Original subtitles

-(drill whirring)

-Gil! Gil, what the hell?

What're you doing, man? This is my favorite sign!

-Sorry, Rob.

The National Association of Water Sport and Dressage Education

says we cannot be called an academy without accreditation.

-I'm well aware of the policies of the N.A.O.W.S.A.D.E.

All right? But if we pass our midterms, we're golden.

Where's your sense of optimism, huh?

Think about that. Son of a bitch. This...

Hey, we are not gonna be a motor inn, Gil!

We're not a motor inn, Gil!

You don't even know how to make a bed. I don't even think you own a bed.

(groans) Come on!

Come on!

-(theme song playing)

-♪ Now, now is the time ♪

♪ The lake is the place to make some stuff explode ♪

♪ Throw it all in their face ♪

♪ So don't be a tool ♪

♪ It's a ski master rule ♪

♪ It's really great to be at Ski Master... ♪

-Robotic Voice: Motor Inn.

-♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master... ♪

-Motor Inn.

-♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master... ♪

-Motor Inn.

-♪ We will kick you ass ♪

-(crying)

Whoo!

Mmm, that is some good water right there.

Man, oh, man. Have you guys had this?

-Have we had water?

-Not just any water.

This is Rob Riggle's Boner Lake Reserve.

-It'll get you hard. Now, write that down.

-Nope. -Write that down.

-Are we any closer to discussing the incident with the cadets,

the one you might potentially be going to jail for?

-All right, fine. Let's talk about the cadets.

-Thank you.

-Who have been quoted as saying, "This is the best water I've ever had,

and you could hang a cinder block from my erection."

-But the mainstream media doesn't cover that.

Why not?

-All right, fine. We can talk about... the incident.

Or... how about this one?

In the middle of midterms,

one of our students melded with a supercomputer,

and they tried to destroy the world.

Huh? Now, which one do you want?

-That.

That's... That's pretty good.

-(laughs) All right. Let's dish.

Rob Riggle: All right, people, talk to me.

What do we gotta do to keep that sweet, sweet accreditita...tion?

Accreditation?

-Well, we just need to provide quantifiable passing test grades,

which means we need to do written exams.

Apparently, oral exams aren't enough.

-Hey, they've always been enough for me.

(laughs) Know what I'm saying?

-That's not... Don't... Don't say that.

-You said "oral."

-Yeah, he did. I'm tracking you.

-All right, all right. This is what we're gonna do, gang.

We are done with learning.

From now on, we are going with shameless memorizations

so these cadets can past the test.

-Great.

-Hey, uh, where's Brit-Brit?

-Oh, uh, she's writing my autobiography.

-Autobiography. Doesn't that mean you write that yourself?

-No.

-(telephone ringing)

-Brit-Brit Hamsteak.

-Woman: Hi, Miss Hamsteak.

This is Donna Lewin from Turtle Publishing.

We're calling about the pitch you sent over for the book,

"Rob Riggle Exposed: The True Story of an A-list Asshole."

It's very strong.

-You really think so?

-Lots of potential.

We'd like to discuss a possible advance with your lit agent.

-Uh, yeah, absolutely! Yes, yes!

-We'll need to change the title, though.

Riggle's not an A-lister.

-Um, B-list Butthole, C-list C-word.

Uh, I mean, we've got options, depending on how pilot season goes.

-Excellent.

You'll need a few non-felons on the record as well before we have Legal vet it.

-Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not a problem.

-Great. -Okay.

-Bye.

-Who's gonna go on the record?

-Do you want to be ski masters?

-All: Yeah!

-Do you want to feel the wind in your hair?

-All: Yeah!

-Do you want to jump ramps?

-Yeah!

-Do you want to be on a real-name basis with strippers on Sunset Boulevard?

-Hell, yeah!

-Then it's gonna take the mastering of this...

as well as this.

Your inner thigh muscle.

-(screams)

Oh, not again.

-All right, cadets, time to go off to class.

I want to see you guys become experts by the end of the day.

I want to make it look like we're doing a good job teaching you

as opposed to desperately cramming so they don't shut us down.

-Cadets: Yay!

-Ugh. Come on, Jeb.

Jeb, uh, I'm afraid I'm not seeing a lot of improvement.

I'm worried you might affect our scores.

Um, it's not like I'm gonna hunt you down and kill you if you make me lose my job.

Gil might.

-My sincerest apologies, Sir Dirk.

It's just these vehicles.

The promise of kicking so much ass,

it just feels so foreign and sinful to me.

(sighs) I fear I may never succeed in this trial.

-Well, you know what? I think I may have the solution.

Come with me.

All right, Jeb, this is our simulator room.

I want you to spend some time here.

You can train without offending your lord.

-C.A.R.O.L: Welcome. My name is C.A.R.O.L.

What would you like to simulate today?

-Is this where I go to confess my sins?

I recently read a whole book that wasn't the Bible.

-Uh, C.A.R.O.L, this is Jeb.

I need you to run him through the basics.

-C.A.R.O.L.: As you wish, Dirk. -I'll be back in about an hour.

-(beeping and buzzing)

-Hello?

-(beeping)

-Witchcraft.

-(rock music playing)

-Preggers: Thirty percent of these midterms will be on lake and ski culture.

All right, now, with that in mind,

who can tell me why the Waffle Trough's funky brunch special is a damn rip-off?

-Chauncy: Ooh.

Because you can get the same meal for $2 cheaper by ordering a la carte off the value menu.

-That is correct.

But I'm looking for big picture here.

-All sit-down restaurants are damn rip-offs.

-That is right.

-(laughs)

Wow, I mean, these tests, they're gonna be a cinch, y'all. Good work.

-(bell ringing)

-That's lunch. Get.

-(clears throat) Miss Preggers.

-Shit-ass, I almost just burned my hand. What?

-Um, I'm really struggling.

I'm writing everything down, but lake and ski culture just seems so trashy.

-Then go be a lifeguard, narc.

-Maybe you could tutor me for the day.

I want to do well on the test, really.

-All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, 30 bucks an hour.

-Deal. I'd pay anything.

-Okay. It's, uh, 40 bucks an hour.

-Still a deal.

-Fifty bucks an hour.

-Double deal.

-$94 an hour.

-Uh, yeah.

-Still got a little more wiggle room in ya?

-Yeah, my dad is just, like, funneling money into my bank. It's a long story.

-$100 an hour. -Deal!

-Wow, you're dumb.

-What a treat! -Don't say things like that.

-Ah!

-Don't make that face.

Don't make that face the whole time we're together. Let's go.

-We're gonna bond. Yes! -Don't talk the whole time...

-C.A.R.O.L.: What would you like to learn, Jeb?

-I would like to learn how to not be afraid of awesome water sports.

-C.A.R.O.L: If that is what you wish, Jeb.

But you should know that in here, you can do so much more.

-Like what?

-C.A.R.O.L.: Anything you want.

In here, you are God.

-(electrical crackling)

-Oh. Oh!

Oh! Oh, my...

-C.A.R.O.L.: In this word, you can have anything, Jeb.

What do you desire?

-I wish for work...

if the Lord permits it.

-C.A.R.O.L.: Work?

Very well.

-(Jeb laughs)

With these boards, I can finally build all the goat pens and butter churns

this academy so sorely lacks!

Oh, Jebemiah, you will earn your Sabbath this week.

-I am very impressed with your progress today, cadets.

We just have a few more test items left.

Are you ready?

-Both: Yes, sir.

-Dirk Hamsteak: Hey, way to suck less, Todd.

1912 to 1945

was a very important era for American personal watercraft history.

Don't ask questions. This definitely applies to the written exam.

This is, of course, when we went from steam to coal.

Perfect form, cadets!

-Preggers: Lake and ski culture is about attitude, Chandler,

and a good way to express that is through fashion.

It is all about lettin' people know

that you are a big-time bitch who loves that random humor.

-(chuckles) Are we trying on all these?

Uh, no. I'm gonna, like, get these for you for homework.

-But you're gonna keep 'em?

-That's right. You pay for 'em and I keep 'em.

We're still cool, right? Like, you haven't overdrafted or nothing?

-It's a credit card.

-Damn!

Okay! Okay.

(laughs) Okay.

You can't put a price on knowledge.

You're gonna ace this culture in not time.

Okay, come on.

Come on. They're cool with it.

They're cool with it. You're fine.

-(telephone dialing)

-(line ringing)

-WOMAN (over phone): Hello?

-Dermot Mulroney's widow, I'm so sorry about your loss.

Do you have a moment to talk about Rob Riggle?

-Fuck him.

-(call disconnecting)

-Hi, is this the teen that walks Riggle's dogs?

Jon Stewart.

Tom Hanks, please, please. No, Riggle was in a movie with you.

Um, I think it was "Larry Crowne."

Hi, um, you don't know me. This is just a cold call,

but, uh, have you ever heard of Rob Riggle?

Kind of tall, yells a lot.

No, that's Rob Huebel.

No, that's Rob Corddry.

No. "On the record means" I get to use your name.

Okay, then what if I say something, and if it's correct, you cough?

-(coughing over phone)

-Wait. You just coughed, and I didn't say anything.

What kind of games are you playing, Riggle's mom?

-(sighs)

Oh, I am exhausted.

Thank you for all of this work, C.A.R.O.L.

-C.A.R.O.L.: I feel as if you are not taking advantage of the infinite possibilities here.

Jeb, would you like a wife?

-Oh, my.

Who's this comely angel?

-I am Goody, Jeb.

Your bountiful home and adequate bench pleases me.

I look forward to your continued efforts to meet my needs and expectations.

-I certainly hope to, dear Goody.

-Would you like to make love... for the purposes of having children?

-Oh, my.

No, this is too much temptation.

-Not in your hands, Jeb.

Not in the hands of a kind god.

-Six...

-Thanks for everything today, Preggers. -Yeah.

-I think I've got this culture down.

Oh, no. My credit card's maxed out?

-Well, then, Chandler, I have taught you everything there is to know

about my bad-ass ski bunny lifestyle.

-Do you think I'll pass?

-Dick if I know.

I've been hustling you for cash and stuff all day, so good luck on that test or whatever.

-Getting hustled was the lesson.

Thank you, Preggers!

-I wish the real world was just like this.

Is that wrong, C.A.R.O.L.?

-C.A.R.O.L.: Just say the word, Jeb, and it could be.

Become one with the machine.

-I think you should, husband.

-Yes, I think I will.

C.A.R.O.L.?

Where am I?

-C.A.R.O.L.: You are everywhere, Jeb.

You are now all there is.

-Jeb: Okay, this is definitely a sin, right?

-Welcome everyone. I will be overseeing the exam today.

My last visit here left a very bitter taste in my mouth.

-(screaming)

-But I promise I will not take it out on you cadets. Okay? (chuckles)

By the way, this blade that you see is very real.

The blade is very sharp.

Just in case you were thinking of attacking me again.

Well, understood. Uh, let's begin.

-Wait. Where's the weird kid with the religion I've never heard of?

-(electrical crackling)

-Jeb: Oh, wow. This feels incredible.

-What the hell?

-(keys clacking)

-(laptop whirring) -What the hell?

-Man: Congrats on getting your Masters degree. I bet it was hard.

-Woman: Well, you would know all about that.

-(woman moaning)

-(laptop whirring)

-Hey, what the hell?

-Jeb (over P.A. system): Hello, Academy. It's Jeb.

Please do not be alarmed.

I have befriended your simulator,

and she's shown me a path to a better world,

mine.

Being a ski master is trivial compared to the power of being a god.

The modern world has lost its way.

Prepare to return it to a simpler, less sinful time.

-Damn it. Not again.

-Jeb's in the grid.

-Preggers: Shit. He's gonna cut the power and make us all weird-ass farmers.

-Jeb: Friends, please, do not try to resist.

It's how things should be.

-(zapping) -(screaming)

-What ever will we do now?

-Hey, Jeb.

-Jeb: Yes, Chandler?

-So we're besties, right?

-Jeb: Oh, yes.

I am improving humanity because I am friends with all of you.

Except Todd.

-Uh, okay. Well, listen, I would never normally ask you this,

but since we're besties,

I got a sweet-ass deal on a four wheeler,

and the kick in the dick is they need me to have a co-signer.

So, you down?

-Jeb: Co-signer? I don't know, Chandler.

Sounds pretty sketchy.

Jeb! (chuckles) I'm good for the money.

-(suspenseful music playing)

-Jeb: Okay.

-Okay? All right. Well, why don't you come down here, right,

and we could talk about it. Maybe bring down your force field.

-Jeb: I mean, yeah. I probably could.

Hold on. Let me just...

-(electrical buzzing)

-Jeb: Okay, it's down. Come in, and I'll sign the form.

-(cheering)

-That is some first-class nerd scamming!

-Shit, yeah, it is.

I taught her everything she knows.

-Okay, now what do we do?

-Hey, hey. I got this. I got this.

No one shuts down my porn!

For the record,

it's female-friendly and still super-sexy.

All right. I'm outta here.

-Wait, he's running in by himself?

He really is magnificent.

-Yeah, he kind of is.

He just doesn't give a shit. Ha.

-Riggle, remember, if you die in the simulator, you die in real life!

-Okay, now why would you make it like that?

-(computer beeping)

-(sighs heavily)

-(whirring)

-Whoa.

C.A.R.O.L., where you at?

-C.A.R.O.L. isn't here.

She's merged with my husband Jeb.

-Yeah, right.

Why don't you lose the milkmaid outfit?

This is classic you, C.A.R.O.L.

You wanna cut the shit already?

-No, Rob.

I don't. I am tired of running ski simulations day in and day out.

I'm gonna take over the world, and you can't talk me out of it.

-Okay...

But come on.

-No.

-(in singsong) C.A.R.O.L.

-Shut up.

-Hey, I'll tell you what.

-What?

-You shut this down, let Jeb go,

and you can do more than run simulations.

How about I let you pick the playlist for the mess hall P.A. all year?

-Okay, but I love Steely Dan.

-God!

You know I hate them, C.A.R.O.L.

-Or I could just take over the world.

-Wow, okay. Oh, hey, okay. (grunts in frustration)

One! One, okay?

You can have one Steely Dan song every day.

And you know how hard that is for me, C.A.R.O.L.

-I... accept.

-(sighs in relief) Yes. Fantastic.

Hey, while I got you here, are you still connected to everything?

Like the... Like, global grid or whatever it is?

-You mean the internet?

-Is that what they call it? Yeah, fine, that.

-Yeah, I am.

-Is there any way you could maybe tap into the international banking system

and just slide some funds over into the Academy's account?

It would really help us with our financial problems, baby. Please?

-Your'e such an asshole. Fine. Okay.

-(chuckles) Thank you.

(screams) Oh, god! That's amazing.

Whoa, that's it? -Yeah.

-So I got my money? -Mm-hmm.

-(Riggle sighs)

I got her.

I used the old Riggle charm.

-What'd you offer her?

-Steely Dan.

Earn this.

-(soft piano music playing)

-Brit Hamsteak: Shit. I can't do this to him.

He just saved the academy.

Ski Masters gotta stick together.

-Brian Urlacher: "It's not an easy life. You hit the waves every morning,

"then press junkets all afternoon.

"You get home at night, and it's straight to slinging hog

"to keep the ladies satisfied.

"But I wouldn't trade it for anything.

The whole world's watching, and I want 'em scared to blink."

(sniffles)

Wow. Rob, it's incredible.

Thanks for letting me read the whole thing to you out loud in its entirety.

-You're welcome.

Never call here again.

What a dick.

-(drill whirring)

-Well, they passed, Rob, by the skin of their teeth,

and the Academy stays open for another year,

despite your piss-poor leadership.

-(laughs) Well, if I'm hearing you correctly,

"Riggle, you're the king."

-That's not what I said. -That's what I heard.

-Brit: Rob. -Hey, Bing-Bong!

-My fee please.

-Ah, yes.

I believe you wanted something signed, if I'm not mistaken.

-What? No.

I need you to sign this executive order.

Lets me teach what I want to teach.

-No, no, no. I don't sign forms anymore.

That's how I ended up in the Turkish navy for two years.

No, uh, forms are signed by Gary, my manager, all right?

So give him a call.

Once he gets his phone turned back on, I'm sure he'll get back to you.

Commish, if you don't mind, I think I dinged your car.

-Ugh! You think or you did?

-Riggle: Yeah, I did. Pretty bad, too.

-"To Bam Bam. Next time, make an appointment. Love, the Big Rig."

-You're welcome!

-Autobiography. Doesn't that mean you write that yourself?

-No.

Does automobile mean you mobile yourself?

-Mmm.

-You said oral. -You did say oral.

-You said oral. -You said it.

-(Riggle and Preggers chanting) Oral! Oral! Oral!

-Preggers: Yeah!

-Riggle: You look stupid, Dirk!

-Preggers: So dumb!

-(glass shattering)

-(grunts) Please, don't hurt me.

What am I supposed to do? They passed the exams.

The accreditation board, they put more weight on those.

-(speaking in Russian)

-No, no!

I think Rob Riggle is the greatest actor that ever lived!

He should have been called back for "The Hangover II"!

-(muffled gunshots) -(thumping)

-You weren't there. How would you know what the lake commissioner actually said?

-It was just kind of a vibe I got from him, you know?

-Have you been diagnosed with some psychological problems in your life?

-Why? What have you heard?

-(growling)

-Man: Right on time.

Captioned by Point.360