All language subtitles for According to Jim s01e06 The Crush

and bagged the bag, filled his tummy
full of groceries, and was the happiest

in all of Bagville.

Boy, you didn't see that one coming,
huh?

Kind of makes you think, doesn't it?

Okay, that's it.

Daddy, read us another one.

Oh, come on.

Honey, is dinner ready yet?

It's four o 'clock, Jim.

All right, I'll read you another one.

But I get to pick a story.

Okay, Daddy.

All right, this one's called Baggy and
the Sports Page.

Look, the Chicago Blackhawks beat the
Calgary Flames once again in overtime.

Where's Baggy? He's coming, he's coming.

Oh, quarterback Trent Green is still
questionable for Sunday's game against

Titans.

Said Baggy.

Oh, honey, we're out of milk.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Dana finished it
last night.

Dana?

What am I supposed to use in my coffee?

Wow. I bet this would be great without
coffee.

Mother Sparrow feeding her babies.

Good morning, everybody.

Hi. You ready for your blind date
tonight?

Oh, I canceled.

What? You were so excited about it. No,
he's a loser. You say that about every

guy you go out with. No, no, no. This
time, it's not me. Listen.

Oh,

God. It gets better.

leave a message for my mother, uh, press
two.

I can't believe what my life is coming
to.

Oh, Dana, you know, I know it's
frustrating, but you have to stay open

when you leave to expect it, Mr. Wright
will come along.

That's what happened for me.

Hey, that's my bacon, hey!

I'll bring home some bacon tonight.

Oh.

You do know you don't live here, right?

Dana, would you please help me get the
girls ready for school?

Oh, sure.

And would you mind picking your
toothbrush out of my bathroom?

You didn't use it, did you?

Not on my teeth.

Funny. What? It must be nice to Dana.
She's having a rough time. She hasn't

any guys she likes in months.

Because she's always in my kitchen
eating my food.

The only guy she's going to meet here is
Captain Crunch.

And, honey, she's here even on the
weekends.

The neighbors think I got two wives.

You said them straight, didn't you?

I'll get to it.

Look, honey, soon Daniel will meet
somebody, and then we'll never see her.

Well, I hope it's soon, because it would
really be great to have a nice, quiet

meal with my immediate family.

Bye, buddy.

Oh, oh.

How many times are you going to tell me
to fix this before I just do it?

Jim. It's on my list. Okay.

Hey, Jim, I think something's wrong with
the scale in your bathroom. It seems to

be stuck on 300.

Hey, Dana, I heard that there was a
truckload of single guys just turned

Expressway. If you hurry up, you might
be able to grab them while they're still

stunned.

Why are you in such a bad mood?

Dana was over again moaning and groaning
how she can't find a decent guy. You

know, your sister, there's nothing good
enough for her. Oh, tell me about it.

The glass isn't half empty. It's the
wrong beverage.

Yeah. Hello, boys. Hey, Gabrielle.
What's shaking, baby?

Pretty much everything.

Hey, how about two of those delicious
breakfast burritos?

And, Andy, what are you going to have?

Oh, you boys are the highlight of my
day. So are you, my darling.

You know, Andy, I can't understand why
Dana can't find a decent guy.

I mean, look around. This place is
crawling with them. Yeah, it's a meat

She should come down here.

Yeah, that'll require moving her ass off
my couch.

What about that guy?

Eh, he doesn't pop for me.

What about that guy there?

Beyond... Hold it.

How about that guy?

Yahtzee!

Find someone? Is it me? Am I ugly?

Oh, no, honey, you're beautiful.

I know!

Hey!

It's on the list.

There is no list, is there?

No!

Dean, just the person we were looking
for. We have a surprise for you. Andy?

Say, Jim?

Yeah, Andy?

What's six feet tall, broad -shouldered,
and named Nick Devlin, the welder who

we're fixing Dana up with tonight?

Gee, I don't know, Andy.

That's not how we practiced it in the
car. We did it a couple of different

No, no, no, I am not doing this. I am
not going out with any of your idiot

friends. Dana, look.

If you're looking for a guy, I found a
guy.

He should be here any minute.

Oh, I'm so out of here.

Dana, why don't you just give him a
chance?

Because, Jim, the last guy you set her
up with tried to pay the check with

candy.

Cheryl, she's going to like him.

Andy, isn't she going to like him? I
don't know.

Do you like rainbows or sunshine or your
destiny?

I'm sorry. I'm not interested. I'm
leaving.

Huh?

Cheryl? Oh, my God, Jim. He's gorgeous.

I gotta hand it to you. You've really
done it.

But you know what? While I'm thinking
about it, this porch light is too

I'm going to listen.

Beer? Sure.

Did you hear that?

What? The sound of Dana not here?

Now all we've got to do is get rid of
you.

I hear that.

steaks in the backyard, he needs paprika
and some pruning shears. Pruning

shears? Yeah, when he's done cooking,
he's going to turn the hedge into a

squirrel for the kids.

A little topiary.

Honey, my steaks, I wanted to cook them
tonight for you and the kids.

Who fixed that?

Nick.

Honey, I was going to do it. No, you
weren't. I know.

I just thought dinner would be a nice
way to thank him.

I gave them to your sister. Isn't that
enough?

I just want to have a nice meal with
you, me, the children.

I know. Hey, look, we can have steaks
again tomorrow night.

Steaks again?

Well, we can have steaks every night.
We'll just go out to the steak tree and

pull it off.

Cheryl, you've got to see this. Nick's
infusing the steaks with a papaya mango

reduction. What?

Oh, honey, look, I know this isn't what
you had planned for tonight, but look,

Dana is so happy, and it's all because
of you.

You know, you don't put fruit on steaks.

Look what Nick made.

Honey, you live here.

Bye, Nick.

Bye.

Oh,

my God.

Nick, it's so much fun.

You know, I'll say it again, Jim. You
have really done it. Nick, it's a

terrific...

about mining diamonds in Africa?

I heard, Cheryl.

I was sitting there trying to get the
taste of fruity meat out of my mouth.

Honey, what's going on with you?
Nothing, nothing. Let's just go to bed.

Wait a second.

What?

You're making the first move.

You haven't made the first move since I
took you to that gladiator movie.

Gladiator movie.

Gladiator.

Well, honey, I'm sorry. I just thought
maybe we could make love.

Cheryl, some guys can have sex when
they're upset.

I am one of those guys.

Wait a minute.

Are you in love with Nick?

What? I mean, if you are, honey, if you
are, just say so, and I'm out of here.

I'll pack my bag.

It's got bags with the little wheels on
it probably, huh?

For God's sake, Jim.

Really, I want you to be happy, okay?

Really, just say the word and I'm out of
here.

I mean, you just got to show me how that
bag stuff works.

Well,

all right. Just make sure you empty all
your drawers, including the one with

those tapes you don't think I know
about.

You know about those?

Oh, yeah, honey. While you're at work,
my stewardess friends come over and we

watch them while we have pillow fights
in our panties.

I knew you did that!

Come on!

I mean, I saw the way you talked to him,
laughed with him, sang with him,

camped down races.

There's no racetrack five miles long,
okay?

Okay, honey, look.

Crush on Nick.

Crush, huh?

It's a harmless little crush. It's not
like I'm going to run away with him.

How can I, honey? We don't have any
bags.

No, honey, I'm okay. Okay.

I'm not threatened by this at all. Oh, I
know. Okay. Oh, yeah. In fact, I'm

fine. I know.

You know, it's just a harmless little
thing. I know.

There you are.

Talking to me?

Is there another wonderful person in
this room?

No.

Thank you enough for getting me and Nick
together.

I mean, I know I was resistant, but when
you're right, you're right.

So, this is just a little thank you.

Wow. Montana steaks.

My favorite frozen mail -order meat.

Do you like it?

Yeah.

Thanks. Oh, don't thank me. It's
actually from Nick.

Great.

I'm not going to eat it.

No. That's exactly what he wants.

Probably filled with fruit.

Jim, what's the matter?

I'm just sick of Nick.

Nick in the morning, Nick at noon, Nick
at night.

Jim, you have to admit, Nick is a pretty
outstanding man.

Do you realize your sister has a crush
on him?

Yeah, of course I do.

That doesn't bother you? No, I love it
when Cheryl likes stuff I have.

Does it bother you?

Me? Are you kidding?

I'm fine.

I mean, why would she go for a hamburger
when she could have Salisbury steak?

Oh, you're serious.

I want to marry Nick. No, I want to
marry Nick. No, I do.

Nobody's marrying Nick.

Man,

my wife's got a crush on somebody.

It's me, isn't it?

Russell Crowe. She liked him in that,
uh... What was that movie where he

a gladiator?

Gladiator? Why can't anybody remember
that title? Gladiator! Gladiator! Jim,

calm down.

You're like my dad after a couple of
drinks.

Why? I'm not wearing a dress.

Shut up.

Oh, no. She's got a crush on Dina's
boyfriend, Nick.

He's always in the house. He's talking
to him all the time. This guy's in your

house? Yeah.

That's bad.

Yeah.

But you're the one that brought him
here. I know, and I can't do anything

without looking like a jealous fool.

I'm screwed.

All right, it's Cheryl's brother. I'm
neutral. But as a man, I think you've

to play the jealousy card here. I don't
know. No, come on. Let her know about

one of your crushes. Yeah, Jim. That way
you keep things even.

Nice. Kind of restore the balance, huh?
Yeah.

All right, but she's got to be hot.

Like, like Judy Jetson hot.

So who do you have a crush on?

I don't know. Let me think for a minute.
Oh, I know.

How about that girl on Channel 9 News?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, yeah. No, no. But the security's
going to be tight and she doesn't know

me.

Oh, I know.

Gabrielle from that lunch wagon.

Oh, no, no.

Uh -uh. No.

Gabrielle is my crush, and I ain't
sharing.

Yeah, no longer. Two guys can't share
the same crush. Right.

Maybe not now, but 500 years ago, we'd
have jousted over.

Come on, Andy. 500 years ago, you were
wearing curly shoes and a bill on your

hat.

One, two, three, four.

Hey, Sheriff. Hey, remember the plan?

I memorized the plan and ate it.

We didn't write it down. And what'd I
eat?

Chill. Hi, honey.

Hey, Kyle.

Hey,

Jim. I'm starving.

Yeah. How about some lunch?

Sure. Where do you want to eat?

Why don't we eat right here?

Or we could eat right over here at the
Roach Coach.

Next. Hey, sunshine.

How you doing? Hi, Slim.

Hi, Gabby. I love being a burrito.

What's the catch of the day?

You mean besides your dimples?

Oh, you want me to blush? Because I'm on
a blush.

How about two cheeseburgers and a bean
burrito?

And what are you guys going to have?

Oh,

I'm the Joker, and I'm wild.

Hey, I'm sorry, Cheryl. I'm sure this
probably makes you uncomfortable.

What? Card joke?

Oh, sweetie, that was never funny.

Hey, whoa, calm down.

Hey, you're getting a little out of hand
here, don't you think?

What goes on between me and Gabby goes
on every day.

I mean, you know, it's harmless.

It's like, you know, like you and Nick.

Really? Yeah, it's nothing.

You know, I don't think it is, Jim.

Huh? You may not realize this, but...

This woman is trying to steal you away
from me. Hey, I'm not trying to steal

you. Oh, please.

I'm a woman, too. I see what goes on
here.

Cheryl. You want him. Cheryl, come on.
Everybody is staring here. I'm the boss.

I can't have two women fighting over me.

I don't want him.

He's just a triburito launcher to me.
Hey, you know, I see one for later.

He belongs to me.

Honey, please. You want him?

You're going to have to fight.

I'm bored. I'm bored. Cheryl.

Why don't you come down here and try to
steal my man?

Cheryl. Stop lying behind that window
because I am crazy with jealousy.

Cheryl. Cheryl, please, please, calm
down. Please, honey, it's nothing.

Is that what you wanted, sweetie?

I'm sticking with the wife.

Hey. Hello.

So, uh, what's for dinner?

I don't know. I was thinking maybe...
Pin borrito?

She doesn't even sound like that.

Oh, come on, honey. If you were jealous,
why didn't you just talk to me?

I tried.

Oh, when? When you were packing up your
porn in your imaginary suitcases?

Honey, those are relationship videos.

Honey, it's just a harmless crush. You
have them all the time.

Oh. Oh, I do, do I?

Oh, yes, you do, do you?

What about the...

the blonde cashier at the supermarket.

And there's also the news lady on
Channel 9.

Oh, oh, and there's a girl at the liquor
store who calls you Mr.

Need -A -Penny.

You know about them?

Honey, I'm your wife. I know what you
know before you know you know it.

Hey, what about... She moved.

She did.

I liked her.

You see, honey, we are even.

Oh, Cheryl, come on.

We'll never be even.

Look at you.

Look at me.

Beauty and the Beast.

I mean, you know, honey, sometimes I
just... I don't know what you see in me.

Oh, honey.

I see a funny, sexy man who loves his
family and is a great dad.

Yeah? Oh, Jim, you never have to worry.

Honey, you are the only man for me.

Really? Yeah.

Until Russell Crowe shows up on our
doorstep. Then I'm dropping you like a

of potatoes.

He said something about the
International Space Station. I don't

Figures. I finally meet the perfect guy,
and I've literally driven him off the

face of the Earth.

Dina, you'll find somebody.

No, I won't. I'm going to die alone with
you guys.

Come here, Dina. Come here.

You're going to meet a guy out there one
day.

You will, but you can't just give up.

You know, that's the crazy thing about
life.

is you never know when it's going to
happen. But you've got to get out there

jump back out on that horse.

You just want me out of the house.

Oh, yeah.