All language subtitles for According to Jim s01e18 Birthday Boys

Here we go.

Happy first birthday, my son.

Now, this is a Sunday.

It's a Sunday, but don't be fooled by
the name.

Because you can have it every day of the
week.

That's right.

Make a wish.

Let me give you some advice. If you're
going to wish for the chicken alias, not

going to happen.

Ready? Ready?

All for you, my son.

All for me, my son.

And when you're a little older, we're
going to have beer with this.

Oh,

baby.

Yeah, that's right. Happy birthday, boy.

It's a little man workbench. You like
that? Look at it. It's got a wrench and

screwdriver and a saw. You can be just
like that.

Exposed butt cracks sold separately.

Somebody's been looking.

Ew.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't see you there.

Interesting. It's my birthday, too, yet
you didn't see me.

You only see Kyle.

Look at that smug smile on his face.

Oh, he's probably pooping, Andy.

Oh.

Great. Hey, everybody, look at me. I'm
pooping.

I try and make a joke, and he shows me
up.

All right, Andy, what's going on? I
don't know.

It's just now that Kyle and I have the
same birthday, which is great.

Big fan.

Are we going to celebrate together every
year?

No.

Someday you'll die.

I love Kyle. I guess I just don't want
to share my birthday.

I'm trying to look at this as an adult,
but it's just that I'm... Big baby.

You're the baby.

Andy won. Gracie's in.

How about this? Why don't we do
something special for you? What would

I don't know.

Oh, come on. There must be something.

Dinner at the Rusty Schooner restaurant
and an 8 .45 viewing of Rollerball at

the Cineplex and a treat. Surprise me.
No coconut.

Rusty Schooner. Isn't that the place
with the 72 -ounce steak?

Oh, Jim.

Jim, that's four and a half pounds of
meat.

It's like trying to eat your own head.

Oh, and if you finish it, they give you
the little metal pin that's shaped like

an anchor.

You know what? You go for the pin. I'm
going for the challenge.

Man against meat.

So far, I'm undefeated.

Okay, it's time.

Hello. For my present for Kyle.

Oh, look at this, sweetie.

One custom -painted mural for your
child's room from We World of Wonder.

Danny, this must have cost a fortune.
Oh, don't worry about it. But, yeah, it

did. No.

It's sweet, but it's a little much.

Oh, come on, Cheryl. He's my boy. Oh,
he's my boy.

I'm his auntie.

I know, I know, but you buy these
expensive gifts for the girls. I'm

you're spoiling me.

Cheryl,

she wants to spend the money on the
gift's letter.

Come on, birthdays are a big deal. Thank
you, Jim.

You're welcome, Dana.

More cake?

Don't mind if I do. No, I mean I want
you to get me some more cake.

All right.

Unless Cheryl thinks I'm spoiling you.

Oh, I'll get it.

She'll never get the right ice cream to
cake ratio.

You know what I'm thinking about?

Oh, let me see.

Couldn't be that 72 -ounce steak at the
Rusty Schooner, could it?

No.

I'm thinking about birthdays and, I
don't know, passages of time, family,

you know, life just goes by in a blink.

All right, you got me. I was thinking
about steak.

You took Dana's side.

I didn't take Dana's side. It's just how
I felt.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for a good, sturdy pair of
steak pants.

What?

Cheryl, I'm going to eat a 72 -ounce
piece of meat.

I need a pair of pants that are up to
the challenge.

Hey, where are those pants that I wear
when I have my winter weight?

You ripped them when you were carrying
your summer weight.

it with Dana. I keep asking her not to
spend so much, but every birthday, every

holiday, it's $100, $200 gifts.

Look, if she's stupid enough to love her
kids as much as we do, she deserves it.

Hey, remember last

Halloween I played MC Hammer? Where are
those pants?

You made them into a tent for the kids.

Right. I mean, she does love her kids a
lot. Hey, look, it's only money. Yeah.

Better yet, it's her money.

Okay. Would you do me a favor?

Would you pick up the check tomorrow at
Andy's birthday dinner? It would help

even things out for me. All right.

But make sure the kids fill up on bread
before they order.

Of course.

Hey, what do you think if I wear this
robe to dinner?

Oh, I don't know, Jim. What if there's a
breeze?

No, really. I could put an ascot on.

With you on my arm, everyone will think
I'm half.

No, they won't.

You're right.

You're not twins.

But if you were... No, Jim. No, no.

a 72 -ounce landlubber.

Yep. And it's about to set sail.

Abast me, Hardy.

Requesting an official gold anchor pin.

Arrgh. We don't have pins. We have
stickers.

Can we have one?

No, girl. No, it's a special sticker.

The only people who get these...

Well, let's either finish the steak or
keep my pants on. What do you want me to

do?

Keep your pants on.

Oh, here, I'll take that.

No, no, no, no. Let me get the check.

I'm not Jim, really. He's my brother.

All right. You can't argue.

Yes, I can.

Andy, it's Cheryl's brother.

I'm married to Cheryl.

I'm going to take the check.

Whoa!

Somebody break something?

It's my pleasure.

Jim, please, I can afford this. So can
I.

But this is not a problem for me. What,
do you think it's a problem for me?

Well, I do make more money than you.

Give me the check.

was in my stomach.

Oh, can you blame it? You ate 72 ounces
of meat.

No, Cheryl, I conquered 72 ounces of
meat.

Can you believe Dana said that tonight?

She said, I make more money than you.
Well, she does.

How do you know that?

Because I know what you make and I know
what she makes. Do you really want to

know? No.

Yeah. No.

Jim.

She didn't mean anything.

nice. No, she wasn't. She was trying to
rub it in my face like she does when she

buys those expensive gifts for the kids.

Wait a minute.

When I said something about those gifts,
I believe you said, it's only money.

I say lots of things. I said I was going
to have a Diet Coke tonight. What did I

have? Six beers.

There you go.

You are a hypocrite.

You change your mind all the time. You
call it being a woman. I do it. I'm a

hypocrite? I'm sorry, honey.

You're a woman.

Well, this woman is going to go
downstairs and sleep on the couch. Oh,

come on. Don't be mad.

Cheryl, I just ate four and a half
pounds of meat. I'm sleeping on the

because I love you.

Drum roll, please.

Ta -da! Wow!

Lena, I love it!

Oh, look, look, it's Jack Spratt, 420
Blackwoods, Hey Diddle Diddle, a couple

rabbits falling down a hill. This is
great. I'm really proud of how it turned

out. It is. What do you think, Jim?

No, I don't know. I mean, it's nice.

That spoon and that dish running off
together, I mean, it's kind of

but...

beautiful. In fact, it's so beautiful, I
kind of feel like we need to repaint

Kyle's room before we put it up there. I
mean, don't you think?

Yes.

We'll paint Kyle's room. We'll paint
their whole house.

I love gifts that make me do more work.

You know, maybe we should put it in the
garage until the room is done. You know,

I think it'll be safer there.

Aunt Dana, can we have one for our room?

Please? No, girls. This is Aunt Dana's
special gift for Kyle.

Then can we have a pony?

Please?

We'll see.

Girls, girls, don't go. asking Aunt Dana
for stuff like that. You ask me. I'm

your father.

I'll get you what you want.

Can you get us a pony?

No.

I want it.

Girls, it's not that I don't have the
money for a pony or enough money to take

people out to a steak dinner or
whatever.

It's that the best gifts come from here.

Not from here.

From your butt?

No, from my wallet.

But what I'm trying to say, girls, is
that the pony isn't important.

What's important is love.

You understand what I'm trying to say,
girls?

made breakfast?

Well, today's kind of a special day.
Why?

Sit down.

Okay. Come on, sit, sit, sit.

Cheryl,

I did something wonderful today.

Oh, my God.

What do you say that for? You don't even
know what I'm going to say.

Well, honey, that's the last time you
did something wonderful. I ended up with

60 rotting tires in the backyard.

Cheryl, Rubber Circle Fun Land was a
great idea.

But this idea is better.

I got the girls a pony.

What?

Oh, tell me it's just for the day.

You bought a pony?

No, Cheryl.

We bought a pony.

I put your name on the card.

Oh.

What?

That's not a pony.

Not a pony donkey.

The girls aren't going to be able to
tell the difference.

Besides, do you know how much a pony is?

Like $1 ,500.

I got this pony for a deal.

All right, stop calling it a pony.

How much was it?

$300.

Down from $500, he still kicks, you
know. What?

I'm going to train him.

You are going to train a donkey?

Cheryl, come on. Doggies are very smart
animals. It's the movies that make them

look stupid.

Besides, look at that. They threw in a
bale of hay.

And it's Derby.

Well, he calms down. I'm going to put
him on. I'm a little scared.

He's got a great personality.

And his name is Paul.

I'm not married to that name.

Speaking of being married to an ass.

That's funny. I'm going to use that.

There is no way you're keeping that
donkey.

What are you talking about? Why not?

I'll walk him.

I'll take care of him.

Cheryl, the girls are really going to
love him.

And you know what? I think you'd love
Paul, too, if I put this little derby

Maybe a big pair of sunglasses.

Paul?

Oh, my God, Dana's mural is ruined.

All right, Cheryl, this is where the
training starts.

Come on, help me rub his nose in it.

Nice going, Cheryl.

This will blow over, Paul.

Not my fault.

It was Paul's.

Paul.

You know what? You should have named
him.

Donkey Hotey.

Don Quixote?

Man of La Mancha?

No?

Who? How about Mr. Applesauce?

Oh, she's so upset. You know, she was
really proud of that mural.

Yeah, I know.

But you know what? In a way, it's kind
of funny.

David spent $500 on a mural for her only
nephew, and now it's ruined.

own a donkey.

How is that funny?

Well, I'd tell it better than that.

Oh, I think he's lonely. I'm going to
keep him company.

Coming, Mr.

Applesauce!

His name is Paul.

Give him his dignity.

Hey, when Dana comes out of the
bathroom, I think you really need to

her. Why?

I didn't kick the mural and pee on it.

Well, you got me there, Jim.

However, you did buy the donkey because
you wanted to prove that you could spend

money, too, because you were threatened
by the fact that my sister makes more

money than you.

What are you talking about?

There you go again.

Confusing the issue to take the blame
off of yourself.

Me? What did I do?

You don't know?

a favor and pick up the check for Andy's
dinner?

What does that have to do with a donkey
in our garage?

Cheryl, if you can't draw a straight
line from a steak dinner to a donkey in

garage, then I can't help you.

All right, you guys.

I think I'm just going to go home. I'll
see you later. Bye -bye.

Go, go.

That donkey is an ass.

Cheryl gave me that.

She also, you know, put the mural in the
garage.

But you know what? We're big enough. We
can both forgive her. Jim, this isn't

about the mural.

You're threatened because a woman makes
more money than you.

What is with you and Cheryl?

I am not threatened by women making more
money than me. Come on, I know that.

I mean, there's Oprah.

There's Madonna.

There's that blonde lady who makes
lampshades out of apples.

Martha Stewart?

Okay.

So then what is your problem?

I'll tell you what my problem is, Dana.

It's what you said the other night.

I make more money than you.

In front of my kids.

Dana, that's why they're coming up to
you and asking you for stuff.

Instead of me, their father.

I'm the head of the family.

And when you said that, it just...

Cut me off at the meetings. All I wanted
to do was pay for dinner.

David, that's fine.

But it's just the way you did it.

It made me feel about this big.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying that I hurt your
feelings? No!

I'm just saying you make me feel bad
inside.

Jim, of course you're the head of this
family.

You take care of everybody. You even...

Take care of me and Andy.

Well, then I had no choice.

You guys were thrust at me.

All right, I see what happened.

You do? Yeah, I shouldn't have said that
thing.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I'm not going to stop buying stuff for
your kids, though. No, no, I want you to

keep doing that. All right.

Actually, you know what they really
want? I heard them talking.

What?

That DirecTV with the sports package?

Really?

Ruby has been chattering about it.

Something about international soccer.

So are we okay?

Yeah. Should we hug?

No. We're okay.

Listen, the mural? Yeah. I want to pay
for it.

What?

Between a steak dinner and a donkey
pony?

I'm just a little tapped out right now.
Yeah, that's okay. I can afford it. I

make more money than you.

Oh, come on. I didn't stay in front of
anyone.

I was this close to hugging you.

Hey, you guys, you've got to check this
out.

needs to find a girlfriend.

I think you just did.