Original subtitles

- Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,

the store has been closed for 20 minutes.

Many of us would like to leave.

So, if you're still in the store,

you're being a dick.

Don't be a dick.

- It's tough, because I have to live

with this trash can, you know?

- Right. No, I get it.

It's a very big decision.

So, you know, maybe you could go home tonight, sleep on it,

and decide tomorrow?

- No, "decide tomorrow" is what I said yesterday.

- [sighs] If I don't get home and study for my midterm,

I'm totally screwed.

Oh, hey, you look so cute.

both: Thank you.

- It's my senior dance recital tonight.

- What? Why didn't you tell us?

- Well, I can't perform because of, you know, this.

- Oh.

- But I'm gonna go and cheer on the other girls.

- Yeah, if this bozo ever leaves the store.

Hey, Myrtle, go bust out your hysterectomy story.

- It's all right. I got it.

[heavy metal music playing]

- It was 1953,

and medical science was all the rage.

- The thing is, you just sent us the shipment of signs now,

and I'd hate to keep people late

on a Friday evening to hang them all up.

So, if anyone gets this message, could you call me back, please?

It's Glenn.

- Sir-- - Oh, sorry.

- Oh, oh, so sorry, sir.

Sir, I can't quite-- - Oh, I am in the way.

- Yeah. - Duty calls.

- Sorry. I can't seem to--

- There's a spot right over there.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Hey, is that "Die Hard 2"?

That is the best "Die Hard."

- Have a heavenly night.

- Okay.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Oh, yeah! - Yeah!

- Oh, great job, Mateo. Great job.

- Hey, we're all staying late to do more work.

I'm so sorry.

I just found out about it.

I feel terrible about this.

Whoo-hoo!

[upbeat music]

- I'm stuck at work for an hour or two, but save my seat.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

- You have to get here, bitch.

- I know, bitch.

- Birds, it's Mommy. Listen up.

Scout, Taffy, FDR, Pikachu, you guys are in charge,

so act like the leaders I know that you are.

Now, cockatoos, I assume you can't hear me right now

since you should all be asleep already.

[chuckles] Okay, heads down.

[clears throat]

Too la loo ra loo ral

Too la loo ra li

- Ooh, corporate messed up.

Those are the same signs we just took down.

- I don't think so.

- Mm-hmm.

- Nope, they say the old signs

were this pale, outdated color called "glossy dolphin."

The new ones are a bold, exciting color

called "glossy dolphin B."

- [scoffs]

- This is kind of fun, right?

Being up high like this?

Reminds me of my indoor rock-climbing days.

- I just need to get home to study for my midterm.

- Midterm. [chuckles]

That takes me back. - Mm-hmm.

- Cramming for tests-- or trying to.

Half the time, I'd just end up getting drunk

in someone's dorm room

and spend the whole night having "deep conversations."

- [laughs] That's so fun.

Did I ever tell you the story about that one time

when I went to college as a grown-up

and I had to go work and I had all these responsibilities?

It's a laugh riot.

- You don't have to hold the ladder, you know.

- I'm not gonna let you fall...

not on my watch.

- What?

[drill buzzing]

- Oh, hey, look at that. - Ooh.

- Ooh, cool move, cowboy.

- What, this?

I was born with a drill in my hand.

My family used to own a hardware store--

Sturgis and Sons?

- Oh.

- Yeah, for 59 years,

the name "Sturgis" was synonymous with tools--

well, until Cloud 9 moved in up the street,

and then a month later, we lost everything.

Hey, has anyone seen the laser level?

- Doesn't it make you a little angry to be working for them?

- Oh, I don't waste my time with anger.

- Oh.

- Look at that. I hit my finger.

[chuckles]

- That looked pretty serious.

- Did the lights go out?

- Oh, come on.

- Glenn, what's up with the lights?

I'm kind of in a rush.

- Actually, the lights are controlled by corporate.

- What?

- Every night at a certain time,

the lights dim, and the doors automatically lock.

- All the doors lock?

- Yep.

- Excuse me.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Are you kidding me?

- [grunts] Oh, God.

- Okay, the bad news is we're locked in.

Dina and I will go to my office

and look for the lock override code.

In the meantime, you guys keep putting up signs.

You can make a game out of it.

You can call the game "Signage Fever."

- I am not playing that game.

- Guys-- - No.

- You don't even know what I was gonna say.

- I know that every time you start a sentence

with, "Guys," you end it with,

"Let's make the best of this," or, "Let's have fun."

You never say, "Guys, this really sucks."

- Guys, we have the entire store to ourselves.

We could do whatever we want.

If we decide that this is gonna be fun,

then this is gonna be fun.

So, if you're with me, I will see all of you

in the fun zone.

- "Fun zone"?

- Sometimes I just really want to slap him.

- I think it was on one of these memos from corporate.

Here.

[sighs] "Union buzzwords." - "How to spot a union."

- "Anti-union activity."

- "What to do if you hear the word 'union.'"

- "Reporting union activity."

"List of toxic food recalls"?

I don't remember doing any food recalls.

- [gasps] - What?

- "Addendum of policy changes to employee handbook--

"relationships between supervisors and subordinates

no longer forbidden, now just strongly discouraged."

- Yeah, words. Oh, here it is.

"Please detach the accompanying card

and keep in a safe place."

And, look, I wrote, "Like in your car,"

and then I underlined "car."

Oh, that means it's just outsi--

Oh.

Okay, the bad news

is I left the card with the code in my glove compartment.

So I called my wife to come get it,

but we only have one car,

so she has to wait for her sister to come get her.

- You guys, there's someone out there.

- Oh, my God. Hey! Hey!

- Oh! Oh! [all shouting]

- Can you get something from my car?

- [inaudible]

all: Boop-boop-boop-- - We need a boop-boop-boop-boop.

[gunshots on television]

- Whoo!

You guys are missing out. - Mm.

What a unique experience it must be,

moving around a store on wheels.

- The key's above the tire.

Get card from glove compartment.

Bring card here.

- [inaudible]

[all cheering]

- Whoo! We're gonna get out of here!

- Yes! - Yes!

- Is it there? Is it there? - Wait, wait--oh, good.

Look, he's got the key.

- Why is he getting in the driver's seat?

- No, you don't need to start the engine

to open the glove compartment.

No, you don't need to move the car.

Wait. Where are you going?

Where's he going?

What the--where is the--

- Cruising through the fun zone--

- Hey, can you maybe--

- Whoo! Ha ha!

- Okay.

- Part of me's glad I missed the recital.

I've been looking forward to my senior dance

since sixth grade,

and it would've sucked to just sit there and watch.

I'm not saying that I regret this baby.

I just wish that I'd had it later...

or sooner, like a lot of my friends.

You know what I mean?

- Uh, I do, yes,

and I think each and every one of us has regrets.

I'll go next.

I regret doing Semester at Sea

instead of just picking one country

and really absorbing the culture.

Who else?

- Well, my only regrets are the times I overthought things

and didn't go for what I wanted.

- There you go. - I mean, why fight nature?

We're all just animals, right?

- I regret not rescuing my twin brother from that wave.

- So there you have it, guys.

We are learning lots about each other.

What about you, Ame?

What are you-- What's your biggest regret?

- I guess I regret not going to college

when I was younger so that I could have lots of stories

to annoy my coworkers with.

- Hey, well, at least it's quiet.

We don't have to listen to that stupid Muzak they make us play.

- I actually kind of like the music.

It makes me feel like I'm on hold all day.

- Glenn, you like everything about this store.

That's weird, man. - Well...

I don't like everything about this store.

Truth be told, the backsplash in the employee's bathroom--

it's, like, B-minus, at best.

- That's the only thing that bugs you about this company?

- Well, I guess the aisles are a bit too close together...

and sometimes the folks in charge

don't treat me like I'm a human being with feelings.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, that's a bummer.

- Sturgis and Sons was a community.

Customers would be like, "Hi, Glenn.

Do you have a screw in such-and-such a size?"

And I'd say, "I think so.

Maybe ask my dad."

It was paradise.

- You know what else I regret? That time--

- And then this chain moves in.

I mean, where do they get off? Keep us late in--

locked in the dark, you know,

all in service of the bottom line.

- Yeah. Go.

- I hate this tie. - Yeah.

- I hate this shirt!

- Okay. - Isn't that his shirt?

- Oh, you're going a little too far now.

- And I hate Regional Manager Dicky Larson,

but you know what I hate most of all?

I hate Cloud 9.

I hate Cloud 9.

[yells]

- What just happened?

- I think we broke Glenn.

- Oh, no, this is damaged.

Guess we can't sell these. Right.

It's a party, mother-fathers,

.

[laughter]

- You, you, you, you, you, you-- - That was good.

- Okay. - Mm-hmm.

- Never have I ever... - Uh-huh.

- Stocked ice cream.

- Okay, but-- You know, like that,

but, like, a little more edgy.

You know, like, not this, but,

"Never have I ever eaten human flesh."

Oh, no, no, no.

You drink if you have done it.

- Mm-hmm. I understand.

- I have another one.

Never have I ever hooked up in the store.

Really?

- You remember last week

when Jerusha came by to talk about the mortgage?

- Oh.

- In my office? - Yeah, boy.

- Gross. - Wait, wait. There's more.

We had sex.

- Yeah, man.

- Bo and I--

photo lab-- seven months ago.

all: Oh.

- Oh, my God, the photo lab is a great spot.

- Yeah. - What? Really?

- Yeah, it's dark. It's private.

Sometimes you get to see people's naked photos.

- When I first started here,

we just called the lab the "bang room"

because, you know...

the banging.

[softly] I banged in there.

- [softly] Okay.

- Really? - I did.

- So the photo lab, huh?

Cool. Cool, cool.

- Attention, Cloud 9--

This isn't working.

- You're not pushing the button.

- Oh.

- Attention, Cloud-- [feedback whines]

Wow.

I really suck at this. - Yeah.

- It's goin' down for real

- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

- [screams]

- Yeah, that's a strike.

- Come on.

Come on, come on. - Get him, get him, get him.

Fight.

[laughter]

- I feel alive.

- It's goin' down for real

- Hey, Cloud 9, it's a party.

- It's goin' down for real

Shake it, shake it

- We're gonna do this every Friday from now on.

- Go.

He may just beat Brett's record time.

Oh, a violent spill...

and right on to the zip line.

- Ooh. - Oh.

- Just give him a second. I think he's gonna be all right.

He's okay.

- It's goin' down for real

- Here we've got newcomer Mateo...

[cheers]

Sizzling in a fashion-forward take on Cloud 9 nightwear.

Work it, Mateo, and now we have Glenn,

rocking the Don't Let Him Near Your Children Collection.

Oh, shake what the good Lord gave you, Glenn,

and here's Myrtle, carrying a bicycle tire.

She doesn't seem to know what we're doing here,

but she is owning it.

Thank you, Myrtle.

- So, Amy, how are you feeling?

- I feel great. - Oh, yeah?

- [shouting] Usually when I get drunk, I talk really loud,

but I'm not doing it now.

- No, you're not!

- All right, everybody, up on your feet.

- * I can't feel my face when I'm with you *

But I love you

But I love you

Hey!

- Can you make me look like her? - Like a black woman?

I'm not a witch.

You don't need all that. You are pretty.

- Oh, I'm a solid 8.25.

In high school, I was voted third-prettiest girl

in my ROTC unit.

Pretty's not the problem.

- Just trust me.

- It's just, ever since my dad left me at that gas station,

it's so hard to trust.

- Okay, here we go.

[light instrumental music]

- You with the sad eyes

Don't be discouraged

Oh, I realize

It's hard to take courage

In a world full of people

You can lose sight of it all

And the darkness inside you

Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors - This is kind of tight.

- Shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors

True colors are shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid

- Hey, you.

- Dina.

Wow.

- True colors

Are beautiful

- I'm so proud of her. - Yeah.

- My anaconda don't

My anaconda don't

My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon

- Ooh, I did not see that coming,

but I should have.

- By the way, what he say

.

- "Relationships between supervisors

and subordinates is now just strongly discouraged."

It's not forbidden anymore.

This is not forbidden anymore.

- Uh, right. Yeah.

Uh, hmm.

Uh, but, you know, s--

alas, it is discouraged.

Besides, the idea of dating my boss...

Oof, I mean, the sexual politics are just so nuanced.

Otherwise, believe me, I am--

I would love to do...

everything there is to do.

- I was not expecting that.

- Yeah.

- But I do understand.

- Oh, great.

I mean, you know...

Great.

Okay, um... I'll see you out there.

- [exhales sharply]

Oh.

- Hey, what you doing up there?

Looks like you might get hurt.

- You don't get to tell me what to do.

- I wasn't telling you what to do.

- You are not my boss. I am your boss, college boy.

- I just thought maybe-- It's a little dangerous being--

- By the way,

I got into college too--

a good one--

when I was 18.

[imitates explosion]

- That's great. - I just got pregnant.

And then I got married, and then Adam had dreams,

and somebody had to pay the bills,

so here I am,

spinning around on this...

endless...

Oh, God.

[vomits]

- For what it's worth,

that was shaping up to be a really nice metaphor.

- [retches]

- Oh, I know. "Leave a message, and we'll never call you back."

Well, that fig ain't gonna fly tonight, baby.

This company's a sham.

You lock us in.

You control the music that we listen to.

Oh, and try this on for size.

The color difference in your signage is marginal.

Oh, and you can tell Dicky Larson

that he can suck my big, fat, sweaty toe.

- If you are satisfied with your message, press 1.

To erase and re-record, press 2.

- Hey, guys, everything's great.

Signs are all up-- really popping.

- [groans] - Come on.

It's good for you.

[sighs]

Glenn is right. This backsplash is unremarkable.

- I don't regret getting married.

- I never said that you regretted getting--

- Yeah, but you were thinking it.

Yeah, I wonder sometimes

what it would've been like if I had made other choices,

but...

you want to know what I really regret?

- That last shot of Sambuca?

- [scoffs] Forget it.

You're the last person I should be telling this to.

- Wait. Why am I the last--

- [vomits]

- This is a weird night.

Okay.

[beeps]

- See ya.

- Ooh.

Oh, it is good to be outside.

I'm gonna go home and play some video games.

- I'm hungry. - You want breakfast?

My shift starts in 20. I can get you free coffee.

- Ooh, pancakes.

- I can't believe I have to take a midterm on zero sleep

and totally hungover.

- College.

- [scoffs] Yep, college.

- Glenn.

- Oh, thank God. I thought I was gonna have

to hang these things by myself.

- I'm requesting a demotion... - What?

- To associate level-- personal reasons.

- Wha--wha--what?

- And, yeah, that's gonna be a two-person job.

- Why are you dressed like my mother?