All language subtitles for According to Jim s03e01 The Errand

Oh, Jason, thank you so much. You are a
lifesaver. No problem. Thank you. I'll

see you next week. Okay, great.

Mommy? Uh -huh? Why does Jason come
over?

Is he your boyfriend?

No, honey, Jason's the delivery guy.
Daddy's my boyfriend.

I know. That makes Mommy laugh, too.

Okay, girls, go wash up for dinner.

Okay.

Cheryl?

This neighborhood is going to hell.

That's so funny.

That's what the neighbors said when we
moved in.

No, no. I just caught some kid snooping
around in the yard. So I had to dispense

some street justice on him with my new
power hose.

Oh, honey.

That's Jason. He delivers the groceries.

Whoa. Hold the phone.

Since when do we get our groceries
delivered?

Jim, it's only $7.

Whoa. Seven dollars?

Hold the phone!

Okay, did you just hear hold the phone
for the first time today?

Because, you know, it's not new.

Cheryl, how long have you and Jason been
running this delivery scam on me?

Well, Jim, I guess you've been on Mark
for about a year now.

A year? That's 52 weeks times seven
dollars. That's... I'm a little upset to

the numbers now, but that's a lot of
money.

Cheryl, what are you doing?

Jim, I don't do it every... Every week.
But, you know, I can't be three places

at once. And sometimes I got to make
dinner and Kyle won't go down for a nap.

mean, it gets crazy around here.

Yeah, looks like you got a lot of balls
in here, Cheryl.

Okay, okay. What other deliveries am I
paying for?

I don't know. Dry cleaning, stuff from
the pharmacy.

What?

What, what did you find? Pirate treasure
in the basement?

Jim, that X is where the gas line is.

Cheryl.

I don't understand. You know what? If
you need something, why don't you just

call me at work and I'll pick it up on
the way home.

For free, Cheryl.

Get that? Free!

Jim, there's a reason I don't ask you to
run errands. Why?

You never get the right thing.

I am shocked.

I'm offended.

I'm shocked.

Give me one example.

Well, remember when I asked you to bring
back marinade and you brought back

lemonade?

Nade, Cheryl.

Nade.

Jim, I'd just rather spend some money
and get things done right the first

You know what? That's your answer to
everything. Just throw money at it.

life isn't a strip club, Cheryl.

Jim, it's $7.

No, no, no. New rule around here, okay?

Next time you need something from the
store, I'll do it.

Fine. You want to do it? Do it. Oh, I'll
do it. Hold the phone.

Now you're not even using it right.

This is gorgeous.

I want to go out with you.

So what's the occasion?

The Flynn's 25th wedding anniversary is
next week. I'm so excited. Jim's renting

a tux.

I know the Flynn's. Why didn't they
invite me?

Oh, I asked them not to.

Yeah, I need somebody to watch the kids.

I lied. That dress makes you look
hippie.

Hey.

Wow, you look smoking hot.

Really? Because Dana hates my dress.

Well, then why don't you just take it
off?

All right, I got everything on your
list. I got the toothpaste.

I got the deodorant. I even got the blue
mouthwash that we always use.

Jim, we use the green mouthwash. Like
this?

Gotcha.

You know what? They didn't have it in
the show.

So I grabbed the clerk and I said, do
you have any green mouthwash in the

And he said, I don't know. And I said,
listen up, Vic.

I can't bring I don't know home to my
wife.

You know, you should get together with
the guys who stormed Omaha Beach and

share that story with them.

Thank you, honey.

I'm not looking for a thank you.

Oh, oh, I was wrong.

Kiss on the cheek wrong or ice cream for
breakfast wrong?

Wrong enough to forgive you for
forgetting to pick up the girls at

practice.

Cheryl, the girls are upstairs.

I know.

I just hate it when he gets cocky.

Hey, Cheryl.

Yes, I can pick up some toilet paper.

Two -ply.

What are we, royalty?

That was a little funny.

Bye.

Hey, check it out.

If you cough on the cheese samples, they
give you the whole platter.

All right, what's next on our list here?

Tomato paste.

Ooh, it just so happens I have a coupon,
a double coupon day. Cha -ching.

I got to hand it to you, Jim. You got
this shopping thing down.

You're Cheryl's big helper.

I got it, Marcy. Skim milk, not 2%.
Okay, I'll...

Stop by the shoe store after the car
wash.

Yes, the tan ones.

What tone? I don't have a tone.

Cheryl? Yes?

You're not going to answer that phone,
are you?

It's not a phone.

It's a whip.

That's right.

I can't believe it, Andy. I was so full
of pride that I could save $7 that I

didn't see that I'm turning into a
competent husband.

Which I swore I would never do.

Do you want me to shoot you, Jim?
Because I'd do that for you. Yes, you

and I should be shot exactly.

Damn it, how can I forget the golden
rule?

If a woman sees that you're good at
something, it becomes your job forever.

that mistake before.

That's why the first night I'm with a
woman, I'm lousy.

Have you gone on many second dates
lately?

Why don't we focus on your problems
right now?

All right, Andy, this is too much.

Listen, you know what? We got to put
this thing right.

Time to get out of here, get my ass back
in my chair where it belongs.

Divorce lawyer seeks good -looking
female.

Long talks and foot worship a must.

Cheryl, that's the personal. You're
supposed to be finding me a job.

Yeah, I know, but you've got nice feet,
and this could pay the bills.

Hello. Hey, I tried to call you again,
but you didn't pick up.

Well, you know what? I was thinking
maybe I should get one of those text

That way you can get me any time you
want.

That's a great idea.

I thought you'd be on board with that
one.

Oh, you don't see it?

No. I got tomatoes and I got paste.

I must have read your list wrong. My
bad. I'm sorry.

Well, did you at least get a gift for
this Wednesday anniversary?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Black bag. Oh, good.

My big fat Greek orgy?

You got them poured?

What was I supposed to get them?

White wine and a card?

Wow, that's not even close.

Don't worry, Cheryl. I'll get rid of
that.

What the hell happened?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I'm going to be in the living room
beating myself up.

I just wish I hadn't failed you.

any of this stuff.

What?

You've got everything wrong.

Aw.

You're doing so well.

Yeah, he couldn't have screwed this up
more if he was trying. Yeah.

He's brilliant.

He's pretending to be a moron to cover
up being a jackass.

wrong stuff so he'd never have to go to
the store again?

Yes, exactly.

Cheryl, Jim beat you.

Oh, Dana, hold on to your looks.

Jim thinks he beat me, but not today.

So it's on? Oh, it's on.

Oh, Mr.

Chair, my big butt missed you too.

You know, Jim, in some ways you're my
role model.

But in other ways, you're my cautionary
tale. Thank you, Annie.

Spongebob? Left.

Jim, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come
down on you like that.

Well, you know, I think I'm man enough
to take a ton of bricks every once in a

while.

You know, you have a right to be upset.
I just think it was way over my head.

Yeah, just like with the TV Guide
crossword puzzle.

Excuse me for not remembering every
single Wayans, brother.

But remember when Gracie kicked a goal
under her own team's net and she felt

really bad about it?

That was a great game.

Anyway, you told her that if she just
kept trying, sooner or later she'd get

right. Well, that's how I feel about you
and shopping.

I don't care how many mistakes you make.

What? I'm saying...

I accept you.

No, no, no, you can't.

I mean, I'm just going to screw up
again.

I didn't marry a quitter.

Well, you kind of did.

No, no, no, no.

I married the little husband who could.

And that's why I'm going to give you
another chance.

And another.

And another after that.

FYI, Keenan, Damon, Sean, Marlon, and
Dwayne. Get out of here!

Andy, that is so unlike Cheryl to give
me a second chance.

It's almost as though she knows you got
the wrong stuff on purpose and wants to

prove a point.

Yeah.

So, SpongeBob?

She is on to me.

Hold the phone.

Hold the phone indeed.

She is trying to get me to back down.

I'll never back down.

Game is on, baby.

It sounds like it's time for you two to
sit down and talk this out.

That sounds good on paper, but I don't
win those.

No.

have to trick her with mind games.

All right. My mistake.

No discussion could ever accomplish what
a series of secret plans could. That's

right.

Okay, think about it.

I've got to screw up so big that she'll
never ask me to go on an errand again.

It's got to be something that's very
important to Cheryl. Think about it.

about it.

Hi, Daddy. I love you.

Hi, girls.

Love.

Okay, I'm going to go put on my dress
and... Where's your tux?

My God, I was supposed to pick up the
tux!

And all I got is this bag of pistachios!

Well... Tux, nuts, easy mistake.

Don't do that, Cheryl.

Don't do that. I have let you down
again.

I'm ashamed.

You know what?

I don't even deserve these nuts.

Oh, yeah, my man's got her on the rope.
No way, she's not backing down.

Let's get back to the accident.

You have to understand... I mean,

I don't have my tux.

My suit's at the cleaners.

I got nothing to wear.

Wear that.

This?

It's fine to me.

Well, it's got a stain on it.

I see it.

And I don't know where it came from.

Let's not ruin our evening because you
made a simple mistake.

I mean, it was a mistake, wasn't it?

I don't know, was it?

It was if you say it is.

Then it was.

Okay, then.

Okay.

So, uh, shouldn't you go upstairs and
put your dress on?

going to go like that, maybe I should go
like this.

What do you think?

Well, I think that baby puke brings out
your eyes.

But you know what?

Now I'm feeling a little overdressed.

What do you think?

I love it.

Well, then perhaps you'll like the
matching pants.

That man's got some stones.

I think I just saw one of them.

So, should we go?

I can't see why not.

Shall we?

What? I can't go out like this. You got
a problem, don't you? Yes, actually.

I have to touch up my lips.

monsieur. Wait.

My driver's license.

That

was

my lipstick.

That was my wallet.

Sitting with Suzanne and Brad?

Yeah, yeah. And Brad's uncle, the
congressman. So we'll be meeting him.

I'll probably have a lot of drinks.

Me too.

Gee, I hope they have a good band.

Because I feel like shaking it.

Get in line.

Okay.

Here we are.

Oh, hey, look who that is. That's Brad
and Suzanne.

Hey, wait, Cheryl. Hey, Brad, Suzanne.

Hey, Congressman, this is my wife,
Cheryl.

No, come on over. You win.

You win.

What do you mean I win? Are we playing a
game?

Just drive, nipples.

Hey, back so soon?

Didn't expect you guys for a few hours.

Can I wear your dress?

Apparently.

Yeah, about that. It feels a little
baggy in the hips.

I believe you have my wallet? No.

check was in there.

Come and get it.

I see it's only the stub.

So, how did we get from I don't want to
pay $7 for delivery guy to here?

I don't know, Joker.

You know what I gotta say, though?

As an opponent, you never played the
game so well.

Yeah. Couldn't be prouder.

Well, you know, belly face here says you
got to roll with the punches.

Yeah, he was a big hit at the last PTA
meeting.

All right.

So.

Yeah.

Where are we?

Well, the way I see it, you're unwilling
to pay to have the groceries delivered.

That's right. But you're also unwilling
to go get them yourself.

Yes. So we're at an impasse.

I don't have a problem with that. Why do
you?

Because we have to eat.

You make an interesting point.

Oh, I have a compromise.

I hate that word.

Okay, how about we pay for the grocery
delivery with the money we saved by

canceling the Spice Channel?

Everybody stay calm.

You can keep the delivery boy.

Oh, honey, thank you.

You're a very generous man.

Oh, look, you got a lipstick on me. I
look ridiculous.

I got to know. What?

Would you have actually gone into the
party like that?

Well, baby, it wasn't whether I was
going to go in or not.

It's how long these shorts would have
stayed on.