All language subtitles for According to Jim s01e19 The Receipt

You know, I've seen Cheryl do this
before.

She just presses a button and the whole
thing collapses.

I think I heard a click that was my
knee.

You know what? Not now, but Mommy will
sing it later for you as much as you

want. Yay!

So, I'm sitting there watching the
director's cut of Red Heat, which, by

way, Cheryl, is very good.

Completely overlooked by the Academy.

Anyway, the DVD player breaks down and
craps right out on me. What? We've only

had it a week.

Bingo.

So, I'm going to take this back to Lazy
Al.

I'm going to exchange it and get a new
one, but I need that receipt.

My pinky!

My whistle!

Thanks, Jim. That's where I keep all the
stuff I don't want him to have anymore.

My nudie pen.

Hello, Ingrid.

She lives in a pen, Jim.

that receipt in here. What did you do
with it?

Me? I never take anything out of that
drawer. You're the one who's always

things, like our honeymoon tickets. I
did not lose those tickets. You told me

put them in the green suitcase. You
didn't take the green suitcase. Well,

why didn't you tell me to put them in
the green suitcase? Why would I tell you

to put them in a suitcase you weren't
even taking? Cheryl, only you can answer

that.

That was ten years ago.

Come on, can't you think of anything
recently that I lost?

Uh, ten pounds?

Although, in your defense, you did find
them.

Cheap shot, Cheryl. I am storing that
one.

You mean where your hair used to be?

Did I forget a birthday or something?
What's going on here? No, no. I'm just

sick of you losing things all the time
and blaming me. Like my car keys or your

sunglasses or the electric bill.

Come on, Cheryl. That was fun. It was
like camping.

stop keeping score with me. I mean, you
store these lists in your head.

Oh, you mean up here with my thick,
lustrous hair?

Cheryl, you are making me very angry and

very hot.

Come on.

It's obvious that someone just broke in
here in the middle of the night and

stole my receipts. Yeah, Jim.

It's probably halfway to South America
by now, chopped up and sold for

I know what's in here. Honey, honey,
seriously, you probably don't want to

anything because the police are going to
want to dust for prints.

I'm going to... Ah,

Tiffany.

That wicked lady took your sister away.

Welcome to Lazy Al's. We're too darn
lazy to raise our prices.

I bet you hate saying that, don't you?

No, I don't.

Well, this thing is broken here, and I
want to exchange it for a new one. Okay.

Can I see your receipt?

Well, my wife lost it.

Women, huh?

Don't get me started.

No returns without a receipt. No
exceptions.

Oh, come on, buddy. We all know that
rules are meant to be broken, huh?

Are you trying to bribe me with an

Arby's coupon?

Okay, I understand.

You're a worthy opponent.

Let's make this a game of skill.

I'm thinking of a number between one and
ten.

Seven. Damn.

I need that receipt, sir. I'm thinking
of a number. Sixty -three. How do you

know that?

What's that, Jim, the new DVD player?

Why, yes, my darling, it is.

Oh, Jim, you're my hero.

Would you like steakums for lunch
followed by afternoon sex?

Well, you know, Cheryl, I really didn't
think about that, but yes, I would.

Okay, I get it. You didn't lose the
receipt. Oh, I didn't lose the receipt.

That's very interesting. So maybe you
were incorrect.

Maybe you could have been possibly
wrong, perchance mistaken.

All right.

I got it. All right.

Cheryl, excuse me.

I am going to take a nap to save up
energy for our afternoon sex.

Okay, honey.

You win. Enjoy your nap.

Thank you. Bingo!

B -I -N -G -O! B -I -N -G -O! B -I -N -G
-O! Bingo!

Boy,

I am a genius.

Yeah, spell it.

Yeah, go ahead and make fun of me, but I
just fooled my wife, and she's a very

smart lady.

All right, so how did you fool her?

You see, I was going to return this
broken DVD player, right? Okay. But I

the receipt, and I couldn't find it, and
Cheryl accused me of losing it. Did

you? Well, yeah, pretty much.

That's why I went out and bought a new
DVD player, so she wouldn't, you know,

harp on me for 50 years about the
mistakes I made. I know what you mean.

still won't let me forget the time when
I used her Easy -Bake oven to cremate my

dead frog, Mr. Hoppers.

Guys, women, women are like a dog with a
bone.

They bury it for a while and then they
dig it up when they want to use it

against you.

My barber told me that. You were in the
chair long enough to get all that?

Act like you don't know why. Okay.

You don't even know what you did, do
you? Uh, overreacted to something small.

Oh, sorry. That's what you do.

I hate you when you dance.

Stop dancing!

I made your stupid spaghetti sauce last
night for my date and it was awful.

Oh, honey, your dates are always awful.

Okay, what did you do wrong?

I didn't...

One can of tomato paste, three
tablespoons of olive oil, one tablespoon

oranges. Oregano.

Oranges? You're not making a smoothie.

Oh, my God.

Lazy ass.

This is the receipt for the DVD player.

Jim did lose the receipt. He is so
busted.

Where'd you get this? From you.

You took it out of that drawer, wrote
the recipe on it, and handed it to me.

Wait a minute.

If he didn't have the receipt, how did
he get lazy to take his DVD player back?

Maybe he undid his top button and cried.

I once returned a car like that.

He totally deceived me. Well, Cheryl,
what have I been telling you for ten

years? That man has no good qualities.

Come on, let's go nail him.

I'll say because I gave it to Dana and
then he'll say so it was really you who

lost the receipt. I don't have anything
to say.

Wow.

I must have no life because I find this
fascinating.

What are you doing?

Oh, listen carefully, little sister.

Men are like a dog with a bone.

They'll bury it for a while but they'll
dig it up when they need to.

Also, there's the chewing and the
licking.

Trying to get me from jury duty.

It's time to ring. See ya.

Watch the door. Okay.

What am I looking for?

If you see Cheryl, say something.

Like what?

Like, hey, Jim, Cheryl's coming.

Seems a little long.

How about Blue Canary? Just watch the
door!

This broken DVD player. I thought they
wouldn't take it without a receipt.

Oh, I have a receipt from the new DVD
player.

That's just wrong.

How do you sleep at night?

In the nude with your sister.

Okay, okay. All we're going to do is
we're going to go in there, we're going

get our money, and then we're going to
get out.

So be calm.

Don't worry about me.

What's that in my veins? Oh, it's ice
water.

Hey, Mr. Iceman.

Stay close.

Hey. Hi, welcome to Lazy Al's. We're too
darn lazy to raise our price.

Stay down!

We're locked in!

It opens in, sir.

Just pull it.

Return this for cash.

Okay, can I see a receipt?

Oh, I think I can scare one up.

Okay, there's a problem.

Aside from this frozen tater tot, the

serial numbers on this DVD player and
this receipt don't match.

the customer's always right. That goes
out the window when they're trying to

us off.

All right, I'm going to call my lawyer,
sir.

One second, please.

Yes, I'll hold.

Yes, Johnny Cochran, please.

Sir, that's a price scanner.

right now, I won't call the police.

It opens in, sir.

We're just talking man stuff. Yeah, you
know, I was going to do some measuring

and stuff. I was thinking maybe, I don't
know, I'll change the garage into a

study for my books.

Why? Is the rack next to the toilet
getting too small?

What's this?

Oh, that's the DVD player.

Oh, really? That's funny because the
girls are in the house watching a DVD

now.

You want to tell me what's going on?

Dana.

What? Oh, come on.

This is the only reason I really come
over here. You think I like to watch him

eat?

All right.

What's going on?

Well, you know, long story short,

and here we are.

the slightly longer version?

I lost the receipt and bought a new DVD
player and here we are.

Unbelievable.

All right.

I'm standing in front of you totally
vulnerable.

If you want me to take my pants off, I
will.

Why would I want you to take your pants
off?

Just an expression.

Come on. Come on, Cheryl. All right.

pulling any punches i know i know all
right perfect

opportunity to bust you and i can't do
it what do you mean oh i

took the receipt out of the drawer i
wrote a recipe on it and i handed it to

dana

to your web of deceits.

Wait, you got the receipt. I can return
the DVD.

Okay, okay, okay.

Here's where my story gets funny.

I burned it.

Why?

Well, because I knew that sooner or
later you'd find it and then you just

it over me.

Well, I bought a new DVD player because
I didn't want you to lord it over me. I

didn't want you to put it on that list
of yours. Oh, man.

The amount of time we spend keeping
score is just exhausting.

It is.

What are we doing here? I mean, we're
keeping lists on each other.

I mean, there's got to be some good
things on that list or we wouldn't be

married all these years.

I got good things on the list.

Really? Yeah.

What? Oh, here's one.

We'll eat anything.

How about a good thing that's not
insulting to you? Oh, okay.

Oh, I know.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Cheryl!

a save in this one, but he was a good
father and a loving, devoted husband.

What?

It's my widow's list.

It's the kind of stuff I was saving for
your funeral.

You think you're going to live longer
than me?

Jim, you order a side of eggs with your
omelet.

Okay.

Here goes.

I'd like to thank you both for coming.

I have more friends than that.

Since we were married, a day

hasn't gone by that Jim hasn't made me
laugh.

Even if it was at him rather than with
him.

Oh, and he's such a good father. Like,
like...

All the times he stayed up all night
with Ruby when she was sick.

Or when Gracie dropped her teddy bear in
the lake and he jumped in with all his

clothes on to save it. I remember that.

A brand new roll of Lifesavers ruined.

Anyway, Blank and I would like to invite
you all up to our lavish estate for

champagne and caviar.

Who's Blank?

My boyfriend.

Cute doctor who fought so valiantly to
save you.

You're too much.

Well, let me ask you something.

Did he kiss like this?

No. No, he didn't. Actually, he kissed
like this.

for that receipt and I just couldn't
find it.

Oh, it's hot in here.

Yes.

Anyway,

so, um, if I don't get $200...

Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Here. Here. And here's the universal
remote on the house. Just take that.