Original subtitles

LAINEY: Nothing burns quite as hot as your first love.

For me, that was Barry Goldberg.

I thought we were gonna last forever, but life had other plans.

When I left Jenkintown, I thought our story was over,

but I was wrong.

After almost a decade, I was shocked

when Barry dropped back into my life.

One, two, three, four...

* I would walk five hundred miles

* And I would walk five hundred more

* Just to be the one who walks a thousand miles

* To fall down at your door

* Ba-da, da, da, da, ba-da, da, da, da

* Ba-da, da, da, da, ba-da, da, da, da *

Barry! What are you doing here?

Just surprising my favorite girl in the world.

Yes, I'm familiar. You've been surprising me all week.

Please, just give me one minute. Fine.

Okay, just hear me out. No, you hear me out.

All this stuff may have worked in high school, okay, but everything's changed.

We're, like, adults now.

That's my point.

Everything I've done since high school

has been in preparation for this very moment.

What are you talking about?

I graduated New York Med,

I finished my internship, my residency,

and now I'm gonna be a radiologist, dude!

I gotta admit, it's all very surprising.

Exactly. I am an adult.

And I promised myself, the moment I got to this place I'd come back.

For you.

That is so sweet.

So that's a yes? You'll move to Detroit with me?

Wait, what? Detroit.

It's a pretty big city in Michigan.

It's where Axel Foley lives.

I know what Detroit is. Why would I ever move there?

It's where my fellowship is. It's just a few years.

Bar, this is a lot to take in.

Lemme think about it, okay?

As a doctor I'm used to doing things "stat," but okay.

CB: (SIGHS) Yeesh.

Detroit, huh? You heard all that?

Well, it's kinda hard not to.

He screams everything he says.

I can't just move to Michigan.

I've built a whole life here.

Great! So it sounds like it's settled!

But he's also so charming and passionate,

and, my God, a radiologist?

I don't even know what that is.

Well, I guess I'd say, you know,

don't rush into a decision,

'cause you never know when someone else

is gonna come along and capture your heart.

Ha, ha! Gotta go!

**

(HUMMING)

(KEYS JINGLE)

Hello! Mother!

Oh!

I've been watching you, bro,

and I know what's going on.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you and Lainey.

And how you two are clearly just friends! Oh!

I can tell this is that rare case

where you're a guy who isn't a threat to my relationship at all.

Yeah, that's me. No threat.

What are you doing in my car?

Dude, I gotta get Lainey back.

You're her best friend here.

In the name of love, will you help me?

If I say yes, will you get out of my car?

I knew I could count on you, Bee Bop.

It's CB. Okay.

**

Oh, my gosh.

**

Who runs like that?

* One of these days, you're gonna get outta here

* Live your life and finally be free

* Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do

* Someday, you will say "Those were the days" *

LAINEY: It was May 8th, 1990-something,

and graduation was right around the corner.

Which meant another big event was coming up...

Prank week! It is upon us!

And God only knows

the chaos those students are planning.

So we've all got to be on high alert

to make sure those punks don't make fools of us again.

Am I right? Wrong!

Look, I know that Earl Ball used to crack down on prank week,

but as your new, progressive leader I think we should...

Immediately impose oppressive security measures!

Did you really think that's where I was going?

No.

Which is why I had to wedge my idea in there.

Look, if we create an environment of playful fun

and send the message that we're cool with safe pranks,

everyone comes out a winner.

"Safe pranks"?

This is madness!

No! It's to empower the students!

Okay, come on. There's got to be someone here

who gets what I'm trying to do.

I'm sorry. Uh, who are you?

Rod Borton.

I'm a representative of the school's Board of Regents.

I'm just observing for the day.

Little faculty evaluation, huh? Which teacher?

Just observing.

So you can't tell us?

I would just continue on as if I wasn't here.

**

That observer is here for you!

Uh, yeah, that was pretty obvious.

But it's fine. My record is spotless.

Oh, yeah, sure, you've had some wins,

but you've also done some things that people might find...

Questionable. Like what?

Well, you rigged a school election.

Unsuccessfully.

You started a Fight Club.

Which had great attendance!

You also blew up half the science lab.

Hello? It's called an "experiment"...

The whole point is you don't know what will happen.

Stop spinning your clear failures as giant success!

Rick, that's just who I am.

I'm Ol' positive Glascott. (CHUCKLES)

OPG.

Hey, that's a cool nickname.

Can you get that started for me?

Maybe. In the meantime, keep an eye out for the spy.

Appreciate the concern, buddy.

But I got nothing to worry about.

**

Hey, do you want to grab lunch in the caf?

I'm sorry. I promised Barry that I'd pop over to Chi-Chi's

for a quick chimichanga break.

What? Why?

He approached me in an unconventional manner, but we hit it off.

Unreal!

The guy just shows up out of the blue

and thinks he can insert himself back into my life!

Dude has no boundaries!

That's pretty clear. But in a sweet way.

The big sweaty monster just loves me so much.

Ugh! It's so confusing!

Very odd.

What is?

That you befriended the ex

of the very woman that you likey.

Okay, I don't know where you heard that from,

but that is 100% categorically false.

Susan Cinamon blabbed big time.

Damn her!

Well, maybe I likey,

but once my plan goes into effect,

Lainey Lewis will likey me backy.

I'm shockingly interested. Go on.

Barry wants me to help win Lainey back,

but instead of helping Barry,

I'm gonna do some Grade A saba-tayge!

You mean sabotage?

Oh, yes. Saba-tayge.

I'm tired of being the good boy who doesn't get the girl.

So, instead, I'm gonna be the bad boy who does get the girl.

Didn't think you had it in you, kid!

Saba-tayge!

Stop it. That's not how it's pronounced.

It's sabotage.

That's what we're saying. Saba-tayge.

Sabotage!

**

Saba-tayge.

LAINEY: And so, in the name of love,

CB was gonna push Barry into an over-the-top romantic gesture

he knew would end in disaster.

**

Balloon ride... Bigger.

...plane ride... Bigger.

...dolphin ride... Bigger.

...rainbow ride... (IMITATES BUZZER)

...and dragon ride.

I've only got one problem with it. It's not big enough.

Wait! I know exactly what to do.

Is it big? Tell me it's big.

It is so big, it is small. Wha?

Lainey says I haven't grown up.

Maybe I just take her to coffee

so I can discuss my feelings with her like a mature adult.

You sound like an idiot right now.

You want grown-up? I got the perfect idea.

The a cappella concert is on Friday.

It's incredibly important to Lainey,

so what better time to take the spotlight

and serenade her in front of everyone?

That is perfect. I'll need backup.

Time to assemble the JTP. The who?

LAINEY: So, for the first time in years,

Barry sounded his three-letter call-to-action.

JTP!

JTP!

LAINEY: Geoff Schwartz was in.

**

BOTH: JTP!

JTP!

LAINEY: Naked Rob was in.

TOGETHER: JTP!

JTP!

LAINEY: Matt Bradley was in.

As you can see, our sales of stepping stools,

cash flow is... ALL: (MUFFLED) JTP!

JTP!

LAINEY: And Andy Cogan was in.

He's fired.

Barry had gotten the backup he needed. But Principal Glascott...

(WHISTLING) ...feeling he was under the microscope,

looked for help in Felicia's 90210 Club.

ALL: (CHANTING) Donna Martin graduates!

Coast is clear.

(TV CLICKS)

Everybody get out except for my niece.

But how will we know if Donna Martin does indeed graduate?

I'm dealing with real-world problems here, Tom Scott.

Buh-bye! Bye!

Thank you for coming.

Thank you all.

What the hell?

Listen, I need you to tell me

what the senior prank is gonna be. No.

Please? I'm not gonna ruin it.

I just need to know that it's harmless fun.

No. (GROANS)

Oh, no. It's him.

Don't look! He's a spy from the Board of Regents.

Quick, pretend I said something funny.

(BOTH CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

I don't get it. Is he spying to see if you're funny?

Just go with it.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

He's buying it. Now tell me what the prank is.

We stole Central High's mascot, Jerry the Goat,

and we're gonna put him in your office.

Oh, ho, ho, now, that's some classic harmless fun.

(JERRY BLEATS)

Oh, God, this was supposed to be harmless fun!

He bit Johnny Atkins in the face.

That's not cool at all!

Maybe we should call animal control?

Not while I'm under the microscope.

I'll handle this myself.

**

Here, goaty, goaty.

Here, goaty, goaty.

Yeah, that's right.

**

(DOOR CLOSES) (JERRY BLEATS)

Okay, everyone.

Your Head of School has done his job

and trapped the angry goat in our new state-of-the-art computer lab.

(CRASH, JERRY BLEATS)

(JERRY BLEATS)

I hope this doesn't look bad!

(CRASHING CONTINUES)

LAINEY: Glascott's shot at a good job review was shrinking,

while I was ready for my kids' biggest performance of the year.

And so I proudly present The Quaker's Dozen.

(APPLAUSE)

Attention, parents and choir.

Barry, what the hell, dude?

Lainey Lewis, you are the love of my life,

and I'd do anything to be with you again.

* Dum, dum, dum, da, da, dum Even walk 500 miles.

* Dum, dum, dum, da, da, dum Barry, no.

* Dum, dum, dum, da, da, dum

* Dum, dum, dum, da, da, dum * When I wake up

LAINEY: And just like that, CB's plan of saba-tayge was put into action.

And it worked better than he could ever imagine.

* Ba-da, da, da, da, ba-da, da, da, da

* Ba-da, da, da, da, ba-da, da, da, da

* Ba-da dum, diddle dum, diddle dum, diddle da, da, da

* Ba-da, da, da, da, ba-da, da, da, da * When I...

* Ba-da, da, da, da, ba-da, da, da, da

No, I'm supposed to sing now!

* Ba-da dum, diddle dum, diddle dum, diddle da, da, da Don't do it again!

* Ba-da, da, da, da, ba-da, da, da, da It's really hard to stop.

Guys, please.

* Ba-da, da, da, da

* Ba-da dum, diddle dum, diddle dum, diddle da, da, da

We're stuck in the song!

* Ba-da, da, da, da * Dear God, shut up!

What are you doing?

All these parents came to hear the kids, not you idiots!

But I know for a fact you'd be moving with me to Detroit right now

if we hadn't gotten stuck in that insane loop!

Barry, I have a life here.

This is what's important to me.

It just proves that you don't care

and you haven't grown up at all.

**

LAINEY: Principal's Glascott's

idea of a harmless prank week had gotten out of hand,

and the Board of Regents were not pleased.

Thousands of dollars' worth of computers destroyed.

It's not my fault.

The goat was only supposed to be in my office, but he's a curious sort.

Wait, wait, wait. You knew about this prank ahead of time?

Uhh... Do you know what'll happen

when the board finds out you knew? What are you saying?

I have to reinstate myself as Head of School!

What? (WHISPERING) I'm sorry. He's watching me, too.

(NORMAL VOICE) The board is going to do a full review

to determine your future as Head of School.

I don't even get to see those kids graduate?

No, John. No.

The board has spoken, and I support them fully.

(WHISPERING) Did he just write that down?

Because I'm saying really great stuff about the board.

(WHISPERING) He did not.

**

Attention, students and faculty.

I have a brief announcement to make.

Effective immediately,

I will be taking a leave of absence,

and Earl Ball will be your new Head of School.

Oh, no. Poor John.

Long overdue.

My friend needs me!

This is what's best for the school,

and, honestly, it's what's best for me.

Hang in there, Johnny!

I'm sure I will be welcoming many of you back in the fall,

except for you seniors,

who I will not see graduate.

It's okay, pal.

It's okay. Rick is here, and he's gonna fix this.

We both know it's over for me.

Well, in that case, I got something I want to say to you.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, is gonna miss you more than me.

Because you're my best friend!

GLASCOTT: You're my best friend, too.

COACH MELLOR: Ah, would you mind if I gave you

the strongest, most loving hug on the planet right now?

GLASCOTT: It would be an honor, sir.

COACH MELLOR: Put your heart against mine.

Twits.

(SIGHS)

John. (GLASCOTT SOBBING)

(EXHALES DEEPLY) Oh, yes, Rick?

COACH MELLOR: Why is that red light on?

GLASCOTT: Oh... (BLEEP)

(WHISTLING)

CB. Aah!

What the... Why are you people in my car?

We thought someone should sit up front,

but Barry said it would "ruin the elegance."

And it would have.

Barry lost his greatest love today.

I'm sorry. Why are you all here?

I just wanted to say thank you. For helping me out.

You didn't have to, but you did.

Just like we look out for each other in the JTP.

TOGETHER: JTP.

That's why I wanted to announce that, forevermore,

you, CB, are also a member of the Jenkintown Posse.

I'm still not exactly clear on what the posse is, but thank you?

Look, none of this went the way I wanted,

but at the very least...

I made a good friend.

Oh, I don't know if I'm that good.

Lainey told me you're like the best person she knows, and she was right.

I'm sorry.

Me too. Really thought your plan would work.

JTP.

OTHERS: JTP.

You're supposed to say it with us.

JTP?

That was bad. Yeah, man.

You just sound uncomfortable.

See, you really need to read the energy of everybody and try to match it.

I'll work on that.

Yeah, you got it. Yeah.

**

Uncle J, this is bull crap!

They can't just let you go because a goat bit our janitor.

They didn't do this, Felicia.

I did.

This isn't fair!

C'mon, Coach. You gotta do something.

This is one thing teachers can't fix.

**

You're right.

We'll fix it ourselves.

**

ALL: (CHANTING) John Glascott graduates us!

This is madness.

I need all of you to get out there and shut this down.

No can do, Ball.

The young have tasted the power of protest, and they are savoring it.

Where'd they even get this stupid idea from?

From a girl named Donna Martin,

who attends a school so elite

they have their own valet parking.

West Beverly High.

Huh?

(CHANTING) Donna Martin graduates!

Wait, these actors are supposed to be teenagers?

'Cause that guy's clearly 35.

Don't ruin this for us, Liz.

As you can see, the entire student body

banded together to help someone

who was deeply wronged by the administration.

Oh, my. What happened?

Their rich friend was suspended

because she showed up drunk at the prom.

Ah.

Look, I love John just as much as you guys,

but my hands are tied.

I'm sorry. He's not coming back.

Well, it's a damn shame to hear that, Earl.

Because neither are we. Excuse me?

You heard those kids.

John Glascott graduates us. What?

John Glascott graduates us. You?

John Glascott graduates us.

I'm so confused.

John Glascott graduates us.

Okay, stop.

And even though this dramatic display makes no sense whatsoever,

clearly, the man made an impact,

not only on you, but on those kids.

Ah, screw it.

And I don't even care what the creepy lurking nerd thinks.

I'm going to tell the board Glascott stays or we all go.

Hey.

You know I can hear you!

You heard the nerd part?

I heard it all.

But I agree about Glascott.

Guy grows on you.

He really does.

LAINEY: CB's sabotage had worked.

I'd rejected Barry.

But, turns out, neither of us felt good about it.

Hey. Hi.

Do you have a sec to talk?

Sure. But what's the point?

You talk, I listen, love dies, the end.

Look, you wouldn't be this upset

if you didn't want to be with this guy.

So I think you really need to ask yourself

what it is that... I want Barry.

Okay, you answered super fast,

so maybe you should think it over and...

I love him.

But maybe there's a sliver... He's the one!

But... It's him.

Okay, now you're not even answering me.

You're just talking over me.

Look, I've always known I was supposed to be with Barry.

But be with him in Michigan?

I can't just leave.

Working here, getting to know you and the other teachers,

you're like my family now.

Look...

You know, some people spend their whole lives

trying to find "the one."

And if Barry is that person to you,

I'll help you fix it.

You would do that for me?

I'd do anything for you.

But I rejected him.

Hard. In public.

Trust me, Barry is not gonna want to hear from me.

Well, I'm a member of the TJP now,

so he'll listen to me.

**

LAINEY: CB promised that he'd get Barry to give me a second chance,

and he knew exactly how to convince him.

The school wants to name me "Athlete of the Century"?

Yup.

Look at everyone who signed this!

Glascott, Coach Mellor, Earl Ball!

Rookie sensation Allen Iverson?

Flyers power forward Eric Lindros?

All names I assumed you'd know.

Life is weird.

On the one hand, I'm about to receive this great honor,

and on the other,

Lainey broke my heart into a million pieces,

and now I'm gonna spend the rest of my life sad, angry, and alone.

We should head out.

Okay.

Man, this has been a very mixed century for me.

I cannot wait to meet Allen Iverson!

But first, there's something I think you should see.

Lainey?

What's all this?

It's a yes.

One, two, three, four.

(QUAKER'S DOZEN VOCALIZING)

**

* When I wake up, yeah, I know I'm gonna be

* I'm gonna be the one who wakes up next you

* When I go out, yeah, I know I'm gonna be

* I'm gonna be the one who goes along with you

* But I would walk 500 miles

* And I would walk 500 more

* Just to be the one who walks a thousand miles

* To fall down at your door

* Ba-da, da, da, da * Ba-da, da, da, da

* Ba-da, da, da, da * Ba-da, da, da, da

* Ba-da dum, diddle dum, diddle dum, diddle da, da, da *

(CHUCKLES) See?

It's a good song when you don't get stuck in a loop.

Well, that's where I've been.

In a loop with you.

It's always been you, and here we are again.

What changed your mind?

CB reminded me if you're lucky enough to find "the one,"

you better not let go.

JTP.

JTP.

(VOCALIZING STOPS) Look, I love you.

And that means I can't ask you to leave.

You're an amazing teacher, and you belong here.

What does that mean for us?

We're not kids anymore.

We'll figure it out.

Yeah, we will.

* When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be

* I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next you

* When I go out, yeah, I know I'm gonna be

Ahh, missed the old swivel chair.

Looks good on ya, boss.

I gotta admit,

I was shocked when the board asked me to come back.

Well, when they saw all those kids taking a stand for you,

it was hard to deny you belong here.

You really think so?

Is that microphone off?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

I do.

You're a great boss,

and an even better friend.

(VOICE BREAKING) Damn it, you're gonna make me cry again.

Um, hi.

Hi. Hi.

You should get yourself together, Uncle J.

You don't want the whole school to see you like that.

Whole school?

* Ba-da dum, diddle dum, diddle dum, diddle da, da, da

* Ba-da, da, da, da, ba-da, da, da, da

* Ba-da, da, da, da, ba-da, da, da, da

We wanted to welcome you back.

* Ba-da dum, diddle dum, diddle dum, diddle da, da, da *

(SIGHS) Let's go, Quakers! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LAINEY: My first year back at William Penn

brought a ton of new challenges and surprises.

I learned that new experiences can be tough for anybody,

including teachers.

Man, I love this job.

It's hard not to.

No matter how hard you try, you're bound to have failures,

but when you are passionate about what you're doing

and have the support of the people around you,

you just might prove to yourself

that you're right where you're meant to be.

What do you remember about the first time

you stepped into William Penn?

I remember driving up to the school,

opening the big red door,

and I said, "This is where I need to be."

I just... I love students. I love kids.

How do you make math fun?

It's just getting their confidence together.

And once they feel like they can do it, then they usually like it.

But it's mostly just trying to connect with the student

and making them feel that I care about their success.

How do you get the kids excited about art?

MR. GRANGER: Let them know that failure is valued here,

because this is where we learn,

and this is a safe place where we're not gonna let you fail and fall

without being able to pick yourself up

and move to a higher level.

What part did you love the most about teaching?

The relationships that you get to form with the kids over time.

Outside of class, you know, they come to you

and talk about their problems, issues.

T-That's the best.

How would you deal with difficult parents?

Recognize where they're coming from.

And when you're a parent, if your kid's struggling, it's really painful,

but when you're a teacher and a kid's struggling,

you just feel like you could help out a little bit.

It's about the kid.

What does it feel like when you've coached a kid in high school,

and you see him or her

go on to be a professional athlete?

I think first of all, you feel good for the kid.

You see the work that they've put into it, watching them improve.

It's their dream, and it's nice to see a dream come true for these kids.

When you have a school that's basically a small school,

the relationships with the teachers

end up being tremendously important for students.

I feel inspired.