All language subtitles for According to Jim s02e19 The Pass

Honey, use the one upstairs.

Greasy's in there.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Well, you're gonna have to wait.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

I gotta go to the bathroom. Ruby.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Quiet. I gotta go to the bathroom.

I gotta go to the bathroom. Fine, fine,
fine.

You know who's gonna love this story?

Your prom date.

Not right now. I'm in the middle of a
turf war.

Are you having a snowball fight with the
Flynn kids again?

Yeah. They wanted five bucks a piece to
shovel the driveway. When I refused,

they attacked me.

Then who shoveled the driveway?

They did.

Jim, you stiffed them?

Stiffed them.

Or taught them a valuable life lesson.

Actually, Flynn had me pinned down, so I
rolled into a ball for protection.

That's how the armadillos do it.

Oh, man.

I'm wet.

Hello?

Oh, yes, hi.

Hey, you know what hit the spot right
about now?

Steamy mug of hot chocolate.

Marshmallows, whipped cream, love ya.

Yeah, well, we're out of hot chocolate.

Oh, okay.

On a day like this, Mom always had some
ready, but you're not Mom, are you?

Wait, you know what?

I think we do have hot chocolate.

Really? No.

You are Mom.

All right.

Thank you very much.

Hi, who was that?

Oh, nobody.

I just beat out four other contractors
for a big job.

Oh, that's bad.

The client is Daryl Bachner. I went to
school with him.

So that's why I'm a little hesitant
about getting in bed with him.

Honey, that's an industry term for, you
know, working together.

I mean, I don't really want to, you
know, sleep with a guy.

Oh, darn.

I thought I'd finally be able to cross
that off my fantasy list.

No, Daryl was one of those guys that
always had everything, you know?

He was cool. He had the coolest car. He
was really popular.

You know the type.

Hell, you were the type.

Yeah, I was. Yeah, you were.

All right, he wants us to go out to
dinner with him tomorrow night.

I guess I can find a way to cancel.

Honey, he said this was a big job. We
should go.

I don't know, honey. It's just going to
be one giant infomercial about him and

his accomplishments.

Well, and I'll be right next to you
talking about your accomplishments.

Hey, and I'll look resplendent.

But... That's a good thing.

Okay. All right, we'll do it. Oh, boy,
it sure feels good to get out of those

wet clothes.

Andy, you know you don't live here,
right?

That's why I have the towel on.

I would have given them the $250 ,000
even if they hadn't named the stadium

after me.

You know, they named the sandwich after
Jim at the lunch wagon.

Really?

Yeah. Well, I mean, it's not really...
It's more of a melt than a sandwich.

But if you like fried bologna and
sauerkraut, then the big Jim is your

Buckner.

Konnichiwa. Would you excuse me? I have
to take this. It's my broker in Japan.

The big gym?

Well, honey, you're so proud of it.
Honey, I am proud that Kyle did a boom

in a big boy toilet, but I didn't bring
any pictures.

Who are you calling?

Andy. Andy.

Will you do me a favor and call me right
back?

Why? What movie?

Oh. Bruce Willis is a ghost and he
doesn't know it.

Sorry about that.

It's all right. I am getting way too
global. Oh, I know the feeling.

Hey, I'm on a toast.

Sure. To our upcoming collaboration.

My work on my new home turned out to be
stunning. That's your wife. Oh, great.

Thank you.

That never stops.

Hello.

Oh, yes, councilman.

A como stay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a busy man.

Oh, yeah.

You know, Jim was telling me that you
two have been married for eight years.

Eleven and a half, yeah.

That's great.

I'm divorced.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, no, you gave me a
great reason to move back home. Oh,

well.

Do you know of a decent place to buy a
suit around here?

Oh, yeah, Kispy's on Oak. Is that where
Jim goes?

Oh, just once. He got in a fight.

Yeah, no one had ever measured his
inseam before.

You know, I'm really not good at picking
out clothes.

Yeah. Hey, you want to come with me?

I'll buy you some dinner, and we can
make a night out of it.

Oh, okay.

Well, we'll have to pick a night when
Jim's free, but that'd be fun.

No, I was thinking it would just be the
two of us. You know, you and I.

Just me?

Oh,

I don't think my husband would like that
very much.

Well, you don't tell him.

Oh, no, no, no, Councilman. Honestly,
that's why I'm here.

Okay, via condote.

Truth or dare? Truth.

Ever eat a booger?

Yes. Ew!

Ew!

Aunt Dana, truth or dare?

Truth. Who's your boyfriend?

Well, this guy named Steve.

But he's not really my boyfriend.

He should be, though. We've gone out
enough times. But I guess the word

boyfriend is too stifling for Steve.
What is it with men and commitment?

Just say dare next time.

Dumbo shrimp.

Yay!

Now remember, those are for eating. I
don't want you dressing them up this

I'm going to meet somebody and be happy,
right?

Dana, I told you, just say dare next
time.

You look upset. What's the matter?

All right.

I'm going to tell you something, but I
need you to promise not to tell Jim.

But Cheryl, Jim is my brother -in -law.
I can't keep secrets from him. I love

him. Can you imagine?

All right, listen.

Tonight at dinner, Jim's client hit on
me.

What? Jim got up from the table and he
asked me out.

Oh, my God.

Why did it have to look so resplendent?

But you know what? Maybe I'll never see
him again and then I can just pretend it

never happened.

So you're not going to tell Jim?

No. He'll get all jealous and crazy and
do something stupid.

Yeah, you're right. You shouldn't tell
him. Okay, good. I mean, you don't

usually tell him when men hit on you,
right?

Oh, come on.

You make it sound like it happens all
the time.

Well... It does.

What about the deli guy at Dominic's
Grocery?

Elliot? Yeah. He's in college. He
doesn't even count.

He does have great arms, though. Oh,
please. What, am I blind?

Jim?

Honey, are you awake?

Jim?

I need to talk.

Sure. Why not?

The guy with the job doesn't need to
sleep.

What do you want to talk about?

I don't know. Did you have fun at dinner
tonight?

Fun? Yeah.

Well, it was fun, but... I mean,
Bachner's Bachner. What am I going to

It's just a job. I'll just learn to deal
with it.

Oh, by the way, he's coming over
tomorrow to prove some plans.

What?

Bachner's coming here? Yeah.

Don't worry, you don't have to do
anything special. Just some chips and

vacuum and dust. You know, the usual
drill.

What?

Okay, honey.

I didn't want to have to tell you this,
but, um... Tonight at dinner, when you

got up to use the phone... Right.

Buckner hit on me.

I totally handled it. It's fine. Nothing
happened. I just... I thought if he was

going to come over here, then you should
know.

Honey, come on. Say something.

Yes!

My house, my house, my house. Who's
house, who's house, who's house? My

my house. I win.

I win.

All right.

Well, I'm off to make more of what fuels
this dream we live.

You mean the one where my sister marries
beneath her and I have to tolerate the

guy?

You know, Dean, I'm running a little
late, so I'm going to call you from the

with a cutting remark, all right?

Hey, remember, a boxer's coming. I know.

What are you going to wear?

I don't know, Jim.

Why don't you get yourself something
sexy?

Jim, this is $20.

Yeah, I also need some socks.

All right, girls, Mama wants to talk to
Aunt Dana. Go into the living room and

watch TV.

How about not to miss our breakfast?

Take it with you.

But we're not allowed to eat in front of
the TV.

Eat in front of the piano. Go.

So I guess you didn't tell Jim that
Wagner hit on you last night. Oh, I did.

did. He jumped up and down, pumped his
fist, and did that thing with his

Oh, God, the eighth victory dance.

He's just so excited that Wagner wants
something he has. Me.

Okay, can I just make this about me for
a second, please? Yeah, go ahead. You

are already married, and now a
millionaire wants you, too?

Okay, back to you.

I mean, I don't expect Jim to beat him
up, but couldn't he just hate his guts

for a few minutes?

So what are you going to do when he gets
here?

Nothing. Only for a couple hours. I
don't want to blow this job for Jim.

Hello. Oh, hey, Jim.

Yeah, you got a good one?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, but I'm not Chinese, so that
doesn't make sense.

Okay, call me back.

So what I'm looking for in the media
room is some kind of feared feeding.

you'd have to hold 15 people. 15? Okay.

And over here in the domed observatory,
what I really... Oh, I can't stand it.

This house is the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen, isn't it, Jim?

Well, the most beautiful thing I've ever
seen is my wife, but... This is okay.

Okay?

Look at this. The master bedroom alone
is bigger than this whole house. Well,

what good is all that space if you don't
have somebody to share it with?

Am I right?

I'll move in.

Yeah.

I'm an excellent gardener, and let's
face it, Jim's company's going nowhere.

Yeah, Danny's blood sugar's getting low.
Snack us up.

You know what? I bet she's going to come
in here all dressed up. Oh, boy.

I wonder what kind of provocative
ensemble she put together for tonight.

Swaps?

How about that, huh?

Leaving every curve a mystery.

You're a lucky man, Jim. So, to be fair
to say, you wish you were me?

What? Thank you.

Hey, Cheryl, wait a minute.

Take that thing out of your hair and,
you know...

Shake your head and do that smile like
you do. I don't want to. Oh, no, come

honey. You've got to do it. Oh, you've
got to see this. You've got to see it.

looks like a shampoo commercial. It just
lights up the room. No, come on, do it,

honey. What are you doing? No, like
this.

I'm hot.

I'm hot.

I'm flipping my hair and I'm looking
sexy and I know it. I'm hot. I'm hot.

Jim.

I don't want to do it. Would you let it
go?

There ain't no taming that, Philly, huh?

So as your gardener, what's your policy
on nudity in the hot tub?

Cheryl, what's going on? Come on. Do
that thing with your hair.

I don't talk like that. Oh, yes, you do.

Oh, you don't even have me down. You
know, after eight years of marriage.

in tight leather pants and I paraded you
around a PTA meeting.

What, I have to stay for the whole
meeting?

That's not the point.

The point is that Buckner hit on me and
you don't even care.

Come on, what do you want me to do,
honey? I want you to be jealous.

I want it to make you crazy.

No, I'm not going to be jealous because
I'm not jealous. You don't have to be

happy that Buckner wants me.

But I am.

Honey, remember that car I told you you
had? He had a...

Beautiful, beautiful Trans Am. And he
would drive it around that town like he

owned the world. And you know what?

He did.

And now it's my turn, baby. I'm in the
driver's seat.

Are you listening to yourself?

Now you're comparing me to a car.

Oh, honey, you're not a car. You're a
person.

You're a loving, caring, lovely person.
And persons always beat out stuff.

Congratulations, Jim. Congratulations,
you won. Do you want me to get you a

trophy? Honey, you're the only trophy I
need.

What?

What? I keep saying nice stuff and you
keep walking away.

I don't get it.

If Bruce Willis is a ghost, how can the
kids see him?

Well, it's because he has six percent.

Where'd that come from?

The title.

Whoa.

Oh, thank God.

Hey.

Is everything all right?

No.

No, not really.

Look, I need to say something here, and
this may cost me the job, but I know you

hit on Cheryl last night.

What?

No, I didn't. Yeah, you did.

Oh.

I see.

It's a little early in the day for the
twins to be dancing, but my,

how they do love the dance.

Andy, Andy, Andy, put the twins away for
a little bit. Go outside. I need a

minute with them.

Fine.

Patience, boys.

Your day will come.

Come on.

Cheryl told me all about it.

All right. You know, I did.

You know, maybe I should go.

Jim, look, I'm sorry. You know, it was
stupid, and I was out of line.

Well, you came on to my wife, which, by
any rule, you know,

isn't good.

But I also treat her like a thing.

That's up.

Apparently even worse.

Cheryl's not a thing.

I mean, she's... She's everything.

She's listening at the top of the
stairs.

Really? Yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, man, I am steaming mad!

That's pretty good. Thank you.

You want to take a swing at me? Yeah,
maybe I should.

And you take this back to Studville.

Hey,

you really punched me.

Don't ever hit on my wife again.

See you Monday?

Yeah.

Nine -ish.

So I'll draw up those plans and talk to
you Monday, huh?

Yeah, that'd be great.

Hey, did someone drop a dollar on the
sidewalk there?

How much of that did you hear?

The sincere part.

And the part for my benefit.

You know, Cheryl, I dated a lot of women
before I met you.

I mean, a lot of women.

Conservative estimates, I'd say...
What's your point, Jim?

You and I got this really good thing
going.

Yeah.

And I'm not going anywhere.

And you're not going anywhere.

But I want you to know if there was ever
a moment that I thought that you wanted

somebody else, I wouldn't just be jolly.

I'd be shattered.

Oh, honey, come on. No, I would.

That's never, ever going to happen. But
you see, understand,

I know that.

That's why it doesn't bother me that
guys flirt with you all the time.

I mean, like the guy who works at the
deli at the grocer.

That doesn't bother me.

Who?

A college kid with the great arms.

College kid, great arms, isn't... Oh,
the girl with the great arms.

I'll see you Monday.

Monday.

Jim said it.

Oh, well, isn't that so sweet?

Will you enjoy your meal?

What are you doing setting my sister up
for that creep?

You see, it's perfect.

Dana needs a man and Buckner needs to be
punished.