All language subtitles for According to Jim s01e11 The Bad Word

Hey, Jim.

Jim. Shh.

What? The game hasn't even started yet.
We have to establish a policy.

Last time you distracted me with stuff
that had nothing to do with the game. I

was choking on a chicken bone.

At the top of your lungs.

Oh, wait a second, wait a second.

What are you doing?

Well, last time the Bears won, the Bulls
were just like this.

You mean half MD with your big sausage
fingers in them?

That's great, Dana.

Piece of chicken?

Oh, come on. I almost died.

Oh, you were popping like a chicken.

Okay,

guys, I'm taking Ruby to ballet.
Remember, she has that recital coming

Kyle's asleep. Gracie's upstairs playing
with her friends Emma and Madison.

Okay. Don't worry, they'll be fine. I
don't think you'll even hear a peep out

them. Okay. And we'll be back in about
an hour.

Bye -bye, guys. Bye -bye.

All right.

Good, good.

First down. Now you bring the train up.

Oh, baby.

You're driving me nuts, too. You want to
go to a sports bar? Yeah.

Wait, Jim, you can't go.

Why not?

They're your kids.

Not all of them.

They're your responsibility.

Yeah, responsibility.

There's a racket.

Come on, Jim.

Hey, hey, Madison, Madison, Madison,
Madison, stop jumping up and down like

that. Gracie, Gracie, Gracie, stop
barking like a dog and leave Gary Sinise

alone, please.

And you, what's your name, honey? What's
your name? Emma.

Stop banging on that thing, please.

He takes the draw to Thomas.

Looking up field.

He's got a man. Go, go, go. He's wide
open.

Let's it fly.

Catch it.

And it is intercepted. No.

I think this is Harper. It's Harper.
Stop him. Coming across the 40.

Stop him now.

The 25, the 20.

He's got clear sailing, folks. They're
not going to catch him today.

Touchdown!

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dorothy.

Hey, did Madison have fun here
yesterday?

She did.

Well, come on. How bad a word can it be?
I mean, she's only... Oh.

Wow. That is bad.

Gee, I don't know what could have
happened. I was here with them for most

time, and then I left them with...
Dorsey, can I get back to you on

that? Yeah, I'm really, really sorry.

Hey, listen, do you want to have lunch
sometime? Because I... What was that

about? That was Madison's mother.

Apparently, Madison's been saying a new
word since she was here yesterday.

What word?

Well, apparently, he said...

I left them with Jim.

You guys left and the bears were on.

Hmm. I wonder what could have happened.

Well, you know, you marry a St.

Bernard, you can't complain about the
slobber.

Gosh, did you girls get more beautiful
since I left this morning?

Yes.

Did you bring us something from work?

Yes, I did. For you, I have a pad of
paper.

And for you, a coffee mug that says
Andy. You mean it talks?

Yes, it does. And so does the pad of
paper.

So why don't you girls go upstairs and
listen to them.

But, you know, you got to give them a
minute because they're shy.

Yellow.

Oh, hi, Dorothy.

That's my new greeting. You like it?
Yellow.

Oh, well, some people like it a lot.

This is his mother.

She just called to thank me for
apologizing.

What's that about?

About swearing in front of Madison.

Honey, you really have to watch your
language in front of the kids.

So you apologized for something I
supposedly said in front of Madison?

Yeah, and I brought her a plate of
cookies.

Cookies?

Why didn't you just tell her that I was
an idiot?

I did, and I gave her the cookies.

Cookies? Okay, Cheryl.

All right.

What word was it that I supposedly said?

You said... That's two words.

Cheryl, you know what? I can't believe
you. I can't believe you just went and

apologized. You didn't even think to ask
me. And then to do it with cookies?

You know what? That really hurts,
Cheryl.

What kind were they?

Double chocolate chip.

Double chocolate chip?

Those cookies should have never left
this house!

Cheryl...

automatically believe her.

Well, honey, you know, sometimes you say
things around the house or when you're

driving or, you know, when you miss a
belt loop. Oh, son of a... See?

Honey, look, Madison could have picked
that word up from anybody.

Everybody swears. It's like peeing in
the shower.

Why didn't Emma's mother call, huh? Why
isn't Gracie running around the house

using those words? Did you ever think
that maybe Madison picked it up from her

own father?

I mean, he's a truck driver, for crying
out loud.

Hi, Kim.

He's not a truck driver. He's a
violinist.

Violinist. Please, they're the worst.

Gerald.

Gerald, come on. You always take the
other person's side.

You always presume that I'm the one
that's screwed up. And when you presume,

make an ass out of you and me.

That's not the saying.

It's a saying?

Shut up.

You always take other people's side.

You do. You always talk about how we're
a team.

How we should stand up for each other.

And you don't do that for me.

Hey, honey, where are you going?
Dinner's almost ready.

Cheryl?

I might not make it down for dinner, but
in case I do, I want chicken parmesan.

We're having salmon.

And mashed potatoes?

Rice.

I see.

Well, why don't you just send the pizza
boy up to the bedroom and make sure he

knocks this time.

some of your coffee?

Yeah, sure, honey.

Dang nuts, you shouldn't have that.

What? There's no sugar in it.

Hey,

Jim, coffee?

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

How are you?

Oh, I'm okay.

Yeah, I came up to talk to you last
night, but you were already asleep.

Did I finish the pizza? Every last
piece.

Good, because I was making a statement.

What kind of statement?

If I could have found the words, I
wouldn't have eaten the pizza.

You know, Jim, I was thinking about what
you said last night about us being

partners and that you needed my support.

You were right.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. All right, all
right, baby. All right, come on, girls,

let's go. No, no, no, no, no, no, stay
here.

I think it's important for the girls to
see when a woman is wrong and the man is

right.

And you know what? It wouldn't hurt you
either.

You're drinking my spit.

Now, see, I think this is a time when a
lesser man

might swear.

But not me.

See, because the children are here.

And when the children are here, I don't
do that kind of thing because I wouldn't

want them to pick it up.

Cheryl, I am glad you are here to
witness it.

And Dana, now I don't feel so bad about
putting my earwax on your cinnamon bun.

You're bluffing.

Am I?

Come on, Ruby. Let's go get your stuff
ready for school.

Oh, boy, this is a good day.

Where did you learn that word, honey?

Daddy.

Well, at least she used it right.

pick that word up for me?

Yes, I did, Daddy. You said we're here
watching football.

Oh, man.

Dana, please, please don't tell Cheryl.
Oh, why not, Jim?

I think it's important for the girls to
see what it's like when the woman is

right and the man is wrong.

And you know what? It's good for me,
too.

All right.

What do you want?

How about you pay me the $500 you still
owe me?

You wanted that back?

You write me a check right now or I'm
going to go in there and spill.

Dina, I can't do that. Cheryl's got the
checkbook. Her purse is right over

there. Dina, I am not going to go into
her purse.

We have a little thing in this family
called trust.

Watch the door.

Honey, what are you doing to my purse?

I was looking for the...

apricot lip remedy.

Mmm, apricotty.

All right, come on, sweetie. We're going
to take Ruby to school.

No, you can't do that.

I'm going to take her to the work site
with me today.

Why?

Because, you know, I think it's about
time she learned what I did for a

You know, she can't go on believing that
I'm really an astronaut.

Let's go.

There's a bucket in the truck.

Hey, Jim, have you seen my Andy coffee
mug?

Uh, yeah, I gave it to Ruby.

My college professor gave that to me
when I graduated.

His name was Andy, too.

Oh, how sweet.

I'll be sure and tell Ruby.

Hey! Did she just say... Yeah.

Gracie? Now, we talked about this in the
truck.

I told you, that is a very bad word, and
we are never to say that.

Even Dad can't say that, even if the
Bears are losing.

Okay? I'm a donut.

Yes, honey, you can.

Go ahead.

Andy, she's going to always say that
word. Yes, she's my daughter. It's in

blood.

I don't know what to do.

I know.

One time when my dad caught me smoking,
he pulled out a pack of cigarettes, made

me smoke them all right there.

I've never touched a cigarette since,
and I'm a lot better off for it.

Gracie, come on in.

Why don't you go?

I'm going to do with Gracie what your
dad did with you.

Oh, okay. I got a pack of cigarettes in
the drawer.

With swearing.

Right, right.

I gotta dump those sprinkles on it.

Oh, Gracie, I was kind of saving that
for myself.

Oh, princess, you've got a lot to learn.

Come here, Gracie. You want to play a
game?

All right, let's play a game.

Remember that word I told you you
couldn't say? Uh -huh.

Well, you can say it a whole bunch.

As much as you want.

Yay!

Okay, but you can't stop until I tell
you to stop.

Okay.

Ready?

Set.

Gracie, huh?

She's been an angel. She hasn't said
that word in five days.

We did it, Jim.

Will you stop that?

I just love this piece. Is this Debussy?

I don't know. I'm going to have to check
the big book of crap I don't care

about.

Shh. My son's dancing.

Oh, that's right.

Your son is dancing.

Very nice, Roland.

You hear that?

Roland.

Ruby?

Ruby!

Ruby! Ruby is going to show us how to do
a pirouette.

Pirouette? That's a cookie. Shut up!

Roland said that word yesterday.

I should have known it would come from a
guy like you.

Yeah, and that's going.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, don't talk to
my husband that way.

Cheryl, Cheryl, please, it's okay.

No, Jim, everybody's staring at you.

Cheryl, I'm an attractive man.

Now calm down.

No, we're a team, and I want to say
something.

I see the way you're looking at him.
Like he swears in front of his kids.

let me tell you.

Nobody sets a better example for his
children than my husband.

He is a compassionate, caring, honest
man.

That's me.

And I will not sit here quietly while
you judge him.

So, you know, if you're looking to point
a finger, instead of pointing it like

this, why don't you try pointing it like
this?

Except I'm you right now.

And it doesn't feel very good, does it?
I mean, did you even...

that word from one of your children who
probably heard it from you or you or

you.

I heard it from Gracie. I heard it from
Daddy.

Isn't my wife hot?

All right, girls. Go upstairs.

I want to talk loud to your father.

No, no, no, no, girls. Stay right there.

Cheryl, they're going to be gone one
day, and we're going to wish we had the

sign back.

They're not going to protect you, Jim.

Girls.

All right. Come with us, baby.

At least let me have the boy.

Go ahead.

I can take you out and still catch Kyle
before he hits the floor.

You know, I'm willing to take that
chance, but he's our only boy.

All right, Jim. Wait, wait, wait.

Cheryl, before you start yelling, I just
want to say this, okay?

Look, I know you were really embarrassed
back there.

And in a way, I blame myself.

But, you know, the funny thing is, is
that as bad as you felt is as good as I

felt.

Cheryl, listen to me. Hear me out. I
think I know where I'm going now.

I just...

You know what, honey? I've screwed up in
my life.

I've gotten in a lot of trouble.

I've said things. I've done things.

Worn things.

And nobody, nobody's ever stood up for
me like that.

I mean, not my mom, my dad.

Nobody.

You know what it makes you feel?

It makes me feel that I'm not alone.

It makes me feel like I'm a guy worth
defending.

And I just want you to know that I just
adore you, honey.

And I just think you're like the coolest
chick ever.

Well, I think you're pretty cool, too.

Yeah?

I'm feeling very close to you right now.
Are you? Yeah.

I'm thinking maybe we can get into some
very hot, steamy lasagna.

You are such a...