All language subtitles for According to Jim s02e09 Thanksgiving Confidential

I can't feel my hands.

work gave me a free turkey.

You're welcome.

Okay,

you all set?

Yeah, you give Cheryl the flowers.
Right. And while she's crying tears of

grab the kids, take them out to dinner,
and you and the missus enjoy each

other's company.

What are you doing? She's your sister.

Yeah, um, oh.

Hit me.

Okay. Oh, Cheryl, you're the lover boy's
home.

Wow.

Cheryl, what's going on here?

It's a PTA meeting. It was going to be
at Julia's house, but she's really sick.

104 fever.

Oh.

I thought childbirth had toughened you
people up.

Well, okay, I'm home now, so you ladies
should go.

Oh, well, actually, we still have a lot
to cover.

We're planning the Thanksgiving play.

Oh.

Well, come on, Cheryl. We're going
upstairs. Try not to listen and lock up

you're done.

Honey. Honey.

This is Bobby Coker, president of the
PTA.

Hi, Jim. We met last year at the spring
fair.

I'm so sorry I had to kick you out of
the moon bound.

Well, you could have put up a sign that
said for kids only.

Actually, we thought that was implied by
the giant clown head on top.

Well, tomorrow night, 7 o 'clock, the
auditorium. And Jim, thanks so much for

volunteering to build the sets for us.
Who did what? Where? For who? What?

I mean, remember how we talked about it?
And I was like, oh, honey, it would be

so great for everybody. And you're like,
oh, honey, I'd love to. I've got my own

tools and everything. And I was like,
oh, honey, that's great. We'll be back

just a second.

How could you volunteer me to build sets
without even asking me? Jim, the

subject came up and everybody knows
you're in construction. What was I

to do? You can't volunteer someone
without asking them, okay?

Jim, you've got to do it. All the other
husbands are helping. I don't care what

they do, honey, really. I am an island.
I stand alone.

By the way, island, your fly's down.

You know what this is about.

You're obsessed with being liked. No, I
am not. Yes, you are. You stop at stop

signs. You pull over for ambulances.

Come on.

That's ridiculous.

This is all about you getting in good
with Bobby Coker and that PTA posse. Oh,

well, fine. I want to be liked. I'm
insane. Lock me up.

Jim, put the colander in the sink.

Cheryl.

Cheryl, come on. I haven't seen you for
two weeks. You've been busy every night.

When is this Thanksgiving thing going to
be over?

Traditionally, after Thanksgiving.

I just want to be alone with you, you
know?

Just want to reconnect.

Oh, honey.

Me too. You know, I actually really miss
you. You know what?

I miss you too.

See, you got your flowers. What do you
think that says?

Oh, you stopped by the cemetery on your
way home?

We're never alone in this house. We're
never alone. We're never alone. We can't

connect when we're not alone.

I promise you. Honey, would you please
help me with the sets?

Please?

All right.

Okay. But I want a plaque put up
somewhere that I did this. Okay. And I

to say, James.

Cheryl, we're on refreshments. Oh,
that's my thing.

Okay, so dinner's ready. I folded the
laundry, gave the kids a bath, and now I

have a date.

Oh, my God, I'm turning into Alice from
the Brady Bunch.

Well, son, it looks like it's just you
and me, huh?

that face that's i got a poop face isn't
it can you eat with

that in your pants you

know guys i'm looking over this

thanksgiving play and it's it's loaded
with inaccuracies i'm seeing happy

pilgrims and singing indians you know
what i'm not seeing the truth

Where's the betrayal of the native
peoples and the raping of their land?

We're not doing that.

Oh, right.

Let's perpetuate the white man's lie.

Well, well, well, I've found myself a
couple of little worker bees here,

I? Buzz, buzz, buzz, right, Jim?

I'm not going to buzz, Cheryl.

Cheryl, I was talking with Nancy Dibbs
yesterday. You know, she can be quite a

chatterbox when she's sober.

We were thinking that next year you
should run for treasurer.

Me? I don't have any experience.

Well, you don't really need any. You
just come to the meetings, tell us how

we've raised, and then we all go to the
mall.

I can do that.

Okay, everybody, quitting time.

Let's have drinks at PJ O'Tonnell Pools.
You coming?

Oh, you know what? I think I'm going to
finish up these trees here. We're going

to stick around. We're kind of in a
groove, you know? We are?

Yeah, yeah. I want the plaque, baby.

Oh, I guess.

We're staying. Okay, well, walk up.

Nancy, why don't you ride with me?

Okay, I'm out of here. I'm going to
throw back some fuzzy navels with the

at O -Tut.

Uh, yeah, Bobby.

Look, I'm not happy with the direction
of this script. I'm going to have to

insist you take my name off the program.

Well, your name isn't in the program.

I see. This is all one big joke on Andy.

Who's Andy?

This is nice.

Yeah. Finally being alone, huh?

Yeah, it is.

Hi, I'm Jim.

Cheryl, it's good to meet you. Nice to
meet you. Yeah, you're looking good.

Well, thank you.

You know what this reminds me of? What?
Remember that apartment you had on

Sheridan? And we painted it in one day?

Yeah. Oh, and then we ordered takeout
and ate it by candlelight.

Yeah. Oh.

I still think you could have whipped
something up. Oh, God.

But it was great.

It was great.

Yeah, this is nice, huh?

Yeah, it is.

It's alone, together.

Yeah. And you with those convenient
loops on your pants.

Oh, baby, I love being with you. Oh, you
too.

Oh, honey!

What?

This is a school auditorium.

This is where Ruby got her Citizen of
the Month ribbon.

Oh, that's so sweet. Now let's lose the
pants.

Jim! What?

Come on, just be spontaneous here.

When's the last time we were
spontaneous?

Oh, excuse me.

Who ordered Gosford Park on paper?
You're at the drop of a hat.

No, that's right. That was you. Yes. And
now the strong, young cable man is at

the door demanding payment.

And me without my checkbook.

How will I ever settle up?

I don't know, Jim.

Shh!

Call me Brock.

didn't fool around.

Where do you think all these Americans
came from?

Okay, okay, okay. You know what? You
know what? We'll move to a new town and

start over. People do that.

We're not moving. Maybe you haven't
noticed, but I don't make friends

Come on, she saw us.

It's going to be all over town. Do you
know what people are going to say?

Same thing they always say. What's she
doing with him?

Oh, oh, oh, I see, I see. Is it joke
time? Are we joking now?

I don't care what Bobby Coker thinks or
anybody else.

I do. I just, I can't believe you don't.
I don't. I don't need to impress

anybody. It just kind of happens.

You know, this is all your fault with
your fancy tool belt and your saucy role

playing.

If you had brought your checkbook, this
never would have happened.

Why don't we go call Bobby again?

Fine. Give her my best.

Actually, she's already seen my best.

Hi.

Dina, are you wearing Cheryl's wedding
dress?

Mm -hmm.

So, this is officially a new low for
you, huh?

Mm -hmm.

Okay.

Well, I finally got a hold of Bobby. She
was really cool about it. I told you it

wasn't a big deal.

She promised she wouldn't tell anybody.

Good. Yeah.

Dana. What?

A beat off the couch.

Wait, tell anybody what?

Bobby Coker and Andy walked in on us
being together maritally.

At school?

Yeah.

Man, you guys are a couple of freaks.

Yeah, we're the freaks.

weren't you at work today?

Because I saw you naked last night with
my sister.

Andy, we're married.

We have three kids.

And here's some news for you. None of
them came from the first try.

Great. Super.

I'm gonna go fire a nail gun into my
forehead.

Hey, Greg, how you doing?

Oh, hey, Jim.

I've seen you since the girls' soccer
match. Oh.

like that, but somebody had to score a
goal.

So how you doing?

Since the, you know, divorce, you all
right?

It was bad for a while, but let me tell
you, I love being single again. It's

unbelievable.

Really? Oh, yeah.

I'm getting more action than a broken
slot machine.

That's great.

Great. I don't mean to rub it in. I know
what it's like for you members of the

same old, same old club.

Hey, Greg, you got it all wrong. I mean,
my marriage is totally hot.

My wife and I are crazy for each other.

Please, you don't have to put on the
married people or wild show because I

front row feed for the last seven years
and I fell asleep.

Well, let me tell you something. If you
were here last night sitting in that

front row, you would have been wide
awake and cheering. What are you talking

about? I'm talking about last night.

Me and the missus.

Right here.

Making Plymouth Rock.

Get out of here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was married.

It was wild.

Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.

Lovely place. That's pretty gutsy. Oh,
we do it all over the place. You know,

restaurants, airports, the zoo.

Nice.

Where's the zoo?

Well, you know, a gentleman never tells.

But I'll tell you one thing.

If those pandas don't breed this year,
it's not from not knowing how.

thanksgiving and you turn to the
pilgrims and you sing

change for dinner.

Okay.

Bobby, hi. What a pleasant surprise.
Come on in.

Yeah, I just came by to let you know
we're letting you and Jim go.

What?

Well, I would have called, but this is
much more personal, isn't it?

How can you let us go? The sets aren't
done.

Well, the committee isn't so concerned
about the sets getting done as they are

about what's getting done on the sets.

You promised you wouldn't tell anybody.

I didn't. I swear, but it's all over the
school. Someone did.

Oh, this is not happening.

Listen, Cheryl, we've all been guilty of
severe lapses in judgment.

Yours is so much worse because it
happened in such a wholesome, innocent

You've got to understand, Jim, we're not
wild like that. It was just like a one

-time thing.

Oh, come on, Cheryl. We all know about
the zoo.

The zoo?

I'm sorry, but this administration
cannot afford a scandal.

I will not go back to baking cookies and
serving punch.

I've come too far.

Wow, Cheryl, you and Jim went to the zoo
and they let him out?

Jim and I didn't do anything at the zoo.

I just can't figure out where they get
that idea.

Hey, baby, what's up?

Anything to anybody at school that might
give them the idea that we were more

than just casual visitors at the zoo?

Cheryl, I'd like to renew our wedding
vows.

You know, we'll invite some friends,
we'll register for gifts, it'll be

beautiful. Why the hell would you tell
people we did all that stuff? Ah, was

that Greg, that loud mouth. He was
mouthing off about how we were boring

people. That was just offending us and
the institution of marriage.

By telling them we did it behind
Plymouth Rock?

Can you think of a better example?

Clearly you did.

The zoo.

Well, that was kind of a stretch.

I was thinking about the time, you know,
the dog was under the bed. Ow!

Well, a house is like a zoo. I mean,
there's people running around all the

and never alone.

So basically...

Yes. You started bragging because you
didn't like the way Greg saw you. Of

course. I see. So you were just worried
about what he thought of you. Yes. Uh

-huh. Oh, crap.

Danny, whatever happened to, I am an
island, I stand alone?

I don't talk like that. Oh, yes, you do.

That's not even the point.

The point is I would never sell out your
reputation to beef up my own.

Cheryl, I wasn't trying to hurt you.

It was just a guy thing. Come on. Well,
Jim, thanks to your guy thing, I can't

show my face at my own kid's school.

You know, Jim, I really enjoyed working
on that Thanksgiving play. Well, so did

I. Well, now the audience is going to
look up those crappy unfinished sets,

they're going to open their programs,
and they're going to see my name.

Cheryl?

What?

If anybody asks, we had a quickie in a
hot air balloon last week.

I am very miffed at you. Bobby, don't
worry. I'm just picking up my

paintbrushes. I'm not going to sleep
with anybody.

No, I'm miffed at you because you didn't
tell me how spectacular you are.

You

must

have stayed up all night. night to get
this done oh well i'm so sorry i let you

go would you consider being in charge of
our christmas pageant this year the

christmas pageant why i thought that was
only for the fifth grade moms our first

meeting is backstage right after this
turkey is over pun intended you

know actually um i really don't i don't
want to take on another big job right

away you know the truth is i i miss my
family

Oh, well, then I guess you don't want to
be treasurer that badly.

I guess not.

Well, if at any point you decide to
change your mind, it's too late.

Okay, everybody, let's take ten.

Fifteen for board members.

Hey. Wake up.

Hey.

Hey. Oh, honey.

I thought you just got up early to go to
work. I can't believe you're here all

night doing this. Oh, well.

You know, Andy did help.

Yeah. And when he snuck into the
principal's office and said naughty

the piano.

Oh, honey.

You did an amazing job on the set.

Well, thank you.

Oh, amazing.

You know, when people open the program
tonight and see your name.

I want him to say nice things about you.
Oh, thank you.

Honey, would you do me a favor and not
tell people what we do in the privacy of

our own public school?

Okay.

From now on, I'll just brag about how I
have you as a wife. Okay.

Not how I had you as a wife.

Thank you, honey.

Hey, did I leave my hammer in? Oh, for
Pete's sake.

outside the teepee so people know you're
in here. Get out!

And Samuset told the pogroms he would
help them hunt and fish and survive in

new world.

If only he knew he had just signed his
death warrant.

It's a gutsy script, Anthony.

Oh, thank you.

Wait till they see my black Jesus at
Christmas.