All language subtitles for Review - 1x01 - Stealing, Addiction, Prom (HDTV-2HD, HDTV-AFG, 720p-2HD).eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:02,700 Life: it's literally all we have 2 00:00:02,925 --> 00:00:04,425 But is it any good? 3 00:00:04,450 --> 00:00:06,150 I'm a reviewer, but I don't review 4 00:00:06,175 --> 00:00:07,875 food, books, or movies. 5 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,000 I review life itself. 6 00:00:10,025 --> 00:00:12,025 Viva the revolution! 7 00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:28,000 Hello, and welcome to Review. 8 00:00:28,075 --> 00:00:29,775 I'm Forrest MacNeil. 9 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,200 Whatever life experience you're curious about, 10 00:00:32,225 --> 00:00:34,925 I will do it, and then I will review it. 11 00:00:34,950 --> 00:00:37,150 And here to field your inquiries 12 00:00:37,150 --> 00:00:39,650 from the Review command center is A.J. Gibbs. 13 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,400 A.J., if we do this right, 14 00:00:42,425 --> 00:00:45,325 we'll shed new light on what it means to be alive. 15 00:00:46,050 --> 00:00:47,450 We'd better do it right. 16 00:00:47,475 --> 00:00:48,675 Yes we'd better. 17 00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:51,000 My first review. What is it, please? 18 00:00:51,325 --> 00:00:53,725 Your first review comes to us from Mork 19 00:00:53,750 --> 00:00:55,150 in Lincoln, Nebraska. 20 00:00:55,175 --> 00:00:56,375 - Mork? - Yeah. 21 00:00:56,376 --> 00:00:58,176 Well, you don't hear that very often. 22 00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,800 Hi, I'm Mark. 23 00:01:00,525 --> 00:01:02,725 Forrest, I'm thinking about stealing my mom's TV, 24 00:01:02,726 --> 00:01:04,726 but I wonder that it would feel like. 25 00:01:04,950 --> 00:01:07,150 Would the guilt devour me from the inside out, 26 00:01:07,175 --> 00:01:09,175 or would I like it so much that I lose interest 27 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,200 in everything else in life? 28 00:01:12,425 --> 00:01:14,025 Stealing. 29 00:01:14,050 --> 00:01:17,650 What's it like to take things that aren't yours? 30 00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:21,575 I'm gonna find out. 31 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,600 - And I'll let you know, Mark. - Good luck. 32 00:01:29,825 --> 00:01:31,625 My old friend malted milk balls. 33 00:01:31,650 --> 00:01:33,650 A couple times a weeks, I come here 34 00:01:33,675 --> 00:01:35,775 and scoop a few of these fellas into a bag, 35 00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:37,300 bring it up to the register, 36 00:01:37,325 --> 00:01:39,025 and trade my money for my balls. 37 00:01:39,050 --> 00:01:41,050 But today... Oh, hello. 38 00:01:44,075 --> 00:01:45,575 Today I'm skipping that last part. 39 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,200 Come on. Okay. 40 00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,525 Oh, boy. 41 00:01:50,050 --> 00:01:51,550 Oh, wow. 42 00:01:51,575 --> 00:01:52,975 What am I doing? What am I doing? 43 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,200 What am I doing? 44 00:01:54,925 --> 00:01:56,825 Didn't really find anything to buy today, so... 45 00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:58,250 - Okay. - Just one of those days. 46 00:01:58,275 --> 00:01:59,675 Oh, oh. 47 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:00,900 You're all right, dog? 48 00:02:00,925 --> 00:02:02,625 I'm fine. I'm fine. 49 00:02:02,850 --> 00:02:04,750 I'm really doing this. 50 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,050 Okay. 51 00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:08,000 These people trust me. 52 00:02:08,050 --> 00:02:09,650 I can go to jail for this. 53 00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:14,150 Aah. 54 00:02:14,375 --> 00:02:16,975 Oh, wow. That was exciting. 55 00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:20,800 I mean, it was scary, but it was kind of scary 56 00:02:20,825 --> 00:02:22,625 like a roller coaster, you know what I mean? 57 00:02:22,650 --> 00:02:24,850 And I-I can't say 58 00:02:24,875 --> 00:02:26,875 I feel any guilt about it, really. 59 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,700 And look at these. 60 00:02:29,725 --> 00:02:31,725 I mean, these are my favorites. 61 00:02:32,950 --> 00:02:35,150 I wonder if my theft was too impersonal. 62 00:02:41,175 --> 00:02:42,975 Hey, pardon me. 63 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,400 Can I give you a hand with those? 64 00:02:44,425 --> 00:02:46,025 Oh, thank you. 65 00:02:46,050 --> 00:02:47,950 Oh, sure. Oh, good, yeah. 66 00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:49,450 It's so hard to get... 67 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:51,400 - Oh, I know, yes. - Thank you. 68 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,600 Well, my pleasure. 69 00:02:56,150 --> 00:02:57,950 Sorry. 70 00:02:58,175 --> 00:02:59,175 Oh, yeah. 71 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,500 Hey, where are you going? 72 00:03:00,525 --> 00:03:02,325 Ah, that's very different. 73 00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,450 Feels bad. That feels really bad. 74 00:03:04,975 --> 00:03:07,175 But stealing began to look quite different to me 75 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,900 when I brought the groceries home 76 00:03:08,950 --> 00:03:11,750 and shared them with my wife Suzanne and son Eric. 77 00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:12,750 Cake! 78 00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:14,175 Oh, my God. What does it say? 79 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,500 "Happy Birthday... Lorraine"? 80 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,100 Yeah. Well, I guess 81 00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:19,600 they just had some extra cakes and... 82 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,100 Oh. Come here, you. 83 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,800 I love these surprises. 84 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,100 Yes. 85 00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:26,800 A lot of shredded wheat in here, huh? 86 00:03:26,850 --> 00:03:28,450 Yeah. 87 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,800 To truly experience life as a thief, 88 00:03:31,825 --> 00:03:33,825 I realized I would have to put myself 89 00:03:33,850 --> 00:03:36,650 at greater and greater risk of legal consequences. 90 00:03:37,750 --> 00:03:40,250 My crimes could no longer be easy 91 00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:43,300 or simply victimize the old and the slow 92 00:03:43,825 --> 00:03:45,525 - Excuse me. - Oh. 93 00:03:45,525 --> 00:03:47,525 Did you just take my hat? 94 00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:48,875 No. 95 00:03:48,875 --> 00:03:49,975 Hey, but you know what? 96 00:03:49,975 --> 00:03:51,975 If somebody did take your hat, 97 00:03:52,850 --> 00:03:54,550 I would like you to have mine. 98 00:03:55,175 --> 00:03:56,975 Come on. 99 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,200 Yeah, why not? 100 00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,400 I was surprised to find 101 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,875 that I was incredibly talented 102 00:04:00,875 --> 00:04:03,375 at separating people from their belongings. 103 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,400 My goodness. Hey, is that Justin Bieber, 104 00:04:05,425 --> 00:04:06,975 or does she just look like him? 105 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,300 No, that's him. 106 00:04:08,325 --> 00:04:10,025 What an angelic face he's got. 107 00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:12,200 There was nothing I could not have... 108 00:04:12,625 --> 00:04:14,225 for free. 109 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,300 Go! 110 00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:36,400 Inspired by my successes with petty crime, 111 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,900 I converted the Review offices into a staging ground 112 00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:41,000 for my most ambitious heist yet. 113 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,300 We are not here for your money. 114 00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:43,600 We are here for the bank's money, 115 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:44,700 which is federally insured. 116 00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:47,300 I enlisted the aid of my executive assistant Lucille 117 00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:49,200 and our office intern Josh. 118 00:04:49,275 --> 00:04:51,075 We would not go unprepared. 119 00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:53,400 As we saw during the fiscal crisis of 2008, 120 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,500 the federal government will not hesitate 121 00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:57,200 to step in and bail out the banks... 122 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,900 - 30 seconds! - with taxpayer money, and... 123 00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:00,300 when we do it, I'll make it shorter. 124 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,400 It's too long. Okay. 125 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,100 If you're the head teller, raise your hand! 126 00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:05,300 Will you please be the head teller, Lucille? 127 00:05:05,300 --> 00:05:07,000 - Please. Good. Okay. - Great. 128 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,200 Okay. Take me into the vault, right now! 129 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,100 - No funny business. - Great. Wait, wait, wait. 130 00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,100 - Where's the vault? - Oh, it's over here. 131 00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,400 Thank you. 132 00:05:27,925 --> 00:05:29,925 - Gracias. - You're welcome. 133 00:05:33,350 --> 00:05:34,750 Good. So you're headed to the vault. 134 00:05:34,775 --> 00:05:36,275 Right. 135 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,200 Lucille, do you have the stockings? 136 00:05:41,225 --> 00:05:43,225 Yes, I do. 137 00:05:45,150 --> 00:05:47,150 Oh. 138 00:05:48,850 --> 00:05:50,450 There's the guard, Mr. MacNeil. 139 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,700 Okay. 140 00:05:54,625 --> 00:05:56,125 Let's do this. 141 00:05:59,475 --> 00:06:01,175 They certainly are warm. 142 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,500 It's nice. 143 00:06:03,325 --> 00:06:04,925 All right. 144 00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:06,050 - Head teller. - Yeah. 145 00:06:06,050 --> 00:06:07,650 - Straight to the vault, right? - Right. 146 00:06:07,650 --> 00:06:09,150 And I'm crowd control. 147 00:06:09,150 --> 00:06:10,950 - You're ready? - Yeah. 148 00:06:11,550 --> 00:06:13,150 Let's go. 149 00:06:19,675 --> 00:06:21,875 - Please don't skip. - Okay, all right. 150 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,700 Let's get it. 151 00:06:25,550 --> 00:06:27,450 - Drop your weapon! - Oh, no, no, no! 152 00:06:27,450 --> 00:06:29,350 Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh! 153 00:06:29,850 --> 00:06:31,850 Let's go! Let's go! Get out! 154 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:33,900 Oh, look at that! 155 00:06:33,950 --> 00:06:35,550 Oh, I'm so sorry. 156 00:06:35,850 --> 00:06:37,450 Oh, my... Oh, man... 157 00:06:37,750 --> 00:06:39,850 - Oh, you are gonna die. - No! 158 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,600 - Yes, you're going to die. - Shut up! 159 00:06:41,625 --> 00:06:43,025 Start the car, Lucille! 160 00:06:43,025 --> 00:06:44,925 - What? - There was another guard! 161 00:06:44,975 --> 00:06:46,975 Start the car! Start the car! 162 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,000 - Open the doors! - Hold on. 163 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,700 Reach through and open the handle. 164 00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:52,400 - Manually open it. - There! 165 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,400 Thank you. Why was that so hard? 166 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:55,700 Come on, Josh! 167 00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:57,700 - He's bleeding. - Yes, I know he's... 168 00:06:57,700 --> 00:06:59,000 Go, go, go! 169 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,500 - Drive, drive, drive! - Aah! 170 00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:02,700 Oh, what a pointless way to die! 171 00:07:02,700 --> 00:07:04,700 You don't know that I'm dying! 172 00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:06,000 You don't see the blood! 173 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,800 - This is a lot of blood! - I'm gonna be fine! 174 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,000 Is there anything you want us 175 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,200 to say to your family? 176 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,200 Fuck you! I trusted you. 177 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,500 Oh, don't say that... 178 00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:15,200 Although we did not leave the bank 179 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,900 with a garbage bag full of cash, 180 00:07:16,900 --> 00:07:19,800 I took away something far more valuable: 181 00:07:20,050 --> 00:07:23,350 a newfound respect for America's unpaid interns. 182 00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:25,800 Josh's screams will haunt me forever. 183 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,700 Aah! Oh, God! 184 00:07:28,050 --> 00:07:30,450 My only consolation, if there even is a consolation, 185 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,650 is that he will now carry around with him, 186 00:07:32,650 --> 00:07:34,050 for the rest of his life, 187 00:07:34,050 --> 00:07:37,050 a reminder about the follies of stealing... 188 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,700 on his buttocks. That's where the reminder is. 189 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,300 Stealing: two stars. 190 00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:51,800 Let's see what my next review is, A.J. 191 00:07:52,825 --> 00:07:55,725 Patty in Park City, Utah, texts: 192 00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:08,200 Well, the only thing I've ever been addicted to 193 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,800 is a thirst for knowledge. 194 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,800 I guess that doesn't count, though. 195 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,000 - I don't think so. - All right, then. 196 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,400 I am about to go and get myself addicted 197 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,400 to something stronger 198 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,000 and more powerful than knowledge. 199 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,400 Aha. 200 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,600 Those are nicely made lines. 201 00:08:26,250 --> 00:08:27,850 Well, I have never done cocaine before, 202 00:08:27,850 --> 00:08:29,700 and I have no idea how easy or hard it is 203 00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:30,950 to get addicted to it. 204 00:08:30,950 --> 00:08:33,850 I confess I am quite nervous about this, but... 205 00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:36,400 Thank you. 206 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,600 Bon voyage. 207 00:08:39,925 --> 00:08:41,425 Happy sailing. 208 00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:48,100 That's like bleach in my sinuses. 209 00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,600 That's terrible. 210 00:08:52,625 --> 00:08:54,825 No. That's a terrible feeling. 211 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,200 Goodbye, cocaine. 212 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,050 No, no, no, no, no, no, Mister... 213 00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:00,400 What? 214 00:09:00,550 --> 00:09:02,350 You would've liked to have done that cocaine? 215 00:09:02,350 --> 00:09:03,950 - No - No, of course not. 216 00:09:03,950 --> 00:09:06,450 That's absolute garbage. That's terrible. 217 00:09:06,450 --> 00:09:08,450 I feel like going for a walk. You wanna go for a walk? 218 00:09:08,450 --> 00:09:10,350 Yeah, I'm just gonna take out your trash real quick. 219 00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:11,650 That's fine. 220 00:09:11,650 --> 00:09:13,650 Some people simply can't get addicted. 221 00:09:13,650 --> 00:09:15,700 Their brains are too sturdy. 222 00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:17,250 Could this be my problem? 223 00:09:17,250 --> 00:09:19,450 I tested that hypothesis with two other 224 00:09:19,450 --> 00:09:21,550 famously addictive substances: 225 00:09:21,550 --> 00:09:23,750 cigarettes filled with tobacco... 226 00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:26,025 Oh, no, no, no. 227 00:09:26,025 --> 00:09:27,825 and alcoholic wine. 228 00:09:27,825 --> 00:09:30,625 But I could not get those monkeys on my back. 229 00:09:30,625 --> 00:09:32,225 All this does is make me sleepy. 230 00:09:33,925 --> 00:09:36,625 I think I'll, uh, go to the bathroom. 231 00:09:41,050 --> 00:09:42,850 So you can add alcohol to the list 232 00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,200 of shit I'm not addicted to. 233 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,200 I mean, maybe I'm just invulnerable to addiction. 234 00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,300 Like, what am I, a superhero? 235 00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,400 It's Mr. Invulnerable! 236 00:09:51,150 --> 00:09:53,050 Okay, so I have tried 237 00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:54,750 cocaine, cigarettes, alcohol, 238 00:09:54,750 --> 00:09:56,050 didn't get addicted to any of those. 239 00:09:56,150 --> 00:09:58,050 But there's one more thing I need to try, 240 00:09:58,050 --> 00:09:59,950 Cocaine! 241 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,300 Just like my wife Suzanne, who for years 242 00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:05,800 had enjoyed taking pot from time to time, 243 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:08,500 my occasional recreational use of cocaine 244 00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,000 had improved my life. 245 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,300 I was more productive... 246 00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:13,600 Red ones and yellow ones. I got a lot of red books. 247 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,000 I made more scarves... 248 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,000 I'm making you one. 249 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,100 I don't know if you'll wear it or not. I don't even care. 250 00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:19,100 I was a better father. 251 00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:20,600 Chicken Little goes up to Henny Penny. 252 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:21,900 "Henny Penny, the sky is falling!" 253 00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:23,600 and of course henny penny didn't believe him. 254 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,000 "What do you mean the sky is falling?" 255 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,600 The sky is falling! 256 00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:30,600 Okay. 257 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:31,750 All right. 258 00:10:31,750 --> 00:10:33,050 Hey, Forrest. 259 00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:34,650 Did you make 14 ATM withdraw... 260 00:10:34,650 --> 00:10:35,700 - Whoa. - Yeah, sorry. 261 00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:37,400 - What just happened? - Nothing, it broked. 262 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,000 It's fine, it's fine. No. What? What? 263 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,900 Okay. Somebody made 14 ATM withdrawals this week. 264 00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:43,600 Why would you assume that it would be me? 265 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:44,850 Did you ever consider maybe 266 00:10:44,850 --> 00:10:46,150 What's-his-name is doing it? 267 00:10:46,150 --> 00:10:47,350 It could be What's-his-name. 268 00:10:47,350 --> 00:10:48,750 Who's What's-his-name? 269 00:10:48,750 --> 00:10:50,350 You know, upstairs. 270 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,550 The kid. 271 00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,950 All right, hot shot, do you know his name? 272 00:10:53,950 --> 00:10:55,150 Eric? 273 00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:57,450 All right, fine. Yes, you win that one. 274 00:10:57,450 --> 00:10:58,650 What is wrong with you? 275 00:10:58,650 --> 00:10:59,950 Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. 276 00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,550 I'm just trying to eat something. 277 00:11:04,550 --> 00:11:05,750 Tell me what I did wrong. 278 00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,650 I'm pretty sure these gray ones go in here. 279 00:11:07,650 --> 00:11:09,550 I volunteered to chaperone Eric 280 00:11:09,550 --> 00:11:11,350 and his friends on a camping trip 281 00:11:11,350 --> 00:11:12,950 and made an important discovery 282 00:11:12,950 --> 00:11:15,650 about my relationship to cocaine. 283 00:11:15,950 --> 00:11:17,650 Wait a minute. Hey, Eric. 284 00:11:17,950 --> 00:11:21,350 Have you seen, uh, that bag that I had, 285 00:11:21,350 --> 00:11:25,450 that little plastic bag of, uh, camping powder? 286 00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:26,950 No. 287 00:11:26,950 --> 00:11:29,050 Being separated from cocaine for six hours 288 00:11:29,050 --> 00:11:31,050 Made me realize I had a problem, 289 00:11:31,050 --> 00:11:32,350 And I needed help... 290 00:11:32,350 --> 00:11:34,050 in the form of more cocaine. 291 00:11:34,050 --> 00:11:35,850 - Hey, Mr. MacNeil. - Do you have it? 292 00:11:35,850 --> 00:11:37,650 - Yeah. - Thank you. 293 00:11:37,650 --> 00:11:39,350 God. 294 00:11:39,650 --> 00:11:41,250 All right, men, we're gonna do everything this weekend. 295 00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:42,450 We're gonna get our bird-watching badges. 296 00:11:42,450 --> 00:11:43,650 Who wants their bird-watch... Anybody want 297 00:11:43,650 --> 00:11:44,950 their bird-watching badge, we're gonna do it. 298 00:11:44,950 --> 00:11:46,950 We're gonna find some birds, and we're gonna watch them, 299 00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:48,950 and then we're gonna get our orienteering badges, you guys. 300 00:11:48,950 --> 00:11:51,250 - Your nose is bleeding. - Oh. 301 00:11:51,250 --> 00:11:53,250 That's 'cause I'm having a heart attack, you guys. 302 00:11:53,250 --> 00:11:54,650 - Dad? - I'm having a heart attack. 303 00:11:54,650 --> 00:11:56,350 Do you have shooting pain down your arm? 304 00:11:56,350 --> 00:11:57,750 Yeah, I got shooting pains everywhere. 305 00:11:57,750 --> 00:11:59,150 Oh, my God, I'm having a heart attack. 306 00:11:59,150 --> 00:12:00,250 I'm definitely gonna die. 307 00:12:00,250 --> 00:12:01,650 I am definitely gonna die! 308 00:12:01,650 --> 00:12:02,850 - Oh, God! Oh! - Dad? 309 00:12:02,850 --> 00:12:04,250 Shut up, shut up, shut up! 310 00:12:04,250 --> 00:12:05,550 Shut up. How do you know CPR? 311 00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:07,450 Why do you know CPR? This kid's a cop! 312 00:12:07,450 --> 00:12:09,400 - Dad? - This kid is a cop! 313 00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:12,800 We don't know how he'll react, 314 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,800 But remember, you literally could be saving his life. 315 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,400 So it's important everyone is here and... 316 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:18,700 - Oh, my... Okay. - Oh, what is this? 317 00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,400 Oh, is this an intervention? 318 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,500 Always a fast learner, I was proud to see 319 00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:25,300 I had gone from fumbled snorting to overdose 320 00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:27,300 to family intervention in record time. 321 00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:28,950 No, no, no, no, no, put your letters away, 322 00:12:28,950 --> 00:12:30,350 I can save you some time. No, no, no. 323 00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:31,650 I've been a monster, right? 324 00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:32,950 Everybody's gonna say that, right? 325 00:12:32,950 --> 00:12:34,950 I've been a real terrible dad. I let you down. 326 00:12:34,950 --> 00:12:36,450 I've been a horrible son-in-law. 327 00:12:36,450 --> 00:12:38,950 I've been a real disappointment as a dog owner. 328 00:12:38,950 --> 00:12:40,950 I've been such a bad neighbor. 329 00:12:40,950 --> 00:12:42,950 I don't even know what I did to these guys. 330 00:12:42,950 --> 00:12:44,700 Who cares? Let's go to rehab! 331 00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:46,200 I can't wait to go to rehab! 332 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,300 Come on, Tom, hurry up! I don't need anything. 333 00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:50,000 Let's just go! Let's just go! 334 00:12:50,650 --> 00:12:53,050 - I-I Guess I should go too. - Okay. 335 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,500 Sorry. 336 00:12:58,150 --> 00:12:59,950 Well, I'm gonna read my speech. 337 00:12:59,950 --> 00:13:01,750 I worked hard on it. 338 00:13:02,275 --> 00:13:04,275 "In the words of grandmaster flash, 339 00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,700 you going high on that cocaine. 340 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,900 You going crazy like a cocaine train." 341 00:13:10,350 --> 00:13:11,650 When I get back from rehab, 342 00:13:11,650 --> 00:13:13,350 I'll probably say cocaine is terrible, 343 00:13:13,350 --> 00:13:16,550 but don't believe me. Cocaine is amazing! 344 00:13:16,550 --> 00:13:18,750 I give it a million stars! 345 00:13:18,750 --> 00:13:20,800 Do not believe the guy in the studio 346 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,900 who tries to tell you it's terrible. 347 00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:25,900 That guy is a liar! 348 00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:30,600 No. I am not a liar. 349 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:31,800 He is. 350 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,200 I am a recovering addict 351 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,800 who went to rehab and got clean. 352 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,400 He is a drug-addled maniac 353 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,000 who nearly destroyed his family and his financial security 354 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,500 and his heart and his brain. 355 00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:44,300 Addiction: Half a star. 356 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,000 A.J., may I have my next review, please? 357 00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:58,950 @Kelly_of_VT tweets: 358 00:14:05,350 --> 00:14:06,750 Going to the senior prom. 359 00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:08,550 It won't be easy for an adult like me, 360 00:14:08,550 --> 00:14:10,550 but I will find a way to do it. 361 00:14:11,850 --> 00:14:13,750 Prom season was in full swing, 362 00:14:13,750 --> 00:14:15,850 but to gain entry to this exclusive event, 363 00:14:15,850 --> 00:14:17,950 I'd need an age-appropriate escort. 364 00:14:18,550 --> 00:14:20,550 I don't have a date myself. 365 00:14:21,150 --> 00:14:22,450 No date to the prom. 366 00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:24,250 But just like when I was in high school, 367 00:14:24,250 --> 00:14:27,150 every teenage girl I asked already had plans. 368 00:14:27,150 --> 00:14:29,450 That's quite hurtful, but thank you for your honesty. 369 00:14:29,450 --> 00:14:31,650 Excuse me, I don't have a visitor's pass, 370 00:14:31,650 --> 00:14:33,250 so I need to make this really quick. 371 00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:35,150 Hey, I'm looking for a date to your senior prom, 372 00:14:35,150 --> 00:14:36,550 and I don't care who I go with. 373 00:14:36,550 --> 00:14:38,250 Hang on, now. All right. 374 00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:40,050 Oop, there's that guidance counselor 375 00:14:40,050 --> 00:14:41,250 who was giving me grief before. 376 00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:43,050 I'm not supposed to be in the building. 377 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:48,100 Eventually, my search for a human prom ticket 378 00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:50,000 led me to my own living room. 379 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,400 I see you found the sandwiches. 380 00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:56,150 Meg Carmichael, a senior at nearby Franklin high, 381 00:14:56,150 --> 00:14:57,850 was our sitter. 382 00:15:05,350 --> 00:15:08,350 Meg, there's something I'd like to talk to you about. 383 00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:11,050 You're a senior in high school now, yes? 384 00:15:12,350 --> 00:15:13,650 Y-Yeah. 385 00:15:13,650 --> 00:15:15,650 And you've got a prom coming up, right? 386 00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,050 Yeah. 387 00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:20,050 Has anyone asked you to your senior prom yet? 388 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:25,700 No. 389 00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:28,500 How would you like to go to your prom with me? 390 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,350 - Okay. - Yes! 391 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,100 Oh, goody! I'm... I'm glad. I'm glad. 392 00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:40,900 We're gonna have a very good time. 393 00:15:42,950 --> 00:15:44,950 Now I'll take you home. 394 00:15:46,350 --> 00:15:48,150 I arrived at 6:00 sharp 395 00:15:48,150 --> 00:15:51,050 to find my date looking elegant and ladylike. 396 00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:52,850 Look at that dress. 397 00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:56,050 Oh, my goodness, it matches your whole personality. 398 00:15:56,050 --> 00:15:58,450 After a brief photo shoot on the front lawn... 399 00:15:58,450 --> 00:16:00,750 This is sort of an exciting milestone 400 00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:01,950 for parents, isn't it? 401 00:16:01,950 --> 00:16:04,350 Who knows what's in store for us tonight? 402 00:16:04,450 --> 00:16:06,050 We were on our way. 403 00:16:11,250 --> 00:16:14,450 Paging Meg Carmichael to the dance floor! 404 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,300 Meg was a sweet enough girl, 405 00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:20,900 but I quickly realized the results of my experiment 406 00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:23,900 were being skewed by her seemingly genetic inability 407 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,100 to have a good time. 408 00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:26,400 - Huh? - I'm not dancing. 409 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:27,700 You're not gonna dance? Come on. 410 00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:28,800 Put that down. 411 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,300 There's better food than that here. 412 00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:31,500 Did you bring this from home? 413 00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:32,900 You brought your own sandwich? 414 00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:34,900 Let's go have us some prom. 415 00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:37,400 Hey, how's everybody over here? How's it going? 416 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,600 Meg and I were just circulating about, meeting some folk. 417 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,000 Are you a friend of Meg's? 418 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,400 - Um... - Oh, no. 419 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,400 Look at that reaction. That's interesting. 420 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,400 Have we sidled up to a table full 421 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,900 of popular kids? 422 00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:50,000 Did you bring your S.A.T. tutor? 423 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,500 He looks like my pediatrician, Dr. Nosebaum. 424 00:16:52,850 --> 00:16:54,050 No, he's the weatherman, 425 00:16:54,050 --> 00:16:55,750 and I bet I know his favorite temperature. 426 00:16:55,750 --> 00:16:57,750 - What? - 69. 427 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,200 Actually, yes, that is my favorite temperature. 428 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,000 - 69 is my favorite temperature. - No, it's not. 429 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:03,800 Yes, it is. 69. It's like a perfect spring day. 430 00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:05,700 - A beautiful day. - No, Mr. MacNeil, it is not... 431 00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:07,200 I don't understand what the problem is. 432 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,900 - I like 69. - No, no. 433 00:17:08,900 --> 00:17:10,100 It's our one and only prom night. 434 00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:11,800 I hope you don't mind if we get a bunch of these. 435 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,300 Let's do one where we're both flying toward the camera, okay? 436 00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:16,100 Good. Okay, great. And then let's do the old 437 00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:18,200 Addams Family pose, like... what are their names? 438 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,050 Uh, I forget, but yeah. 439 00:17:20,050 --> 00:17:21,950 If there's something you want to do... 440 00:17:21,950 --> 00:17:24,350 Please, we have not settled on a pose yet. 441 00:17:25,250 --> 00:17:27,450 Although depressed myself at this point, 442 00:17:27,450 --> 00:17:29,950 I decided to rally Meg with a pep talk. 443 00:17:29,950 --> 00:17:31,950 One day, everyone here will grow up, 444 00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:34,250 and the people who were mean, they will regret 445 00:17:34,250 --> 00:17:35,550 how insensitive they were. 446 00:17:35,550 --> 00:17:36,850 Forrest MacNeil? 447 00:17:36,850 --> 00:17:38,250 - Is that you? - Yes, it is. 448 00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:40,200 Wow, what are the odds, man? 449 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,500 Todd Schuster. From high school. 450 00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:44,100 - Todd Schuster! - Yeah. 451 00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:46,300 - Oh, my God, that's amazing. - How are ya? 452 00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:47,500 - I'm good. - Wow. 453 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:48,900 We went to high school together. 454 00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,400 - Wow. - What are you doing here? 455 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,100 I... well, I could ask you the same question. 456 00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:53,400 I'm the wrestling coach here. 457 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,100 Are you? Oh, great. Oh, good. 458 00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:56,800 - So what are you doing here? - You know, well, 459 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,100 just same as everybody, I guess. 460 00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,900 This is a great prom. 461 00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:01,300 - This is a prom. - Yeah. 462 00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:02,800 It's not like our prom, you know. 463 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,300 We had this horrible prom 464 00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:06,500 in this abandoned fish factory, and, you know, 465 00:18:06,500 --> 00:18:08,800 nobody... I don't even know if you were there for that. 466 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,400 I wasn't, beacuse we sent you to decoy prom. 467 00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:15,400 - What? - Yes. Yeah. 468 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:16,900 We had a separate prom for the nerds, 469 00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:18,600 and he fell for it. 470 00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:20,750 - Oh, that was a s... oh, okay. 471 00:18:20,750 --> 00:18:22,150 - Yeah. - That was a separate prom... 472 00:18:22,150 --> 00:18:23,950 Yeah, and did you have any of punch there? 473 00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:25,800 - I think... - 'Cause we pissed in it. 474 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:26,900 - Oh. - Yeah. 475 00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:29,000 - You guys... - We did. 476 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,500 That is elaborate. 477 00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:33,800 - Decoy prom. - Oh, man. 478 00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:35,500 - Something else. - Yeah. 479 00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:37,100 Well, you know what? 480 00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:39,500 Uh, I forgive you, 481 00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:41,400 and I think we should hug on it. 482 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,400 - Oh. All right. - Yeah. 483 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,200 - We're gonna hug it out. - Yeah, yeah, I think so. 484 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,400 I think, after all this time, why not? 485 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,200 Well, it was really great to run into you. 486 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:50,600 - Fantastic. - Enjoy a real prom. 487 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,600 Thanks, man. Yeah. 488 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,300 Incredible. Okay. 489 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,900 This prom is about to get fun. Come with me. 490 00:18:57,900 --> 00:18:59,500 Let's go. 491 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,600 Perhaps I had also gone to decoy rehab, 492 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,100 because I was not able to withstand the pressures 493 00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:06,400 of this prom. 494 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,200 I'm not proud that I stole Todd Schuster's wallet, 495 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,600 and I'm not proud that I spent 496 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,900 his wrestling coach money on cocaine. 497 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,600 When you go to a prom, 498 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,400 you wear a costume and pretend to be all grown up. 499 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,900 Let's blow. 500 00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:23,400 Men's room, right now, all of you. 501 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,600 Come on, let's go. 502 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,000 But it was clear to me that deep down, 503 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,900 none of us were ready for the adult world at all. 504 00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:31,500 Ah, yeah! 505 00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:35,700 Immediately, it's like, bang! All right, come on, Meg. 506 00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:37,000 - Let's go. - No. 507 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,000 - Meg. Meg. - I-I don't want to do it. 508 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,700 Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg. 509 00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:41,800 - No. - Meg! 510 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,300 Peer pressure, peer pressure, 511 00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:46,300 peer pressure, peer... 512 00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:49,900 It works! 513 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,800 Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! 514 00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:07,200 Did you see that? 515 00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:09,100 Did you see that? 516 00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:10,300 This is me! 517 00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:12,100 This is who I really am! 518 00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:14,100 This is who I am! 519 00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:23,300 Oh, God, I'm gonna die! 520 00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:25,500 - No! - I'm gonna die here! 521 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,700 Leave me alone! Leave me alone! 522 00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:32,800 You guys are ruining the prom! 523 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:37,300 Maybe you'll have the chance to go to the prom 524 00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:39,200 with a date who's not a social outcast 525 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,100 with an undiagnosed mood disorder, 526 00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:43,400 and you will have the night of your life. 527 00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:46,100 But few people are ever that lucky, 528 00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:48,350 and it is not worth the risk. 529 00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:51,000 Going to the prom: half a star. 37487

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