All language subtitles for According to Jim s02e12 Moral Dilemma

And Little Red Riding Hood said,
Grandma, what big eyes you have.

And the wolf said, we're better to see
you.

Daddy, can you read it without the
voices?

Why? I thought you loved the voices.

We're big girls now.

Well, that's right. You're big girls
now. That's okay.

Well, you're big enough now to check
under your beds yourself for the

then, right?

Relax, revitalize, rejuvenate at the
Fairmark Hotel and Spa.

Did you look at those mineral baths?
Don't they look amazing?

That could be you, Cheryl.

Oh, man.

You know, without the good -looking guy.
Well,

I have just completed my best all -time
nap.

Better than college?

Yes.

Honey, Dana... Why are you showing me
this brochure for these incredible

romantic getaways?

Oh, honey, we don't have to get away to
be romantic. We've been romantic in the

bedroom. We've been romantic in the
kitchen. We've even had romance in that

chair. Oh, for God's sake.

Honey, come on. We never go away. It's
just you and me without the kids.

Please.

Milwaukee?

My father's funeral?

Yes.

I'm sorry, honey. I find that hard to
remember. I was crying the whole time.

Yeah, well.

We both got through it together.

You were doing cannonballs in the hotel
pool.

Everybody grieves in their own way,
Dana.

Mommy, the truck's here. Oh, my couch is
here. My couch is here. Okay, see

there? I just spent $800 on a couch. So
every time you sit down, it's like

taking a little mini vacation.

Ow.

Ow.

Okay, okay. I love it. I love it. I just
love it.

That's it right there.

Wow. Oh, that's even more beautiful than
I remember.

I know, but I'm going to miss this old
thing. We made Kyle on this couch. Oh!

I'm just going to sit on the stairs. Are
they safe?

Which one?

All right, new couch rule number one, no
liquids near the couch ever.

How about solids and gases?

Kids. What? The kids don't get that.

Did you get that?

It's a fart joke, right?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. We didn't order a second couch,

guys. No, no, no.

This is a mistake. No, no, no.

Oh, no. I ordered one couch. One, guys.
One. One.

Two.

One. Two. Two.

No, honey, I don't think they understand
English.

Here's the language everybody
understands.

Is that a one dollar bill, Jim?

Yes, Dana, in their country, this can
clothe and feed an entire village for a

year.

Okay.

Couch. Away.

Take second couch.

Away. Away.

Away. Away. Away.

Away.

Honey,

honey, they're leaving.

No, no, I gave them a whole dollar.

They're probably going out to get bread.
That's their way of saying thank you.

Yep, they're gone.

Well, they probably went to go clothe
and feed their village Man

this is a comfortable couch makes me
wish I had two

asses Don't give up on the dream

Bring this door closer to my chair.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Jim, what's going on?

I thought you called Couch Emporium and
told them to take back the second couch.

No, no, I did. I did. No, no, no. You
were supposed to take the second couch

away, not bring us another one. Nyet,
nyet, nyet, nyet. Da, da.

Nyet, nyet. Nyet, nyet. No, no, no.
Take, take. You.

We'll take it to the truck ourselves.

All right.

Andy, what are you doing? Come on. Last
time I lifted something heavy without

stretching, I threw up my back.

You feeling me?

That's it.

That's it. I'll show them.

We'll keep the couches.

Jim, you can't keep the couches. I'll
charge us for them.

No, they can't charge us. I didn't sign
anything.

No, no. That doesn't make it right, Jim.
They're still not ours.

Honey, we tried to give them back to
them. They don't want them. In my book,

that's a gift.

I can't believe you didn't suggest that.
Is that the example you want to set for

our kids? Darn right it is.

I want to show corporate America, don't
mess with Jim Q. Public.

Because if you do...

I'm going to keep your damn couches.

And just maybe, maybe one day our kids
will grow up in a country where this

nightmare will never happen again.

The nightmare of too many couches? From
sea to shining sea.

You know, I'm going to just call the
company. Fine. Fine. I thought we had

same vision of America. I guess I'm
wrong.

Please don't hang up.

Your call is important to us.

Remember, at Couch Emporium, you are our
most valued customer. Couch Emporium,

may I help you? Yes, hello, hello. I
have been on hold for 50 minutes. You

cannot do that to me because I'm a
celebrity.

Martin Sheen?

Listen, here's the thing.

You guys put on my credit card the one
couch I bought.

But you credited me with three couches.

Don't transfer me. I'm trying to give
you money back.

Hello? Hello?

Who would have thought buying a couch
would be so complicated?

It's a cautionary tale.

You know what?

I'm just going to keep the money. I'm
going to keep the money. Jim. Why not?

You know Sarah would never go along with
that.

You know what she'd go along with if I
took her on one of those romantic

getaways she's been yapping about?

Doubtful. No!

Hey, you know, when we were kids, we
collected money for UNICEF. She actually

called the UN to see if the money went
where it was supposed to go.

She's good to the bone, Jim. Yeah, yes,
she is.

I'm planning on getting into heaven with
Cheryl plus guest.

What are you doing? What are you doing?
Oh, my back still hurts. Can you walk

out of it for me?

Yeah. Hey, I know a way around the money
thing. No. Nah, it would require you

lying to Cheryl.

But just for fun, what might that lie
be?

Tell her you got it from the Johnson
remodel.

We didn't do a Johnson remodel.

Or did we?

I seem to recall a pretty hefty bonus
for finishing the job ahead of schedule.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right. That guy was so happy that
he offered to take us on his private

yacht around the world.

Yeah, let's keep it simple, Jim.

All right, you ready? Bring it. All
right, here we go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, okay, right there. That's the
spot.

Oh, right there.

Ooh.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, this is incredible.

This is great.

Honey, look at this view.

Honey, honey, look forward. Be careful.

Honey, honey, look at this, the remote.
It's not even bolted down.

fortune. Yes, yes, it did. But thank God
that bonus came in just in time, huh?

I still don't remember you doing a
Johnson remodel.

Yeah, right.

I'm lying, Gerald.

I woke up this morning. I said, you know
what? I'm going to lie to my wife

today. Make my life go easier.

Oh, honey.

Oh, you are the best. You're the
absolute best.

Okay, okay. Save it for the jacuzzi.

Damn, Cheryl, I'm feeling a little
guilty because I'm probably getting a

massage.

Jim, for the last time, I'm not trading.

Okay, we're done. Okay, over. Thank you.

You know what? You nice ladies, I'm
going to give you a $40 tip.

Well, I've never done that sober.

Thank you, Mr. Jim.

I bring you bread.

You just got massages?

Oh, honey, you know, I gotta tell you,
you're very sexy when you spend money.

Really? Yeah.

Tell me, are you as filthy as you are
filthy rich?

Well, that depends who's asking.

Well, who do you think is asking?

I think that... I'm asking.

I'm not sure where we're going with
this.

So, I'll be back in a minute, and why
don't you uncork the bubbly?

Maybe I will.

Depends who's asking.

All right, you know what? We're past
that. We'll just open the champagne.

Oh, I hope that's my pedicure.

Hello. Hello, sir. I'm Homelist. I'm the
general manager. Oh, hi, sir. Come on

in. I'm afraid there's a problem with
your credit card.

Oh. You see what happens is I carry it
in my back pocket, and it probably wore

off that magnetic strip.

You know, I mean, I sweat like a pig
back there.

Yes, the Sultan of Brunei said the same
thing.

I'm afraid you've reached your credit
limit.

That's impossible. I know I have a $2
,400 credit on my credit card.

Damn, the couch people.

It's the couch people.

They did it.

Are the couch people here now?

No, no, no. You see, they accidentally
gave me $2 ,400 of credit on my credit

card, and they must have found that
mistake and reversed it. That's what

happened. Yes, well, perhaps you'd like
to use another card.

Well, yeah, but you see, Tom, you
remember there was that coup in

And they closed my assets in the city of
Switzerland.

Obviously, you're very wealthy. Well,
yes, yes. But unless you can find

form of payment, please vacate the
suites by 6 o 'clock.

That would be 1 a .m. in Switzerland.

Oh, it's 20 minutes.

$10 for a bottle of water.

$18 for orange juice.

$135 for a facial. Man, why did I get
that facial?

Honey, honey, honey.

I told you how much I love this robe.

It is so yummy and plush. Hey, hey, I
want to be buried in it. Okay, okay.

Honey, you haven't opened the champagne.

Do we really need that? I mean, can't we
hang out for a couple hours without the

booze? Well, honey, okay, honey.

Sip champagne while we sit in the
jacuzzi. Well, you know what?

I don't know. This lifestyle here has
really corrupted you. Isn't it great?

Corrupt me more.

I can't do this. I'll just be thinking
of Olga the whole time. Let's go.

Come on, let's go.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. Everything's fine.

Well, honey, I just offered myself to
you, and you want to go home. Something

wrong. No, well, I'll be honest with
you, honey. I think I left the stove on.

I miss the kids.

Jim. You know I can't poop when I'm
away.

I got to go. I got to go back. I got to
go home. What did you do?

Okay, all right. This is not an
altogether funny story, okay?

But there are some funny parts. I really
encourage you to laugh at the funny

parts, okay?

You know, the money we spent on this
weekend, it didn't come from the Johnson

job.

What? Here's the funny part.

There wasn't a Johnson John.

Actually, the money came from the Couch
Emporium.

They charged us for one couch, but they
credited us for three of them. So I've

been spending that money instead. But
you know what happened? The Couch

found out the mistake and they took the
money back. And so now that's the funny

part.

So that's pretty funny.

So we've been paying for our weekend
with somebody else's money?

Yes, that's why it was light, sexy fun.

Now that it's on my dime.

We're going.

Actually, if we're not out of here in
ten minutes, they're going to charge us

for another night of this hotel.

I'm not paying that.

Oh!

What?

What?

Are you okay with this?

What do you want me to say?

What do you want me to say? That I'm
happy that you deceived me? That it's

to spend money that isn't ours?

Well, that would be cool.

Oh, come on, honey. You wanted to get
away? We got away for one night. So

Come on.

Mm,

$10.

Does that feel better? You can jump up
and down.

Nah, it's not doing anything.

There's no weight like gym weight.

Well, if you want gym weight, why don't
you just lie down in the driveway and I

can back my car over you?

Joe, how come you can't give me the
silent treatment when I'm watching

SportsCenter?

Hey, how are you? Hey, what are you guys
doing back?

Oh, well, we missed our children.

What'd you bring us? What'd you bring
us? Oh, I got you something.

For you, I have a shoehorn.

And the little one, aftershave.

needed a shoehorn and aftershave.

You're kind of quiet, Cheryl.

What's the matter? Jim too cheap to
finish the weekend?

Oh my gosh, it was just a joke.

All right, I get it.

You're mad.

I'm not mad, Jim. I'm frustrated.

I'm not frustrated. I can't do anything
with that.

Any chance that you're hungry, horny, or
sleepy?

Okay, now I'm mad.

Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

Cheryl, whatever happened to never going
to bed angry?

Yeah, let's put a pin in that tonight.

Okay, how about never going to bed
sarcastic?

Okay.

I know you worry about bills and college
tuition and our retirement. And, Jim, I

love you for that.

I don't know anybody who's a better
provider than you are.

Thank you.

But sometimes you've got to forget about
all that and just remember what's

really important.

Me?

No.

You? No, don't touch the wall!

I was almost there. I was this close to
us.

Jim.

I just don't understand why it was such
a big deal for us to go and have one

carefree weekend alone. It wasn't a big
deal, honey. That's why we went to the

Fairmark Hotel.

We got rubs. We got room service. We
went. Because you thought you were going

get away with spending dirty couch
money.

Yes. Duh. What's the matter with that?

Okay.

Do you remember a long, long time ago
before we had kids?

You were so thin.

And your hair wasn't.

That was a joke.

I know, honey. It was hilarious.

But it's not joke time.

The point is, we have so much
responsibility now and so much pressure.

right. Everything we do is for somebody
else. We've got the kids and the house

and your job.

You get it, that's right. Right,
exactly.

And that's just the way life is right
now, Cheryl, all right? I mean, it's the

circle of life. But didn't you learn
anything from the Lion King?

I did, and it's great, and it's right,
and it's exactly as it should be.

Okay, come here. I don't get it, then.
Honey, I know. Okay, honey, look.

I wouldn't trade my life, man, for
anything.

I wouldn't.

Honey, I don't want to wake up one day
and find out.

We've forgotten something in the mix.

Jim, I don't want to forget about us.

Look at me.

We are the glue that holds all of this
together.

I hate you when you make sense.

We ought to be used to it by now.

Hey, let's go back to the hotel.

What? Yeah, come on, let's go back.

No, no, no. Why not? We can go now,
right now.

No, I don't want you to do this for me.
No, no, no, it's not for you, honey. It

isn't. It really isn't.

It's for us.

Oh, my God.

You get it.

Freaky, huh?

Yeah. Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Are you sure?

I don't know.

Depends who's asking.

Well, that depends who's asking who's
asking.

Well, whoever it may be.

We're not very good at this one.

Honey, if it ever comes down to either
you or money, I'll always pick you.

Eventually.

I mean, it takes a little time to get
there, that's all.

I'm going to go tell him we're going
back. Okay.

Honey, I love you. Oh, honey.

I love you two. It's going to be fun.

Yeah, it is. I love spending money.

Ten dollars a bottle. What a racket.

Hello?

I come from Mother Russia to thank you
for giving us U .S. one dollar bill.

You've been in Klova village for an
entire year.

I bring bread.