All language subtitles for According to Jim s01e20 Old Friends

Hello. Good afternoon, officer.

That is a fine bike you got there,
Indian.

Full dress, V -twin, five -speed police
pursuit model, otherwise known as my

office. You know you rolled through that
stop sign back there?

Okay, well, I'll stop twice for the next
one.

Is that humor, sir?

Are you a funny boy?

No.

No, not at all, sir. License and
registration, please.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Hey, you know what?

I just got this meatball hoagie, and
there's no way that I'm going to finish

this whole thing.

I find that hard to believe.

Tell you what.

I'm just going to set it right here on
the dashboard.

I'm going to look the other way.

Hmm.

I smell a bribe.

Out of the vehicle, sir. What? Hands up.
Out.

Out of the vehicle right now. It was
just a sandwich.

What are you going to do?

The human body has exactly seven
cavities. I am trained to search every

shut up! You're tickling me! You're
tickling me!

Turn around.

So,

we're cool?

Danny?

Danny Machowski?

Did the Aztecs build runways for the
gods in the past?

He's just scared the hell out of me. I
thought you were that guy from the

Village People.

Oh, you wish. Oh, I do not.

I'm doing good.

I'm doing great. Look at you, a cop.

I mean, last I heard, you were emceeing
at some strip club down in New Orleans.

Yeah.

Bad scene.

I mean, you totally turned around.

You know the beauty part?

I did it without Jesus.

Great to see you, man. You too, man. You
know what? We should get together.

Yeah, why don't you come over to my
house for Sunday night dinner, all

mean, Cheryl would love to see you, and
I want you to meet my family. I would

really like that. Really? Yes, sir.
That's great, man. Let me give you an

address. Well, I've got your address.
You do, don't you?

Danny, you're not going to...

No, not this time. But I am going to
give you my standard warning.

Go, go ahead, shoot, I'm ready.

Give it to me.

Sir, when you run a stop sign, you
immediately become two tons of rolling

You think, oh, I don't have to stop. I'm
a big man.

I can fool Johnny Law. I'm cool.

Well, next time you're washing your car,
ask yourself this.

Would you rather be hosing off dirt or
little pieces of brain and skull?

See you Sunday.

go on a diet?

Danny and I printed these up in 75 when
we sold them out of the back of his van,

also known as the Good Times Machine.

I thought that's what you called the
refrigerator.

No, that's what I call my... Jim?

Look at that, huh?

Danny is going to go crazy when he sees
this. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm

worried about.

Oh, come on, Cheryl.

Dean is a good guy. Give him a break.
Have you forgotten that at our wedding

got drunk and made that horrible toast
about how you should have married your

-girlfriend Misty because of her monster
jugs?

Monsters?

Yes, honey. They were monsters.

Nice monsters.

They weren't real, you know.

They were like pretend monsters.

Oh, that's him. That's him. That's him.

Here we go.

You know, at the wedding, he tried to
kiss me. You too?

Hi, I'm Danny. You must be Ruby and
Gracie.

Yeah. I think I've got a present for
each of you.

Yay!

Uh,

Danny, you've got to get in the door
before you give those girls presents.

You remember my beautiful wife, Cheryl?
Oh, Danny.

I'm a handsome man. Why hide it?

You really didn't have to get gifts for
the girl.

Ah, just stuff I found lying around the
evidence room.

Hi,

I'm Dana. We met at the wedding. You
tried to kiss me. Oh, that was you.

I'm so sorry.

I was different back then.

Now, wasn't there a chubby blonde girl
with you? I owe her an apology, too.

Dana's male brother.

Hey, what do you say we get something to
eat and crack open his bottle of wine?

Well, it's homemade. You might want to
wait ten years before you drink it.

We'll put it in the wine cellar right
next to Jim's abdominizer.

Who needs it? I got one of those
electric belts that shock you in the

The guy pulled a nine millimeter Glock
on me. I look him straight in the eye. I

see, amigo, you got one shot.

And if I don't drop like something heavy
off something high, it's party time.

He blinks. I spin him around, grab his
piece, and plant my floor shine firmly

his huevos.

I was messing with you. I'm a traffic
cop.

You know,

speaking of cops, I once sat next to
Dennis Franz on a flight to Detroit.

When he fell asleep, I grabbed his nuts.

Peanuts. Peanuts.

We should be going. Come on, Andy.

Thanks for dinner.

So nice to see you both again. Good
night.

Oh, no, no, no. Jamie, Jamie, what are
you doing?

The least I can do after such a
wonderful evening. No, no, no. Please.

I got a couple cigars. Let's go out on
the porch and smoke them like the old

days. No, I don't smoke those anymore.

Body's a temple.

It's a joke. Look at me.

That is so funny.

Jim, I gotta say, he has really changed.

What do you mean?

I mean, he's toned down like you.

He's lost that wild streak.

Oh, honey, we may be tame on the
surface, but we still got our wild

What, you don't think so?

Come on, there is a fire in this belly.
Yeah, good luck putting that out.

Are you saying, are you saying that I...
Am I crazy anymore? Are they streaking

me? Is that what you're saying? Because
you are totally wrong.

Baby, I am a party machine.

Really? Yes.

And if I want to go out drinking all
night, that's what I'm going to do. No,

can't. Oh, now you're telling me what I
can and can't do? No, honey, I mean you

can't. You're not physically able.

Your body won't let you.

Cheryl, you don't even know me anymore.

I think we need to have more sex.

Why not?

You know, I need you to take care of
yourself.

Because we can't get parts anymore for
this party machine.

Oh, sweetie. You are a hard -working
father of three who goes to bed every

at 10 .30, and I love that.

You're my wild man, okay?

Here.

Napkins? Yes. I'm going to go check on
the girls.

You want me to put the napkins in the
laundry?

Danny?

Oh, good.

I'll rinse him. You put him in the
dishwasher.

Danny, what has happened to you?

What are you talking about?

Well, you used to be the guy, you know,
partying, playing your Monica Reason

hell, not doing dishes.

I'm still the same guy. I'm just
different. You are, too. Why does

saying that? I am not different. All
right, all right, all right. I mean, I

might look, you know, family and
everything, but I am a crazy guy.

You know what? Don't you still want a
tough little scratch?

Well, actually, it's Silverstone that
can handle the abrasives. I have an

pan. Okay, that's it, that's it.

You and I, we're going to Harlow's
tonight. Come on, let's go have some

It's kind of late.

Well, so what? Come on, we haven't seen
each other for ten years, man. Is it

going to kill you to go out with your
buddy a little bit?

I've got to work tomorrow. So do I.
We'll get home early. Honestly, I won't

out too late.

I suppose these should soak overnight.

Yeah.

You still have the good times machine?

Um, no. I've got a Saturn.

It's like being part of a club.

Got it!

You are in construction!

Yes, I am!

Officer,

I think there's someone here breaking
the law. Write her a ticket.

Pull over there, ma 'am. I'm going to
have to cite you for excess cleavage!

You know what? Officer, you want to
inspect her truck, don't you?

Hugh, it's four in the morning. I was
worried sick.

What the hell are you doing?

You know, honey, I'm thinking of writing
a refrigerator to people.

They definitely got to put a dimmer on
this light.

calling you since two in the morning? I
mean, what if there was an emergency?

Where's your cell phone?

You know, I thought I heard a ring.

And I dropped it in the urinal.

And I wound up answering that little
cake.

Oh,

look

at you. You're like an irresponsible
teenager.

Cheryl.

Your generation doesn't get me.

I want that.

Oh, no, no.

Jim.

Jim.

You think you're so cool, don't you?

Mr. Big Shot, huh? With the family. Oh,
yeah, I really get it on. Cheryl and I,

all the time, making love.

I'm the boss of this company. Andy, get
to work. Yeah, you're nothing, buddy.

Andy, I can hear you.

What do you think you're doing?

Stapling. I'm an architect, you know.
I'm at work. Not hung over a raking of

John Barley corn.

Had a little too much fun last night, m
'lady?

No, I'm fine.

I still got it.

I'm like a teenager.

Woo!

Oh.

Oh.

Danny.

What are you doing here?

Jim. Andy.

I just thought you might like your cell
phone back.

Oh. How did you... I don't want to talk
about it.

Hey, Randy, here's that company phone I
promised you.

All right, moving on up.

So, when do you say we go to Harlow's
again tonight, huh? You two, you really

know how to live it up.

Hey, maybe when you go out tonight, I
could tag along.

Are you ready to lose your soul in a
night of unbridled pagan debauchery?

Actually, it's a common misconception
that ancient pagan society... You're

Danny, what time do you want to hook up?
Doesn't matter to me, since I've got

nowhere to be tomorrow.

What do you mean?

Remember that redhead I cited for
unlawful use of spandex?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was cute.

She filed a complaint.

I've been suspended.

Oh, Danny, I'm sure. That's tough.

I knew I should never have used my real
tickets.

What are you going to do, man?

What any self -respecting, temporarily
unemployed law enforcement officer would

do.

Return to the scene of the crime!

You mean you want to go back out
tonight?

Is JFK still alive and running the
country from the...

Nicole, he's like some kind of circus
freak. All right,

girls, you know what? That's enough. Go
up and wash that cheese stuff off your

fingers.

Thank you.

He's been out with Danny four nights in
a row. I find him sleeping all over the

house. It's like living with a really
big cat.

How long are you going to let him go on
like this? Hey, if he wants to prove

something to himself, I'm not going to
stop him.

I think he's about to hit his wall.

Oh, nothing but that.

Oh, what's it, Tremie? Another raining
cheese balls.

Hey, ladies.

Ready to roll, buddy? What time is it? 6
.30.

Oh, my God, I slept right through my
nap.

So, where are we going to go? To
Harlow's again tonight?

Five nights in a row?

No. How about something new?

They got this new go -kart place.

With a drive -thru beer window.

Try that. Well, uh, that sounds great,
but, uh, you know, I just...

You know, I gotta do some stuff around
the house.

What stuff, Jim?

You know, you might have forgotten about
this, but it's my turn to give the kids

a bath.

Oh, don't worry about it, sweetie. I'll
take care of that.

Yeah, I'll help her.

You have a good time. Oh, no, no,
Cheryl. You did it last night, remember?

Yeah, like I have every night since the
day they were born.

I'm getting a distinct impression here
that maybe you don't want to go out.

Well... All right, Danny, look.

I just don't think I can go out tonight.

I mean, I got up this morning and looked
in my eyes and I couldn't find the

white parts.

But I thought you were having fun. No, I
did. I had a blast.

But I just think I was trying to be the
guy I was when we were kids.

And I thought I was, but I'm just not.

Okay, fine, sure. Hey, listen, I
understand.

You do? You drag me out for a big taste
of the high life. I get suspended. I got

all kinds of time in my hand. And you
drop me like a plague rat at a pet show.

I wouldn't put it that way, Danny. No,
that's no problem. Hey, that's okay,

Matt. That's fine. Listen, hey, I
understand. I'm cool. No sweat.

That's okay. See you around, Slim.

What?

He calls you Slim.

Hey,

guys. Hey, Tony.

How you doing, Jim? Good, man, good.
Nice to see you there.

Hey, how about those beers, huh? Yeah,
great.

There's going to be a special season
this one coming up, huh?

Yep.

How about the Cubs?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bulls? Sure.

Yeah.

You're nuts.

Calling me cute names won't make me feel
any better.

Hey, look, Danny, I know I lay you down
back there.

You know, 10 years of a loving family, a
clean life, finally caught up.

You don't know how much I wish I could
have hung in there with you.

Last night when I got home, I had to
grab hold of the lawn to keep from

off the earth.

I know, I know the feeling.

Remember when I dared you to climb the
Wheaton Water Tower and spray paint your

name on the side of it?

Yeah.

And you did it. You actually did it. I
know.

And that same guy is now married with a
wonderful wife and three great kids. It

just blows my mind. Me?

Come on. In junior year in high school,
you broke the record for detentions.

And now you're carrying a badge and
giving out tickets.

At least I'm still getting suspended.

They're not going to fire you, are they?

Nah, my captain intervened.

They'll probably just send me around to
high schools with a puppet.

Hey, look what I found in the garage.

Neat. You still playing, don't you?

Isn't there an entire family of aliens
being crossbred with humans at Wright

-Patterson Air Force Base?

With a little help from Elvis? Oh,
you've got it.

Hey, come on. I know the guys. This is
my German home.

Really? Yeah.

Why don't we jump up there and sing a
song?

The lettuce?

Yeah, the lettuce. Come on, full time.
You know what I love about the blues? In

that world, we're still young bucks.
Come on, Buck. Let's go. Let's see what

can do.

Hey, Tony, can we jump in? Yeah, come
on. Come on. You guys know Cadillac Man?

Yeah, you remember the words? I know the
words. You try to keep up with me.

One,

two, three, four.

I got the check in my hand.

And I catch it real quick, as fast as I
can.

I roll in with the ladies that call me
the Cadillac man.

I'm the king of the road.