All language subtitles for According to Jim s02e01 The Importance of Being Jim

you got here. I thought you forgot.

No way.

Oh, good. Well, um, I made dinner, and
we'll be back about nine. Oh, okay.

Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey. All
right, have a great time. All right,

thanks. Say hi to everybody.

Where's Mommy going?

Okay, so, how was your day?

I know what Georgia, my son, likes to
eat.

Tuna.

George has a small mouth.

Do you like raisins? I don't like
raisins.

George's head is small.

You have a big head, Daddy.

George taught me a song.

Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
Bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Bad boys,

bad boys, bad boys, bad boys, bad boys,
bad boys, bad boys, bad boys, bad boys,

bad boys, bad boys. I know someone found
a bug in their pudding.

They almost ate it.

But they didn't.

How much does it cost to be Batman?

Hey.

How'd it go with Ruby?

Ruby. Oh, good.

I have so much to tell you. You know who
was there?

Doreen Feldman. Oh, you know, the Braves
are making that squeaky sound again, so

you really have to go get that checked.
So anyway, Doreen's brother -in -law is

in town, and you know her husband
Richard just needs to... Oh, honey.

They had the best cream cheese cookies.

Do you like those?

Oh, baby.

Can we go to Tufferville?

Not now. It'll spoil your dinner.

No fair.

Mommy, what's over here?

All right, just drink it in your room.

Yay!

But don't make a mess.

I just cleaned the carpet.

I just parked the truck.

Hey, honey, guess what? No, no, honey,
please. I am going crazy here. I'm

to choose fabric for the new curtains in
the bedroom, and we really need to pick

the right one because we're going to be
looking at it for a long time.

We got curtains in the bedroom?

Yes, honey, would you please help? Why
do we need curtains? I don't have

anything to hide.

Yeah, about that. The neighbors called
about the dancing again.

Well, for every one complaint, there's
two people watching who love it.

Okay. Now, how much would you expect to
pay for a digital camera that takes

still pictures and video?

300? 400?

500, you say? Jim, Jim, we just went
through this last week with a bag of

Doritos. Right.

What did you do?

I... Got this little sweetheart here for
150 bucks.

Wow. Does this one have insides? Yes.

Dave Walker, I bought it from him. He
got a new one for a wedding present.

Where's my chocolate milk?

Dave Walker?

I'm serious. I had two boxes in here.

The same Dave Walker who dumped Dana?

Yeah, I guess he's unloading all his old
crap.

Well, we do need a new camera. Do you
know how to work this?

Oh, yeah.

I read the manual while I was driving
home.

Honey. Well, I had a seatbelt on. Hey,

check this out. There's still some
pictures stored in it.

Who's that?

That's Dave's new wife. He dumped Dana
to marry that?

Where's her neck?

Would you look at those ankles?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. How about
this thing, though, huh?

No film, no tape, no nothing. Just this
little magic brain.

I think this camera is the greatest
thing that's ever happened to me.

Well, come on, Amy.

Come on, what about, you know, meeting
me, getting married, having our kids?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all
rich tapestry.

Okay, come on, come on, come on, come
on.

All right, you just won the lottery.

Now you just realize... Oh, my God, I
lost my ticket.

Hot babe, 10 o 'clock.

So, you swear to God I'm cuter than her?
Oh, yes.

But is she sunny? Because Dave said I
wasn't sunny enough. Well, Dave is

You are the sunniest person I know. And
I met Goldie Hawn once.

Oh, where'd you meet her?

I don't remember, somewhere.

No, no, no, how could you forget that?

Oh, right, I made it up.

Jim, show Dana the picture. Oh, yeah,
sure.

Here's one of Andy wearing the kid's
pool on his head like a sombrero. Oh, I

need a picture of Dave Walker's wife.

Oh, I deleted those.

What? Yeah, no, no, they're long gone,
honey.

Didn't you hear me ask you to save
those? Yeah, yeah, but there wasn't

space in the memory, so I had to let
them go.

I specifically asked you to save those.
What is the matter with you? What are

you getting all bent out of shape for?
You totally blew me off.

Honey, there were just a bunch of
pictures of a woman you didn't even

Dana wanted to see those, and now she
can't.

Well, not really. It was just one good
crying out.

He dumped you and you're devastated. Now
zip it.

The point is, you didn't give a damn
about what was important to me.

Well, I would have, honey, but it was
actually important.

Who are you to decide what's important?

Okay, you know, there's a one to ten
scale on what's important, okay?

One being the lowest, ten being the
highest.

And everything to you is a nine.

The kid's shoes, a nine.

Spatulas, a nine.

Bedroom curtains, a nine.

I'm here to tell you that matching throw
pillows, a two.

You've got to know where to put things.

I know where I'd like to put one thing.

That'd be a ten on my scale.

Jim, look at me.

When something is important to me, you
need to respect that. I know, but

sometimes the things that are important
to you are just stupid.

I am so glad I'm not you.

And not just now, I mean always.

Okay, give me the look that says, I just
pissed off my wife.

If you don't stop fighting, the police
are going to come and take you to jail.

Do you want to go to jail?

Yeah.

How about the dentist? Do you want to go
to the dentist?

No!

Cheryl, Cheryl, where's my camera? Why
don't you look in the last three places

you were? The fridge, the bathroom, and
the fridge.

Actually, I find Jim's consistency
rather comforting.

I got your back.

Oh, you know, honey, I have seen your
camera.

Where?

Where was it? Oh, I know. In the trash.
I threw it out.

That is so good, isn't it?

All right, very funny. Come on, really,
where is it? I told you, it's in the

trash.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. Is that important
to you?

You know, because it just wasn't
important to me.

Well, I wouldn't say it wasn't
important. It was like a two.

Cheryl, I know.

You wouldn't throw that camera in the
trash.

Why don't you ask Andy what happened to
Bobo? Oh, you want to talk Bobo?

Oh, yeah.

Let's talk Bobo. Who's Bobo?

When I was a kid, I had a wind -up
monkey that would bang its cymbals

Cheryl hated that sound.

Or maybe she hated the joy that it
brought me.

Either way, one morning I woke up, Bobo
was gone. She said she threw it out.

That's what I do.

All right, I see what you're doing here.

You want me to crawl around in the
trash, get all stinky and dirty, make a

of myself to teach me a lesson.

Oh, Cheryl, I'm not going to play that
game.

That's a game that I don't play.

All right, Jim, that's fine. Do it
yourself.

But, you know, if the trash guys are on
time, and, you know, they usually are,

they're going to be here very soon.

Cheryl, your little plan is going to
backfire.

Because you're trying to cram a lesson
down my throat and that never works.

ask my fourth grade history teacher.

She was in a nut house by Thanksgiving.

Sit down, my good friend, Andy. I don't
mind if I do, Jim.

Yes, Andy and I are going to sit here
and not learn a damn thing.

We may even forget stuff we already
know.

All right, Jim, that's fine.

Nice try.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Now.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is it break time?

I didn't hear the whistle.

camera, Daddy.

Oh, that's a great attitude, Gracie.

How would you like it if Christopher
Columbus had that attitude, huh?

We wouldn't be here right now with the
privilege of going through this garbage.

We hate this.

Come here, Rita.

I'll tell you what.

If you find the camera, I'll make a
bracelet out of those loose chicken

for you.

My girl.

I don't believe you.

All right, that's it. We're taking a
bath.

All right.

I'll take a bath with you, but I'm still
mad about the camera.

I was talking about the girls, Kath.

All right, Ruby, Gracie, upstairs.

Come on.

You cannot make the kids do your dirty
work.

Well, then where do we have them?

So that I have someone on my side when
it's time to put you in a home.

Well, that's that. That's all the bins.
There is no camera. No, you've got to

keep looking.

Good luck.

Oh, by the way.

Watching you go crazy over this camera,
that's a ten.

She's really messing with me now.

I know she couldn't throw away a $400
camera.

It's got to be hidden in here somewhere.

Oh, no, Jim, give it up. She's too good.

You're never going to find it.

Why don't you just tell her you screwed
up and she'll give you the camera back?

No, no, no. That's exactly what she
wants me to do.

No, she's really pushing this thing.

You know what that tells me?

That she's got a really good point?

No.

That she's a worthy adversary.

I just have to take the offensive,
that's all.

Trust me.

I'm going to find that camera, Annie.

Right. Cool.

Say, so how are you going to do it?

I'm going to do some serious thinking.

I may even take a piece of paper and a
pencil and a john with me.

Nothing, Jim.

This is my nothing time.

I have five more minutes of nothing
before I need to start dinner.

Okay.

What do you want?

I just noticed that your car was dirty.

And I thought I'd take it for a wash.

Honey, thank you.

Keep it in my purse.

Where's your purse? Where it always is,
by the... It was just there.

What a work it be.

What a conundrum.

You heard what I said.

What did you do with my purse?

Maybe... Maybe I threw it out.

Well, then, you threw out your wallet,
because you asked me to hold it for you

last night.

I took the wallet out of the purse
before I threw it away.

Show me your wallet.

I don't have to show you my wallet.

I'm the one holding the cards here,
baby.

And how does that feel?

Does it burn?

Of course it does.

That's why I'm willing to make you a
deal.

Your purse for my camera.

Damn it, Jim.

You bested me.

Have I?

Wow. Do you mind if I make a quick phone
call? Sure, sure, sure.

Run it by your people.

Get a second opinion.

Even a murderer gets one call.

Feel, Jim.

Does it burn?

Oh, and sweetie, would you make sure
they do that shiny thing to the tires? I

like that.

Fine. I just hope I don't lose the keys
on the way.

on just like that.

Dana.

Dana, come on. I know you know where
that camera is.

What's it going to take for you to spill
the beans?

Jim, if you want to end this, why don't
you just pay attention to what's

important to your wife?

Ten bucks.

Twenty.

Fifteen. That's as high as I'm
authorized to go.

Twenty. All right, fine.

Twenty.

Pushy. She's just killing me.

and I got an emergency stash right here.

Oh, God.

Here. All right, just drop it in. And
don't let it touch the sides.

Okay, okay, where is it?

Go to where she keeps the detergent.

Over there?

All right, turn around.

And go like this.

I cannot look at another fabric.

Why don't you just close your eyes and
pick one like you did with your husband?

Cheryl, you have to come in the living
room and see this. It is so cute.

Oh.

Cheryl,

isn't this the most adorable thing
you've ever seen in your life? Dana,

Oh, my God.

Go ahead, girls. Go ahead.

Come on, Jim.

They were just so cute, I could just eat
you up.

If only there was some way we could
digitally preserve this moment in time.

All right, Jim.

I know what you're doing.

I'm not doing anything, Cheryl.

No, these things happen just by chance.

Hey, girls.

You want a box of kittens?

Don't get too attached. I'll go back to
the store in an hour.

Would you stop trying to get your
camera? I don't have it.

But Cheryl, kitties.

What is wrong with you? What? Nothing.
Driving my sister, hiding my purse,

renting a box of cabs? You know, if you
spent half the amount of time trying to

figure out what's going on with me, if
you did planning all this, you would

had your camera days ago. Oh, so you did
hide the camera. You didn't throw it in

the trash. Well, at least we're making
some progress here. Are you happy? Guys.

on. I'm not going to fall for that. I'm
going to find it. Kyle really is

walking. Oh, get the camera. Get the
camera.

I don't know where it is. Oh, I'll get
it. Keep it walking.

Okay. Okay. Come on, Kyle.

No, no, no. You're losing him. You're
losing him. Come to your daddy. Come on.

Kyle,

like this, like this, Kyle. No, no, no,
no. Kyle, don't walk like that. Walk

like a boy.

We're losing him. We're losing him. Oh,
come on. Come on, Kyle. Get up. Get up.

Come on. Walk to mommy.

Walk to mom.

Forget it, Jim. It's too late. Come on,
you can do it, Kyle.

It's your camera.

You win.

Yeah.

Man, this hurts.

No,

the cat. Get it off me.

picture of him was pretty cute. Oh,
really? Can I see him?

I deleted them.

Just kidding.

Hey, do you think Kyle will ever walk
again?

Oh, honey, don't worry.

You know, every kid is different.

Like, I didn't start walking until I was
two, but I started shaving when I was

11.

Hey, you know what I've been thinking
about?

Make up sex?

The NFL draft.

How would you feel if I started
vacuuming while you were trying to watch

Cheryl, you would never do that.

No, I wouldn't. And you know why?

Because it's important to you.

The NFL is important to everybody,
Cheryl.

Jim, believe it or not, there are some
people who couldn't care less about the

NFL draft.

Oh, yeah. I'm one of them.

I think it's stupid.

Our whole marriage is based in a lie.

But you see, honey, I pretend to care
about it. Because on a scale of one to

ten, you are a nine.

Only a nine?

Well, you're a ten when you unload the
dishwasher.

How about when I do my Chippendales
dance?

That is off the scale.

It's also why we need new curtains.

Oh, this is a nice fabric right here.

Yeah, isn't it? I thought that would
pick up the colors on the rug.

You know, that's exactly what I was
thinking.

Well, I could, this one here, I could
live with this one.

Be nice with the duvet.

Nice. Try great.

You're hating this, aren't you?

Yes, but I think I'm pretending pretty
well.

That's all I ever wanted.

All right, but tomorrow night, can we
look through my lingerie catalog?

Jim, Jug's magazine is not a lingerie
catalog.

Hey, Jim.

Jim, check it out. I got you missing
Bobo, so I went out and bought myself

another one.

Isn't that great?