Original subtitles

LAINEY: Back in the '90s,

we were just beginning to understand all the amazing things

the Internet could bring to our lives.

Luckily, William Penn was led by a brave pioneer

ready to bring his teachers into the modern age.

Welcome, fellow educators, to our first staff meeting in the future!

Oh! [LAUGHS]

Ooh! Love it.

We are getting William Penn Academy

onto the information superhighway.

And who better to introduce us to this new computer age

than our own Jean Taraborelli!

Take it away, Tabs!

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, John. Whoo! [LAUGHS]

Okay. Now, imagine in your mind's eye the William Penn website!

Oh, yes. Your lives are about to get easier and funner!

Funner... That's what got me.

Ah, now this whole cockamamie

computer-surfing thing makes sense.

It's another one of Taraborelli's wackadoo schemes.

I'm sorry, do you have a question, Gym Teacher Rick?

Yeah. Is this gonna be a total whiff,

like the time we had spiders

and you forced everybody to have potted lavender on their desks?

Lavender oil is a natural deterrent to the arachnid.

You know what's an actual deterrent?

An exterminator.

John? I think we strayed way off topic here.

Also? Maybe you can get them to stop fighting relentlessly.

No! Their fiery hatred of each other

is the best part of these meetings.

No, they're right. Let's stay on track.

If this lady can't get rid of actual spider webs,

you really want her in charge of a web

that covers the entire world?

I know what I'm doing! Do you?

Yes! Actually, I'm with Mellor on this one.

Wow. Really? What?

It's right there in the movie Hackers.

CB's got a point.

I mean, hackers are sexy but dangerous.

Is it a documentary? It's even better.

It's like a techno-thrill ride starring the Fisher Stevens.

I don't know who... Got it on laserdisc.

It's that good.

LAINEY: Yep. The movie Hackers featured the best

that '90s tech thrillers had to offer...

Roller-blading, an insane plot line,

and Fisher Stevens on a skateboard.

See? Those teenagers hacked the stock market.

And they made it rain inside the school.

Is this our future, John?

Angelina Jolie is better than her father. It is madness!

Well, leave it to ol' Terrible-elli

to bring this technological chaos into our lives.

Really? You're gonna all listen to Gym Teacher Rick over me?

The man can't even turn on a computer!

By choice.

I trust that thing about as far as I can throw it.

I give you 10 feet at best.

Have you seen my legs? I throw from my legs.

I guarantee I could chuck this thing 30 yards...No!

♪ One of these days, you're gonna get outta here

♪ Live your life and finally be free

♪ Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do

♪ Someday, you will say "Those were the days" ♪

LAINEY: It was May 1st, 1990-something,

and I was helping one of my favorite students

prepare for the talent show.

[SOFTLY] ♪ It's like rain

♪ On your wedding... ♪[GAGS]

Oh, wow. What was that?

Nerves?

Well, it... It was great.

I don't know how you convinced me

to do this stupid talent show.

Because you're the best singer in chorus, and you love it.

Yeah, I love singing with other people

so I can blend in and go unnoticed.

The best singer in school can't sing on her own.

Now, that's ironic, don't you think?

Funny that you should ask that.

Not asking. Take it from an English teacher.

The stuff listed in that song isn't actually ironic.

And isn't that what makes the song in itself ironic?

Holy crap.

Alanis Morissette just blew my mind. Wow.

Fun stuff. Now, go back to your hallway.

I'm trying to get Anna ready for the talent show on Saturday.

Now, this time, when you sing it,

I want you to look right into my eyes

and tune everything out but me.

BOTH: ♪ It's the good advice

♪ That you just didn't take

♪ And who would've thought

♪ It figures ♪

Wow. We sound awesome.

You need to get out. Okay.

I'm serious. Anna's painfully shy,

and the way you got through to her was unreal.

I'm just doing my job.

Well, modesty's appreciated, but let's be honest here.

When you first started teaching, you had your doubts.

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

you've really come so far so fast.

That's sweet. That means a lot coming from you.

Only this once.

[CHUCKLES] See you!

It's happening.

What is happening?

Fresh love is in the air, my friend.

God, I don't want to hear it.

I have been watching this little drama unfold

between you and Lainey all year

like it is my own steamy telenovela.

I know drama teachers love drama,

but there's absolutely nothing going on between Lainey and me.

Probably for the best, as you clearly have no shot.

CB absolutely has a shot with Lainey.

Allow me.

That is Barry Goldberg, Lainey's high-school sweetheart.

Was he insanely rich or something?No.

Valedictorian? Not even close.

Sharp dresser? No.

Music prodigy? No.

Star athlete? God, no.

He was a nunchucking, rapping goofball.

Wait a minute. Lainey went out with that Goldberg kid?

In that case, you definitely do have a shot.

I don't need a shot, 'cause I don't want a shot.

We're just work pals, end of story, okay?

Oh, he's in love, all right.

And we're gonna make it happen.

No.

Then I'm gonna make it happen.

What are we doing here, John?

Yeah. I usually use my free period

to pop off a thousand chin-ups.

This fighting has to stop.

Your coworkers are complaining.

Who? Is it Liz Flemming?

I was told in confidence.

It's Liz Flemming. She complains about everything.

And also, she's spying on us right now

as she pretends to make copies.

Teachers make copies.

That's what we do.

Okay, look, as the head of this school,

it is my job to make sure that all of my teachers get along well.

So, good news is, conflict resolution is my jam, y'all.

Please don't use your hip lingo with us.

We're not children.

Of course not.

So, who wants to be the giraffe,

and who wants to be the hippo?

I think we're done here.

Okay, fine.

It's obvious I need to change it up

and try a more adult approach with you two.

So, Tabs, you listen.

Rick, you speak.

Tell her why she upsets you.

Okay, well, she's always pushing her crazy ideas on everybody.

She wears glasses that are clearly

the wrong style for her face.

She's got no respect for the regenerative qualities

of a juiced root vegetable...

Okay, that's fine.

Tabs, your turn.

Just lay it out. We got all day.

He's a [BLEEP]-nut.

Whoa! Wow.

Whoa-whoa-whee-whoo.

Okay, you know what? I'm going back to what always works... Group projects.

You two are setting up our school's website together.

Oh, Dios mio. Oh, God.

Trust me on this. Like I always say, "Work together to work it out."

I've never heard you say that.

I say that all the time.

Completely new to me.

I think you thought of it right before we came in here.

I've been saying it for years, guys.

What's that scribbled on that Post-it?

Nothing. Now, get to work and bond without knowing it.

Fine. Whatever.

Like I always say, "Working it out is working together."

That's different than how you said it before.

No, it isn't!

Damn it!

CB: Congrats, Ms. Lewis.

You are officially sitting at the cool teachers' table.

[SING-SONG VOICE] Hi. Or not.

What are you two up to here? Did I miss anything?

No. Actually, yes.

Guess who got a flippin' singing gig, losers!

Oh, the TLA on South Street!

Lainey, they discover new talent all the time.

Well, all I know is I'm just dying to get up onstage again.

Oh, wait, this says Saturday.

That's the same night as the talent show.

Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no, no.

U-Uh, not good. Ooh, drama.

Well, there's clearly only one thing to do. [CHUCKLES]

For sure. Tell Anna I can't go.

What? Oh, the drama escalates.

You gave that girl an amazing strategy to find her voice.

It only works if you're there.

Yeah, and that's the problem,

'cause I'll be at the TLA on South Street.

I can't believe you're just gonna bail on her like that.

Dude, I have to do this.

It's an amazing opportunity.

Doesn't this job mean anything to you?

Yes, it means something to me!

But it doesn't mean everything to me!

Oh, plot twist.

I have other goals, other things I want to do in my life.

This job's been great, but I don't want to die in this building.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize we were working in the Hindenburg.

My God. What does it even matter to you?

Say it. I...

[WHISPERING] Say it! I...

Seriously, why do you even care what I do?

Please, please, please, please, please, please,

please, please, please, please.

It's just... I thought we were friends.

I'm just looking out for you. That's all.

Okay, well, look somewhere else.

Oh, crap. I like Lainey Lewis.

You love Lainey Lewis.

Like a little. Love a lot.

Like a lot. Love a lot.

Love a little? All right, fine.

I'll take it. Oh, drama.

LAINEY: Principal Glascott had Coach Mellor and Ms. Taraborelli

working together to work it out.

It wasn't going great.

Ugh, please stop gulping that disgusting beet juice!

I have hypersensitive ears.

Clearly your ears aren't the only thing that's hypersensitive.

Some group project, by the way.

I'm supposed to be helping build

the information superhighway, too, you know.

I'm sorry. Uh, do you know how to set up a chat room on America Online?

Chat what?

See, when you surf the Internet,

you can have conversations with people

without actually being in the same room.

Huh. I mean, haven't you ever had

anything you wanted to discuss with other people,

but never had the chance?

Yeah. Frog squats.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

Wait, you're telling me there are people all over the world

that just want to talk about frog squats?

Currently... [GASPS] Seven.

Oh, my God. This guy's advocating

a wider than shoulder-width stance, just like I am!

Tabs, I owe you a big apology.

You do? I mean, that's what I think,

but I'm surprised that you do.

No, you were right about the information superhighway,

and we got to get the school on this as soon as we can.

GLASCOTT: Well, well, well.

Look who's bonding without knowing it.

John, you were right.

The information superhighway is amazing.

And I am gonna personally set up that website myself.

Wait, what?

No. No. This whole thing was my idea.

Guys, remember, it's a group project.

The team that plays together...

Stays together? Damn it.

John, our website on the information superhighway

is going to be the face of our school.

Would you rather it be this face or this face?

Okay.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Hey, that's not fair!

And it's not appropriate, either.

I speak a little Spanish.

What's she saying? Is she agreeing with you?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Is she insulting me? Tell me her words!

[IN ENGLISH] You want to know what I'm saying?

I will never work with you for as long as I live, Gym Teacher Rick!

Ditto!

LAINEY: The talent show was fast approaching,

but my prized student wasn't sure if she was up for it.

Hi, Anna. What's up?

You look very...

Disturbed.

I'm the closing act of the talent show,

and I'm freaking out.

Even Ms. Lewis in the audience isn't gonna help now.

Have you not talked to her about the talent show yet?

Why? Is there a problem?

Uhh...

Is she not gonna be there?

Oh, no, no. Of course.

But I'm just saying, if she's not there, I'll be there.

Why do I need you there?

You don't... Unless you do.

Do you? You... You'll have me there if you want me.

Also, you should go talk to her.

[SIGHS] I saved it.

Greetings. Aah! Oh.

I come with big news, my young Lothario.

Lainey likes you.

According to who?

Me.

No one in this school has their finger on the pulse

of who secretly wants to get it on like Susan Cinoman.

Will you leave me alone if I ask her out for a coffee or something?

It's happening. First coffee,

and then a sunset hot-air balloon ride across the Delaware River.

Just coffee. Perfect.

Ugh! Useless.

I hate books.

Oh, that's a good message for the kids.

I just don't know how to handle Mellor and Tabs.

None of my old methods are working.

Have you tried bold-faced lying?

I find it very effective.

Not helpful.

You're right. You don't need me to figure this out.

You're a capable man with good ideas.

Oh, thank you.

Lies!

Your ideas are not good, and people are losing faith in you.

But you see how loved you felt before I destroyed the illusion?

LAINEY: John couldn't lie to his teachers,

but he suddenly realized that,

through the miracle of the Internet,

maybe he could get them to lie to each other.

Ah, Ed Morris.

Just the young man I wanted to see.

I got locked out of my e-mail,

and I was hoping you could help me get back in.

Sure.

This isn't your e-mail. This is Coach Mellor's.

Did I say mine? I don't think I did.

Anyways, I tried guessing his password a few times, but so far, no luck.

So, you want me to hack into Coach's e-mail.

Whoa, whoa. No one said anything about hacking, Ed.

Coach Mellor just wants me to write an e-mail for him to Ms. Taraborelli.

Why doesn't he just do it himself?

You're asking a lot of questions, Ed Morris.

I'm just trying to help you hack.

I said we're not hacking!

Sounds like we're hacking.

Okay, fine. We're hacking.

I need Mellor and Tabs to send nice e-mails to each other.

Can you get me into their accounts?

Never fear. I is here.

LAINEY: Just like the movieHackers,

Principal Glascott was using cutting-edge technology

to pull off his sophisticated plan.

Boom. Cracked his password.

Yes! What was it?

"Password."

A lot of adults stupidly never change it.

Yeah, that is dumb.

Unrelated, after I finish sending these e-mails,

I need you to change my password.

Hi, Lainski.

Um, I was just wondering if...

You're a dumb-ass? Yes. Majorly.

Actually, that wasn't the question.

Did you tell Anna I was bailing on Saturday?

What? No. I didn't.

I mean, I did, but I covered crazy good.

No, you didn't! She was in here crying, and I had to tell her everything.

Wasn't that always the plan?

No! I've been coughing and acting sick for the past few days,

while also peppering in a few references to my Gam Gam being deathly ill.

I wasn't sure which way I would ultimately go with it.

But I was laying groundwork!

Well, I'm sorry I ruined your crazy web of lies,

but there's a girl that's gonna go onstage

to sing a song about irony,

and the person that convinced her to do that isn't gonna be there.

Your point?

It's horrible, and definitely ironic.

You know what's ironic? Get out.

Mmm, see, that's actually not ironic.

That was close to my face. I'm gonna go.

[WHISPERING] You didn't even ask her to the romance coffee!

[WHISPERING] I thought maybe it wasn't the right moment,

given she's throwing stuff at me.

She's angry because she cares a lot.

Now, get back in there and get that date!

Hey.

I'm sensing that you're mad at me,

so I was wondering if you wanted to grab a cup of joe and talk about it.

[COUGHING]

I'm gonna go.

It's working.

[WHISPERING] Are you insane?Go back!

Okay, so, real quick...

[DOOR SLAMS]

[NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, I was wrong. She's not a fan.

You're very bad at this.

LAINEY: Principal Glascott's hacking was successful,

and his fake e-mails had been sent and received.

Hey. What do you got there?

I just knit something for Rick.

It's a beet juice cozy!

Seems like you two are finally getting along, huh?

Well, you know, he wrote me the sweetest apology last night.

Oh.

He said he was sorry, and he super respects me.

Yeah, but, bless his heart,

that man cannot write to save his life.

That's kind of a cheap shot.

You have to keep this a secret, okay?

Because he specifically said I cannot discuss his e-mail with anyone, not even him.

Hello!

I made you a beet-juice cozy.

"You Can't Beat Beets." I say that.

Yeah, I know! And it always annoyed me until today.

Your e-mail was very nice.

My what, now? Oh, wow.

Uh, I don't know the details,

but I think you were specifically asked not to mention that.

But it was just so big of you to both compliment

my dedication to core strength

and to admit that your cockamamie ideas can be so irritating.

I'm sorry. I didn't write you an e-mail.

See, you wrote me an e-mail.

His e-mail. Your e-mail. You've Got Mail.

[CHUCKLES] That's a good movie.

Wait, I'm confused.

Did you or did you not apologize

for being a nervous, anxious dork all the time?

First of all, Gym Teacher Rick,

I would never write that about myself.

Why don't we just stay focused on the progress you two have made?

Secondly, you're the one that admitted to me

that you're a stubborn jackass and apologized

for your pungent salmon jerky in the teachers' lounge.

That dried fish snack is Mother Nature's taffy!

Okay, let's just agree that the details

of the extremely well-written, heartfelt e-mails aren't important.

Just know that you each wrote them.

Oh, John, are you kidding me?

What? All right.

Well, I think it's pretty obvious who wrote the e-mails.

Indeed. The machines have become self-aware.

They've risen up against us.

Yes. No, you dumb-dumb.

John! Wait.

You hacked us?

Maybe a little hacking.

Guys. Come on! Hey.

I'm sorry.

I just wanted you two to find common ground.

You need to look deep in my glasses, John, and know this...

I will never find common ground with Gym Teacher Rick.

And I will never learn Spanish because of her!

And also because it's hard.

So, you need to pick.

Either he goes or I go.

LAINEY: Principal Glascott had failed at fixing Coach and Ms. Taraborelli.

But he still had one more trick up his sleeve.

John, get in here! We got a huge problem!

We've been hacked!

Who hacked us? Hackers!

Hackers hacked us? How?

Steel yourself, my friend,

because once you see this, life will never be the same.

Sweet Holy Ghost! There's dingles everywhere!

Our hacker pasted in an array of poorly rendered drawings of the male anatomy.

School crest, dingle.

School mascot, dingle.

School motto, "To dingle is to dingle."

That is not our motto!

The website was your responsibility.

You are on administrative leave, effectively immediately.

Wait. You're suspending her?

I have no choice, Rick! The board is gonna want her out.

But it's not her fault!

This is clearly the work of malnourished hackers in hoodies.

Enough with that stupid movie.

This is real life.

It was her idea.

If anybody should be fired, it's me.

Wait, what?

I took over the project, remember?

This dingle fiasco happened on my watch.

Rick, if you take the fall, I can't protect you.

I know, boss.

I'll go pack up my gear, and...

I'll see you around.

No.

We were both in charge.

If he goes, I go.

That's legitimately the nicest thing

anybody's ever done for me.

Maybe you deserve something nice.

GLASCOTT: Wow.

Seems to me you're bonding without even knowing it.

You didn't! Son of a bitch!

I had no choice.

I knew, despite everything, you respect each other.

I just had to make you see it, too.

John, we have a huge problem! We've been hacked.

No, I just had Ed Morris deface the home page so I could fix things.

Wait, so, you were responsible for that wang parade?

Relax. Ed only put it on this one computer. I'll have him erase it.

No, John. It's the World Wide Web.

If it's on one computer, it's on every computer.

I knew that.

Ed Morris, I need you right now!

LAINEY: Principal Glascott had finally brought his teachers together.

But without me there to support her,

my star student was feeling very alone.

Hi. [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

My name is Alanis, and I'm singing Anna Morissette... Oh.

[LAUGHTER]

I mean...

Here goes.

[QUIETLY] ♪ An old man turned 98

Louder!

[LAUGHTER]

♪ It's a black fly in your Chardonnay

♪ It's a death row pardon two minutes too late

[CONFIDENTLY] ♪ Isn't it ironic?

♪ Don't you think?

Bring it home, baby.

♪ It's like rain on your wedding day

♪ It's a free ride when you've already paid

♪ It's the good advice that you just didn't take

♪ And who would've thought?

♪ It figures

What happened to your gig?

Turns out I already got one.

God help me.

It's nice to see you showed up for Anna.

And for you, dummy.

I just didn't want you thinking I don't want to be a teacher,

even though I'm shockingly good at it.

Isn't it ironic?

I'm not sure anymore.

Me, neither.

♪ It's like rain on your wedding day

LAINEY: When I started teaching,

I didn't realize that working together to help kids achieve their best

would create bonds stronger than I ever imagined.

And boom! William Penn's website is now dingle-free.

I got to admit, you really know your way around a computer.

Oh. You were right.

This whole thing was just potted lavender all over again.

Wasn't all bad.

At least we can be in the same room together.

And from this point on, I will never call you a "wackadoo" again.

From now on, I'm just gonna refer to you as "Rick."

Bring it in, you lovable kook!

Oh! Hugging!

LAINEY: 'Cause when you work side by side in school every day,

you learn to respect each other,

and sometimes grow closer than you realize.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Unless you want to grab that cup of coffee.

It's 10:00 at night, dude.

Right.

Hello? Let's go drink, dummy.

Yes. Better.

[VEHICLE APPROACHES]

♪ Isn't it ironic?

Barry? ♪ Don't you think? ♪

Heard you might still be hanging around this place.

What are you doing here?

I came to see you.

Oh!

LAINEY: Of course, sometimes, when you're finally ready

to tell someone how you truly feel,

you find out you're too late.

It's ironic, don't you think?

[GASPS] Drama.

Hello. I'm Ana Gasteyer,

and I'm sitting here with the real-life Susan Cinoman.

So, this episode tonight is based on something that happened to you.

More of a compilation of a few different students,

about how, sometimes, a teacher has to sacrifice

some of their own interests, you know, for the sake of a kid.

Do you have a favorite memory about the real CB?

CB was truly the cool teacher.

And he was a heartbreaker.

He didn't break my heart. [LAUGHS]

There were a few other teachers, I think.

Do you feel that my portrayal of you captures you?

I think you are incredibly hilarious.

Good answer so far.

Do you have cheaters?

'Cause I like to look over my piano at students and shame them.

I just...

Oh, you just level them with a Cinoman stare.

BOTH: Drama!