All language subtitles for According to Jim s02e25 About a Girl

I hate corn.

Oh, honey, come on. Just try a bite.

But I hate it.

Come on, honey.

Corn is fun.

Watch.

What are you doing?

I'm pretending I'm a typewriter. Yeah.

What's a typewriter?

Well, it's like an old -fashioned
computer.

Yeah.

Oh, I still hate corn.

Honey, let me know. You sound like a
broken record.

What's a record?

And don't let Ruby run around the park
too much or she'll get overheated. I got

it. Okay, and these are antiseptic
wipes.

Band -Aids, and here's sunscreen.

Okay, and where's the plastic bubble you
keep Ruby in?

Okay, you know what?

Three kids, no kids, enough said.

Oh, really?

Okay, stretch marks, no stretch marks,
enough said.

Hi, Nana. Hi.

You ready to go? Yeah. All right.

Hey, this is not over.

No, but that hairdo is.

Oh, you are the greatest. Thanks, honey.

Bye.

You know, you never see an anvil in real
life.

Well, look how dangerous they are.

Hey, honey, I was thinking, Mother's Day
is only a week away. Have you gotten me

anything yet?

Jim? Yeah, yeah, I'll clean up after
this.

anything for Mother's Day.

Hey, don't worry. I always get you
something. I always come through.

Well, you know, what about the lingerie
I got you last year?

From the gas station?

Anyway, I know what I want. This.

What's this?

It's a pedometer. It counts your steps.
Just hook it onto your belt and walk.

All right, but when I give it to you
next week, I act surprised.

No, it's for you.

What? You know how the doctor said you
need to get more exercise?

The gift I want for Mother's Day is for
you to walk more.

Cheryl, I am in the construction
industry.

I am in great shape.

Oh, sweetie.

What shape is that, a circle?

It's only 80 ,000 steps. That's just 10
,000 steps a day till Mother's Day.

How far is 10 ,000 steps?

About five miles.

Five miles a day?

Yeah. The girls glue macaroni on a piece
of paper, you get all weepy, and I

gotta walk 40 miles?

a long, long time. I know, but... Come
on, sweetie, for me? For Mother's Day?

Come on, come on, come on. All right,
all right, all right. But just for the

record, you are not my mother.

Who is stupid enough to sell that much
dynamite to a coyote?

Haven't you been watching? A pig.

Miss Mary Mac, Mac, Mac, I'll just come
back, back, back with silver buns, buns,

buns. Can we go play on the monkey bars?

Oh, sweetie, I'd love to, but these
pants are dry clean only.

Uh -oh.

Let's see what happened.

Oh, honey, it's okay. It's just a
scrape.

Hey, you know, if you need some Band
-Aids, I got some in my bag. Oh, thank

I think we're okay.

Daddy!

Jerry's getting in my blood!

Okay, help, yes, please.

Oh, I can't, sweetie. I'm helping. Oh,
you're talking to her.

Oh, you got your pants dirty. Oh, these
are old rags.

Thanks for helping me out there.

I'm Michael.

Dana. Little girls can be so dramatic.

Trust me, we can be dramatic at any age.

Wow, that is some fancy nail polish you
have on there. Oh, thank you. My

daughter picked it out.

I would have gone with something a
little more vibrant. At the park? Never.

don't want to look cheap.

Actually, I forgot to take it off right
at the house.

I'm sure your husband's done the same
thing. Oh, I'm not married.

Really?

Boyfriend? Nope.

Me neither.

I mean, girlfriend.

See, I'm still getting used to being
single again.

Oh, don't worry.

It gets a lot harder.

Yeah, it's rough out there.

And, you know, I can't even think about
dating someone that doesn't have kids.

You know, they just don't know what we
go through.

You know, I should probably tell you
that I, um... What?

That, uh, I'm with you 100%. Because I'm
a single parent.

You know, with a kid who's single.

That's great.

Oh. Shoot, I've got to get Olivia back
to her mom's. Olivia!

You know, we're here every day after
work, so maybe we'll see you again.

Okay. Like tomorrow?

Well, that would be one of the every
days. Right.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow,
Michael.

Help! Help!

I can't get down!

I'm a mom.

My virgin?

Yeah.

Am I supposed to be feeling it in my
chest?

That was my high school football coach
used to say, no pain, no gain.

You were in a band.

Yeah, but they practiced right next to
us.

How am I doing?

Wow!

You've been walking for an hour and
you've got 4 ,322 steps.

Except that's a four -day total.

How many was that?

None. You got to be wearing it.

Oh, forget it, Andy. What?

Just forget it. Oh, okay. Is this how
we're going to play it, huh? No, I don't

want to do it.

What's next, huh? Leave the family?

No, Andy. Come on, Jim. Don't give up on
your family. Come on. I'm not giving

up. Don't give up on your family.

Girls are upstairs playing, and I'm
going to take Kyle to the pediatrician

his checkup. Okay. Hey, let me see how
many steps you've done. No, no, no, no,

no.

But you can take a guess.

Okay,

four days, 10 ,000 steps a day, 40 ,000
steps.

You're way off.

throw stuff at people.

What am I supposed to do now?

She's expecting 80 ,000 steps by
Mother's Day.

Hey, do you think she'd believe I walked
so much that this rolled over to zero?

What you need is inspiration.

Hi, yeah, hey, um, your yoga classes are
women only, right?

Yoga? Hey, hey, hey, great, great. We're
going to be walking by your window in

about a half hour. How's the herd
looking today?

Oh, please.

If you could trace this call, you would
have caught me years ago.

Hey. Hey. Is that my shirt?

You wanted that?

Is Cheryl here?

No. Huh.

How about Ruby?

No, she's upstairs playing with Gracie.
Oh, okay.

Well, why don't you take both of them to
the park? I don't want to.

Then why not?

Jim, come on. They're not conjoined
twins. Let them breathe.

Wait a minute. What?

What's going on?

Nothing. I'll have Ruby back in a couple
hours.

Hold on right there.

Now, this is the third time this week
you've taken only Ruby to the park.

Now you're stealing Ruby's artwork.

I don't know what's going on here.

But if you're making a buck, I want my
cut.

Jim, I am not doing anything.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Spill, baby.

Okay, Ruby stays with me.

Fine. Uh -huh. What's up?

There's this single father at the park
that I really like.

And he kind of assumed that Ruby was my
daughter. And so she is.

So you have deliberately deceived
someone for your own selfish reasons.

I respect that.

Please don't tell Cheryl. I can't stand
to hear her speech about being the real

you. You know, it's like the push -up
bra conversation all over again.

That's interesting.

You want something from me.

And I want something from you.

What?

Do you want me to do your walking for
you? Hey, I'm sparing you the pain of

childbirth.

Jim, this is all you've done?

Glaciers move faster than this.

Dance, monkey, dance.

Bye.

Okay, three o 'clock class, let's move.

Since when?

Only the last two years.

Any good?

No.

Well, there's $25 down the drain.

$25 for a tumbling class and I can't get
the good baloney?

No, no, no. She's not missing that
class.

I'm going to go get her.

Gracie did it.

Gracie!

Gracie! Jim, what are you doing here?
I'm here to take Ruby. She's got a

tumbling class. No, no, no. Michael's
not here yet. She can miss a lesson.

Not for 25 bucks a class.

Jim! Come on. This is not like school
where you can take him out for free.

Jim!

That's my girl. Come on, we've got to go
to Tumbling Club. Jim, this isn't fair.

We had a deal. Dina, I want my kid. No!
I want my kid, Dina.

Everything okay here? Hi, Michael. Yeah,
everything's fine.

Ruby, go play with Olivia.

So this is the famous ex.

Ex?

I thought he was still in prison.

What? Michael, can you just give us a
second?

You sure? Yeah.

Okay.

If there's any trouble, I'm stepping in.

Even though he's bigger than me and
looks like a biter.

Hey, I've been in prison, buddy.

What the hell have you been telling this
guy? Doesn't he have to be the bad guy

in this divorce?

At least I said he never hit me.

Sober.

Gee, Dana, couldn't you just say we
married young and tripped it apart?

I'm begging you, don't blow this for me.
I really like this guy. Listen, we're

going on a date on Sunday. He's taking
me to brunch at the Fairmark. Then we're

going to go for a ride on the merry -go
-round.

I'm going to tell him the whole truth
then. Dana, Sunday is Mother's Day.

Mother's Day? Yes, Dana.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, he wanted Ruby and I to have a
special day so we didn't have to spend

our depressing government housing.

Government housing?

Well, if you paid child support.

I was in prison!

Cannot have Ruby on Mother's Day. I have
to have Ruby on Mother's Day. I'm her

mother. Okay, now you're getting really
weird. This is getting creepy.

Hey, hey, hey. I didn't touch her. We're
fine.

Amicable divorce. We're fine.

Jim. You can't.

Listen, you let Cheryl sleep in.

I sneak Ruby out for a couple hours, and
then everybody wins.

Everybody wins?

Fine, I'll give you the money for Ruby's
tumbling class that she missed.

What, you think I'm in the business of
renting my kids out?

A hundred bucks.

Plus, I'll throw in 10 ,000 extra steps.

Well, I'd be stupid not to take that.

What? Sure.

Yeah.

I don't pay any attention to him.

Hey, sweetheart.

Keep those legs moving. I want 90 ,000
by Sunday.

He thinks I'm a little chunky.

Do you understand how we play this
little game?

Yeah. It's Mother's Day, so I call all
the ladies mommies. Very good.

Now remember, if you do a good job with
the game, I'm going to give you a whole

dollar.

Can I get a lollipop, too?

All right.

But it's going to come out of your
dollar.

Fine. Jim, I did not walk all night to
have my daughter leave this house

like a stolen car.

Well, why don't you just go wake up
Cheryl and have her change Ruby?

She's awake.

What's going on?

Oh, my God.

Cheryl. Cheryl.

You're going to ruin the big Mother's
Day surprise.

Yes.

All right, nobody come out now.

We're still in the original plan.

All right, why is Ruby dressed like
this?

me out to breakfast mommy okay sweetie
well why don't you

go inside so who wants to go first

how about the one my daughter calls
mommy wearing my husband's pedometer

okay um okay cheryl you know how
sometimes you meet a really cute

guy and you lie about your age

about my age, so points for me. There
you go.

All right, but why is she wearing your
pedometer?

And why are you wearing my robe?

This is my robe. Well, I think you
answered your own question then. Jim.

What? I did his walking for him in
exchange for Ruby.

I don't believe that was my mother's day
gift. Well, I got a hundred bucks too.

You rented our daughter?

Well, it's not like your high morals are
bringing any money into our house.

I'm sorry, Cheryl.

I don't know what I was thinking. Oh,
Tina.

Sweetie, you don't have to lie.

When are you ever going to learn that
true love? Here we go. Okay, the wise

perfect Cheryl's going to judge me
again.

Honey, I'm not judging you.

And I wouldn't have to if you weren't
afraid to be yourself.

Cheryl, you don't know what it's like.

You're not still single. You have the
luxury of being yourself because you're

married beneath you.

No offense, Jim.

None taken. I'm married off.

Dana, you've got to stop trying to be
me.

If you keep trying to be Cheryl, you
know what you're going to attract?

Jim.

Except no substitutes.

You know what I think? I think you love
it when I screw up because then you can

get on your high horse and wag your
little finger at me. That's so not true.

You keep saying the same thing.

Well,

you know what?

You won. I lost. You are right again.

Yeah.

Okay, great. Well, consider it my
Mother's Day present to you.

Eye contact!

Everyone in your family throws things
without eye contact.

Well, look at this.

Wow, she walked a whole 40 miles.

She walked 40 miles for this guy?

Yeah.

You know, he was a pretty good guy, too.
You should have seen the way he stood

up against her.

Like, jerk ex -husband.

What ex -husband?

Me, Cheryl.

Keep up. Keep up.

Okay.

So, who are you?

Well, um... I'm neurotic.

I'm a little insecure.

I'm told I snore.

I have a little bit of a shoe habit, but
it's under control.

Mostly. Okay, not at all.

Oh, and I'm unemployed.

Well, I think you left out smart, funny,
and beautiful.

Well, you didn't let me finish.

Dana, here's your little ruby. Hi. She
wanted to be with a real mom on Mother's

Day. I'm her stepmom. Try following that
ad.

Cheryl. You know, I tried to find her
love with gifts and toys, but she would

have none of it. You raised her too
well.

I told Michael the truth.

Oh.

Oh.

How was I? Because I did some acting in
high school.

I'm Cheryl, Dana's sister.

Nice to meet you. Yeah, you too.

Well, Ruby, why don't we go?

So, uh, Jim's really your... Yeah.

But he's so... I know. And you're so...
Thank you.

All right, buddy.

Showtime.

What's Andy doing with Kyle?

Would you stop renting our kids?

Doesn't look like Dana's in a fetal
position, so I guess everything's okay?

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Good.

All right, well, let's go home, then.

The girls really want to make their
jelly bean omelet for Mother's Day for

Oh, jelly bean omelet. Mm -hmm.

Great.

Let's go.

Oh, come on. I'm kidding, Mom.

We'll have our table in a minute.
Really? Yeah.

One condition.

What? That I walk home.

Deal.

Cheryl, Cheryl, that's ten miles.

Don't you know an empty gesture when you
hear one?

Oh, honey, you don't have to walk
anymore.

Really? No.

I thought you know an empty gesture when
you hear one.

Well, I just want you to know for
Father's Day, I want a real present.

We'll stop at the gas station on the way
home.