Original subtitles

-(woman vocalizing)

-(dramatic music playing)

-They're right on my tail!

I can't lose 'em!

-(slow-motion screaming)

-(rapid beeping)

-(shattering)

-Ski you later.

-Americans know Rob Riggle as the star of the action-packed

and very noisy "Ski Master" franchise,

but with his Ski Master Academy enveloped in scandal,

fans are left wondering,

"Can he Riggle out of this one?"

-Oh, please.

I'm getting killed in the press, murdered online,

and last night I was strangled in my sex dream.

-(Gary scoffs) Oh, dude, me too. Right?

There was this girl. She had, like--

-No. No. Please, Gary, listen, all right?

You're my manager... -Yeah.

-...my agent, my brother-in-law... -Yeah. Uh-huh.

-...and my sex addiction sponsor.

-Still? -Yes.

I need your help, man, please!

-You got it. -All right.

-With what?

-The cadets, man, the academy!

-All right, whenever I'm in trouble,

the first thing I do is get rid of the cocaine.

-Of course I got rid of the cocaine.

-And there wasn't anything missing, right?

-Huh? -Like, you didn't notice

that there was less than you thought?

-I mean, I don't weigh it, but--

-And you should never weigh it, 'cause that's paranoid.

No one's stealing from you.

-All right. So, what should I do, man?

-Well, how about a press conference?

-Okay. -Yes.

-Yes. That's a good idea.

That's what I'm talkin' about. Gary, come on.

-We gotta show people the real Riggle.

-Yes. When? When do you wanna do this?

-Oh, yeah. I totally forgot. Right now.

-What? -Yeah. I invited them already.

Those... -Rob: Oh!

-(indistinct shouting) -Oh!

I gotta change.

-Hey.

-♪ Now, now is the time ♪

♪ The lake is the place ♪

♪ To make some stuff explode ♪

♪ And throw it all in their face ♪

♪ So don't be a tool ♪

♪ It's the ski master rule ♪

♪ It's really great to be at ♪

♪ Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

-(screaming)

-♪ We will kick your ass ♪

-Holy shit!

When I think of this academy,

when I think of our mission,

it's always been the same,

celebrating America

through personal watercraft education.

I believe that inside every single one of us,

there's a ski master.

-(Gary applauding) Oh, yeah. That was great.

All right, people. Well, I think that, uh, sums it all up,

unless there's any more questions.

-(overlapping chatter) -Shit.

-Man: Uh, how did you avoid bankruptcy?

-Woman: What is the body count now?

-Man: What's your relationship with Gary?

-Man: Can you defend your academy

after all that's happened?

-Did you kill those people?

-All right, listen up, nerds.

I'll tell you the whole story, all right?

-(rock music playing)

-(inaudible)

-Well, Dirk, how are we lookin'?

First day of the new semester, huh?

-Things are lookin' pretty good.

-You know, people said I was crazy

when I opened this place.

Some people still say that.

People can be dicks, but we'll show 'em.

-Yeah. You know, I wanted to thank you again.

After "Ski Masters" ended,

I was in a dark place.

Lots of painkillers. I gained a lot of weight. Ah.

-Ah, you can't tell.

-You know, people still say I look just like you

from a distance.

-(laughs)

Wait. Do they?

-I guess what I'm trying to say is, uh,

thanks for lettin' me be the commandant of the academy.

-Ah, hey, listen.

Don't mention it, buddy.

I figure it's the least I can do.

After 10 years of doing my stunts

and letting me take the credit,

you deserve a dream job.

(chuckles) -(firework whistling)

-Who's that? What's that?

-Oh, yeah.

Preggers!

Booyah, Preggers.

-Hey! -(laughs)

Hey, I want you to meet Dirk.

Dirk here runs the show.

Dirk, this is Preggers.

-Oh, when are you due?

-No, I ain't pregnant.

I'm just named after my mama.

-Hey, Preggers and I came up

with a great idea for a new course.

It's called Lake and Ski Culture.

-That's right.

We're just gonna spend the first day

shootin' off bottle rockets

at boogie boarders, you know what I mean,

and probably just doin' some prison tats.

-Okay. Okay. Uh, usually I set the curriculum, so, uh--

-Well, now you don't have to worry about it. Huh?

Come on, big guy. (laughing)

You're welcome.

-Heya, Rob. -Hey!

-Hey. How you doing? -Dirk.

-Good, good. -Oh, shit. Isn't that that dude

that's in that movie that that girl...

Like, what is her name? I don't like her.

-Uh, yeah. Hi. I'm Dermot Mulroney.

-He's our ski stunt instructor.

Apparently, havin' a A-list celebrity

has tripled our enrollment.

-Hey, I heard you picked up

a brand new fleet of super skis this year.

-(laughs) You better believe I did.

The academy has a credit card.

Yeah. You can get whatever you want.

I got skis. I got a horse.

Come on, I'll show you. -Swipe that.

-No.

-Oh.

-Uh, should you be smoking that next to those fireworks?

-We're gonna have a problem, dawg?

-(sighs heavily)

-That's right.

Comin' at ya! How we doin'? Great backpack.

-Brit: Dad?

-Hey, Brit Brit.

Hey, shouldn't you be working on that on-land obstacle course?

-No.

I shouldn't be building a goddamn playground.

I should be prepping a stunt course out in the water

that'll grow these punks' pubes.

-Well, they're all over 18.

-Look, I've been riding these thunder-powered lake lickers

since I was five years old,

as horrible as that was, parenting-wise.

Ground rules and training courses

are beneath me, and you know it, Dad.

-Listen.

I've done some of the most incredible, mind-bending,

awesome stunts ever seen by man,

but I did 'em so you don't have to.

Stunts are dangerous.

I should know.

-Yeah. Whoo! Jet skis are fun!

Whoa! Ha! Yeah!

-Besides, we have Dermot.

Dermot will teach the stunts.

You'll teach the safety,

Sea-Doo wake regulations.

Don't eat on skis. Uh... -Dermot: Hey, Rob!

Hey, Rob, you gotta check it out!

-This is kids' stuff, Dad.

Why would anybody be eating on a ski anyways?

-Dermot: All right, yeah! Listen to that baby purr.

-Hey, safety can be badass, too.

-What kind of fresh hell is this?

-Oh, yeah.

That's the new canoe camp.

-Canoes?

I hate canoes.

They're just slow, floaty logs

with a dipshit-sized hole cut in the middle.

What kinda sick bastard opens a canoe camp?

-Some Hall of Fame linebacker

who played for the Chicago Bears from 2000 to 2012.

-Oh, no.

You mean...

Brian Urlacher.

Ha! As I live and breathe.

What, uh...

What brings you to this neck of the woods?

-When I found out my new camp

was across from Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy,

I just had to come say hi.

-What's it been, um, a year?

-I think like two or three. You look healthy, Rob.

How you doin'?

-Well, uh, no complaints, I guess.

Um, how are you doing?

-Oh, fantastic.

-Great. Great.

-Well, just wanted to come say ahoy.

Please stop by the camp any time. We've got muffins.

-(laughs) I bet you do. Oh, yeah.

-Bye-bye. -Absolutely. Absolutely.

God, I can't believe that guy!

-Yeah. I mean, he's a doll, and he's kinda cute.

He's got that sweet ass.

-What? No.

Bullshit! What are you...

He just big-timed me.

He does this every time I see him.

He acts like he doesn't remember takin' a piss next to me

at the ESPYS one year ago, one.

-Now, do you think that when he said you looked healthy,

he was calling you fat?

-Well, now I do!

-Hmm. -God! He got me again!

-Well... -Let me tell you somethin'.

There is no way I am gonna share the lake with that man.

-Cool.

-One way or another,

Brian Urlacher and his shit-eating grin

are gonna be outta my life.

-Yeah. -(laughs) Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Yes.

Wait. -What?

-I didn't mean murder. That's...

It sounded murdery, but I didn't mean murder.

-How does someone get out of your life, then?

-I just want him to move away.

-To a shallow grave.

-Not any grave, just stop saying death.

Don't even think about death.

-(dramatic music playing)

-(whistle blowing)

-All right. Let's see some hustle out there.

Remember, the tires are waves.

The poles are buoys, and this thing is...

I don't know, piranhas.

Let's pick it up, Todd.

-First off, my name's not Todd.

It's, uh, Big Pound.

That's what everyone here calls me.

-Actually, they don't. -Yeah, they do.

When do we get to ride some actual crotch-soakers, Mama?

I didn't sign up to jump out of tires and shit.

-It's attitudes like Todd's here

that make it dangerous for everyone else,

and it is that danger that makes overprotective fathers

try to block your goddamn dreams!

Hypothetically.

-Can you shred out there?

Why don't you show us?

-Oh, I wish I could.

But first... (scoffs)

I have to teach you all not to eat and ski.

-What's wrong with ski-eating?

-(Jeb breathing heavily)

-Pardon me.

When do we address the vehicle's sinful nature?

-I thought the pope just declared

that jet skis weren't a sin.

-No, that's true, but I'm a Levitical scientist.

We believe everything is a sin,

but when we turn 25,

we must learn a water sport,

for that sin is the greatest pleasure

one can be tempted with.

-You're a weird guy, Jeb.

Okay. Okay.

Final lesson.

No matter what Preggers offers you,

do not ingest it.

Uh, class dismissed.

-(whistle blowing)

-Dermot: Oh, hey, Dirk. -Dirk: Hey.

-What? -Got you a gift.

Uh, it's a sandwich maker.

-Wow! Sandwich maker. -(laughing)

-I love sandwiches! -Oh, good.

-Dermot: Yeah! -Dirk: I'm so happy.

-Dermot: I eat 'em, like, twice a day.

-Dirk: Really? -With meat in 'em.

-Aw!

-Lake and ski culture is a delicate balance

between keepin' it 100, 24/7,

while simultaneously bullshittin' everyone around you

to get free stuff.

Anyone who critiques that behavior is a hater.

Okay?

Now, most importantly,

if you are a cop,

I just need to know right now.

Let's just put it all out on the table, okay?

I'm not lookin' at anyone in particular.

I just want to know.

-No.

-(howling) -(hooting)

-(eerie music playing)

-(woman laughing in distance)

(woman laughing menacingly)

-Hey.

Hey, did you guys hear that?

-Hey. Can you quiet down?

I'm tryin' to sex dream.

-Woman: Ooh!

-(woman laughing menacingly)

-(engine revving) -(laughing menacingly)

(laughing menacingly)

(coughing)

(laughing menacingly)

-(exclaims)

-The Phantom Rider.

-Who are you?

-My name's Gil,

watercraft mechanic, groundskeeper,

lake hermit, and all-around character.

-I'm Chauncey,

the academy's fanciest cadet.

-Well, stick around, little one.

I've got a story worth hearing.

-Mm, I don't know, sir.

You're throwin' me quite a few red flags.

-The year was 1989.

The Fine Young Cannibals ruled MTV.

Michael Dukakis had just broken my heart.

This lake was a one-stop shop

for partyin', bonfire hand jobs, and lake DUIs.

But on a night not unlike this one,

a beautiful young bride

went for a sunset ride and died

in a tragic accident

that was no one's fault.

Now her ghost

is condemned to ski the lake every night,

haunting light sleepers in the wee hours.

-But there has to be a way we can break the spell.

What if we get the killer to repent?

-What part of "no one's fault"

don't you understand?

Besides, this killer was condemned

to a fate worse than hell.

His ski license was revoked for eternity.

-It was you. You killed her.

I mean, I don't mean to offend,

but you got a real manslaughter vibe about you.

-Oh, well, look at the time.

I gotta get back to my shack and my tinkerin'.

Get some rest as best you can.

It isn't easy sleeping through her screams!

But it's doable.

Ahh.

-(Phantom Rider laughing menacingly)

-Mr. Lake Commissioner,

I would like to file a formal lake complaint

against Brian Urlacher.

-Oh, what a coincidence.

I got him right here.

-Hey, Rob. -Oh, God!

-Yeah, Mr. Urlacher was just in here

asking me if I could help him organize a charity canoe event

for something weird. What was it?

-At-risk teens.

-Yeah. At-risk teens.

They're the worst. -The worst.

-Anyways, what's your problem with him, Rob?

-Um, I didn't think I'd be filing the complaint

in front of him.

-Rob, please.

If I've offended you in any way

or made you feel uncomfortable at all,

I completely support you

going through the proper channels.

-This is the classic Urlacher bullshit

I'm talking about, all right?

Look, I'm just gonna bottom-line it for everybody.

There's not enough room on this lake for the both of us.

Besides him crowding the lake with his tacky canoes,

this lunatic has been harassing me and my academy.

-(sniffles)

-Commish...

have you ever been big-timed?

-Oh, yeah. -Rob--

-(groans) -Give us a chance.

Why don't you come by the canoe camp?

-Uh, why don't I put a gun in my mouth

and blow my fuckin' head off?

-Come on. We're gonna have some wine, some cheese.

My wife just picked up a beautiful Camembert.

-Oh-oh! Okay.

It's Cama-bert, all right?

There's a "T" at the end. -Camembert.

-It's bert. -Ber.

-"T" at the end.

"T" makes a "T" sound. -Ber.

Ber. -"T."

-Okay, guys, enough.

We need some sort of detente.

Look, I have the perfect solution,

or at least one that's fast and easy.

-(hammering)

-See? Compromise.

One side is for the canoe camp,

and the other side is for Riggle's Ski Academy,

and that's why I make 26K a year.

-(bird screeching)

-What do you mean, you won?

-What do you mean, what do I mean, I won?

I won!

The lake commissioner split the lake in half.

We get half, and Urlacher gets half.

Now, that dork only has half a lake

to dork around on his stupid logs.

-Yeah, but so do we.

Rob, we advertise access to a full lake.

Now we have to cut the cadet lake use fees in half.

-No, Dirk. I won.

Why can't you just be happy for me?

-Okay, Rob. You won.

-(laughing) Yeah, I did. (laughs)

Ski you later.

Oh, my God.

Urlacher tricked me into givin' away half my lake.

God!

This isn't over, you son of a bitch.

-(Phantom Rider laughing menacingly)

-Groundskeeper. Groundskeeper.

-(cat yowls) -(Gil groans)

-What?

It's the middle of the night.

-I haven't slept in three days.

Please, Mr. Groundskeeper, you have to apologize

for killing the phantom lake skier

so she'll shut up and stop haunting the lake.

-All right. Let me get my pants on.

-No. No time for pants.

How do you live in this thing?

-Rent-free.

-(laughing menacingly)

-Okay. We're really gonna do this?

-Yes. You're gonna do it

so I can please get some sleep.

-Okay. -(laughing)

-All right. She's here. Do your thing.

-Well, well, well.

I wondered when my cries

would drive my killer back here,

begging forgiveness.

-Ugh. I have to beg, really?

-Or just a standard apology.

-Okay, fine.

I'm sorry I mowed you down.

I was lit up on wine coolers. It was a different time.

No one knew how potent they were.

I'm really sorry for any harm that I did,

and I'm responsible for my actions.

-Then after 30 years,

I can finally now rest.

You sincerely apologized

and agreed to give up the drink.

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa. Whoa.

You got the apology. I'm not gonna quit drinkin'.

Drinkin's my favorite.

-Well, this was a complete waste of time, wasn't it?

For your sins, I will haunt this lake forever!

(laughing menacingly)

Later, dipshits!

-Well...

Mmm.

I tried.

-But you didn't.

-Brit: Hey, Dermot Mulroney.

-Hey, Brit Brit.

-Has my dad mentioned anything to you

about me wanting to teach ski stunts?

-No. He never really talks about you.

The only reason I know he's your dad

is 'cause, uh, Gil told me.

-Great. Well, here's the thing. Um...

I've actually been riding since I was five.

-Wow. That's awesome.

-If I show you my stuff out there,

maybe you could put in a good word for me with my dad,

and then I won't have to teach safety.

-Safety's overrated, Brit,

but I don't think you need to seek your dad's approval.

This whole lifestyle

is about not caring what other people think,

so just try to find the balance

between following in your dad's footsteps

and forging your own path.

Find the balance between caution and freedom,

the balance between staying on your water stallion, and...

falling off.

-Balance.

-Yeah.

-You know, Dermot Mulroney,

you're not such a dumb celebrity gimmick after all.

-Thanks, Brit Brit.

Hoagie time.

Meatball sub.

Think I'm gonna have lunch out on the waves.

Catch you out there, Brit Brit.

-Are you sure you wanna eat and ski?

-Yeah, yeah. No problem. No problem at all.

-(inspirational music playing)

-Yeah, looks like it's gonna be

one hell of a summer for both of us.

In fact, the chances are--

(muttering)

(coughing)

(coughing)

(gagging)

-(engine idling)

-Oh, my God. Dermot Mulroney is dead!

-This is... bullshit!

I only signed up for this academy

so that I would be taught by Dermot Mulroney

on a full-sized lake.

Screw this place.

-Rob: Hold on! Hey, hey, hey. Hold on.

Okay. Relax, everybody. Relax.

This isn't a problem.

Look, we can fix this, all right?

No one's goin' anywhere, okay?

-Eat shit, Rob Riggle.

You know what? I'm gonna go try canoes.

-No. No. Don't say that. -Woman: Yeah, let's go.

-Hey, don't. Come back. No! -Man: I'm outta here.

-Rob, we've just forfeited almost all of our tuition.

We could lose the academy.

That means I have to go back to stunts, pills, and pie.

-On the bright side, though,

this is an opportunity for me to take over stunt class.

-Brit Brit, it's only been a minute.

-Seriously, that is messed up. -Ugh.

-I mean, technically, we could still save him.

-(engine revving)

-Well, not now.

-This tragedy does teach us that

it is important that you teach those safety courses.

-Why am I being punished

because Dermot Mulroney is an idiot?

-Was.

-Was an idiot.

-(jet ski explodes)

-(howling)

-(hooting)

-Hey, you're not ridin' the lake tonight. What gives?

-You know, I just...

I think I'm gonna put haunting on the back burner

for a little while.

(moaning)

Oh. Oh, yeah. That's the spot.

-What's going on? Who's in there?

-(slow ambient music playing)

-Hi, Gil. -Nice.

Got room for a third?

-(Phantom Rider chuckles)

-(roaring)

-Man: Right on time.