Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,030
-(indistinct shouting)
2
00:00:09,140 --> 00:00:11,120
-Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Listen.
3
00:00:11,130 --> 00:00:12,130
Please. Please listen.
4
00:00:12,140 --> 00:00:15,050
So, we've covered the death of Dermot Mulroney.
5
00:00:15,060 --> 00:00:17,000
-So sad. (kissing)
6
00:00:17,010 --> 00:00:19,120
-And we've also talked about Brian Urlacher
7
00:00:19,130 --> 00:00:22,070
and how he sucks dog shit through a straw. -Garbage person, very bad.
8
00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:23,230
-Rob: And we've talked about a ghost,
9
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,060
which I only heard about secondhand, so don't hold me to that.
10
00:00:26,070 --> 00:00:27,190
All in all, I'd say
11
00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:30,040
it could've gone a lot worse for our first week.
12
00:00:30,050 --> 00:00:32,040
So who's ready for a break? I am.
13
00:00:32,050 --> 00:00:34,150
-All right. Let's do a break. -(indistinct shouting)
14
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,050
-Are you even allowed to have an academy?
15
00:00:36,060 --> 00:00:37,190
-Okay, hold on a second here.
16
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:40,080
Rob is a victim, okay? -That's right.
17
00:00:40,090 --> 00:00:41,200
-He is the Bernie Madoff,
18
00:00:41,210 --> 00:00:44,110
and all you guys are coming to take him down.
19
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,200
-Yes, and also, thank you, Gary.
20
00:00:46,210 --> 00:00:49,180
We lost 75% of our cadets.
21
00:00:49,190 --> 00:00:51,230
I mean, things were getting desperate.
22
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:55,120
But thank God, I love having great ideas.
23
00:00:55,130 --> 00:00:58,120
I rented out the lake...
24
00:00:58,130 --> 00:01:00,120
-Booyah! -...to a TV shoot,
25
00:01:00,130 --> 00:01:03,130
gave 'em a huge tax credit, like they do down in Atlanta.
26
00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:06,010
-Okay, how would a tax credit benefit you?
27
00:01:06,020 --> 00:01:07,210
Do you have a film commission in place?
28
00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:09,180
Is the academy its own economy?
29
00:01:09,190 --> 00:01:13,000
-Okay, lady, it all pencils out, okay?
30
00:01:13,010 --> 00:01:14,090
So just trust me.
31
00:01:14,100 --> 00:01:15,210
-(dramatic music plays)
32
00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:19,060
-Rob, I don't understand how a tax credit benefits us.
33
00:01:19,070 --> 00:01:21,080
We don't have a film commission in place,
34
00:01:21,090 --> 00:01:24,020
and the academy doesn't have an economy.
35
00:01:24,030 --> 00:01:27,210
-Dirk, when a TV show shoots in Atlanta,
36
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:30,030
they get a "tax credit,"
37
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:33,050
and then the money goes right back into Atlanta.
38
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:37,000
-Okay. Atlanta benefits from local hires,
39
00:01:37,010 --> 00:01:40,120
and also the crew engages in the economy of the city.
40
00:01:40,130 --> 00:01:43,100
-Look, I come up with the big ideas. All right?
41
00:01:43,110 --> 00:01:45,150
I just skimmed a headline about this.
42
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,230
-♪ Now, now is the time ♪
43
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,170
♪ The lake is the place ♪
44
00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:57,000
♪ To make some stuff explode ♪
45
00:01:57,010 --> 00:01:58,010
-(explosion)
46
00:01:58,020 --> 00:02:00,180
-♪ And throw it all in their face ♪
47
00:02:00,190 --> 00:02:03,170
♪ So don't be a tool ♪
48
00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:07,090
♪ It's the ski master rule ♪
49
00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:10,020
♪ It's really great to be at ♪
50
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:12,010
♪ Ski Master Academy ♪
51
00:02:12,020 --> 00:02:16,020
♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪
52
00:02:18,070 --> 00:02:22,080
♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪ -(screaming)
53
00:02:22,090 --> 00:02:25,140
-♪ We will kick your ass ♪
54
00:02:27,030 --> 00:02:28,110
-Watch out!
55
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,170
-Now, taste it!
56
00:02:32,180 --> 00:02:34,180
-I got this! No, I don't!
57
00:02:34,190 --> 00:02:36,160
-Oh, God damn it. Let's go!
58
00:02:36,170 --> 00:02:38,000
You want to be out there?
59
00:02:38,010 --> 00:02:39,090
You want to be a professional?
60
00:02:39,100 --> 00:02:41,060
-All right. That's good. Thank you so much.
61
00:02:41,070 --> 00:02:42,190
-Damn it. You want to be a good skier?
62
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,090
-Oh! We're cleansing our bodies.
63
00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:45,200
The Lord will be most displeased.
64
00:02:45,210 --> 00:02:47,230
-(Brit groans)
65
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,090
-Hell, yeah! You can't mess with Big Pound!
66
00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,110
(laughs)
67
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:53,190
-God damn it.
68
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,120
Now you see this, cadets?
69
00:02:55,130 --> 00:02:58,210
This is why we practice on land.
70
00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:00,040
You don't want to be out in the water
71
00:03:00,050 --> 00:03:01,100
getting shown up by this douchebag.
72
00:03:01,110 --> 00:03:03,000
-That's right. (laughs)
73
00:03:03,010 --> 00:03:04,080
-Dirk: All right, cadets.
74
00:03:04,090 --> 00:03:06,050
Classes are canceled today.
75
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:07,170
We need to clear the shoreline.
76
00:03:07,180 --> 00:03:09,130
-Todd: What? -Dad. No, you gave me a shitty job,
77
00:03:09,140 --> 00:03:11,010
but I'm gonna do it.
78
00:03:11,020 --> 00:03:12,150
Hey, we'll stay until the lesson's over.
79
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,000
-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, dick weasels! Did you guys hear?
80
00:03:15,010 --> 00:03:17,070
They are filming a TV fishing show here.
81
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,170
Yeah, and not one of them shitty ones, neither.
82
00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:21,030
No, this isn't, like, Terrence Coddington
83
00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:22,100
or Tevan St. Pearly Muscle.
84
00:03:22,110 --> 00:03:23,180
This is Jim Bassman!
85
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:26,120
Jim Bassman.
86
00:03:26,130 --> 00:03:29,000
He's only won 16 Fishies,
87
00:03:29,010 --> 00:03:31,100
the Emmy's for the fishing world.
88
00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:33,110
Jim Bassman, Jim Bassman?
89
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,010
Unbelievable. Get up here.
90
00:03:35,020 --> 00:03:37,200
I'm gonna show you something. He's a big deal. Come on!
91
00:03:37,210 --> 00:03:39,090
-(banjo music playing on phone)
92
00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:41,130
-This is big-deal stuff right here, okay?
93
00:03:41,140 --> 00:03:45,000
-I'm Jim Bassman, and this is Bass to Bass.
94
00:03:45,010 --> 00:03:46,150
Whoa, whoa! -(splashing)
95
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,080
-This dock looks pretty solid.
96
00:03:49,090 --> 00:03:50,220
Whoa! -(splashing)
97
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,030
-It's nuts.
98
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,040
-I think I got a big one.
99
00:03:55,050 --> 00:03:56,050
Whoa! -(splashing)
100
00:03:56,060 --> 00:03:57,190
-I love that one. That was good.
101
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,160
-I'll have one for Ernest Goes to Jail.
102
00:03:59,170 --> 00:04:01,030
Wow! -(splashing)
103
00:04:02,170 --> 00:04:05,150
-(Bassman speaking Hebrew)
104
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,200
-Wah! -(laughing)
105
00:04:07,210 --> 00:04:09,060
-(splashing)
106
00:04:09,070 --> 00:04:11,200
-I mean, he ain't one of them glossy types, either.
107
00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,060
Nope. No, no, no, no, no.
108
00:04:13,070 --> 00:04:14,190
He keeps all his goofs.
109
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:17,060
-All right, cadets. I guess be on your best behavior.
110
00:04:17,070 --> 00:04:18,200
Act like there's a celebrity here.
111
00:04:18,210 --> 00:04:21,100
-Rob Riggle is here all the time.
112
00:04:21,110 --> 00:04:23,200
-Okay, a real celebrity, Chandler. Come on.
113
00:04:23,210 --> 00:04:26,070
-(Dirk whistling)
114
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,000
-Brit: Hey, Dad? -Dirk: Hmm?
115
00:04:28,010 --> 00:04:29,210
-I'm gonna move the Sea-Doos somewhere
116
00:04:29,220 --> 00:04:30,220
so they're not in the shot,
117
00:04:30,230 --> 00:04:32,230
and maybe do a couple spider flips on 'em, 360 flairs.
118
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,030
-Sure.
119
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,030
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.
120
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:37,170
Quit trying to trick me
121
00:04:37,180 --> 00:04:39,130
into letting you chase your dreams.
122
00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:41,070
-Oh, damn it!
123
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,150
-Look, Riggle has stuck us
124
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,070
with the Bassman guy for the day,
125
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:45,190
and I'm gonna trust you
126
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,120
with one of the most important jobs.
127
00:04:48,190 --> 00:04:50,150
And that is to get all the crap he needs.
128
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,220
Let's see. Gummy bears, sunscreen,
129
00:04:52,230 --> 00:04:54,100
some sweet, sweet kush,
130
00:04:54,110 --> 00:04:57,040
Delphonics album, the best one, your decision.
131
00:04:57,050 --> 00:04:59,090
Oh, and a whole bunch of nightcrawlers.
132
00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:01,160
You can get those in the mud over by the creek.
133
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,000
-Can I?
134
00:05:06,060 --> 00:05:08,130
-I appreciate that you're super sarcastic
135
00:05:08,140 --> 00:05:10,020
yet still doing it, honey.
136
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,080
-(suspenseful music plays)
137
00:05:12,090 --> 00:05:13,210
-What the--?
138
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:17,180
-(sniffs)
139
00:05:17,190 --> 00:05:19,130
-Gasoline?
140
00:05:27,130 --> 00:05:29,200
Hey, Gil! -I never been to Mexico! Oh!
141
00:05:29,210 --> 00:05:31,200
What's up, Dirk? -Hey, Gil.
142
00:05:31,210 --> 00:05:34,060
Uh, look, we're shooting a TV show here today,
143
00:05:34,070 --> 00:05:36,130
so I'm gonna need you to get rid of this hunk of junk.
144
00:05:36,140 --> 00:05:38,090
It makes the whole place look trashy.
145
00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:41,100
-No way, my man. I can't get rid of Li'l Zoomer.
146
00:05:41,110 --> 00:05:43,220
This was my first personal watercraft.
147
00:05:43,230 --> 00:05:45,180
I got him when I was a little boy.
148
00:05:45,190 --> 00:05:47,060
-(nostalgic music plays) -(child laughing)
149
00:05:47,070 --> 00:05:50,100
-Child Gil: I' m gonna name you Li'l Zoomer!
150
00:05:50,110 --> 00:05:53,000
You're my best friend! -(engine revving)
151
00:05:53,010 --> 00:05:54,180
-(no music playing)
152
00:05:54,190 --> 00:05:57,180
-(music resumes) -That was right before everything went wrong.
153
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,210
The drugs, the women, the men,
154
00:05:59,220 --> 00:06:01,030
that damn owl.
155
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:03,140
-(owl hooting)
156
00:06:03,150 --> 00:06:05,230
-It's an eyesore, Gil.
157
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,010
-No prob, Dirk. It's almost finished up.
158
00:06:08,020 --> 00:06:09,090
-It's on fire.
159
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:11,100
-(whooshing)
160
00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:15,200
-(flies buzzing)
161
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:18,120
-Ugh!
162
00:06:18,140 --> 00:06:21,070
How am I supposed to find nightcrawlers during the day?
163
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:26,090
-(ethereal singing)
164
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:30,130
(singing continues)
165
00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,120
-Brit: Hey!
166
00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:34,000
You're a mermaid!
167
00:06:34,010 --> 00:06:36,050
-Um, yes!
168
00:06:36,060 --> 00:06:37,180
(chuckles)
169
00:06:37,190 --> 00:06:39,040
You don't seem that surprised.
170
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:41,060
-Nah, we had a ghost last week.
171
00:06:41,070 --> 00:06:42,140
My name is Brit Brit.
172
00:06:42,150 --> 00:06:44,110
My dad named me that because he thought it was cute,
173
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:47,000
and I assume wanted a quick, inescapable way
174
00:06:47,010 --> 00:06:48,160
of demeaning me later in life.
175
00:06:48,170 --> 00:06:50,190
I work at Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy.
176
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,070
-Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy?
177
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,180
-Yeah. It's just the facility over there.
178
00:06:54,190 --> 00:06:56,190
-Oh! In my language,
179
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,000
we call that the asshole factory.
180
00:06:59,010 --> 00:07:00,160
-Oh.
181
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,180
What's your name?
182
00:07:01,190 --> 00:07:04,140
Oh, it's difficult to pronounce in your tongue.
183
00:07:04,150 --> 00:07:07,220
(enunciating) I am Karen.
184
00:07:07,230 --> 00:07:09,080
-(ethereal music plays)
185
00:07:09,090 --> 00:07:11,030
-What a strange name.
186
00:07:12,090 --> 00:07:14,010
Hey. Wait a second.
187
00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:16,040
I thought mermaids live in the ocean.
188
00:07:16,050 --> 00:07:18,070
-Yes, indeed I am unique.
189
00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:20,190
The story of my creation is actually quite beautiful.
190
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,130
A long time ago,
191
00:07:22,140 --> 00:07:26,060
a group of mature koi were laying eggs by the lakeshore.
192
00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:29,040
A man, a human man, was nearby,
193
00:07:29,050 --> 00:07:30,230
watching this beautiful event.
194
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,020
He was so enraptured in the moment,
195
00:07:33,030 --> 00:07:34,170
he jerked off into the water,
196
00:07:34,180 --> 00:07:37,010
and then he was chased away by a group of villagers,
197
00:07:37,020 --> 00:07:38,190
for they had called the cops.
198
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:41,050
Then lo, two days later,
199
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:43,000
a miracle was born.
200
00:07:48,020 --> 00:07:49,090
-Ew.
201
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:52,020
Brit Brit, I long to be with others of my kind in the ocean,
202
00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:54,010
but I fear what will happen if I'm discovered.
203
00:07:54,020 --> 00:07:55,060
Can you keep me a secret?
204
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:57,230
-Of course I can.
205
00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,100
-Rob: Holy shit!
206
00:08:00,130 --> 00:08:03,020
-Oh, no. It's the king of the asshole factory!
207
00:08:03,030 --> 00:08:05,140
-Oh, a mermaid?
208
00:08:05,150 --> 00:08:06,160
Are you kidding me?
209
00:08:06,170 --> 00:08:09,150
This is a potentially huge tourist draw.
210
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,180
This will make up for the dropouts
211
00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:13,180
and get us out from under that tax-credit idea
212
00:08:13,190 --> 00:08:14,190
that Dirk screwed up.
213
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,140
-How did you give somebody a tax credit?
214
00:08:16,150 --> 00:08:18,140
-Oh, they'll come from miles around
215
00:08:18,150 --> 00:08:20,020
to see this freaky thing.
216
00:08:20,030 --> 00:08:21,230
-It's Karen. -You know what, Rob?
217
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,180
She was actually just talking about
218
00:08:23,190 --> 00:08:25,090
how she wanted to leave this place, actually.
219
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:26,100
-Shh.
220
00:08:26,110 --> 00:08:29,090
Bon-bon, I'm visualizing right now.
221
00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:30,100
(chuckles)
222
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,190
I'm gonna order a shit ton of merch.
223
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,110
-Rob, no. -Yes, no, you know what else?
224
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,120
We got to come up with some sort of premiere appearance.
225
00:08:37,130 --> 00:08:39,000
Yeah, something like,
226
00:08:39,010 --> 00:08:42,170
"Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy Presents Karen"!
227
00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:44,210
(laughs) Hot diggity!
228
00:08:44,220 --> 00:08:47,110
Okay. Teach it some tricks and shit.
229
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,010
This is good. This is good!
230
00:08:49,020 --> 00:08:50,170
-You know I speak English! -Rob: Adios!
231
00:08:51,190 --> 00:08:53,080
-I won't let this happen, Karen.
232
00:08:53,090 --> 00:08:55,220
I know what it's like to feel trapped.
233
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:58,150
My asshole dad won't let me teach stunts.
234
00:08:59,150 --> 00:09:02,000
-Yes, our situations are exactly the same.
235
00:09:02,010 --> 00:09:04,030
Thank you so much for relating with me.
236
00:09:08,010 --> 00:09:10,160
-(horn honks) -Okay! Okay!
237
00:09:10,170 --> 00:09:12,020
He is the folksiest,
238
00:09:12,030 --> 00:09:14,060
most down-to-earth man alive.
239
00:09:14,070 --> 00:09:16,110
Fix this. Fix it! Okay.
240
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,020
He is the Jackal of Tackle.
241
00:09:18,030 --> 00:09:19,060
All right? The Steel Reel,
242
00:09:19,070 --> 00:09:21,050
the Flea of the Goddamn Sea.
243
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:24,050
And by Flea, I mean the bassist for the Chili Peppers.
244
00:09:28,170 --> 00:09:30,010
-All right, we'll talk, baby. Take care.
245
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,050
-You have a call with the network at 1:00 p.m.,
246
00:09:35,060 --> 00:09:37,100
and this lakeside doesn't appear to have a Nobu.
247
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,110
-What the hell, Belinda?
248
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,060
If they don't have a Nobu, then open one yourself.
249
00:09:41,070 --> 00:09:42,140
Where's your green room?
250
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,220
Come on. It's a small room where there's refreshments,
251
00:09:45,230 --> 00:09:47,120
and where I don't have to look at you people.
252
00:09:47,130 --> 00:09:49,020
Come on. -(snaps fingers)
253
00:09:49,030 --> 00:09:50,030
-Thank you.
254
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:52,030
All right. Now, order me one of them lady masseuses
255
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:53,180
that'll give me a tug job.
256
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,150
-He doesn't seem very folksy.
257
00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,210
-I-I don't believe it.
258
00:09:59,220 --> 00:10:02,080
He's not a lake-billy at all. He's...
259
00:10:02,090 --> 00:10:04,020
He's just one of them
260
00:10:04,030 --> 00:10:06,000
city-folk dick bags?
261
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,190
-Uh-oh!
262
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,050
-Chandler: Mr. Bassman?
263
00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:18,090
-Yeah. Busy.
264
00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:20,030
-Hi. Um...
265
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,090
One of my instructors is your biggest fan.
266
00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:23,160
Could she meet you?
267
00:10:23,170 --> 00:10:25,170
-Okay. Fine.
268
00:10:25,180 --> 00:10:27,190
Wait a second now. Gol--
269
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,150
(exaggerated) Golly!
270
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,080
Eh, good enough.
271
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:33,180
Why, hello, there, little filly.
272
00:10:33,190 --> 00:10:35,050
Come on in. Let's get this done.
273
00:10:35,060 --> 00:10:36,160
-Yeah, I want to get my picture made.
274
00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:38,050
-Okay, then. Let's do it.
275
00:10:38,060 --> 00:10:39,170
-Okay. (laughing)
276
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,180
Yeah, actually, I have just a quick question.
277
00:10:41,190 --> 00:10:43,220
In Episode 456,
278
00:10:43,230 --> 00:10:45,160
when you caught that 200-pound catfish
279
00:10:45,170 --> 00:10:46,210
down in Houston, Missouri,
280
00:10:46,220 --> 00:10:49,040
did you put it back? 'Cause I don't--
281
00:10:49,050 --> 00:10:52,030
I just don't know if I saw you put it back or what.
282
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,150
-(laughing) Golly!
283
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,190
Let's, uh, just, uh,
284
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,050
get that picture taken. How about that?
285
00:10:58,060 --> 00:11:00,140
-Great idea. Miss Preggers, get in there.
286
00:11:00,150 --> 00:11:03,040
-All right. Hold that fish out! (laughs)
287
00:11:03,050 --> 00:11:04,180
-Chandler: Say, "I'm meeting one of my heroes
288
00:11:04,190 --> 00:11:06,170
and it's better than I ever thought it would be!"
289
00:11:06,180 --> 00:11:07,210
-Too many words.
290
00:11:07,220 --> 00:11:09,170
-Okay. Got it. -(camera clicks)
291
00:11:09,180 --> 00:11:11,010
-You got it? Good. That's great.
292
00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:14,070
If you'll excuse me, I got to pray to baby Jesus,
293
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:19,070
so he brings me a lot more fish to catch and release.
294
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,200
(shouts) Belinda!
295
00:11:20,210 --> 00:11:23,090
I'm waiting on that papaya yogurt.
296
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:26,040
And what about that tug job?
297
00:11:26,050 --> 00:11:28,070
Am I supposed to do everything myself?
298
00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:31,150
-Rob: Hey, Gary!
299
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:33,070
Guess what!
300
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:36,000
I just solved all our money problems.
301
00:11:36,010 --> 00:11:37,140
Boom, just like that.
302
00:11:37,150 --> 00:11:40,060
All I need is a shit ton of mermaid merchandise.
303
00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:41,220
Yeah, I don't know, like, uh,
304
00:11:41,230 --> 00:11:43,200
mer-mugs, fin hats,
305
00:11:43,210 --> 00:11:45,120
pregnancy tests, mermaid taffy.
306
00:11:45,130 --> 00:11:47,170
I don't give a shit. Mermaid hiking gear.
307
00:11:47,180 --> 00:11:49,170
You throw something at me.
308
00:11:49,180 --> 00:11:52,230
No. No.
309
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,020
That-- that's stupid.
310
00:11:54,030 --> 00:11:56,150
Mermaid sex dolls! Do they make those?
311
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,000
How do you know?
312
00:11:58,010 --> 00:11:59,090
Okay. No. Stop talking.
313
00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:01,200
Order it all. Get me 30 crates.
314
00:12:01,210 --> 00:12:03,120
Yeah, COD's fine, dude.
315
00:12:03,130 --> 00:12:05,090
We're gonna make it up in no time.
316
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:08,050
You got to spend money to make money, baby.
317
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,200
What, what! (laughs)
318
00:12:10,210 --> 00:12:12,080
Get the sex dolls.
319
00:12:12,090 --> 00:12:13,120
Yeah, do that for sure.
320
00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:17,010
-Hmm.
321
00:12:17,020 --> 00:12:20,040
So, we need to get you to the ocean,
322
00:12:20,050 --> 00:12:22,040
which means a drive through town,
323
00:12:22,050 --> 00:12:24,180
which means a disguise.
324
00:12:24,190 --> 00:12:27,080
What if we stole a cadet's uniform?
325
00:12:27,090 --> 00:12:28,090
-Are pants involved?
326
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:30,000
-Khakis, yes.
327
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:32,230
-Yeah, no. I-I don't have legs.
328
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,210
-What if you grow legs?
329
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,030
-Um, excuse me, that is some Disney bullshit.
330
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:38,090
-What if we find you a sea witch?
331
00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:39,150
-Do you know a sea witch?
332
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,210
-No. -Okay, yeah.
333
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:46,090
I think we're just gonna have to keep brainstorming more ideas.
334
00:12:47,090 --> 00:12:50,040
-♪ I used to take on the world ♪
335
00:12:50,050 --> 00:12:52,200
♪ On my own ♪
336
00:12:52,210 --> 00:12:56,130
♪ Thought I was so strong ♪
337
00:12:58,230 --> 00:13:01,080
-♪ As long as I'm here ♪
338
00:13:01,090 --> 00:13:04,040
♪ By your side ♪
339
00:13:04,050 --> 00:13:06,230
♪ Ten times as strong together ♪
340
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:10,110
♪ We're amplified ♪
341
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,130
-(bell dings)
342
00:13:17,060 --> 00:13:18,220
-Ah, Zoomer, you're looking as good
343
00:13:18,230 --> 00:13:20,080
as you did on my wedding day.
344
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:21,210
-(piano music plays)
345
00:13:21,220 --> 00:13:23,220
-Woman: It's me or Li'l Zoomer, Gil.
346
00:13:23,230 --> 00:13:25,230
-Young Gil: I choose Zoomer.
347
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,230
-(owl hoots)
348
00:13:30,050 --> 00:13:31,050
-Gil?
349
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:32,100
-Dirk!
350
00:13:32,110 --> 00:13:34,070
Almost got Li'l Zoomer running again.
351
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,020
Check it out.
352
00:13:36,030 --> 00:13:37,140
-(engine sputters)
353
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,040
-(electricity crackles) -(Gil groans)
354
00:13:39,050 --> 00:13:40,230
-Well, shit!
355
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,230
-Gil, you've put too much work into her, you know?
356
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,230
Like I say when I teach water-based accounting,
357
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,180
these machines are money pits.
358
00:13:48,190 --> 00:13:50,100
Sometimes you got to realize
359
00:13:50,110 --> 00:13:52,130
when it's best just to put her down.
360
00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:54,160
Reminds me of my dog when I was a kid.
361
00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:56,140
-(somber music plays) -Young Dirk: No! Not Rusty.
362
00:13:56,150 --> 00:13:59,070
-(gun cocks, gunshot echoes) -(dog whimpers)
363
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,040
-(music ends) -You put your dog down
364
00:14:01,050 --> 00:14:02,180
because it was getting too expensive?
365
00:14:02,190 --> 00:14:05,000
-No. Look, just get rid of this thing.
366
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,210
It's time, Gil.
367
00:14:14,230 --> 00:14:17,040
-Sorry Brit Brit hasn't returned that with that bait yet.
368
00:14:17,050 --> 00:14:18,140
She wouldn't know the difference between
369
00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:20,100
a corn borer caterpillar and a hole in her ass.
370
00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:21,170
-I don't need bait.
371
00:14:21,180 --> 00:14:23,140
-Oh. Okay. You gonna go Alabama style?
372
00:14:23,150 --> 00:14:25,110
Just blast the lake with a big-ass gun? I get you.
373
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,120
-I don't fish with a gun, sweetie.
374
00:14:28,130 --> 00:14:30,200
I don't fish at all.
375
00:14:30,210 --> 00:14:32,150
-(dramatic music plays)
376
00:14:34,060 --> 00:14:36,190
-(Preggers gasps) You're prehooking your fish?
377
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,140
All right, Hick.
378
00:14:38,150 --> 00:14:39,220
May I call you Hick?
379
00:14:39,230 --> 00:14:41,070
-(softly) Yeah.
380
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,160
-Look, I know you're testing me, okay?
381
00:14:43,170 --> 00:14:46,040
I am from the sticks, okay?
382
00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:48,080
But you get successful,
383
00:14:48,090 --> 00:14:50,100
make money, you move.
384
00:14:50,110 --> 00:14:52,210
You meet new friends. You start sleeping with their wives.
385
00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:55,160
I can't help it. I'm not the guy I used to be.
386
00:14:55,170 --> 00:15:00,070
I've caught everything there is to catch in this world,
387
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,120
so fishing doesn't give me the thrill it used to.
388
00:15:03,130 --> 00:15:05,010
And then the public, well,
389
00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:08,030
they don't want to embrace that reality.
390
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,190
They don't want me to grow.
391
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,090
-Yeah, well, that's messed up.
392
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:12,230
-It's just sexy entertainment now.
393
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,230
No different than George Clooney or Jon Hamm
394
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,070
or CSPAN,
395
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,130
something you jerk off to before you go to bed.
396
00:15:19,150 --> 00:15:21,010
All right. Now, would you get out of here?
397
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:22,130
Go tip over an animal
398
00:15:22,140 --> 00:15:23,200
or boink your cousin,
399
00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:25,050
whatever makes you happy.
400
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,030
-He's only a cousin by marriage.
401
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,080
It doesn't count.
402
00:15:29,090 --> 00:15:32,100
-Belinda! Pole! Thank you.
403
00:15:32,110 --> 00:15:33,210
Put a big one on.
404
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:38,080
-What if we created a sorority
405
00:15:38,090 --> 00:15:41,080
and made an admittance video so delightful
406
00:15:41,090 --> 00:15:42,200
that it got us into the ocean?
407
00:15:42,210 --> 00:15:44,110
-Okay, that's just the plot of Legally Blonde
408
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,040
except you changed Harvard to the ocean.
409
00:15:46,050 --> 00:15:47,230
I can't tell if you're overthinking this
410
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,040
or underthinking this.
411
00:15:49,050 --> 00:15:50,210
-(scoffs)
412
00:15:50,220 --> 00:15:53,090
You know, I'm starting to sense a real attitude from you, Karen.
413
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:55,080
Maybe you should just stay here.
414
00:15:55,090 --> 00:15:57,010
The lake isn't so bad. I mean...
415
00:15:57,020 --> 00:15:59,090
being a tourist attraction could be nice.
416
00:15:59,100 --> 00:16:02,120
You'd be helping to keep the asshole factory afloat.
417
00:16:02,130 --> 00:16:05,090
-I'm so sorry for shutting down your very stupid ideas,
418
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:07,080
but what happened to relating to me?
419
00:16:07,090 --> 00:16:10,030
What happened to knowing what it feels like to be trapped?
420
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:12,230
Man, you give up easy.
421
00:16:14,220 --> 00:16:16,140
-(exhales sharply)
422
00:16:16,150 --> 00:16:19,160
Gosh, Karen. You're so right.
423
00:16:19,170 --> 00:16:22,040
This place isn't the boss of us.
424
00:16:22,050 --> 00:16:25,110
Let's get you to the ocean as fast as possible.
425
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:28,110
-(grunting) -(wheels squeaking)
426
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,230
-(dramatic music plays)
427
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,140
-(panting) Oh, God. I'm sorry, I just--
428
00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:34,080
Oh! I need a second.
429
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,050
-What the jizz?
430
00:16:38,060 --> 00:16:40,100
Hold up on the bass setup, y'all.
431
00:16:40,110 --> 00:16:42,110
I got an idea for a very special episode.
432
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:45,090
We're gonna see if we can't catch
433
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:47,080
the most dangerous game of all...
434
00:16:48,170 --> 00:16:50,110
mermaid.
435
00:16:52,180 --> 00:16:54,080
-(Southern accent) Howdy, y'all!
436
00:16:54,090 --> 00:16:56,190
Welcome to another edition of Bass to Bass,
437
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,070
with me, the Bassman.
438
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,080
Well, we got a special one for you today.
439
00:17:00,090 --> 00:17:01,150
Talking about my Uncle Wilbur...
440
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:03,050
-This shit ain't right.
441
00:17:03,060 --> 00:17:04,150
-What? Bassman?
442
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,160
-It's a lie, and it's wrong,
443
00:17:06,170 --> 00:17:09,050
and I'm gonna bring that asshole down.
444
00:17:09,060 --> 00:17:11,100
I got a real intricate plan.
445
00:17:11,110 --> 00:17:13,170
-Bassman: ...something real bigger than bass. No, no, no.
446
00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:15,210
No, we're catching mermaids,
447
00:17:15,220 --> 00:17:17,120
and rights just now I got my sights
448
00:17:17,130 --> 00:17:19,070
on one just over yonder.
449
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,220
-Take that, you carpetbagging shit bird!
450
00:17:21,230 --> 00:17:24,020
Run, y'all!
451
00:17:24,030 --> 00:17:27,030
-(Brit gasps) -Oh! Humans are the worst!
452
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:29,130
-We're getting you out of here now. -Yeah!
453
00:17:29,140 --> 00:17:31,060
-He's a phony, all right?
454
00:17:31,070 --> 00:17:33,060
None of this shit's real, America.
455
00:17:33,070 --> 00:17:34,210
You're worshiping a fake idol!
456
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,220
-(normal voice) Quit filming!
457
00:17:35,230 --> 00:17:37,190
You're gonna ruin us, you goddamn morons!
458
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,070
-This show isn't live.
459
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,120
-Huh?
460
00:17:40,130 --> 00:17:43,000
Well, I want that goddamn mermaid.
461
00:17:43,010 --> 00:17:44,100
-Yeah, well, I want a lot of things.
462
00:17:44,110 --> 00:17:45,180
-(seagull cawing)
463
00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:46,190
-Okay.
464
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,120
-Oh, no!
465
00:17:49,130 --> 00:17:50,220
Is that your seagull pal?
466
00:17:50,230 --> 00:17:52,150
-Oh, again, that's some Disney shit!
467
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,050
Widen your cultural knowledge, Brit.
468
00:17:54,060 --> 00:17:55,210
-(laughing)
469
00:17:55,220 --> 00:17:57,080
-(grunting)
470
00:17:57,090 --> 00:17:58,140
-Bassman: Ooh, yeah.
471
00:17:58,150 --> 00:18:00,180
Prepare to meet Poseidon, Ariel!
472
00:18:00,190 --> 00:18:02,050
-That is so offensive.
473
00:18:02,050 --> 00:18:04,020
And, guys, it's not even the best mermaid movie!
474
00:18:04,030 --> 00:18:05,070
What about Splash?
475
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:08,030
-Yeah, but have you watched it recently? Does it hold up?
476
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,040
-Hoo-hoo-hoo, yeah.
477
00:18:10,050 --> 00:18:11,090
-Oh, God!
478
00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:12,170
-Brit: I'll have to hot-wire it.
479
00:18:12,180 --> 00:18:15,130
-No! No! I am not gonna let that happen.
480
00:18:15,140 --> 00:18:17,150
Oh! Ugh!
481
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:18,190
An elbow!
482
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,010
My only weakness.
483
00:18:20,020 --> 00:18:22,050
-Nobody jacks up my show!
484
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:25,150
-(dramatic music plays)
485
00:18:28,170 --> 00:18:30,180
-(sobbing) Well...
486
00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:33,000
I guess it's time. (sniffles)
487
00:18:33,010 --> 00:18:35,080
I'll miss you, Li'l Zoomer.
488
00:18:35,090 --> 00:18:37,050
-(somber music plays)
489
00:18:37,060 --> 00:18:38,150
-(gas sloshes)
490
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,070
-I guess there's no other way. -(gun cocks)
491
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:44,010
-(explosion) -(rumbling)
492
00:18:44,020 --> 00:18:45,210
-Oh!
493
00:18:45,220 --> 00:18:47,190
(gasps)
494
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,220
Bury me in California,
495
00:18:49,230 --> 00:18:53,020
so people don't think I was poor.
496
00:18:53,030 --> 00:18:54,200
-(engine starts)
497
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,080
-(gasps)
498
00:18:59,130 --> 00:19:00,150
(exhales)
499
00:19:03,070 --> 00:19:05,080
-Well... (clicks tongue)
500
00:19:05,090 --> 00:19:07,190
that could not have gone better. Right?
501
00:19:09,050 --> 00:19:11,020
Yeah, you get it.
502
00:19:19,030 --> 00:19:21,040
-Brit: Oh, my gosh. I can't believe we got away!
503
00:19:21,050 --> 00:19:23,120
Just let me check the GPS and see how far the ocean is.
504
00:19:23,130 --> 00:19:25,190
-Thank you for everything, Brit Brit,
505
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:28,010
and I'm really sorry for giving you such a hard time today.
506
00:19:28,020 --> 00:19:30,150
This just seemed like my only chance for happiness,
507
00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:32,190
and you were saying a lot of stupid things,
508
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,140
and messing up a shit ton.
509
00:19:34,150 --> 00:19:37,030
And I just thought you were a really dumb idiot.
510
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,020
-Oh, yeah. It's no problem.
511
00:19:39,030 --> 00:19:40,220
I mean, it was a rush,
512
00:19:40,230 --> 00:19:42,220
and it felt nice to be needed.
513
00:19:42,230 --> 00:19:43,230
-Yeah.
514
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,100
Gosh, I'm so excited.
515
00:19:45,110 --> 00:19:47,050
I've never been this far from the lake before
516
00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:49,040
and so close to my dreams.
517
00:19:49,050 --> 00:19:51,110
Ah, I feel so weird.
518
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,220
-Okay. So the GPS says it's about an hour to the ocean.
519
00:19:53,230 --> 00:19:55,050
How long can you be out of the water?
520
00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:57,100
-I don't know. -Could you give me a rough estimate?
521
00:19:57,110 --> 00:19:58,120
-(Karen chokes)
522
00:20:01,230 --> 00:20:02,230
-Hmm.
523
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,110
So not this long, then.
524
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:07,150
Guess it's back to the asshole factory. -(engine starts)
525
00:20:09,210 --> 00:20:11,230
-Lake Commissioner: Guys, my hands are tied here.
526
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,120
The academy is pretty consistently
527
00:20:13,130 --> 00:20:15,020
a major crime scene.
528
00:20:15,030 --> 00:20:16,210
You've had two dead bodies in two weeks.
529
00:20:16,220 --> 00:20:18,110
-No murders!
530
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,110
-As silver linings go, that's not great.
531
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:25,010
The National Association of Watersports and Dressage Education,
532
00:20:25,020 --> 00:20:26,200
they've ordered a complete review.
533
00:20:26,210 --> 00:20:29,010
-That's a thing?
534
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:30,110
That I know about.
535
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,100
-Lake Commissioner: I've agreed to perform the inspection
536
00:20:32,110 --> 00:20:33,180
and submit a report.
537
00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:35,010
Yeah, that's right.
538
00:20:35,020 --> 00:20:36,110
I'm an official member.
539
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:38,140
-Oh, Rob. I'm sorry. I--
540
00:20:38,150 --> 00:20:39,200
I feel I've just let you down.
541
00:20:39,210 --> 00:20:42,070
-No. No, Dirk.
542
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,020
Even if this nerd takes away our accreditation,
543
00:20:44,030 --> 00:20:46,040
it ain't the end of the world.
544
00:20:46,050 --> 00:20:48,010
At least our money problems are solved
545
00:20:48,020 --> 00:20:49,160
now that we have a mermaid
546
00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:51,060
that's gonna put us on the map
547
00:20:51,070 --> 00:20:53,130
as a worldwide tourist destination.
548
00:20:53,140 --> 00:20:56,020
-Yeah, I'm gonna need to know how much all this stuff costs.
549
00:20:56,030 --> 00:20:58,180
-Deh, deh, deh. -(Brit sighs heavily)
550
00:20:58,190 --> 00:21:00,050
-Hey, everyone.
551
00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:01,210
-Hey, Beth-Beth!
552
00:21:01,220 --> 00:21:03,000
Where's the mermaid?
553
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,220
-(dramatic music plays) -(flies buzz)
554
00:21:08,190 --> 00:21:10,070
-The mermaid?
555
00:21:12,060 --> 00:21:13,130
-Gil: Hey.
556
00:21:14,130 --> 00:21:16,210
Hey, how do these mermaid pregnancy tests work?
557
00:21:16,220 --> 00:21:20,030
Do you pee on the fin or the face?
558
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,090
-(sighs heavily)
559
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:23,050
The face.
560
00:21:23,060 --> 00:21:26,030
-♪ Now is the time ♪
561
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:29,050
♪ The lake is the place ♪
562
00:21:29,060 --> 00:21:32,080
♪ To make some stuff explode ♪
563
00:21:32,090 --> 00:21:35,110
♪ And throw it all in their face ♪
564
00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:38,120
♪ So don't be a tool ♪
565
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:42,000
♪ It's the ski master rule ♪
566
00:21:42,010 --> 00:21:44,180
♪ It's really great to be at ♪
567
00:21:44,190 --> 00:21:46,230
♪ Ski Master Academy ♪
568
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,210
♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪
569
00:21:50,220 --> 00:21:53,080
♪ We will kick your ass ♪
570
00:21:53,090 --> 00:21:55,060
-(wind howls)
571
00:21:55,070 --> 00:21:57,070
-Right on time.
40154
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.