All language subtitles for Veep.S07E05.720p.WEB.H264-MEMENTO[eztv]

Andrew, how much money
did you steal?

Technically, it was you that
stole the money from the fund,

because I signed your name
on some documents.

Oh my God.

Mayor Splett, how does it feel
to be the hero of 7-Eleven?

Oh, I'm no hero.
I'm just a mayor.

I happen to consult for a number
of very large clients in Asia,

and they were very, very
impressed and delighted

-by your sermon.
-(SELINA MEYER CHUCKLES)

Ma'am, you wanna see this.

REPORTER:
Poll watchers are reporting

that over 48,000 black voters
were turned away.

I think the Chinese
just delivered.

Oh, uh, I need an itinerary.

Itineraries are only for
people who work on the campaign.

Wait, I'm fired?

I believe her words were,

"If I need another
Washington douche,

I'll go to
the M Street Rite-Aid."

The latest
Super Tuesdays polls are in.

- Oh.
- You're up three in Texas.

- Eight in North Carolina.
- Ooh!

- Up two in Massachusetts.
- Nice!

Then we fly back
to Virginia tonight,

pop into Alabama on the way,

and then a quick stop
in Oklahoma City

for an hour-and-a-half rally.

That's an hour and 29 minutes
too long

in that former Indian
concentration camp.

Ben: Looks like Kemi's
got full protection
from the Secret Service.

What kind of affirmative action
bullshit is that?

Here's your speech, ma'am.
I dumbed it down even more.

Good, 'cause the last one
looked like the toilet bowl

after William F. Buckley
ate a thesaurus.

Kemi has been getting
some death threats.

Well, then we should leak
some of my death threats, OK?
I get some, don't I?

- Kent: Oh, yeah.
- Gary: So many.

Here's a couple that came in
while you were on the plane.

"I'm gonna break your fat arms
and strangle you--"

Wait. I don't have fat arms.

That's just criminally insane--
and regular insane.

- Pick another one.
A plausible one.
- Gary: Yeah.

Leon:
"Someone should put a bullet
in your shriveled old face."

No!

Just make up some death threats
that are nicer.

OK, I'll come up
with a dozen.

Wait a minute.
Before I go onstage,

where are we now?

- I wanna say the South?
- Uh-- Well...

- Gary, go find out
where we are.
- Gary: Yeah.

( music playing )

Leon:
Ma'am, there is
a small change to the speech.

We no longer use
the Rosa story.

- What are you talking about?!
It kills every time. Tears!
- I know.

Rosa was deported
this morning.

- Selina: Hi!
- They identified her
from details in your speech.

Well, that's impossible,
because I made her up.

Well, no, actually, ma'am,
there's a Rosa Sanchez
in Tennessee

who has four kids
and the exact same
dead-end jobs.

- Oh, my God, you conjured her!
- Yeah, right out of
my Stephen Glass-hole.

- Oklahoma City!
- Reporters: Madam President!

Any comment that
a federal grand jury in New York

is getting ready
to indict your husband,
Andrew Meyer?

- He's my ex-husband.
- Can you respond to a rumor

that he's hired a new legal team
and is making a deal
with prosecutors?

I can't hear you, so you're
gonna have to repeat that.

- You have to repeat it.
- That can only mean
one thing, ma'am.

Andrew's gonna
flip on you.

Goddamnit!

Tell my attorney to meet me in
the next filler state we're in.

'Cause last I heard,
you can't run for office

- and be in prison.
- Ben: Maybe in the House
you can.

Ben:
Ma'am, this Andrew thing
is everywhere.

Your unfavorables are rising
past "accidental ethnic slur"

- right into
"men's room incident."
- Oh, God.

- Selina: Catherine? OK.
- Marjorie: Oh. Shh.

This is the face
of clinical depression, ma'am.

With the hair
of a mental patient.

Oh, my kingdom
for a beret.

Listen, honey,

um, Daddy is in hiding again

and I know he calls you
to borrow money sometimes--

Fight your own battles,
Mother, OK?

I'm really struggling
right now.

Selina:
OK, you know what,

if anyone should
be depressed, it's me,

but I am stable
as fuck. ( laughs )

Yeah, you are!

Your lawyer's waiting.

Karen!

- Madam President!
- Oh, I'm glad to see you.

- You too.
- Andrew might be
cutting a deal,

which would just destroy me.

I have to stop you there,
ma'am.

Andrew has hired me
as his new attorney.

Oh-- Thank God.

So you can talk him
out of this deal, right?

But it's a very good deal.
For him.

- Karen...
- ( laughs )

you understand that...

when I am elected
president again,

I can issue Andrew
a full pardon.

- Right?
- I wish you hadn't
told me that.

And yet I'm also glad
that you did.

I might be able
to use it against you.

I wouldn't...
unless I have to.

Well, this has been a dry fuck
on a sandy beach.

It's always a pleasure
to see you as well.

Sure. OK, well, listen,

will you tell Andrew
that I'm gonna be in New York
on Friday?

So he can just
come and talk to me
directly.

I can't advise my client
to do that, but I might.

Ohh... God.

Any luck with
the human Mobius strip?

Andrew's cutting a deal.

I could go to jail.

I don't look good
in jumpsuits.

I mean, I do, but I don't.
Ya know.

- ( knock on door )
- What?

Ma'am,
we've got incoming.

I've got a buddy at WaPo
who's working on a story
about South Carolina

and possible foreign
election interference.

OK, first of all,

call it the Washington Post
like a non-asshole,

and I don't know anything
about foreign interference,

and stop staring at me
like I'm some sort of

teenage runaway that
you just strangled.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my God.
First Andrew,

and now this Washington Post
Chinese thing?

I mean, my God,

this is like having
two different Senators

with their hands up my skirt.

Which actually
happened to me once

during a Supreme Court
confirmation.

Without going into any legally
incriminating detail, ma'am,

how deep are you?

Keith Quinn is working
with the Chinese.

- Wait, so Quinn
is the in-house Chinese asset?
- Yeah.

- I thought it was Kent.
- I assumed it was you.

What's our play
moving forward here?

The Joseph Goebbels playbook.

Accuse the other side of that
which you are guilty.

Steal from the best.

You need to get rid
of that Chinese money, ma'am.

Gary?

Just book me on
the friendliest
news show possible.

Copy that. Mike it is.

OK, Gary, you need to spend
every dime in the space-based--

- Faith-based.
- Mm-hmm. On religious shit.

- ASAP.
- I don't know
how to do that.

I don't even know
how it got there.

Just give it to one of those
gay-converting Baptist colleges

to fund a statue
of a gold-plated Jesus

- fucking a triceratops.
- Wow.

Amy:
All right,
Congressman Slender Man.

Don't say his name.

Now that Florida has moved
its primary to Super Tuesday,

we are going to stay here
and focus all of our efforts.

No, I told Beth
that we could
go to Arkansas

- so she could give me
a hand job in a hot spring.
- It's my birthday.

Your particular brand
of crazy is polling very
high here in Florida,

especially with
melanoma-loving
swamp fuckers,

storm-ravaged
climate deniers,

and deadbeat dads...
and deadbeat moms.

Those are my peeps.

So we are launching

a brand-new
fundraising initiative:

Next month, donate $38

for Jonah Ryan's
38th birthday.

Thirty-eight dollars?
That's like a shitty gift

that you get from
your asshole grandmother.

If Selina Meyer did this,

she'd get, like,
a thousand dollars

because she's, like,
a thousand years old.

Selina would kill
to be 38.

She's been lying
about her age for years.

- Whatever. I'd still do her.
- I'm down to clown.

Holy shit, Bruckheimer,
when you get an abortion,

you're supposed to leave
the mangled fetus at the clinic,

not staple it to the skeleton
of a gay condor

and run it for president.

- Well, hello, darlin'.
- Hi.

What Saudi prince's
rape dungeon

did you finger-trowel
your way out of?

- Uh... Jonah's rape dungeon?
- Oh ho! In your face!

All right, anyway, I have
the pleasure of informing you,
Congressman Slender Man--

- Mm-mm.
- Amy: Nope, beat you to it.

Oh, shit. All right.

Our government
has assigned you

your very own
Secret Service detail.

- Whoa, what?
- Special Agent Youngblood!

Youngblood?
Oh, that's my favorite
Rob Lowe movie.

Congressman Ryan,
it's an honor.

Oh, yeah! This is like
looking in a mirror.

- Yeah, a hot mirror.
- I'll be right outside, sir.

Chances are you're still
likely to get assassinated,

but the killer,
may God guide his hand,

will just have to work
a little harder.

Hey, can I get some
of that body armor?

Sincerest congratulations
on all your life choices, Amy.

- Thank you. It pays quite well.
- Have a good weepy slide

down the shower wall
this evening. We gotta go.

Will's got a full day
ahead of him. Tell 'em
what you gotta do, Will.

I was hoping
to finally finish
my passion project.

- Which is?
- Rerouting my urethra
to behind my balls

so that I have to sit to pee
like a real girl.

- ( cackling )
- Goodbye, Amy, Jonah.

- Jonah: Bye, Will.
- Very nice to meet you,
Mrs. Ryan.

Reporter:
Mayor Splett,

do you consider
yourself a hero?

- ( overlapping chatter )
- Sit your hawk asses down!

Not you, Richard.

I'm gonna pick one of you
minimum wage media monkeys

to ask three pre-approved
questions, pre-written by me,

and she's gonna owe me
for the rest of her life.

And yes, I said "she,"
and I don't mean you.

Well, I'd say I got here
not a moment too soon.

- Because President Meyer
fired you?
- All right, look, Richard,

we have an incredible
opportunity here.

I mean, the entire country
thinks that you're a hero.

Except for
the 7-Eleven truthers.

They say that no Jewish people
were working in the store
that day,

but there's no Jewish people
in Lurlene, so...

Richard, you need
a chief of staff

that has real D.C. experience.

Mister Mayor,
the lieutenant governor

still wants to set up a time
for your award ceremony.

Oh, Willa, this is Dan Egan,
my new Chief of Staff.

- Sure.
- Ah, Dan, there's no
easy way to say this,

but, uh, given your reputation,

there's no dipping your quill
in the company ink.

- Copy that.
- I mean sex.

- Got it.
- By that, I mean Willa.

Mike:
I wouldn't be doing my job,

Madam President,

if I didn't ask the question

that's on everybody's mind:

Is that a new hairstyle?

And your ex-husband Andrew
is about to be indicted

in the Southern District
of New York.

Which is not a question,
actually.

Well, what we really
should be talking about

is Senator Talbot's husband

and the longstanding
accusations against him.

- Oh. Well, let's go
with that one.
- Gary: Mm-hmm.

- That sounds juicy.
- Plus his tax evasion.

Wait, Senator Talbot's husband
is cheating on his taxes?

Well, that's what
people are saying.

How is nobody
looking into this?

I mean, Why isn't
the press covering this?

Are they biased against you?

Well, you said it, not me,
but I also say it.

You know, it's getting
so you can't believe
anything the media says

- about anyone's husband!
- Mike: Yeah!

It's really a treat for me
to come on a show

that's fair and impartial.

- ( chuckles )
When does this air?
- Well, it's streaming now.

Oh, I see. And what time
will that be?

Now, you're going
to lead off with a nod

to the anti-vaccination
movement.

Yeah, why go to the doctor
and get a shot

for something
you don't even have?

Yeah, I didn't get
Clay vaccinated

because it causes autism,

and now he just has
a little bit of autism.

Yeah, and when
I was a kid,

they said
the best case scenario
was I had autism.

- Fuckin' look at me now.
- Don't use that line up there.

Don't yell at him, 'cause
loud noises make him flip out.

- Rick, there's a gun
in the front row.
- What? Jonah?

- Ha ha ha ha! Made you look!
- P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen...

- You're on!
- Wish me luck, meat shield.

- ...Jonah Ryan!
- How you doin', Clearwater!

Right. If I could digress
from my prepared remarks...

How would anyone know?

...I want to talk
about my opponent,

( mocking tone )
President Selina Meyer.

- ( all booing )
- Has anybody noticed

that she's been, like,
55 years old forever?

Yeah, I mean, come on,

she is totally lying
about her age, right?

Man:
Kill her!

Yeah, I mean, sure, maybe.

I mean, how old are you
really, Selina Meyer, huh?

- Crowd: Yeah!
- When are you from?

When! Are! You! From?!

When are you from?
When are you from?

When are you from?

When are you from?

They have an actual crowd there?

What, are they giving away
free Tommy Bahama dick cozies?

Ma'am, this is not
a big deal.

Just show 'em
your birth certificate.

While we're at it,
why don't we show 'em

my estrogen patch
prescription

and a Polaroid of
my stretch marks?

You mean your wisdom stripes.

I have always been
open and transparent

about how old I am.

- Yeah, 55.
- I believe it's 53.

- Late 40s.
- You're all correct.

Well, look who
cleans up nice.

Can I get a quick fiver,
Madam P?

Yeah. Oh, Gary,
that reminds me,

I need to switch out
my estrogen patch.

Mm. Should I slip in a little
swirl of progesterone for you?

- You can surprise me.
- Yep. Ohh...

- Ma'am, uh, you...
- Yeah.

It's fine. They know everything.

Me so complicit.
Me go jail long time.

All right!
The Houston Chronicle
is reporting that Kemi voters

have somehow got the idea
that if they vote
in the primaries,

they're gonna get
an IRS audit.

( laughing )

( Selina chuckles )

Keith, I don't want to know
how you did that.

Well, Facebook'll
walk you through it
step by step.

You know what? Maybe it's best
if you don't update us so much.

- But there is just one
other matter.
- Selina: OK.

Dissident poet Deng Dao
has been arrested for--

well, they'll figure it out
after they shoot him.

What does that have
to do with me?

As the woman
who freed Tibet,

I'm guessing they'll want you
to support them publicly.

OK, Keith, as much
as I hate poetry,

I'm not gonna do that.

Yeah, until this
Washington Post thing
blows over,

we're gonna keep our wangs
out of your Chinese
fuckin' finger trap.

( laughs )
Yeah, right.

All right, I'll tell them.

They insist on hearing
bad news right away.

Fine.

Oh, uh, and if you
talk to your ex,

you might want to ask him
about his business with China.

- What?
- See what he says.

Is Andrew tied in
with the Chinese?

I-I don't know. I mean,

he's always had a thing
for Asians.

So do I, but if Andrew starts
talking to the grand jury about,

you know, you and China--

This was supposed to be
just a little simple bit

of election-rigging!

- Fuck!
- ( door opens, closes )

( low ) I have
your estrogen patch,
if you'd like.

You wear it. Maybe you'll grow
some hair on your vagina!

Hmm.

Man:
...March Wheelwright
Medal of Bravery.

Mayor Richard Splett
of Lurlene

demonstrated remarkable
heroism...

Look at that.
I'm telling you, Richard,

this is just the beginning,
all right?

Oh-- Sidney Purcell.

Of all the mid-priced
steakhouse chains

in northeastern Iowa...

Oh, sorry. Mayor Splett,
this is Sidney Purcell.

He represents
the very good people

At Con-Ag-Chem Family Farms.

Ah, well, this man
needs no introduction.

Please, the 7-Eleven mayor
himself.

- Would you care to join us?
- Yeah, I don't mind if I do.

That's a great idea.
I'm actually

really glad that
I happened to run into you.

There is a vote coming up
in the state Senate

- regarding
pesticide regulations.
- That's right.

And there's an empty seat
up there.

Do you know anything
about pesticides?

Not as much as I'd like.

That empty seat
in the state Senate,

it could be yours.

You know, down
at the feed store

they're saying
your new seeds
cause cancer.

Well, we've paid
for seven studies

that say that it doesn't.

- Seven? Wow.
- Yeah, seven. Lucky sevens.

That's good enough for me.
Can't argue with science.

I'm gonna get some drinks.
You guys stay here, talk,
get to know each other.

You know what I want,
right, Dan?
What do you want, Mayor?

I want to read
those reports.

I'm sorry, um, you look
so familiar to me.

- Mmm.
- Did, uh, did we...?

( laughing ) Oh, no!
I'm an OB-GYN.

You brought a woman
into my clinic

to have her pregnancy
terminated.

Could you be a little
more specific?

I'm actually worried
she might have

some sort of thyroid issue
because of her eyes.

- Oh! Amy.
- Yeah, Amy.

Reminds me, I gotta
Apple Pay her for my half.

Hey, can I
buy ya a drink?

You can buy me half a drink.

Oh.

( Selina laughing )

Kemi ( on TV ):
This is insane!

My husband has never done
an illegal thing in his life--

in his entire life!

( reporters clamoring )

( laughing )

When women fall apart,
they really fuckin' fall apart!

( laughing )

Did you take the coconut
out of my muesli

- for tomorrow morning?
- No. No.

And you know
what you need to do?

You need to use
tweezers this time

because I really thought
I could taste your fingers.

I'm sorry.

These, by the way,
are completely hideous.

- Catherine ordered those.
- Oh.

- Ohh. That's too much.
- It is.

- But thank you.
- What?

- Good evening, Lee.
Got your message.
- OK, yeah.

Wow, I've been trying to
track you down for days.

Hearing you say that
really takes me back.

Ha!

OK. Out.

Excuse me.
I have work to do.

Are you really trying to cut
a fucking deal here?

- Well...
- I mean, my God,

do you understand this could
cost me the presidency, Andrew?

- I had no choice.
- Oh, that's what you said

about Catherine's
freshman year roommate.

She had done a gap year abroad.
She was not a true freshman.

And now...

I'm hearing about you
and the Chinese?

That's funny, you're
the third person who's asked me
about that this week--

a U.S. attorney, a reporter
from the Washington Post--

Since when are you doing
business with them?

Actually, you.
Your name is all over--

I should have really married
that gay guy my mother liked.

A couple years ago,
a few Beijing businessmen
approached me,

and they wanted
the investment expertise

of the former president's
disbarred ex-husband.

No big deal.

And we cleaned
a teeny-tiny bit of money

through the Meyer Fund--
low nine figures.

- And that faith-based thing
was a godsend.
- OK. I--

Wait a minute.
You know Keith Quinn?

I know him as Luther.
We met in Macao
at the shark fights.

Do you want me
to take the raisins out--

- Out!
- Yep. Mmm.

Yes!

If we could find
a fall guy...

Gary?

Honestly, I don't think
people are gonna buy

that a guy who calls vaginas
"crinkum-crankums"

is gonna be able
to pull off some sort of
multimillion-dollar fraud.

- Come on.
- Well, it, uh...

it would absolutely
destroy Catherine, but, um...

Marjorie?

That's kinda perfect.

Besides:
women's prison.

Yeah. Wall-to-wall
crinkum-crankum.

- Jonah: I'm not touching you.
- Amy: Oh, OK.

- I'm not touching you.
- Amy: Thank you for
looking into that.

Jonah, we still need a copy
of your birth certificate

and the New Hampshire
Vital Records office
cannot find it, so...

Oh, yeah. No, that makes sense,
I was born in Toronto.

Toronto... Canada?

I don't know, just cancel
the press conference.

Absolutely not!

Do you have any idea how crazy

all of this talk
about Selina's age
must be making her?

We are turning the screws

on that miserable,
poultry-necked hag...

- ( squeals )
- Jesus, Amy.

God, is that what
a real orgasm feels like?

Ugh. Do women have those?

That's what
I've been telling you.

All right, fine.
I'll call my mom.

- Thank you.
- Oh, and I should probably
call Rick's mom too

just because she's
probably still pretty sore
from last night

when I was all up in that...
♪ Puss-ay-ay-yay ♪

♪ In that puss-ay-ay-yay ♪

♪ In that puss-ay ♪

What are you gonna
do about it?

- Ohh! Ow!
- ( thud )

Selina:
Marjorie? Love to talk to you

for a second
about the Meyer Fund.

There's something
I'd like to speak with
you about as well.

- Oh, OK. Good.
- It's about Catherine.

I think you know
I'm a very traditional woman,

though I do seek
to topple the patriarchy

by queering
hetero-normative tropes.

Are you talking
about your outfit?

As I was saying, I love
your daughter very much.

I know that you do,
Marjorie, um, Palmiotti,

and I have to say that
I love the work that you do
on the Meyer Fund very much.

- Thank you, ma'am.
- Although I personally don't
know anything about it

because you're the complete
mastermind behind it, right?

I think I can see you
nodding your head "yes"...

Are you recording this
conversation, ma'am?

That is a bizarre thing to say.

Well, the flowers
have been moved,

- and... Andrew's phone.
- Um--

I refuse to allow you
to implicate me

in your financial
misdeeds, ma'am.

They're not misdeeds.

They were
exploited opportunities.

- Oh, there's my phone.
- Yeah, she found it.

I'll spare Catherine
this shameful episode.

Despite the fact that you are

two of the most reprehensible
people I have ever met...

- Hang on a second.
- Where did that
come from? Seriously.

...by some magical combination
of abuse and neglect

managed to create
the perfect daughter.

- Thank you very much.
- And that's why...

I would like to ask
both of you for Catherine's
hand in marriage.

- Oh!
- Whoa!

- Wow.
- You-- You have our blessing.

- Yes, you have our blessing.
Absolutely.
- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Can I ask you
a question, Marjorie?

- Of course, ma'am.
- Why would you buy that cow?

Oh. When I can get the milk
for free. Very good, ma'am.

- What?
- I'm leaving now.
For the record.

It's-- I'm not--

Ohh, God.

- Lee?
- Mm?

I honestly never thought
it would come to this,

but I have had
a suitcase packed

and ready to go by the door
for the last 20 years.

- What?
- I still have Mee-Maw's boat.

- The Labor Day?
- Mm-hmm.

You told me it sank.

I told you
I reported it sunk
to insurance.

And I could take it
down to Cuba,
and from there,

you know I've long felt
a deep connection
with the land of Israel

and their
non-extradition treaty.

You can't just disappear,
and I can't have people
thinking I'm Jewish.

We're right in the middle
of the primaries.

It's the best thing
for both of us.

The only thing
they have on you is me.

Well, that's
the most romantic thing
you've ever said to me.

But I'm gonna need some
walkin'-around money.

Here we go. What-- I mean,
how far do you have to walk?

Fuck!

I mean, can you
give me 24 hours?

Yeah. Yes.

( sighs )

I guess this is goodbye.

I guess so.

Well...

good-bye.

Hey, Andrew. What are you doing?

- Oh, yeah, I should
probably go out the back door.
- Yeah.

Your false accusations
are working, ma'am.

Oh. Then they're
no longer false.

Basically a two-woman race
to see who is less offensive
to the American people.

That's the best explanation
of democracy I've ever heard.

Also, they found Rosa Sanchez
in El Salvador.

- Who?
- The fake real woman
from your speech?

Just in the nick of time.
She was about to be stoned
by the local child army.

OK, guys, um...
last night...

I don't like when
people feel they have to
get closer to talk to me.

It usually means
I'm gonna be facing
a longer prison sentence.

- I saw Andrew...
- The prosecution rests.

We talked about
a trip he might take
out of the country...

I will add tampering
to our list of charges.

But if we were able
to give him a going-away gift,

uh, he might be able
to turn it into a stay-cation.

- And bribery.
- Gary?

Yes, here.

How much is left in
that whole faith-space--

Kent:
Faith-based.

I spent it all on Bibles
for the homeless.

You spent millions...

Yes, yes, I did.

...on leather-bound
hobo toilet paper.

Mmm. I hope they don't use
the New Testament for that.

I need to speak
with Keith Quinn.

- Did I do something wrong?
- Go.

Ma'am,
not Keith Quinn.

Yes. What, do you
have a better idea?

- Yes, not Keith Quinn.
- No. Go.

- Ma'am, it's time.
- Oh, OK. It's--

( clears throat )

I was an alcoholic,

I was in a relationship
with a blonde, uncaring

bug-eyed rage-aholic.

I used to work with someone
just like that.

Oh, my gosh, folks,
our best friend of the show,

President Selina Meyer,
is on the line calling us today.

Selina:
Hello, Mike?
How are you?

Mike:
Great. Hope you got the invite
for the baby shower.

What's going on with this chair?
It's too low.

Hint: We could still use
the changing table,

or bye-bye ping pong.

Oh, that's actually a cute name.

Are you gonna keep that?

- Morning!
- Shh!

I'm calling because
I wanted to talk to you

about Senator Talbot's husband.

I have been hearing from
hardworking American people

from all walks of life

that what he's into
is way beyond tax fraud.

( whispering )
I need some help for me ex
from your friends in the East.

Oh, I thought we were putting
our little arrangement
on the back burner?

Madam President, Senator Talbot
has just released a statement.

I'm gonna read it
so I get it right.

You are simply
attacking her family

to distract
from your own problems,

- and that you are the one...
- Guess what?

Mike, I have
a special announcement.

My daughter Catherine
is getting married

to her lady friend Marjorie.

That's amazing!
Isn't that great, buddy?

Well, the Bible is actually
very clear--

Selina:
But now I have to run.

It's been such fun
talking with you,

and I'm sure
we'll connect later.

So... Andrew?

- I'll take care of it.
- OK.

- Any date for the wedding?
- Huh?

- Any date for the wedding?
- Oh, who gives a shit.

Richard:
This has been
a very difficult decision,

but, no, I will not be running
for state Senate.

There's just so many things
I still want to do for the
good people here in Lurlene,

like my own pet issue,
which, as many of you know,
is pet issues.

And I certainly hope
I'm not letting anyone down,
especially my new friend Sidney.

Are you referring
to Sidney Purcell,

the Con-Ag-Chem
Fam Farm lobbyist?

I'm so sorry.
We don't have any time
for more questions.

Actually, Dan,
that did sound like a question.

Yes, Sidney Purcell,
super generous guy,

offered me all sorts
of great stuff,

like brand-new
kitchen appliances

or a brand-new hot tub like
the lieutenant governor has.

- We have a schedule to keep--
- But I'm not supposed to
talk about that, right, Dan?

Mayor Splett, are you saying

that Con-Ag-Chem made you
an offer to run for office?

No, that's not what he said.
He didn't say that.

- No, no, no, Dan is right.
- Dan: Thank you.

Sidney made the offer.
Con-Ag-Chem is a company,
it can't talk.

- Hilarious. A talking company.
Where would the mouth even be?
- Dan: We gotta go.

Ben:
Ma'am, the press is out there
waiting for you.

Rosa is gonna spend
the night here in Boston.
No mini-bar key.

This sit-down's gonna
give us a nice little boost
for the Latino vote.

- All right.
- Kent: Hold up.

Ma'am, I'm sorry, there's
no easy way to tell you this.

- Oh.
- Your mother's boat,
the Labor Day,

exploded off the coast
of Florida this afternoon.

Andrew was the only
person aboard.

No, uh-uh. 'Cause
he was going to Cuba.

A...lledgedly.

Ma'am, maybe we can just, uh,
cancel this-- this Rosa thing.

No!

The Latino vote, Ben.

I'm so sorry.

He was my ex-husband.

( indistinct chatter )

( soft chuckle ) Hello.

Oh, wow. Rosa.

Oh, my good friend.

That's not Rosa.

N-- Oh? Oh! ( laughs )

There she is. ( laughs )

- That must be your mother.
- My sister.

Your si-- sister. OK.

Selina:
Familia. Rosa...

you have had
quite a journey.

They put me on a plane
and sent me to Mexico.

That's a terrible... place.

I did nothing wrong.

No, well, I did nothing wrong.

I'm-- I'm just trying to
run for president here.

You don't know how lucky
you have it, really,
to tell you the truth.

I mean, the next thing ya know,
everything can change,

it just goes...
( imitates explosion )
like that, right?

- Rosa: Mm.
- And-- And then--

OK, I think we need
to wrap this up here.

- Oh.
- We got a busy schedule.

I just want
to say thank you,

- President Montez.
- Sure, why not.

- Rosa: God bless you.
- Madam President,
quick question--

- ( indistinct chatter)
- Selina: I want to be alone.

( breathing heavily )

Mom, I can't believe that you
ruined Marjorie's proposal
all over the internet.

Catherine, I have just gotten
some terrible news
about your father,

uh, being lost at sea,

and you are up my ass

about some proposal bullshit?

- For real?
- Too late, Catherine.

Too late.

- ( knocking )
- Keith: Hey, now,

you're not
a grilled chicken Caesar
and a Miller Lite.

- I need to talk to you.
- Sure. I'm all ears, milady.

- Was it you?
- Excuse me?

Andrew is blown up.

Did you do that?
Did you fucking do that?!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey!

I have no idea what you're
talking about, Madame President,

but you did say
to take care of it.

No, I didn't.
I said for you
to pay him off.

I distinctly remember
you saying
"Take care of it."

OK, sure, but I didn't--
I didn't say it

in a "take care of it"
kind of way.

I just said
take care of it.

And it was pretty clear.
You said, "Take care of it,"

and then you gave me a look.

Not a "blow him to
kingdom-fucking-come" look!

No, no, no.
Listen, your eyebrows
did not move at all.

Because
I have had Botox!

I abhor violence
of any type.

- Ye-- Yes.
- OK? But I have seen

plenty of "blow him up" looks.

Oh, I'm sorry. ( crying )

- OK.
- ( weeping )

- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

Let me get you some... tissues.

- ( crying ) OK.
- OK? Yeah.

( sobbing )

( gasps )

I'm going back to my room.

Keith:
Oh, OK, OK.

( crying )

It's OK, Catherine.
Catherine, Mommy's here.

- ( sobbing )
- Mommy's here.

OK, Mommy has to go.

- Mommy has to go.
- What?

It's all right, Catherine,
Mommy's here.

What do you think it says?

I don't read Mandarin,
ma'am.

When do the new Kents
come out?

Do we have any friends at State?

We have to find someone
who can read Mandarin

but have no idea
what it means.

Like a brain-damaged Chinaman.

- Or woman.
- Or woman. Sorry.

Or the adopted child of
someone with brain damage.

Amy:
You know what would help sell
this birth certificate presser

is actually finding
the fucking birth certificate!

Yeah, I know! God, Mom!

Don't you have a file
marked "Important Shit"

that has baby teeth in it

and my VHS copy
of "Night Eyes II"
starring Shannon Tweed?

Yes, and that's
the first place I looked.

- What's that?
- There it is!

OK, Jonie,
we really need to talk.

Mom, we don't have time
to talk.

America is waiting
for my leadership.

Oh, excuse me, I think
I'm gonna be sick.

Uh-oh, I think I know
what that's about.

( indistinct chatter )

Agent Youngblood.

You know, I think you're
doin' a great job, sir.

I have repeatedly called

for Selina Meyer to release
her birth certificate,

but as everybody
on my elementary school
playground knows,

I am not afraid
to show you mine.

In fact, here it is.

This is my birth certificate.

Name: Jonah Joy Ryan.

Weight: six pounds.
Length: twenty-six inches.

Yeah, that's right,
twenty-six inches.

Mother: Nancy Kincannon.

Father...

Excuse me.

( crowd murmuring )

Beth: Jonah.

Now it's your turn,
Selina Meyer.

Lloyd is my real dad?

Oh, of course he is.

I tried to tell you
a hundred times, Jonie.

Do you want a snack?

No. I'm not
talking to y--

Fine. Mac and cheese.

- Nancy: OK.
- I can't believe this.

And ketchup.

That's why we went
to Canada.

We didn't tell anyone because
Lloyd and I are second cousins.

- Beth: Ohh.
- God, Mom,
that is vomitrocious.

I could have been born
with something wrong with me.

You know what? I never thought
that this would be a problem,

then the two of you eloped...

so I just decided
not to think about it...

'cause that's
the best solution sometimes.

- Wait, is Lloyd still my dad?
- Yeah, nobody knows.

- But you're now
officially my stepsister.
- Half sister.

I'm sorry, I think
I'm gonna be sick again.

( microwave beeps )

Mac and cheese is ready.

Do you have
any apple slices?

Anything you want,
honey.

I want Lloyd to not be my dad!

Me too.

Mike:
Ma'am, you said

- you weren't gonna be here.
- Surprise!

Do you want
to meet baby Henry?
He's so cute.

Yes, but often, when a child
gets a new baby brother,

they can feel neglected and--
and low self-esteem.

- Catherine, for one.
- Well, yes, exactly.

And she didn't even have
a baby brother. So--

I actually feel the same way,
too, as a dad, sometimes.

So I think
I should probably go
and see Ellen right now.

Sure. Does anybody want
to meet baby Henry?

No.

Selina:
Hi, Ellen.

I'm your Auntie Selina,

and this is Uncle Bennie,

- and this is...
- Chief Strategist Kent Davison.

- How do you do?
- Hi.

Honey, can you do me a favor?

You know what,
I've got this piece of paper.

( playful tone )
I don't know what it says.

I think maybe
it's in Mandarin.

- Did you bring me a present?
- It's in the car.

Cool. Let's see...

I just talked to my guy
in the Southern District.

They're dropping
the investigation
into the Meyer Fund.

- No!
- Without Andrew,

the whole thing
just blew up.

( chuckles ) Sorry.

Well, what are ya gonna do?

Also, the Post is spiking

its election interference
story.

- ( all laughing )
- Oh, my God! What?!

Is this what it feels like
to be a man?

- Who is Mon-tiz-uh?
- What? Mon-tiz-uh?

- Montez.
- Wait a minute.

Let me--
Let me see what you wrote.

"By giving Meyer the nomination,

they can ensure
a Montez presidency"?

I want to be president
when I grow up.

- You cannot.
- Selina: Goddamnit!

We can't even commit
treason right?!

- What about my present?
- Uh, I'm giving it
to your brother.

More than a dozen
Iowa government officials
are in hot water.

The lieutenant governor,
along with several
state senators,

have all been arrested
for accepting improper
campaign contributions

from Con-Ag-Chem Family Farms.

Bye-bye, Sidney.

Dan, I'm glad
you're here.

Uh, the governor called.

He wants me to resign as mayor,
effective immediately.

What? You didn't
do anything wrong!

That's what he said.

He's appointing me the new
lieutenant governor.

( claps ) Yes. Richard,
that is what I'm talkin' about.

You see? Stick with me, right?

Oh. Now that we're moving
to Des Moines,

Willa is fair game and DTF--
diverticulitis flare-up.

So if you go out to eat,
she can only have rice.

Good to know.
Thank you.

SELINA MEYER: I've got way more
foreign policy experience

than that half-wit Kemi.

I think it's pronounced
half-white.

Am I getting my meeting
with President Lu?

Face to face, I can convince
anyone of anything.

-That's not true.
-Incorrect.

-You're both wrong.
-Well you're right.

Hundred-fourteen million wired
from the Seychelles to Malta,

then back to the Seychelles
and then Spain.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

That is highly classified.

I'm sorry Selina,
you have left me with no choice.

(MUTTERS SOFTLY)

-Ha!
-That was your phone.