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1
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,199
The pillows here are great.
2
00:00:11,219 --> 00:00:12,951
I know. I looked them up,
3
00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:16,162
and they're a blend
of memory foam and microfiber.
4
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:19,207
Those pillows?
Yeah. I really like the pillows too.
5
00:00:19,227 --> 00:00:21,167
I slept good.
6
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,627
Yeah, I slept very well.
7
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I slept like a homo.
8
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:29,212
You know, I think I'm gonna get
that chicken parm tonight. Mmm-hmm.
9
00:00:29,904 --> 00:00:32,006
I'm sorry, Barry. What did you just say?
10
00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:34,848
Uh, chicken parm. Chicken Parmesan. Hmm.
11
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,095
Yeah, it's an Italian dish.
12
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,310
You slept like what?
13
00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:40,395
Oh, like a homo.
14
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,142
Yeah, it's just an expression.
15
00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:44,310
No, it isn't.
16
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And it's offensive.
17
00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:48,361
It's just something that people say,
18
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:51,990
you know, like "It takes two to tango"
or "It's raining cats and dogs."
19
00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:54,951
Oh. "He runs like a deer,"
because he's really fast. Yeah.
20
00:00:54,971 --> 00:00:56,286
Those are called idioms.
21
00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,741
And that's not like
anything you just said.
22
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,326
Yeah, it is.
23
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,962
You know what? My cousin,
he went parasailing once,
24
00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:08,048
and he said that if you...
25
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,425
...have to go to the bathroom up there,
you just go.
26
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:12,635
They don't care.
Because you can't come down.
27
00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:14,596
It'd make a weird rainbow.
28
00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:15,930
You wouldn't be able to see it.
29
00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:17,807
All right, everybody, let's get started.
30
00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:21,227
We got a really productive
and fun-filled weekend ahead of us here.
31
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:24,439
I got a close-up magician coming in.
Guy I met on a plane.
32
00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:26,775
He's gonna have some tricks
just blow your mind.
33
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,276
But before we get started,
34
00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:32,775
I unfortunately have some upsetting news.
35
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Barry.
36
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:38,119
I hate to do this in front of everybody,
37
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:42,035
but it came to my attention
that you said something that was
38
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,751
wildly inappropriate and offensive,
39
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,789
and we need to send you home.
40
00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:49,667
What? What happened?
41
00:01:50,693 --> 00:01:52,634
He said he slept like a homo.
42
00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:54,969
- Homo?
- Yeah, I slept like a homo.
43
00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:57,508
- Barry!
- Sorry, homosexual.
44
00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,975
I just said something that,
you know, it's factually correct.
45
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:03,686
- True.
- Barry. That's not a phrase you can say.
46
00:02:03,706 --> 00:02:08,228
Well, but it's true. You know, I was just
really tired and I just slept that way.
47
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:11,898
But it doesn't make any sense.
48
00:02:14,008 --> 00:02:15,735
Okay, well, just think about it.
49
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:19,405
You know, it's physically exhausting,
50
00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:23,034
pounding or getting pounded in your anus.
51
00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:25,959
That wears you out
way more than vaginal sex.
52
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:29,254
- Barry--
- It's true! There's no doubt about it.
53
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:30,505
Imagine.
54
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:33,842
You're getting plumbobbed,
real deep and hard.
55
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:37,262
When your partner is about ready
to pull out, it might hurt a lot.
56
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,884
So you've got
all this anxiety building up.
57
00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:45,228
And then the relief
after they come out of you?
58
00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:48,648
Oh, that release of stress,
59
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:51,276
that makes you tired, man.
60
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:54,654
That's exhausting. That's all I'm saying.
61
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:58,152
Last night, I just got
that real good, deep sleep.
62
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:00,321
Like a gay guy.
63
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,283
Barry...
64
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,535
just go home.
65
00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,254
Wait.
66
00:03:18,948 --> 00:03:20,758
I can't let you fire him, Dave.
67
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:22,260
Why?
68
00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:24,887
Because he's right.
69
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,766
And how would you know that, Phil?
70
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:30,977
Because I'm gay.
71
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,693
No way.
72
00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:36,941
I am. And every single thing
that Barry said is true.
73
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,283
I wondered why you were
uninterested in us.
74
00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:44,073
Well, it's really your personality, Mary,
but yeah, I'm gay.
75
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:48,411
Hey, that anal stuff,
was he making that up?
76
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,294
No, Butch. The anal stuff's all true.
77
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:52,462
No shit.
78
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,208
It is so tiring.
79
00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:55,924
Believe me.
80
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:58,296
And you do sleep way better after.
81
00:04:00,114 --> 00:04:01,716
I've missed work from doing it.
82
00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:05,225
You weren't sick last week.
83
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,637
No, I went to the RNC.
84
00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:09,562
Anal sex doesn't make me tired.
85
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:11,564
- Was it gay anal?
- No.
86
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:12,852
There you go.
87
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:14,859
Oh.
88
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:18,404
Hmm. Phil makes some important
points there, right?
89
00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:21,449
I mean, I certainly didn't know
that was a true statement.
90
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:22,528
It is.
91
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:26,491
In fact, it might be
the truest statement I've ever heard.
92
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:38,299
Certainly feel like I got my exercise
jumping to conclusions today.
93
00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:41,261
But, you know,
we all learned something today.
94
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:44,092
And that's why we
do these retreats, right?
95
00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:45,885
Barry?
96
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:49,138
Please, sit back down.
97
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:54,519
Yeah.
98
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,069
I'm sorry, Barry. I was wrong.
99
00:04:58,089 --> 00:04:59,237
Oh, it's fine.
100
00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:02,198
May all of us sleep like a homo tonight.
101
00:05:02,218 --> 00:05:04,367
- Yeah.
- He knows!
102
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:05,405
Hear, hear!
103
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:06,786
I do.
104
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,825
Hear, hear!
105
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:12,078
I'm glad we're past that.
Because I have to shit like a Jew.
106
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:14,997
You're a fucking terrible person.
107
00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:24,846
Health. There are so many things
you have to do to master it.
108
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,217
Some people eat right.
109
00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:28,886
Some people do yoga.
110
00:05:29,620 --> 00:05:32,645
And for some people,
the only way they can function
111
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:36,733
is to experience the nonstop laughter
with millions of fans,
112
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:40,064
knowing it could all go away
at any moment.
113
00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:47,572
Tom?
114
00:05:48,389 --> 00:05:49,574
Tom?
115
00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,995
- Oh, my God.
- He's got a gun?
116
00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:55,501
He's got a gun!
117
00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:58,338
Oh, my God.
118
00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,630
Hold on...
119
00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:00,798
No, no, no, no!
120
00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:02,712
- Tom.
- Put the gun down.
121
00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,923
Tom, don't do it!
122
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:10,761
Hello?
123
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,347
My show got renewed.
124
00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:17,732
We each approach being healthy
in unique ways.
125
00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:21,939
But some of us are given genetic gifts
the rest of us could only dream about.
126
00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,358
But what if you could have it all?
127
00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:29,906
Heart muscle can become excessively thick.
128
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:32,080
Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
129
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:35,416
can lead to some
very serious complications
130
00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:38,544
like atrial fibrillation, which is...
131
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,833
- Start your fitness journey today.
- Hold on.
132
00:06:42,276 --> 00:06:46,427
I, um... Uh, I was gonna try to join a gym.
133
00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:49,305
Show us your abs.
134
00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:50,932
You're all dismissed.
135
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:53,012
You guys have a good week, okay?
136
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,556
It's gonna take more than a gym.
137
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,934
Okay, great. Thank you very much.
138
00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:10,279
End of the night, there were
15 people in the hot tub.
139
00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:13,074
Anyway... Hey, can I help you?
140
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:14,992
This is the gym?
141
00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:20,711
Sorry. I went on the website
just filling out a thing.
142
00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:21,712
Mr. Hale.
143
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:24,006
- Yes?
- I got you down for a 3:15 tour.
144
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:25,675
This is our membership pamphlet.
145
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:29,011
It's got all the rules, regulations.
You're gonna wanna read that.
146
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:31,180
- Okay?
- Yeah. I just...
147
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,891
always find a way
to talk myself out of these things.
148
00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:35,685
Well, not today, my friend.
149
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:37,854
Listen, let's get your signature on that.
150
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,314
It's a one-year commitment,
but try not to think of it
151
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:43,192
as a commitment to a gym,
but a commitment to yourself.
152
00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:44,480
You know what I mean?
153
00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:52,154
Bro.
154
00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:54,740
- Hmm?
- You good?
155
00:07:56,392 --> 00:07:58,244
Yeah. Yes.
156
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,210
All right. Welcome to the party.
157
00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:03,332
Get you your pre-workout shot.
158
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,673
Oh, I'm good.
159
00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:07,420
Take the shot.
160
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,881
Grip and dip it.
161
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:15,475
Mmm-mmm-mmm. All right.
162
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,096
Day one of the new you.
163
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:22,143
You've got your rowers, runners, ergs.
You got your assault bikes.
164
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:23,858
One more, Eduardo.
165
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:25,526
I'm just fucking with you, man.
166
00:08:25,546 --> 00:08:26,939
We got new high bars.
167
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:29,363
Yeah, great form, man. Keep it up.
168
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:31,365
And this is the locker room.
169
00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:33,284
Just take any one that's free.
170
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:34,285
Okay, cool.
171
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,870
So how did you hear about us?
172
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:38,289
I was actually on a Reddit thread and...
173
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:40,202
- What's up, man?
- Good to see you.
174
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,873
People were, uh...
175
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:47,340
They were raving about it.
176
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,091
Yeah, our fans, they go hard.
177
00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,796
Yeah. It...
178
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,845
Yeah. He's a good guy.
179
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:54,096
Well, showers through there.
180
00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:56,682
You got any questions, I'll be out front.
You're gonna love it.
181
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:57,934
Let's get hardcore.
182
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,221
Let's do it.
183
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,345
Here, here. I got you, bro.
184
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:41,931
Dude, what the fuck?
185
00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:44,272
I was good.
186
00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:45,690
I was just trying to help.
187
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,525
That's a weird, weird way you help.
188
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:48,818
- Weird?
- Yeah.
189
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,736
You didn't think that was weird?
190
00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:52,900
- I'm sorry.
- Everything good, bro?
191
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:55,569
You know...
192
00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:58,906
I just... I don't think I fit in here, okay?
193
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:05,329
You guys do your own... whatever that was.
194
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:18,050
What the fuck?
195
00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:21,470
Nice hammer!
196
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:23,305
- Thanks.
- First day?
197
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,563
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
198
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,351
First day is the craziest.
199
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:29,900
How?
200
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,691
Well, either your dad's Secretariat
or you took something.
201
00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:36,026
The shot.
202
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:39,660
- What was that?
- Yeah. I don't know.
203
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,073
But it does that.
204
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:51,125
Dude! Welcome back.
205
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:03,596
What's up, Chief?
206
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:19,737
Oh, my God.
207
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:21,864
My man.
208
00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:27,661
And in the words of the great Jonas Salk,
209
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:33,501
"The reward for work well done
is the opportunity to do more."
210
00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:39,548
Yes! Yes!
211
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,719
Whoa. You satisfy me in every way.
212
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:48,891
Ah!
213
00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:54,985
Oh!
214
00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:58,322
Oh, yes! Yes! Ow! Ow!
215
00:11:58,342 --> 00:11:59,990
- Stop.
- Wha... Wha...
216
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:01,450
- What happened?
- Oh!
217
00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,661
I guess my eyes were bigger than my pussy.
218
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:06,622
Fucking dickzilla
trying to split me in half.
219
00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:07,827
No, thanks.
220
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:28,185
In all my years of teaching,
221
00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:32,356
I've never had a less impressive
group of students.
222
00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:36,193
It's not like you're gonna
end up being doctors, you know?
223
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:38,446
- You're just gonna end up--
- Come on.
224
00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:41,819
Wait, I'm teaching a class.
These are my students.
225
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:47,241
Hey, what's up, Chief?
226
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,250
Hey, what's up, man?
227
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:41,717
Look at this shit.
228
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,547
Oh, is it too much?
229
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:46,467
I'd say so!
230
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:48,552
Well, you kept taking the shots.
231
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,643
I thought I was supposed to.
232
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,145
- You read the pamphlet.
- Pamphlet?
233
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:55,976
Yeah. Day One pamphlet.
Explains what can happen.
234
00:13:56,544 --> 00:14:00,277
You don't think maybe this deserves
more than a pamphlet?
235
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:01,862
We can fix it. We can fix it.
236
00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:03,901
All right? Just calm down.
237
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,112
You go to the back hallway.
238
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:10,037
There's a door marked "Staff." Okay?
239
00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:11,575
They can help you.
240
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:14,912
Best of luck.
241
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,404
They said you could fix this.
242
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:57,788
Very funny.
243
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,457
Oh, you're not gonna laugh.
244
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:02,715
You want me to hack my dick off?
245
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,254
No. You want to hack your dick off.
246
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,720
I'm giving you the tool to do it.
247
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,425
What kind of solution is that?
248
00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:12,261
How many shots did you take?
249
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,515
- Maybe 20.
- God damn!
250
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:21,066
You took maybe 20 shots
to make your wee-wee grow,
251
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:23,313
and now it's too much,
so you want it to go away.
252
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,988
How do you think that happens, mmm?
253
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:29,199
Does it, you know, look normal after that?
254
00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:32,202
Hell no! Looks like
somebody hacked your dick off.
255
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:33,621
Then I don't wanna do it.
256
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:35,034
Okay.
257
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,789
Wait, wait.
258
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,875
Have other people done it?
259
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,175
There's so many dicks.
260
00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,308
Do it, man.
261
00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:12,488
Do it now.
262
00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:16,622
Do it. Come on.
263
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,368
What are you waiting for?
264
00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:20,329
Cut it off.
265
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:36,225
Talk myself out of these things.
266
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:39,645
Talk myself out of these things.
Talk myself out of these things.
267
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:42,351
Always find a way to talk myself
out of these things.
268
00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:48,690
Bro.
269
00:16:49,591 --> 00:16:50,692
Huh?
270
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:52,861
You good?
271
00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:56,865
Fuck yes, dude!
272
00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,159
All right.
273
00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:03,585
Ah, thirsty boy.
274
00:17:03,605 --> 00:17:06,583
Mmm-hmm. Let's get this shit started.
19188
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