All language subtitles for Tales of the unexpected 006 - 01x06 - neck

If a bucket of paint falls
on a man's head, that's funny.

If the bucket fractures
his skull at the same time

and kills him,
that's not funny.

It's tragic.

And yet, if a man falls
into a sausage machine

and is sold in the shops
at so much a pound,

that's funny.

It is also tragic.

So, why is it funny?

I don't know,
but what I do know

is that somewhere within
this very difficult area

lies the secret
of all black comedy.

The play you're going to see now

is one of those
blackish comedies,

and thanks to the presence
of two famous stars,

it's come out
a good deal funnier

than I was ever able
to make it on paper.

Lady Turton, who ran
her husband's newspaper empire

as aggressively as she ran
his house in Norfolk,

didn't know that Sir Basil
had invited an extra guest

for the weekend--
John Bannister.

Gently.

It's
irreplaceable.

Jelks?

Milady...

What is going on?

Basil? Basil?

Have you gone
out of your mind?

Hello, my dear.

What on earth is
this tradesman's van

doing at the front?

My latest acquisition.
Quite wonderful--

Basil, what will
my guests think?

Really, Basil,
you've no style--

no style at all!

This way.

[Chimes ringing]

Here.

[Clock striking]

[Car horn honking]

[Car horn honking]

Evening, Jelks.

JELKS:
Good evening, sir.

Who else have we got
for the weekend?

Hardly anyone, sir--

yourself
and Miss Carmen La Rosa,

and a young friend
of Sir Basil's,

I believe, sir.

The young chap
blocking the drive?

Very possible, sir.

Good-looking, is he?

Presentable?
Bit of young blood?

I have no idea, sir.

You'll find Lady Turton
in the library, sir.

Thank you.

Send up my bags,
will you?

I'll change first.

Isn't she beautiful?

Thank you.
Thank you.

Ah, you made it.

Good. Well,
what do you think?

She's just arrived.

I like it.

She looks better than
when we saw her last

in the sale room,
don't you think?

No comparison.

Oh, I realize I paid
over the odds,

but we couldn't
let her go

to Dusseldorf,
could we?

Anyway,
I had to have her.

She fills a real gap
in my collection.

I like
the way he's used

the natural grain
of the wood.

Don't tell
Lady Turton that.

She hates what she calls
"art talk."

MAN: Can't imagine
what he was doing,

young idiot.

Hmm. A young man
in a sports car.

Parked his pedal car
all over the drive.

I blasted him
with my horn.

[Laughing]

Jelks tells me
he's Basil's guest.

LADY TURTON: Hmm.

I say,
does he ride?

Oh, we'll have to see.

If he's Basil's guest,
he's bound to be a drip.

[Laughter]

Well, now, I take that back.

SIR BASIL: My dear,
may I introduce John Bannister.

We happened to meet
at Sotheby's.

Oh, Basil haunts
that place.

Every honest penny
I earn,

he spends on art.
How do you do?

How do you do,
Lady Turton?

Oh, Natalia, please.

Basil,

do give this presentable
young man a drink. Come.

JELKS: Allow me, sir.

Carmen, John.
Carmen La Rosa.

How do you do?
Are you horsy?

Not really, no.

Oh. Then we won't
have anything

to say to each other.
What do you do?

I'm an art
historian.

[Chokes]

Oh, my God!
How awful for you.

Jelks, get me
another martini.

I've just met
an art historian.

Oh, I think
you've met Jack--

Major Haddock.

In a way, yes.
How do you do?

Evening.

Stupid place
to leave a car.

I was admiring
the view.

Don't we all?

Basil, for God's sake,
take our guest upstairs.

I cannot stand tweeds
after 6:00.

I can't wait to see you
in a black tie.

There's an admired view
of the garden, sir.

The bathroom in here.

Beware of
the flush, sir.

It's quite powerful.

Oh, thank you.

Dinner at 7:30, sir.

Thank you.

Don't bother
with the--

No bother, sir.

That catch
is rather tricky.

I seem to have got
the better of it, sir.

Look, there's hardly
anything to hang up.

I just threw in
a few things.

Quite, sir.
Just a weekend bag.

Look, really,

I'd rather
you didn't.

Do you play bridge, sir?

Yes, as a matter
of fact, I do.

Ah, well, then,

you'll be doubly
welcome here, sir,

believe me.

They play a lot
of bridge, do they?

Yes, sir. And poker
and gin rummy,

but Sir Basil
prefers bridge.

I see you favor
the modern approach

to evening dress, sir.

What?

Snap on, snap off.

It's a bit creased.

You launder it
yourself, sir?

It's drip dry.

Quite. I can't wear
man-made fabrics myself.

I find the static
electricity

it generates
inconvenient.

One tends to give off
blue flashes in the dark.

That will be all,
Jelks.

Oh, but your pumps, sir.

Pumps?

Your evening
footwear, sir.

They may require
polish, possibly.

No. No, they're fine,
really.

Very well, sir.

I'll just leave you
to it, then.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Yes, of course.

I never accept
emolument, sir.

No tips?

If I might offer a little
further advice, sir?

Yes?

It's simply
that her ladyship

does somewhat tend
to overbid her hand.

Thank you, Jelks.

Oh, one further point, sir.
At dinner--

Yes?

Her ladyship's right foot

doesn't always
seem to know

what her left foot
is doing.

That will be all,
Jelks!

I sincerely hope so, sir.

So, what exactly
do you specialize in

as an art historian?

Oh, Renaissance.

Oh. Basil used to call me
his Memling Madonna,

but I always saw myself
more like that.

The telephone,
milady.

Oh, no. What a bore.
Who is it?

The editor of
the "Sunday Globe,"

milady.
[Sighs]

I am a slave to
Basil's inheritance.

Now, his father--

what a magnificent
man he was.

Basil, wasn't your father
a magnificent man?

Yes, dear.
Very forthright...

like you.

Mmm. Brilliant.

Built an international
newspaper empire

out of the coarse
"Fisherman's Gazette."

Such animal magnetism,
even on his deathbed.

But does his son
take after him?

Well...

The editor is
waiting, milady.

He needs to know
how many nudes

you require
for the front page

of the northern
edition, milady.

Thank you, Jelks.

I shall tell him
to think big.

[Laughter]

Amazing woman.
One for the book, eh?

Yes.

Tell me,
what do you think

of Basil's art collection?
Load of rubbish?

Quite the reverse.

Oh. Don't know what
you chaps see in it.

Well, for a start,

it must be
worth millions.

Really?

Well, that's put the fear
of God into him.

Oh, Basil, haven't you
finished eating yet?

He is the slowest eater
in the world.

Nibble, nibble, nibble.

Thank you, Jelks.

Tell cook the poached salmon
was abominable.

With pleasure, milady.

I know how she values
your opinion.

Splendid dinner.
I feel very replete.

MAJOR HADDOCK: Well,
what's it to be tonight:

gin rummy, liar dice,
strip poker?

Bridge.

One spade.

3 clubs.

3 hearts.

No bid.

3 no trumps.

No bid.

No bid.

No bid.

Must you always bid
3 no trumps, Basil?

It makes the game
so dull,

so unadventurous.

Not if one wins,
dear.

What's the idea, man?

I didn't ask
for another scotch.

No, sir, but as
things are looking,

you may well
need one, sir.

Are you still losing?

May I enquire
the score, sir?

No, you may not.

In fact, Jelks,
you can go to bed.

This is
our last hand.

Very good, milady.

Mr. Bannister and I
are 1,200 up, Jelks.

How very
gratifying, sir.

Good night, sir.

Ah. No go.
It's all yours.

We overbid, Natalia.
I've told you before.

Oh, Jack,
no postmortems.

You know I can't stand
postmortems.

Basil, since winning's
obviously worn you out,

I suggest you
go to bed, too.

I am rather
tired, dear.

Oh, we'll settle
in the morning, right?

[Clock striking]

[Rattling]

As a houseguest,
Mr. Bannister,

you leave a lot
to be desired.

Do I?

Mmm.

Beating your hostess
at bridge?

Jack's furious.

And then locking
your door.

Tsk. Such ingratitude.

Besides, I have a key

to every bedroom
in this house--

all 47 of them.

47?

Ha. Striped pajamas?

I'm cold-blooded.

Oh.

Oh, and a bow.

How sweet.
How old-fashioned.

Just think of this

as your bread-and-butter
letter, darling,

written in advance.

[Both moaning]

[Click]

Jelks?!

Forgive me, milady.
I thought I heard an intruder.

You are
the intruder, Jelks.

Could I be of any service
to you, sir?

Um...no. I'm...

Go away, Jelks!

Hearing strange sounds,

I took the precaution of
alerting Sir Basil, milady.

As a butler, Jelks,

you'd make a perfect
baby minder.

I hope I've been
of some service, sir.

I suppose so, yes.

If I might suggest it,

a chair braced firmly
under the doorknob

is quite
the best deterrent.

Her ladyship has been known
to sleepwalk before dawn.

Good night, Jelks.

Good night, sir.

When my father died,

I was taken
rather by surprise.

Up until then,

I'd lived a very quiet
bachelor life,

and suddenly at 40,

I seemed to become
enormously eligible.

Young ladies
appeared from nowhere.

Oh, I bought that head
last March.

A Frink?

Yes.

And then Natalia
appeared

and literally
swept me off my feet.

All the others
were rather miffed.

She is very striking.

Oh, and a wonderful head
for business,

though I must say,
she has rather changed

the tone of our
various publications.

But the cash
does roll in.

Who's for a gallop?

We're coming.

Jack!

Let her go!

Oh!

Did you sleep well
last night?

Yes, eventually.

Jelks told me

he thought he heard
an intruder.

False alarm.

Quite.

Jelks is very loyal.

[Indistinct shouting]

You are insatiable!

Saddle the horse,
and away!

Oh, I love this place--
every inch of it.

[Laughter
and indistinct chatter]

Oh, look. This is Basil's
new masterpiece.

Isn't it ghastly?

[Laughing]

Watch
the dicky-bird.

Take one like this.

Oh,
that's very good.

Tallyho!

Shall we go down?

It--it's very pleasant here.

[Laughter]

Oh, yes, brilliant--

just like those things
at the seaside!

How is it?

Oh, it's bloody
marvelous.

Oh, idiot.

Got you.

How now,
my proud beauty?

Mmm. Oh!

Natalia finds everything
so amusing.

Jack, I'm stuck.

You can't be.

I am.

Oh, rubbish. What
goes in must come--

Jack, do something.

Oh, flatten
your ears back.

I am not a horse,
dammit.

Oh, dear.

Ow! Ow! Aah!

[Loud grunting]

What is it?

Natalia's stuck.

Well, get something
quickly--

butter, lard,
anything!

I got my fist stuck in
a jar of boiled sweets once.

Couldn't get it out.

Finally, I broke
the jar with a hammer

and told my mother

it fell off the shelf
by mistake.

I suppose we ought
to help, really.

Stop it!

I suppose so, yes.

Quite.

Cigarette?

Virginia this side,
Turkish that.

I don't. Thank you.

I do.

I think a Turkish.

[Grunting]

What are you doing?

Better take
the jacket off.

All right.

Yes! Yes!
Come on, girl!

No! Oh, Jack!
I can't!

I can't! Ow!

[Sighs]

What a stupid thing.

It's not funny.

No.

Well, we'll just have
to wait for Carmen.

Oh, God.
Now look who's here.

Basil, get me
out of here!

What's the matter,
dear?

Isn't it obvious?

Stuck her head through
the blasted hole.

Can't get it out.

How odd.

Just for a lark,
you know.

Quite.

A bit of fun,
as it were?

NATALIA: Basil,
don't be such a damn fool!

Well, it's very obvious

we'll just have to
break up this, um...

lump of wood.

Surely not.

No. Petroleum jelly
should do the trick.

Ah. You thought
of it already.

Allow me. Good.

Oh, you're not going to
smother me in that muck.

Basil!

Keep still, dear.

Oh, no! Oh!

Oh, Basil!
Oh, it's revolting!

Can't hurt, dear.

If anything,
it's rather soothing.

NATALIA: Oh! Ugh!

[Crying]

That's right.
On the ears.

Plenty on the ears.

Oh, how dare you!

Oh, this is
so humiliating.

Oh, Basil,
look at you.

You're enjoying this,
aren't you,

you beastly little
rabbit of a man!

I reckon my old foot
would get her out.

Block and tackle.
That's the answer.

Poor madam.

[Laughing]

Try now--

a good, strong pull
from the hips.

Ow!

Oh, I must
look ghastly!

Ow!

It's no go.

We will straighten
her out.

You take
the left leg.

You, too.
Come on!

Now, you take
the leg.

That's right,
both of you.

That's right. Up.

Now, ready,
steady, go!

Oh! Put me down!

Let me down!

You hit my husband
for me!

I'm sure he's doing
his best, Lady Turton.

Oh, traitor!

[Screaming]

No!

Perhaps we should call
the fire brigade.

Oh, and have them see me
looking like this?

Ah, Jelks.

An unusual
occurrence, sir.

Quite.

I presume
it is the ears

that are the main
obstruction.

Could well be.

They do tend to swell
in moments of excitement.

Jelks.

Milady?

Please do something
constructive.

We are considering ways
and means, milady.

JACK: Ah,
I said so!

Chop the damn
thing up.

Chop up
a masterpiece?

No question, man.

All right, Basil, come on.
Get on with it.

Her ladyship
is right, sir.

No time like the present,
I always say.

The saw or the axe, sir?

[Natalia screaming]