All language subtitles for According to Jim s02e18 Wonder Woman

The reigning 2002 Wiffle Golf champion
lines up his shot.

With the wins today, the hole should
play left to right.

All right, I'm thinking about using a
four iron, maybe a five. What do you

think, Ruby?

I don't know.

I'm five.

Good pick.

Ruby, you're fired.

Yay!

The champ addresses the ball.

I think he's going to be very happy with
that.

All right, we're going to the mall. You
coming?

Uh, yeah, I'm not going to be doing
that.

Well, if that's right, you're cleaning
out the garage today.

Yeah, I'm not going to be doing that
either.

How will I even ask anymore?

I don't even know why you get out of bed
anymore.

All right, kiss goodbye.

Honey, honey, I got a birdie coming up.
I'll get you in the back of the car.

This for 13 under par.

And the lead.

Kyle, take note here.

You're going to be caddying next year.

Ooh.

I like this better than real golf. Half
the walking, twice the beer.

Care to join me in the clubhouse?

Dana, think about what you're saying.
You want to have all three of my kids

a sleepover? Oh, sure, I'll be fine. I
hired a nanny for the night.

What? Well, yeah, I can't bond with them
if I'm busy feeding them and giving

them baths.

You really got that maternal instinct
thing down.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

I said I'd give you a nice break.

Yeah, you want to give me a break? Take
Jim for the night.

Yeah, like I want to have him on my new
rug.

Oh, my God!

Gerald, no!

Okay, yeah.

Oh, look at you. You can't drive. All
right, you do it. I can't drive.

I'll just call Jim. No, no, no.

You can't call Jim. He'll freak out.

But Cheryl, we have to do something.

No, no, no.

We're just going to sit here until we
calm down.

cushion to blow.

What's wrong with you?

What? I'm fine. No, no, no, no, no.

Ever since you came back from the mall,
you've been acting a little weird. No.

Come on.

Oh, wait a second. I know what's going
on here.

Did Mommy spend a little too much of
Daddy's money?

You want a little knee with that elbow,
Jim? Oh!

You must have spent a lot, didn't you?
Was it more than 20?

No. You can let it go.

Come on, Cheryl. I work hard for my
money. I want to know what you...

I got robbed. I got mugged.

What?

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Why the hell didn't you tell me? What
happened?

I was just walking in my car and this
guy ran up behind me and he grabbed my

purse. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my
God.

What did the security guard do? What did
the police say? I didn't call the

police because I got my purse back. How?

Well, I...

I kind of chased after the guy, and I
tackled him, and I got it back. I'm

to brush my teeth.

What? Were you crazy?

Well, I wasn't thinking. You could have
gotten killed.

The adrenaline just sort of took me.
Sure, sure. What if he fought back? What

he had a gun?

He didn't. Yeah, well, he could have.
And you know what? You could be in the

hospital right now, or worse, you'd be
in the morgue. Will you calm down? I am

not going to calm down. You talk about
being a responsible parent all the time.

You're supposed to be the smart one out
of the two of us.

Did you see why I didn't tell you? I
knew you'd overreact. I am not

overreacting. What are you doing? I'm
going to go kick some ass.

Jim, you don't even know what he looks
like. It doesn't matter, Cheryl. Who

cares? It's after midnight. The streets
are full of scum.

Would you calm down? You're not going
anywhere.

Oh, yeah? From now on, neither are you.

Unless I'm right by your side. You go
right, I go right. You go left, I go

You go squiggly, I go squiggly.

I get it. It's insane.

What are you going to do, follow me
around for the rest of my life? If I

to, yes.

No, no, honey, you're not.

You're not.

No. You're going to go to work tomorrow,
and I'm going to do my stuff just like

any other day.

Come on, sweetie. Let's go to bed. Oh,
please, Cheryl.

Do you think you're getting sex after
this?

I was talking about sleeping.

I can't sleep now. I can't sleep now.
Come on, Nick. Look, I made a mistake.

I did.

It will never happen again, okay?

The important thing is I'm fine. And I
am.

So come on.

Get a good night's sleep. It won't look
so bad in the morning.

Come on. All right.

But I am not done talking about this.
Okay.

Oh, Cheryl.

I'm sorry. You've been through a lot
today.

I just think it's cruel to deny you sex.

Looks like the streets are a little bit
safer now, huh?

What do you say to that, dirtbag?

Ma 'am, you left your credit card at the
register.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Jerk. Hey, you should be running around
in parking lots.

Talk about being in the right place at
the right time, huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh, right there.

Man, I didn't realize how sore I'd
gotten tackling that mugger. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. My turn.

I don't feel like it.

Hey, I massage your back, you massage
mine. That was the agreement.

Yeah, I'm not going to honor it.

Oh, honey.

Oh, I am so glad you're home. What? Hey,
I stubbed my toe on the fridge earlier.

Would you knock it down and beat it
senseless for me?

Very funny.

Very funny.

I thought we talked about this. I
overreacted, and I'm fine now.

Andy, thanks for watching the show. Your
shift is over.

No problem, buddy.

I'd like to get that ten bucks you
promised. Oh, yeah, I'm not going to

that. You know, you two are perfect for
each other.

Sit down.

Sit down, honey.

All right, I've been thinking, and you
know what?

I know that I cannot follow you around
all day. And even if I could, that would

be wrong.

I know that now. I understand that.

Thanks to a phone call from the attorney
to the guy I tackled.

I'm very proud of you. It looks like you
really thought this through. Yes, I

did. And you know what?

I found a way to make peace with it.
Really?

Yes, Cheryl.

Meet your new bodyguards, Gunter and
Fritz.

Very gentle.

But you're going to have to learn
German. What?

German shepherds, their native tongue.

Here, I got a cheat sheet.

Hey, guess what, girls? Your sleepover
at Aunt Dana's going to start a little

early. Hey, take him to a movie. Okay.

I want to see Candy Pony's Rainbow Land.

Oh, you know what? I saw that last
night.

But we could go shoe shopping. Come on.

She's lying.

You know what?

I'm going to head out, too.

I'll introduce myself later when my
pants are meat -free.

Hey, they're cute, huh?

What?

I want these monsters out of my house.
Cheryl, just try

for 24 hours. If you haven't bonded with
them by then, I'll get rid of them.

Jim. Come on, there's a better deal than
I got with Andy and Dana.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Hey, were you bonding with the boys?

No, it's creepy. I feel like a prisoner.

Does that make you hot? No.

You know what?

You're going to sleep better tonight
than you have in years.

Not that sleeping is on the itinerary
for this evening.

What's that?

Cheryl, we've been married for 11 years.
If you don't know by now...

care of this household, to protect you,
protect the family.

I am Homeland Security.

Okay, I'm going to get Gunter, and I'm
going to leave Fritz for you.

All right.

Attack command, attack command.

Do you not know the attack command?

Yes, yes. Okay, here.

Got it? Got it?

Don't forget it. Stay here. Stay right
here.

Fritz, could you watch my wife, please?

Roger Ebert.

What's he like?

Okay.

Can I leave that window open?

You know, you live in this country now.
You should learn the language.

Yes I did.

instantly turn into teddy bears do it

it's upstairs on the list in the bedroom
isn't it

Think they're gone?

No, Cheryl.

We gave them the attack command.

Their only mission in life is to tear us
apart.

Would you check?

mall with you that day. We wouldn't be
here right now.

What happened?

It's over. Can you let it go?

How can you be so okay about this? I'm
not. I'm terrified.

I'm terrified, Jim. I have to go to that
mall all the time and I'm scared every

time I pull into the parking garage.

What am I going to do? Not go to the
mall?

Yes. Not going to happen.

Jim, come on.

I got to go on with my life and so do
you.

Tell me.

That's the first time that I actually
considered the possibility that... What?

That you could die before me.

Oh, honey.

I mean, you know what? I mean, if
something ever happened to you, honey, I

start crying. I could never stop.

I mean, you know what? I didn't even
kiss you that day. You know that? That

could have been the last time I saw you.

Oh, honey. I know. I know.

I think about that stuff, too, and
sometimes it really freaks me out.

But you know what, sweetie? We just
can't dwell on it.

Really, we need to enjoy the time we
have here together.

Okay?

You just kissed me on the toilet.

He said you would never do that.

Special circumstances.

What would happen if suddenly I was out
of the picture? What would you do? How

would you support yourself? Living
trust.

Well, that's good. You're prepared.

How long would you wait?

Andrew.

My yoga instructor.

He's gay.

He's still not gay!

Cheryl, if you want to continue going to
that yoga class, he's gay.

How about you?

Must have somebody picked out.

Well, I don't dwell on it, but... I
think it would have to be Melissa Stark

Monday Night Football.

Or that girl with the big knockers at
the buying bag.

Please! Those are so fake!

They're not fake! Jim, if you want to
keep going to the buying bag, they're

fake. Okay, they're fake.

So, here we are.

I can't follow you.

Gotta get rid of the dogs, and you
insist on leaving the house.

What am I supposed to do?

Same thing I do every time you bite into
a chili dog.

Look the other way and hope for the
best.

Yeah, you should really give those
things up, and I know I'm not gonna.

Gracie, she does this all the time. She
takes one bite and she throws it away.

No, honey, don't eat that.

No, no, honey.

You're getting us out of here.

What? Remember this allergy medicine
that you took? Yeah.

Remember how it knocked you out for half
a day? Yeah.

You do the same thing to the dogs.

Oh. Oh, honey, is that much okay for
them?

Honey, they are trying to kill us. I
think I'm being nice.

Okay, don't worry about it. It's just
going to knock them out.

They won't die.

Okay, careful.

Okay.

It'll take about 15 minutes for it to
kick in.

We got 15 minutes. I know.

What do we do with the other 10?

This is Harry Carey. Holy cow, Stoney.
Saturday afternoon, Wrigley

Field. Got a couple of fans in the crowd
doing the wave.

this kid from the wheat fields of
Illinois could give the Cubs their first

Series championship in 95 years.

Outside toy!

Outside toy!

All right.

We're going to the mall to replace the
vase that Gracie broke at Aunt Dana's.

I know.

I hope they didn't keep you up all
night. Oh, are you kidding? It was the

nanny's problem. I was in bed by nine.

Oh, Cheryl, wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute before you go.

Here. Emergency whistle.

Put it in your pocket.

Pepper spray.

Spray them right in the eyes.

Here, here. Nail gun.

Jim.

Come on, honey. Will you just take it
with you? I want you to be safe. I'm not

bringing a nail gun.

All right, I'll keep it for myself.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

What? I forgot the most important thing.

If this goes on much longer, can I have
the nail gun?

I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you, too.

Bye.

Bye.

The count remains full as lover boy digs
into the play.

Let's hope his mind is back on the game
and off the kissy kissy.

Cubs win! Yes, Cubs!

Thank

you,

Uncle Andy.

We love you.

Oh, I love you too, girls. Okay, time's
up. Uncle Andy's turn.

Thank you. At least there's one other
decent person around here.

Can you do me first? Sure, no problem.