All language subtitles for According to Jim s02e15 The Smell of Success

Four, three, two, one.

Party 6 -10.

The Bears win the Super Bowl.

Man. Do you think someday we could watch
the real Super Bowl instead of this

tape from 1986?

Well, if they had videotape in 1908,
we'd be watching the Cubs winning the

Series right now.

So, a trip back to the 96 NBA Finals,
watch the Bulls play the Suns?

Did we win that one?

I don't recall.

Nor do I.

Women

don't

need all these toilets.

Well, let's cut a couple of them.

keep the 26 open?

It's Gracie's career day at school. Oh,
not career day. Can't you go and feed

him that line about how raising kids is,
you know, a full -time job?

Oh, yeah, you know, I would, but that
day I'm sitting in the hot tub all day

eating bonbons.

When I did career day for Ruby last
year, all the kids just stared at me.

I mean, the only one that bombed worse
than me was an actuary.

I felt bad for his kid.

Honey, come on. You did it for Ruby. You
gotta do it for Gracie.

All right.

Well, you think I can become an
astronaut by the 26th?

Well, you could certainly be rejected by
the 26th.

That's my boy. Did you hear that pitch?

Did you hear that tonal quality?

Yeah, most kids couldn't pull that off
until they were six.

Yeah, honey, maybe we can get him into
the gifted program.

Wow,

he's on a roll.

Hey, hey, hey, no, no, don't encourage
him. That's exactly how it started with

Jim. Oh, come on, Cheryl. You know you
want to laugh. Come on, it doesn't

if you're a truck stop hooker or the
Queen of England. Everybody agrees on

thing. Farts, funny.

Daryl, remember that whoopee cushion we
had when we were kids? Big laugh.

Andy, I shared a room with you. It
wasn't always the whoopee cushion.

Man, if I were to come up with a whoopee
cushion, I'd be wearing solid gold

pants right now.

Yeah. That would really test that gold
doesn't tarnish thing.

Hey, what if we came up with a toy, you
know, like a doll, that made that exact

sound?

I think I'm sitting on a brilliant idea.

You got, like, your other brilliant
ideas?

The self -folding pants?

Donuts filled with liquor?

Cheryl, that was a good idea. Open up
your mind, will you?

You know what? If Henry Ford's wife had
your kind of attitude, we would have

conceived Gracie on the back of a horse.

You know, Jim, if you're serious about
this doll thing, we should work up a

prototype. Prototype? I don't know.
Sounds like a lot of time and...

No, it'll be easy. I'll do everything.

Oh, and I'll do the rest.

Hey, you know, this could work.

Can you imagine if this thing took off?

Oh, come on. Are you actually going to
put time and money into making a doll

that just passes gas?

What makes you think that's the only
thing it could do?

I mean, maybe it could speak. You know,
maybe it could teach kids history.

Okay, Jim, that is crazy. You're right.
It'll just fart and talk.

Hey, how about this?

Call the gas company. They think we have
a leak.

Oh, hey, how about, Houston, we are a go
for launch.

It's a very interesting job. You see, he
gets people together, and he shows them

how to make a building.

Does he get free ice cream?

No. Then I don't want him to come.

Well, he is coming, and you better
pretend what he does is interesting.

Yeah, just like your mommy does.

Your attention, please.

Not since Thomas Alva Edison conquered
the darkness with his daring elect...

Electric lights in 1883.

Presenting... Cassie Gus.

Hey, I was gonna say that. Yeah, like in
three hours.

Okay, go ahead. Squeeze it.

And I can talk to him. He might really
go for this.

You see that? You see that? Even your
sister believes in me. And she has no

reason to because she knows I can't
stand her.

Go on, Dana.

No, no, no, Dana, don't go on.

You're just throwing fuel on the
crackpot.

I know, I know. Most of the time Jim
talks and I just hear static. But this

I think you might be on to something.

universal language.

Now, if you'll turn to page 23 in your
regional marketing report, you'll see

steady sales growth and novelty toy
profits regardless of economic climate.

Oh, right.

46 % of men and 31 % of women will
purchase at least one to three novelty

annually. She's killing us here. I'm on
it. If you look at the insert graph on 3

.01... Excuse me, Dana.

Not since Thomas Alva Edison.

Excuse me, folks, if I may.

What are you doing? I am bringing seven
people out of a coma.

Folks, you know, you can't really put
the joy of farting onto a graph.

But you can squeeze it into a tiny pair
of overalls.

Now that's a skyscraper.

Thank you for your time.

No, Mommy, put your pinky up. You look
like a truck driver.

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl. Hi,
Daddy.

We're having a tea party. What kind of
tea do you want?

Uh, beer?

Cheryl, the investors loved it. They
just loved it. When Gassy Gus let one

it was like mixing Christmas with chili.

This is going to be big, and I intend to
parlay it into fast cars and cheap

women.

Or cheap cars and fast women. Either
way, I'm good.

They actually bought into the whole doll
thing? Well, not yet, but they will.

You know what? These investors probably
hear a thousand ideas a day. I don't

want you to get your hopes up, because
you'll just be disappointed if it

happen. Why can't you believe in me? The
man has a vision.

Yes, honey.

Some men...

Look at a farting doll and ask why.

I look at a farting doll and ask, why
not?

Hey, they loved it.

What? Yes, there is.

You're serious? Yes, they're going to
invest.

They think it's going to be bigger than
the singing bass.

Oh, yeah, sweet.

Oh, chicks love rich guys.

Now I can finally afford to let myself
go.

You too, buddy.

Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus, Gus.

To Gessie Gunn, who will cost $2 to
make, but retail for $19 .95.

$29 .95 in Canada. To our foolish
neighbors to the north.

When are the checks going to start
rolling in? Because there's a couple of

I want to make sure I can afford to
punch.

Well, first the investors have to take
their 70 % cut.

70 % cut?

But we came up with the idea.

Yeah, but they're the ones who are
putting up the money.

Well, here's to the mime in Grant Park
that gets to live another day.

Hey, guys.

I made mini pizzas for our little
celebration.

Celebration? Yeah.

It was a dream. We all worked hard.

And it became a reality.

Here it's to us.

You know, honey, when you say the words
we and us, it implies that you had

something to do with the success of this
project.

Yeah, you said it was never going to
happen.

Yeah, you told me not to waste my time
with these goofballs. She said

Goofballs? Yeah.

You know, like a sounding board?

Every successful team needs that.

Here's Jeff.

Look who's on board.

You know, Cheryl, I don't really need
you there at the podium when

they're swearing me in.

I need you in Iowa, New Hampshire,
kissing babies and shaking hands.

You know, I want my wife to be first in
line, not fifth.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Is it me, or is this bandwagon getting a
little crowded?

Cheryl, you made your bed. Now lie in
it.

I make all the beds!

True, she does. She makes all the beds.

And it didn't matter that the building
was burning.

It was my job to go in there and... Save
the old kitten.

Was it worth it?

You tell me.

That is so shameless.

Yeah, really.

Can I play with the kitty?

Thank you, Monica's dad, for that
inspiring tale of selfless heroism.

Well, we've heard from a fireman, a
candy maker, and a real life...

Let's see who's next.

Oh, how about Gracie's dad?

It's like following Sinatra.

Eddie, come on. We're on. You are a gift
from God? Yes, you are.

Okay. Thank you, Mrs. Ganzel.

run into a burning building.

But can you ever stop to think, who
built that burning building?

Well, in some cases, it was me.

I am a general contractor.

It's my job to execute building plans
and secure permits from the city.

Andy, would you put the clapped cricket
in the hallway?

It's very distracting.

Honey, honey, show them the blueprints.

They're really blue.

Blueprints? Let me get them out of my
bag.

Danger! Blasting zone!

You thought that was funny, huh?

Honey, honey, not here.

You want to hear another one?

Yeah!

Nasty Gus.

I made him. I'm also an inventor.

You invented the fart?

I reinvented it.

Can we play with him, Daddy?

Sure, Gracie. I could pass it around.

Unless you'd rather play with the
kitten.

Yes,

question. from one of the jealous
parents in the back.

Yeah, you're responsible for Gassy Gus?

Well, and me. Here, take this filthy
animal.

I'm Andy.

Don't forget about me.

No, I won't. I won't. You've been
served.

This is a cease and desist notice.

I'm here on behalf of Monko Toys. Gassy
Gus is a copyright infringement on a

line of novelty dolls that they already
make. Wait, some big company already

makes this thing? But this is based on
me.

I mean, it's my voice. It's my sound
that I make.

Yes, well, the fact remains that if you
continue to make or sell these, you will

be in violation of Section 501A of the
Copyright Infringement Act and subject

prosecution.

Hey, kid, I'm a process server. That's
my job.

Hey, Monica's dead.

Give me the cat.

shouldn't have wasted my time with you
goofballs. That's right, you heard me. I

said goofballs.

Hey, we got one, too. They served us at
school.

Yeah, I know. I sent him there.

What? Why would you do that?

Because it made me feel good. All right,
all right. Don't panic here. We're not

going to take this lying down.

I'm going to hire a lawyer.

Cheryl, that kid, Emily, wasn't her
father a lawyer?

Honey, I don't really think he's an
option. You flipped him off in the

lot.

Hey, what about me, huh?

I was going to buy a boat. I had a great
name picked out.

Boaty call. Oh, come on.

Come on. You guys don't even know what
you're mad about.

You tried something and it didn't work
out. I mean, it's not like I'm going to

say I told you so. No.

No, I did.

All you're out is the cost of the
prototype.

You know who shouldn't be crying are
your investors.

I'm standing here with the investors,
aren't I?

Well, you know, I invested some of our
money.

Got nothing to hide.

How much?

You know, I'm not good with numbers. How
much?

Two thousand bucks.

What? I put in three thousand.

I put in four.

There's a lot of hidden expenses, you
know, in business, like storage, office

space, courtside tickets for the Bulls.
What?

I mean, they wanted 70%. All I was doing
was eliminating the middleman. I mean,

think about it. If the Beatles had sold
their own albums, can you imagine how

rich they'd be?

Well, Jim, the Beatles... Okay, listen.

I just, I can't believe you would throw
our money away without telling me. I did

it for us.

I want a better life for our children. I
mean, look around.

Do you really want our kids to live like
this the rest of their lives?

You invested $2 ,000.

Dupe these saps for seven more.

Hey.

And you got nothing to show for it?

Well, I wouldn't say nothing.

All these boxes are full of gassy Gus
dolls?

Well, except for that one there. Those
are workout clothes for charity.

I mean, face it, that fitness craze is
over with.

You were just going to tell me it was a
stupid idea anyway. No, honey, we would

have talked about it. Yes, and then you
would have told me it was a stupid idea.

How do I know?

Ice cream.

Ice fishing.

Ice something.

What are you doing?

I am making the donuts of your dreams.

Donuts filled with liquor?

This one is whiskey with rainbow
sprinkles. I call this one gin -a -min.

Why are you doing this? Because it is a
brilliant idea.

And I support you. This time, I am first
in line.

Who are your ideas?

Thank you.

Poo -poo.

Because you, you are a great husband.

And I love you. And whether your ideas
are good or stupid, I want to be there

for you.

You really mean that? Yes. Or is that
the donut stock? No, no.

But it's actually like being the head of
a small company.

You have to manage a budget, organize
your resources,

vacuum, and

always have lots of freshly baked
chocolate chip cookies.

That is shameless.

Tell me about it.