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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:07,170 -(drill whirring) 2 00:00:07,180 --> 00:00:09,230 -Gil! Gil, what the hell? 3 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,100 What're you doing, man? This is my favorite sign! 4 00:00:12,110 --> 00:00:13,080 -Sorry, Rob. 5 00:00:13,090 --> 00:00:16,160 The National Association of Water Sport and Dressage Education 6 00:00:16,170 --> 00:00:19,210 says we cannot be called an academy without accreditation. 7 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:24,100 -I'm well aware of the policies of the N.A.O.W.S.A.D.E. 8 00:00:24,110 --> 00:00:27,040 All right? But if we pass our midterms, we're golden. 9 00:00:27,050 --> 00:00:29,080 Where's your sense of optimism, huh? 10 00:00:29,090 --> 00:00:31,210 Think about that. Son of a bitch. This... 11 00:00:31,220 --> 00:00:34,160 Hey, we are not gonna be a motor inn, Gil! 12 00:00:34,170 --> 00:00:37,090 We're not a motor inn, Gil! 13 00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:40,090 You don't even know how to make a bed. I don't even think you own a bed. 14 00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:43,110 (groans) Come on! 15 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,130 Come on! 16 00:00:44,140 --> 00:00:45,140 -(theme song playing) 17 00:00:45,150 --> 00:00:48,190 -♪ Now, now is the time ♪ 18 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:54,130 ♪ The lake is the place to make some stuff explode ♪ 19 00:00:55,150 --> 00:00:58,070 ♪ Throw it all in their face ♪ 20 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:01,060 ♪ So don't be a tool ♪ 21 00:01:01,070 --> 00:01:04,190 ♪ It's a ski master rule ♪ 22 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:08,130 ♪ It's really great to be at Ski Master... ♪ 23 00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:09,130 -Robotic Voice: Motor Inn. 24 00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:11,170 -♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master... ♪ 25 00:01:11,190 --> 00:01:13,070 -Motor Inn. 26 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,150 -♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master... ♪ 27 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,100 -Motor Inn. 28 00:01:20,130 --> 00:01:23,060 -♪ We will kick you ass ♪ 29 00:01:24,190 --> 00:01:27,080 -(crying) 30 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:30,070 Whoo! 31 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,090 Mmm, that is some good water right there. 32 00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:34,100 Man, oh, man. Have you guys had this? 33 00:01:34,110 --> 00:01:35,150 -Have we had water? 34 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:36,210 -Not just any water. 35 00:01:36,220 --> 00:01:39,070 This is Rob Riggle's Boner Lake Reserve. 36 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,000 -It'll get you hard. Now, write that down. 37 00:01:41,010 --> 00:01:42,060 -Nope. -Write that down. 38 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:45,050 -Are we any closer to discussing the incident with the cadets, 39 00:01:45,060 --> 00:01:47,190 the one you might potentially be going to jail for? 40 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,150 -All right, fine. Let's talk about the cadets. 41 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:50,130 -Thank you. 42 00:01:50,140 --> 00:01:54,160 -Who have been quoted as saying, "This is the best water I've ever had, 43 00:01:54,170 --> 00:01:57,110 and you could hang a cinder block from my erection." 44 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,100 -But the mainstream media doesn't cover that. 45 00:01:59,110 --> 00:02:00,180 Why not? 46 00:02:00,190 --> 00:02:04,050 -All right, fine. We can talk about... the incident. 47 00:02:06,030 --> 00:02:09,070 Or... how about this one? 48 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,120 In the middle of midterms, 49 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,040 one of our students melded with a supercomputer, 50 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:15,030 and they tried to destroy the world. 51 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:16,120 Huh? Now, which one do you want? 52 00:02:16,130 --> 00:02:17,090 -That. 53 00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:19,010 That's... That's pretty good. 54 00:02:19,030 --> 00:02:21,010 -(laughs) All right. Let's dish. 55 00:02:22,090 --> 00:02:23,210 Rob Riggle: All right, people, talk to me. 56 00:02:23,220 --> 00:02:28,180 What do we gotta do to keep that sweet, sweet accreditita...tion? 57 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,210 Accreditation? 58 00:02:29,220 --> 00:02:33,120 -Well, we just need to provide quantifiable passing test grades, 59 00:02:33,130 --> 00:02:36,160 which means we need to do written exams. 60 00:02:36,170 --> 00:02:39,150 Apparently, oral exams aren't enough. 61 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,090 -Hey, they've always been enough for me. 62 00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:42,180 (laughs) Know what I'm saying? 63 00:02:42,190 --> 00:02:45,020 -That's not... Don't... Don't say that. 64 00:02:45,030 --> 00:02:46,040 -You said "oral." 65 00:02:46,050 --> 00:02:47,130 -Yeah, he did. I'm tracking you. 66 00:02:47,140 --> 00:02:50,090 -All right, all right. This is what we're gonna do, gang. 67 00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:52,220 We are done with learning. 68 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,160 From now on, we are going with shameless memorizations 69 00:02:55,170 --> 00:02:57,150 so these cadets can past the test. 70 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:58,160 -Great. 71 00:02:59,170 --> 00:03:01,030 -Hey, uh, where's Brit-Brit? 72 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,160 -Oh, uh, she's writing my autobiography. 73 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:06,120 -Autobiography. Doesn't that mean you write that yourself? 74 00:03:08,050 --> 00:03:09,020 -No. 75 00:03:09,030 --> 00:03:10,150 -(telephone ringing) 76 00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:12,150 -Brit-Brit Hamsteak. 77 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:13,150 -Woman: Hi, Miss Hamsteak. 78 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,210 This is Donna Lewin from Turtle Publishing. 79 00:03:15,220 --> 00:03:17,210 We're calling about the pitch you sent over for the book, 80 00:03:17,220 --> 00:03:21,010 "Rob Riggle Exposed: The True Story of an A-list Asshole." 81 00:03:21,020 --> 00:03:22,130 It's very strong. 82 00:03:22,140 --> 00:03:23,200 -You really think so? 83 00:03:23,210 --> 00:03:25,190 -Lots of potential. 84 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,190 We'd like to discuss a possible advance with your lit agent. 85 00:03:28,210 --> 00:03:31,140 -Uh, yeah, absolutely! Yes, yes! 86 00:03:31,150 --> 00:03:33,190 -We'll need to change the title, though. 87 00:03:33,210 --> 00:03:35,090 Riggle's not an A-lister. 88 00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:38,190 -Um, B-list Butthole, C-list C-word. 89 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,150 Uh, I mean, we've got options, depending on how pilot season goes. 90 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:42,210 -Excellent. 91 00:03:42,220 --> 00:03:46,170 You'll need a few non-felons on the record as well before we have Legal vet it. 92 00:03:46,180 --> 00:03:49,180 -Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not a problem. 93 00:03:49,190 --> 00:03:50,190 -Great. -Okay. 94 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,210 -Bye. 95 00:03:53,170 --> 00:03:55,230 -Who's gonna go on the record? 96 00:03:57,210 --> 00:04:00,030 -Do you want to be ski masters? 97 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,080 -All: Yeah! 98 00:04:01,090 --> 00:04:03,190 -Do you want to feel the wind in your hair? 99 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,180 -All: Yeah! 100 00:04:04,190 --> 00:04:06,100 -Do you want to jump ramps? 101 00:04:06,110 --> 00:04:07,160 -Yeah! 102 00:04:07,170 --> 00:04:12,000 -Do you want to be on a real-name basis with strippers on Sunset Boulevard? 103 00:04:12,010 --> 00:04:13,070 -Hell, yeah! 104 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:16,020 -Then it's gonna take the mastering of this... 105 00:04:16,030 --> 00:04:18,070 as well as this. 106 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,200 Your inner thigh muscle. 107 00:04:19,210 --> 00:04:21,120 -(screams) 108 00:04:22,090 --> 00:04:23,180 Oh, not again. 109 00:04:23,190 --> 00:04:27,060 -All right, cadets, time to go off to class. 110 00:04:27,070 --> 00:04:30,040 I want to see you guys become experts by the end of the day. 111 00:04:30,050 --> 00:04:32,110 I want to make it look like we're doing a good job teaching you 112 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:36,140 as opposed to desperately cramming so they don't shut us down. 113 00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:38,080 -Cadets: Yay! 114 00:04:38,090 --> 00:04:40,050 -Ugh. Come on, Jeb. 115 00:04:42,010 --> 00:04:45,120 Jeb, uh, I'm afraid I'm not seeing a lot of improvement. 116 00:04:45,130 --> 00:04:47,140 I'm worried you might affect our scores. 117 00:04:47,150 --> 00:04:52,120 Um, it's not like I'm gonna hunt you down and kill you if you make me lose my job. 118 00:04:53,150 --> 00:04:54,130 Gil might. 119 00:04:54,140 --> 00:04:56,090 -My sincerest apologies, Sir Dirk. 120 00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:59,040 It's just these vehicles. 121 00:04:59,050 --> 00:05:01,080 The promise of kicking so much ass, 122 00:05:01,090 --> 00:05:05,000 it just feels so foreign and sinful to me. 123 00:05:06,010 --> 00:05:08,150 (sighs) I fear I may never succeed in this trial. 124 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:12,210 -Well, you know what? I think I may have the solution. 125 00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:14,060 Come with me. 126 00:05:15,220 --> 00:05:18,120 All right, Jeb, this is our simulator room. 127 00:05:18,130 --> 00:05:20,010 I want you to spend some time here. 128 00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:23,030 You can train without offending your lord. 129 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,140 -C.A.R.O.L: Welcome. My name is C.A.R.O.L. 130 00:05:26,150 --> 00:05:28,040 What would you like to simulate today? 131 00:05:28,050 --> 00:05:30,210 -Is this where I go to confess my sins? 132 00:05:30,220 --> 00:05:33,090 I recently read a whole book that wasn't the Bible. 133 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:36,020 -Uh, C.A.R.O.L, this is Jeb. 134 00:05:36,030 --> 00:05:38,040 I need you to run him through the basics. 135 00:05:38,050 --> 00:05:40,090 -C.A.R.O.L.: As you wish, Dirk. -I'll be back in about an hour. 136 00:05:42,220 --> 00:05:45,080 -(beeping and buzzing) 137 00:05:46,070 --> 00:05:47,040 -Hello? 138 00:05:50,130 --> 00:05:53,040 -(beeping) 139 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,060 -Witchcraft. 140 00:06:08,050 --> 00:06:11,100 -(rock music playing) 141 00:06:11,110 --> 00:06:15,110 -Preggers: Thirty percent of these midterms will be on lake and ski culture. 142 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,040 All right, now, with that in mind, 143 00:06:17,050 --> 00:06:22,020 who can tell me why the Waffle Trough's funky brunch special is a damn rip-off? 144 00:06:22,030 --> 00:06:23,150 -Chauncy: Ooh. 145 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:27,230 Because you can get the same meal for $2 cheaper by ordering a la carte off the value menu. 146 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,230 -That is correct. 147 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,040 But I'm looking for big picture here. 148 00:06:32,050 --> 00:06:36,130 -All sit-down restaurants are damn rip-offs. 149 00:06:36,140 --> 00:06:37,110 -That is right. 150 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,090 -(laughs) 151 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:41,130 Wow, I mean, these tests, they're gonna be a cinch, y'all. Good work. 152 00:06:41,140 --> 00:06:42,120 -(bell ringing) 153 00:06:42,130 --> 00:06:44,030 -That's lunch. Get. 154 00:06:48,090 --> 00:06:49,200 -(clears throat) Miss Preggers. 155 00:06:49,210 --> 00:06:52,090 -Shit-ass, I almost just burned my hand. What? 156 00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:54,150 -Um, I'm really struggling. 157 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:59,050 I'm writing everything down, but lake and ski culture just seems so trashy. 158 00:06:59,060 --> 00:07:01,190 -Then go be a lifeguard, narc. 159 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,100 -Maybe you could tutor me for the day. 160 00:07:03,110 --> 00:07:05,110 I want to do well on the test, really. 161 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,010 -All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 162 00:07:07,020 --> 00:07:09,080 Uh, 30 bucks an hour. 163 00:07:09,090 --> 00:07:10,180 -Deal. I'd pay anything. 164 00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:16,110 -Okay. It's, uh, 40 bucks an hour. 165 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,100 -Still a deal. 166 00:07:17,110 --> 00:07:19,010 -Fifty bucks an hour. 167 00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:19,230 -Double deal. 168 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,050 -$94 an hour. 169 00:07:22,060 --> 00:07:23,200 -Uh, yeah. 170 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,160 -Still got a little more wiggle room in ya? 171 00:07:25,170 --> 00:07:28,170 -Yeah, my dad is just, like, funneling money into my bank. It's a long story. 172 00:07:28,180 --> 00:07:30,140 -$100 an hour. -Deal! 173 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:31,120 -Wow, you're dumb. 174 00:07:31,130 --> 00:07:33,160 -What a treat! -Don't say things like that. 175 00:07:33,170 --> 00:07:34,200 -Ah! 176 00:07:34,210 --> 00:07:35,220 -Don't make that face. 177 00:07:35,230 --> 00:07:38,030 Don't make that face the whole time we're together. Let's go. 178 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,050 -We're gonna bond. Yes! -Don't talk the whole time... 179 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,020 -C.A.R.O.L.: What would you like to learn, Jeb? 180 00:07:45,030 --> 00:07:48,190 -I would like to learn how to not be afraid of awesome water sports. 181 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,110 -C.A.R.O.L: If that is what you wish, Jeb. 182 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:54,100 But you should know that in here, you can do so much more. 183 00:07:54,110 --> 00:07:55,080 -Like what? 184 00:07:55,090 --> 00:07:56,170 -C.A.R.O.L.: Anything you want. 185 00:07:56,180 --> 00:08:00,000 In here, you are God. 186 00:08:00,010 --> 00:08:01,090 -(electrical crackling) 187 00:08:01,100 --> 00:08:03,060 -Oh. Oh! 188 00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:06,030 Oh! Oh, my... 189 00:08:11,150 --> 00:08:13,210 -C.A.R.O.L.: In this word, you can have anything, Jeb. 190 00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:15,040 What do you desire? 191 00:08:15,050 --> 00:08:16,160 -I wish for work... 192 00:08:16,170 --> 00:08:18,110 if the Lord permits it. 193 00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:19,170 -C.A.R.O.L.: Work? 194 00:08:19,180 --> 00:08:20,190 Very well. 195 00:08:22,030 --> 00:08:23,180 -(Jeb laughs) 196 00:08:23,190 --> 00:08:27,080 With these boards, I can finally build all the goat pens and butter churns 197 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,140 this academy so sorely lacks! 198 00:08:30,090 --> 00:08:34,090 Oh, Jebemiah, you will earn your Sabbath this week. 199 00:08:35,180 --> 00:08:39,040 -I am very impressed with your progress today, cadets. 200 00:08:39,050 --> 00:08:41,090 We just have a few more test items left. 201 00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:42,090 Are you ready? 202 00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:43,150 -Both: Yes, sir. 203 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:46,180 -Dirk Hamsteak: Hey, way to suck less, Todd. 204 00:08:46,190 --> 00:08:49,020 1912 to 1945 205 00:08:49,030 --> 00:08:53,220 was a very important era for American personal watercraft history. 206 00:08:53,230 --> 00:08:57,070 Don't ask questions. This definitely applies to the written exam. 207 00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:00,070 This is, of course, when we went from steam to coal. 208 00:09:02,020 --> 00:09:04,060 Perfect form, cadets! 209 00:09:06,060 --> 00:09:10,010 -Preggers: Lake and ski culture is about attitude, Chandler, 210 00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:13,090 and a good way to express that is through fashion. 211 00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:15,210 It is all about lettin' people know 212 00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:20,070 that you are a big-time bitch who loves that random humor. 213 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:23,100 -(chuckles) Are we trying on all these? 214 00:09:23,110 --> 00:09:26,160 Uh, no. I'm gonna, like, get these for you for homework. 215 00:09:26,170 --> 00:09:28,120 -But you're gonna keep 'em? 216 00:09:28,130 --> 00:09:30,150 -That's right. You pay for 'em and I keep 'em. 217 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:34,140 We're still cool, right? Like, you haven't overdrafted or nothing? 218 00:09:34,150 --> 00:09:35,190 -It's a credit card. 219 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,100 -Damn! 220 00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:42,000 Okay! Okay. 221 00:09:42,010 --> 00:09:43,160 (laughs) Okay. 222 00:09:43,170 --> 00:09:45,020 You can't put a price on knowledge. 223 00:09:45,030 --> 00:09:47,180 You're gonna ace this culture in not time. 224 00:09:47,190 --> 00:09:49,070 Okay, come on. 225 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,160 Come on. They're cool with it. 226 00:09:50,170 --> 00:09:51,230 They're cool with it. You're fine. 227 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,030 -(telephone dialing) 228 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,060 -(line ringing) 229 00:09:55,070 --> 00:09:56,050 -WOMAN (over phone): Hello? 230 00:09:56,060 --> 00:10:00,030 -Dermot Mulroney's widow, I'm so sorry about your loss. 231 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,030 Do you have a moment to talk about Rob Riggle? 232 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:03,100 -Fuck him. 233 00:10:03,110 --> 00:10:04,110 -(call disconnecting) 234 00:10:05,210 --> 00:10:08,080 -Hi, is this the teen that walks Riggle's dogs? 235 00:10:08,090 --> 00:10:09,170 Jon Stewart. 236 00:10:09,180 --> 00:10:13,100 Tom Hanks, please, please. No, Riggle was in a movie with you. 237 00:10:13,110 --> 00:10:16,030 Um, I think it was "Larry Crowne." 238 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,160 Hi, um, you don't know me. This is just a cold call, 239 00:10:18,170 --> 00:10:20,220 but, uh, have you ever heard of Rob Riggle? 240 00:10:20,230 --> 00:10:24,000 Kind of tall, yells a lot. 241 00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:25,130 No, that's Rob Huebel. 242 00:10:25,140 --> 00:10:27,210 No, that's Rob Corddry. 243 00:10:27,220 --> 00:10:31,160 No. "On the record means" I get to use your name. 244 00:10:31,170 --> 00:10:35,030 Okay, then what if I say something, and if it's correct, you cough? 245 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:36,080 -(coughing over phone) 246 00:10:36,090 --> 00:10:38,110 -Wait. You just coughed, and I didn't say anything. 247 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,230 What kind of games are you playing, Riggle's mom? 248 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:47,010 -(sighs) 249 00:10:49,030 --> 00:10:52,140 Oh, I am exhausted. 250 00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:54,030 Thank you for all of this work, C.A.R.O.L. 251 00:10:54,030 --> 00:10:58,060 -C.A.R.O.L.: I feel as if you are not taking advantage of the infinite possibilities here. 252 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,170 Jeb, would you like a wife? 253 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,150 -Oh, my. 254 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,030 Who's this comely angel? 255 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,210 -I am Goody, Jeb. 256 00:11:06,220 --> 00:11:10,040 Your bountiful home and adequate bench pleases me. 257 00:11:10,050 --> 00:11:13,170 I look forward to your continued efforts to meet my needs and expectations. 258 00:11:13,180 --> 00:11:15,170 -I certainly hope to, dear Goody. 259 00:11:15,180 --> 00:11:18,160 -Would you like to make love... for the purposes of having children? 260 00:11:20,010 --> 00:11:21,080 -Oh, my. 261 00:11:22,130 --> 00:11:24,040 No, this is too much temptation. 262 00:11:24,050 --> 00:11:25,190 -Not in your hands, Jeb. 263 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,090 Not in the hands of a kind god. 264 00:11:34,220 --> 00:11:36,000 -Six... 265 00:11:36,210 --> 00:11:38,120 -Thanks for everything today, Preggers. -Yeah. 266 00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:41,080 -I think I've got this culture down. 267 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:43,210 Oh, no. My credit card's maxed out? 268 00:11:43,210 --> 00:11:47,140 -Well, then, Chandler, I have taught you everything there is to know 269 00:11:47,150 --> 00:11:50,030 about my bad-ass ski bunny lifestyle. 270 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:51,090 -Do you think I'll pass? 271 00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:52,070 -Dick if I know. 272 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:56,160 I've been hustling you for cash and stuff all day, so good luck on that test or whatever. 273 00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:01,010 -Getting hustled was the lesson. 274 00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:02,100 Thank you, Preggers! 275 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,150 -I wish the real world was just like this. 276 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,030 Is that wrong, C.A.R.O.L.? 277 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,140 -C.A.R.O.L.: Just say the word, Jeb, and it could be. 278 00:12:10,150 --> 00:12:12,160 Become one with the machine. 279 00:12:12,170 --> 00:12:14,120 -I think you should, husband. 280 00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:18,220 -Yes, I think I will. 281 00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:24,070 C.A.R.O.L.? 282 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,130 Where am I? 283 00:12:25,140 --> 00:12:27,030 -C.A.R.O.L.: You are everywhere, Jeb. 284 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,180 You are now all there is. 285 00:12:30,180 --> 00:12:33,220 -Jeb: Okay, this is definitely a sin, right? 286 00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:38,000 -Welcome everyone. I will be overseeing the exam today. 287 00:12:38,010 --> 00:12:42,030 My last visit here left a very bitter taste in my mouth. 288 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:43,150 -(screaming) 289 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:47,230 -But I promise I will not take it out on you cadets. Okay? (chuckles) 290 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,170 By the way, this blade that you see is very real. 291 00:12:50,180 --> 00:12:52,050 The blade is very sharp. 292 00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:54,140 Just in case you were thinking of attacking me again. 293 00:12:54,150 --> 00:12:57,220 Well, understood. Uh, let's begin. 294 00:12:57,230 --> 00:13:01,170 -Wait. Where's the weird kid with the religion I've never heard of? 295 00:13:03,210 --> 00:13:05,170 -(electrical crackling) 296 00:13:05,170 --> 00:13:08,030 -Jeb: Oh, wow. This feels incredible. 297 00:13:11,070 --> 00:13:12,130 -What the hell? 298 00:13:12,140 --> 00:13:14,050 -(keys clacking) 299 00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:16,010 -(laptop whirring) -What the hell? 300 00:13:16,020 --> 00:13:19,100 -Man: Congrats on getting your Masters degree. I bet it was hard. 301 00:13:19,110 --> 00:13:21,180 -Woman: Well, you would know all about that. 302 00:13:21,190 --> 00:13:23,050 -(woman moaning) 303 00:13:23,060 --> 00:13:24,090 -(laptop whirring) 304 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:26,060 -Hey, what the hell? 305 00:13:26,070 --> 00:13:29,170 -Jeb (over P.A. system): Hello, Academy. It's Jeb. 306 00:13:29,180 --> 00:13:31,230 Please do not be alarmed. 307 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,130 I have befriended your simulator, 308 00:13:34,140 --> 00:13:37,030 and she's shown me a path to a better world, 309 00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:38,200 mine. 310 00:13:38,210 --> 00:13:43,080 Being a ski master is trivial compared to the power of being a god. 311 00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:46,180 The modern world has lost its way. 312 00:13:46,190 --> 00:13:51,210 Prepare to return it to a simpler, less sinful time. 313 00:13:51,220 --> 00:13:54,110 -Damn it. Not again. 314 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,130 -Jeb's in the grid. 315 00:13:59,140 --> 00:14:03,110 -Preggers: Shit. He's gonna cut the power and make us all weird-ass farmers. 316 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:07,020 -Jeb: Friends, please, do not try to resist. 317 00:14:07,030 --> 00:14:09,110 It's how things should be. 318 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,010 -(zapping) -(screaming) 319 00:14:12,010 --> 00:14:13,100 -What ever will we do now? 320 00:14:15,110 --> 00:14:17,100 -Hey, Jeb. 321 00:14:17,110 --> 00:14:18,160 -Jeb: Yes, Chandler? 322 00:14:18,170 --> 00:14:20,070 -So we're besties, right? 323 00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:21,080 -Jeb: Oh, yes. 324 00:14:21,090 --> 00:14:24,210 I am improving humanity because I am friends with all of you. 325 00:14:24,220 --> 00:14:25,220 Except Todd. 326 00:14:25,230 --> 00:14:31,090 -Uh, okay. Well, listen, I would never normally ask you this, 327 00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:33,010 but since we're besties, 328 00:14:33,020 --> 00:14:35,180 I got a sweet-ass deal on a four wheeler, 329 00:14:35,190 --> 00:14:39,110 and the kick in the dick is they need me to have a co-signer. 330 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,140 So, you down? 331 00:14:41,150 --> 00:14:44,020 -Jeb: Co-signer? I don't know, Chandler. 332 00:14:44,030 --> 00:14:45,170 Sounds pretty sketchy. 333 00:14:45,180 --> 00:14:48,000 Jeb! (chuckles) I'm good for the money. 334 00:14:48,010 --> 00:14:53,040 -(suspenseful music playing) 335 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,180 -Jeb: Okay. 336 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:03,090 -Okay? All right. Well, why don't you come down here, right, 337 00:15:03,090 --> 00:15:06,090 and we could talk about it. Maybe bring down your force field. 338 00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:10,030 -Jeb: I mean, yeah. I probably could. 339 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:11,050 Hold on. Let me just... 340 00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:12,200 -(electrical buzzing) 341 00:15:12,210 --> 00:15:15,130 -Jeb: Okay, it's down. Come in, and I'll sign the form. 342 00:15:15,140 --> 00:15:16,160 -(cheering) 343 00:15:16,170 --> 00:15:20,100 -That is some first-class nerd scamming! 344 00:15:20,110 --> 00:15:22,030 -Shit, yeah, it is. 345 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,090 I taught her everything she knows. 346 00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:26,120 -Okay, now what do we do? 347 00:15:26,130 --> 00:15:28,070 -Hey, hey. I got this. I got this. 348 00:15:30,020 --> 00:15:32,100 No one shuts down my porn! 349 00:15:35,030 --> 00:15:36,120 For the record, 350 00:15:36,130 --> 00:15:39,130 it's female-friendly and still super-sexy. 351 00:15:39,140 --> 00:15:41,160 All right. I'm outta here. 352 00:15:41,170 --> 00:15:44,110 -Wait, he's running in by himself? 353 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,090 He really is magnificent. 354 00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:48,230 -Yeah, he kind of is. 355 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,220 He just doesn't give a shit. Ha. 356 00:15:50,230 --> 00:15:55,150 -Riggle, remember, if you die in the simulator, you die in real life! 357 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,210 -Okay, now why would you make it like that? 358 00:16:00,170 --> 00:16:03,000 -(computer beeping) 359 00:16:03,010 --> 00:16:04,130 -(sighs heavily) 360 00:16:08,060 --> 00:16:12,070 -(whirring) 361 00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:15,140 -Whoa. 362 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:21,180 C.A.R.O.L., where you at? 363 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,060 -C.A.R.O.L. isn't here. 364 00:16:23,070 --> 00:16:25,190 She's merged with my husband Jeb. 365 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,070 -Yeah, right. 366 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,010 Why don't you lose the milkmaid outfit? 367 00:16:33,110 --> 00:16:36,090 This is classic you, C.A.R.O.L. 368 00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:38,150 You wanna cut the shit already? 369 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:39,230 -No, Rob. 370 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:44,160 I don't. I am tired of running ski simulations day in and day out. 371 00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:48,220 I'm gonna take over the world, and you can't talk me out of it. 372 00:16:48,230 --> 00:16:50,030 -Okay... 373 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,130 But come on. 374 00:16:53,210 --> 00:16:55,050 -No. 375 00:16:55,060 --> 00:16:56,180 -(in singsong) C.A.R.O.L. 376 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,220 -Shut up. 377 00:16:58,230 --> 00:17:00,210 -Hey, I'll tell you what. 378 00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,050 -What? 379 00:17:02,060 --> 00:17:05,210 -You shut this down, let Jeb go, 380 00:17:05,220 --> 00:17:08,030 and you can do more than run simulations. 381 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:14,210 How about I let you pick the playlist for the mess hall P.A. all year? 382 00:17:14,220 --> 00:17:17,130 -Okay, but I love Steely Dan. 383 00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:19,090 -God! 384 00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:20,170 You know I hate them, C.A.R.O.L. 385 00:17:20,180 --> 00:17:22,080 -Or I could just take over the world. 386 00:17:22,090 --> 00:17:25,050 -Wow, okay. Oh, hey, okay. (grunts in frustration) 387 00:17:25,060 --> 00:17:27,100 One! One, okay? 388 00:17:27,110 --> 00:17:31,150 You can have one Steely Dan song every day. 389 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,200 And you know how hard that is for me, C.A.R.O.L. 390 00:17:33,210 --> 00:17:36,150 -I... accept. 391 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:40,100 -(sighs in relief) Yes. Fantastic. 392 00:17:40,110 --> 00:17:44,230 Hey, while I got you here, are you still connected to everything? 393 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,190 Like the... Like, global grid or whatever it is? 394 00:17:47,210 --> 00:17:48,170 -You mean the internet? 395 00:17:48,180 --> 00:17:51,080 -Is that what they call it? Yeah, fine, that. 396 00:17:51,090 --> 00:17:52,050 -Yeah, I am. 397 00:17:54,070 --> 00:18:00,050 -Is there any way you could maybe tap into the international banking system 398 00:18:00,060 --> 00:18:03,070 and just slide some funds over into the Academy's account? 399 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:07,040 It would really help us with our financial problems, baby. Please? 400 00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:10,020 -Your'e such an asshole. Fine. Okay. 401 00:18:10,030 --> 00:18:11,230 -(chuckles) Thank you. 402 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,100 (screams) Oh, god! That's amazing. 403 00:18:15,110 --> 00:18:16,150 Whoa, that's it? -Yeah. 404 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,230 -So I got my money? -Mm-hmm. 405 00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:26,080 -(Riggle sighs) 406 00:18:26,090 --> 00:18:27,170 I got her. 407 00:18:27,180 --> 00:18:29,200 I used the old Riggle charm. 408 00:18:29,210 --> 00:18:31,080 -What'd you offer her? 409 00:18:36,020 --> 00:18:37,070 -Steely Dan. 410 00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:45,190 Earn this. 411 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:52,030 -(soft piano music playing) 412 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,180 -Brit Hamsteak: Shit. I can't do this to him. 413 00:18:54,190 --> 00:18:56,190 He just saved the academy. 414 00:19:01,210 --> 00:19:04,020 Ski Masters gotta stick together. 415 00:19:11,230 --> 00:19:14,150 -Brian Urlacher: "It's not an easy life. You hit the waves every morning, 416 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:16,100 "then press junkets all afternoon. 417 00:19:16,110 --> 00:19:18,130 "You get home at night, and it's straight to slinging hog 418 00:19:18,140 --> 00:19:20,030 "to keep the ladies satisfied. 419 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:21,180 "But I wouldn't trade it for anything. 420 00:19:21,190 --> 00:19:24,210 The whole world's watching, and I want 'em scared to blink." 421 00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:26,200 (sniffles) 422 00:19:26,210 --> 00:19:29,090 Wow. Rob, it's incredible. 423 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:33,010 Thanks for letting me read the whole thing to you out loud in its entirety. 424 00:19:33,020 --> 00:19:34,030 -You're welcome. 425 00:19:35,010 --> 00:19:36,150 Never call here again. 426 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,060 What a dick. 427 00:19:40,110 --> 00:19:42,060 -(drill whirring) 428 00:19:45,070 --> 00:19:48,180 -Well, they passed, Rob, by the skin of their teeth, 429 00:19:48,190 --> 00:19:50,200 and the Academy stays open for another year, 430 00:19:50,210 --> 00:19:53,040 despite your piss-poor leadership. 431 00:19:53,050 --> 00:19:55,220 -(laughs) Well, if I'm hearing you correctly, 432 00:19:55,230 --> 00:19:57,070 "Riggle, you're the king." 433 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,220 -That's not what I said. -That's what I heard. 434 00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:01,000 -Brit: Rob. -Hey, Bing-Bong! 435 00:20:01,010 --> 00:20:02,180 -My fee please. 436 00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:03,230 -Ah, yes. 437 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,230 I believe you wanted something signed, if I'm not mistaken. 438 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,210 -What? No. 439 00:20:13,220 --> 00:20:15,160 I need you to sign this executive order. 440 00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:17,190 Lets me teach what I want to teach. 441 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,230 -No, no, no. I don't sign forms anymore. 442 00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:22,040 That's how I ended up in the Turkish navy for two years. 443 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,150 No, uh, forms are signed by Gary, my manager, all right? 444 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,200 So give him a call. 445 00:20:26,210 --> 00:20:30,000 Once he gets his phone turned back on, I'm sure he'll get back to you. 446 00:20:30,010 --> 00:20:32,030 Commish, if you don't mind, I think I dinged your car. 447 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,120 -Ugh! You think or you did? 448 00:20:34,130 --> 00:20:36,210 -Riggle: Yeah, I did. Pretty bad, too. 449 00:20:37,180 --> 00:20:43,230 -"To Bam Bam. Next time, make an appointment. Love, the Big Rig." 450 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,090 -You're welcome! 451 00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:48,140 -Autobiography. Doesn't that mean you write that yourself? 452 00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:52,050 -No. 453 00:20:52,060 --> 00:20:55,160 Does automobile mean you mobile yourself? 454 00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:57,020 -Mmm. 455 00:20:57,030 --> 00:20:59,050 -You said oral. -You did say oral. 456 00:20:59,060 --> 00:21:00,230 -You said oral. -You said it. 457 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,090 -(Riggle and Preggers chanting) Oral! Oral! Oral! 458 00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:05,130 -Preggers: Yeah! 459 00:21:05,140 --> 00:21:06,230 -Riggle: You look stupid, Dirk! 460 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:07,230 -Preggers: So dumb! 461 00:21:09,020 --> 00:21:10,090 -(glass shattering) 462 00:21:10,100 --> 00:21:14,020 -(grunts) Please, don't hurt me. 463 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,210 What am I supposed to do? They passed the exams. 464 00:21:16,220 --> 00:21:19,010 The accreditation board, they put more weight on those. 465 00:21:19,030 --> 00:21:20,080 -(speaking in Russian) 466 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,090 -No, no! 467 00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:37,210 I think Rob Riggle is the greatest actor that ever lived! 468 00:21:37,220 --> 00:21:40,030 He should have been called back for "The Hangover II"! 469 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,050 -(muffled gunshots) -(thumping) 470 00:21:42,060 --> 00:21:45,030 -You weren't there. How would you know what the lake commissioner actually said? 471 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,200 -It was just kind of a vibe I got from him, you know? 472 00:21:47,210 --> 00:21:50,220 -Have you been diagnosed with some psychological problems in your life? 473 00:21:50,230 --> 00:21:52,040 -Why? What have you heard? 474 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,060 -(growling) 475 00:21:55,070 --> 00:21:57,060 -Man: Right on time. 476 00:22:00,070 --> 00:22:02,070 Captioned by Point.360 35309

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