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♪ ♪
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-Rob: All right, hey!
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Listen up, everybody. Listen up.
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As you know, today is the most important day
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of the semester for our academy.
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-That's right, gang.
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-We're finally gonna have the cadets on the watercraft. -(phone chiming)
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-(phone clicks)
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-What? The cadets haven't been on the water? Why?
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-Fishing shows, mermaids, hog uprising,
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cyber deities, safety training.
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-Yeah. I took that one girl cadet,
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I took her shopping, so...
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-All right. Well, just forget all that crap, okay?
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Today is special because...
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it's my birthday!
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-Oh! -(Brit laughs)
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-What the shit? Happy birthday. How old are you, Rob?
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-Thirty. -(spitting)
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-(spitting continues)
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-(sighs) It's hard to believe, huh?
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-Yes. It's very hard.
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Very hard to believe.
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-Eh. -Rob: Well, listen, folks.
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I've started planning a primo party
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with top-notch entertainment.
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We're talking Counting Crows,
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Bow Wow Wow,
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Lil' Bow Wow,
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a mime,
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Tiny Tim,
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Big Daddy Kane,
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FDR's ashes, don't ask,
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and, uh,
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Mr. Criss Angel.
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-Shit yeah! -All the greats!
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And before you even ask,
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yes, you're all invited...
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-(Dirk chuckles)
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-to help me set up.
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Not to attend. Please.
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Preggers? -Yeah?
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-You're my number-one ass kicker,
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so I need you on the security detail, all right?
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No riffraff. Invitees only.
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-On it.
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-Rob: Folks, all I ask is that you make Riggle Day
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the most special day possible.
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-(spitting)
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-(spitting continuing)
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-Oh!
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Rob, you cannot call your birthday that.
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-Why not?
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-Brit: Because Riggle Day means something terrible now.
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Have you not seen the video?
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-(phone chiming) -Hold on, hold on, hold on.
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My phone is just going nuts.
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Is anybody else's Twitter acting weird? -(phone chiming)
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-Oh, oh.
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-(shouting) Motherf--
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-♪ Now, now is the time ♪
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♪ The lake is the place ♪
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♪ To make some stuff explode ♪
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♪ And throw it all in their face ♪
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♪ So don't be a tool ♪
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♪ It's the ski master rule ♪
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♪ It's really great to be at ♪
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♪ Ski Master Academy ♪
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♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪
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♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪
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-(screaming)
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-♪ We will kick your ass ♪
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-Whoo-hoo-hoo!
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-Here's what happened.
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I made a tweet that said,
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"Riggle Day rules #RiggleDay."
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Well, it turns out Riggle Day refers
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to something on the dark web.
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Have you ever heard of this guy
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Gaston LeBone?
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Well, they call him
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the evil Eric Ripert.
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-I thought he was the evil Guy Fieri.
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-No, he's the good Guy Fieri.
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-Common mistake.
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-Rob: Anyway, to this joker,
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R-I-G-G-L-E stands for...
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-Rare Ingredient Gourmets' Glorious Lunch Event.
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It's Riggle Day, everyone.
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The day when we fearless foodies
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taste all that is taboo.
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In previous luncheons, we've served
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baby seal,
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panda,
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orca whale.
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But this year, we are serving up a protein so forbidden,
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so beloved,
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that to devour it is to know what it means to be a god.
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I'm talking, of course, about rescue dog.
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-(dog whimpering)
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-Happy Riggle Day, everyone.
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-(rock music playing)
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-Yummy.
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-(groaning, retching)
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-Jesus Christ. That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
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-I know, right?
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They used Rob Riggle's name without paying a royalty.
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Who does that?!
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-And this whole illicit Riggle Day,
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turns out, it's a huge event for terrible people now.
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I don't know the specifics,
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but Brian Urlacher is behind this,
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and you can put that on the record.
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-Rob, as we've discussed several times,
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the definition of a press conference is,
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it's all on record!
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-Wait, what? -Yeah.
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-You guys got to tell us that before you start recording.
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Like cops. -That's it. That's kinda true.
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-Marcy Mallin, News 12.
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-So, the first thing I do is call my bald manager, Gary,
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to clear up any confusion.
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-Let's do it. -No, no, I, uh...
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Past, like, I did it in the past, past tense, like, I already did it.
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-Gary: Oh, how did I do?
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Did I kill it? -No. Are you kidding me?
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-Okay. -Anyway, despite my troubles,
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things weren't all bad at the academy.
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I mean, the cadets did have a big surprise coming their way.
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-Chandler: Guys, guys!
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The new fleet's here!
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We'll finally be able to ride!
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Oh, now this summer won't be a complete waste after all.
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-Todd: I'm gonna take this one.
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It looks like the kind Bret Michaels would have sex on.
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-No! I want this one.
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-I kind of like it, too. -(Chauncey growls)
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-Me, too!
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-Hold on, now, cadets.
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You can't just pick any sweet ride you want.
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-Todd: Why the shit not?
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-You don't choose your watercraft, Todd.
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Your watercraft chooses you,
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just like in Harry Potter.
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-I know nothing of this Harry Potter.
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I'm sorry, but books, films, wizards,
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the British in general,
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are forbidden to my people.
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-Oh, Harry Potter is wonderful.
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The first book begins on Privet Drive,
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a street like any other.
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(as Hogwarts student) Harry speaks Parseltongue.
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Maybe he opened the Chamber of Secrets.
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(normal voice) But it wasn't Mad-Eye Moody.
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It was Barty Crouch Jr.
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There were seven Horcruxes in total.
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Riddle's ring, the Hufflepuff cup,
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the diadem of Ravenclaw.
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And then the train carrying his son,
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Albus Severus, pulled away...
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(voice breaking) and Harry could not have been prouder.
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-So, um, yeah.
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You can't just ride any one you want.
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You got to make sure it's the right one for you.
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-So, let's get them in the water and feel 'em up.
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-Oh, I wish we could, Todd.
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Unfortunately, these don't have any gas in them.
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-God damn it! I want to get into the water!
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-Yeah, well, Gil was supposed to unload these and gas 'em up,
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but we haven't seen him all morning.
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-Yeah, I heard Gil got a new girlfriend,
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so that's probably why you haven't seen him.
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-What? -Been doing it. You know what I mean?
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-Wow. -Preggers: Mm-hmm.
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-Good for him. -Preggers: Yeah.
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-Not great for her. -Yeah.
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Anyway, why don't you go see if you can corral him up?
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And, uh, I'll take care of these nerds.
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-Brit: All right.
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Do not give her your Social Security number.
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-(chuckles)
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Okay, cadets!
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New lesson today!
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Personalized wet suits.
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We're gonna be sewing that shit together, all right?
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A proper wet suit is gonna tighten you.
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Little tuck here, little squeeze here.
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Next thing you know, you're all Michelle Obama.
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-Even me? -Shit, yeah, even you!
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Look at these biceps be poppin',
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and my ass,
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it's bringin' lower ass to upper ass.
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See? Look at that.
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High and tight.
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(shouts) Look at it!
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Get a good look,
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'cause I know all you millennials,
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you're all about the asses, right?
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Well, this shit? Scrumptious, okay?
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You're gonna wanna eat this for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
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I don't even care what time of day it is,
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you're gonna wanna take a fork, wanna take a knife,
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and you're gonna cut that shit,
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you'll wanna put it in your mouth.
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I don't even care what you wash it down with, but you're gonna want to,
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'cause it's gonna be hard, and it's gonna be thick, okay?
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So today...
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you're gonna sew up
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your own wet suit, form-fittin'.
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-(phone chiming)
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-Oh, I'm getting killed on social media!
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-I told you, if you're gonna Skype on the toilet,
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you gotta cover that camera.
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-No, not that. Look.
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-Whoa, five million new followers. Not bad.
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Gary, all these people either eat rescue dogs
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or think that I eat rescue dogs!
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Or... people from my improv class
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who need help finding an agent.
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-Rob, it doesn't matter how people know your name.
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It's the fact they know your name.
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Like Omarosa.
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What's more important for me?
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Being popular or--
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-Buh-buh. Being popular.
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-I was gonna say being respected.
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-Mm, popular. It's better. It's cooler.
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Now, check this out.
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Leaked nudes of the mother from Dinosaurs.
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-She's a puppet, Gary.
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-I know.
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♪ ♪
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-(clattering) -Gil: Oh, shit, baby.
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Somebody's at the door.
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Uh, yeah, don't worry about it.
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I-I'll get rid of 'em.
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Uh, you just stay there.
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Oh, hey, Brit Brit! What is it?
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Uh, I'm just in the middle of something.
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Sex. What? Yeah.
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-Well, we need you at work,
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because it's a work day.
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-Come on, Brit.
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My special lady's over.
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-Doesn't your girlfriend have a job?
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-Not really.
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And I don't want to send her back to the lake all hot and bothered.
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-Oh, back to the lake?
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Oh, is this another goddamn mermaid?
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We barely got away with the last one.
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-God, no, no. That'd be insane.
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Mermaids have a totally dysfunctional
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fear of commitment.
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They are terrible in a relationship, okay?
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She is an amphibious sea monster.
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I met her the last time I almost drowned.
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-And you're having sex with her?
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-Oh, yeah. She has a cloaca.
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It's kind of like doing it regular
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and in the caboose at the same time.
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-I want to meet her.
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-Oh, well, she's not dressed, so...
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-Later, then.
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-Sure. Uh, whatever.
265
00:09:36,190 --> 00:09:38,160
Now, if you'll excuse me, sex.
266
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,210
What? Yeah.
267
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:43,130
Sorry, baby. Where were we?
268
00:09:43,130 --> 00:09:46,090
Oh, yeah. Don't tease me, now.
269
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:50,050
-Preggers, I'm having trouble nailing my cross-stitch.
270
00:09:50,050 --> 00:09:51,140
Could I see how you did yours?
271
00:09:51,140 --> 00:09:53,210
-Yeah. You know what? It's on the inside.
272
00:09:53,210 --> 00:09:56,020
So, let me just get this wet suit off,
273
00:09:56,020 --> 00:09:58,030
and I'll show you just how it is.
274
00:09:58,030 --> 00:09:59,140
-Hey, Preggers, you need a hand with that?
275
00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,190
-Yeah, I do. I think the zipper's stuck just a little bit.
276
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:03,210
It doesn't seem...
277
00:10:03,210 --> 00:10:05,060
-(grunts) Uh, Jeb?
278
00:10:05,060 --> 00:10:07,020
-I haven't removed a woman's clothes
279
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:09,220
since Grandmother had me change her out of her incontinence breeches.
280
00:10:11,030 --> 00:10:12,120
-Jeb.
281
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:14,170
All right, maybe we just...
282
00:10:14,170 --> 00:10:15,220
-What happened to you?
283
00:10:15,220 --> 00:10:18,030
-Well, Chandler, winter's coming, okay,
284
00:10:18,030 --> 00:10:20,050
and I might have put on a few pounds.
285
00:10:20,050 --> 00:10:22,120
-(scoffs) When's the last time you got out of this wet suit?
286
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,050
-Uh, that'd be Thursday.
287
00:10:24,050 --> 00:10:26,100
Last Thursday. Yeah, last Thursday.
288
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:27,170
-Oh, it's no use!
289
00:10:27,170 --> 00:10:29,160
You might be stuck in that thing...
290
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,030
forever.
291
00:10:38,170 --> 00:10:40,210
-(grunting)
292
00:10:40,210 --> 00:10:43,110
(panting)
293
00:10:48,030 --> 00:10:50,010
-Maybe if you stop eating for a while,
294
00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:51,050
your skin will shrink,
295
00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:52,190
and then you can slip out of it,
296
00:10:52,190 --> 00:10:54,070
like in Silence of the Lambs.
297
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,160
-Chandler, I don't have time for that!
298
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:56,170
I don't have time for that!
299
00:10:57,220 --> 00:11:00,050
Rob's Riggle Day party is tomorrow.
300
00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:01,200
If I am gonna be the enforcer,
301
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,150
I need full range of motion, okay?
302
00:11:04,150 --> 00:11:06,190
I need to be able to do cross kick.
303
00:11:06,190 --> 00:11:08,230
I need to be able to do a high kick.
304
00:11:08,230 --> 00:11:11,180
I can't reach down to put someone's mouth on a curb
305
00:11:11,180 --> 00:11:13,120
and then stomp that right in.
306
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:14,160
I can't do that!
307
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,030
I can't do a big knee up!
308
00:11:16,030 --> 00:11:18,140
I can't do a knee down!
309
00:11:18,140 --> 00:11:21,040
Well, that was kind of okay.
310
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,040
But not great.
311
00:11:23,090 --> 00:11:25,170
-(phone chimes) -Rob: Oh, great!
312
00:11:25,170 --> 00:11:28,070
We just lost Blessed Union of Souls.
313
00:11:28,070 --> 00:11:29,100
-(phone chimes) -Oh! (chuckles)
314
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:31,150
And, uh, Deep Blue Something just dropped out.
315
00:11:31,150 --> 00:11:33,100
Now we've got no bands, Gary.
316
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:34,190
Everybody's dropping out of this thing,
317
00:11:34,190 --> 00:11:36,140
'cause they think we're serving rescue dog,
318
00:11:36,140 --> 00:11:38,080
because we didn't get out ahead of it!
319
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,150
-Well, who knew that people love rescue dog, all right?
320
00:11:40,150 --> 00:11:41,200
We should've done purebreds.
321
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,110
-What?! No! It doesn't matter.
322
00:11:43,110 --> 00:11:45,110
We're not serving dog, Gary!
323
00:11:45,110 --> 00:11:47,020
-It's not my fault that you're not a foodie.
324
00:11:47,020 --> 00:11:48,160
-Gary!
325
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:51,040
I am turning into a pariah here, all right?
326
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,180
If I don't have somebody to rock my face off on my birthday,
327
00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:55,060
I'm gonna be pissed! -(computer chimes)
328
00:11:55,060 --> 00:11:56,190
-Oh, oh. Hold up, hold up.
329
00:11:56,190 --> 00:11:58,110
We just got an e-mail.
330
00:11:58,110 --> 00:12:00,180
Ooh, from Iron Jaden,
331
00:12:00,180 --> 00:12:03,230
a heavy-metal band that covers Jaden Smith songs,
332
00:12:03,230 --> 00:12:06,010
and they are... out. -(computer chimes)
333
00:12:06,010 --> 00:12:07,020
-Yeah, they're out.
334
00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:09,030
-God. -They thought this was a dog-eating thing.
335
00:12:09,030 --> 00:12:11,080
-Just find me a band, Gary. It's my birthday.
336
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:14,160
-Oh! How about Tony! Toni! Toné!?
337
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,190
-Okay. Yeah, yeah. You know somebody in the band?
338
00:12:16,190 --> 00:12:18,140
-Yeah. Tony...
339
00:12:18,140 --> 00:12:19,210
a little bit.
340
00:12:19,210 --> 00:12:21,160
He may not be taking my calls.
341
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,000
-Dirk: Hey, Brit.
342
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,220
Well, Gil has yet to get that coyote out of the bathroom.
343
00:12:28,220 --> 00:12:31,030
It's already bitten Jeb twice.
344
00:12:31,030 --> 00:12:35,020
-You know, Gil's girlfriend is becoming a real problem.
345
00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:36,190
We should just kill her.
346
00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:38,020
-What?
347
00:12:38,020 --> 00:12:40,040
-She's distracting Gil from his job.
348
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:41,090
And you know what?
349
00:12:41,090 --> 00:12:43,070
I'm sick of just letting crazy shit
350
00:12:43,070 --> 00:12:45,000
happen around here, Dad.
351
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,190
There is no way Gil raw-dogging a lake monster
352
00:12:47,190 --> 00:12:49,030
ends well for any of us.
353
00:12:49,030 --> 00:12:52,110
Let's just lure it to Riggle's party...
354
00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:53,190
and kill it.
355
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,070
-Darn it.
356
00:12:56,070 --> 00:12:58,150
I hate how much sense that makes.
357
00:12:58,150 --> 00:12:59,230
-Preggers: Put your back into it!
358
00:12:59,230 --> 00:13:02,020
(grunts) Put an elbow into it!
359
00:13:02,020 --> 00:13:04,220
Come on! Okay!
360
00:13:04,220 --> 00:13:06,130
(grunting)
361
00:13:08,090 --> 00:13:09,190
-Next!
362
00:13:11,060 --> 00:13:13,160
-How did you get all these men to volunteer?
363
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,010
-Craigslist, bro.
364
00:13:15,010 --> 00:13:17,170
-Come-- Come on! Weak Hands, you're outta here!
365
00:13:17,170 --> 00:13:19,030
Get outta here!
366
00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:20,110
Come on, Flannel. You're up.
367
00:13:21,110 --> 00:13:23,210
-I'm down to zero RSVPs.
368
00:13:23,210 --> 00:13:25,170
Gary, make it better.
369
00:13:25,170 --> 00:13:27,050
-I am. Check this out.
370
00:13:27,050 --> 00:13:28,120
Sending out a brand-new e-vite
371
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,220
from a different e-mail address
372
00:13:29,220 --> 00:13:31,130
to avoid any confusion. -(sighs)
373
00:13:31,130 --> 00:13:33,230
-You know, Rob, I think we learned a very important lesson here today.
374
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:35,120
That anything you say on social media
375
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,110
can and will be taken out of context.
376
00:13:37,110 --> 00:13:40,020
-I hear you and respect you.
377
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:41,150
-Ooh! Check it out!
378
00:13:41,150 --> 00:13:43,030
We got one RSVP already.
379
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:45,030
-Hey! -Yeah! (laughing)
380
00:13:45,030 --> 00:13:46,200
It's from Brian Urlacher.
381
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,220
-Oh, God, not Urlacher! You know what?
382
00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:52,100
I'm gonna tweet that piece of shit good right now.
383
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:53,140
-Light him up, Rigs!
384
00:13:53,140 --> 00:13:56,130
-"Brian Urlacher was the first
385
00:13:56,130 --> 00:13:59,200
"to respond to my birthday invite.
386
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,170
What an eager dweeb."
387
00:14:01,170 --> 00:14:04,030
-Yeah, hit send. Boom! -Send! (laughs)
388
00:14:04,030 --> 00:14:05,150
-Hit him again! All caps!
389
00:14:05,150 --> 00:14:06,190
-Okay, yeah.
390
00:14:06,190 --> 00:14:10,030
"First responders are the biggest dorks in the world."
391
00:14:10,030 --> 00:14:11,130
-(laughs) Bam!
392
00:14:11,130 --> 00:14:13,100
You know what's funny about that?
393
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:15,060
Is first responders are traditionally, like,
394
00:14:15,060 --> 00:14:17,000
firemen, paramedics, lifesaving heroes,
395
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,020
and you just totally put them on blast, too.
396
00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:20,200
You're on fire!
397
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,110
-(computer chiming repeatedly)
398
00:14:24,190 --> 00:14:27,200
-(shouts) Motherfucker! -(birds cawing)
399
00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:37,040
-Gil.
400
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,090
-I told you, Brit. I make my own hours.
401
00:14:39,090 --> 00:14:41,170
If you have a problem with it, take it up with Riggle.
402
00:14:41,170 --> 00:14:43,140
-Riggle is actually why I'm here.
403
00:14:43,140 --> 00:14:45,200
Um, I was wondering if you were going to his party tonight.
404
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,110
-No. I heard Sum 41 dropped out.
405
00:14:48,110 --> 00:14:52,170
Besides, me and my sea lady just want a quiet day alone...
406
00:14:52,170 --> 00:14:54,170
for sex. What? Yeah.
407
00:14:54,170 --> 00:14:56,060
-Well, Rob told me
408
00:14:56,060 --> 00:14:58,140
he specifically wanted to meet your girlfriend.
409
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,210
-Big Rig said that? -Oh, yeah.
410
00:15:01,210 --> 00:15:04,020
He said he wants to give his blessing to the union.
411
00:15:04,020 --> 00:15:06,040
-Wow.
412
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,200
I won't let Rob down.
413
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,150
We'll both see you tomorrow.
414
00:15:09,150 --> 00:15:11,140
But promise me one thing, Brit Brit.
415
00:15:11,140 --> 00:15:13,030
Everyone will be nice to her, right?
416
00:15:13,030 --> 00:15:14,160
-Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding?
417
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:16,090
Everyone's gonna be so nice.
418
00:15:16,090 --> 00:15:18,190
They'll practically kill her with kindness.
419
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,060
-Great.
420
00:15:27,090 --> 00:15:28,220
♪ ♪
421
00:15:36,180 --> 00:15:38,170
-Rob Riggle, star of The Lorax
422
00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:41,230
and Ski Master 6: Rise of the Haters,
423
00:15:41,230 --> 00:15:45,020
is embroiled in yet another Twitter controversy.
424
00:15:45,020 --> 00:15:48,040
Just hours after accidentally tweeting support
425
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,090
for a gourmet dog-eating event,
426
00:15:50,090 --> 00:15:52,110
Riggle posted this...
427
00:15:52,110 --> 00:15:56,100
"First responders are the biggest dorks in the world!"
428
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:58,040
Riggle's manager, Gary G, insists
429
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,100
that this is also being taken out of context.
430
00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:02,200
But, really, how likely is that?
431
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,190
We ask our farcical scenarios expert,
432
00:16:05,190 --> 00:16:07,200
Paula Espizito. Paula?
433
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,110
-(big band music playing)
434
00:16:16,230 --> 00:16:19,170
-Dude, I thought your stupid tweet was gonna wreck this party,
435
00:16:19,170 --> 00:16:21,200
but not bad.
436
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,020
-Are you kidding me?
437
00:16:23,020 --> 00:16:24,050
I guess it's official.
438
00:16:25,060 --> 00:16:26,110
No one likes me anymore.
439
00:16:27,110 --> 00:16:28,180
-Somebody likes you, bro.
440
00:16:28,180 --> 00:16:29,190
-Oh, God.
441
00:16:29,190 --> 00:16:31,070
-Whoa! Brian Urlacher?
442
00:16:31,070 --> 00:16:33,000
Hall of Famer Brain Urlacher?
443
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,180
Oh, my gosh!
444
00:16:34,180 --> 00:16:36,200
You look even cooler in person.
445
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,060
-Thank you.
446
00:16:38,060 --> 00:16:41,020
I wouldn't miss my good buddy's special day for anything.
447
00:16:41,020 --> 00:16:42,050
Here, where should I put this?
448
00:16:42,050 --> 00:16:44,190
-Oh, you can put it right over there on the gift table. -Brian: Thanks.
449
00:16:44,190 --> 00:16:45,200
-What are you doing?
450
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,070
-That guy is cool. He exudes cool.
451
00:16:48,070 --> 00:16:49,070
-Rob: All right.
452
00:16:51,050 --> 00:16:52,190
-Great stage show, Rob.
453
00:16:52,190 --> 00:16:54,110
-Hey, thanks, Bri!
454
00:16:54,110 --> 00:16:56,060
(mutters) Son of a bitch.
455
00:16:56,060 --> 00:16:58,110
Hey, I thought we were supposed to get the New York Dancettes.
456
00:16:58,110 --> 00:17:01,000
-Yeah, the Dancettes refused to perform
457
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,080
except for this one.
458
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:03,120
She's desperate.
459
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,020
Her son needs a liver transplant.
460
00:17:05,020 --> 00:17:06,050
I know a guy.
461
00:17:06,050 --> 00:17:07,090
It's not a human liver.
462
00:17:07,090 --> 00:17:08,170
-Jesus!
463
00:17:08,170 --> 00:17:10,070
-(whispers) She'll never know.
464
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:12,090
-Preggers: Son of a dick.
465
00:17:12,090 --> 00:17:14,080
Urlacher got in.
466
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,220
I was supposed to keep him out with extreme prejudice.
467
00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:18,210
I let Rob down.
468
00:17:18,210 --> 00:17:20,080
I guess that's my life now.
469
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,090
I'm just cursed to show off a sweet ass,
470
00:17:22,090 --> 00:17:24,060
but never kick one again.
471
00:17:24,060 --> 00:17:25,140
-How will you pee?
472
00:17:25,140 --> 00:17:27,010
-Chauncey, it's a wet suit.
473
00:17:27,010 --> 00:17:29,100
Okay, it's built for peeing in.
474
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:31,140
-You're peeing right now, aren't you? -Hundred percent.
475
00:17:31,140 --> 00:17:34,220
Uh-oh. Regretting that one, though.
476
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:38,040
-Okay, honey, I, uh, finally found that cattle prod you needed.
477
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:39,130
-Ah! -What do you need it for?
478
00:17:39,130 --> 00:17:41,130
-Gil's girlfriend, to kill her.
479
00:17:41,130 --> 00:17:42,230
-With a cattle prod?
480
00:17:42,230 --> 00:17:44,100
-Yeah, it might take some time,
481
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:46,100
but trust me, it'll get the job done.
482
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:49,030
-Thank you, everyone, and thank you, Janice.
483
00:17:49,030 --> 00:17:50,040
-(applause)
484
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,140
-And now for our next act,
485
00:17:51,140 --> 00:17:54,150
we have one quarter of the barbershop quartet,
486
00:17:54,150 --> 00:17:56,010
Barry and the Tones.
487
00:17:56,010 --> 00:17:57,190
-(applause)
488
00:17:59,180 --> 00:18:01,140
-(pitch pipe hums)
489
00:18:03,050 --> 00:18:05,010
♪ Good old... ♪
490
00:18:05,010 --> 00:18:07,040
♪ Time ♪
491
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:08,220
♪ Good old... ♪
492
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:11,120
♪...mertime, stroll... ♪
493
00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:15,090
♪ ...dy lane, with... ♪
494
00:18:15,090 --> 00:18:18,150
♪ Baby mine, oh ♪
495
00:18:18,150 --> 00:18:21,170
♪ Yours, that's... ♪
496
00:18:21,170 --> 00:18:24,140
♪ Good sign, she's... ♪
497
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:28,000
♪ In the good old... ♪
498
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,090
-Happy Riggle Day, everybody.
499
00:18:29,090 --> 00:18:32,020
-Oh, and you were afraid no one was gonna show up.
500
00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:35,080
-Everyone, meet Tabitha.
501
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:36,140
She's my girlfriend.
502
00:18:36,140 --> 00:18:38,020
-(quietly) It's a pile of seaweed.
503
00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:40,170
-Oh, this is so sad.
504
00:18:40,170 --> 00:18:42,080
-Well, say hello.
505
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,110
-Rob: Uh...
506
00:18:47,170 --> 00:18:49,110
Hello, Tabitha.
507
00:18:49,110 --> 00:18:51,060
-Well, what should we do? We can't kill it.
508
00:18:51,060 --> 00:18:53,000
-(sighs) I know.
509
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,130
I'm as bummed as you are.
510
00:18:54,130 --> 00:18:57,140
-Hey, Tabitha. I'm Brian.
511
00:18:57,140 --> 00:19:00,120
-♪ In good old... mertime ♪
512
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,020
-This is a goddamn disaster.
513
00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:03,060
-Or is it?
514
00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:06,140
I saw a bunch of people outside who look ready to par-tay.
515
00:19:06,140 --> 00:19:09,170
-Crowd (chanting): Riggle sucks! Riggle sucks!
516
00:19:09,170 --> 00:19:12,160
Riggle sucks! Riggle sucks!
517
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,210
Riggle sucks! Riggle sucks!
518
00:19:15,210 --> 00:19:17,150
Riggle sucks!
519
00:19:17,150 --> 00:19:20,050
Riggle sucks! -Guys and gals,
520
00:19:20,050 --> 00:19:22,060
thank you so much for coming to my party.
521
00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:24,170
-We're here to protest Riggle Day.
522
00:19:24,170 --> 00:19:25,180
-Oh, hold on. Hold on now.
523
00:19:25,180 --> 00:19:27,150
Come on. That was a mix-up. All right?
524
00:19:27,150 --> 00:19:31,030
I had no idea what that beautiful word meant on the Internet.
525
00:19:31,030 --> 00:19:33,220
-What about your tweet about the first responders, you son of a bitch?
526
00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:36,110
-Okay, well, I did not mean firefighters like you.
527
00:19:36,110 --> 00:19:40,150
I meant uncool nerds who RSVP immediately to invitations, huh?
528
00:19:40,150 --> 00:19:42,050
-Yeah, I do that, too, you jerk!
529
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:43,220
-I say kill him!
530
00:19:43,220 --> 00:19:46,060
-Oh, hold on. Hey, take it easy, everybody. Just relax.
531
00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,140
-(chanting continues) -Damn it! Rob's in real trouble.
532
00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:50,010
-Preggers?! A little help?!
533
00:19:50,010 --> 00:19:53,160
-Wet suit or not, I'm comin' for you, Rob!
534
00:19:55,090 --> 00:19:58,200
-♪ Good times to... ♪
535
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,050
♪ In the good old... ♪
536
00:20:01,050 --> 00:20:03,140
♪ ...mertime, ♪
537
00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:05,140
♪ Good old... ♪
538
00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:08,020
♪ Time, good old ♪
539
00:20:09,020 --> 00:20:12,160
♪ ...mertime, stroll... ♪
540
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,140
♪ ...dy lane with ♪
541
00:20:15,210 --> 00:20:16,220
-(Preggers grunts)
542
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:20,150
-You know what?
543
00:20:20,150 --> 00:20:21,220
This party isn't so bad.
544
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:24,030
-Shit yeah, Rob.
545
00:20:24,030 --> 00:20:25,120
-Shit, yeah!
546
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:29,190
-All in all, not my worst birthday ever.
547
00:20:29,190 --> 00:20:32,070
That would probably be the day I was actually born.
548
00:20:32,070 --> 00:20:34,030
I slipped out of the doctor's hands,
549
00:20:34,030 --> 00:20:36,140
and went face-first into my mom's beav again.
550
00:20:36,140 --> 00:20:37,150
-Cool. -Gary: Great story.
551
00:20:37,150 --> 00:20:39,010
-At least no one died this time.
552
00:20:39,010 --> 00:20:40,020
-Actually, that's not true.
553
00:20:40,020 --> 00:20:41,100
Another funny story.
554
00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:43,020
You guys remember Gaston LeBone?
555
00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:45,080
Well, apparently, he was mauled to death
556
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:47,130
by a bichon uprising.
557
00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:51,130
I'm told it's one of the more adorable bloodbaths on record.
558
00:20:51,130 --> 00:20:53,060
-(dogs barking) -Ah! Stay back!
559
00:20:53,060 --> 00:20:54,160
-(bones crunching) -(screams)
560
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,170
No! (screams)
561
00:20:57,170 --> 00:20:59,230
-That guy was a character, wasn't here? -Oh God, yes.
562
00:20:59,230 --> 00:21:01,200
-Anyway, we're all clear on that story, right?
563
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,000
-Yeah, I think we're clear.
564
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,190
Uh, an insane misunderstanding that could only happen to you,
565
00:21:05,190 --> 00:21:07,120
you blame on Brian Urlacher,
566
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,030
a canoe-loving football player,
567
00:21:09,030 --> 00:21:10,090
with absolutely no proof.
568
00:21:10,090 --> 00:21:12,040
-Exactly, and you thought my birthday was fun.
569
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:13,050
Whoa-ho-ho.
570
00:21:13,050 --> 00:21:15,020
Up next, was graduation,
571
00:21:15,020 --> 00:21:17,190
and our big stunt showcase finale.
572
00:21:17,190 --> 00:21:20,110
And let me tell you, nothing could go wrong.
573
00:21:20,110 --> 00:21:23,060
-Spoiler alert. It did.
574
00:21:23,060 --> 00:21:26,040
-♪ Now is the time ♪
575
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,180
♪ The lake is the place ♪
576
00:21:27,180 --> 00:21:29,050
-Yeah, Rob.
577
00:21:29,050 --> 00:21:30,190
-Rob: Shit, yeah, Preggers.
578
00:21:30,190 --> 00:21:32,150
-What?
579
00:21:32,150 --> 00:21:34,090
Looking at her? No! I--
580
00:21:34,090 --> 00:21:35,220
I was not staring at her body.
581
00:21:35,220 --> 00:21:37,040
Oh, honey!
582
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,070
Baby, come on!
583
00:21:39,070 --> 00:21:40,190
Are we breaking up?
584
00:21:41,230 --> 00:21:44,160
-♪ It's really great to be at ♪
585
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,180
♪ Ski Master Academy ♪
586
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:51,000
♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪
587
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,090
♪ We will kick your ass ♪
588
00:21:53,090 --> 00:21:55,070
-(roars)
589
00:21:55,070 --> 00:21:57,000
-Right on time.
41370
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