Original subtitles

- And that's pretty much it for this morning.

[birds screeching] Except remember to be

on the lookout for jilted lovers.

We'd like to break the streak of revenge stabbings

this Valentine's.

Any questions?

- We can't hear anything you're saying.

- What?

- We can't hear anything you're saying!

- I'm sorry. I--I'm having a hard time

hearing you over the birds.

- Maybe Dina shouldn't have brought

her loud, dirty birds into work.

- The birds are suffering severe separation anxiety.

What am I supposed to do? Leave them home alone?

- I mean, traditionally, that is what you do with pets.

[clanging, screeching]

- If Dina can bring in her birds,

I'd like to bring in my cat. He's very sick with dysentery.

- This is insane. It smells

like Toucan Sam's butthole!

- Just because you eat something fruity,

doesn't make your butt smell fruity.

- For birds, it does.

Small berries pass through them virtually undigested.

- Okay, good meeting, everyone!

all: What?

[upbeat music]

- Attention Cloud 9 shoppers,

today we celebrate St. Valentine,

a priest who was beaten, stoned,

dragged through town, and decapitated.

Some say the color red represents the pools of blood

around his body.

Cute teddy bears are 15% off.

- What are you getting me for Valentine's Day?

- Is it Valentine's Day?

- Mm-hmm. You didn't get me something?

- Do you have any Valentine's Day cards

for my wife

that are cheaper than this?

- Well, that one's a dollar, so, no.

- Forget it. I'll just text her.

- Love is in the air.

- Oh, come on!

Don't go all cynical on me. This is a big day.

This is our first Valentine's as... daters?

Not really a good word for an adult relationship.

- No, boyfriend/girlfriend makes us sound like

we're in 8th grade.

- [chuckles] Lovers is gross.

- Ugh. Partners?

- What are we, lesbians that own a candle shop together?

- Fair point.

- My main squeeze? - Don't do that again.

- No? - No.

- You don't like that, main squeeze?

- I don't like that, main squeeze.

- Give me a squeeze.

- How much would it be for just one Post-It?

I don't need the whole pack.

- It's not how it works.

- If any of you guys don't have plans,

I'm going to an anti-Valentine's Day party

tonight with some college kids.

Should be a ton of ween and the flyer says

no one shall be turned away.

- I'll go.

Jerry's working late again tonight,

so I'm on my own. - Wow, again.

It's funny that a sign spinner

would keep those kinds of hours.

- I know. - Sandra?

Do you have any plans for tonight?

- Nope. Nuh-uh.

Not seeing anyone,

so I'm just gonna hang alone in the ol' apartmentito.

- So sad. - Isn't it?

- Hey, Dana?

So I don't know what you thought you saw

me and Jerry doing during the blizzard.

- Oh, I know what I saw.

It was like Winnie the Pooh with his head in the honeypot.

- What had happened was I had spilled coffee on my pants,

so I took them off to dry, and Jerry came over to help,

but he tripped and tipped over into my crotch, so--

- Stop, please.

I'm not gonna tell anyone about your little affair.

- Okay, thank you. I hate having secrets,

although the sneaking around has made it even sexier.

- Nope, nope, nope. That's gross.

- He comes over every night,

and sometimes we make lasagna together

and eat it off each other's bodies.

- Elias, I'm gonna need you to clean up the vomit

that's gonna be all over the ladies' bathroom

in about three minutes.

Go on.

- Everyone's calm. No eye contact.

- Seems like a lot of work just to buy some chips.

- I'm not gonna let some stupid birds

stop me from getting my morning Takis.

- You know we sell Takis in the store, right?

- Uh-huh, but I like the little ones

that come out of the vending machine.

- Aww, I like learning about your little rituals.

- So you want Cheyenne to tattoo your mom's face

on your back as a gift to your mom?

- Yeah, I was gonna go to a pro,

but you cannot get an appointment

at a tattoo parlor on Valentine's Day.

- Don't worry, my instructor says

that I'm the best in the class.

He was trained by the guy who did Steve-O's back.

- I'm sorry, I'm still not over this.

You want a tattoo of your mom, for your mom,

on Valentine's Day. Why?

- 'Cause I'm her special guy,

and the tattoo will be a surprise

for when she scratches my back while I fall asleep.

Don't make this weird. - Yeah, I made it weird.

- Which sweater makes me look more like a wise dad,

the charcoal or the smoke?

- Hmm, I think the charcoal.

- [scoffs] That's the smoke.

[chuckles] Dina's right, you don't know fashion.

- Okay. Well, what do you need them for?

- Oh, I'm making videos of myself for Rose to watch

when I'm not home 'cause, you know,

I work here 16 to 19 hours a day,

so I'm missing a lot of time with her.

- Wait, what--why?

Why are working that many hours?

- Well, you know, I get here around 4:00 a.m.

to walk the store,

and then there's the workday, and then after closing,

it takes me two hours to prepare my script

for the next morning's break room meeting.

- Those are pre--prepared comments?

- No, I just come up with all that

off the top of my head.

Come on, Amy.

[birds screeching] - Careful, careful.

- I'm being careful.

I don't need you to tell me to be careful.

All right, here we go.

[grunts]

- Nice job. - All right.

You see, the trick is steady hands.

I was gonna be a surgeon, but--

- Oh, no! - Whoa!

- Uh, nope. Uh, oh. No. Uh-uh.

- No, no, no, no. Get the birds!

- I know!

[birds screeching]

[birds screeching]

[people yelling]

- No thank you, no thank you, no thank you.

- Wait, stop it! No!

[grunting]

- No. No, wait.

[crowd clamoring]

The birds are out! Lock all the doors!

They're getting away!

Shut the doors! It's not too late!

Oh, God! No!

Don't let them get away!

- Oh, my God! - Come back!

Oh, no! The doors! Please!

Ah! My babies!

[birds screeching] No!

.

- Sebastian! Where are you?

[mimicking bird squawking]

Cockatrice!

I'm here, baby!

Birdie! [mimicking bird squawking]

- Ugh, I feel so bad for her.

It's like with kids, you know?

You can be the best parent,

and then one day you forget to lock the cage,

and they're gone.

I don't put my kids in cages. That's...

- It wasn't Dina, it was Garret.

- What? - Yeah, it was a mistake.

Uh, he wanted these Takis. It's--you had to be there,

but anyway, he--he cracked the door open,

and the birds just all flew out.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

- Hey, can you two stop scissoring each other

for one second and help me call my birds?

- Yes, sure.

[all mimic bird noises]

- Happy Valentine's Day.

- Ooh, I thought you weren't seeing anyone.

- It's not--I mean, it's kind of a--

it's just--it's complicated.

- [chuckles]

- What are you laughing at?

- Oh, I was just remembering the time you wanted everyone

to think you had a boyfriend, so you kept sending yourself

Valentine's gifts from Jeff.

- I didn't send this to myself.

- [gasps] There's a card.

- No, wait. No, no.

- "To my Sandy Bear, love Antonio Lasagna."

That's a--such a distinctive, real-sounding name.

- It's Italian, probably. It sounds Italian.

- Mm-hmm. - Yup.

- Now, this book is one

that Nana Sturgis used to read to me

when I was little.

It's called "You Can Do It."

[middle of the road music]

"Jimmy wants to be an astronaut

"and fly a rocket to space.

"You can do it, Jimmy!

"Polly wants to be an astronaut's wife

"and keep the house tidy the way Jimmy likes it.

You can do it, Polly."

Wow, I have not read this in a while.

Um, what else we got?

"Midget Sam Goes To Darkest Africa," no.

"Get To Know The Orientals"?

[buzz] - Oh, man! Oh, God!

You do not get used to that pain!

Oh! But it'll all be worth it for that look at my mom's face

when she takes my shirt off.

- Totally, totally!

[both chuckle]

[groans]

- Uh, can you hang on for a second?

I just have to tell Mateo something before I forget.

- Oh, oh. - [whispering] Hey.

I [bleep] up.

- What are you talking about?

- Marcus's tattoo. It's way harder than I thought.

- I thought you were taking classes.

- I am, but so far, I've only tattooed grapefruits,

and I thought it would be the same, but it's not!

The skin is all mushy and bleed-y.

- Girl, don't be so hard up on yourself, okay?

I'm sure it's not nearly as bad as you--[shrieks].

- What?

- That is just so amazing.

Um, is your mother a model?

- Uh, kind of. She used to wear

the Fredbird costume for the Cardinals.

- [chuckles]

I can see that.

- Wow, that's a lot. - Yeah, what do you think?

I had to take down that poster of that missing kid,

but I mean at this point...

[sighs] I never should've left them in that cheap cage

with that crap lock.

This is why workplaces need

secure, dedicated aviaries.

- Dina, you can't really blame yourself.

- That's sweet of you to say,

but I have to take responsibility for what I did.

I let my birds escape,

and I to live with that for the rest of my life.

- Um, no, Dina--

- No, it's fine. It's fine.

I'm already getting used to the feeling.

It's just like a-- like a searing gnawing

deep inside my soul.

It's very, very specific.

Um, oops! [chuckles]

Out of flyers.

[middle of the road music]

♪

- I feel guilty about the birds.

- Okay. - I just...

I just kind of need to talk to a friend.

- Oh, oh, well, I'm a friend, so talk away.

- It's just this is, like, the worst thing I've ever done,

and I have no idea what Dina's going to do

if she finds out that it was me.

- Oh, listen, you--you do not have to worry about that, okay?

Because I am not gonna tell her.

This is a secret that stays amongst friends.

- No, I--I--I know I can trust you.

I mean, it's not like you're going to run off

and tell Amy or anything like that.

- Oh, uh, Amy--Amy too.

I mean, uh, of--of course Amy too.

That's--nobody needs to know.

- You haven't told her, right?

- [mumbling] Mm-mm.

Oh, hey! Hey, hey. I was looking for you.

- I was looking for you.

- You haven't said anything to Dina

about Garrett yet, have you?

- No, but we have to tell her.

- Uh, no, actually, we--we can't.

- No, no. We have to.

She's thinks she's the one who let the birds loose.

- Uh, yeah, okay, yeah and that sucks,

but I wasn't supposed to say anything to you

in the first place, so now you can't say anything.

- So, I'm sorry, I'm supposed to just let her go on

beating herself up when it wasn't really her fault?

- Uh, exactly. - No! I can't do that.

How am I supposed to do that? - Just pretend you don't know.

- But I do know. - That's why I said pretend.

- Excuse me,

this card has a frog and a bear kissing each other.

- Very good, yeah. - What's next,

kangaroos and sharks having full on anal sex?

Shame.

- Wow.

How's it going back there?

- It's... good.

- It's really turning into something.

- Uh, need more ink.

- [groans]

- What do I do? - Can't you just cover it up?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

I'll just turn it into a top hat

and then tattoo his mom's face underneath,

and then that way it's like she's a magician, huh?

How's that? - [scoffs]

You've never been sarcastic with me before.

I don't care for it.

- It's tough to watch, huh? - Yeah, it's terrible.

- I just wish there was something we can do for her,

make her not blame herself so much.

- Yeah, I wish we-- I can do that too.

- Hey, what are y'all two fools

talking about, huh? Stuff?

- Nothing. - Dina.

- Dina? What are you saying about Dina?

- Nothing, just that I wish we knew how her birds got out,

'cause she thinks it was her fault.

- Well, it probably is her fault, for all we know.

- Yup, none of us were there.

- Nope.

- You told her, didn't you? - I did not.

- Yes, he did. - Amy!

- Dude, I trusted you! - I trusted her!

- Fine, you both messed up.

- What about you? - What did I do?

- ♪ All this love

♪ Is waiting for you my baby ♪

all quartet: ♪ Keep the love-light glowing ♪

♪ In your eyes so true

- How much is it costing her to keep this up?

- It's so sad. I love it.

all quartet: ♪ Let me call you, sweetheart ♪

♪ I'm in love with you

[rattling]

- What are you doing?

- Not gonna need this stuff anymore.

- I mean, they might still come back.

They--birds have, like,

a great sense of direction, right?

- They don't know where the store is.

They could be halfway to Mexico by now.

That's assuming they didn't find their way

into a jet engine or an archery event

or a really clear window,

all because of me.

- Look, Dina, the fact is that, um--

- Although, I guess it is possible

they could find their way back to my apartment.

- It is? - Yeah.

I mean, a few of them could've found their way,

and the rest just followed.

- Well, that's awesome.

Let's go check it out right now.

- Wow, you really care about this, huh?

- You have no idea. Come on, let's go. Let's go!

- When a man and a woman

go into a bedroom with God,

and they... [patting]

There comes a moment of, uh--

between that is holy and...

[buzz] - [sobbing]

- Ow!

No!

Oh!

- [clears throat]

- Wow, that--that sure is something.

- It's a work in progress.

- You think my mom will be surprised?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's going to be...

shocked.

- [chuckles] Hey Jonah,

wanna see what my mom looks like on my back?

- No, thanks. I'm busy.

- [scoffs]

- Drama. - Excuse me.

- [exhaling]

All right, let's keep going.

Oh.

[buzz]

Ow! Oh, God! Why?

- Are you actually mad at me?

- A little bit, yeah.

- Wow, okay, well,

I'm not really that happy with you either.

- Great, it should be an exciting Valentine's dinner.

- You can't expect me to side with Garrett over Dina.

- I was expecting you to side with me over Dina.

- Why? Because you're my boyfriend?

- Yeah, pretty much. That's how it works.

- Well, not for me.

- Great, well, if you love Dina so much,

why don't you go to dinner with her tonight then, huh?

- Oh great, just go on and be a dick.

- Oh, come on.

- Of course I don't love Dina. I love you.

- Yeah, well, I love you too,

but that has nothing to do with what we're talking about,

and I'm pretty sure we both just said

that we love each other. - Yeah, I know what we said!

- Well, I'm glad you're listening.

- Portobello! Squeedledee!

Russell Crow, where are you guys?

Follow my voice!

- Garrett, it's okay.

They're gone.

- Damn it!

- Wow, you're almost as upset about this as I am.

- Yeah, man, I--I love those guys.

- Guess I'm going to have to get used to being alone.

- No, Dina, you're not alone.

I mean...

I'm here.

- Thank you.

You're a really good friend.

- No. No, I'm not.

Look, Dina, um...

I need to, um...

[sighs]

I guess I wanted to, um...

I wanted to give you this.

- Why are you giving me $17?

- 'Cause, uh, I thought that you needed it.

- Well, you're just full of surprises.

Thank you.

- You know what? No, look, here's the deal.

This was not what I was--

whoa, whoa, whoa! Dina, what are you doing?

- I just--I just don't want to think about the birds

right now.

[rustling]

You're into this, right?

- Uh-huh. - All right.

[smooch]

- You're--you're just not taking your clothes off.

- Uh, uh, eh, that gets me horny.

- That's new. Hot.

.

- Thanks, not just for the sex--

but, I mean, it was decent.

- Sure.

- I mean...

thanks for being so supportive.

I guess we'll always be there for each other, huh?

- Yup.

- I mean, it was better than decent.

It just wasn't great.

You know, it was fine.

If it were a meal, it would be like,

"Oh, that's done."

You know?

Did I climax? Sure.

Ah, this is good.

I think as soon as this is done,

I am going to be ready for round deux.

[munch]

- Now you're probably in a lot of pain right now,

so you're probably not seeing it right.

- That's a good point.

It you can see it how we're seeing it,

it's even better than this.

- Yeah, and--and the reason for the hat is because

moms today have to wear so many different hats,

or, like, one big hat.

- [muttering]

- What was that?

- [muttering] What have you done to me?

- Huh? - I'm sorry.

- [shouting] What have you done to me?

- So to review, you released Dina's birds into the wild,

allowed her to believe it was her fault,

persuaded her to go back to her apartment,

and proceeded to have sex with her in exchange for $17?

- Twice. We did it twice.

- What is wrong with you?

- I just wanted some Takis, you know?

Rolled up tortilla chips, bit of flavor in the morning,

and then everything just escalated.

- You know, as your friend, I'd ask you

to consider your part in this,

which is all of it. This is all your fault.

- Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna tell her.

- No! - Good.

- No! Absolutely not!

She must never know any of this.

- You were the one who said he should be telling her.

- Yes, but that was before!

Before I was the friend who sat idly by

while her birds' murderer went off and sympathy-sexed her

at her lowest moment.

Absolutely not! No, sir! She will not know any of this!

- Wait a second, so I'm supposed to sit around

with this for the rest of my life?

I can't live with that kind of guilt.

- Well, too bad!

Find a way.

- While I have you,

um, we said we love each other,

so pretty cool.

I'll fill you in on the details later.

- Sandra, are you sure

you don't wanna come to the party?

It's going to be, like, dong central.

- That sounds really fun, but no thank you.

- Take the hint, Justine.

She obviously has big plans tonight

with Antonio Lasagna.

- Well, if you wanna crush some dong, call me.

- They better have food at this party.

- Actually, they told me I had to bring pizzas.

- I really hate her.

- Me too, Sandy Bear.

- [chuckles]

- Rose, I am so sorry

I couldn't be there for your wedding day,

but I am so happy for you and your husband--

or--or wife or sex android.

I--I don't know what the future is like.

Just don't make

the same mistakes I made, you know?

Spending all your time at work and missing out

on these precious moments.

I mean, if I could go back in time

and do it all over again,

I...

huh.

I think I'm done being manager.

- So where are we going to dinner?

- It's a surprise.

- Is it that tapas place I love?

It's that tapas place I love.

- You guys heading out? - Yeah, going to dinner.

- Oh, that sounds fun.

I'd go with you but, uh, I've got to deal with the birds

and their medicine and...

[chuckles] Wow, I guess I don't

have to deal with any of that anymore.

You know what? I can go with you.

- Oh, yeah, well-- - Oh, wow, that's perfect.

- So where we headed?

- Uh, it's this place off of 44 called Barrel and Sage,

kind of a, um, small plates tapas thing.

- Not gonna work for me. Not enough vegan options.

I do know of a grocery store that has tables,

that way we can all do our own thing.

[gasps] Or, oh, have you guys ever been to Super Tofu?

It's not great, but you do not need reservations.

There's never anyone there.

I mean, it smells bad,

but you get used to it as the meal progresses.

[crunching]

[Universal fanfare]