All language subtitles for According to Jim s02e24 No Harm No Fowl

He's next door.

Okay.

Act natural.

Oh, hey, ladies.

Hey, Bob.

God, is it Tuesday already?

Oh, shoot. It looks like we're out of
water. Would you be a dear and replace

that for me? Sure thing.

See you next week.

He gave us.

Right now, it's a beautiful day. Why
don't you guys play outside?

You know, why can't we tell you to go
play outside? Because you know she'll

never come back.

Jim, you really should come out here.
Oh, you can almost taste the sunshine.

Yeah, I'm going to go to the hardware
store.

What?

What happened?

What is this?

It's a bird.

two baseball hats together.

You think maybe someone could get me an
ice bandage, a family who loves me?

I'll get you some ice.

Come on.

Wake up, wake up.

Daddy, do something.

Oh, honey, all right. Well, it's too big
to flush.

Cheryl, get a shovel.

Jim! What? Come on, the bird is dead.
What do you want me to harvest the

A little more sensitive.

I'm being sensitive.

It's moving.

It's alive!

I saved her.

I'm going to name her Daphne. I'm going
to get her a cage. I'm going to feed

her. I'm going to play dress -up with
her.

Honey, honey, honey.

This is somebody else's pet. We cannot
keep the bird.

And I'll go to the park, and I'll bring
her to school, and I'll remember to pet

her. Sweetie, sweetie.

Whoever lost her must be very sad.

Don't you think we should go and get her
back?

No.

Gracie, I'm telling you right now. If
that bird stays, I go.

supposed to do, Jim. She called my
bluff.

I guess it's goodbye.

You're not keeping that bird. We're
going to make flyers and you're going to

them up.

Why don't we put the first flyer in
Annie's big fat head?

My head's not that big. Oh, yeah?
Charlie Brown would make fun of that.

Stupid bird.

It took me 11 years to train, Jim. I'm
not doing it for you.

Hey, Cheryl.

Where's the fashion section?

Right there.

And there. And there.

I hate that bird.

I don't like the way it looks at my
hair. You know, like it wants to move

Tell me about it. Chewed a hole in the
couch and ripped open a pillow?

Thank God you don't have nice things.

Yeah. Good news!

Some woman just called. She saw the
flyer. She sent her husband right over

now. Oh, thank God.

Gracie, come down here.

So, how do you think we should play this
with her?

I don't know. How about if you love
something, set it free?

And then, you know, if it comes back,
it's yours forever.

That's interesting.

It's a load of crap.

You know what? It just might work with
Gracie. Yeah, yeah. Good thing she's not

the smart one.

Daphne's mommy and daddy are coming to
get her.

No, she loves me. She wants to stay here
with us.

Gracie, if you love something, set it
free.

That's crap. I want my bird.

Sweetie, we all love Daphne, and we wish
she could stay. Really? And also, we

don't use that word.

Crap?

Well, only daddy uses it.

Honey, we'd really like you to keep
Daphne, but...

you know, the real owners might want it
back.

Sweet,

how sweet.

What a sweet angel.

A squawking, terrifying angel.

So, sweetheart, are you going to be a
good girl and let the nice man take his

bird? No.

Don't you want to do the right thing?

No.

Do you want to have candy ever again?

Yes.

Okay, then.

and my wife sent me over to take a look
at the bird. Yes, yes.

We are so happy that you came. There's
your bird right there. Right there.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

That's not my bird. What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no. That's your bird. I
know.

It's got to be your bird. I mean, it's
the same bird Jim drew on this flyer.

Look.

Now we know why no one called about the
dog.

Well, that's not my bird. Our bird is
different. How is it different?

It's not this one.

Come on, you've got to take this part.

I'll make it worth your while.

You like pickles?

Pickles?

That was my first offer. I was waiting
for a counter.

It means I can keep her, right, Daddy?
You said I can keep her. Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

I said only if we didn't find the real
owners.

But there's someone else coming.

There is? There is?

Yes, this afternoon.

And if it's not their bird, you can keep
Daphne forever.

Yay!

Who is it?

I don't know. I'll tell you when I think
of it.

Hey,

get it off me! Turn on the hair!

Think we should go up there and help
her?

I'm not going up there.

Yeah, her hair grows fast.

Yeah.

Nope. Dad must be Daphne's long -lost
owner.

I mean, I don't think I can go through
with this. I mean, we're lying to our

daughter. We already lied to her.

Everybody knows you can't fix a lie with
the truth.

Yeah, but I mean, those are little white
lies, and this is like a great big

green hairy one.

Fine, I'll go tell them to forget it.

Save it, Kenny, all right? Gracie!

Daphne's daddy's here!

Honey? Honey?

You got Kenny from work?

Yeah, so what?

Isn't he a little dim?

No, he's a genius. I pay eight bucks an
hour to clean up.

Hi, honey.

Hi. Hello there.

I'm here for... Yeah, yeah, the bird,
the bird, the bird. This one's yours.

that's her.

Yes, look. Great.

Well, perhaps a kiss from the missus and
I'll be on my way.

call her Cheryl.

That's my mom's name.

Oh, I call her Gracie.

That's my name.

You don't know your own bird's name?

Yeah, I got a lot on my plate.

Well, stranger, don't you think it's
time you should move on?

With your bird?

Oh, wow.

Jim, you didn't tell me he had a beak.

I thought that was implied when I said
it was a bird.

It's written on a shirt. Yeah.

That's a Chicago Bears.

She can read? Yes.

Oh, man, that's it. Game over, Jim.

Easy, easy, easy. I knew it wasn't your
bird.

You're a big liar.

All liars!

I hate you!

So how'd I do?

My pickles? Pickles are for closers!

Great day, sweetie. Let Mommy in.

No!

All right, Ruby, open the door.

Oh, Jim, we shouldn't have done that.
Now she's never going to trust us again.

Yeah, well, hindsight's always 24 -7.

Look, I think you should take the fall
for this one. What?

Come on, I've been the bad guy the last
four times.

You were the bad guy the last four
times.

Really? Yes.

Well, would a bad guy know how to pick a
lock?

Yeah.

She looks like a tiny little bomb
villain.

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, honey, we are so sorry.

It's just that birds are driving us all
crazy.

But you lied.

Yes, honey.

Sometimes parents do that because the
truth is just harder and it takes more

time.

Yeah, and sometimes mommies and daddies
make mistakes and lying to you is a big

one. Really?

Yeah.

So is Grandpa really sleeping?

No. No.

Is Thunder really angels bowling?

No. Is Mommy really 29? Yes.

That Dagwood.

Oh, the guy's got a hot wife and all he
can think about is giant sandwiches.

Never happened in real life.

She's gone. Daphne's gone.

What? I went upstairs to get Daphne, and
the window was open, and she's gone.

You did it. You opened the window. You
hate her.

I did not do that, honey. I swear.

Casey.

Cheryl. What?

Leaving the window open? You didn't
think she'd get that?

If I wanted that bird gone, it'd be deep
fried by now.

Besides, I seem to remember Dana leaving
windows open before.

Dana? Oh, come on, you guys. It's
obvious. This has a stink of jam all

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Accusing
the accuser? I invented that, Dodge. You

know it was you, Dana. You know it. All
right, all right. Stop it. Stop it.

We're turning on each other.

Cheryl's right.

Don't you see it, guys? Don't you see
it?

This is exactly what Gracie wants.

Spread us up so she can take us out one
at a time.

I want to go look for Daphne. All right,
honey, we'll just be back by dinner.

Sweetie, maybe Daphne went to the park.
Why don't you and Daddy go look

together? Come on, Daddy, hurry!

All right, all right, sweetie, I'm right
behind you.

Andy, Andy, come on, you're coming with
me. Why do I have to go?

This is a complete waste of time. You
know we'll never find that bird.

Andy, I went bar hopping with you
knowing full well you wouldn't find a

I do love the park.

Beautiful day.

Fluffy cloud of cotton candy.

Oh, college kids playing frisbee. Dude,
hit me high!

Right in my bird lump.

Daphne! Daphne!

Daphne! Where is she, Daddy?

Oh, Gracie, I don't know.

Come here, baby.

Come over here. You know what?

We've been looking for a whole hour.

I don't think Daphne's here.

I mean, for all we know, she could be in
Mexico right now.

Mexico? Oh, yeah. Birds love Mexico.

It's sunny and warm. We've got peanut
butter waterfalls and birdseed beaches.

Okay, that's not quite the truth.

But if she's there, and I think she is.

I'm sure she's having a good time.

Psst.

Let me see what you're doing.

Yeah. All right. Psst, Jim.

What?

B -I -R -D -A -T -C -I -X -O -C -L -O -C
-K.

You want to have sex with a clock?

Hey, Gracie.

Why don't you count the grass between
here and the rock, and I'll give you a

nickel.

Moments away from a clean getaway. I
hate that bird. I got an idea. Okay, all

need is three dryer sheets, a gallon of
chocolate milk, and a beekeeper's hat.

What do you say we just walk this way
and maybe Gracie will follow us?

Well, if you want to think inside the
box, sure.

Wait.

What?

I can't lie to Gracie again.

What? I can't go.

You're going to be stuck with that bird
forever. They live longer than people,

you know.

But look at her.

I can't hurt her. And this is my
daughter.

Yeah.

Man, I hope one day I'm as good a dad as
you are.

Long time.

Since I've climbed a tree.

Sober.

Hi. Hey, birdie.

Okay, baby.

Okay, take it easy now.

That's it. Help me.

Okay.

Come here.

Nice and easy.

Come on.

Come here, you stupid little bird.

Come on. Come on. Come over here for a
minute.

I'm just going to miss the Chicago
Marathon again this year.

Well, I'm not doing it alone, so I guess
I'm out too.

You guys have the worst luck with that.

All right, Jim, use your ice pack.

Oh, can you put it under my tailbone?

Yeah, life's too short.

Why couldn't a kitty have flown into
your head? I like kitty.

Look at yourself. You're losing it.
We're playing right into Gracie's hands.

get off it.

Look, Gracie's happy.

If she gets bored of the bird in the
wing, then Dana can open the window

I told you it wasn't me.

Well, somebody opened the window. It
didn't just open itself.

I hate that bird.

I'd yell at her, but my heart wouldn't
be in it.

Hello?

Yeah. I'm Ginger Curran, and I believe
you met my husband, Sean.

about spending $2 ,000 on another bird,
so just where's the bird?

Gracie?

Georgie!

That's my Georgie.

But it's not Georgie. It's Daphne.

Oh, sweetie, come here.

Oh, honey.

I know you took really good care of that
bird. Oh, my little Georgie.

I'll never let you out of my sight
again.

Yes. Yeah.

Mommy, can I take a bite of Daphne?

Oh, sure, sweetie.

Birds in a tree. Would you come out
here?

Ugh, I hate that bird.

Hey.

Hey. What's up?

Bird's gone again. No.

Seen it? No.

Come to think of it, I haven't seen
Gracie in a few days either.

I grow up stupid.