought of
Piggy's Day Off.

Piggy's Day Off was awesome.

Yeah.

Tell me about Piggy's scary robot
friend.

Well, she came from the future, and she
had metal teeth, and she was really

mean.

had a chance.

Hey, who wants to go upstairs and play
with Mommy's makeup?

Yay!

Jim?

Can't I make myself pretty for you?

What movie did you take them to?

Robot Warrior Cyber Death. Now, I know
it doesn't sound like a family movie,

there was a very loving family in it.

Although they got chopped up pretty
fast.

Oh, and we should let the kids decide
what's best?

Maybe we should let them have cookie
dough for dinner.

We are not having cookie dough for
dinner.

But all the other kids in their class
saw the movie.

You want our kids to be left out to feel
different, to be shunned?

Jim.

I know all the other kids in their
class, and I know those kids' mothers,

none of them have seen that movie.

Really?

Really, Jim.

They played you because they knew I'd
never take them to see it.

They lied to me?

Where did they get that?

I can't believe those

little sneaks.

Jim, it's up to us to protect them from
what they're not ready for.

And they are not ready for robots with
boob guns.

Neither is mankind, Cheryl.

I'll talk to him.

Yeah.

But just so you know, the robots don't
use those boob guns unless it's the last

resort.

Hi, Daddy.

Don't hide that in me, little sneaks.

Now, come on.

I know that none of your friends went
and saw that movie.

We're sorry, Daddy.

Yeah.

Want me to get you some potato chips?

No,

there you go again. You're playing me
again, aren't you?

You girls.

Daddy, will you stay with us the whole
night? We won't be scared.

Honey, I can't do that, but I can show
you how not to be scared.

All right?

Guess what's in the bag. A bicycle?

A gorilla?

Okay, look at the size of the bag. Does
it even make sense?

All right, calm down.

Calm down. Relax.

Who's behind the mask?

You.

That's right, me.

And I'm not a robot, am I?

Well, neither was the woman in the
movie.

She was an actress playing a part.

She'll probably play a lot of different
parts in a lot of different movies until

she turns 40.

Okay, now touch this.

Touch it.

It's just plastic.

That's right.

Made in a factory.

Probably by little girls just like
yourselves.

Okay, now look.

See? Because it looks real, it doesn't
mean it is.

Now look at me.

Do you understand?

Is Piggy real?

Is the Tooth Fairy real?

Yes.

Yes. Tooth Fairy's real.

Piggy's real.

Actually, the rule of thumb is, if
they're good guys, they're real.

If they're bad guys...

They're not real.

What if a vampire helped people? Would
he be real?

Yeah.

But he still sucks people's blood. Okay,
okay, there's some loopholes here.

I don't want to talk about it right now.

Now, look at me.

Now, two, you going to be all right
tonight?

Uh -huh.

Okay, you going to stay right here in
your own beds?

Uh -huh.

Are you still awake?

Mm -hmm.

Aw, look at the girls.

No.