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Life: it's literally
all we have
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00:00:02,925 --> 00:00:04,425
But is it any good?
3
00:00:04,450 --> 00:00:06,150
I'm a reviewer,
but I don't review
4
00:00:06,175 --> 00:00:07,875
food, books, or movies.
5
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,000
I review life itself.
6
00:00:10,025 --> 00:00:12,025
Viva the revolution!
7
00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:28,000
Hello, and welcome
to Review.
8
00:00:28,075 --> 00:00:29,775
I'm Forrest MacNeil.
9
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,200
Whatever life experience
you're curious about,
10
00:00:32,225 --> 00:00:34,925
I will do it,
and then I will review it.
11
00:00:34,950 --> 00:00:37,150
And here to field
your inquiries
12
00:00:37,150 --> 00:00:39,650
from the Review command center
is A.J. Gibbs.
13
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,400
A.J., if we do this right,
14
00:00:42,425 --> 00:00:45,325
we'll shed new light
on what it means to be alive.
15
00:00:46,050 --> 00:00:47,450
We'd better do it right.
16
00:00:47,475 --> 00:00:48,675
Yes we'd better.
17
00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:51,000
My first review.
What is it, please?
18
00:00:51,325 --> 00:00:53,725
Your first review
comes to us from Mork
19
00:00:53,750 --> 00:00:55,150
in Lincoln, Nebraska.
20
00:00:55,175 --> 00:00:56,375
- Mork?
- Yeah.
21
00:00:56,376 --> 00:00:58,176
Well, you don't
hear that very often.
22
00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,800
Hi, I'm Mark.
23
00:01:00,525 --> 00:01:02,725
Forrest, I'm thinking
about stealing my mom's TV,
24
00:01:02,726 --> 00:01:04,726
but I wonder that
it would feel like.
25
00:01:04,950 --> 00:01:07,150
Would the guilt devour me
from the inside out,
26
00:01:07,175 --> 00:01:09,175
or would I like it so much
that I lose interest
27
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,200
in everything else in life?
28
00:01:12,425 --> 00:01:14,025
Stealing.
29
00:01:14,050 --> 00:01:17,650
What's it like to take things
that aren't yours?
30
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:21,575
I'm gonna find out.
31
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,600
- And I'll let you know, Mark.
- Good luck.
32
00:01:29,825 --> 00:01:31,625
My old friend
malted milk balls.
33
00:01:31,650 --> 00:01:33,650
A couple times a weeks,
I come here
34
00:01:33,675 --> 00:01:35,775
and scoop a few
of these fellas into a bag,
35
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:37,300
bring it up
to the register,
36
00:01:37,325 --> 00:01:39,025
and trade my money
for my balls.
37
00:01:39,050 --> 00:01:41,050
But today...
Oh, hello.
38
00:01:44,075 --> 00:01:45,575
Today I'm skipping
that last part.
39
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,200
Come on. Okay.
40
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,525
Oh, boy.
41
00:01:50,050 --> 00:01:51,550
Oh, wow.
42
00:01:51,575 --> 00:01:52,975
What am I doing?
What am I doing?
43
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,200
What am I doing?
44
00:01:54,925 --> 00:01:56,825
Didn't really find anything
to buy today, so...
45
00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:58,250
- Okay.
- Just one of those days.
46
00:01:58,275 --> 00:01:59,675
Oh, oh.
47
00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:00,900
You're all right, dog?
48
00:02:00,925 --> 00:02:02,625
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
49
00:02:02,850 --> 00:02:04,750
I'm really doing this.
50
00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,050
Okay.
51
00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:08,000
These people trust me.
52
00:02:08,050 --> 00:02:09,650
I can go to jail
for this.
53
00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:14,150
Aah.
54
00:02:14,375 --> 00:02:16,975
Oh, wow.
That was exciting.
55
00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:20,800
I mean, it was scary,
but it was kind of scary
56
00:02:20,825 --> 00:02:22,625
like a roller coaster,
you know what I mean?
57
00:02:22,650 --> 00:02:24,850
And I-I can't say
58
00:02:24,875 --> 00:02:26,875
I feel any guilt
about it, really.
59
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,700
And look at these.
60
00:02:29,725 --> 00:02:31,725
I mean, these are my favorites.
61
00:02:32,950 --> 00:02:35,150
I wonder if my theft
was too impersonal.
62
00:02:41,175 --> 00:02:42,975
Hey, pardon me.
63
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,400
Can I give you a hand
with those?
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00:02:44,425 --> 00:02:46,025
Oh, thank you.
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00:02:46,050 --> 00:02:47,950
Oh, sure.
Oh, good, yeah.
66
00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:49,450
It's so hard to get...
67
00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:51,400
- Oh, I know, yes.
- Thank you.
68
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,600
Well, my pleasure.
69
00:02:56,150 --> 00:02:57,950
Sorry.
70
00:02:58,175 --> 00:02:59,175
Oh, yeah.
71
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,500
Hey, where are you going?
72
00:03:00,525 --> 00:03:02,325
Ah, that's very different.
73
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,450
Feels bad.
That feels really bad.
74
00:03:04,975 --> 00:03:07,175
But stealing began to look
quite different to me
75
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,900
when I brought
the groceries home
76
00:03:08,950 --> 00:03:11,750
and shared them with my wife
Suzanne and son Eric.
77
00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:12,750
Cake!
78
00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:14,175
Oh, my God.
What does it say?
79
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,500
"Happy Birthday... Lorraine"?
80
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,100
Yeah. Well, I guess
81
00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:19,600
they just had
some extra cakes and...
82
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,100
Oh. Come here, you.
83
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,800
I love these surprises.
84
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,100
Yes.
85
00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:26,800
A lot of shredded wheat
in here, huh?
86
00:03:26,850 --> 00:03:28,450
Yeah.
87
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,800
To truly experience
life as a thief,
88
00:03:31,825 --> 00:03:33,825
I realized I would
have to put myself
89
00:03:33,850 --> 00:03:36,650
at greater and greater risk
of legal consequences.
90
00:03:37,750 --> 00:03:40,250
My crimes could
no longer be easy
91
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:43,300
or simply victimize
the old and the slow
92
00:03:43,825 --> 00:03:45,525
- Excuse me.
- Oh.
93
00:03:45,525 --> 00:03:47,525
Did you just take my hat?
94
00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:48,875
No.
95
00:03:48,875 --> 00:03:49,975
Hey, but you know what?
96
00:03:49,975 --> 00:03:51,975
If somebody did
take your hat,
97
00:03:52,850 --> 00:03:54,550
I would like you
to have mine.
98
00:03:55,175 --> 00:03:56,975
Come on.
99
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,200
Yeah, why not?
100
00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,400
I was surprised to find
101
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,875
that I was
incredibly talented
102
00:04:00,875 --> 00:04:03,375
at separating people
from their belongings.
103
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,400
My goodness.
Hey, is that Justin Bieber,
104
00:04:05,425 --> 00:04:06,975
or does she just
look like him?
105
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,300
No, that's him.
106
00:04:08,325 --> 00:04:10,025
What an angelic face
he's got.
107
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:12,200
There was nothing
I could not have...
108
00:04:12,625 --> 00:04:14,225
for free.
109
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,300
Go!
110
00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:36,400
Inspired by my successes
with petty crime,
111
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,900
I converted the Review offices
into a staging ground
112
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:41,000
for my most ambitious heist yet.
113
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,300
We are not here
for your money.
114
00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:43,600
We are here
for the bank's money,
115
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:44,700
which is federally insured.
116
00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:47,300
I enlisted the aid of
my executive assistant Lucille
117
00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:49,200
and our office intern Josh.
118
00:04:49,275 --> 00:04:51,075
We would not
go unprepared.
119
00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:53,400
As we saw during
the fiscal crisis of 2008,
120
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,500
the federal government
will not hesitate
121
00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:57,200
to step in and bail out
the banks...
122
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,900
- 30 seconds!
- with taxpayer money, and...
123
00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:00,300
when we do it,
I'll make it shorter.
124
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,400
It's too long. Okay.
125
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,100
If you're the head teller,
raise your hand!
126
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:05,300
Will you please
be the head teller, Lucille?
127
00:05:05,300 --> 00:05:07,000
- Please. Good. Okay.
- Great.
128
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,200
Okay. Take me into the vault,
right now!
129
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,100
- No funny business.
- Great. Wait, wait, wait.
130
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,100
- Where's the vault?
- Oh, it's over here.
131
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,400
Thank you.
132
00:05:27,925 --> 00:05:29,925
- Gracias.
- You're welcome.
133
00:05:33,350 --> 00:05:34,750
Good. So you're headed
to the vault.
134
00:05:34,775 --> 00:05:36,275
Right.
135
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,200
Lucille, do you
have the stockings?
136
00:05:41,225 --> 00:05:43,225
Yes, I do.
137
00:05:45,150 --> 00:05:47,150
Oh.
138
00:05:48,850 --> 00:05:50,450
There's the guard,
Mr. MacNeil.
139
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,700
Okay.
140
00:05:54,625 --> 00:05:56,125
Let's do this.
141
00:05:59,475 --> 00:06:01,175
They certainly are warm.
142
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,500
It's nice.
143
00:06:03,325 --> 00:06:04,925
All right.
144
00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:06,050
- Head teller.
- Yeah.
145
00:06:06,050 --> 00:06:07,650
- Straight to the vault, right?
- Right.
146
00:06:07,650 --> 00:06:09,150
And I'm crowd control.
147
00:06:09,150 --> 00:06:10,950
- You're ready?
- Yeah.
148
00:06:11,550 --> 00:06:13,150
Let's go.
149
00:06:19,675 --> 00:06:21,875
- Please don't skip.
- Okay, all right.
150
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,700
Let's get it.
151
00:06:25,550 --> 00:06:27,450
- Drop your weapon!
- Oh, no, no, no!
152
00:06:27,450 --> 00:06:29,350
Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh!
153
00:06:29,850 --> 00:06:31,850
Let's go! Let's go! Get out!
154
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:33,900
Oh, look at that!
155
00:06:33,950 --> 00:06:35,550
Oh, I'm so sorry.
156
00:06:35,850 --> 00:06:37,450
Oh, my... Oh, man...
157
00:06:37,750 --> 00:06:39,850
- Oh, you are gonna die.
- No!
158
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,600
- Yes, you're going to die.
- Shut up!
159
00:06:41,625 --> 00:06:43,025
Start the car, Lucille!
160
00:06:43,025 --> 00:06:44,925
- What?
- There was another guard!
161
00:06:44,975 --> 00:06:46,975
Start the car!
Start the car!
162
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,000
- Open the doors!
- Hold on.
163
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,700
Reach through
and open the handle.
164
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:52,400
- Manually open it.
- There!
165
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,400
Thank you.
Why was that so hard?
166
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:55,700
Come on, Josh!
167
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:57,700
- He's bleeding.
- Yes, I know he's...
168
00:06:57,700 --> 00:06:59,000
Go, go, go!
169
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,500
- Drive, drive, drive!
- Aah!
170
00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:02,700
Oh, what a pointless
way to die!
171
00:07:02,700 --> 00:07:04,700
You don't know
that I'm dying!
172
00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:06,000
You don't see the blood!
173
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,800
- This is a lot of blood!
- I'm gonna be fine!
174
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,000
Is there anything
you want us
175
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,200
to say to your family?
176
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,200
Fuck you!
I trusted you.
177
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,500
Oh, don't say that...
178
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:15,200
Although we did not
leave the bank
179
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,900
with a garbage bag
full of cash,
180
00:07:16,900 --> 00:07:19,800
I took away something
far more valuable:
181
00:07:20,050 --> 00:07:23,350
a newfound respect
for America's unpaid interns.
182
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:25,800
Josh's screams
will haunt me forever.
183
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,700
Aah! Oh, God!
184
00:07:28,050 --> 00:07:30,450
My only consolation,
if there even is a consolation,
185
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,650
is that he will now
carry around with him,
186
00:07:32,650 --> 00:07:34,050
for the rest of his life,
187
00:07:34,050 --> 00:07:37,050
a reminder about the follies
of stealing...
188
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,700
on his buttocks.
That's where the reminder is.
189
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,300
Stealing: two stars.
190
00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:51,800
Let's see what
my next review is, A.J.
191
00:07:52,825 --> 00:07:55,725
Patty in
Park City, Utah, texts:
192
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:08,200
Well, the only thing
I've ever been addicted to
193
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,800
is a thirst for knowledge.
194
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,800
I guess that
doesn't count, though.
195
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,000
- I don't think so.
- All right, then.
196
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,400
I am about to go
and get myself addicted
197
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,400
to something stronger
198
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,000
and more powerful
than knowledge.
199
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,400
Aha.
200
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,600
Those are nicely made lines.
201
00:08:26,250 --> 00:08:27,850
Well, I have never
done cocaine before,
202
00:08:27,850 --> 00:08:29,700
and I have no idea
how easy or hard it is
203
00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:30,950
to get addicted to it.
204
00:08:30,950 --> 00:08:33,850
I confess I am quite nervous
about this, but...
205
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:36,400
Thank you.
206
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,600
Bon voyage.
207
00:08:39,925 --> 00:08:41,425
Happy sailing.
208
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:48,100
That's like bleach
in my sinuses.
209
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,600
That's terrible.
210
00:08:52,625 --> 00:08:54,825
No. That's a terrible feeling.
211
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,200
Goodbye, cocaine.
212
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,050
No, no, no, no, no, no,
Mister...
213
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:00,400
What?
214
00:09:00,550 --> 00:09:02,350
You would've liked
to have done that cocaine?
215
00:09:02,350 --> 00:09:03,950
- No
- No, of course not.
216
00:09:03,950 --> 00:09:06,450
That's absolute garbage.
That's terrible.
217
00:09:06,450 --> 00:09:08,450
I feel like going for a walk.
You wanna go for a walk?
218
00:09:08,450 --> 00:09:10,350
Yeah, I'm just gonna
take out your trash real quick.
219
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:11,650
That's fine.
220
00:09:11,650 --> 00:09:13,650
Some people simply
can't get addicted.
221
00:09:13,650 --> 00:09:15,700
Their brains are too sturdy.
222
00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:17,250
Could this be my problem?
223
00:09:17,250 --> 00:09:19,450
I tested that hypothesis
with two other
224
00:09:19,450 --> 00:09:21,550
famously addictive substances:
225
00:09:21,550 --> 00:09:23,750
cigarettes filled
with tobacco...
226
00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:26,025
Oh, no, no, no.
227
00:09:26,025 --> 00:09:27,825
and alcoholic wine.
228
00:09:27,825 --> 00:09:30,625
But I could not get
those monkeys on my back.
229
00:09:30,625 --> 00:09:32,225
All this does
is make me sleepy.
230
00:09:33,925 --> 00:09:36,625
I think I'll, uh,
go to the bathroom.
231
00:09:41,050 --> 00:09:42,850
So you can add alcohol
to the list
232
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,200
of shit I'm not
addicted to.
233
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,200
I mean, maybe I'm just
invulnerable to addiction.
234
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,300
Like, what am I, a superhero?
235
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,400
It's Mr. Invulnerable!
236
00:09:51,150 --> 00:09:53,050
Okay, so I have tried
237
00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:54,750
cocaine, cigarettes, alcohol,
238
00:09:54,750 --> 00:09:56,050
didn't get addicted
to any of those.
239
00:09:56,150 --> 00:09:58,050
But there's one more thing
I need to try,
240
00:09:58,050 --> 00:09:59,950
Cocaine!
241
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,300
Just like my wife Suzanne,
who for years
242
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:05,800
had enjoyed taking pot
from time to time,
243
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:08,500
my occasional recreational
use of cocaine
244
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,000
had improved my life.
245
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,300
I was more productive...
246
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:13,600
Red ones and yellow ones.
I got a lot of red books.
247
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,000
I made more scarves...
248
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,000
I'm making you one.
249
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,100
I don't know if you'll wear it
or not. I don't even care.
250
00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:19,100
I was a better father.
251
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:20,600
Chicken Little goes up to Henny Penny.
252
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:21,900
"Henny Penny,
the sky is falling!"
253
00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:23,600
and of course henny penny
didn't believe him.
254
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,000
"What do you mean
the sky is falling?"
255
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,600
The sky is falling!
256
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:30,600
Okay.
257
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:31,750
All right.
258
00:10:31,750 --> 00:10:33,050
Hey, Forrest.
259
00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:34,650
Did you make
14 ATM withdraw...
260
00:10:34,650 --> 00:10:35,700
- Whoa.
- Yeah, sorry.
261
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:37,400
- What just happened?
- Nothing, it broked.
262
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,000
It's fine, it's fine.
No. What? What?
263
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,900
Okay. Somebody made 14 ATM
withdrawals this week.
264
00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:43,600
Why would you assume
that it would be me?
265
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:44,850
Did you ever consider maybe
266
00:10:44,850 --> 00:10:46,150
What's-his-name is doing it?
267
00:10:46,150 --> 00:10:47,350
It could be
What's-his-name.
268
00:10:47,350 --> 00:10:48,750
Who's What's-his-name?
269
00:10:48,750 --> 00:10:50,350
You know, upstairs.
270
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,550
The kid.
271
00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,950
All right, hot shot,
do you know his name?
272
00:10:53,950 --> 00:10:55,150
Eric?
273
00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:57,450
All right, fine.
Yes, you win that one.
274
00:10:57,450 --> 00:10:58,650
What is wrong with you?
275
00:10:58,650 --> 00:10:59,950
Nothing's wrong.
I'm fine.
276
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,550
I'm just trying
to eat something.
277
00:11:04,550 --> 00:11:05,750
Tell me what I did wrong.
278
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,650
I'm pretty sure
these gray ones go in here.
279
00:11:07,650 --> 00:11:09,550
I volunteered
to chaperone Eric
280
00:11:09,550 --> 00:11:11,350
and his friends
on a camping trip
281
00:11:11,350 --> 00:11:12,950
and made
an important discovery
282
00:11:12,950 --> 00:11:15,650
about my relationship
to cocaine.
283
00:11:15,950 --> 00:11:17,650
Wait a minute.
Hey, Eric.
284
00:11:17,950 --> 00:11:21,350
Have you seen, uh,
that bag that I had,
285
00:11:21,350 --> 00:11:25,450
that little plastic bag
of, uh, camping powder?
286
00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:26,950
No.
287
00:11:26,950 --> 00:11:29,050
Being separated
from cocaine for six hours
288
00:11:29,050 --> 00:11:31,050
Made me realize
I had a problem,
289
00:11:31,050 --> 00:11:32,350
And I needed help...
290
00:11:32,350 --> 00:11:34,050
in the form
of more cocaine.
291
00:11:34,050 --> 00:11:35,850
- Hey, Mr. MacNeil.
- Do you have it?
292
00:11:35,850 --> 00:11:37,650
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
293
00:11:37,650 --> 00:11:39,350
God.
294
00:11:39,650 --> 00:11:41,250
All right, men, we're gonna do
everything this weekend.
295
00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:42,450
We're gonna get our
bird-watching badges.
296
00:11:42,450 --> 00:11:43,650
Who wants their bird-watch...
Anybody want
297
00:11:43,650 --> 00:11:44,950
their bird-watching badge,
we're gonna do it.
298
00:11:44,950 --> 00:11:46,950
We're gonna find some birds,
and we're gonna watch them,
299
00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:48,950
and then we're gonna get our
orienteering badges, you guys.
300
00:11:48,950 --> 00:11:51,250
- Your nose is bleeding.
- Oh.
301
00:11:51,250 --> 00:11:53,250
That's 'cause I'm having
a heart attack, you guys.
302
00:11:53,250 --> 00:11:54,650
- Dad?
- I'm having a heart attack.
303
00:11:54,650 --> 00:11:56,350
Do you have shooting pain
down your arm?
304
00:11:56,350 --> 00:11:57,750
Yeah, I got shooting pains
everywhere.
305
00:11:57,750 --> 00:11:59,150
Oh, my God,
I'm having a heart attack.
306
00:11:59,150 --> 00:12:00,250
I'm definitely gonna die.
307
00:12:00,250 --> 00:12:01,650
I am definitely gonna die!
308
00:12:01,650 --> 00:12:02,850
- Oh, God! Oh!
- Dad?
309
00:12:02,850 --> 00:12:04,250
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
310
00:12:04,250 --> 00:12:05,550
Shut up.
How do you know CPR?
311
00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:07,450
Why do you know CPR?
This kid's a cop!
312
00:12:07,450 --> 00:12:09,400
- Dad?
- This kid is a cop!
313
00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:12,800
We don't know
how he'll react,
314
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,800
But remember, you literally
could be saving his life.
315
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,400
So it's important
everyone is here and...
316
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:18,700
- Oh, my... Okay.
- Oh, what is this?
317
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,400
Oh, is this an intervention?
318
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,500
Always a fast learner,
I was proud to see
319
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:25,300
I had gone from fumbled snorting
to overdose
320
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:27,300
to family intervention
in record time.
321
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:28,950
No, no, no, no, no,
put your letters away,
322
00:12:28,950 --> 00:12:30,350
I can save you some time.
No, no, no.
323
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:31,650
I've been a monster, right?
324
00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:32,950
Everybody's gonna
say that, right?
325
00:12:32,950 --> 00:12:34,950
I've been a real terrible dad.
I let you down.
326
00:12:34,950 --> 00:12:36,450
I've been a horrible
son-in-law.
327
00:12:36,450 --> 00:12:38,950
I've been a real disappointment
as a dog owner.
328
00:12:38,950 --> 00:12:40,950
I've been such a bad neighbor.
329
00:12:40,950 --> 00:12:42,950
I don't even know what I did
to these guys.
330
00:12:42,950 --> 00:12:44,700
Who cares?
Let's go to rehab!
331
00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:46,200
I can't wait to go
to rehab!
332
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,300
Come on, Tom, hurry up!
I don't need anything.
333
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:50,000
Let's just go!
Let's just go!
334
00:12:50,650 --> 00:12:53,050
- I-I Guess I should go too.
- Okay.
335
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,500
Sorry.
336
00:12:58,150 --> 00:12:59,950
Well, I'm gonna read
my speech.
337
00:12:59,950 --> 00:13:01,750
I worked hard on it.
338
00:13:02,275 --> 00:13:04,275
"In the words
of grandmaster flash,
339
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,700
you going high on that cocaine.
340
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,900
You going crazy
like a cocaine train."
341
00:13:10,350 --> 00:13:11,650
When I get back from rehab,
342
00:13:11,650 --> 00:13:13,350
I'll probably say
cocaine is terrible,
343
00:13:13,350 --> 00:13:16,550
but don't believe me.
Cocaine is amazing!
344
00:13:16,550 --> 00:13:18,750
I give it a million stars!
345
00:13:18,750 --> 00:13:20,800
Do not believe the guy
in the studio
346
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,900
who tries to tell you
it's terrible.
347
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:25,900
That guy is a liar!
348
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:30,600
No. I am not a liar.
349
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:31,800
He is.
350
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,200
I am a recovering addict
351
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,800
who went to rehab
and got clean.
352
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,400
He is a drug-addled maniac
353
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,000
who nearly destroyed his family
and his financial security
354
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,500
and his heart and his brain.
355
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:44,300
Addiction:
Half a star.
356
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,000
A.J., may I have
my next review, please?
357
00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:58,950
@Kelly_of_VT tweets:
358
00:14:05,350 --> 00:14:06,750
Going to the senior prom.
359
00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:08,550
It won't be easy
for an adult like me,
360
00:14:08,550 --> 00:14:10,550
but I will find a way
to do it.
361
00:14:11,850 --> 00:14:13,750
Prom season
was in full swing,
362
00:14:13,750 --> 00:14:15,850
but to gain entry
to this exclusive event,
363
00:14:15,850 --> 00:14:17,950
I'd need an
age-appropriate escort.
364
00:14:18,550 --> 00:14:20,550
I don't have a date myself.
365
00:14:21,150 --> 00:14:22,450
No date to the prom.
366
00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:24,250
But just like
when I was in high school,
367
00:14:24,250 --> 00:14:27,150
every teenage girl I asked
already had plans.
368
00:14:27,150 --> 00:14:29,450
That's quite hurtful,
but thank you for your honesty.
369
00:14:29,450 --> 00:14:31,650
Excuse me, I don't have
a visitor's pass,
370
00:14:31,650 --> 00:14:33,250
so I need to make
this really quick.
371
00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:35,150
Hey, I'm looking for a date
to your senior prom,
372
00:14:35,150 --> 00:14:36,550
and I don't care
who I go with.
373
00:14:36,550 --> 00:14:38,250
Hang on, now.
All right.
374
00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:40,050
Oop, there's that
guidance counselor
375
00:14:40,050 --> 00:14:41,250
who was giving me
grief before.
376
00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:43,050
I'm not supposed to be
in the building.
377
00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:48,100
Eventually, my search
for a human prom ticket
378
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:50,000
led me to my
own living room.
379
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,400
I see you found
the sandwiches.
380
00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:56,150
Meg Carmichael, a senior
at nearby Franklin high,
381
00:14:56,150 --> 00:14:57,850
was our sitter.
382
00:15:05,350 --> 00:15:08,350
Meg, there's something I'd like
to talk to you about.
383
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:11,050
You're a senior
in high school now, yes?
384
00:15:12,350 --> 00:15:13,650
Y-Yeah.
385
00:15:13,650 --> 00:15:15,650
And you've got a prom
coming up, right?
386
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,050
Yeah.
387
00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:20,050
Has anyone asked you
to your senior prom yet?
388
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:25,700
No.
389
00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:28,500
How would you like
to go to your prom with me?
390
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,350
- Okay.
- Yes!
391
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,100
Oh, goody!
I'm... I'm glad. I'm glad.
392
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:40,900
We're gonna have
a very good time.
393
00:15:42,950 --> 00:15:44,950
Now I'll take you home.
394
00:15:46,350 --> 00:15:48,150
I arrived at 6:00 sharp
395
00:15:48,150 --> 00:15:51,050
to find my date looking
elegant and ladylike.
396
00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:52,850
Look at that dress.
397
00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:56,050
Oh, my goodness, it matches
your whole personality.
398
00:15:56,050 --> 00:15:58,450
After a brief photo shoot
on the front lawn...
399
00:15:58,450 --> 00:16:00,750
This is sort of an
exciting milestone
400
00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:01,950
for parents, isn't it?
401
00:16:01,950 --> 00:16:04,350
Who knows what's in store
for us tonight?
402
00:16:04,450 --> 00:16:06,050
We were on our way.
403
00:16:11,250 --> 00:16:14,450
Paging Meg Carmichael
to the dance floor!
404
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,300
Meg was a sweet
enough girl,
405
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:20,900
but I quickly realized
the results of my experiment
406
00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:23,900
were being skewed by her
seemingly genetic inability
407
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,100
to have a good time.
408
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:26,400
- Huh?
- I'm not dancing.
409
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:27,700
You're not gonna dance?
Come on.
410
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:28,800
Put that down.
411
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,300
There's better food
than that here.
412
00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:31,500
Did you bring
this from home?
413
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:32,900
You brought
your own sandwich?
414
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:34,900
Let's go have us
some prom.
415
00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:37,400
Hey, how's everybody over here?
How's it going?
416
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,600
Meg and I were just circulating
about, meeting some folk.
417
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,000
Are you a friend of Meg's?
418
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,400
- Um...
- Oh, no.
419
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,400
Look at that reaction.
That's interesting.
420
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,400
Have we sidled
up to a table full
421
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,900
of popular kids?
422
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:50,000
Did you bring
your S.A.T. tutor?
423
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,500
He looks like my pediatrician,
Dr. Nosebaum.
424
00:16:52,850 --> 00:16:54,050
No, he's the weatherman,
425
00:16:54,050 --> 00:16:55,750
and I bet I know
his favorite temperature.
426
00:16:55,750 --> 00:16:57,750
- What?
- 69.
427
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,200
Actually, yes, that is
my favorite temperature.
428
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,000
- 69 is my favorite temperature.
- No, it's not.
429
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:03,800
Yes, it is. 69.
It's like a perfect spring day.
430
00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:05,700
- A beautiful day.
- No, Mr. MacNeil, it is not...
431
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:07,200
I don't understand
what the problem is.
432
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,900
- I like 69.
- No, no.
433
00:17:08,900 --> 00:17:10,100
It's our one and only
prom night.
434
00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:11,800
I hope you don't mind if we get
a bunch of these.
435
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,300
Let's do one where we're both
flying toward the camera, okay?
436
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:16,100
Good. Okay, great.
And then let's do the old
437
00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:18,200
Addams Family pose, like...
what are their names?
438
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,050
Uh, I forget, but yeah.
439
00:17:20,050 --> 00:17:21,950
If there's something
you want to do...
440
00:17:21,950 --> 00:17:24,350
Please, we have not settled
on a pose yet.
441
00:17:25,250 --> 00:17:27,450
Although depressed myself
at this point,
442
00:17:27,450 --> 00:17:29,950
I decided to rally Meg
with a pep talk.
443
00:17:29,950 --> 00:17:31,950
One day, everyone here
will grow up,
444
00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:34,250
and the people who were mean,
they will regret
445
00:17:34,250 --> 00:17:35,550
how insensitive they were.
446
00:17:35,550 --> 00:17:36,850
Forrest MacNeil?
447
00:17:36,850 --> 00:17:38,250
- Is that you?
- Yes, it is.
448
00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:40,200
Wow, what are the odds, man?
449
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,500
Todd Schuster.
From high school.
450
00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:44,100
- Todd Schuster!
- Yeah.
451
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:46,300
- Oh, my God, that's amazing.
- How are ya?
452
00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:47,500
- I'm good.
- Wow.
453
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:48,900
We went to high school
together.
454
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,400
- Wow.
- What are you doing here?
455
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,100
I... well, I could ask you
the same question.
456
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:53,400
I'm the wrestling coach here.
457
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,100
Are you? Oh, great.
Oh, good.
458
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:56,800
- So what are you doing here?
- You know, well,
459
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,100
just same as everybody,
I guess.
460
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,900
This is a great prom.
461
00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:01,300
- This is a prom.
- Yeah.
462
00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:02,800
It's not like our prom,
you know.
463
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,300
We had this horrible prom
464
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:06,500
in this abandoned
fish factory, and, you know,
465
00:18:06,500 --> 00:18:08,800
nobody... I don't even know
if you were there for that.
466
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,400
I wasn't, beacuse we sent you
to decoy prom.
467
00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:15,400
- What?
- Yes. Yeah.
468
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:16,900
We had a separate prom
for the nerds,
469
00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:18,600
and he fell for it.
470
00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:20,750
- Oh, that was a s...
oh, okay.
471
00:18:20,750 --> 00:18:22,150
- Yeah.
- That was a separate prom...
472
00:18:22,150 --> 00:18:23,950
Yeah, and did you have
any of punch there?
473
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:25,800
- I think...
- 'Cause we pissed in it.
474
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:26,900
- Oh.
- Yeah.
475
00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:29,000
- You guys...
- We did.
476
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,500
That is elaborate.
477
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:33,800
- Decoy prom.
- Oh, man.
478
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:35,500
- Something else.
- Yeah.
479
00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:37,100
Well, you know what?
480
00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:39,500
Uh, I forgive you,
481
00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:41,400
and I think
we should hug on it.
482
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,400
- Oh. All right.
- Yeah.
483
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,200
- We're gonna hug it out.
- Yeah, yeah, I think so.
484
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,400
I think, after all this time,
why not?
485
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,200
Well, it was really great
to run into you.
486
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:50,600
- Fantastic.
- Enjoy a real prom.
487
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,600
Thanks, man. Yeah.
488
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,300
Incredible. Okay.
489
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,900
This prom is about to get fun.
Come with me.
490
00:18:57,900 --> 00:18:59,500
Let's go.
491
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,600
Perhaps I had also gone
to decoy rehab,
492
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,100
because I was not able
to withstand the pressures
493
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:06,400
of this prom.
494
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,200
I'm not proud that I stole
Todd Schuster's wallet,
495
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,600
and I'm not proud
that I spent
496
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,900
his wrestling coach money
on cocaine.
497
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,600
When you go to a prom,
498
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,400
you wear a costume and pretend
to be all grown up.
499
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,900
Let's blow.
500
00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:23,400
Men's room, right now,
all of you.
501
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,600
Come on, let's go.
502
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,000
But it was clear to me
that deep down,
503
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,900
none of us were ready
for the adult world at all.
504
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:31,500
Ah, yeah!
505
00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:35,700
Immediately, it's like, bang!
All right, come on, Meg.
506
00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:37,000
- Let's go.
- No.
507
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,000
- Meg. Meg.
- I-I don't want to do it.
508
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,700
Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg.
509
00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:41,800
- No.
- Meg!
510
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,300
Peer pressure, peer pressure,
511
00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:46,300
peer pressure, peer...
512
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:49,900
It works!
513
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,800
Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg!
514
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:07,200
Did you see that?
515
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:09,100
Did you see that?
516
00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:10,300
This is me!
517
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:12,100
This is who I really am!
518
00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:14,100
This is who I am!
519
00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:23,300
Oh, God, I'm gonna die!
520
00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:25,500
- No!
- I'm gonna die here!
521
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,700
Leave me alone!
Leave me alone!
522
00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:32,800
You guys are ruining
the prom!
523
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:37,300
Maybe you'll have the chance
to go to the prom
524
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:39,200
with a date
who's not a social outcast
525
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,100
with an undiagnosed
mood disorder,
526
00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:43,400
and you will have the night
of your life.
527
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:46,100
But few people
are ever that lucky,
528
00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:48,350
and it is not worth
the risk.
529
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:51,000
Going to the prom:
half a star.
37487
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