All language subtitles for Porters s02e01 Wedding & Perfume

Engaged.

Fuck. To Dr. McKenzie.

Yeah. Fuck.

Simon, see, most people say
congratulations instead of fuck.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Fuck.

Sorry, I'm just a bit surprised.

I didn't even know that you and Dr.
McKenzie were seeing each other. Oh,

that's the crazy thing. We weren't.

I mean, we've been best friends ages of.

And then, you know, the odd booty call
when one of us was feeling low.

That's that time I spent Christmas at
his parents' house.

But other than that, we've never
actually dated.

But apparently he's been secretly madly
in love with me for ages and just didn't

have the courage to say anything until
today. How crazy is that?

So I just said yes, yes, yes!

I mean one, wouldn't you?

Do you just agree?

Simon, you are forgetting one very
important thing.

Dr. McKenzie is a doctor.

Doctors can be evil too. Dr.

Mengele, Nazi, Shipman, mass murderer.
The one from off of Richard and Judy.

Look, yes.

But only as likely, do you, that he's
hiding some big, terrible secret.

You know, in some ways he's very sweet.

Very kind and modest.

Like you.

But better, obviously.

Can I ask you a question?

Be honest.

Do you love him?

Yes.

I do.

Forever and with my whole heart.

And I'm just so pleased you're so happy
for me.

Such a lonely day And it's mine

The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day

Marilyn Monroe really wore this.

And nothing else.

Oh, God.

Jesus, no wonder she topped herself.

Maybe it poisoned her.

How much? Five pounds. Or Bitcoin.

Ten!

Oh, Christ, not another one. That's a
third one. Today, people, they're dying

like flies in here. Yes, excuse me. I'd
better go and check if they need me.

Oh, well, that's fuck all you can do.

They never make it. OK, give me a
milligram of adrenaline.

Okay. Let's go again at 360.

Yes!

Very clever.

One of the classic pork rind scams. The
old dead ground perfume recycle.

Fuck, what the hell are you doing around
here? What's your branding? Calvin Coe?

None of your business.

Ooh, Flanel.

Classic.

Feel for coming.

This way.

You going to tell someone?

Me? Course not.

Your business is your business, Franny.
I was just admiring your initiative.

Right.

We're going to have to put the past
behind us if we're going to work

That is never going to happen. You
betrayed me, remember?

Me? No, Frankie. You got that wrong.

I never say never.

Hi.

Hmm.

This is what I think it is. Number one,
nobody wants to inherit second -hand

dust from stiff pensioners. Number two,
recycling is saving the planet for our

children's children. And number three,
isn't it your Lucy's birthday soon?

You think I'm going to insult her by
buying her a bottle of flannel?

Five quid a bottle.

OK, wow.

It doesn't matter anyway.

I could buy her all of the dead grand
perfume in Christendom. It wouldn't

matter.

She's getting married.

She's getting married, Frankie.

Her doctor Mackenzie.

Cool. He's pretty fit.

Rich. Good choice. No, no, no.

Do you not see this is a disaster?

I love her, Frankie.

I love a tinkling laugh like wind chimes
on a zephyr. Let me finish.

Like a button nose?

Like, um, the buttons on a child's
winter coat.

The way she never seems to be paying
even the slightest bit of attention to

even when you're talking directly at
her.

Oh.

I don't want her to marry him.

What do I do?

What do you do?

Nothing. You leave her alone and let her
be happy.

But I do want to do something.

All right.

Are you following me?

Voila! New squad member.

What? Instead of that mental old German.

Ah, ah, ah, not my idea, Francesca. I
was doing very nicely on the Alzheimer's

ward until the Bison transferred me. I
just hope they don't forget me.

Nothing.

Oh, Jesus.

Sorry, what's going on, Wes Tillman?

Arriva Dirt, she's Scarford. Slang his
hook.

Well, he didn't say anything.

Is that still here? I bet you murdered
him.

There's no note.

Don't worry, Simon.

I have not been murdered.

But I'm old and still have much to learn
about life. And that's why I have

decided to visit my old friend, the
Dalai Lama.

Good day, sir. I will miss you all.
Remember, stay cool, love each other,

not eat the sauerkraut. I have left in
the fridge. Fuck.

Here.

And you're replacing him.

Oh, she catches on quick, doesn't she?

Anthony Delamere.

Means of the sea.

Navy family, probably. Or just fish
fuckers. Who knows? We don't need your

What can I say, Franny?

Porters move in threes. First rule of
portering. Tis the law.

Now that the Herman's gone blitzkrieg,
you've got yours truly.

OK, where's the kettle? It's over there.

There's a microwave as well, if you want
to use the microwave. There's one.

I hate him. All right, mate. You hated
me when we first met. Didn't even look

us.

We've always been rivals.

Ever since the first day at the Academy.

You were Maverick. He was Iron Man.

Borders, you are the elite.

The best of the best.

That's why you're here.

And I'm here to make you better than the
best.

I'm here to make you the bestest.

And I was goose.

Fuck yes.

Is there a Porter's Academy?

No, there isn't a fucking Porter's
Academy.

Just keep him away from me.

So, why does Frankie hate you?

Hate's a very strong word, Si.

Yeah, I know.

She's really good at it. She's like the
Roger Federer of hate.

Yeah, well, we've got history.

I mean... You're a bitch now, right? I
wouldn't say that.

Mainly because it's very offensive, but
also because it's untrue. See, she was

once you, and I was once her.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Not really.

I was her mentor.

Took all the scams, all the dodges.

She was a quick learner, I can tell you.

Even came up with a few of her own.

Then she turned against me.

Why?

You know, she's still alive.

Pure Freud, isn't it?

The child wants to kill the father and
sleep with the mother.

I'm very keen on the old psychology,
sir.

Tells you all you need to know about the
world.

Extremely powerful tool. It's all about
exploiting human frailty for your own

advantage.

Step into my office.

The doctor.

He's in.

So why am I listening to this?

Because I know women, Simon.

Akin the ways, laddie.

Also, I dated an old saint.

Wow. Which one?

It was a long one. It was a long time
ago.

But we need to be talking about you.

I see the problem.

Unrequited love. A marriage of
convenience driven by status and power.

Do you read much, Austin? No, I'm more
of a Twilight boy myself.

Fascinating stuff.

Lucy's your Mr. Darcy.

Or is it Emma? Anyway, you need to tell
her directly.

That I love her? Yeah, tell her that you
love her. What's the worst that could

happen? Oh, well, you know, she laughs
in your face, tells all her friends on

social media, you become a figure of fun
in the hospital and the wider area,

possibly globally if the thing goes
viral. You could even become a meme.

Hashtag epic foul. I mean, is that so
bad? That's really bad. Possibly, yeah.

But if that happens, and I stress the
if, you do what I do.

You style it out.

Style it out. Style it out big time.

Balls like fucking coal.

Yes. Yes. No.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes.

So the thing is that I'm trying to say.
I'm sorry, Simon. I'm just a little

busy. You just need a two -section. You
just done a couple of sections.

Sorry. Cheers.

So, um, I really, really.

Should have told you this a long time
ago.

It's stupid of me not to have said
anything. It's idiot,

idiot.

Silly, stupid, idiot.

Stupid, idiot.

You're an idiot, mate.

Oh, mate. Oh, right.

No.

Stupid, idiot.

You can't stop me.

Right, OK.

No, I... The lady is in the building.

No, I just... You don't... Yeah,

Simon, sorry.

I'm actually very busy. Of course you
are. Sorry, I just got run away. Yeah.

I guess what I want to say is I
genuinely, really and truly am

madly in love... Lucy!

Flowers. For you. For no reason except
that I love you.

Cunt. Sorry?

Kind.

Kind. Kind.

You're kind, mine.

You're kind to buy flowers for her.

I'm sorry, Simon. You wanted to talk to
me.

No. Did I?

I don't think I did. I'm very busy. I've
got a job.

Not in a rude way. They're not paying me
to talk to you.

They're paying me to...

Scrimshaw? I only do it when I'm really
sad.

After I failed my A -levels, I made an
entire Star Trek -themed chess set out

narwhal.

Well, I'm guessing the scrimshaw tells
its own story, but I'll ask anyway.

How did it go?

She's still getting married.

I mean, her complainer is perfect.

Bullshit! Every man has a dark side.

Dr. McKenzie just hides it well.

All you need to do is expose it to the
light, Si.

Make him show his true colours.

No good.

I've been following him for a week. All
he did was he saved six people's lives.

He donated £72 to random charities,
joined, then became captain of a golf

and he's got the winning goal in a golf
ball tournament.

I'm officially giving up.

Dr McKenzie's perfect, and he deserves
Lucy, and I do not.

We need to get rid of him.

Contract killing.

I'd do anything for love, though.

I'm touching contract killing with a
fucking barge. No, not Mackenzie.

Anthony. He's bad news.

I quite like him, actually.

I think he's very genuine, very
authentic.

Yeah. I think he learned a lot in his
life on the streets. Do you know he's an

MI6? You believe that?

He knows a lot about St. Petersburg.

That's what he does.

Convincing bullshit. He makes you trust
him, and then, boom, he pulls the rug

out. He is a weasel.

There we go.

Thank you very much. Here.

You got yourself a bargain there.

Ooh.

Right, before you kick off big style,
I'll give you one word, Frankie.

Free market.

This is my word.

Competition drives down prices, benefits
the consumer and forces up quality.

Unless you want to return to the Soviet
system.

And we all know how that turned out.

Beep, beep.

Love.

Love is a dog.

Love is a big old lost dog.

I wish I was a boat and I'd be on my
own.

Oh, love is a dog.

One day his garb will slip and you will
have him.

And you will have him.

And you will have him.

Every man has a dark side.

All you need to do is expose it to the
light, Si.

Look, Mackenzie, you were right.

Men are dogs, Si.

And like dogs, you will inevitably find
them humping something they shouldn't.

Have you told Lucy yet? No. Should I
show her these? Well, what choice do you

have, Si?

Yeah. If you really are her friend,
unless you want her heart to break.

You're right.

It's the only way. Tough love, Si.

Thanks, Anthony. No problemo, my friend.
Glad I got out with Brother Porter in

need.

OK. I should go and save Lucy.

Godspeed.

Or should I? See justice done. Yes.

Check the timestamp.

All taken yesterday.

Genuine bona fide.

No fake news here.

Erm... It's just genuine heartbreaking.

Real news.

Thank you, Simon.

You really are a very good friend.

I know.

Can I get a dinner?

You lied to me! Lucy, it's not true. You
are the only one that I care about.

Liar!

What? Lucy!

You bastard!

You're cutting me in.

60 -40.

Turnover? 500 a week, depending on
baseline mortality rates. We can double

cash flow during flu season.

That's a sweet deal.

Why? Why compete when you can have a
monopoly?

Prices fix exactly where we want them.

Oh, that makes sense.

Although, to be honest, I thought you'd
have a little more fight in you.

You're right, it's not just that.

Simon told me that I should give you a
chance.

For some reason, he seems to like you.
People are drawn to me. I'm a magnet.

So, are we in?

Bygones. 60 -40.

So now what?

Dr Bartholomew is a junior partner.

That is her do -not -resuscitate list.

Can I interest you in some over

-the -mare?

I've had my eye on him for a very long
time.

I'm just a concerned citizen who thinks
it should be stopped.

Hmm.

OK, power to go to 360.

Anyone call for a porter?

Oh, shit. Classic setup.

Clever girl.

Do not resist.

All right. I repeat, do not resist.

Fair cop.

Why won't they ever listen?

Simon.

Hey.

Everything alright?

She dumped me.

Fucking women.

Oh, I don't think that's quite fair. I
mean, they're crazy.

You're best off out of it. Makes me wish
I was a celibate like you. I'm not a

celibate, I'm just going through a rough
patch.

Anyway, little Birdie's told me that
someone not a million miles away from

has been telling little porcupines that
maybe these crocodile tears can pack it

in.

What do you mean?

You were spotted with another woman
canoodling. What?

That's bullshit.

What did she look like? Brown hair,
attractive, mole on the right cheek, but

no means disfiguring.

So I'm told.

Where was Liv?

I was by the incinerator.

According to the person who saw you.

Look, that was my sister.

I was asking her if she would be my best
man.

I mean, I wasn't sure at first because
she's just come out of rehab and then

got emotional.

She was your sister?

It's ruined.

My wedding.

Her recovery.

Oh, shit.

Yeah. I love Lucy.

Oh.

It's all gone wrong, Frankie.

Everything's tillman left.

I've ruined Mackenzie's life. I've
ruined Lucy's life.

You got Anthony fired.

He had it coming. An eye for an eye.
Well, that's the first rule of

First off, you stole that from the
Bible, and it's not even in their top

Secondly, what happened to it?

Maybe you're wising up.

Let it just be true.

Just tell me.

He'll know what to do. Like everyone can
help me.

Oh, laugh it up.

One of us is going to have to fix this,
and it looks like it's going to be me,

doesn't it?

Lange Keime.

Lange Keime.

Lange Keime.

I'm looking for Tilman.

Tilman busy.

You got me.

Sorry, are you actually the Dalai Lama?

You coming or what?

You destroyed Mackenzie's marriage to
Lucy.

We know about that. I know about
everybody's stuff, buddy. I'm

Oh, I think you mean omniscient.

Yeah, maybe.

How's your Tibetan, smart guy?

I can only give vague advice, yeah?
Sure.

In this life, there is no winning or
losing.

with only truth and lies.

Everyone must choose their own path
freely.

Okay, Teddy, what club?

Nine? I mean, I'm no expert, but maybe
an eight, you know, one more for the

headwind. Nine.

Okay.

Oh, Christ.

Tillman?

You're back.

Life is gone.

Golf is life.

Oh, is this a helpful story?

Okay.

Love is a precious flower, sir.

You think I should get them back
together?

Yeah.

Really, who is it?

It's Crack Addict Sister.

It's completely innocent.

The whole thing was a misunderstanding.

No.

See, I think you're a very sweet man.

He just wants me to be happy.

In fact, you want it so much that you'd
make up a crazy story about a sexy crack

addict sister just to make me feel
better. Am I right?

Actually, no.

Oh, Theo, I think they'll hear.

Come on.

I believe in miracles!

So how many kids were involved in this
assault?

There's like 20 of them. There's 30 of
them. There's a class. There's a whole

class. And there's some French exchange
students.

They had to flick knives and bangers.

Lucy beat him up, Dr. Bartholomew. Oh,
thank you. Yeah.

True. And maybe I deserved it as well.

But in a way, don't we all deserve to
get beaten up sometimes?

Look, I have been working since 6 o
'clock last night. I am too tired for

man tears, therefore I'm leaving before
you start getting too emotional.

Oh, and Frankie read three from my list.

Do -do, do -do, do -do -do.

Maybe I shouldn't have listened to
Anthony's advice, eh?

Oh, well, he's gone now. Left the
hospital, sort of.

Frankie? Well, I... Security must have
busted him first.

You know why I tasered you?

Anthony Dillamare.

ID badge 358766.

I like people who resist me.

Put my hands up. It means they need to
be overcome.

And I always overcome them.

So what exactly am I supposed to do? You
have to tell the truth. The Dalai Lama

was very clear on that. He was quite
clear on that. He played some golf and

he went weird.

Can I be honest, Alice?

I've always had a thing for powerful
women.

Is that right?

I'd like to sing you a song.

It's a folk ballad.

It's Russian.

Better call him... We

could just let him rot in hell. Or

I could tell Bison that you were his
partner in crime and how reasonable she

Oh, come on. Yes.

Why won't they ever listen?

Keep walking.

Don't look back. What the hell?

Simon.

Walk with me.

True love can be a fickle mistress, Mr.
Porter.

And yet, I still forgive you.

Which makes me what?

A fool.

A victim of her own naivete. If you are
a fool, Miss Nurse, then I am a knave

indeed.

Thank you.

Then I suppose our love is the truest of
all loves.

Love between two good friends.

In there, an inkling of blowjob or
protage.

Excuse me?

See, despite all the misunderstanding, I
really think that you and I share a

real connection at an emotional level.

Don't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Okay, great. Which is why I want to try
and leave all of that behind us. That we

carry on being best friends and just
talk and hang out and connect, you know?

Really?

No, no.

But Dr. McKenzie and I have decided to
wait. I mean, we're both too young and

beautiful to get married now.

I mean, I only ever have to see him at
work.

I wouldn't want to have sex.

Slashing.

No, I'm touched, honestly.

A rescue attempt always does wonders for
self -esteem.

But we Dillamers, we take care of
ourselves.

Where did you learn to sing in Russian?

I need to know, isn't it?

Can I just say, you know, how pleased I
am that this all worked out so well.

I think if we work hard at getting
along, you know, we might be like a real

family.

Here, here.

Oh, yeah, right.

There are the laws of man and the laws
of the jungle.

Funny how a lion never needs a lawyer.

Soot is up next.