All language subtitles for According to Jim s01e03 The Cat Came Back

guys, you're going to be late for
school. Would you grab your backpacks,

Jim, I'll be back for Kyle in 20
minutes. Please don't forget to pick up

at her play date at Jenny Campbell's
after work. Uh -huh.

Oh, and don't forget her shoes this
time. Uh -huh. And you know what? This

Jenny's. Would you please give it back
to her?

Uh -huh.

And I'll be at my boyfriend's tonight if
you need me. Uh -huh.

You are so not listening to me. Yeah,
you'll be at your boyfriend's. Just make

sure you take the kids.

You'll be back in 20 minutes.

Hey,

buddy.

Hurry up.

Okay, pal, you got 20 minutes. Eat up.

Morning, girls.

Good morning,

buddy.

Soft spot getting smaller.

All right.

Hey,

honey, honey, you know where my game day
shirt is?

Oh, yeah, I washed it.

You washed my game day shirt?

Yeah. You don't wash game day shirt.
That's bad luck.

Oh, it's a good thing you don't have
game day underwear.

Honey, you don't wear underwear on game
day.

Damn, springtime crush. What am I
supposed to do? Here.

Hey, good idea.

Oh, yeah, that's better.

Are you ready for some football?

Are you ready for some football?

Yeah, you are it.

Are you ready for some football?

I thought we were all going to paint our
faces.

I guess we forgot to tell you.

Yeah, sweetie.

Are you a clown?

No. I am an AIA -certified architect and
a Stanford graduate.

And on the weekends, a clown.

Hi, honey. Nice for the tailgate.

Oh, baby, you're the best. You just
bought yourself another six months of

my wife.

Oh, yeah.

No, honey, I want you to go and have a
good time.

Oh, I love playing this game.

It is a gorgeous day

here on the lakefront.

We're about an hour away from the
opening kickoff. And the Bears have yet

announce their starting quarterback.

Miller. Matthew. I have to pee.

Oh, we're not going to stop now.

And go to the bathroom in the stadium.

No, I can't pee in a... Trots?

All those men, shoulder to shoulder?
Those stolen glands?

Well, pick your mind off it. Think about
something else.

A babbling brook.

A waterfall.

Yeah, or men peeing.

Yeah.

Cheryl.

Okay, okay, honey. Calm down, calm down.

Cat died.

Mr. Feeny?

Oh, honey, I'm really sorry.

Listen, we'll be there as soon as the
game is over.

I mean halftime.

We're on our way.

Okay, don't worry. It shouldn't take
long.

We should still make the game by
kickoff.

Wow. For sure.

It's so sad.

Yeah.

I didn't even know we still had a
chance.

You're going to love that.

Sorry for your loss.

Hi, honey.

Hi, girls.

Oh, you're looking at pictures of Mr.
Feeney, huh?

I am so sorry we ruined your day.

Where is he?

In the upstairs bathroom.

He died in his litter box.

Oh, like Elvis.

I got this.

this towel to wrap him in, but then I
just couldn't do it. Oh, sweetie, I'll

take care of it. Oh, thank you.

Hey, is this one of the towels I got you
for your anniversary?

I'll just go get them.

I have a special order, though.

Honey, I thought it would be nice for
the girls if we took a few minutes to

goodbye to Mr. Feeney, so if you could
say something.

Sure.

Okay, everybody, Cheryl would like us to
say a few words, so I'll start.

We are assembled here today to pay
tribute to this cat.

Wrapped in Egyptian cotton.

We're here to say goodbye.

Mr. Feeney was more than just a cat to
Cheryl.

He was like a dog to her.

I know if Mr. Feeney were here right
now, he would say, bury me and move on

your day.

Enjoy life.

Eat a pizza.

I mean, it's not my thing, but you may
like it.

Or do whatever you were planning to do
on this beautiful Sunday afternoon.

I mean, come on already, I'm dead.

Okay, Ruby, your turn.

Mr. Phoenix slept on my bed and woke me
up by biting my nose.

Isn't that sweet?

Okay, next.

And then Grace and I put in the kitchen
and made pancakes and waffles, but not

real ones. It was pretend.

That's so beautiful, honey.

Okay, next.

And then there was this one time when we
went to St.

Louis. Uh -huh.

shop and then he married a lollipop.
Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, that was beautiful.

Thank you, Ruby.

Andy.

Gracie, sweetie, do you have something
you want to say?

I loved him.

See, Ruby?

Three words.

Girls, that was perfect. Why don't we go
to the park now?

Go up and grab your sweaters and we'll
get your little brother.

Jim, would you please bury Mr. Feeney in
the backyard?

Sure, honey, sure.

Okay, let's go.

Honey.

You mean now?

I don't want the girls to see.

Okay.

Well, why don't you guys go ahead to the
game, and I'll just get there when I

can. You sure there's nothing we can do?

Well, you can help me dig.

It's just an expression.

That last play gaining about a yard.

So Batch and the Lions face with a third
and goal if you call it the eight -yard

line.

We're tied at 17, but don't go anywhere.

There's a snap.

That's rolling to his right.

Looking in the end zone, he's under
pressure.

He is hit. The ball is loose.

The ball is loose.

And the Bears have it. The Bears got it.
The Bears have it. Yes, yes. I'm just

coming along.

That'll be Fuster.

Yes, sir. That's Fuster who came up with
the loose ball.

Breathe. The Bears defense comes through
once again.

And this crowded Soldier Field is
just...

going bananas, folks.

Bears will have it first and 10 pointing
in the other direction.

Well, I went to the restroom and stood
there at that trough, but no duds.

So I ran across the street and ran into
the room at the Radisson.

That's $34 .50 I ever spent.

Excuse me, excuse me. Hey, we didn't
expect to see you today.

I took a shortcut.

You know, Detroit almost had us there
for a minute.

Then my shirt kicked in.

I mean, I always bring you something.

Here.

Crinkly.

And for you, baby, paper.

You're welcome, honey.

Oh, Cheryl, you missed a great game.

I mean, first I bought a small popcorn.

They gave me a large.

What's for dinner?

I thought we'd have steak.

Oh, steak's great.

Yeah, I'm just going to run out to the
garage, grab them out of the freezer.

Honey, let me get them for you. I'll get
them.

Honey, come on. You've had a hard day.

Going to the game, eating peanuts,
burying my cat.

You have done a lot of stuff.

Let me get them.

Oh, you know what, honey?

You know, I already had steak at the
game.

So steak, it sold your field now?

Yeah, it's called steak on a stick.

Apparently, we're a test city.

You know, I had to fill out a card and
everything, you know.

I don't know if it's going to work in
football. You know, the tenderness is

quite the same on a stick.

Is there something you need to tell me?

I love you.

You know, I feel like that guy in the
movies has got to cut the red wire or

green wire so the bomb doesn't go off.

Well, why don't you just cut the crap
wire?

Okay,

I stuck the cat in the freezer.

But, you know, I mean, the ground was
way harder than I thought it was, honey.

I thought I could come home after the
game and bury Mr. Feeney. I wanted to do

the job right.

No, you want... to go to your stupid
football game.

Honey, let's not say something we're
going to regret later.

You mean like I do?

All right. Now this is how fights get
started.

So I think the thing that we should do
is table this discussion till after

had our steaks.

I love that you actually think I'm
making you dinner.

Come on, honey. It's just a cat.

Damn.

Red wire.

Poor Mr.

Feeny. It looks like he's stalking those
frozen peas.

Yeah. Huh?

Touch it.

I'm not touching, man. You touch it.
Come on, touch it. I'm not going to

that cat. You touch it. I'll give you a
buck if you touch it.

What do I got to do to it for a 50?

That's wrong.

Hey, guys.

Jim, I thought you buried him.

Well, I didn't.

Your sister's all pissed off at me, too.

If I were a woman and my husband froze
my cat, it'd be a long time before I

him any sugar.

Andy, let's not play if I were a woman.

I didn't even know you had a cat.

Thank you.

Women and cats.

I don't get it.

I mean, all they do is eat, sleep, and
stare at you while you're having sex.

Women are cats.

I don't know. We're in a fight now.

She's all upset.

You know, there are no cats mentioned in
the Bible.

Thank you, Tony.

Who knows what goes on in the mind of a
woman?

Andy?

All right, let's rehearse.

Two, three, four.

Okay,

the girls are playing in the room when I
put Kyle down.

How'd you get him to go to sleep so
fast?

Same way I do with all guys. I told him
about my day.

I just, I can't believe Jim did this.

You know, Cheryl, I know this great guy
for you. He lives in my complex, he also

has kids, and I'm totally done dating
him.

The guy with the Porsche?

Yes. I like him.

Guys, sorry.

Mr. Feeney.

Oh, I miss him too.

Those cute little whiskers and those
little paws.

Nothing will ever replace them.

Oh, a doggie!

A doggie!

Girls, come on down. I got a big
surprise for you.

Cheryl?

After our talk, I said to myself, she
lost her cat.

We love that cat.

We're sad about that cat.

So I got you a dog.

A dog?

Yeah, I figured I'd get something that
all of us could love.

Isn't it great?

I named him Gary Sinise.

Jim, you're the one who's always wanted
a dog.

Gary Sinise is a great actor.

He could play a cat.

He likes me. He is licking me.

You know, he licks himself, too.

Problem? Problem solved.

What are you doing?

I'm going to bury my cat.

Give me that.

Let me do it.

Honey, you're not going to be able to...
How did you do that?

Cheryl. Come on, I got you a dog.

Getting a dog is a quick fix.

Like putting a cat in a freezer.

That's like getting skis for someone who
just broke their leg.

Here we go with the skis again.

This is not about...

I know.

What's it about, then? Tell me, will
you?

It's about you not being there for me.

Come on.

Dana and Andy, they went to the game,
too. Why aren't you mad at them?

I'm not married to Andy and Dana.

I needed a little bit of compassion from
the man I love.

Cheryl, look, if you want me to feel the
same way you do about the cat, well, I

don't.

It's a shame that your cat died.

But hey, let's look at the silver
lining. I haven't sneezed all day.

Cheryl, you've got to help me here. I
don't know what you want.

I'm not a mind reader.

You don't have to be a mind reader to
ask me how I'm feeling.

You know, I had that cat for 15 years.

It was the last thing I had left from
before I met you, from before I was...

Somebody's wife and somebody's mother.

You know, a whole part of my life died
today.

Come on, honey, let me help you. Jim!

Would you please just leave me alone
with my dead, frozen cat?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go
clean up after Gary Sinise.

Good night, little monkey.

Good night.

Okay,

you guys.

You ready for Bradford and the Magic
Dinosaur?

No, tell us a real story about Mr.
Feeny.

Okay.

I remember it when Mr. Feeny was born.

He was tiny, tiny and pink.

My boyfriend and I took him home. He
spent the whole night with us.

You and Daddy?

No.

This was a different boy who was a
friend.

You had a boy sleepover?

What was his name?

Uh, David.

Yes, he did.

Oh, do you look how light it is?

Good night, sweetie.

Mommy? Yes?

Is Mr. Baby God's cat?

You guys just don't want to go to sleep,
do you?

Good night.

Amazing grace,

how sweet the sound that

saved a wretch like me.

You like him, don't you?

He's okay.

Okay, Gary, beat it.

Let's go.

Come on. Come on, my time.

I have to know that after nine years,
you can still surprise me.

Where did the name Mr. Feeney come from,
anyway?

Let it go, Jim.

Cat's dead.