Original subtitles

JUDGE McBRIDE

Nelson Dorkoff, you are charged with the crime of murder

in the first degree.

How do you plead?

One hundred percent, without a doubt, not guilty, Your Honor!

Order! Order!

♪Where the bears are, We wanna be♪

SEASON 6 EPISODE 1 BAD NEWS BEARS

TWO DAYS BEFORE THE MURDER

Sorry I'm late. I had to clean out.

I mean, "clean up."

Jeremy?

Did you miss me, Reggie-Reg?

Face-to-face with a deranged serial killer.

How did you ever handle such a difficulty situation, Reggie?

Well, I've had a lot of practice sitting here next to you

for the last three months, Cyril.

Ever since the Inquisitive Channel's

inexplicable decision to make you my Murder Time cohost.

FYI, your numbers are up 40 percent

since they brought me on.

I guess serial killers translate into "killer" ratings.

Yes. Well, be that as it may,

you cannot imagine the shock

of seeing Jeremy Richards after all these years...

The man who was so determined to make me his next victim,

the man we all thought

had perished that day in the mountains of Big Bear.

The last thing on my mind

was running into him at a cruisy park

in the heart of Mexico four years later.

And I can't wait to see what happened in our reenactment.

Right after we take this brief commercial break.

Back in 90 seconds.

Okay.

Todd, where are you going? The show's not over yet.

Come on, man. We know this story.

You've only told us like 50 times.

I am proud of my bravery, Todd.

I stared death in the face, and I won!

What would you know about that?

I do it every day.

Speaking of which, I need to get to work,

while I still have a job.

Hey, hey, wait a minute. What's that supposed to mean?

Ever since Gavin Kelly left the agency,

the new boss has been talking about "restructuring."

And, you know, as the last guy hired,

I'm likely to be the first one fired.

Well, wait a minute. They can't get rid of you.

You're a superstar at that agency!

Without you, our whole national security would be at risk!

You know, our enemies would test us, our allies would retreat.

It'd be almost like the whole world

was on the brink of collapse!

And hasn't that already happened

since the last election?

Anyway, I appreciate the faith you're putting in me,

but just... I want you to be prepared in case I get canned.

Well, don't worry, if you do lose your job,

I'm still making plenty of money on Law and Order: MRU .

We just found out that we got an early pickup for another season,

and my agent thinks they're

going to bring me back for nine episodes.

Hey, guys! Does this cock ring make my nuts look bigger?

W-What are you doing? Put some clothes on! God!

I'm practicing my stroking technique for a porn audition.

What porn audition? You haven't starred in a film since 1998.

Yeah, I didn't want to brag,

but I got asked to audition for the same director

who did Butt Pirates of the Caribbean:

Hard Dicks Tell Many Tales.

Oh, my dick actually has a nickname...

I don't know if you know this: "Beer Can Bob."

Are you sure it shouldn't be "Footlong Frank?"

Because, Jesus Christ, Wood!

How have I never seen his dick?

"Well, hello there, Nelson!

My name's Bob. How are you?"

Quit waving that in my face, Wood!

Hey, Todd. Will you give me a ride to my audition?

I just need to throw some shorts on.

Hmm? Yeah, whatever.

Just hurry up! I can't be late for work today.

Okay. Hey, wish me luck, guys.

Wood Burns: Gay Porn Star is back, bitches.

The show's back on.

HELLO, POLICE?

I NEED YOUR HELP IMMEDIATELY!

Reggie, you never cease to amaze me.

Hey! You know what amazes me, guys?

- Lightning. - Shut up, Wood!

I am so glad you're okay!

I had no idea you knew karate moves!

You're so brave!

Thanks, guys.

I cleaned out for nothing.

So, what did you think?

"I'm so glad you're okay!

I had no idea you knew karate moves!"

I don't sound like that!

And that guy doesn't look anything like me.

Well, don't blame me, Nelson.

I submitted your acting reel to the casting director.

He just didn't feel you were convincing enough for the part.

Not convincing enough? To play myself?

Give me a break!

That kid who's playing you is probably 20 years old

and with a full head of hair.

How is that convincing enough?

I thought the actors playing both of us were spot on.

What did you think, Todd?

Come on, Reggie, Nelson isn't nearly that effeminate...

Yeah, see.

...most of the time.

Wood, come on, it's time to go!

Let's go!

Wood, thank you so much for coming in.

I'm sorry we couldn't make you an offer,

but the investor's insisting that we see tapes on everyone.

Not a problem, Billy.

I'm a team player.

Hey, big fan, by the way!

I must have jacked off seven times to that sci-fi movie

where you get topped by Darth Invader.

Thanks.

I won best bottom in a submissive role

at the Golden Dickie Awards for that one.

Well deserved, sir. Well deserved.

Okay, great.

Are there any questions before we begin?

I think I got this, Billy.

I've been doing it a while.

Great.

Ready and action.

Dad, why can't you just accept me for who I am?

'Cause you've been a bad boy!

And Daddy's gonna show you just how bad you've been!

Get over here! Spank this babe!

- Wait! - Spank this bad boy!

Wood, did you read the script?

No, I never read the script.

But it's playing a daddy, right?

I've played plenty of those, trust me.

I think I know what you want.

On your knees, Goldilocks!

Papa Bear wants to squirt his porridge all over your face!

Wood, Wood!

I-I think there's some confusion here.

You're not playing his "daddy,"

you're playing his actual father.

This is the opening scene

where you kick your son out of the house

for being gay, and force him to move to Vegas

to become a paid escort for a secret society

of homosexual high rollers.

Yeah.

So when do I get naked and have sex with someone?

What?

Are you kidding?

I can't...

You're killing me. You're killing me!

You're serious?

This particular role

doesn't have nudity or penetration.

It's a quick, fully-clothed,

blink-and-you'll-be-missed cameo appearance.

But you look great!

So, can I see a script?

INTERNATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY

DIRECTOR FLYNN

Director Flynn,

Nelson and I are really looking forward to having you

and your wife over for dinner tomorrow night.

I hope this isn't some kind of lame bribe, Stevens.

You serving me my favorite dinner,

so I'm less inclined to cut your position?

Of course not! I would never be so obvious as to serve you...

Beef Wellington.

4 DINNER TOMORROW... BEEF WELLINGTON

And my wife loves a good French apple tart.

AND FRENCH APPLE TART. THX!

Well, I have no idea what menu Nelson is preparing

so it'll be a surprise to both of us.

Relax, Stevens, take it easy.

You'll still be here after the re-org.

You've done a bang up job this past year.

We're actually eyeballing you for a promotion.

Really, a promo--? Thank you.

I can't thank you enough for all your support.

But nothing in life is a free ride.

We haven't made any final decisions yet...

but, uh, just know that there's some competition for the job.

- Okay. - Ah, speak of the devil.

Todd Stevens, Heath Long.

- Nice to meet you. - Uh, you, too.

You look awfully familiar...

Heath got arrested running

an illegal passport scam out of an assisted living home.

We were impressed by his skills and creativity

so we offered him a choice.

Ten years in the federal pen or come work for us.

Yep. It's all coming back to me now.

You have a thing for, uh, older women.

That was just straight for pay.

It's actually older men who get my motor running.

Vroom, vroom.

I'm not that much older than you.

He only finished training a few months ago,

and he's already proven to be a valuable asset.

It's an honor meeting a seasoned veteran

who's been around for as long as you have.

Seriously? I'm like 32.

I don't have your vast years of experience,

but Nick here thinks I'll bring some youthful vigor

to this place and clear out the cobwebs.

His words, not mine.

- I did say those... - Okay.

...exact words.

He's got a good memory.

See how good he is for the ISA?

- Toby. - Hey, what's up, Nels?

Hey, you need to quit tweeting mean things about me!

What? I'm just doing what the network asked.

They want us to help raise social media awareness

in order to help promote the show.

Oh, "promote the show," really?

"Nelson Dorkoff is a weird paradox.

Huge dick with a small penis!"

How does that help promote the show, Toby?

Yeah, how about 12,000 re-tweets

in less than an hour, bitch?

What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?

Because you're so fucking delusional

to even think you're an actor,

which I consider a personal insult

and a crime against humanity.

And I'm not the only one.

You should see what your co-stars Teri Hatcher

and John Stamos are saying about you.

Yeah you're way out of your league, Nelson.

Yeah, and you know what you are?

You're an overrated has-been guest star

who's finally going to be killed off tomorrow!

Really? I wouldn't be too sure about that.

Unbelievable.

Oh, Alan, Alan. Come here.

Alan, okay, please God tell me you did not rewrite the scene

where I shoot Toby Marsden's character

after I find out that he raped the entire football team.

Look, I've rewritten it five times already,

and I'm drowning in network notes.

They can't seem to make up their minds about what they want.

That's all.

But this is the only thing

that's getting me through the last few weeks

is knowing that tomorrow is that asshole Toby Marsden's last

day on set!

Oh, there's Scott from the network.

I should go talk to him.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

- Why not? - He doesn't like you either.

They think you're trying to steal focus from Teri and John.

Oh, terrific.

What? What? Give me that.

"Nelson Dorkoff's face looks like a scrotum."

Oh, God. I will kill that fucker!

♪Where the bears are We wanna be♪

♪Where the bears are Where the bears are♪